Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Joueur du grenier - Waterworld - SuperNes

*Jurassic Park theme*

(Fred) Well I have to admit I'm a bit annoyed here, because I wanted to make a session on Jurassic park

But I just checked they gave me back the wrong game in the good box !

So, that means Jurassic Park hey ! Bye !

And because I only have this on hand, here we go for Waterworld !

A licence game, what does it evocates to you ?

Well, it's true now, licence games make you puke

But, the phenomenon wasn't released yesterday !

Adapting theatre blockbuster's licences

and transform them into horror gaming, it has existed long time ago !

Waterworld, movie released in 1995 with Kevin Costner

Adventure and science-fiction movie based on a thème explored 1000 times in our days

But totally unprecedented at this time !

Here, do you remember of ?

Well, here we doesn't care at all ! Because it hasn't any importance in the scenario !

Waterworld is developed by Ocean !

What ? Did you expected a joke ?

OK ! Let's go !

Tudum !

"The sun, for long time source of life !"

"But now source of..."

"Démise..." I don't know what is it !

It trained to learn english those shitty games anyway !

Wow fuck, it's quick !

Here we are ! So, first thought, I think it is rather like "Desert Strike: Return to the Gulf"

except that instead of an helicopter, you drive a trimaran

and instead of iraqui, you shoot jet skis !

Well, no ! In fact, it's doesn't like Desert Strike at all !

Well, it's not really easy to drive huh !

Seeing as jet skis are really more movables and really faster than your boat !

But well, we are on Super Nintendo, it's not a realistic simulation !

So, your trimaran can move, brake and turn

as if it was navigating on a mayonnaise's ocean

Fuck that thing will never end ?

There's not any progression's indicator ! If it was a PC game

I would already have make ALT+F4 by screaming : Ahhh, that thing is glitchy !

Ah, here, it's finished !

Second level, well...

Level ?!

It's a bonus stage, but that, you will only know it at the end !

Because, the problem of that game, is that it never let you know anything !

So here, we're under water, swimming, there's items spread almost everywhere

They're all different, we don't know how many we have to pick up, nor which

What do I take ? Mug ? Skull ? Or table set ?

Come on, I will take some of, instead of killing Smokers

I could always invite thme to take a cup of tea !

We have a heakth bar, which is used as an oxygen bar and you have to go up before it's empty because....

If we don't, we are dead ??!!

(Voice Over) Ladies & Gentlemen ! Please welcom Le Joueur du Grenier !

(Fred) And the winner in the category "Seriously, are you fucking kidding me ?!"

is...

Waterworld for its work : I'm a man with gills

But I can't breathe under water !

My friends, let's go right now at the nexy category : The ugliest shirt !

The first nominated is...

Ok, here again a gameplay change ! Now, we're going in platform style !

Here, we finally see our hero, Kevin Costner !

Goal is to killing all the bad guys, that means Smokers as in the movie

There's a counter which indicates their number, top left ! And for this, you have 3 lives !

So you didn't like Robin Hood ? Take that !

Unlike the standard architecture of platform games, where the level has a beginning and an end

Here, the level has no end, we loop until the time we have killed the last Smoker !

In the beginning, we have a machete and we gradually take weapons on ennemies !

Wait, I've touched him !

Fuck, what's that dumbass machete here ?!

You know, it remembers a bit the pain in Asterix

Machete which has a reach of about 12 centimeters

You always take a hit before touching the enemy !

FUCK !!!!!

It's really bullshit !

What's the point of having a machete of that size

if it's for hitting with the amplitude of a Swiss knife !

Here ! Another great thing !

You can't hit with the machete crouching even if it's possible with guns ! Come on !

*applause*

And the winner in the category "What's the fuck ?"

Is...

It's okay ! We got it !

Fortunately, ennemis are incredibly dumb

They just make two-way trips on a preset way

Without consider your presence !

Hello ! Excuse me, what time is it ?

No ? Well nevermind !

Ah, there you are again ! Wait, I have a question !

Ah ok ! Well, goodbye then !

Here we go ! Duck fishing again ! Ho-po-po !

Frankly, this level is a pain in the ass ! Really !

Take Ninja Turtles on NES for example, aquatic level was a...

torture as difficulty !

And it traumatized a whole gamer generation !

But who has never redo it a decade in a row !

Well, ok, it was fucking hard but, at least there was challenge ! And everyone wanted to see what happens next !

And here ! Look here ! It annoyes me so much that I will go up right now !

At the end of each level, we are in a shop

Where you can notice that the points you have made until now

are using for buying weapons for your boat !

So it forces you to entirely make bonus stages !

SHIIIIIIIIT !!!!!

You can buy weapons for your trimaran, and mainly, you can fix it !

Because you don't earn any health points, obviously

And if you forgot, it's impossible to continue without losing !

Here we go ! Trimaran again ! Super !

Well, sometimes Smokers manage to enter the atolll's inner

For going kidnapping people !

So, for freeing them, you have to explode jet skis, and sometimes, a man goes out !

Fuck I swear to you, the movie takes place in 2500, guys lives all year long on water

They don't know how to swim ! They could have at least make the effort to learn swimming in 500 years !

Fuck, it's not true ! I have jet skis, bombers, destroyers,

speedboats, and now, there's seaplanes against me !

Against a poor trimaran ! It's okay ! All that's missing now is the Charles de Gaulle,

submarines, kraken, giant sharks, and here we go ! We make a party !

Very sincerely, it looks more than a bumper cars fight !

(Seb) Huh, bumper boats !

(Fred) Ohhh shut up !

Oh fuck, that's not true ! Another level with the trimaran ! No !!

What's that shit here ? I don't even have recover my health points !

Okay, I'm fed up, it's alright ! That game is too hard, it's too irritating !

Why developers made games like this when we were kids ? Frankly ?

The didn't knew it was for kids that kind of things ?

Enough ! Come on !

(Seb) Another game you won't finish !

(Fred) What ? What ? You want to finish the game yourself ? Take this !

(Seb) It's not me the tester ! It's you who have to do it !

(Fred) You want me to finish it ? Ok, let's go ! I will finish this game, you'll see !

Well ok, password and we start again !

*Paul Stanley - Live To Win*

***

Last boss, finally !

And here is another kind of shitty boss I have to put in my collection !

Here, now it's my turn !

Now it's your turn !

You make the same 3 levels during hours

by defending the same atoll, killing the same Smokers

beating thousands of jet skis for pick up the 3 same assholes in the water

Who don't know how to swim, as always, in nearly same sceneries !

And finally, you end with the easiest boss I've ever seen

In all my video games !

That's multiplying your frustration of doing all this for nothing !

And now, brace yourselves

to see the most beautiful end of your life !

Well, it was Waterworld

This being said, game isn't totally to throw away ! I mean, there's good graphics !

The music is OK !

And the animation is not that bad !

That being said, you have seen it, the game is boring,

Difficult ! But difficult to dying ! It's at the point to be infeasible !

And mostly, it's repetitive, repetiti, repetiti, repetiti repetiti repetitive!!

Here, what I wanted to say, it's not because a game is well packed

it will not give you hours of fun and pleasure !

And that is even more true today !

Assessment : Licence games, it was not better before !

As for you, I've not already finished !

*creepy music*

(Seb) The last camel fish with otter beak has just disappearing

It was found beached on one of our coasts !

According to first analyzes, it would have choked by ingesting a video game

Thrown away by a vile character ! Questioned on this subject this morning

Semoule professor has said, I quote :

To stop throwing your fucking shitty garbages in the ocean, please, thanks !

Here, it was the news of the last 24 hours, let's go to...