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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Jack and Jill vs. The World

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[car horns honking]

[narrator] In fairy tales,

happiness is there for the taking.

[siren wailing]

Slay the dragon, save the princess.

Live happily ever after.

♪♪ [rock]

Ageless beauty

[radio host] Hey, we're talking about boobs, beers, spirits, flonk,

some call it moonshine or screech.

Name your poison. How much can you drink? What does it mean?

Thu-- segment brought--

Klubendorf Beer, welcome--

Once upon a time, there was a young man named Jack.

And Jack took the pursuit of happiness very seriously.

See, in Jack's world,

happiness came with a price tag.

Fancy cars, designer suits.

Jack had it all.

The only thing Jack never bought was the old adage,

"The best things in life are free."

Can you blame him?

And by his standards, he was a success.

[horn honking]

Move it!

His happiness was beautifully uncomplicated.

I called you there.

No, I meant my job.

The part of Prince Charming was not for Jack.

The condo, the clothes, the car,

the coffee, the career.

His life.

[exhales]

It all worked.

On paper, at least.

What's up, bird? What are you doing,

just eating garbage,

shitting everywhere?

Hey, man, I feel ya.

Still, that flying thing,

that's gotta be pretty good, right?

Hello? Hi.

Can you hear me now?

What about now? Oh, great. Yes.

I was calling you back about that room for rent.

Uh-huh. Yeah, sure, hold on. Oh.

Shit!

Are you still there? Hello?

Ugh!

[clears throat]

[tires screeching]

Nice kick.

[horns honking]

You all right?

I'm sorry. I'm having-- I'm having the worst day.

Can you help me with something?

I'm a little lost. I-- [chuckles]

[narrator] But in life,

as much as you try to hide,

complications will inevitably find you.

You know that's a subway map, right?

What? It's got streets on it.

Right, but it's mainly used for,

you know, the subway.

[scoffs] Okay.

When Jack met Jill...

he took their meeting at face value.

[receptionist] Good morning, Buffet and Pringle.

Please hold. I'll transfer you.

Hey, jackass. We missed you.

There was some serious talent in there.

Did we cast it?

Some maybes, but no.

[clicks tongue]

Snap, crackle, pop.

She's our girl, George.

Trying to make a play here?

I'm just sayin', she's our girl.

'Cause if you are, I'll tell Sally to cancel dinner.

What's dinner gotta do with--

Wait.

Is this another one of those--

Yeah.

Yep. Yes, it is.

[narrator] Sure, there'd been other girls,

but Jack had been able

to navigate through those situations... unscathed.

It's like our hormones are going boingo-boingo, time to be Mommy!

"Boingo-boingo." I don't think I've heard that expression.

I've heard "boing."

No, but that's the sound a kangaroo makes.

You are so adorable!

I'm gonna run to the little boy's room.

But when I come back,

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this boingo-boingo business, okay?

Ahh!

Excuse me.

♪♪ [surf guitar]

Excuse me.

Do you mind?

[director] We're holding for the voiceover.

Welcome to the Klube. A-- Cut.

That's a cut!

Kill.

What happened to the lotion?

♪♪ [surf guitar]

Excuse me.

Do you mind?

[shrieks] Oh, my gosh!

Cut.

[laughing]

I'm sorry.

Okay. First positions, everyone.

[coughing]

Action!

Excuse me.

[grunts]

Cut.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Cut. Cut!

I'm sorry.

Look, here's what we're gonna do.

She comes down and

the bathing suit top has to stay on

so she can roll to hand it.

What we do is we double-side tape.

Am I screwing up?

She's gonna reach for the lotion.

I mean, if I had another arm, I could--

Come over. She can roll...

They're just figuring some stuff out.

Or...

she can go like that.

You'd think

they were solving world hunger.

It's much more important than that.

All right.

We're gonna tie the top.

So I just moved to Manhattan, so I'm still figuring it all out,

but I used to come here as a kid.

I'd beg my parents to take me here.

I'm just so happy to be here. Wow!

Oh, this is great.

So I was a sophomore at Syracuse and...

[narrator] As much as he tried to fight it,

Jack couldn't help but be charmed by Jill.

...about acting, you know, so I quit.

I was out of there. And I'm just so excited.

Intrigued by her.

Oh, but I kinda miss Tupac already.

I left him with my parents. Wanna see a picture?

[laughing]

Whoa!

[laughing]

Yeah, he's looking good.

Isn't he cute? Mwah!

This the place?

Home sweet home.

You know these hostels are riddled with bedbugs,

crabs, stuff like that.

Hey, listen, you're not--

Itchy? [chuckles] No.

[laughing]

Anyway, thanks for the ride.

Hey, little mama!

There it was.

Jill!

Things were about to get complicated.

Well, this is it.

Uh, bathroom, kitchen, living area, TV.

That's, uh, that's my bedroom over there,

and the extra bedroom is, uh, right there.

There's a bit of a view there.

Oh, it's gorgeous.

You like?

Wow.

Just until you find something on your own.

Okay.

Thank you. Thank you.

All right. Just make yourself comfortable.

[squeals]

Please, of course they talked about it.

Of course you talked about it.

That is not the question.

The question is, how many? Hmm?

Am I right?

Sally, let me guess. You want a small family.

And, uh, George.

George wants you to be a baby machine.

[Sally, George laughing]

There's no such thing as the future

It's all dials and lofty dreams

Calendars and TV screens

There's no such thing as heroes

Just a bunch of ones and zeros

I used to think that having kids was like a total copout.

I mean, everyone jumping on the conveyor belt to do it

'cause they have nothing better to do.

I'm a career woman. So give me a break.

And now I know that there's more to it than that.

It's biological.

Do you want a coffee?

No, thanks.

I don't go there.

Why? What's wrong with it?

I try and buy fair trade coffee.

Oh.

Well...

I like this place.

Okay. Have a good day at work.

Yeah, you have a good audition.

And whatever else it is you do today.

Fair trade coffee. You heard of this?

Huh?

Eliminates the middle man.

Puts more money in the hands of the grower.

So you know about this.

Of course. Doesn't everybody?

If everybody knows about it, how come everyone doesn't buy it?

Not everyone carries it, I guess.

Downstairs. They sell fair trade blend downstairs.

I don't think that's the same.

[sighs] Why don't more coffee shops carry it?

It's all about profits.

Internationally, coffee prices have fallen like 80 percent in the last decade.

Has that low-fat cup of crap gotten any cheaper?

Do you know where to get it?

Ask a hippie.

They'll tell you.

Do you get it?

No.

Well, why not?

'Cause, Jack, hippies scare me, all right?

[horn blaring]

Mister Smith.

This is Jill, our trainee. She's gonna sit in on this.

Is that okay?

Hello.

Hi.

Just a few questions.

One. Why do you wanna adopt this cat?

Excuse me?

Why do you wanna adopt this cat?

Is that a trick question?

Nope, no tricks.

Just a simple question to get things rolling.

I like cats.

That your answer?

Yeah.

Is there something wrong with that?

We encourage details usually, but that's fine.

Likes... cats.

Black cats. I like black cats.

They're soft and everything. Small and soft and cuddly.

I like that.

Right.

Likes black cats.

Innocent.

I'm especially fond of their innocence.

You ever worn platform boots, Mr. Smith?

Pla-- Platform boots?

Teased your hair,

put on makeup, that sort of thing?

'Scuse-'Scuse me. What's--

Do you remember that band, they had that splash in the early '90s?

I think it was, um, Postal Partum?

That's my band.

Oh.

That was you?

Really? Oh!

They had that huge crowd-pleaser,

the whole act where they bit the kittens' tails off.

It was just pretend.

Drummers. They give me the heebie-jeebies.

Getting the hang of this?

Yeah. No drummers. Got it.

♪♪ [classical]

[bell ringing]

Hey, Dad.

Jack.

It's the first Monday of the month, Dad.

'Course. 'Course it is.

How ya been?

I'm fine.

How's the job?

It's fine.

How's business?

Fine. Fine.

I've been reading something. I think this is right up your alley.

This is out of print, so I was lucky to get my hands on this.

[sighs] "A History of Russia."

Razinovsky.

That's great, Dad. Thanks.

♪♪ [classical]

This Klubendorf's actually not bad.

Welcome to the Klube.

Anyway, I'm really grateful.

But I have to say that

hocking goods with all my shit hanging out isn't my thing.

You're moving on?

Life's too short.

You gotta do what makes you happy.

Yeah. The thing is,

people don't know what makes 'em happy.

They think they know because we tell them.

Real happiness is bad for sales.

Are you happy?

Uh...

Take me into your heart tonight

happiness is overrated.

And show me all your love tucked inside

Take me into your world

And I'll try my best to get you high

Take you on a moonlight ride

Anywhere you like

[radio host] ...in a pen with a herd of real sheep.

Mm-ah!

Yes?

Jill, c-can you come out here for a second?

Okay.

See, the thing is, I like my space and,

you know, you just moved in...

We're roommates, so it's a problem.

'Cause I'm a creature of habit.

You know, I'm set in my ways,

and although they may not be tremendously great habits,

they're still my habits, and they work for me.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

'Cause I'm-I'm-I'm neat. I'm organized.

And now I got-I got pink, and there's veggies and...

[stammers] So...

I don't think we should sleep together.

No, I mean, it was great.

Y-You were great. I just-- I really think...

it just sorta complicates the situation here.

And I, uh...

I'm definitely not into this obsession

everyone has with finding their soul mates and all that nonsense.

You know, so that's not gonna happen here.

No love.

Great.

Jack.

Can I catch a ride?

Sure. Fine, fine.

♪ ...that looks so wild and clean

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

Oh, she's my willow, she's my bane

I never been so tempted

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

She could be my child

Look at that, she smiled at me

Oh, I think I'm headed for the center of the world

Lucy, can I ask you a question?

Go for it.

How come every time I see you you're, like, different.

Different how?

The other day you were, like, some kind of Goth character,

and today it's like--

Is there some kind of rule

that says I gotta be one thing?

No.

Did you wake up this morning and feel...

exactly the same way you did yesterday?

No.

Hmm.

[chuckling]

Okay, so how do you feel today then?

Let's see.

Last night I got skunked by this loser in a linen suit

who looked a lot better in the dark.

So this morning, while I was trying to escape his waterbed,

I had this whole self-loathing thing going on.

And then by the time I got home,

I was full-on disgusted.

So I pulled this out and I thought, "Yeah. It works."

I don't know, when I feel like a robot, I guess I'll dress like one.

Okay. [chuckles]

Can I ask you a question?

What?

Are you a barfer?

Excuse me?

Bulimic or something?

'Cause you're skinny and you eat a lot. Like, more than anyone I know.

I have, uh, cystic fibrosis.

Is that bad?

It's not the greatest.

What does that mean?

[clears throat]

Well, it means that I don't absorb nutrients like most people,

so I have to eat a lot.

And that's it?

Hmm, no. There's a pulmonary component.

My lungs are building up scar tissue which eventually--

But some people live to be in their forties.

So you're this hot chick, and you've got cystic fibrosis.

Yes, but is there a rule that says I have to be one thing?

Jack, have you ever thought about getting a dog?

No.

Might lighten you up a bit,

get you out of the house, meet other dog people.

The assumption here is that I want to meet other people.

Jack?

Yeah.

Are you gay?

Yes, George. I'm gay.

No, because Sally thinks maybe, maybe you're gay.

I just said I was.

No, you're not.

I just said I'm gay, George.

But you're not.

No.

Fine.

[sighs]

So,

Sally met this chick at yoga.

Hey, you remember that girl we hired for the Klubendorf commercial?

Oh, she's hot, buddy. You should take a run at that.

I've been there.

You've been there been there?

She's my roommate.

Hey, how well do you know this chick,

'cause I saw this episode of The X Files once

where this girl goes out with all these different guys,

and then she sells their organs on the black market.

Then he started asking me all these questions.

Like am I good?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, that did come up.

And?

Well...

I realize that I didn't have a lot of answers for him.

I mean, I don't really know that much about you.

Well, I come from an island.

It's called the Island of Heart,

and it's surrounded by the Sea of Intuition.

Really?

The days are short, and the nights are even shorter.

And every dawn a fresh breeze

blows away the static thoughts and the dead ideas.

Mmm. It's nice.

So, I come from the planet Earth,

and my people are stubborn and set in their ways.

Our ideas don't just float in on a breeze.

We plant them in the ground

and watch them grow into big-ass trees

with big-ass roots.

[chuckles]

I eat dreamers for breakfast.

[snorts] Yeah, right.

You drink your breakfast from a can.

Like molecules we'd fall apart

And slam together in the dark

The dark is where the change is made

And all the best made plans are made

I love New York.

They turn into a deeper shade of colors me and you

[no audible dialogue]

In places we feel safe to hide

Where both our fragile worlds collide

A beautiful array of light Together mixed with cyanide

A place that we can both agree

Was meant for you and me

She loves me, yeah She loves me, yeah

Didn't need the lights above me

An angel is dancing in my heart

[coughing]

Hey there.

You in for a tune-up?

I am.

How long have you been here?

Hey, is, uh, is the room service any good?

How's the food?

Do they turn your bed down at night and leave a chocolate on the pillow?

Oh, all the nice hotels do it. Yo, Wyatt.

Just so you know, the kid and I are gonna want our beds turned down at night

and a chocolate on the pillow.

And I'll take a newspaper with my breakfast.

Do you want a newspaper?

Make that two.

Yes, ma'am.

[coughing]

Hey, kid, you should look into that.

Yeah, right.

So, what's your name?

Holly.

Got a boyfriend?

No.

No?

That's crazy. Pretty girl like you.

I got a boyfriend. He's cute.

Is he better than David Beckham?

Hmm, that depends.

On what?

If you like pretty boys with frosted hair.

Jill?

He found a place to hide High up in the trees

He rubbed his face with soil And dreamed that he was free

You seen my roommate?

A few days later on

He walked back into town

Resigned to try and stop Resigned to settle down

His eyes were filled with light

His eyes were filled with light

[TV audio]

He choked upon his tears and knew

Hello?

He would be all right

He found a place to live on Desert Avenue

Lame.

He leaned out of the window

And watched his whole life through

What?

Sure that he was missing

The things that bloom at night

Sure that if he saw them-- ♪

Jill?

Hmm.

Are you asleep?

Uh-uh.

Do you ever think about dying?

Mm-hmm.

What do you think about?

I think about wanting to learn as much as I can while I'm here.

Making an impact.

What do you think about?

Everyone forgetting me.

Can't let them forget, Holly.

You gotta fight.

We gotta fight.

Is that, uh--

It'd be coffee.

Jill didn't come home last night.

She didn't call.

No message. Sound weird to you?

Well, if she's like, say, your girlfriend,

then, yeah, that could be a little weird.

But she's just your roommate, right?

Right. Of course.

[TV announcer] Cordera fumbles.

It's a Tiger recovery at the 15.

Second and three. Wilson, play action.

Looks to Johnson, with the handoff to Mayfield.

Mayfield runs, and once again no gain.

Hi.

Hey.

Third and three.

Minute nineteen left to go in the third.

Tigers down by seven. This is a big play.

Once again they're stopped at the fifteen. No gain.

[sighs]

You ever climb a tree?

No.

I wanna climb a tree.

Anderson running at the 20.

Okay.

Wanna come?

Not really, no.

Why not? It'll be fun.

Fun is overrated.

[Jill] Isn't this great?

Nah. Not great.

Super great.

Now, what is this, the tree of trust,

or just some shitty tree in Tribeca?

What are we calling this?

Checking to see if you still like me.

[chuckling]

Hey, if I tell you what I want, will you tell me what you want?

I want you to leave a message when you're not coming home.

When you go back to your island, or whatever, I wanna know.

Deal.

Now me.

I don't want you to worry about me.

Uh...

I wanna have fun.

Fun? Like climbing trees fun?

Exactly. I want it to be fearless.

I wanna start something, mix it up.

Start a revolution!

Whoo!

What kind of revolution are we talking about here?

I don't know.

We need a manifesto.

Some rules to live by, something to keep us on our toes.

Hmm...

What are you doing?

It's called holding hands.

It's something people do to show affection.

Yeah, well, holding hands is--

Overrated?

But you're doing it anyway.

Hello.

Be honest.

Jill?

Did you hear me? I said be honest.

What are you talking about?

The manifesto. Be honest.

It should be rule number one.

Write it down.

Okay.

Uh...

Rule... one:

Be honest.

Done.

Good.

Bye.

Uh, oh--

Yeah, you do it 'cause you love me now

She's hanging up on me.

Do it 'cause he understands

Start hanging up on people.

Yeah, yeah

You do it 'cause he understands, understands

You do it bone dry

Yeah, you do it 'cause he's kinda shy

Well, yeah, you do it 'cause you're still alive

Why are you so mean to this thing?

Time is a construct, Jill.

Some Roman dude took it upon himself to measure shadows,

and then the rest of the world is bound by these little ticks.

But is it accurate?

Hmm? When you're having fun, time flies, right?

But when you're stuck in traffic, it stands still.

So, is it infinite or completely limited?

It's both, but that piece of junk just sits there and ticks.

Tick, tick, tick, tick.

It's like a Chinese water torture!

Well, I wish it would just stand still.

It can't.

Time is the enemy. We age, we wrinkle, we die.

Anyone who tells you different is living in a fairy tale.

Then let's live in a fairy tale.

Oh. Look, I have to work.

Okay. Rule two: Believe in fairy tales.

Whoa! Did you just kiss me?

You just kissed me.

No, I didn't.

Then what was that?

That was a peck.

[chuckles] You're weird.

Yeah, yeah, you do it 'cause he understands, understands

You do it bone dry

Well, yeah, you do it 'cause he's kinda shy

Yeah, you do it 'cause you had to try

You seem happy.

Happy or something.

Do I?

Maybe it's Jill.

She's fun.

Young and fun...

and she doesn't want babies.

George... let's do some pro bono.

Like Bono and The Edge Bono?

This isn't painfully dull to you?

Let's take something on.

Coffee. Fair trade coffee.

Let's do something for those guys.

I don't have time just to dream up fantasy campaigns for fair trade coffee.

Why not, George?

Because, Jack, I'm not Mr. Bachelor.

I work hard, and when I'm not working hard, I'm spending time with my wife.

[scoffs]

Don't scoff at me. You're not better than me.

I'm not saying I'm better than you.

Ah, sweeties, it's show time.

I wasn't saying I'm better than you.

Yes, you were.

No, I wasn't.

Yes, you were.

No, I wasn't.

Would you just stop, please?

Doop used to be the hippest hair gel out there.

I was using this product when I was younger than both of you boys.

We've gotta make Doop cool again.

We can do cool.

These guys are really cool.

Why don't you tell Mr. Carlin what you have in mind?

Well, let's begin by acknowledging that, uh, Doop is already cool.

We say let's keep the aesthetic.

It has integrity,

history,

street credibility.

Let's look at some of the print they used to move it off the shelves.

I don't know. It has to be hip.

What George is saying is that Doop is already hip,

and the campaign will simply reinforce that fact.

Other products may come and go, sir,

but Doop, Doop, Doop has always been there.

Bring back the old ads, huh?

Why would I pay you for that?

The man's got a point.

Not the old ads exactly, sir.

We would feather the campaign.

We need

a new, fresh campaign.

I want youngsters and clubs and malls

and on street corners talking about Doop.

Talking about how it holds your hair just so.

I want blogs and podcasts and...

viral.

I wanna go viral.

Why don't Jack and George draw up some proposals

and give you some options.

I want options!

Okay. Just a couple more questions.

How long have you guys been together?

Is that a question from your list?

Sir, it's up to me to determine whether this bunny is going

to a safe and supportive family.

You would be surprised how many people make stews out of these guys.

Oh, I wouldn't dream of it. We have grandchildren.

Fifteen.

Sixteen.

Oh, sixteen, that's right.

Wow. You're so lucky.

You guys have been together a long time, huh?

Forty-seven years.

Forty-eight.

[man] Forty-eight years.

You're old.

You're old people.

That's neat. [chuckles, sniffles]

Sweetie, is there something wrong?

Can I ask you a question?

What's your secret?

Well, we've both learned to hold our tongue over the years.

And... the nooky's always been good, hasn't it, dear?

How's it comin'?

Anything good?

"Doop and do it." "A little Doop will do ya."

See, that's good.

Right? It's classic.

"Dive into the Doop"? That's not bad.

Oh, this is good.

"Doop it and poop it. Big Doop, bigger poop."

Oh, and this one.

"Doopy-doopy-doo. Who fucking cares?"

Great. It's coming along nicely.

Here. Read this.

Okay.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident,

"that all men are created equal

"and that they are endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights.

"That among these... [clears throat, coughs]

are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

Right. So?

So it doesn't make sense.

You can't pursue happiness.

I mean, if it read,

"You have the right to pursue your dreams,

and, God willing, that makes you happy--" that I could buy.

Semantics.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

It's philosophy.

Happiness is intangible.

An emotion. You can't pursue it.

Okay, so you're saying that one of our core values is flawed?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Okay, so rule six would be...

Abandon the pursuit of happiness...

and its false promise.

Okay. Read 'em back to me.

Rule one:

"Be honest."

Good.

Two.

"Believe in fairy tales."

Rule three: "Accept time as your friend

and not our enemy."

Okay.

Rule four: "Make sure the nooky's good."

[laughing]

Rule five: "Promote beauty.

Wage a sustained campaign against ugliness."

And rule six:

"Abandon the pursuit of happiness--"

[coughing]

Jill, you all right?

[coughing] "of happiness and its false promise."

[horns honking]

[applause, whistling]

[man] Yeah, Lucy Luce!

Hi!

I am a robot

Among the millions of robots

I eat my sugar and watch my TV

Lots and lots and lots

[man] Me, too!

Without caffeine I can get pretty mean

Talk shows, new clothes are my vitamins

Soul brother!

Advertisements lead me to

The promised land

Come

Wow!

I miss the good of this land

You gotta admit was a friend

Dance with me!

Jill, there are people here!

And we can get there again

If we feel our feelings

I'm not dumb

I'm just numb

I'm not dumb

No. No. Absolutely not. No.

I'm just numb

Come

♪♪ [song continues]

Wow.

Jill, uh--

What? She's doing her thing, you know?

She doesn't care.

[Jack laughs]

That's likely the root of her problem.

[gasps]

I... am... lame...

Oh, my God! It's a dancing robot!

and have no friends.

Look!

No, it isn't.

Ah, and he sweeps me away in his big, boring silver bullet.

It's not good enough for you, princess?

No, I was hoping for a chariot and unicorns.

Something a little less predictable?

[chuckling]

[sighs] You want less predictable?

Here.

[gasps] What?

A '66 Corvair.

Jack! Where is it?

I got rid of it.

Oh, no, you didn't. Why?

I don't know. It was a lot of work.

I love it.

[scoffs]

It was always breaking down.

[sighs]

[Jack] So how about we never do that again?

[both laughing]

[recording] Hi, this is Jill's mom.

It's your mom.

What?

"We haven't heard from you in a couple of days, Sweet Jane.

Give us a ca--" Wait! It's your dad.

"We really miss you." Okay, okay, okay, okay!

Give it to me.

...now that you're in the big city.

[chuckling]

What? I miss them.

Nah, it's sweet. I just--

Shh.

Okay?

I don't have that.

Love you.

What are your parents like?

[sighs]

This... is my dad.

Ah.

This was supposed to be my birds and the bees talk.

Hmm.

Granted, it came a little late in life.

[chuckles]

Oh, uh, here.

Mm-hmm.

To truly understand the anatomy of anal retention...

you read this.

And if I ever thought of doing something really, really bad...

Mm...

I believe this was meant to cure me of that.

[chuckles]

[Jack sighs]

And that's how I was raised.

One book at a time.

You could... ♪

Hey.

be the next to go

Hold on to what you can

Give it all you can give

♪ 'Cause I don't want to waste

A second of this, babe

Let's pretend we've got twenty minutes to live

So hold on to what you can

Let's pretend we've got twenty minutes to live

Oh oh, hey, hey

Got it.

Okay. Read this.

Now, today, they call 'em terrorists.

In the old days, they were anarchists.

But, otherwise, it's exactly the same way as it was a hundred years ago.

Everybody blowing themselves to smithereens.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

It's great to meet you.

Mwah!

You ready?

Yeah.

Give us a call now.

Hmm.

Bye. Thanks.

Bye-bye.

Lovely girl, Jack. That's it, son.

[bell ringing]

Lovely girl.

I like him.

I could see that.

He loves you, Jack.

He's just not good at showing it.

You should cut him some slack.

Is that one of our rules now?

That's a good idea, Jack. Perfect. Rule seven.

Show compassion.

[scoffs]

Ah!

Ah.

How about meter maids?

I gotta show compassion to meter maids, too?

Banks, phones, insurance, meter maids.

You don't have to show compassion to them.

[coughs]

[coughs]

We create a haven.

Free of fights, expectations, fear.

Free of noise, damn it.

Horns, alarms, things that go boom.

A library of the mind,

where the voices of doubt are frowned upon.

Now let's take them to a place where we're all understood.

Where there's no pain, no arguments.

A place...

where no one is wrong.

Because, deep down, we all wanna be understood, right?

Guys, women,

teenagers...

even old people.

Everyone is silently pleading:

"Just hear me."

George, would you give us a minute?

Exceptional work, Jack.

Now we can all live together as one in perfect peace and harmony.

Mr. Doop is a big account,

And Mr. Doop is interested in making money

not saving the world.

Get it together, Jack!

But I'm trying to elevate here.

You're off Doop.

All right, hold on!

What are you smoking, dude?

That was a big account.

We're supposed to be a team! That wasn't team.

I'm sick of this mire of mediocrity!

Mire of-- What?

We're bullshit artists, George! That's what we do!

We sell shit for a living!

For once in my life, I was trying to tell the truth!

One to ten me. How mad are you?

George, George, look! I'm sorry, George!

Shit, man. It's just a stupid hair gel.

Would you stop running like a sissy?

[grunting]

[both coughing]

I can't afford to have you go through a crisis, Jack.

I have to bring home the bacon now.

Sally's pregnant.

Damn, man. Why didn't you tell me?

It's early. First trimester.

You're not supposed to say anything.

That's amazing.

You are going to be happy.

It was beautiful, and we sat in the twilight laying our plans.

You were going to work in the world.

The living world.

The lone messenger of emancipation.

Thank you, Jill.

You'll do fine. Thanks for coming in.

When?

'Scuse me?

Well, when am I gonna do fine,

'cause it's been months of these meetings and nothing.

Sweetie, we're all asking that question.

[sighs]

You start at the bottom,

and then you claw your way up.

I claw my way up? Great.

You're new in town. Give it some time.

Those two jokers got the Doop campaign?

Yep.

Jack!

Jack!

Hey.

[tires screeching]

[horns honking]

Just go!

[sighs]

Hey, Jill.

What are you doing?

You're so--

What's wrong with you?

What? Nothing happened.

That car just almost hit you!

Relax. It's no big deal.

It is a big deal. It's a huge deal. It's your life.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?

Nothing's important to you.

Jill, it's okay.

No. Here. I made you lunch.

I don't think it was as clo-- Jill, wai--

Jill, wait!

What the hell just happened?

Hey, George. [sighs]

How does this relationship nonsense usually work?

Usually you go on a couple of dates, see if you like each other.

Eventually you have sex.

Right. I, uh, sort of skipped the whole dating thing.

So what then?

And then if you're happy with the action,

you become boyfriend and girlfriend.

It's really fun for like three months, and then you realize it's work.

Then you dump her.

[scoffs]

Or not.

Okay,

let's say not.

You move in together.

I did that.

Right.

Well...

then you get married.

You start your trajectory of acquisitions:

knives, forks, juicer, barbecue.

You move to the 'burbs, you buy a house, you pop some kids out.

You fight, you cheat, you separate, divorce.

You split the shit and you see the kids on weekends.

Then you start all over again.

It all sounds so promising.

It's just an outline, Jack.

Time can take its toll on the best of us

Look at you, you're growing old so young

Traffic lights blink at you in the evening

Tilt your head and turn it to the sun

[coughing]

She's still here?

Never left.

Waiting on a new set of lungs. Decided on the transplant.

She's gonna be happy to see you.

[Jill on TV] Excuse me?

Do you mind?

Klubendorf.

Dream on, guy.

Welcome to the Klube.

All right, I can do all the things you do

All right, I'll make it all up for you

"Be back soon."

"Back soon." What the hell does that mean?

[interviewer] Here on the streets to talk

with John and Jane Q. Public

about the meaning of life.

What is the meaning of life?

Meaning of life?

Yes.

Uh...

Finding happiness--

What kind of name is Jack?

He sounds old. It's a stupid name.

Holly.

There's no Jack, Jill.

What makes you say that?

Because... everyone lies to me.

I'm not lying to you.

Well, he never comes and visits you.

And he doesn't call you.

You don't call him.

Boys are stupid.

Everything is stupid.

Holly, you need to buck up.

No, I don't.

I'm tired of bucking up.

Bucking up is so stupid.

I want lungs that work.

Through my window, lying on the kitchen floor

All right, I can say what you want me to

All right, I can do all the things you do

All right, I'll make it all up for you

I'm still in love with you

I'm still in love with you

I want more

[phone ringing]

[ringing]

- Hello? - Jill?

What the hell! Where are you?

Hey, babe. Hey. Hold on.

There's someone here that doesn't believe you exist.

Say hello to Holly Goodman.

Hello?

Hi.

Hi.

Who's this?

[chuckling]

That was Holly Goodman. Remember that name, Jack.

This kid's going places.

Holly Goodman. Who is she?

She's a friend.

Jill, where are you? It sounds like you're in an airport.

[woman on PA] ...financial advisor...

Hey, Jack.

Um, we need stickers.

Stickers?

Yeah. Remember the manifesto?

Oh, right. Yeah, the manifesto. How could I forget?

Yeah, so, um, we want them to stay "Stupid" on them.

Stickers that say "Stupid."

And we want a thousand of 'em.

Five thousand.

No, we want five thousand stickers.

You want five thousand stupid stickers.

Yeah.

What-- [sighs]

[sighs] Jack.

I'm sorry. I-- I had to go away again.

Is everything all right?

I'm worried about you.

Yeah. Yeah, everything is--

Everything is fine. Uh, don't be worried, 'kay?

I'm gonna come home soon.

Okay, well, remember the stickers?

Love you.

[sighs]

He doesn't know you're sick.

"Love you"?

Yeah. Not "I love you."

Not "Love ya," just "Love you."

Yeah. Hard to say. I don't know.

But you and Sally--

Right from the start. Love at first sight.

Boingo-boingo.

Yeah.

I don't think boingo-boingo is quite my speed.

Uh, yeah, hello?

I'd like to order some stickers.

[door opening]

[Jill clears throat]

Where were you?

Is there someone else?

I need to know what's going on.

[sighing] Okay.

You were at the airport.

Where did you go?

Tell me, Jill.

I'm sick.

What do you mean, you're sick?

I have cystic fibrosis.

What, what--

What-What is-- What is that?

Well, it's--

[sighs] I have trouble breathing,

and that's why I'm constantly coughing and--

That's why I eat like a freakin' pig and I don't gain weight.

See? It's not all that bad. [giggles]

How long have you had this?

I was born with it.

Is it--

Is it fatal?

Eventually.

What is eventually?

Like ten years or more.

Or less. I mean, it's, uh--

They're finding out new things about it all the time. Come here.

What is this?

What does this say? What the hell does that say?

Be honest.

That's rule one!

Damn it!

[door closes]

[sobbing]

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin

Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in

[coughing]

Now you're outside and you see all the beauty

Repent all your sin

[radio host] Your main man. That's beautiful, man.

Morning. This traffic--

I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose

I'll write you a postcard I'll send you the news

From a house down the road, from real love

Live through this

And you won't look back

Live through this

And you won't look back

Live through this

And you won't look back

Here. You might wanna file these.

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave

You were what I wanted I gave what I gave

I'm not sorry I met you I'm not sorry it's over

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

[barking]

Hey!

Hi.

I got more crap.

Let's see. I got...

Doritos.

I got Ben & Jerry's. Hey, look.

They got a new flavor. Couch Potato.

[coughs]

You didn't think that was funny? Couch Potato? [chuckles]

Take it back to the joke factory?

Okay.

What are we gonna do, babe?

I'm gonna go home.

Home, huh?

What about your career?

What career?

I'm Klubendorf girl.

Come on.

You're doing your thing, and you've got friends.

I mean, I'm not gonna tickle your toes or anything, but I'm here for you.

I just need to take a step back and re-evaluate, just--

Re-evaluate, huh?

Okay.

Here.

Re-evaluate this.

What are you doing?

Come on.

Oh, my God, Lucy! What are you doing?

You gotta let it out.

I can't believe you right now!

[sobbing]

I don't wanna be sick anymore.

[crying]

It's not fair!

Come on.

[crying]

I don't wanna be sick anymore.

[Jack] So that's what she's been hiding.

Can you die from it?

Apparently.

Yeah, thirty's, like, old.

It's a raw deal, my friend. I'm sorry.

What you gonna do?

Yeah, man.

What you gonna do?

What? I'm not gonna do anything.

She lied to me, George,

and that was rule number one: no lies.

So she lied.

Do I look like Florence Nightingale?

You're an asshole.

You're dumping her 'cause she's sick?

She'll get over it.

It's not her I'm worried about.

Girl made you happy.

[sighs]

Oh! What the--

Aw, come on!

So I went to my truck this morning,

and someone had stuck a sticker right over the gas tank.

That's terrible.

Yeah.

Guess what it said.

One nuclear bomb ruins your whole day?

Said "Stupid."

Just...

"Stupid."

Somebody thinks your truck is stupid, obviously.

I'm gonna bring in the client and make a recommendation.

G-R-E-A-T.

Excuse me?

Great.

Like, whoopee.

If you don't like your job, quit.

If you don't like my work, fire me.

You know, it's always more pleasant for everyone

if you make the appearance of liking your job.

I just conceptualized a commercial for pre-laid carpet.

So just how excited would you like me to be?

Okay, so you guys are at an amusement park,

and you're all having a great time-- roller coasters,

cotton candy, the whole shebooey.

Except one of you has your period.

Now, which one of you wants to have your period?

Oh, I will.

I will have my--

Okay, you. Fantastic.

So you have your period, and you guys are, like, her best friends.

And you know about this new tampon

that's completely discreet and totally comfortable,

and you, like, school her on how cool this new tampon is.

So, I want you to improvise a little scene and don't stop until I say.

Mm-kay? All right. Go ahead.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so excited.

It's the Humper Bumper.

Oh, my-- Oh, I wanna go, but I--

What? What, what, what?

I have my period. I feel really bloated.

No way!

What are you using?

Well, pads,

but I really--

You are not!

I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to stop you there. Uh, hello?

Is there a problem? [chuckles]

Is it just me, or is this really, really stupid?

[scoffs]

Good luck.

Well, meow.

Huh. Anyway.

Um, sorry to interrupt you. So, continue.

So, uh, new tampon

and Ferris wheel, roller coasters, go.

It's over?

Sorry to hear that, son. I--

Don't, don't do that.

What?

Don't "son" me.

What should I call you then?

I don't know.

How about my name?

Jackson Randall Forth Wright.

Randall was your mother's idea.

I never cared for the name,

but I wanted to make your mother happy.

That's all I ever wanted was to... make my family happy.

She left a void in both our hearts, son.

As your father I should have done more to fill you up.

I regret that now.

Sometimes life just tosses you a knuckleball,

and you think you got your eye on it, but if floats on by.

You just used a... a sports metaphor.

I could punch you in the arm if you like.

Let's not overdo it.

I think your mother felt that running away was her best option.

[elevator bell dings]

[clears throat]

Can I help you?

Is this the cystic fibrosis place?

Yes.

I'm looking for Jill. You know her?

Uh, yep.

Is she here?

Uh, no, she's not.

[sighing]

I'm Jack. I'm a friend of Jill's.

Mm-hmm.

She ever mention me? [chuckles]

Can't say that she has, no.

She-- She coming back sometime?

I sure hope so. We love having her.

♪ ... faking the truth for the day

I've tried to convince you

I've tried to make a play for the day

[barking]

You'd say I tried to

Okay.

Hi.

I understand you're interested in adopting a dog.

How's the... robotic routine going?

You st-still jammin'?

We have a few standard questions

to help us determine whether you're a good candidate

before we release the dog to your custody.

Okay.

Why do you want to adopt this dog?

Lucy, is she here?

No.

But you guys still talk, don't you?

Sometimes.

Well, did she say anything about me?

Look, if you wanna talk to her, call her.

Do you wanna answer the question?

[stammers] What was the question?

Why do you want to adopt a dog?

Why didn't she tell me?

She did.

Sooner.

She tells people she's sick,

and that's all they see.

I guess she wanted to come first.

She thought she'd tell you,

you'd leave.

Weird, huh?

Look, I-- I know I screwed up.

I know.

If you tell me she doesn't love me...

then I'll leave her alone.

But if you think there's even a chance...

Port Authority.

Four o'clock Greyhound. She's going to Hollywood.

Today?

Yes.

Hey!

What about the dog?

If you shed or piss, it's over.

You understand?

[honking]

Come on!

Come on. Mo-Move, please.

Move it, please.

Here you go.

Thank you.

A painful reminder that you're not mine anymore

Anymore

Anymore

[Jack] Move it. Move.

You're not mad anymore

Time is my friend.

Uh, rule... rule, eh?

What rule is that? Uh, three!

Rule number three, "Time is my friend." Now let's move, baby!

If I am lost for a day, try to find me

If I don't come back, then I won't look behind me

All of the things that I thought were so easy

Just got harder and harder each day

December is darkest

In June there's the light

But if this empty bedroom won't make anything right

While out on the landing

A friend I forgot to send home

Who waits up for me all through the night

Calendar girl who's in love with the world

Stay alive

Calendar girl who's in love with the world

Stay alive

[radio host] You do! This ain't--

Dreamed I was dying as I so often do

And when I awoke I was sure it was true

I ran to the window Threw my head to the sky

And said whoever is up there

Please don't let me die

But I can't live forever

I can't always be

One day I'll be sand on a beach by the sea

The pages keep turning

I'll mark off each day with a cross

And I'll laugh about all that we've lost

Calendar girl who is lost to the world

Stay alive

I can quit, or you can fire me.

If you fire me, I get a better severance

and you come off looking like a sweetheart.

You're fired.

Thank you.

What's up, bird?

So this is it.

Anything you wanna say to me?

Hmm?

Adios.

[alarm bell ringing]

Hey, what's going on up there?

I don't know.

[sirens wailing]

[firefighter] Excuse me. Coming through.

Hey. What's going on?

Bomb threat.

Someone called in saying they're waging a campaign against ugliness.

What?

Apparently our building is a crime against beauty.

I thought it was a nice building, but, hey.

Each to their own, I guess.

[man] There are people coming out of the building.

There's fire trucks here. There's police everywhere.

Be brave. It's fine.

Hey.

What are you doing here, Jill?

Holly wasn't convinced you were real,

so we dragged her down here to see for herself.

What do you think?

He's okay.

Always a pleasure, Jack.

Lucy.

[sighs] Well, I got the manifesto here.

You added one.

"Always be willing to admit when you're wrong."

I ran it past the girls, and, uh...

they think it's a good one.

Miss me?

Yes.

[chuckles] Good.

Sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

[narrator] For people who are pursuing happiness,

the six-figure salary

and all the mumbo-jumbo that goes along with it,

they would probably say that Jack was crazy.

Mexico or Canada?

Hang on.

Jill? You know that's a subway map, right?

Mm-hmm. It's got streets on it.

Left or right?

Mm, left!

'Course I could have given you all a book on the subject,

and probably the prince would have saved the day.

But maybe real life is better than make-believe.

Love isn't a fairy tale. Let's be honest.

After all, it's rule number one.

We are here to take the blame

To take the taunts and lift the shame

We are here to make you feel

It terrifies you, but it's real

It will keep you up all night

And in the flood of morning light

Spilling out across your room

You say the words We'll get there soon

The revolution wasn't bad

We hit the streets with all we had

A tape recording of the sound of The Velvet Underground

A K-Way jacket torn to shreds

And a dream inside our heads

And after changing everything

They couldn't tell, we couldn't see

After changing everything

They couldn't tell, we couldn't see

They couldn't tell, we couldn't see

And that changes everything

I am a robot

Among the millions of robots

I eat my sugar and watch my TV

Without caffeine I can get pretty mean

Talk shows, new clothes are my vitamins

Advertisements lead me to the promised land

Money-hungry corporations

Agents of eternal biz

Integration

Come

I miss the good of this land

You gotta admit was a friend

And we can get there again

If we feel our feelings Our feelings

Our feelings, our feelings our feelings, our feelings

The Description of Jack and Jill vs. The World