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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Dumb And Dumber

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[TIRES SCREECH]

EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET TO THE MEDICAL SCHOOL?

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING A LECTURE IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES,

AND MY DRIVER'S A BIT LOST.

[WITH AUSTRIAN ACCENT] YOU GO STRAIGHT AHEAD,

AND, UH, YOU MAKE A LEFT OVER THE BRIDGE.

THAT'S A LOVELY ACCENT YOU HAVE.

NEW JERSEY?

AUSTRIA.

AUSTRIA! HA HA!

WELL, THEN...

[WITH AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] G'DAY, MATE.

HA HA HA!

LET'S PUT ANOTHER SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE.

LET'S NOT.

OH.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY NEW LINE VIDEO

[APACHE INDIAN SINGING BOOM SHACK-A-LAK]

WHO'S GOT THE WIENER SCHNITZEL?

[DOG BARKS]

BEAUTIFUL. THERE YOU GO, DOLF.

THERE YOU GO, BUDDY. YEAH.

LET'S SEE.

NEXT, WE GOT ROAST BEEF AU JUS.

[DOG WHINES]

WHO'S GOT THE ROAST BEEF AU JUS?

STELLA, BEAUTIFUL. BON APPETIT, STELLA.

OUI, OUI. YEAH.

WALK AWAY. GO ON. GO ON.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST,

FOOTLONG!

WHO'S GOT THE FOOTLONG?

[WHINING]

THERE YOU-- VERY FUNNY, RASCAL.

VERY FUNNY. IN YOUR DREAMS.

[MAN] HARRY, WHY HAVEN'T YOU DROPPED THOSE DOGS OFF

AT THE SHOW YET?

UH, SIR, I DIDN'T WANT TO SEND THEM

TO A PERFORMANCE ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.

GET A MOVE ON IT!

YES, SIR.

MUTT CUTTS. TEN-FOUR.

[WHINING]

[HORN HONKS]

[WHINING]

[HONK]

[WHINING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

WHEW.

SUCK ME SIDEWAYS.

HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

UH--UH--UH...UH...

UH--UH...

I'LL BE OUT IN ONE MINUTE.

[MUMBLING]

OW.

[INHALES]

[EXHALES]

WHY ARE YOU GOING TO THE AIRPORT?

FLYING SOMEWHERE?

HOW DID YOU GUESS?

I SAW YOUR LUGGAGE.

THEN WHEN I NOTICED THE AIRLINE TICKET,

I PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.

SO WHERE YOU HEADED?

ASPEN.

MMM. CALIFORNIA.

BEAUTIFUL.

NAME'S CHRISTMAS, LLOYD CHRISTMAS.

I'M MARY SWANSON.

THIS ISN'T MY REAL JOB, YOU KNOW.

NO?

MY FRIEND HARRY AND I ARE SAVING UP OUR MONEY

TO OPEN OUR OWN PET STORE.

THAT'S NICE.

I GOT WORMS.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO CALL IT--I GOT WORMS.

WE'RE GOING TO SPECIALIZE IN SELLING WORM FARMS,

YOU KNOW, LIKE ANT FARMS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

A LITTLE TENSE ABOUT THE FLIGHT?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THERE'S REALLY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, MARY.

STATISTICALLY, THEY SAY YOU'RE MORE LIKELY

TO GET KILLED ON THE WAY TO THE AIRPORT,

LIKE IN A HEAD-ON CRASH OR FLYING OFF A CLIFF

OR GETTING TRAPPED UNDER A GAS TRUCK.

THAT'S THE WORST. I HAVE THIS COUSIN--

WELL, I HAD THIS COUSIN.

LLOYD, COULD YOU KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD, PLEASE?

OH. YEAH.

GOOD THINKING.

CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL.

A LOT OF BAD DRIVERS OUT THERE.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[MAN] HEY, WATCH IT!

[DOGS WHINING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

O.K., GANG.

YOU KNOW THE RULES.

NO HUMPING. NO PUSHING. NO SNIFFING HEINIES.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

MY DOGS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE 40 MINUTES AGO.

NOW I HARDLY HAVE ANY TIME TO PRIMP THEM.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING, MRS. NEUGYBURGER.

NEUGEBOREN!

NEU-NEU-NEUG--

BOREN!

THESE POOCHES AREN'T GOING TO NEED ANY PRIMPING.

YOU KNOW WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE I BATHED THEM, AND I CLIPPED THEM MYSELF,

AND I STAND BY MY PERFORMANCE.

[WHIMPERING]

YOU KNOW, ON SECOND THOUGHT,

YOU MIGHT JUST WANT TO RUN A COMB THROUGH THEM.

THE WHITE ZONE

IS FOR THE IMMEDIATE LOADING AND UNLOADING

OF PASSENGERS ONLY.

NO PARKING.

THANKS. HERE YOU GO.

OH, NO, MARY.

I COULDN'T POSSIBLY ACCEPT THAT,

NOT AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH.

THANK YOU, LLOYD.

UH, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR WORMS.

YEAH.

HEY.

HOW ABOUT A HUG?

THE WHITE ZONE

IS FOR THE IMMEDIATE LOADING AND UNLOADING

OF PASSENGERS ONLY.

NO PARKING.

OH.

I HATE GOOD-BYES.

[STIFLED CHUCKLE]

OH.

[GROANS]

UH, LLOYD--

SHH!

[WHISPERING] Just go.

[VOICE WAVERING] BE STRONG.

[SIGHS]

SHE'S GOING TO LEAVE THE BRIEFCASE

NEAR THE ESCALATOR.

YOU MAKE THE PICKUP.

PIECE OF CAKE.

GOOD-BYE, MY LO-- ♪♪

UH!

HA! HA!

HI!

UH! MARY!

[MAN] THERE'S OUR PAYDAY.

SHE LEFT IT. LET'S GO.

[LLOYD] EXCUSE ME!

COMING THROUGH!

MOVE IT OR LOSE IT, SISTER!

HEY!

[PANTING]

EENIE...

MEENIE...

MINIE...

MO!

HOLD THAT PLANE!

SIR, YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE!

IT'S O.K.!

I'M A LIMO DRIVER!

AAH!

[THUD]

WHEW...

[GROANING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

HI, LLOYD.

HI, HARRY.

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

NOT BAD.

FELL OFF THE JETWAY AGAIN.

[TIRES SCREECH]

WHO THE HELL YOU FIGURE

THIS GUY'S WORKING FOR, ANYWAY?

I DON'T KNOW.

WE SURE AS HELL BETTER FIND OUT.

THE ULCER?

I'LL LIVE.

[PARAKEET CHIRPING]

SO YOU GOT FIRED AGAIN, HUH?

OH, YEAH.

THEY ALWAYS FREAK OUT

WHEN YOU LEAVE THE SCENE OF AN ACCIDENT, YOU KNOW?

YEAH, WELL, I LOST MY JOB, TOO.

MAN!

YOU ARE ONE PATHETIC LOSER.

[LAUGHING]

NO OFFENSE.

NO. NONE TAKEN.

[LAUGHING LOUDER]

[BOISTEROUS LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY CHAFFS MY ASS, THOUGH?

I SPENT MY LIFE SAVINGS

TURNING MY VAN INTO A DOG.

HI, PETEY!

THE ALARM ALONE COST ME 200.

HEY! CHICKS LOVE IT.

IT'S A SHAGGIN' WAGON.

WHAT'S WITH THE BRIEFCASE?

IT'S A LOVE MEMENTO.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ALIVE.

I DROVE HER TO THE AIRPORT.

SPARKS FLEW.

EMOTIONS RAN HIGH.

SHE ACTUALLY TALKED TO ME, MAN.

GET OUT OF HERE.

OH, YEAH. YEAH.

TRACTOR BEAM.

[HUMMING WHISTLE]

SUCKED ME RIGHT IN.

ANYWAY...

[INHALES DEEPLY]

SHE LEFT THIS IN THE TERMINAL

AND FLEW TO ASPEN AND OUT OF MY LIFE.

WHAT'S IN IT?

MAN...

I WOULD HAVE TO BE A LOWLIFE

TO GO ROOTING AROUND IN SOMEBODY ELSE'S PRIVATE PROPERTY.

IS IT LOCKED?

YEAH. REALLY WELL.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[HARRY] THERE'S TWO OF THEM. ONE'S GOT A GUN.

DID YOU PAY THE GAS BILL?

HEY!

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

SORRY. I SAY WE BAIL.

O.K.

[CUPBOARD DOOR SLAMS]

BRIEFCASE AIN'T HERE.

THEY MUST HAVE TAKEN IT WITH THEM.

WELL, HE'S GOT TO COME HOME SOMETIME.

MAYBE WE SHOULD TRASH THE PLACE,

SEND HIM A LITTLE MESSAGE.

I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO GET THAT MESSAGE, JOE.

I MEAN, THE GUY'S GOT WORMS IN HIS LIVING ROOM.

WELL...

OH, I GOT A BETTER IDEA.

[CHIRPING]

I TOUGHT I TAW A PUDDY CAT.

I DID. I DID.

[SQUAWKING]

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE DROVE AROUND ALL DAY

AND THERE'S NOT A SINGLE JOB IN THIS TOWN.

THERE IS NOTHING. NADA. ZIP!

YEAH, UNLESS YOU WANT TO WORK 40 HOURS A WEEK.

PFTT!

HERE. I'M GOING TO GO TO THE STORE.

O.K. JUST GET THE BARE ESSENTIALS.

THIS IS THE LAST OF OUR DOUGH.

HEY. WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE?

TOOK A LITTLE WALK TO THE EDGE OF TOWN

[BANG]

UH!

UH!

CRIPES!

EXCUSE ME, LITTLE OLD LADY.

[TIRES SCREECH]

UH!

UH, DO YOU HAVE CHANGE OF A DOLLAR?

CHANGE?

NO. I'M SORRY. I DON'T.

OH. WELL, UH...

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND WATCH MY STUFF HERE

WHILE I GO BREAK A DOLLAR?

OF COURSE.

THANKS.

HEY.

I GUESS THEY'RE RIGHT.

SENIOR CITIZENS,

ALTHOUGH SLOW AND DANGEROUS BEHIND THE WHEEL,

CAN STILL SERVE A PURPOSE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. DON'T YOU GO DYING ON ME!

UH!

WHERE'S THE BOOZE?

I GOT ROBBED BY A SWEET OLD LADY

ON A MOTORIZED CART.

I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING.

[HARRY MOANS]

HARRY?

HARRY.

COME ON, HARRY.

CHEER UP.

IT GETS WORSE, LLOYD.

MY PARAKEET PETEY...

YEAH?

HE'S DEAD.

AW.

AW, MAN. I'M SORRY, HARRY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

HIS HEAD FELL OFF.

HIS HEAD FELL OFF?

YEAH. HE WAS PRETTY OLD.

OH!

THAT'S IT.

I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS DUMP!

WE GOT NO FOOD.

WE GOT NO JOBS.

OUR PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

O.K.! JUST CALM DOWN!

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE, HARRY?

WE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS TOWN!

YEAH? AND GO WHERE? WHERE ARE WE GOING TO GO?

I'LL TELL YOU WHERE.

SOMEPLACE WARM...

A PLACE WHERE THE BEER FLOWS LIKE WINE,

WHERE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN INSTINCTIVELY FLOCK

LIKE THE SALMON OF CAPISTRANO.

I'M TALKING ABOUT A LITTLE PLACE CALLED...

Aspen.

I DON'T KNOW, LLOYD. THE FRENCH ARE ASSHOLES.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO, MISTER.

YEAH! YOU JUST WANT TO GO TO ASPEN

AND FIND THAT GIRL WHO LOST HER BRIEFCASE,

AND YOU NEED ME TO DRIVE YOU THERE!

RIGHT?

YEAH. SO?

AM I RIGHT? AM I RIGHT?

YEAH! SO?

SO I WANT TO GO SOMEPLACE WHERE WE KNOW SOMEBODY

WHO CAN PLUG US INTO THE SOCIAL PIPE LINE.

NO! NO, NO, NO! NO, LLOYD!

NO! I SAY WE STAY HERE, WE HUNT FOR JOBS,

AND WE KEEP SAVING OUR MONEY FOR THE WORM STORE!

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I AM GETTING SICK AND TIRED

OF RUNNING FROM CREDITORS!

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SICK AND TIRED OF, HARRY?

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING TO EKE MY WAY THROUGH LIFE.

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING A NOBODY.

BUT MOST OF ALL...

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING NOBODY.

O.K., LLOYD.

ASPEN IT IS.

YOU'D BETTER NOT BE FOOLING.

[CHUCKLES]

[SOBBING]

O.K.

O.K.

JUST LET IT OUT. HAVE A GOOD CRY.

COME ON.

O.K.

[SOBBING LOUDLY]

O.K., THAT'S ENOUGH.

I NEVER MET A GIRL

WHO MADE ME FEEL THE WAY THAT YOU DO

YOU'RE ALL RIGHT

WHENEVER I'M ASKED WHO MAKES MY DREAMS REAL

I TELL THEM YOU DO

YOU'RE OUTTA SIGHT

I'M BRINGIN' YOU A LOVE THAT'S TRUE

SO GET READY

GET READY

I'M GONNA TRY TO MAKE YOU LOVE ME, TOO

SO GET READY

GET READY

HERE I COME

GET READY 'CAUSE HERE I COME... ♪♪

LLOYD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE RUNNING

AT AN INCREDIBLE RATE, HARRY.

WOULD YOU QUIT IT? WE'RE NOT EVEN THROUGH CONNECTICUT YET,

AND ALREADY YOU'RE ANNOYING ME.

SORRY.

JEEZ.

WE'RE REALLY DOING IT, THOUGH, AREN'T WE, BUDDY?

YEAH.

HEY, WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE?

I BOUGHT THEM WHEN WE FILLED UP.

WELL, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO TALK

ABOUT ALL EXPENDITURES, LLOYD.

WE'RE ON A VERY TIGHT BUDGET.

THIS DIDN'T COME OUT OF OUR TRAVEL FUND.

OH.

NO. I WAS ABLE TO RAISE 25 EXTRA BUCKS

BEFORE WE LEFT.

WHERE DID YOU GET 25 EXTRA BUCKS?

I SOLD SOME STUFF TO BILLY IN 4-C.

THE BLIND KID?

YEAH! HA HA!

YEAH.

WHAT DID YOU SELL HIM, LLOYD?

STUFF.

WHAT KIND OF STUFF?

I DON'T KNOW.

A FEW BASEBALL CARDS, A SACK OF MARBLES...

[COUGHS] PETEY.

PETEY?

YOU SOLD MY DEAD BIRD TO A BLIND KID?

LLOYD, THAT--THAT-- WHAT ARE YOU--

PETEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A HEAD.

HARRY, I TOOK CARE OF IT.

PRETTY BIRD.

YEAH. CAN YOU SAY, "PRETTY BIRD"?

PRETTY BIRD.

YES. PRETTY BIRD.

PRETTY BIRD.

POLLY WANT A CRACKER?

THOSE RAT BASTARDS.

THEY'RE RUBBING IT RIGHT IN OUR FACES.

MAN, ANDRE WILL HAVE A GODDAMN HEMORRHAGE

IF WE DON'T GET THAT BRIEFCASE BACK.

THEY MUST HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING US FOR WEEKS.

WHY YOU SAY?

"GAS MAN."

HOW THE HELL DO THEY KNOW THAT I GOT GAS?

THEY GOT TO BE PROS.

DON'T WORRY. WE'RE GOING TO GET THAT MONEY BACK.

AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

THEY AIN'T NEVER GETTING TO ASPEN.

I'M GOING TO SEE TO THAT.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[LLOYD] THEY GOT THE MONKEES.

THEY WERE A MAJOR INFLUENCE ON THE BEATLES.

YEAH, I KNOW.

EXCUSE ME. FLO?

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

I...

FLO, LIKE THE TV SHOW.

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

UH...

WHAT IS THE SOUP DU JOUR?

IT'S THE SOUP OF THE DAY.

MMM.

THAT SOUNDS GOOD. I'LL HAVE THAT.

FEELS GOOD TO MINGLE

WITH THESE LAID-BACK COUNTRY FOLK,

DON'T IT, HARRY?

I LIKE IT A LOT.

UH-OH.

WHAT? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

[BLOWS]

YOU SPILLED THE SALT.

THAT'S WHAT'S THE MATTER.

SPILLING THE SALT IS VERY BAD LUCK.

WE'RE DRIVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

THE LAST THING WE NEED IS BAD LUCK.

QUICK.

TOSS SOME SALT OVER YOUR RIGHT SHOULDER.

[MAN] WHAT THE HELL?

UH-OH.

[MUSIC GRINDS TO A HALT]

ALL RIGHT. WHO'S THE DEAD MAN

THAT HIT ME WITH THE SALT SHAKER?

[HUMMING]

[HARRY] UH...UH...

IT WAS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE, SIR.

PLEASE. BELIEVE ME. I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING

TO OFFEND A MAN OF YOUR SIZE.

KICK HIS ASS, SEA BASS!

[MAN] GO AHEAD, SEA BASS.

YOU GOING TO EAT THAT?

WHAT? THAT? NO. YES. NO.

WELL...NO. IT CROSSED MY MIND.

YEAH.

[SNORTS]

[HACKS]

[SPITS]

YOU REALLY WIMPED OUT, MAN.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, WIMPED OUT?

WELL--WELL-- DID YOU--

THE GUY HAWKED ON MY BURGER.

HEY, WAIT A SECOND.

I THINK I JUST...

YEAH.

I JUST HAD AN IDEA.

FOLLOW ME.

WHEW.

[LLOYD] EXCUSE ME. GUYS?

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

UH...I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THAT, UH... UNPLEASANT SCENE

A LITTLE EARLIER.

MY FRIEND HARRY AND I

WOULD, UH...

LIKE TO BUY YOU GUYS A...

ROUND OF BEERS...

JUST TO BURY THE HATCHET.

MAKE IT FOUR BOILERMAKERS.

WHATEVER YOU WANT, SIR.

I'LL HAVE THE WAITRESS

BRING IT OVER IMMEDIATELY.

Wait. What are you doing?

WE CAN'T AFFORD TO BUY THEM DRINKS.

[LLOYD] UM...EXCUSE ME.

SEA BASS AND THE FELLAS OFFERED TO PICK UP OUR CHECK.

THEY SAID JUST PUT IT ON THEIR TAB.

THEY'RE VERY NICE.

SEA BASS SAID THAT?

WELL, IF, UH...

THAT GUY AT THE TABLE OVER THERE IS SEA BASS.

AH!

UH!

ALL RIGHT. IF THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS.

PUT THESE ON THERE, TOO. O.K.?

YOU GOT IT.

I'M GOING TO KILL THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!

[LAUGHING]

THAT WAS GENIUS, LLOYD.

SHEER GENIUS!

I MEAN, WHERE DID YOU COME UP WITH A SCAM LIKE THAT?

SAW IT IN A MOVIE ONCE.

THAT WAS INCREDIBLE!

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

SO THE GUY TRICKS SOME SUCKER

INTO PICKING UP HIS TAB,

THEN GETS AWAY WITH IT SCOT-FREE?

NO. IN THE MOVIE,

THEY CATCH UP TO HIM HALF-MILE DOWN THE ROAD

AND SLIT HIS THROAT.

HA HA HA! IT WAS A GOOD ONE!

HA HA HA!

WOW.

MMM...

HARRY?

WHAT?

I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE BEST TIME,

BUT WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE TO PULL OVER,

I GOT TO PEE.

WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?

I'M NOT PULLING OVER NOW.

BUT I GOT TO GO! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

WELL, WHIZ IN ONE OF THE EMPTY BEER BOTTLES

IN THE BACK.

THEY'RE ON THE FLOOR.

JUST GET ONE OF-- JEEZ, LLOYD!

QUIT MOVING AROUND!

HUH! WHAT?

SHIT!

[UNZIPS PANTS]

WATCH THE SEAT! WATCH THE SEAT!

O.K.!

ALL RIGHT!

[URINATING]

AHH...

AHH...

UH-OH.

WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG?

THE BOTTLE'S ALMOST FULL,

AND I'M STILL GOING.

SO STOP GOING.

I CAN'T STOP GOING ONCE I'VE STARTED.

IT STINGS.

QUICK! GET ME ANOTHER BOTTLE.

WHAT?

COME ON. HURRY, HURRY, HURRY, HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!

COME ON! COME ON!

O.K, O.K. HERE, HERE, HERE. HOLD IT!

AHH...

HOLD THAT.

JEEZ.

HOLD THAT ONE.

HURRY. I'M PINCHING IT.

WHAT ARE YOU-- A CAMEL?

OHH...

[SIREN]

PULL OVER!

HUH?

PULL OVER!

NO. IT'S A CARDIGAN, BUT THANKS FOR NOTICING.

YEAH.

KILLER BOOTS, MAN!

PULL YOUR VEHICLE TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!

LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE.

YOU FELLAS WERE GOING A LITTLE FAST BACK THERE,

WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

YOU, UH...

YOU FELLAS BEEN DOING A BIT OF BOOZING, HAVE YOU?

SUCKING BACK ON GRANDPA'S OLD COUGH MEDICINE?

NO. OH, NO, SIR.

NO, NO, NO. NO. UH-UH.

YEAH. WELL, WHAT'S THAT?

THAT'S NOTHING, SIR.

YEAH. NOTHING.

YEAH. WELL, YOU AWARE THAT

IT'S AGAINST THE LAW TO HAVE AN OPEN ALCOHOL CONTAINER

HERE IN THE STATE OF PENNSYLVANIA?

COME ON. GIVE ME THAT BOOZE,

YOU LITTLE PUMPKIN-PIE- HAIR-CUTTED FREAK!

COME ON!

SIR, NO. I--I--

NO, SIR, DON'T. DON'T DRINK--

YOU'D KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT

IF YOU KNEW WHAT WAS GOOD FOR YOU, BUDDY.

[HARRY] TIC TAC, SIR?

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

[COUGHS]

HOW COULD THEY NOT HAVE GOTTEN THE RANSOM?

IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

I LEFT THE MONEY EXACTLY WHERE THEY INSTRUCTED ME TO.

OH, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE, MARY.

WE SHOULD HAVE CALLED THE AUTHORITIES

THE MINUTE WE KNEW THAT BOBBY WAS KIDNAPPED.

NOW, HELEN, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY.

MR. ANDRE.

NICHOLAS.

KARL.

NICK, NICK, NICK.

ANY WORD YET, SIR?

NO. NOTHING YET, NICHOLAS.

[SIGHS]

I'VE BEEN GIVING THIS A LOT OF THOUGHT.

MAYBE WE SHOULD CANCEL

THE PRESERVATION BENEFIT THIS WEEKEND.

IT WOULD BE SO EASY TO RESCHEDULE IT.

NO. I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD DO ANYTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY.

YEAH, SHE'S RIGHT.

IT'S IMPERATIVE THAT WE CARRY ON AS USUAL,

ESPECIALLY YOU, MARY.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO,

JUST GO ABOUT MY LIFE LIKE EVERYTHING IS FINE?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

YES. GO SKIING. GO TO PARTIES.

ACT NORMALLY, YOU KNOW.

YEAH. DON'T YOU SEE, HONEY?

WE CAN'T LET ON THAT ANYTHING'S WRONG.

IF THE PRESS OR THE AUTHORITIES GET WIND OF THIS,

THE KIDNAPPERS MAY PANIC.

HMM. I MEAN, YOU NEVER KNOW

WHAT THEY MIGHT DO TO HIM THEN.

[SNORING]

I SAW HER SITTING IN THE RAIN

RAINDROPS FALLING ON HER

SHE DIDN'T SEEM TO CARE

SHE SAT THERE AND SMILED AT ME

THEN I KNEW

I KNEW, I KNEW, I KNEW, I KNEW

SHE COULD MAKE ME HAPPY

HAPPY, HAPPY

SHE COULD MAKE ME VERY HAPPY

FLOWERS IN HER HAIR

FLOWERS EVERYWHERE

I LOVE THE FLOWER GIRL

OH, I DON'T KNOW JUST WHY

SHE SIMPLY CAUGHT MY EYE

I LOVE THE FLOWER GIRL... ♪

SO HE SAYS, "DO YOU LOVE ME?"

AND SHE SAYS, "NO, BUT THAT'S A REAL NICE SKI MASK."

HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

HEY, MAN. WHAT'S THAT?

OH!

[FARTS]

I KNEW I HAD TO SAY HELLO

HELLO, HELLO

SHE SMILED UP AT ME

AND SHE TOOK MY HAND

AND WE WALKED THROUGH THE PARK ALONE

AND I KNEW

I KNEW, I KNEW, I KNEW, I KNEW

SHE HAD MADE ME HAPPY

WOOOO!

HAPPY, HAPPY

SHE HAD MADE ME VERY HAPPY

FLOWERS IN HER HAIR... ♪

[CRACK]

AHH!

YAH!

UGH! KO! KO! KO! KO!

HA!

AAH! GRR!

[CRUNCH]

YAH!

WEEAH!

WAH!

AAH! UH!

OIIEEEWAH!

WIIEEE!

AHYAYAYA!

IYIYIYIYI!

EEOOH!

YAYAYAYA!

[SNORTS]

OOH!

EEEOOH!

YAH!

HOOHOOHOOHOO!

YAH!

YAH! YAH! YAH!

YAH! WOO! YAH!

WAAAH!

OOOOOH ♪♪

AHH...

EH?

AAH!

AAH!

[HEART BEATING]

SUDDENLY THE SUN BROKE THROUGH

SEE THE SUN

I TURNED AROUND, SHE WAS GONE

WHERE DID SHE GO? ♪

[GROANING]

UH...

[GRUNTING]

OH! OH!

[GROANING]

FLOWERS IN HER HAIR

FLOWERS EVERYWHERE

I LOVE THE FLOWER GIRL

WAS SHE REALITY

OR JUST A DREAM TO ME? ♪

I LOVE THE FLOWER GIRL

HER LOVE SHOWED ME THE WAY... ♪♪

[HORN HONKS]

OH!

UH! UH!

YOU WANT ME TO DRIVE?

NO. I'M COOL.

[HARRY] I DON'T KNOW, LLOYD.

THESE PLACES DON'T REALLY DO IT FOR ME.

THEY JUST BRING BACK A LOT OF MEMORIES.

WHAT HAPPENED, HARRY?

SOME LITTLE FILLY BREAK YOUR HEART?

NO. IT WAS A GIRL.

OH.

FRAIDA FELCHER.

YEAH. WE STAYED IN A PLACE JUST LIKE THIS.

WASN'T THIS CLASSY, BUT, YOU KNOW, NICE.

FELCHER?

FROM CRANSTON?

YEAH. YOU KNOW HER?

OH, YEAH!

I MEAN, I REMEMBER YOU...

TALKING ABOUT HER.

WE HAD THE MOST INCREDIBLY ROMANTIC TIME.

I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER,

AND THEN ABOUT A WEEK LATER,

RIGHT OUT OF THE BLUE,

SHE SENDS ME A JOHN DEERE LETTER.

SHE GIVE YOU ANY REASON?

YEAH. I CALLED HER UP.

SHE GAVE ME A BUNCH OF CRAP

ABOUT ME NOT LISTENING TO HER ENOUGH

OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW. I WASN'T REALLY PAYING ATTENTION.

BUT THE THING THAT HURT THE MOST

IS I THINK SHE WAS SEEING ANOTHER GUY.

NEVER DID FIND OUT WHO.

MR. ANDRE, GUESS WHO WE JUST HAPPENED UPON?

YEAH.

[MAN] I HAD PLANS.

YEAH.

THIS IS WHERE IT ALL ENDS--

AT A PHONE BOOTH.

YEAH. THE BOYS ARE HOLED UP

IN A LITTLE LOVE NEST FOR THE NIGHT.

I THINK THEY'RE A LITTLE BIT STRANGE.

WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS UP TO?

I MEAN, IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THEY COULD BE FEDS?

HIGHLY UNLIKELY FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN.

SIR, DID YOU EVER HEAR

OF THE CONCEPT OF OTHER PEOPLE?

UM... ME BEING THAT FOR THE PHONE,

SIR.

OH, YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON ME.

HO HO HO! HE GOT ME MAD.

I ALMOST LIKE IT.

YOU AND SHAY WERE SUPPOSED TO GRAB THAT BAG

SO WE COULD END THIS SHIT!

HERE'S YOUR DRINK, BABY.

WHAT I WOULD--

DO YOU KNOW THE DAMAGE

I COULD DO TO YOU?

HOLD ON A MINUTE.

HMM.

BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

GET OFF THE PHONE.

GET OFF THE PHO--

I'M SORRY, MR. ANDRE.

YOU WERE SAYING?

LOOK, MENTAL.

THESE JOKERS HAVE GOT A LOT OF MONEY,

AND IT BELONGS TO ME!

NOW, I WANT TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE

AND WHAT THEY'RE DOING WITH IT!

HEY, HEY, HEY.

I TOLD YOU ALREADY. I'M ON IT.

ALL RIGHT?

GOOD.

[BEEP]

[HARRY] ACCORDING TO THE MAP,

WE'VE ONLY GONE ABOUT 4 INCHES.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK

WE HAVE ENOUGH GAS MONEY.

RELAX. WE HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH.

I THINK YOU'RE WRONG, LLOYD.

HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BET?

I DON'T BET.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T BET?

I MEAN I DON'T BET. I DON'T GAMBLE.

PUSSY, PUSSY, PUSSY!

I NEVER HAVE, AND I NEVER WILL.

YEAH, RIGHT!

I'LL BET YOU 20 BUCKS

I CAN GET YOU GAMBLING BEFORE THE END OF THE DAY.

NO WAY.

I'LL GIVE YOU 3-TO-1 ODDS.

NOPE.

NOPE.

5-TO-1?

10-TO-1?

YOU'RE ON.

HA HA HA!

I'M GOING TO GET YOU.

UH-UH.

OH, YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT I'M GOING TO GET YOU.

NUH-UH.

YEAH. OH, YEAH.

COME ON, JOE. LET ME DO THEM.

LET ME DO BOTH OF THEM.

YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT.

JUST SHUT UP!

NOW, WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THE HELL THEY ARE.

YOU DON'T KILL PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW.

THAT'S A RULE.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO GET UP HERE,

LIE DOWN ON THE FRONT SEAT.

WHEN THEY PICK ME UP, YOU FOLLOW US.

YOU GOT THAT?

HEY, HEY, HEY. HERE THEY COME.

STAY DOWN! STAY DOWN!

SAY, UH, ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO DAVENPORT?

MY CAR DIED, AND I'M LATE FOR A LUNCHEON.

WE USUALLY DON'T PICK UP HITCHHIKERS,

BUT I'M GOING TO GO WITH MY INSTINCT ON THIS ONE.

SADDLE UP, PARTNER.

YOU'RE IT.

YOU'RE IT.

YOU'RE IT! QUITSIES!

ANTIQUITSIES. YOU'RE IT. QUITSIES.

NO ANTIQUITSIES. NO STARTSIES.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

CAN, TOO.

CANNOT. STAMPED IT.

CAN, TOO. DOUBLE STAMPED IT. NO ERASIES.

CANNOT. TRIPLE STAMPED IT. NO ERASIES.

TOUCH BLUE, MAKE IT TRUE.

YOU CAN'T TRIPLE STAMP A DOUBLE STAMP!

LA LA LA LA ♪♪

YOU CAN'T TRIPLE STAMP A DOUBLE STAMP!

LLOYD! LLOYD!

GUYS!

ENOUGH!

HEY, WANT TO HEAR THE MOST ANNOYING SOUND

IN THE WORLD?

EEEEEEH!

GUYS! GUYS! GUYS!

FELLAS...

YOU THINK WE COULD...

LISTEN TO THE RADIO OR SOMETHING?

RADIO? HA HA!

WHO NEEDS A RADIO? READY, HARRY?

MOCK

YEAH

ING

YEAH

BIRD

YEAH

YEAH

YEAH

MOCKINGBIRD

MOCKINGBIRD

EVERYBODY, HAVE YOU HEARD? ♪

HAVE YOU HEARD? ♪

SHE'S GONNA BUY ME A MOCKINGBIRD

BUY ME A MOCKINGBIRD

AND IF THAT MOCKINGBIRD DON'T SING

BIRD DON'T SING

SHE'S GONNA BUY ME A DIAMOND RING

BUY ME A DIAMOND RING

AND IF THAT DIAMOND RING DON'T SHINE

HEY, LLOYD. LOOK!

THERE'S SOME PEOPLE WHO WANT A RIDE, TOO.

PICK 'EM UP!

MOCK ♪ ♪ MOCK

SI ♪ ♪ SI

ING ♪ ♪ ING

SI ♪ ♪ SI

BIRD ♪ ♪ BIRD

SI ♪♪ ♪ SI ♪♪

[HARRY] YOU WANT AN ATOMIC PEPPER, MR. MENTALINO?

NAH.

YOU GUYS GO AHEAD.

I'LL DO IT IF YOU WILL, LLOYD.

O.K. YOU GO FIRST.

NO. UH-UH. NO. YOU GO FIRST.

NO. YOU GO FIRST.

NO. YOU GO FIRST.

NO. YOU GO FIRST.

I ALWAYS GO FIRST!

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS

BOTH STOP ACTING LIKE A COUPLE OF PUSSIES

AND GO AT THE SAME TIME, HUH?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DARE, HARRY.

IT'S A DOUBLE DARE.

YEAH, O.K. YOU'RE ON.

MMM!

HUH...

IT'S NOT SO BAD.

UH-HUH.

YEAH. IT'S MORE TINGLY THAN HOT.

YEAH.

[COUGHS]

AH!

[SCREAMING AND GAGGING]

AH, IF YOU FELLAS WOULD EXCUSE ME,

I GOT TO USE THE PHONE.

ENJOY YOUR MEAL, GUYS.

UH! UH!

HERE, LLOYD. THIS HELPS!

HERE, HERE.

IT-- IT WORKS GOOD.

UH!

YEAH, IT'S MENTAL.

I'M JUST SITTING DOWN

TO A NICE MEAL WITH OUR BOYS.

WELL, HOW NICE FOR YOU.

DON'T FORGET THAT YOUR BREAD PLATE IS ON THE LEFT!

LOOK, I CAN'T HAVE THESE GUYS

RUNNING AROUND ASPEN.

DON'T WORRY.

THEY AIN'T GONNA BE RUNNIN' AROUND NOWHERE

AFTER I DUMP A LITTLE RAT POISON

IN THEIR SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

GOOD, GOOD.

O.K. THAT'S GOOD.

HERE HE COMES.

HERE HE COMES.

FEELING BETTER, GIRLS?

YES. MUCH BETTER. THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

AHH...

SO WHY ARE YOU GOING TO ASPEN? VACATION?

WHY DON'T YOU EAT UP, AND WE'LL TELL YOU?

[STIFLED LAUGHTER]

IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM LIKE YOU PACKED MUCH.

ALL I SAW WAS ONE BAG AND A BRIEFCASE.

WELL, NO, NO. THE BRIEFCASE ISN'T EVEN OURS.

SOME LADY LEFT IT AT THE AIRPORT.

WE'RE JUST BRINGING IT BACK TO HER.

HOW'S YOUR BURGER?

YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER?

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

I MEAN--HA HA!

TALK ABOUT BEING IN THE WRONG PLACE

AT THE WRONG TIME.

[GREEN JELLY SINGS THE BEAR SONG]

UGH!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

ARE YOU O.K., MAN? IT WAS JUST A GOOF.

OH, MY ULCER!

QUICK!

MY PILLS!

[WAITRESS] MAYBE SOMEBODY SHOULD CALL AN AMBULANCE.

LOOK. UH, YOU GET THE PILLS.

DON'T WORRY. I KNOW CPR.

I'LL GET THE PILLS.

OUT WITH THE BAD AIR, IN WITH THE GOOD.

OUT WITH THE BAD AIR.

UGH!

AH, DON'T!

DON'T, DON'T!

BACK, BACK!

THIS IS A LOT EASIER IF YOU JUST LAY BACK.

HERE.

HE'S RESISTING ME!

HERE.

HERE YOU GO.

[LLOYD] PILLS!

THERE YOU GO!

PILLS ARE GOOD!

PILLS ARE GOOD!

DRINK 'EM DOWN.

THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO, BIG GUY.

YOU WANT SOME KETCHUP AND MUSTARD?

THAT HELPED US.

SON OF A BITCH!

[GURGLING]

CHECK, PLEASE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

LIFE'S A FRAGILE THING, HAR.

ONE MINUTE, YOU'RE CHEWING ON A BURGER.

THE NEXT MINUTE, YOU'RE DEAD MEAT.

BUT HE BLAMED ME.

YOU HEARD HIM.

THOSE WERE HIS LAST WORDS.

NOT IF YOU COUNT THE GURGLING SOUND.

YOU MEAN HE WAS POISONED?

NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

WE FOUND THESE NEXT TO THE BODY.

SIR.

HUH?

WAITRESS SAYS HE CAME IN

WITH A COUPLE OF YOUNGER GUYS.

NOW, THEY'RE THE ONES WHO CALLED THE AMBULANCE,

AND THEN THEY HIT THE ROAD.

ANY IDEA WHERE THEY WERE GOING?

WE JUST RECEIVED A REPORT

THAT THEY WERE SEEN HEADED WEST

ON I-80 TOWARDS COLORADO.

DID YOU GET A MAKE ON THE VEHICLE?

UH, YES, SIR.

THEY'RE DRIVING AN '84...

SHEEPDOG.

[TIRES SCREECH]

TAKE

TAKE A PICTURE

TAKE

A LITTLE TIME

NO NEED TO DIG THROUGH THE DUMPSTER

FOR ALL THE STUFF YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU'D LEFT BEHIND

TAKE MY CAR

DRIVE IT TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD

TAKE IT FAR

FARTHER NOW FROM ME

TAKE IT ALL

HAPPY, GIRL, THE FACT IS

TAKE MY HEART

TAKE, TAKE, TAKE ME APART ♪♪

SKIS, HUH?

THAT'S RIGHT.

GREAT.

THEY YOURS?

UH-HUH.

BOTH OF THEM?

YEAH.

OH...

COOL.

UM, EXCUSE ME, BUT YOU'RE, UH...

YOU'RE SPRAYING EVERYWHERE.

OH!

[WHISTLING AND URINATING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[ZIPS PANTS]

[CLICK]

[BANGING]

AAH!

THAT'S A LOT OF LUGGAGE

FOR A LITTLE VACATION.

I'M MOVING TO ASPEN.

OH.

I'VE GOT TO GET AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND.

HE'S SUCH A KLUTZ.

PLUS, MY ASTROLOGER TOLD ME

THAT I REALLY SHOULD STAY AWAY

FROM ACCIDENT-PRONE GUYS, SO, YOU KNOW.

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW. I--

HERE. IT'S A LITTLE LOOSE.

MIGHT WANT TO--

HMM. THANK YOU.

OH, NO. HEY, NO. ALLOW ME.

I'VE GOT A THING OF...

HERE. GOT THEM RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE.

[GASOLINE IGNITES]

THANK YOU.

SURE. YOU KNOW, I'M HEADING UP TO ASPEN MYSELF.

MAYBE WE COULD, YOU KNOW, MEET UP,

HAVE SOME HOT CHOCOLATE OR SOMETHING.

SURE. WHY NOT? YOU SEEM HARMLESS.

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU MY NUMBER.

LET ME FIND A PEN, THOUGH.

AH!

I KNOW I HAVE ONE IN HERE SOMEWHERE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL IT TO ME?

I GOT A REALLY GOOD MEMORY.

WELL, THE NUMBER'S 555...

555...

905--WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S MY OLD NUMBER.

THAT IS SO WEIRD, HOW YOUR MIND JUST GOES BLANK.

FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN NUMBER!

O.K., LOOK, UH, YOU GOING TO GET PUSHY,

FORGET ABOUT IT.

UH!

FIND A HAPPY PLACE.

FIND A HAPPY PLACE.

EERRAH!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

HMM?

[POLICE RADIO] 7091459 NOW.

[MAN] MOVE THOSE CARS! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!

ALL RIGHT. ANY SIGN OF THEM YET?

NO, SIR, BUT WE'RE EXPECTING THEM SHORTLY.

A MOTORIST SAW A POOCH ABOUT 30 MILES BACK

HEADED THIS WAY.

LOOK, I TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPENED, O.K.?

SO JUST DROP IT.

YEAH. O.K. SURE THING, LLOYD.

HEY, LOOK. WE'RE ALMOST IN COLORADO.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE CHANGE SEATS?

I'VE BEEN DRIVING FOR NINE STRAIGHT HOURS.

I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO START A NEW STATE.

HEY, GUYS!

OH, BIG GULPS, HUH? ALL RIGHT.

WELL, SEE YOU LATER.

[SNORING]

HEY, HARRY. I GOT SOME BEEF JERK--

SOME PEOPLE JUST WEREN'T CUT OUT

FOR LIFE ON THE ROAD.

HERE YOU GO, WAY TOO FAST

DON'T SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE GONNA CRASH

YOU SHOULD WATCH

WATCH YOUR STEP

DON'T LOOK OUT, GONNA BREAK YOUR NECK

SO SHUT, SHUT YOUR MOUTH

♪ 'CAUSE I'M NOT LISTENIN' ANYHOW

I HAD ENOUGH, ENOUGH OF YOU

ENOUGH TO LAST A LIFETIME THROUGH WITH YOU... ♪♪

HEY!

I WAS WONDERING

WHEN YOU WERE GOING TO GET UP.

HAH!

WELL, HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN OUT?

I'D SAY A GOOD FIVE HOURS.

HUH! I EXPECTED THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS

TO BE A LITTLE ROCKIER THAN THIS.

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING.

THAT JOHN DENVER'S FULL OF SHIT, MAN.

I'M ONLY HUMAN, HARRY!

ANYBODY CAN MAKE A MISTAKE.

COME ON!

STOP BEING A BABY!

SO WE BACKTRACKED A TAD!

A TAD?

A TAD, LLOYD?

YOU DROVE ALMOST 1/6 OF THE WAY

ACROSS THE COUNTRY

IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!

NOW WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY

TO GET TO ASPEN!

WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY

TO GET HOME!

WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO EAT!

WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO SLEEP!

WELL, IT'S NOT GOING TO DO US ANY GOOD

TO SIT HERE WHINING ABOUT IT.

WE'RE IN A HOLE.

WE'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DIG OURSELVES OUT.

O.K. YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, LLOYD.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

HOME. I'M WALKING HOME.

OH!

WELL, PARDON ME, MR. PERFECT!

I GUESS I FORGOT

THAT YOU NEVER, EVER MAKE A MISTAKE!

[CRASH TEST DUMMIES SINGING MMM MMM MMM MMM]

HARRY!

HARRY!

HARRY!

HARRY! WAIT UP!

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

HARRY!

[RING RING]

GOT ROOM FOR ONE MORE

IF YOU STILL WANT TO GO TO ASPEN.

WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?

SOME KID BACK IN TOWN.

TRADED THE VAN FOR IT, STRAIGHT UP.

I CAN GET 70 MILES TO THE GALLON

ON THIS HOG.

YOU KNOW, LLOYD, JUST WHEN I THINK

YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE ANY DUMBER,

YOU GO AND DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS...

AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!

HA HA!

STILL WANT TO GO TO ASPEN?

OH, YEAH!

O.K., LET'S GO, BUDDY!

SUPER!

[RING RING]

LLOYD, NO! WEST! GO WEST, LLOYD!

WEST! OH, YEAH.

HEY, MONDAY MORNING

IS ONLY FOR THE BRAVE

AND THE BLOOD FLOWS

THROUGH MY HEART AND VEINS

LIKE SAND AS I SHAVE

IN THE WIND OUTSIDE

AND THE TAXI'S REVVING

[HORN HONKS]

♪ ...FROM MY DESK LAMP, IS WHERE I FIND MY HEAVEN

IT'S WHERE I FIND MY HEAVEN

I GOT TO-- I GOT TO STOP

TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

JUST GO, MAN.

OH!

THAT SURE IS WARM.

IT'S WHERE I FIND MY HEAVEN

IT'S WHERE I FIND MY HEAVEN

WHERE I FIND MY

IT'S WHERE I FIND MY HEAVEN

[TRUCK HORN HONKS]

HEAV... ♪

HEAVEN ♪♪

EHHH...

EHHH!

WE'RE THERE.

GOT A LITTLE NIPPY

GOING THROUGH THE PASS BACK THERE.

[LLOYD] ISN'T THIS INCREDIBLE?

WHAT MORE COULD TWO SINGLE GUYS ASK FOR?

HOW ABOUT SOME FOOD?

I SWALLOWED A BIG JUNE BUG.

I'M NOT REALLY HUNGRY.

WELL, I'M STARVING.

HO--JEEZ, LOOK AT THE BUTT ON THAT.

YEAH.

HE MUST WORK OUT.

HEY!

WHY DON'T WE DELIVER THE BRIEFCASE TO MARY?

IF I KNOW HER,

SHE'LL INVITE US RIGHT IN

FOR TEA AND STRUMPETS.

GOOD PLAN. WHERE DOES SHE LIVE?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S HER LAST NAME? I'LL LOOK IT UP.

UHH...

YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY RECALL.

STARTS WITH AN "S."

S-SWIM, SWAMIE, S-SLIPPY, SLAPPY,

SLIMIN, SOLMON, SIMIN, SAL,

SWENSON, SWANSON?

MAYBE IT'S ON THE BRIEFCASE.

OH, YEAH! IT'S RIGHT HERE.

"SAMSONITE"! I WAS WAY OFF.

I KNEW IT STARTED WITH AN "S" THOUGH.

I'M NOT SEEING IT HERE, LLOYD.

SHE MUST BE UNLISTED.

GREAT. SO WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

I CAN'T FEEL MY FI- FINGERS ANYMORE, LLOYD.

THEY'RE--THEY'RE-- THEY'RE NUMB.

OOH. MAYBE YOU SHOULD WEAR

THESE EXTRA GLOVES.

MY HANDS ARE STARTING

TO GET SWEATY.

EXTRA GLOVES?

YOU'VE HAD THIS PAIR OF EXTRA GLOVES

THIS WHOLE TIME?

YEAH. WE'RE IN THE ROCKIES.

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

WHAT?

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, LLOYD!

CALM DOWN!

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

YOU GOT THAT CRAZY LOOK IN YOUR EYE!

HA!

HA HA HA!

I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING

I SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME AGO.

DON'T DO ANYTHING FOOLISH, HARRY!

WHAT? FOOLISH? THIS ISN'T FOOLISH!

I'M GOING TO TOSS THIS DAMN CURSE

RIGHT INTO THAT DAMN POND!

AAH!

I'M GOING TO DO IT!

NO, HARRY!

AAH!

HARRY!

YOUR HANDS ARE FREEZING!

AAH!

UGH!

HARRY!

LOOK!

LOOK!

LOOK!

O.K. HERE'S THE PLAN.

WE BORROW A FEW BUCKS FROM THE BRIEFCASE.

THEN WE FIND OURSELVES SOME REASONABLE LODGINGS.

AND WE'LL KEEP TRACK

OF THE MONEY WE SPEND WITH IOUs.

WE'LL BE METICULOUS, DOWN TO THE PENNY.

WHATEVER WE BORROW, WE PAY BACK.

WE'RE GOOD FOR IT.

OUR WORD IS OUR BOND.

THIS IS THE HOTEL DANBURY

PRESIDENTIAL SUITE, GENTLEMEN,

NORMALLY RESERVED FOR ROYALTY,

VISITING DIGNITARIES,

ILLUSTRIOUS STARS OF STAGE AND SCREEN.

WE HAVE SHORTLY COMING

THE EMPEROR AND EMPRESS OF JAPAN,

AND OF COURSE,

PRINCESS CHARLES AND DI

WHEN THEY WERE TOGETHER

USED TO FREQUENT THE HOTEL CONSTANTLY.

WE'LL TAKE IT!

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, BABY

SINCE YOU CAME ALONG

YOU SEXY THING

SEXY THING, YOU

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, BABY

SINCE YOU CAME ALONG

YOU SEXY THING

YOU SEXY THING, YOU... ♪♪

THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU, SIR.

THERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU, SIR.

THERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU, SIR.

THERE YOU GO.

HI.

[SOBBING]

[NARRATOR ON TELEVISION] RAIN BROUGHT THEM TO HIM.

[GIRL] MY MOTHER WAS SARAH CARVER.

ALTHOUGH AT THE TIME, HE WASN'T SURE

HE WANTED TO ACCEPT THE GIFT.

[GIRL] DO YOU THINK HE'LL LET US STAY?

NO. THIS PLACE IS UGLY, ANYWAY.

YOU AND ME, WE'RE A FAMILY.

[MAN] I PROMISE NEVER TO TAKE YOU AWAY.

AND NO ONE'S EVER GOING TO BREAK US APART.

AT PACIFIC BELL, WE BELIEVE THAT'S PRETTY SPECIAL.

WHEW! BOY! THIS IS LIVIN', HUH?

YEAH.

WHAT'S ON NEXT?

I DON'T KNOW. LET ME LOOK IT UP.

AHH!

LLOYD, YOU O.K.?

HARRY, IT'S MARY!

IT'S WHO?

MARY WITH THE BRIEFCASE.

MARY SWANSON.

SWANSON!

"WILL HAWST A NEWL..."

HOST ANNUAL...

"HOST ANEWL..."

ANNUAL.

"ANNUAL MEETING OF...

T-T-T...HE... T...HE..."

THE.

OH. "THE INTER--"

[SIGHS]

IT'S A BIG ONE.

"INTERNATIONAL PRESERVATION SOCIETY TOMORROW NIGHT."

WELL, COME ON, CINDERELLA.

WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU READY FOR THE BALL!

PRETTY WOMAN, WALKING DOWN THE STREET

PRETTY WOMAN, THE KIND I LIKE TO MEET

PRETTY WOMAN

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, YOU'RE NOT THE TRUTH

NO ONE COULD LOOK AS GOOD AS YOU

MERCY!

PRETTY WOMAN, WON'T YOU PARDON ME? ♪

PRETTY WOMAN, I COULDN'T HELP BUT SEE

PRETTY WOMAN

THAT YOU LOOK LOVELY AS CAN BE

ARE YOU LONELY JUST LIKE ME? ♪

GRRRR!

PRETTY WOMAN, STOP AWHILE

PRETTY WOMAN, TALK AWHILE

PRETTY WOMAN, GIVE YOUR SMILE TO ME

PRETTY WOMAN, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

PRETTY WOMAN, LOOK MY WAY

PRETTY WOMAN, SAY YOU'LL STAY WITH ME

♪ 'CAUSE I NEED YOU

I'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT

COME WITH ME, BABY

BE MINE TONIGHT... ♪

YEAH!

PRETTY WOMAN ♪♪

THANKS, BARN. THERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU, SIR.

O.K., O.K., O.K.!

CRIPES!

YES! YES! YES!

AAH!

TIME OUT!

O.K.

EXCUSE ME.

GENTLEMEN, THIS IS A $500-A-PLATE DINNER.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH! 500. OH, O.K.

HERE. PUT US DOWN FOR...

PUT US DOWN FOR FOUR.

IN CASE WE WANT SECONDS.

[INHALES]

JESUS CHRIST. IT'S THEM.

THEM WHO?

THEM. THE GUYS WHO WHACKED MENTAL.

CAN'T YOU FEEL IT, HARRY?

THIS IS OUR BIG CHANCE, MAN.

ALL WE GOT TO DO

IS SHOW A LITTLE CLASS, A LITTLE SOPHISTICATION,

AND WE'RE IN LIKE A DIRTY SHIRT.

WE CAN BE CLASSY AND SOPHISTIC--

LOOK AT THE FUNBAGS ON THAT HOSEHOUND.

I'D LIKE TO EAT HER LIVER

WITH FAVA BEANS AND A BOTTLE OF CHIANTI.

COME ON.

LET'S GO GET A COUPLE BOWLS

OF LOUDMOUTH SOUP.

HEY, BARTENDER.

TWO MARTINIS, PLEASE.

YES, SIR. RIGHT AWAY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

THE ASPEN PRESERVATION SOCIETY

IS THE WORLD'S FOREMOST DEFENDER

OF 23 ENDANGERED SPECIES,

AND IT IS WITH TREMENDOUS HONOR

THAT WE'RE ABLE TO BRING MR. SWANSON FORWARD

TO INTRODUCE US TO THE 24th, EVERYBODY.

KARL.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I GIVE YOU THE ICELANDIC SNOW OWL.

[DRUM ROLL]

[CYMBALS CRASH]

[APPLAUSE]

THESE MAGNIFICENT SPECIMENS

CONSTITUTE 1/7 OF THE SNOW OWL POPULATION

LEFT ON THE PLANET.

AND GOD WILLING, WITH YOUR HELP

AND THAT OF THE SOCIETY'S,

THESE WONDERFUL CREATURES

WILL FLOURISH ONCE MORE.

THANK YOU AGAIN

AND ENJOY YOUR EVENING.

CAN I HAVE SOME PISTACHIOS, PLEASE?

AND ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE.

LLOYD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WOULD YOU CALM DOWN?

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO NERVOUS.

KEEP AN EYE ON THEM, SHAY.

KEEP A CLOSE EYE.

I'M READY FOR A COMMITMENT, HARRY.

THE FIRST TIME I SET EYES ON MARY SWANSON,

I JUST GOT

THAT OLD-FASHIONED, ROMANTIC FEELING,

WHERE I'D DO ANYTHING TO BONE HER.

THAT'S A SPECIAL FEELING, LLOYD.

YEAH.

YEAH.

OH, MY. THERE SHE IS.

WOW! YOU WEREN'T KIDDING, LLOYD.

SHE'S AN ANGEL!

[WHISTLES]

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

GET OVER THERE AND TALK TO HER.

SHE'S GOING TO THINK I'M SOME PSYCHO

WHEN SHE FINDS OUT HOW FAR I CAME

JUST TO SEE HER!

YOU HAVE HER BRIEFCASE!

SHE'S GOING TO BE THRILLED TO SEE YOU.

WAIT.

I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF?

THAT WAY, YOU CAN BUILD ME UP

SO I WON'T HAVE TO BRAG ABOUT MYSELF LATER.

TELL HER I'M RICH

AND, UH, I'M GOOD-LOOKING

AND, UH, I HAVE A RAPIST WIT.

NO, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T THINK I COULD--

COME ON. PLEASE.

I'M NOT--

PLEASE! PLEASE!

O.K. O.K. STOP.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

I'M GOING TO HANG BY THE BAR,

PUT OUT THE VIBE.

O.K.

NICE SET OF HOOTERS YOU GOT THERE.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

THE OWLS-- THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

OH.

YEAH.

ARE YOU A BIRD LOVER?

ME? OH, NO.

WELL, I USED TO HAVE A PARAKEET,

BUT NOW MY MAIN AREA OF EXPERTISE

IS, UH, CANINES--

DOGS TO THE LAYPERSON.

THANKS.

I LOVE DOGS, TOO.

OH.

SO HOW ARE YOU INVOLVED WITH THEM?

YOU KNOW, I'VE TRAINED THEM,

BATHED THEM, CLIPPED THEM.

I'VE EVEN BRED THEM.

OH, REALLY? ANY UNUSUAL BREEDING?

NO. MOSTLY JUST DOGGY-STYLE.

ONE TIME, WE SUCCESSFULLY MATED

A BULLDOG WITH A SHIH TZU.

REALLY?

THAT'S WEIRD.

YEAH. WE-- WE CALLED IT A BULLSHIT.

OH!

ANYWAY, THE REAL REASON

I CAME OVER HERE

WAS TO--I GOT TO INTRODUCE YOU

TO A BUDDY OF MINE.

MARY, I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE MET YOUR FRIEND.

OH, WELL, ACTUALLY,

WE HAVEN'T BEEN PROPERLY INTRODUCED.

MY NAME IS MARY SWANSON.

HI. HARRY DUNNE.

THIS IS MY STEPMOTHER HELEN.

HI. HARRY DUNNE.

PLEASURE TO MEET YOU BOTH.

MM-HMM. WELL, I SAW YOU COME IN.

I WAS HOPING I'D GET A CHANCE TO MEET YOU.

YOU WERE? REALLY?

YES! THAT TUXEDO IS FABULOUS!

REALLY. I LOVE A MAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR,

AND SO DOES MARY. IT'S HYSTERICAL!

REALLY?

OH, YES.

OH. ANYWAY, UM, ABOUT MY FRIEND--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW?

MARY IS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO HIT THE SLOPES WITH.

SHE--WHAT? HUH?

HELEN, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

WELL, YOU ARE.

AFTER ALL, THE SNOW'S GOING TO BE GONE

IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

POOR THING, SHE NEVER GETS A CHANCE TO GET OUT.

WELL, MR. DUNNE, ARE YOU AVAILABLE?

I DON'T KNOW. MY FRIEND--

FORGET YOUR FRIEND FOR ONE DAY.

YOU'LL HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, THE THING--

SURE. WHAT TIME?

AHEM.

HOW COME YOU DIDN'T BRING HER OVER?

RELAX. YOU'RE GOLDEN.

I GOT YOU A DATE WITH HER TOMORROW.

OH...

WHAT...

I...

I LOVE YOU, MAN.

O.K., O.K. YOU'RE KISSING ME.

I LOVE YOU!

YOU'RE KISSING ME, LLOYD!

THIS CALLS FOR A LITTLE OF THE BUBBLY!

YOU'RE GOING TO BE MY BEST MAN, HAR.

THANK YOU.

YOU HAVE JUST EARNED YOURSELF

A SEAT AT THE HEAD TABLE, PAL,

AND WE ALREADY GOT THE TUXES.

[SQUAWK]

BOY, THIS PARTY REALLY DIED.

HEY, MAYBE IT WAS A COINCIDENCE.

[FALSETTO] "HEY, MAYBE IT WAS A COINCIDENCE."

IT WAS A MESSAGE, SHAY,

PURE AND SIMPLE.

I MEAN, WE KILLED THEIR BIRD.

NOW THEY KILLED ONE OF OURS.

HOW COULD ANYBODY

WHACK A BIRD WITH A CORK?

THESE GUYS AREN'T JUST ANYBODY.

THEY'RE GOOD.

RAAH!

I'VE GOT A NEW AGE GIRL

TELL US WHAT SHE'S LIKE

ENVIRONMENTALIST GIRL

DOES SHE RIDE A BIKE? ♪

SHE HAS A CRYSTAL NECKLACE

HEY!

COMING!

THOUGH HER VIBES ARE RATHER RECKLESS

HEADING FOR THE CRASH... ♪

HEY!

[MAN] NICE GOING, BUDDY!

AND SHE WONDERS ABOUT KNOWING, WHERE DID WE BEGIN? ♪

MARY MOON

SHE'S A VEGETARIAN

MARY MOON, MARY MOON, MARY MOON

MARY MOON WILL HELP

WITH ALL THE SEPTUAGENARIANS... ♪

MA'AM.

MARY MOON

SHE'S AN INTELLECTUAL... ♪

BEAUTIFUL OUTFIT, SIR.

THERE YOU GO.

DESPITE THAT FACT, REMAINS QUITE SEXUAL

MARY MOON, MARY MOON, MARY MOON ♪♪

HEY!

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE A LITTLE EARLY.

WE DON'T OPEN FOR ABOUT 45 MINUTES.

I'M MEETING SOMEONE HERE.

MIND IF I WAIT AT THE BAR?

NO. COME ON IN.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY, HUH, HARRY?

YES. YES, I'VE HAD

A WONDERFUL TIME SO FAR, THANK YOU.

GOD, IT FEELS SO GOOD TO GET UP HERE.

I HAVEN'T BEEN OUTSIDE THAT MUCH

IN THE LAST COUPLE WEEKS.

OH, YEAH? WHY NOT?

UM, THERE'S BEEN SOME... FAMILY PROBLEMS,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU WITH THOSE.

THANKS.

OH, LOOK. FROST.

HARRY?

UNH...

ARE YOU O.K.?

[SLURRING] OH, YEAH. I DO THIS ALL THE TIME.

HI THERE.

OH!

SAY, KIDS,

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO HAVE

A CUP OF WARM WATER, WOULD YOU?

[SLURPING]

YUCK.

EXCUSE ME.

IS IT 10 A.M. YET?

IT'S 1:00.

THAT'S WHAT I HAVE, TOO. THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS FAST.

SHE'S RUNNING LATE, HUH?

JUST A COUPLE HOURS. YOU KNOW GIRLS.

WHEN THEY'RE EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING,

EVERYTHING HAS TO BE PERFECT.

THIS ONE'S ON ME.

Yippee.

CHABLIS, PLEASE.

HELLO.

[BURP]

[BURP]

BAD DAY, HUH?

ME, TOO.

'COURSE, EVERYTHING'S BEEN BAD

SINCE I BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND.

MY GOD! YOU POOR GUY. DOES IT HURT?

I'M FINE. I SAVED THE SEAT FOR YOU.

[TAPPING ON SEAT]

OH, NO, LISTEN. THIS IS SILLY.

LET ME HELP YOU.

NO, NO. NO.

YES. IT'LL ONLY HURT FOR A MOMENT.

COME ON. READY?

NO, NO. NO, NO. NO.

GO.

UNH...

[CRACKLING]

WELL, IF YOU WANT, I'LL BE BY YOUR SIDE

AND IF YOU DON'T, MAYBE SUICIDE

IT'S MY LOVE THAT WOULD KILL ME, DEAR

IF YOU WON'T HOLD ME AND HAVE ME NEAR

♪ 'CAUSE I'LL BE GOOD TO YOU IN EVERY WAY

I'LL GIVE YOU LOVING, BABY, EVERY DAY

A LOVING THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH, AND THAT'S ALL RIGHT

I'LL LOVE YOU LIKE AN OVEN ON THE COLDEST NIGHT

WHOO!

[THUD]

♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME, I'LL KILL MYSELF

UGH!

IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME, I'LL KILL MYSELF

IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME, I'LL KILL MYSELF

AAH!

AAH!

IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME, I'LL KILL MYSELF

COME ON. COME ON.

IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME ♪♪

AH!

[PFFFT]

WHAT AM...

HA HA HA...

I SAID TO MYSELF, "RUN, BETH.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE BEFORE THIS MAN KILLS YOU BOTH."

YOU KNOW WHAT THE KLUTZ DID?

NO, AND I DON'T CARE.

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU.

HE CAME HOME ONE NIGHT DEAD DRUNK

AND DECIDED HE WANTED TO FIX THE SINK.

COULDN'T BELIEVE HIM.

ANYWAY, ENOUGH ABOUT ME. LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU.

BARTENDER!

YEAH?

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW A MARY SWANSON, WOULD YOU?

MARY SWANSON? YEAH.

SHE COMES IN HERE ALL THE TIME.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

SHE HAS DINNER.

OH. I'M SORRY.

UH...

YOU KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES?

YEAH. HER FAMILY HAS THE BIG PLACE UP ON ALPINE DRIVE.

ALPINE DRIVE. BIG PLACE?

NO WAY!

THAT'S GREAT!

WE LANDED ON THE MOON!

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,

TODAY WAS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.

THANKS A LOT, HARRY.

LELL, LIT LAS...

IT WAS MY PLEASURE, MARY.

SO YOU'LL PICK ME UP TONIGHT AT 7:45?

WELL, NO, I'VE GOT A FEW THINGS

TO TAKE CARE OF FIRST.

WHY DON'T WE MAKE IT QUARTER TO 8:00?

HA HA HA!

STOP IT!

O.K. 7:45.

BYE.

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, LLOYD.

SHE TOLD ME 10:00 SHARP.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WENT TO THE RIGHT BAR?

OH, YEAH. YEP. I'M PRETTY SURE.

LOBBY BAR. RIGHT IN THE LOBBY.

AHH...WELL, MAYBE SHE JUST HAD A CHANGE OF HEART.

OH, THAT PISSES ME OFF! THAT PISSES ME RIGHT OFF!

I HATE WHEN WOMEN DO THAT! YOU KNOW?

SHE WANTED TO SEE YOU AGAIN!

SHE TOLD ME THAT!

AND NOW NO?

NOW--WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT!

SHE MUST HAVE MEANT 10:00 AT NIGHT.

DO YOU THINK?

WHY WOULD SHE HAVE YOU MEET HER AT A BAR AT 10:00 IN THE MORNING?

I JUST FIGURED SHE WAS A RAGING ALCOHOLIC.

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

OH, THAT'S TH--

AND ALL THIS TIME,

I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH SUCH PAIN

AND PERSONAL ANGUISH.

HA HA HA!

SUCH HELL... FOR NOTHING!

OH, GOD. THAT'S FUNNY.

OH, THAT'S GOOD STUFF.

HA! OH, BOY.

WELL, LISTEN, LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT YOUR NIGHT PLANNED,

SO I'M JUST GOING TO HEAD OUT AND CATCH A FLICK.

O.K.

10:00 IN THE MORNING.

HA HA HA!

HEY, HARRY, OLD BUDDY, OLD PAL!

YEAH?

WILL YOU JOIN ME IN A GOOD-LUCK TOAST

BEFORE YOU HEAD OUT?

OH, SURE THING.

WHATEVER YOU THINK WILL HELP YOUR CHANCES.

YES, SIRREE.

YOU KNOW WHY I LIKE YOU, HARRY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE A REGULAR GUY.

YEP.

THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU TO STAY REGULAR.

1/2 TEASPOON FOR FAST, EFFECTIVE RELIEF.

[WHISTLING]

HA HA HA!

MMM!

TO MY FRIEND HARRY-- THE MATCHMAKER.

OH, GET OUT OF HERE. I'VE...NO.

MMM.

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.

MMM.

[STOMACH CHURNING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[MARY] HI. THE DOOR'S OPEN. COME ON UPSTAIRS.

HI.

HI.

MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME, O.K.?

I'M ALMOST READY. ONE MINUTE?

O.K. SOUNDS GOOD.

[STOMACH CHURNING]

[FARTING AND DIARRHETIC SOUNDS]

AHH...

[FARTING CONTINUES]

OH, AY...

HA HA HA!

[KNOCK]

HARRY, ARE YOU IN THERE?

BE RIGHT OUT!

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT USING THE TOILET. IT'S BROKEN!

HUH?

THE TOILET DOESN'T FLUSH.

NO. I WAS JUST SHAVING.

SHAVING?

YEAH. I WAS RUNNING A LITTLE LATE.

I THOUGHT THIS WOULD SAVE SOME TIME.

O.K. WELL, I'LL BE IN THE KITCHEN WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

OH, JEEZ!

HA HA HA!

TOMORROW ON A CURRENT AFFAIR,

INSIDE THE HOME OF THE MENENDEZ BROTHERS' ATTORNEY.

AND NEXT, WE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE

WITH THE HEARTBREAKING STORY OF THE BLIND RHODE ISLAND BOY

WHO WAS DUPED INTO BUYING A DEAD PARAKEET.

I JUST THOUGHT HE WAS REAL QUIET.

WHO ARE THESE SICK PEOPLE?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HI!

HI.

YES?

REMEMBER ME?

UH, NOT REALLY.

PROVIDENCE. PROVIDENCE.

I DROVE YOU TO THE AIRPORT LAST WEEK.

OH, MY GOD! LLOYD, RIGHT?

YOU REMEMBERED MY NAME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN ASPEN?

I BROUGHT YOU YOUR BRIEFCASE.

YOU LEFT IT AT THE AIRPORT, YOU BIG GOOF!

YOU HAVE MY BRIEFCASE?

HEY. I HAVE IT AT MY HOTEL ROOM.

YOU WANT TO JUMP ON THE BIKE WITH ME?

WE CAN GO GET IT.

UNLESS...UNLESS YOU'RE BUSY.

OH, NO!

NO!

NO! YOU JUST WAIT RIGHT HERE.

COME ON, FLUSH, YOU BASTARD.

HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?

UH...I'M JUST-- I'M CLEANING MY TEETH!

HARRY, I'M SORRY,

BUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT'S COME UP,

AND I'VE GOT TO RUN OUT.

IT'S SORT OF AN EMERGENCY. I'LL EXPLAIN LATER.

BUT, MARY--

I'M SORRY, HARRY. I'VE REALLY GOT TO GO.

I PROMISE WE'LL DO THIS AGAIN SOME TIME.

RACE YOU TO THE TOP.

COME HERE.

UGH...

YEAH!

HA HA!

I WON!

LOOK FAMILIAR?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. YOU REALLY HAVE IT.

OF COURSE, I HAVE IT.

WHEN LLOYD CHRISTMAS DRIVES A WOMAN TO THE AIRPORT,

HE MAKES SURE SHE GETS ALL HER LUGGAGE.

THAT'S MY WHOLE PHILOSOPHY.

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU DROVE 2,000 MILES

JUST FOR ME?

UH...I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE A LOT TO DO.

YEAH.

AND I KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING IT CAN BE

TO LOSE A BAG.

THAT IS SO SWEET, LLOYD.

LOOK, MARY, I KNOW THIS MAY SEEM A LITTLE SUDDEN,

BUT I'VE GIVEN IT A LOT OF THOUGHT.

YOU'RE THE WOMAN I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR MY WHOLE LIFE,

AND I'M NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT.

PLEASE. LET ME FINISH.

I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY ABOUT ANYBODY.

LISTEN TO ME.

I FEEL LIKE A SCHOOLBOY AGAIN...

A SCHOOLBOY WHO DESPERATELY WANTS

TO MAKE SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO YOU.

[IMITATING KISSING]

OH, I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU TALKING TO SOMEONE.

MARY, I...

I DESPERATELY WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO A SCHOOLBOY.

MAYBE I SHOULD BE GOING.

NO! NO!

NO. I... THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

UM...WHAT I MEANT WAS,

GOD.

I LIKE YOU, MARY.

I LIKE YOU A LOT.

I WANT TO ASK YOU A QUESTION STRAIGHT OUT, FLAT OUT,

AND I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME THE HONEST ANSWER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THE CHANCES ARE

OF A GUY LIKE YOU AND A GIRL LIKE ME

ENDING UP TOGETHER?

WELL, LLOYD, THAT'S DIFFICULT TO SAY.

WE REALLY DON'T--

HIT ME WITH IT!

JUST GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT!

I CAME A LONG WAY JUST TO SEE YOU, MARY.

THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS LEVEL WITH ME.

WHAT ARE MY CHANCES?

NOT GOOD.

YOU MEAN NOT GOOD, LIKE ONE OUT OF 100?

I'D SAY MORE LIKE ONE OUT OF A MILLION.

SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THERE'S A CHANCE!

YEAH!

I READ YOU.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HI. WE HAVE PLENTY OF TOWELS. THANKS.

NICHOLAS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU, MARY.

I HAVE SOME NEWS ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND.

HUSBAND! WAIT A MINUTE!

WHAT WAS ALL THAT ONE-IN-A-MILLION TALK?

AREN'T YOU GOING TO INVITE ME IN?

HEY, HARRY, YOU NEVER CALLED!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

EXCUSE ME, GUNMAN, WHO ARE YOU?

DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME, ASSHOLE!

I'M THE RIGHTFUL OWNER

OF THAT BRIEFCASE YOU'VE BEEN CARRYING AROUND!

OH. WELL, THEN.

NICHOLAS, MY FAMILY TRUSTED YOU!

SHUT UP!

LISTEN, MR. SAMSONITE, ABOUT THE BRIEFCASE--

MY FRIEND HARRY AND I HAVE EVERY INTENTION

OF FULLY REIMBURSING YOU.

WHAT?

YOU, OPEN IT UP. OPEN IT UP!

GO AHEAD. OPEN IT UP.

DO WHAT HE SAYS.

HURRY.

WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS?

WHERE'S ALL THE MONEY?

THAT'S AS GOOD AS MONEY, SIR.

THOSE ARE IOUs.

GO AHEAD AND ADD IT UP.

EVERY CENT'S ACCOUNTED FOR.

LOOK. SEE THIS? THAT'S A CAR. 275 THOU.

MIGHT WANT TO HANG ON TO THAT ONE.

YOU'RE A DEAD MAN. YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!

LLOYD, I'M HOME!

LOOK, WE GOT TO HAVE A SERIOUS TALK.

I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

OH, GOOD. YOU FOUND HER.

I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.

NO. STAY.

UGH!

YES. I'D LIKE A ONE-WAY TICKET TO AMSTERDAM,

DEPARTING AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, PLEASE.

HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER?

WE USED TO BE BEST FRIENDS.

YEAH. UNTIL HE TURNED INTO A BACKSTABBER.

ME A BACKSTABBER?

YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE.

YOU KNEW I WAS CRAZY ABOUT HER!

AND YOU KNEW I WAS CRAZY ABOUT FRAIDA FELCHER,

AND THAT DIDN'T STOP YOU, DID IT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

DON'T DENY IT, LLOYD.

FRAIDA TOLD ME THE WHOLE SLEAZY STORY, MR. FRENCH TICKLER.

O.K. WHAT TIME DOES THAT LEAVE?

THANK YOU.

WAIT A SECOND.

CAN I HAVE A VEGETARIAN MEAL?

I GUESS WE BOTH LEARNED A LITTLE SOMETHING

ABOUT EACH OTHER TODAY, DIDN'T WE?

YEAH, YOU SAID IT, PAL.

MAYBE WE'RE NOT AS GOOD FRIENDS AS WE THOUGHT.

I GUESS NOT.

IF ONE BEAUTIFUL GIRL

CAN RIP US APART LIKE THIS,

THEN MAYBE OUR FRIENDSHIP ISN'T WORTH A DAMN.

MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL IT QUITS RIGHT NOW.

YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE TO SIGN, BUD.

RIGHT ON MY ASS, AFTER YOU KISS IT!

YOU KISS MINE!

BOTH CHEEKS! BOTH LIPS!

RIGHT HERE!

[IMITATING KISSING]

SHUT UP!

NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU LOSERS

WANTS TO GET IT FIRST?

OVER HERE!

I WAS THE ONE THAT GOT YOU INTO THIS WHOLE MESS.

COME ON. SHOOT ME.

NO! WAIT! WAIT. NO.

DO ME FIRST.

I STOLE YOUR GIRL, LLOYD.

I DESERVE IT.

NO, YOU DON'T.

YES, I DO.

YESTERDAY WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

MARY AND I WENT SKIING.

WE MADE A SNOWMAN. SHE TOUCHED MY LEG.

O.K. KILL HIM!

OH! OH, NO!

YOU KILLED MY BEST FRIEND, YOU BASTARD!

IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION,

YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE REUNITED.

[GUN CLICKING]

HARRY! YOU'RE ALIVE!

AND YOU'RE A HORRIBLE SHOT.

LUCKY ME.

POLICE! OPEN UP! NOBODY MOVE!

EVERYBODY FREEZE!

GET THOSE HANDS UP!

NOT YOU, DUMMY!

[POLICE] GET THE GUN.

SPECIAL OFFICER BETH JORDAN. FBI.

HEY! WHO? BUT--HUH?

MR. DUNNE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU.

WE'VE BEEN FOLLOWING YOU GUYS

ALL THE WAY FROM PROVIDENCE.

WHAT'S GOING ON, HARRY?

YOUR NAME IS HARRY, ISN'T IT?

YEAH. SHE--SHE GRABBED ME DOWN IN THE LOBBY

AND EXPLAINED WHAT WAS UP.

THEN THEY SLAPPED THIS BULLETPROOF VEST ON ME

AND GAVE ME A GUN.

BUT WHAT IF HE SHOT YOU IN THE FACE?

WHAT IF HE SHOT ME IN THE FACE?

THAT'S A RISK WE WERE WILLING TO TAKE.

HOW COME I DIDN'T GET A GUN?

DID YOU GET A GUN?

WE CAN'T PLAY THIS GAME ANYMORE

BUT CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS? ♪

THINGS JUST CAN'T GO ON LIKE BEFORE

BUT CAN WE STILL BE FRIENDS? ♪

WE HAD SOMETHING TO LEARN

NOW IT'S TIME... ♪

YOU WERE RIGHT, LLOYD.

SHE WAS DEFINITELY WORTH THE TRIP.

YEAH.

SHE'S SOMETHING, AIN'T SHE, HAR?

I'M GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO HELP HER OUT.

AND YOU KNOW IT'S ALL GONE

LET'S ADMIT WE MADE A MISTAKE... ♪♪

HONEY!

EASY. EASY.

YOU'RE O.K.

JUST A LITTLE SORE.

I'M SORRY.

OH, SWEETIE.

OH, BABY, I MISSED YOUR LOVING.

HONEY, THERE'S SOMEONE I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO.

HE'S THE KINDEST, GENTLEST MAN I'VE EVER MET.

WILL YOU MEET HIM?

SURE.

HE'S GOT A GUN!

[MARY] LLOYD.

LLOYD!

HUH?

I SAID THIS IS MY HUSBAND BOBBY.

OH. HI, BOBBY.

HI.

I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU BOTH VERY MUCH.

I OWE YOU BOTH A DEBT OF GRATITUDE.

THANK YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, LLOYD.

FIRST MARY DUMPS US,

THEN THE COPS TAKE OUR NEST EGG.

THEN OUR HOG BREAKS DOWN.

YEAH!

WHEN ARE WE EVER GOING TO CATCH A BREAK?

HALLELUJAH

HALLELUJAH

HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH

HALLELUJAH ♪♪

HI, Y'ALL.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

HI, GUYS!

WE'RE GOING ON A NATIONAL BIKINI TOUR,

AND WE'RE LOOKING FOR TWO OIL BOYS

WHO CAN GREASE US UP BEFORE EACH COMPETITION.

YOU ARE IN LUCK!

THERE'S A TOWN ABOUT 3 MILES THAT WAY.

I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND A COUPLE GUYS THERE.

O.K. THANKS.

BYE!

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

HEY!

WAIT!

LLOYD!

YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE MY FRIEND.

HE'S A LITTLE SLOW.

THE TOWN IS BACK THAT WAY.

WOW.

TWO LUCKY GUYS

ARE GOING TO BE DRIVING AROUND WITH THOSE GIRLS

FOR THE NEXT COUPLE MONTHS.

YEAH. DON'T WORRY.

WE'LL CATCH OUR BREAK, TOO.

JUST GOT TO KEEP OUR EYES OPEN.

YEAH.

NOW, WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOREVER... ♪

YOU'RE IT.

YOU'RE IT.

YOU'RE IT. QUITSIES.

YOU'RE IT. ANTIQUITSIES DOUBLE STAMP.

YOU'RE IT. ANTIQUITSIES TRIPLE STAMP.

NO ERASIES. NONE AT ALL.

YOU CAN'T TRIPLE STAMP LIKE THAT.

YES, AFTER A DOUBLE STAMP, OF COURSE YOU CAN.

YOU CAN'T TRIPLE STAMP!

THAT'S THE RULE!

YOU CAN'T TRIPLE STAMP

A DOUBLE STAMP, LLOYD!

LLOYD! LLOYD!

AND NOW WE'RE ROLLING DOWN THE HILL

DOWN THE HILL ♪♪

HERE YOU GO, WAY TOO FAST

DON'T SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE GONNA CRASH

YOU SHOULD WATCH, WATCH YOUR STEP

DON'T LOOK OUT, GONNA BREAK YOUR NECK

SO SHUT, SHUT YOUR MOUTH

♪ 'CAUSE I'M NOT LISTENIN' ANYHOW

I HAD ENOUGH, ENOUGH OF YOU

ENOUGH TO LAST A LIFETIME THROUGH

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT OF ME? ♪

GOT NO WORDS OF SYMPATHY

AND IF I GO AROUND WITH YOU

YOU KNOW THAT I'LL GET MESSED UP, TOO

WITH YOU

NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA

NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA

HERE YOU GO, WAY TOO FAST

DON'T SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE GONNA CRASH

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S BEEN GOING DOWN

YOU'VE BEEN RUNNIN' ALL OVER TOWN

SO SHUT, SHUT YOUR MOUTH

♪ 'CAUSE I'M NOT LISTENING ANYHOW

I HAD ENOUGH, ENOUGH OF YOU

ENOUGH TO LAST A LIFETIME THROUGH

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT OF ME? ♪

GOT NO CURE FOR MISERY

AND IF I GO AROUND WITH YOU

YOU KNOW THAT I'LL GET MESSED UP, TOO

WITH YOU

YOU

NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA

SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE GONNA CRASH

NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA

SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE GONNA CRASH

NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA

SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE GONNA CRASH

NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA

SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE GONNA CRASH

NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA

SLOW DOWN, YOU'RE GONNA CRASH ♪♪

WELL, IF YOU WANT, I'LL BE BY YOUR SIDE

AND IF YOU DON'T, MAYBE SUICIDE

IT'S MY LOVE THAT WILL KILL ME, DEAR

IF YOU WON'T HOLD ME AND HAVE ME NEAR

♪ 'CAUSE I'LL BE GOOD TO YOU IN EVERY WAY

I'LL GIVE YOU LOVING, BABY, EVERY DAY

A LOVIN' THAT'S GOOD, A LOVIN' THAT'S ALL RIGHT

I'LL LOVE YOU LIKE AN OVEN ON THE COLDEST NIGHT

WHEW

♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME, I'LL KILL MYSELF

YEAH, IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME, I'LL KILL MYSELF

AND IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME, I'LL KILL MYSELF

YEAH, IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME, I'LL KILL MYSELF ♪♪

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1995 NEW LINE PRODUCTIONS, INC.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

The Description of Dumb And Dumber