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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Averting Shutdowns Is The Bare Minimum

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WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

AND YOU KNOW-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THAT'S NICE.

ISN'T THAT NICE?

NOT EVERYBODY GETS THAT AT THEIR WORK.

THAT'S LOVELY.

IT'S SO NICE THAT YOU'RE HAPPY TO SEE ME BECAUSE I'M HAPPY TO

SEE YOU.

I REALLY LIKE COMING OUT HERE AND TALKING TO YOU PEOPLE EVERY

NIGHT.

YOU'RE FRIENDLY.

YOU'RE ATTRACTIVE.

YOU SMELL GOOD.

AND I JUST LIKE TALKING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TALKING

ABOUT ALL DAY.

I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.

YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IT.

IT GIVES ME A CHANCE TO WORK THROUGH WHAT JUST HAPPENED AND

TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT MEANS, WHICH MADE TODAY TOUGH, BECAUSE

THE ONE THING EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT-- TRUMP SIGNING OR

NOT SIGNING THE BORDER WALL DEAL-- DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

I TRULY BELIEVE THAT YEARS FROM NOW, PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LOOK

BACK ON THIS DAY AND SAY, "WHY ARE WE LOOKING BACK ON THAT

DAY?" ( LAUGHTER )

>> Jon: I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE WHETHER TRUMP

WON AND NANCY LOST.

OR TRUMP CAVED AND NANCY'S DANCING IN THE END ZONE.

BUT NOTHING, NOTHING THAT'S HAPPENED IN GOVERNMENT IN 2019

HAS AFFECTED ANYONE.

WHERE'S THE INFRASTRUCTURE BILL?

WHERE'S THE IMMIGRATION DEAL?

WHERE'S THE FIX ON HEALTHCARE?

WE ARE CELEBRATING-- OR SUPPOSED TO BE CELEBRATING-- THAT THEY

ARE CLOSE TO A DEAL TO ACHIEVE THE ABSOLUTE MINIMUM-- HAVING A

GOVERNMENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, CHRIS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

THIS IS LIKE CELEBRATING-- THAT'S LIKE CELEBRATING THAT

YOUR CHILD FINALLY USED THE POTTY-- ON HIS FIRST DAY OF

MEDICAL SCHOOL.

( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS NOT IMPRESSIVE.

IT'S NOT IMPRESSIVE ANYMORE.

EVERYTHING ELSE, EVERYTHING YOU'RE HEARING IN THE NEWS JUST

KABUKI THEATER.

FOR INSTANCE, TRUMP SAID THIS ABOUT THE BILL:

>> I CAN'T SAY I'M HAPPY.

I CAN'T SAY I'M THRILLED.

>> Stephen: BUT HIS PEOPLE CAN SAY HE'S GOING TO SIGN THE BILL.

THIS IS JUST ENGAGING IN "FOOT-DRAGGING THEATRICS" FOR

HIS BASE.

HE'S GOT TO DO "THE DANCE TO GET TO YES, WHICH IS A REFRESHING

CHANGE FROM TRUMP'S USUAL M.O., "THE GROPE TO GET PAST NO."

NOW, THIS AFTERNOON-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

TRUE STORY.

THAT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY, THAT JOKE.

THIS AFTERNOON, TRUMP HAD A PHOTO-OP WITH THE PRESIDENT OF

CLB, AND WHILE THERE, HE PRETENDED HE WAS STILL UNDECIDED

BECAUSE HE HADN'T READ IT YET.

>> WELL, WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN IT YET.

WE'LL BE GETTING IT.

WE'LL BE LOOKING FOR LAND MINES, BECAUSE YOU COULD HAVE THAT.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen (AS TRUMP): "OH, DID

I MENTION?

IN ADDITION TO THE WALL, I WANT LAND MINES.

( LAUGHTER ) I WANT LAND MINES.

I WANT PITS, MOATS FILLED WITH SPIKES, AND FIRE, AND, OF

COURSE, FIRE-PROOF CROCODILES.

I SAID THAT MANY TIMES.

YES."

AND JUST LIKE THEY REHEARSED, BOTH SIDES ARE CLAIMING VICTORY.

TAKE HOUSE MINORITY LEADER AND MAN INDICATING HOW MANY LATINOS

HE WANTS IN AMERICA, KEVIN McCARTHY.

KEV TOLD CNBC, "YOU'VE GOT TO REMEMBER WHERE NANCY PELOSI

WAS-- SHE WHO SAID NO MONEY FOR A WALL.

THAT'S NOT THE CASE.

DEMOCRATS HAVE NOW AGREED TO MORE THAN 55 MILES OF NEW

BARRIER BEING BUILT."

YES, 55 OF THE 2,000 MILES OF BORDER WALL TRUMP ASKED FOR.

JUST ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF TRUMP'S SLOGAN, "PROMISES MADE, PROMISES

3% KEPT."

IT'S SOMETHING!

IT'S SOMETHING.

>> Jon: SOME PERCENTAGE OF THE PROMISE.

>> Stephen: GOSH DARN IT.

IT'S SOMETHING, RIGHT?

OF COURSE, DEMOCRAT CONGRESSMAN NITA LOWEY CLAIMED TRUMP DIDN'T

GET WHAT HE WANTED: >> THIS IS NOT A WALL.

THIS IS A BARRIER.

>> Stephen: OH!

NOT A WALL, A BARRIER.

A CLINCHING LEGAL ARGUMENT, FIRST MADE IN THE LANDMARK CASE,

"POTATO v PO-TAH-TO."

( LAUGHTER ) FEBRUARY IF TRUMP GETS HIS

FUNDING, THERE'S AN UNLIKELY OBSTACLE ON THE BORDER, TO HIS

BORDER OBSTACLES, AND IT'S BUTTERFLIES.

OR AS MIKE PENCE CALLS THEM, GAY MOTHS.

OF.

>> Jon: I NEVER HEARD THEM CALLED THAT BEFORE.

I DON'T CALL THEM THAT.

>> Stephen: WE'RE GROWN-UPS.

BECAUSE DOWN IN TEXAS, "THE NATIONAL BUTTERFLY CENTER IS

ASKING A COURT TO STOP FEDERAL OFFICIALS FROM BUILDING A BORDER

WALL ACROSS ITS LAND."

AND WE WOULDN'T WANT BUTTERFLIES TO GET TRAPPED ON ONE SIDE OF A

BORDER WALL.

HOW WOULD THEY GET PAST IT?

A TUNNEL?

( LAUGHTER ) THE ACTUAL PROBLEM ISN'T FOR THE

BUTTERFLIES, OF COURSE.

IT'S FOR THE PEOPLE WHO WORK TO PRESERVE THEM ON THEIR SOUTHERN

MIGRATORY ROUTE, BECAUSE THE WALL WOULD CUT THE 100-ACRE

PROPERTY IN TWO, WITH AS MUCH AS 70% OF THE LAND INACCESSIBLE.

AND THE PEOPLE AT THE BUTTERFLY CENTER SAY THEY'VE ALREADY FOUND

GOVERNMENT CONTRACTORS CUTTING DOWN THEIR TREES AND MOWING DOWN

BRUSH THAT PROVIDES CRITICAL HABITAT FOR BUTTERFLIES.

( BOOING ) IT'S LIKE TRUMP'S PEOPLE ARE

SAYING, "I KNOW KIDS IN CAGES SOUNDED EVIL, SO WE'VE TONED IT

DOWN: WE'RE JUST MURDERING THE BUTTERFLIES!"

( LAUGHTER ) I AM SURPRISED TRUMP'S LETTING

THEM GET AWAY WITH THIS.

AFTER ALL, HE'S GOT A LOT IN COMMON WITH BUTTERFLIES: THEY'RE

BOTH FRAGILE CREATURES WITH BRIGHT, IRIDESCENT COLORING, AND

PAPER-THIN SKIN.

IT'S JUST THAT TRUMP NEVER LEFT THE LARVAL STAGE.

The Description of Averting Shutdowns Is The Bare Minimum