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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: CP Time with Roy Wood Jr. - 2018 Episodes | The Daily Show

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(mid-tempo jazz music)

- Ah, welcome to CP Time,

the only show that's for the culture.

Today, we're discussing the history

of African Americans on screen.

It's how the world sees us,

and how we're forced to see ourselves.

Not being in decision-making positions at the studio level,

but that's not the point.

Whether it's cleanin' up for white people,

or drivin' a car for an old white lady,

or drivin' a car for a crazy white man,

black actors have done it all.

When we see a black character on screen,

we're filled with pride.

We're filled with hope for the promise of a new day.

We also wonder, how long til they kill this nigga?

(audience laughs) Because every black actor

at some point in his career gets killed.

We have the on-screen survival rate of ribs at a barbecue.

You'd think they'd at least let Denzel live, but no.

he dies all the time,

(audience laughs) constantly.

My personal favorite Denzel death is in the movie, Fallen,

where Denzel dies alone in the forest,

like a bitch. (audience laughs)

Why was he even in the woods in the first place?

I knew he was gonna die once I saw too many trees.

Ain't nothin' in the forest for black people.

(audience laughs)

But the history of black actors dyin' on screen

is full of remarkable achievements.

For example, did you know the quickest black death on camera

was Omar Epps in Scream 2?

The only black man to die before the title sequence.

(audience laughs)

The movie hadn't even started yet,

and the producers decided it was a little too dark in here.

Jada Pinkett, get yo as outta there, too.

One way or another, all black actors succumb

to the script writer's ink.

Except for one.

LL Cool J.

Movie after movie, LL Cool J hung on til the end credits.

Caught Up, lived.

Charlie's Angels, survived.

Toys, I didn't see that one, but I heard he made it through.

(audience laughs)

In fact, LL was supposed to get eaten in Deep Blue Sea,

but out of respect for the streak,

the shark ate Samuel L. Jackson.

(audience laughs) Game recognize game,

because life loves Cool James.

Now, some scholars would argue that Mr. Cool J

died in Rollerball,

but the truth is, he fell, and his body was never recovered,

nor seen on screen, leaving the death open-ended,

with room for a potential sequel

or TV spinoff. (audience laughs)

So the CP Time recognition award goes to no one other

than LL Cool J.

(audience applauds) LL,

you've shown young black actors

that it is possible not to get shot in the face,

or eaten, or dismembered in every damn movie!

(audience laughs)

Now, unfortunately, LL Cool J couldn't be here tonight,

because he didn't know he was gettin' this award,

he ain't never heard of this show,

and also, nobody would give up his email address.

(audience laughs) I guessed unclel@ncis.com

but it bounced back,

the man's a recluse. (audience laughs)

Anyway, that's all the time we have for today.

This has been CP Time.

And remember, we are for the culture.

See you soon. (audience cheers, applauds)

(mid-temp jazz music)

Ah, welcome to CP Time,

the only show that's

for the culture. (audience laughs)

Today, we look back at legendary black politicians.

John Lewis, Shirley Chisolm, Barack Obama,

just a few of the icons we won't be talkin' about today.

(audience laughs) Instead,

we look to those whose achievements

are a little less appreciated by history.

Let's start with 2012 Republican presidential candidate

Herman Cain. (audience laughs)

Herman Cain was a businessman with a colorful personality

and zero knowledge of world affairs.

- When they ask me who's the president of

U-beki, beki, beki, bekistan-stan,

I'm gonna say, "You know, I don't know.

"Do you know?" (audience laughs)

- Man tryin' to get elected by speaking gibberish.

Herman Cain was ahead of his time.

In fact, if not for Hermain Cain,

black men wouldn't be able to get on TV today

wearin' a cowboy hat

while talkin' out the side of their face.

- It is pitchfork and torches time in America!

(crowd cheers) (audience laughs)

- Now let's turn our attention to Congressman Robert Smalls.

A Civil War hero who escaped slavery

by stealin' a Confederate ship.

Some say that qualified him as being off the chain.

(audience laughs) Movin' on.

Let's turn our attention to Alan Keyes.

Another Republican and legendary politician.

Keyes ran for national office in

1988, '92, '96,

2000, 2004, and 2008.

All he do is lose, (audience laughs)

like a bitch.

The brother had determination. (audience laughs)

Hell, I'd be embarrassed if I lost six national elections.

Hell, I'm embarrassed just walkin' through JoAnn Fabrics,

I go at night. (audience laughs)

I make my own nightgowns, thank you very much.

And finally, no discussion on black politicians

would be complete without Marion Barry.

Barry was elected mayor of Washington, D.C. in 1979.

Was he a good mayor, was he a bad mayor?

Nobody will ever truly know.

All we do remember is that the man smoked the crack.

(audience laughs) That's right,

in 1990, Mayor Barry was arrested in a sting operation

and caught on video smokin' crack cocaine.

He said he'd get drugs off the street,

and word is bond. (audience laughs)

It's our own damn fault for not askin' him how.

(audience laughs)

The city forgave him and in 1994,

he was reelected with approval ratings as high as he was.

(audience laughs) The country was shocked,

especially Alan Keyes.

He was all angry, he was like,

"What the (beeping) do I have to do to get elected?

"He's smokin' crack over there!"

(audience laughs)

Barry went on to have other scandals.

But if voters don't have a problem with you smokin' crack,

you basically have full immunity.

That's why when I started this job,

I showed up two weeks late.

Gotta set that bar low. (audience laughs)

Now, nobody cares that I walk around the office

in a nightgown. (audience laughs)

They admire the handiwork. (audience laughs)

I'm Roy Wood, Jr., and this has been CP Time.

And remember, we're for the culture.

Check out my Etsy page,

and purchase your very own custom civil rights nightgowns.

(audience applauds) (mid-tempo jazz music)

Oh, welcome to CP Time,

the only show that's for the culture.

Now, normally,

when you think about African American innovation,

you think about the peanut,

or booty twerkin'. (audience laughs)

But today, we're discussin' the history of

African American innovators forgotten by time.

Because black innovators have been contributing to

America's economy from the beginning,

and no I'm not just talkin' about slavery.

But let's talk about slavery! (audience laughs)

Jack Whiskey, for example.

Now, you might think this fine Tennessee hooch

was invented by some goofy ass white dude,

and to be fair, Jack Daniels does sound like

the name of a dude that fights raccoons.

(audience laughs) But did you know

it was a slave who taught Jack how to make whiskey?

That's right, whiskey in the 1850s

was taught to Jack Daniels by a former slave.

His name was Nearest Green.

The whiskey ended up bein' named after Jack Daniel,

even though Nearest Green wanted to call it,

"Hey, man!

"Drink this shit to get yo' mind off of slavery"

(audience laughs)

After the Civil War, Nearest Green became

America's first black master distiller.

So, let's honor Mr. Green and the fruits of his labor

with a toast.

(groans)

Damn, Nearest, you had to make it burn.

Wasn't yo life hard enough? (audience laughs)

(clears throat) Now, on to the story of Jerry Lawson,

a self-taught engineer who invented

the video game cartridge.

Before Jerry Lawson,

the only video game you could play was Pong.

Look at this borin'-ass video game.

(audience laughs) Action-packed.

Jerry Lawson with his invention gave black people

an escape from racism.

Much in the same way Nearest Green did

with his Jack Daniels.

So, let's toast to Nearest Green.

(audience laughs)

(groans) It burns.

(sniffs) Like a bitch.

(audience laughs) (clears throat)

Finally, our last black innovator, Lonnie Johnson,

an aerospace engineer who in 1982 invented the Super Soaker,

and invention that brought joy to both children

and wet t-shirt contest audiences alike.

(audience laughs)

Anyway, the only reason I wanted to mention Lonnie,

so that I can honor Nearest Green

in the most efficient way possible.

(audience laughs)

High-pressure alcohol dispensing.

(audience laughs, applauds) That's right.

Oh, Lordy, Lordy right there.

Yes, Lord.

Whew! (audience laughs)

Lordy, Lordy!

(clears through) So there you have it.

To black innovators, we say thank you.

Now, somebody bring me a soda,

'cause I gotta get somethin' to chase this with,

ooh, Lord! (audience laughs)

(mid-temp jazz music) (audience applauds)

Ah, welcome to CP Time,

the only show that's for the culture.

As we end Black History Month,

we look back on the accomplishments of black women.

And joinin' me for this episode is Dulce Sloan.

- Thank you, Roy.

But I've been here for every episode.

- Oh, I think you must be mistaken, CP Time is a solo show.

- No, no, no, no, check the tape.

I was there when you talked about actors,

and black politicians,

and I was right in front of you during the last one.

- Hmm, I apologize,

my peripherals are not what they used to be.

- Don't blame the cataracts, Roy, you forgot.

Like a bitch. (audience laughs)

But it's okay, black women have been

overlooked in American history,

but we've still accomplished great things.

Like Madame C.J. Walker, America's first black woman

to be a self-made millionaire.

- Oh, no, no, no, I do believe

that's Aretha Franklin, Dulce.

- Just because Aretha's been in a fur since 1973

doesn't mean she was the first millionaire.

Madam C.J. Walker earned her millions in the early 1900s.

That's old money.

And she did it with hair care products.

Hair grower, scalp ointment, and of course,

she revolutionized the hot comb.

- Ah, the smell of hot grease and laid edges

on a Saturday mornin'!

- I have her to thank for all these scars on my ears.

There's also Marie Van Brittan Brown,

an innovator who in 1966,

during the heart of the civil rights movement,

invented the home security system.

Before her, when someone broke in, people just yelled,

"Hey, man, don't take my shit!"

(audience laughs)

- But while her invention might have

dramatically decreased theft, it didn't stop ADT

from stealin' the idea from her. (chuckles)

(audience laughs)

- We also can't forget Mae Carol Jemison,

the first black woman to travel in space.

- You know what, I've always said, Dulce,

is that more black people should go to space.

Not even for science, just for safety.

There's no police up there. (audience laughs)

- Ooh, facts, facts.

- I just wanna thank you

for bringin' these wonderful pieces to the show.

We often forget what black women did in American history.

- History?

We're forgettin' black women now.

Quick, tell me who founded the Black Lives Matter movement?

- Well, that's very easy, everyone knows that's Deray,

the man in the blue vest.

- Deray!

No, no. (chuckles)

The original founders were Alica Garza,

Patrisse Cullors, and Opal Tometi.

- Were they ever wearin' a blue vest?

- No. - Okay,

well how was I supposed to know.

Sound like a fashion problem. - Oh, wait--

- Well, there's only 30 minutes left

here in Black History Month.

And who knows?

Maybe next year, there won't be a need for this program,

because we would've reached the mountaintop.

(laughing)

That is funny every year. - Whoo!

- I'm Roy Wood, Jr. - And I'm Dulce Sloan.

- And this has been CP Time,

and remember, (mid-tempo jazz music)

- We're for the culture. - We're for the culture.

- You don't get to say, "Like a bitch,"

that's my phrase.

- I mean, listen. - This is my show.

(audience applauds)

- Ah, welcome to CP Time,

the only show that's for the culture.

This week marks a wonderful anniversary for black people.

It was today in 1999 that Jay-Z and Beyonce started datin'.

(audience laughs) I'm just jokin',

not only is that the wrong date,

but that union was a terrible tragedy

that benefited no one but Jay-Z.

(audience laughs) No, actually,

this week marks the 50th anniversary

of the Fair Housing Act of 1968,

which meant landlords couldn't keep black people

out of their apartments,

provin' once and for all that riotin' works.

That's right, we burned down those streets

until they let us live in those houses that we burned down.

(audience laughs) Because sometimes,

injustice demands action.

Like the time my neighbor Darryl

kept parkin' his Miata in my parkin' space,

until I righteously set that bitch on fire.

(audience laughs)

Only thing was,

it turned out that Darryl never drove a Miata.

Whoops. (audience laughs)

And the good news is, many years later,

black people are still affectin' housin' policy,

this time from the inside.

Just look at Housing and Development Secretary Ben Carson.

A man who's 30% black and 70% asleep.

(audience laughs) Last year,

Dr. Carson tried to stop an Obama program

that let poor people use housing vouchers

in rich neighborhoods.

Finally, after decades of racial discrimination,

black people have reached the point

where we can help to discriminate.

We made it to the mountaintop, Martin,

and we gon' push these other Negroes off it.

(audience laughs)

Now, the Fair Housing Act was just one of

three major civil rights laws of that time.

There was also the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

This was the act that allowed black people

to sit at the counter at Woolworth's.

A lotta young people don't remember Woolworth's,

but it was one of the rare department stores

that also served food.

Today, it would be like me eatin' lunch

at a Ross Dress for Less,

(audience laughs) which I do.

The third great civil rights law

was the Voting Rights Act of 1965,

which let the federal government intervene

in states that suppressed the black vote.

It was a landmark piece of legislation.

Or, it was, until 2013,

when the Supreme Court knocked down a huge chunk of it.

They said it worked so well, we didn't need it anymore.

The Supreme Court did the same thing

that I did with my diabetes pills.

They started workin',

so I stopped takin' 'em. (audience laughs)

You keep takin' something, and it's workin'

Hell, it's the best decision I ever made,

'cause I got to have it,

I've got to have it, baby. (audience laughs)

- Mm-hm, that's alright, but,

(clears throat) (audience chuckles)

and I'm back. (audience laughs)

So that's the story of the Fair Housing Act,

the Civil Rights Act, and the Voting Rights Act,

which together are like a Lord of the Rings trilogy

for black people, except for our Gollum is Jeff Sessions.

(audience laughs)

Well, this has been CP Time, and I'm Roy Wood, Jr.

And as always, remember, we're for the culture.

(mid-tempo jazz music)

You wanna see my Ben Carson impersonation?

(audience cheers, applauds)

Ah, welcome to CP Time, the only show

that's for the culture. (audience laughs)

Now, it's no secret that black folks

love us a good conspiracy theory,

like how rapper B.o.B thinks the world is flat,

(audience laughs)

or Mos Def doesn't think Osama bin Laden did 9/11,

or how I believe that Khloe Kardashian

is OJ Simpson's secret daughter.

(audience laughs)

(chuckles) Uh, that OJ,

always leavin' DNA everywhere. (audience laughs)

No wonder they call him the Juice.

(audience claps)

But the conspiracy theories that unite all black people

are about the government.

Uncle Sam gets more blame than

alcohol after a pregnancy test.

(audience laughs)

Like the conspiracy theory that the government created AIDs,

which I personally don't believe.

We all know that the only man-made disease is kidney stones.

(audience laughs)

Somebody sneakin' them stones up there.

Think about it. (audience laughs)

Then, of course, there's black folks' suspicion

that during Hurricane Katrina,

the government blew up the levees on purpose

to flood out poor black neighborhoods

and spare the white ones.

That's right, the government even turned water against us.

I'd expect that from racist-ass lava, but not you, water.

(audience laughs)

That's why I only shower now with Lime Gatorade.

(audience laughs) Who can you trust?

Now, I know you white people out there, y'all laughin',

y'all think black people is crazy and gullible,

I can hear you chucklin',

(imitates laughing) (audience laughs)

But this is serious,

when you realize how many conspiracy theories against us

turn out to be true.

Like how black people with syphilis

thought they were being treated,

but were actually part of a government experiment.

(audience groans)

That's right, the government did medical experiments

on black people, and we didn't even get any superpowers.

(audience laughs)

If I'm gonna have syphilis, I should also get to be

the She Hulk, or Syphilis Man,

or one of the new members of the Avengers.

(audience laughs) Fair is fair.

And what about during the 1960s, when we all said

they were tryin' to sabotage Martin Luther King?

And then in the 1990s, we found out

that they were trying to sabotage Martin Luther King?

They wiretapped him and released salacious transcripts

of his most intimate moments of fornication

with random women. (audience laughs)

I refuse to read a single word of that slander.

(audience laughs)

I did listen to that audio book though.

(audience laughs, applauds) Freaky deaky.

(audience applauds)

So the next time you're fixin' to laugh

at a black person's conspiracy theory,

just remember we're battin' about 250 on these,

which brings me

to the biggest conspiracy theory of them all,

that Popeye's Chicken is a front for the CIA.

(audience laughs) A 10-piece and sides for $20.

(audience laughs) This are crack prices.

But thankfully,

I've been able to resist this product for years,

because I know better than to ever give in to (gasps)

Oh my god. (audience laughs)

Oh, my, oh my God, they got biscuits, too.

(audience laughs)

Well, I think that's all the time we have for today.

(audience laughs) I'm Roy Wood, Jr.,

and this has been CP Time,

(audience cheers) and remember,

we're for the culture. (mid-tempo jazz music)

Ah, welcome to CP Time,

the only show that's for the culture.

(audience laughs)

Today is the 50-year anniversary

of track stars John Carlos and Tommie Smith's

historic protest for equal rights at the 1968 Olympics.

Not only did they take a brave stand,

they made it stylish for black people to wear gloves.

(audience laughs)

Shaft fought crime in gloves,

Michael Jackson danced in gloves.

It was a trend that lasted all the way to 1995,

when OJ Simpson single-handedly killed it,

(audience laughs) allegedly.

Fact is, black athletes have often been

our most prominent protestors,

because they've had such a big audience,

since sports is the only time a bunch of white folks

stare at black people without the cops gettin' called.

(audience laughs)

One of the first recorded black athlete protests

was back in the early 1900s by boxer Jack Johnson,

who boldly opposed racism by punchin' white men in the face.

(audience laughs)

and then dating white women. (audience laughs)

A trailblazer, indeed.

But sadly, many black athlete protestors

don't get the recognition they deserve.

For example, we may remember Carlos and Smith,

but at the very next summer Olympics,

track star Wayne Collett protested for civil rights

by havin' a casual conversation during the National Anthem.

Look at those two there,

Chattin' like they were in line at 7-Eleven.

(audience chuckles) "What are you in line for?"

"Justice!" (audience chuckles)

"Oh, that's cool, I was just

"gettin' some Reese's Pieces." (audience laughs)

And we all know about LeBron James

fightin' for Black Lives Matter,

but not many people know that in 2016,

the entire WNBA Indiana Fever team

took a knee before a playoff game

to protest police brutality.

- [Audience Member] Yeah.

- The Fever lost that game,

and I lost $400 bettin' on 'em.

(audience laughs)

I know what I owe you, Ricky.

Stop gettin' my kids involved in this.

(audience laughs) You'll get your money.

And we all hear about Colin Kaepernick and his protest,

but not everyone remembers NBA player Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf,

who refused to stand during the anthem

to protest American injustice against Muslims.

Rauf's courage opened the door for people like Kaepernick

to not only kneel, but to do it even blacker,

while sportin' a afro and cornrows,

which according to scientists

are two of the blackest hairstyles on earth.

(audience laughs)

Only the Jheri curl reigns supreme.

(audience laughs, applauds)

Sadly, black athletes usually pay a price

for their political protests.

Wayne Collett was suspended

for the rest of the Olympic games.

Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf was suspended by the NBA,

and Colin Kaepernick lost his job

and was blackballed by the NFL.

Even worse for Colin, he was punished by Nike

with a big-ass endorsement deal.

(audience laughs)

And you might not think

getting millions of dollars is a punishment.

It isn't, until you start havin' aunts and uncles

comin' out of the woodwork askin' you for money.

(audience laughs)

One time, I found a $50 bill on the street,

by the end of the day, I had six new aunts.

The whole thing cost me $200. (audience laughs)

You can't even divide that by six.

Well, that's all the time we have for today.

I'm Roy Wood, Jr., and this has been CP Time.

And remember, we're for the culture.

(mid-temp jazz music)

Hey, Colin, it's your Uncle Roy.

(audience laughs) Can I borrow $400,

there's a loan shark that's not,

he's not (beeping) around with me.

(audience applauds, cheers)

(mid-temp jazz music)

Mm, that's strong.

Ah, welcome to CP Time,

the only show that's for the culture.

We're comin' to you from Florida,

where next week, Andrew Gillum could become

(audience cheers) the first black governor

of the state.

If he can pull it off, Andrew Gillum would join a

long list of celebrated African Americans from Florida.

Black people like Congresswomen Frederica Wilson,

(audience cheers) a tireless advocate

who has worked to reduce dropout rates,

and who has been a groundbreaking pioneer in hatwear.

She has hats for any occasion.

The hat for when you're going to church,

but then have to go to a rodeo right after.

(audience laughs)

The hat for when you wanna tell your enemies,

"Oh, you think you bad?

"Bitch, I killed a polar bear."

(audience laughs) And of course,

the hat for when you just had to do it to 'em

for no reason at all. (audience cheers)

Slay, Frederica, slay!

But it's not just politics.

Florida has been home to some of

our nation's great black writers,

including Zora Neale Hurston,

who has written many movin', inspirin',

and life-alterin' novels that I intended to read one day.

(audience laughs)

Not the least of which is,

Their Eyes Were Watching God,

which I'm told is a book about a group of people

lookin' up at the sky.

Here's a brief reenactment.

(audience laughs)

Florida's also the birthplace of black acting royalty,

like Sidney Poitier. (audience cheers)

Now, most people associate him with the Bahamas.

The truth is, he was actually born in Miami,

two months premature.

His parents were here visitin',

and I guess his mother was dancin' too hard

and Poitier came right on outta there.

(audience laughs)

Movin' on to sports.

Liberty City in Miami, Florida has always been

a hotbed of NFL talent, like Chad Johnson, Antonio Brown,

(audience applauds) and my Uncle Beebo.

(audience laughs)

Uncle Beebo woulda gone first in the draft in '72,

but a gator got his foot.

But that's neither here nor there.

We got that gator, and he died.

(audience laughs) Like a bitch.

(audience laughs)

And finally, you can't talk about great black Floridians

without talkin' about the music.

First, there's the rapper literally synonymous with Florida,

Flo Rida, (audience laughs, cheers)

whose music is loved by everyone.

In fact, Flo Rida is the only artist you can hear playin'

durin' a drive-by and a spin class.

(audience laughs)

It's all about that crossover appeal.

But long before Flo Rida adopted his confusin'-ass name,

Miami rap kings 2 Live Crew made true history,

(audience cheers)

not just because of the black guy rappin' with a Asian,

but also in the courtroom,

after they were arrested on obscenity charges.

But they defended the right to perform

their butt-nasty lyrics on songs like, Me So Horny,

Hoochie Mama, and of course the classic, Face Down, Ass Up.

(audience laughs)

And they won the case, and in doing so,

they ensured all of our First Amendment rights.

And the right to pop that pussy.

(audience cheers)

That's all the time we have for today.

From Florida, I'm Roy Wood, Jr.,

and this has been CP Time.

And remember, we're for the culture.

(audience cheers)

(mid-tempo jazz music)

Ah, welcome to CP Time,

the only show that's for the culture.

In honor of this week's Veteran's Day,

tonight, we discuss the contributions of the black soldier,

The only armed black people

that everybody's comfortable with.

(audience laughs)

Since America's birth,

African Americans have proudly served this country,

even in bondage.

George Washington's personal servant during the war

was a slave named William Lee.

The two spent so much time together,

William was even able to photobomb a painting of Washington.

(audience laughs)

Lee and Washington's bond inspired many of the

interracial action films we see today,

such as 48 Hours, Men in Black, and Knight Rider.

(audience laughs) You know that car was black.

It had a spoiler.

Many black Americans have made the ultimate sacrifice,

even if by accident,

as when the first shots in the Revolutionary War

killed Crispus Attucks.

Though not a member of any militia,

Crispus is my favorite character to play in reenactments,

mostly because his part is so short,

and I get to go home early.

"Crispus, lookout!"

"Huh? (sputters)

"Oh, Lord, I done died for these white people!"

(audience laughs) (grunts)

Those were his actual last words.

(audience laughs) In the Civil War,

black soldiers fought for the Union

in regiments like the famous 54th Massachusets Infantry.

And even the Confederacy,

upon realizing they were gonna lose the war,

started drafting black soldiers.

The south learned the same lesson the NBA did in the 50s.

If you don't have any black people,

you ain't even in the game. (audience laughs)

Movin' on. (audience applauds)

In World War I, the 369th Infantry Regiment

fought so fiercely that the Germans called them

the Harlem Hellfighters.

And when a German says you know how to whoop ass,

that means somethin'. (audience laughs)

The Great War also provided many black fighters

with their first chance to travel abroad.

And once in France,

our brothers in arms found something

they had never seen before,

respect for white people.

It was so enjoyable in Europe that a lot of black soldiers

didn't come back, which I understand.

I went to Belgium for two days,

ended up stayin' the whole summer with Helga.

(audience laughs)

Oh, she knew how to iron that Belgian waffle.

(audience laughs) Oh, my waffles,

I was there for three months.

And then my wife found out. (audience laughs)

I'm sorry, baby, pease, please let me come home.

Please. (audience laughs)

World War II

would be a similar undertakin' for black soldiers,

as the only n-word they heard overseas was Nazi.

This war also introduced us to the Tuskegee Airmen,

the first African American military aviators.

(audience cheers) While history may tell you

that there were 932 pilots,

it shoulda been 933.

My Uncle Beebo was supposed to be a Tuskegee Airman,

but they ran outta planes,

which is a shame,

'cause he woulda put a hurtin' on them Nazis,

but all they gave him was a bicycle.

Couldn't even ride over there, 'cause of the ocean.

(audience laughs)

And in the modern era,

no discussion of black veterans is complete

without Colin Powell, the first African American general

to become the Joint Chiefs chairman,

(audience cheers, applauds)

and the first black Secretary of State.

He helped lead America into the Iraq War,

proving that a black man can ruin the Middle East

just as much as a white man. (audience laughs)

Now that's what I call true equality.

(audience laughs)

That's all the time I have for today.

This has been CP Time, and I'm Roy Wood, Jr.

And remember, we're for the culture.

(audience applauds)

Helga, if you're watching this program, please email me.

I would like to meet our child.

(audience applauds)

(mid-temp jazz music and jingle bells)

Welcome to CP Time, (audience laughs)

the only show that's for the culture.

Today, we discuss black people

and the joyful, festive holiday of Christmas.

So let's start with slavery!

(audience laughs) 'Cause remember,

black people weren't celebratin' Christmas before that.

None of us were on the boat ride over here going,

"Fa la la la la,

"deck the halls." (audience laughs)

But once they were in America,

many slaves began to see Christmas

for the blessin' that it was,

a chance to escape while their owners were

away for the holidays. (audience laughs)

The great abolitionist Harriet Tubman even used Christmas

to free her three brothers.

Which may sound good to you,

but if I let my sister free me around Christmas,

I'd never hear the end of it.

(audience laughs) Every year, she'd be like,

"Oh, thank you so much for the slippers.

"This almost as good as the gift I got you last year,

"not shackles!"

And then I'd be like, "Shut up, Bernice!

"You'll ruin the holidays." (audience laughs)

Of course, music is an important part of Christmas,

and black people have been covering

and improving the classics for years.

Like Let it Snow, by Boyz II Men.

(audience cheers)

Or, Do You Hear What I Hear,

by me. (audience laughs)

Here's a sample.

Do you year what I hear

Sounds like oppression. ♪ (audience laughs)

But some holiday music

is tainted with a history of racism.

Like the classic, Jingle Bells,

which at first just seems like

an innocent song about reckless driving.

But back in 1857, its first public performance

was part of a minstrel show

sung by a bunch of white dudes in blackface.

It's a terrible legacy,

and that's why every time I see a one-horse open sleigh,

I key that shit for justice. (audience laughs, applauds)

But it is also important to recall

the true reason we celebrate Christmas, Santa.

The breakthrough for black Santas was in 1943,

when one of Harlem's biggest department stores

hired the country's first black Santa Claus,

which surely was a distraction for customers

who didn't know what was goin' on.

I'm sure they was all like,

"Who's that nigga in the red jacket talking to my child?"

(audience laughs)

After that, black Santas took a 70-year L,

until two years ago,

when Larry Jefferson became the first black Santa

at the white-ass Mall of America.

(audience laughs) A victory for our people,

mostly because Larry used his employee discount

to get all the black people he knew 20% off.

(audience laughs) A hero, indeed.

But Kris Kringle would be nothing

without the gifts he brings.

The toys.

Without the toys,

Santa's just a fat bastard that broke in your house.

And for decades,

manufacturers didn't even consider

making toys for black children.

And when they finally did,

some 'em would just paint white dolls black.

Like this Willie Talk doll.

Look at that.

Looks like Willie got thrown into a bonfire.

(audience laughs)

But the great thing about kids

is they'll like whatever you give them,

because children are not very intelligent.

(audience laughs)

Like my favorite toy when I was a youngster

was Mr. Chompy Chomp. (audience laughs)

Oh, I played with Mr. Chompy Chomp for hours.

I'd make him wobble, I'd make him talk to me,

and lose all his teeth. (audience laughs)

Took me 45 years to realize this,

Mr. Chompy Chomp was a stapler.

(audience laughs)

My good friend Cornel West told me that.

(audience laughs)

That's all the time we have for today.

I'm Roy Wood, Jr., this has been CP Time,

and remember, we're for the culture.

Make sure you put my website up at the end

so people can order my compact disk and cassettes.

(mid-temp jazz music) (audience cheers)

(The Daily Show theme music)

The Description of CP Time with Roy Wood Jr. - 2018 Episodes | The Daily Show