Please welcome this week's special guest, Greg.
So, Clare, what is Greg to you?
This is Greg, and he is the RSPCA officer who came to my aid
when a squirrel climbed into my handbag and wouldn't get out.
Rob Delaney, how do you know Greg?
Well, this is Greg and we once stayed up all night together holding
onto a fence when a game of who can hold on to the fence the longest
got out of hand.
Finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Greg?
This is Greg. I was so nervous about appearing on TV for the first time
that I made him come with me and pretend we were a double act.
David's team, where do you want to start?
So, Clare, where were you when the squirrel jumped into your handbag?
I was filming in Devon for Countryfile
and I was doing one of those links, you know,
when you walk along the cliff top, essentially. I'd left my bag
under a tree and sometimes there are little sweeties left in it
and I assume that is why the squirrel got in it.
You know when you get those selection chocolates
and there's some...the Topics that nobody likes?
I think I'd left...except unless you're a squirrel,
in which case, huh-huh.
Well, it's the one thing they say about squirrels -
they're not fussy when it comes to Quality Street.
- So, as you approached the bag... - Yes. - ..what did you see?
- How were you alerted to this? - It was moving.
And what did you do then? Did you continue to approach?
Yeah, I thought, "There's something in my bag,"
and then when I got close,
I thought, "It'll jump out because I'm near to it," but it wouldn't.
You're approaching the bag, Clare, it's moving about,
- you know there's a squirrel, you continue to approach. - Yes.
What happens then?
The squirrel's doing its thing...
- Continues to rummage. - Yeah, going through my diary, my phone...
- Helping itself to a strawberry cream. - Yeah, yeah.
You know, "I don't know why people are so fussy."
The cameraman said, "Don't touch it because you might get bitten,"
and he said, "We'll call the RSPCA, they'll know what to do."
Had you tried tipping it upside down?
I've seen women do that to get things out.
Not if you've got earrings in the bag
in the middle of a field in Devon. You're not going to do that.
There's a great image of the squirrel wearing the earrings
and reading the diary.
"She's got a busy December, no wonder she can afford these."
So, they rang the RSPCA, Greg came up to a cliff top in Devon...
CLARE: It did take a while.
RHOD: And the squirrel was still in your bag?
How did he get it out? How did he get the squirrel out?
The squirrel had probably had enough by then
so he didn't even have to do much.
The squirrel came out of his own accord?
Indeed, as he approached the bag.
All right. David, what about the others?
- OK, Rob, a fence-holding-on contest that got out of hand. - Yes.
You said all night, Rob, was that it?
You went on all night, the fence-holding. Correct.
Are you standing on the fence...? No, we're standing next to a fence,
we're standing next to a wooden picket fence.
Touching it. Touching it.
And where were you?
We were in Pittsfield, Massachusetts.
One of you said, "I'm not saying it's boring here in Massachusetts,
"but who fancies holding on to that fence all night?"
Fair. We had...
There'd just been a documentary that was sweeping the nation
called Hands On A Hard Body, and it was about these people
who could win a Toyota pick-up truck if...
whoever held on to or whoever touched it for the longest.
So we had just seen this documentary and we were very drunk
so we thought...we were like,
"Ha, wouldn't it be funny if we did this?"
And then we did it for...
And who is Greg? I mean, how was he there?
Greg is the older brother - you can see he's quite a bit older than me.
He was the older brother of my friend that I went to college with.
Did you learn a lot about Greg?
More than I'd care to know.
Could we have five Greg facts?
- Uh... - LEE: Opened his own bakery. - Let's see.
That was the big one.
We agreed at five o'clock in the morning that we were both winners
and that as 5am approached...
So you started this at what time?
About 8pm. You started that at 8pm?
That's very early to start a fence-holding game.
Yeah, it's quite early to be... to go that strange.
When had you started drinking?
Meh, four or so in the afternoon.
All right, maybe.
OK, now what about Lee?
DAVID: OK, Lee. Um.... Just remind us of what it was that you said.
This is Greg and I was so nervous about my first TV appearance
that I made him come along with me and pretend we were a double act.
What was your first TV appearance?
It was on a programme called Pump Television.
It was a sort of magazine type show.
It was a bit funky and happening. it was like The One Show
but for people that are allowed out in the day.
- And what were you doing on the show? - Just being interviewed.
It was Reading television
and I'd just won a competition for new comedians up in Edinburgh.
What year was this?
But you didn't win in Edinburgh till 1997.
That's right, sorry. I've completely messed up the story.
I went on the show, Pump TV, to tell them
that I could predict the future.
You know, you said to us that you were a double act.
What sort of a double act?
I rang up and said, "Sorry, I'm actually a...
"I do a bit of double act work. Can I bring my double act partner
"on as well?" They said, "Fine, what does your double act partner do?"
and without thinking, I said, "He's a juggler."
What happened when you got there? Did he have to get there and juggle?
There's another twist to this story...
Is the other twist to this story that it's a complete lie?
No, Rhod, I don't think that would be a twist.
So, he comes...he comes on the show and I tell him
fairly last minute, I think maybe an hour or two's notice,
"Oh, by the way, I may have told them that you were a juggler."
So now he's panicking, isn't he? So what does he do?
Cos he thinks he's going to be asked to juggle on the show
and he can't juggle. So he bandaged his arm up and so thus he wasn't...
If they said, "Can you juggle?"
He can say, "I can't, I've hurt my arm."
All the way there in the car you're not talking about
- why you're driving all this way... - We didn't drive together.
He couldn't - he'd injured his arm juggling.
That's not right.
That's not right, is it? Now I'M starting to think...
No, I met him at the studio because he actually is from Reading.
That's handy, isn't it? That was good, wasn't it?
Were there any other guests on the TV show?
I can't remember now. I think there was a person who had a dog
- and the dog did something. - Yeah.
Uh, there was a bit of...it's a magazine.
DAVID: Maybe he actually didn't have a dog
but he just persuaded the dog to come on because he was nervous.
All right, we need an answer.
So, David's team, is Greg Clare's squirrel saviour,
or Lee's pretend partner?
It's a pretty unappetising menu, isn't it?
I don't believe Clare Balding. I don't believe
that she would be scared, somebody who hosts Countryfile.
If there was a sound man there with a boom,
you could have used that furry boom to entice...
Like, maybe he could have pretended it was a badger.
Also, if you were a lady
and you saw your handbag moving, you wouldn't immediately think
squirrel in there, you'd think, "Oh, God, it's gone off again."
What about Rob's story?
There was a lot of detail with Rob's fence-holding story.
I like Rob's. It could very well be true, but...
I think so. Greg's hands were made for holding on to fences.
So, you think Rob. Rhod, who do you think?
I think because Lee so rarely sounds plausible,
I think it'd be nice to give him a little go.
You think that when Lee went on Pump TV in 1995
with an average viewing figure of 14...
he was too nervous to go on his own?
I do, I do.
Yeah, I think Rob, I think Rob.
You're going to say Rob Delaney.
That's what we're going for.
OK, so, Greg, would you please reveal your true identity?
My name is Greg and I pretended to be in a double act with Lee.
Yes, Greg is Lee's pretend partner.
Now, we have a picture of Lee and Greg on TV together.
There they are.
NICK: That's brilliant!
I can see Greg in the picture.
LEE: Who's the really skinny fella?
Who's the 70-year-old man who's dying?
I'll tell you what, David, coming from you, that is rich.
It is true, I was very thin.
I was 9st there, I was a skinny lad.
Good lord. But we've made great advances in medicine
and he's here with us today.
Thanks very much, Greg.