I think women tend to be
less comfortable with their bodies than men are,
and I think a big reason for that
is because the names we give for female anatomy
are very ugly-sounding words,
words like labia majora, labia minora,
perineum, furnunculus, cervix, clitoris.
Fun fact: one of the things I just said
was a Harry Potter spell.
I'm not telling you which one.
The reason I know a lot of this stuff is,
my mother was, she studied biology,
so my brother and I were raised to always use
proper anatomical terminology,
to never use slang terms for body parts.
And that's okay most of the time,
but every now and then it's not very appropriate.
Like, I was with my then-girlfriend one time,
and I was about to euphemism her metaphor.
In the heat of the moment, I used the word "vulva."
And she had about the same reaction,
just, like, "Ah... Can't you just say vagina?"
And I was like, "Well, no,
"because I'm referring to the exterior parts.
"The vagina is actually just the canal,
"just the internal portion.
The stuff on the outside, that's the vulva."
She's like, "Just stop saying that word."
And I was like, "No.
"Vulva, vulva, vulva, vulva, vulva.
"Listen, I'm doing you a favor, okay?
"You can't just go around the rest of your life
"using vagina as an all-encompassing term
"for everything between your legs.
That's like calling your face your throat."
I got about half of you with that one, that's a good...
That's good, no, that's really good.
Here's the thing, I don't...
I don't want to sound unappreciative,
you guys are a great crowd,
but my dream is to get to perform at an ob/gyn convention.
Yeah, and close with that joke,
just like the loudest applause break ever.
People just standing, screaming,
throwing Pap smear kits and NuvaRings at the stage.
I'm single right now.
Not because of the vulva thing, for other reasons.
And I enjoy being single,
but I feel like I've been single for too long,
and I've started to pick up a lot of weird habits
because I don't have a girlfriend
to just be like, "Hey, stop chewing your fingernails,"
or, "Mason jars don't double as latrines."
Like, really simple things that you know.
And one of the weirder hobbies I've picked up as a single guy
is, I like to make little clay sculptures,
about this big or so, of Pokémon.
And here's the weird part, because that's not...
They're not bad.
They're actually, like, really good.
And if that sounds cocky,
just remember what I'm bragging about.
Now, here's the thing that makes that extra strange.
Because of the way I look and am,
I don't really pull off quirky very well.
I feel like I give off one of two impressions:
either dumb frat boy or charming serial killer.
That's it, right?
So when you guys picture my bedroom,
you probably see, like, I don't know,
something bro-y, kind of, like, protein powder
and a Fight Club poster.
And they're there, but...
Now picture, in addition to those,
a menagerie of handmade anime figurines
Murder dungeon-- that's where I live.
And I had a wake-up call recently,
where I went on a date, and it went well,
and I lured her back to my apartment,
and as we were walking in, I realized,
I forgot to tell her about this,
so the first thing she sees
is just a hundred of these little guys,
just lining my shelves, overlooking my bed
like gargoyles of self-inflicted abstinence, right?
And for a moment, I think I'm artistic,
she thinks I'm autistic,
and in the silence that follows,
you can hear her ovaries just go "shumpf" up into her ribcage,
like tubes at the bank, and...
She looks at them,
and then she looks at me with fear in her eyes,
just like, "Oh, you didn't tell me you collected toys."
I was like, "No, no, no.
I made those."