Practice English Speaking&Listening with: I HATE MINIONS

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(Siren)

So I bought this minion toy from Amazon

to do something funny with for this video

and to my utter dismay,

it looks completely different to how it was advertised.

I mean just look at it compared to the picture

it looks more like

it looks more like

fucking humpty dumpty than a minion.

You know, the Despicable Me movies

aren't even the worst thing ever.

They're fine, serviceable, certainly not the

most awful animated kids movies out there.

Unlike say, The Nut Job

or Escape From Planet Earth.

But do you know what is the worst thing ever?

Those bloody minions.

From the beginning it was highly predictable

that these evil, yellow bastards were

gonna take the world by storm.

You see, general audiences and dumb children

don't need any sort of structure or barf or a joke.

(Minion blowing raspberries)

(Audience laugh)

Meaning that Comcast who own Universal Pictures

who originally invented the minions for Despicable Me

back in 2010, saw dollar signs in their eyes

after the success of the first movie

(Cash register cha ching)

and realised that over saturating and branding of

the living tic tacs in every possible manner

would be the best way to maniuplate audiences

into handing over their cash

no matter how vague or bizarre it may be.

Take the minions out of either of the first two movies

and there really isn't that much different.

They only exist because it's easy to make a

random joke with them

that has nothing else to do with the movie

and as long as they are loud and slapstick enough

kids and stupid people will pretty much lap up

anything with bright colours and a fast pace.

But the reason they piss me off so much

is because they've actually taken centre stage

to the property that invented them in the first place.

So in essence, the cynical lazy design has

overtaken any sincerity the property

might have had originally

and warped it into such a harmless, inoffensive

bowl of pulp that the idea of a minion

can be applied to anything

even if it makes no goddamn sense.

And when I say lazy design,

I mean the actual way the things look is extremely dull.

Look, draw an oval

add some hilarious denim clothing

because I guess denim is funny.

Then gloves, boots and goggles

and you're done.

Then colour it yellow

for the same reason as lego minifigures,

to avoid any kind of racial discrimination

making them as relatable and cute as possible.

In the same way that Jar Jar

Watto, and all the other stereotypes in

the Star Wars movies are considered offensive,

the complete opposite idea can be applied to minions.

They are so characterless and inoffensive

that people find it easy to self insert themselves

onto them for some reason

which is almost worse in my book.

At least it's somewhat enjoyable

to make fun of Watto.

Anni

But what I just said aside,

I could comfortably forget and forgive

just about all of what I just said.

It's not the first time a company has tried to profit

from something so obvious and simple.

But here's the thing,

these things are everywhere.

No, they really are everywhere.

I've called things out for being over exposed before

but never to the extent of these fucking things.

Lunchboxes, dog outfits, perfume,

drink bottles, headphones, T-shirts,

weird creepy baby costumes.

It really is out of control.

The most notable example at the moment is

the attack on our Facebook feeds.

I guess the broad, unfunny, predictable

and obvious meme culture goes

hand in hand with these things when you think about it.

Let's have a look at some of the particularly hilarious

and random ones.

Like if you're single

share if

yourur

in a relationship.

What does minions have to do with this?

Laughing so hard no noise coming out

so you there clapping like a seal.

What does that even mean?

No way God, I did not do that.

Oh, that?

Yes well, yes I did do that.

Oh it's that baby picture again for some reason.

That's not meant to be in here.

I don't suffer from insanity

I enjoy every minute of it.

There is nothing funny about being insane.

Being mentally ill to the point of being classed as insane

is quite literally the opposite of funny

and is one of the scariest, most horrible ailments

I can think of.

Your pathetic, desperate attempt to be quirky

and misuse of the term

makes me want to poison myself.

So many suffer alone.

Let's say a prayer today for every person

battling depression.

Share if you agree.

There's a cruel, ignorant irony to this picture

and again

why is a minion on this fucking thing?

And I have yet to even talk about the worst thing of all.

I'm speaking in broad terms because

I think this might actually be

the worst thing I've ever talked about before.

And that thing is minion art and fanfiction.

"Come on partner, you can ask her out.

By the way there is a balcony there," Stuart said.

Dave blushed but looked at his partner and knew

that he needs to do it.

So he did.

He walked towards Margo and the girls and started

tugging her dress.

"Hey what? Oh hi Dave," Margo

greeted Dave with a smile.

Dave smiled back and he said

"Uh Margo, can I ask you out on a date?"

Dave asked. Margo looked in his eyes and started

kissing the little minion's cheek.

"Of course. By the way, I broke up with Antonio

but now I think you're cute."Margo said.

Dave smiled and held her hand

leading her towards the balcony.

So that's an exert from

A Minion Love Story from fanfiction.net

Yes

for real.

Someone wrote that.

And I really hope you like other mind-blowingly

over saturated properties being combined with this one

because here's a minion pony.

(Scream)

And yes, this is also real

as well as being the worst thing ever.

And finally, I'd be doing you a disservice

if I at least didn't mention

minion yaoi.

A DeviantArt group for people who love

gay minions.

With such classics as,

sexy Kevin,

viewer discretion advised

and Barry the bee from Bee Movie

who is voiced by Jerry Seinfeld,

slurping all over Kevin

who I guess is a named minion.

And then there's this baby again

I really don't know.

Minions are the token example of

what I hate about kids movies.

Usually it's to be expected that the

annoying side character that is used for nothing but

comic relief is limited to some extent.

Not multiplied x100 and given their own movie.

They are a visual summary of everything wrong with

idiotic, thoughtless children's comedy

because why actually try?

When appealing to the lowest common denominator

with random, goofy, cute and slapstick

humour is much easier.

You wanna know the worst part of all of this

is that they ruined the word minion

which was a word I used to use often and regularly.

So fuck you for that.

So those are my thoughts on minions.

I really hope by the time that this video is up

everyone is sick of them as much as I am

so maybe there will be less idiots in the comments

than usual,

although I highly doubt it.

Well I guess at least a minion Comment Comeback

is going to be interesting.

So what do you think?

Are you fed up with minions

or do you like their simplistic design?

Do you have a mindless, angry statement

with absolutely no back up for why I'm wrong

that you'd comment without me prompting you anyway?

Whatever it is, tell me in the comments below.

And as always, thanks for watching,

all comments and ratings are very much appreciated.

Make sure you check out some of my other videos

and second channel JAR Media for more craziness.

I'll se you next time.

Bye.

Took me about 20 minutes to make this pulp.

Was it worth it?

Nope.

It's like if a

if a thesaurus threw up.

Let's see if we can make out one of these words.

Emergency.

Yeah this is a fucking dire emergency I'll tell you what.

The Description of I HATE MINIONS