[Crying] I don't like anything!
Mom and dad suck!
Aunt Despair: Well, there's no doubt about it.
Our daughter is a twat.
Tired of not being able to keep your child under control?
[Incessant whining]
This is what the morning after pill is for, you know.
Well fear not, for we have the perfect solution.
Try 80's movies.
The 80's were a time when all children's media wanted to do was scare the shit out of you.
And now you can bring their horrendous horrors to your home.
Hey, honey! Wanna see cute little mousies in the Secret of Nimh?
[laughter]
Mrs. Brisby: "My husband's dead and my child is dying,
everything is trying to kill me
and my family is drowning to death!
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"
Think your kid's upset?
Wait till she sees a decapitated woman chasing a little girl in The Return to Oz.
♫ Dorothyyyyyyyyyyyyy Gaaaaaaallle ♫ [Screaming]
From little monsters
to the witches
to something wicket this way comes.
80's films tried to scare life lessons into your child's nightmares
to the point where the can't even remember what those life lessons are.
Atreyu: "Artax! Noooooo!"
But can't we get in trouble for showing our kids that?
No problem. Most 80's films have a PG rating
but that was back when it actually stood for something.
Nowadays, it stands for practically G.
So, you can plead naive innocence to your cruelty.
[cheesy 80's infomercial music plays]
Judge Doom: "When I killed your brother, I talked"
[in increasingly high cartoony pitch] "Just...like...THIIIIIIIS!"
[softly] Death... Endless despair... Sadness....
80's no...
Aunt Despair: Will she ever socialize again?
If she does just show her Watership Down.
Thanks, 80s movies!
What made me a stronger human being will scar my kids for life!
It burns.
80s movies.
[Ding]
[Nostalgia Critic intro theme]
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it so you don't have to.
We see a lot of stars in our lifetime.
Some old, some new.
Some shine brighter than others.
We know that eventually every star has to disappear.
But when one that shined so uniquely fades,
the sky doesn't feel the same without it.
Especially when it orbited a solar system of other uniquely shining stars
that brought us a galaxy of wonder that we still look in awe at today.
And just in time for it's 30th anniversary, we're going to look at that galaxy.
This is Labyrinth.
This is a film that's certainly been no stranger in the past
yet Labyrinth has never been given a full Nostalgia Critic review.
On the one hand, you can see why. It's a good movie.
Directed by Jim Henson, written by Terry Jones, produced by George Lucas
and with songs by the film's antagonist, the late David Bowie.
But on the other hand, it's such a strange and out there flick
that it's impossible not to shake your head and laugh at the surreal drug overdose that you're experiencing.
It deserves to be talked about and that's exactly what we're going to do.
So experience the wonder and...huh?
Of one of the strangest films to ever come out in the 80s.
Let's take a look at Labyrinth.
["Underground" by David Bowie plays]
Wow, The Owls of Ga'Hoole doesn't hold up as well as I thought.
Actually, that's just the opening credits.
Leading us to a girl named Sarah, played by Jennifer Connelly
Doing Shakespeare in the park all by herself while reciting lines to a perched owl and her dog.
That's...just what I imagined a girl who looks like Jennifer Connelly would do.
[Bell rings] "I don't believe it! It's seven o' clock!"
Because every 80s kids film has to start with the main character being late for something
she finds she's late for babysitting her brother, Toby
and her mother's shoulder pads are not happy about this at all.
Mother: "You're an hour late!"
Sarah: "I said I'm sorry!" --"Please let me finish!"
Father: "We were worried about you!"
[baby crying] Sarah: "I can't do anything right can I?!"
Yeah, as you probably noticed very quickly, our main character is a bit of a pain in the ass.
"There was a beautiful young girl who's stepmother always made her stay home with the baby."
She's like a one person Facebook argument.
She even gets upset if her teddy bear is not in the right place.
"Lancelot! Someone has been in my room again!"
"I hate that!"
[yells] "I HATE IT!"
"The first sign of accepting my white privilege is acting like I hate it!"
"I hate you! I HATE YOU!" [Baby crying]
Future Oscar winner everybody...
Couldn't you just...predict it?
"You really wanted to talk to me didn't you? Practically broke down the door!"
Granted her performance does get better as the film goes on but for the first ten minutes,
you can pretty much call her "Hayden Connelly".
[irritably] "There's nothing to talk about!"
Anakin: "You brought him here to kill me!"
[overdramatic] "Someone take me away from this awful place!"
[underwhelming] "From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!"
[Thunder rumbles] "I can bear it no longer!"
"You underestimate my power."
Though to be fair she does go in and out of a British accent like Carrie Fisher.
"You really wanted to talk to me."
"Knock it off."
"I wish the goblins would come and take you--."
Maybe Lucas productions have a weird British accent virus.
"Goblin King, Goblin King, wherever you may be,
take this child of mine far away from me!"
[Chuckles] Man, there are so many medications she would be on today.
"You know what you need, honey?"
Sarah: "Magic and mystery?"
"No, Xolaf and Riddelin, just mix it in with the liquid tranquilizer."
[Baby crying] Sarah: "Oh, Toby! Stop it!"
Nostalgia Critic: Is my lullaby not working?
"No, I mustn't...I mustn't say."
So, she offers up her baby brother to the Goblin King...
Again, as most teenagers do...
But supporters from a Trump Rally intercept the message
and somehow make everything she was talking about come true.
[loud booming]
Nostalgia Critic: HOGWARTS CALLING BIACTH!!!!
And there he is in all his Bowie-ness!
Look at that hair! By god it's like a tribble ate a watermelon then died on top of Tilda Swinton's head.
Sparkle, goddamn, sparkle.
Sarah: "You're the Goblin King. I want my brother back."
"Forget about the baby."
"I can't, it isn't that I don't appreciate what you're trying to do for me."
"I'm very thankful you're kidnapping my brother and sexually awakening me
but I just can't!"
"I've brought you... a gift."
Nostalgia Critic: FUCKING BUBBLES!
[hissing]
[gasping in fright]
[raspy growling]
[snickering]
Jesus! I don't think I like this new version of Mary Poppins.
"He's there. In my castle. Do you still want to look for him?"
Sarah: "Is that the castle beyond the Goblin City?"
Nostalgia Critic: [imitating Bowie] "No that's a painting, that's a model, and that's a very poor blue screen effect
But what do you care? I'm David Bowie."
"You have thirteen hours in which to solve the labyrinth
[voice echoing] before your baby brother becomes one of us...forever."
So, Sarah is pretty accepting of the whole goblins being real and one of them looking like a male Cruella De Vil.
As she begins her journey through the mysterious and whimsical Labyrinth.
[pitter patter sound]
[sarcastic] A world of magic as you can see
"Oh, uhh, excuse me!"
This creature's name is Hoggle.
Who spends most of his time finding beautiful fairies and gassing them.
God, I love 80s films.
"You monster... ahh! It bit me!"
"What'd ya expect fairies to do?"
"Like granting wishes."
"Shows what you know, don't it?"
"I'd tried to say I don't believe in them
but then the Gay Pride parade comes around and suddenly they all come back to life!"
"Thanks for nothing, Hogwart."
[angrily] "It's Hoggle!"
"Christ, do you want to get sued?!"
While that's going on, the Goblin King partakes in...
What I can only describe as a Muppet show musical number starring David Bowie.
♪ Dance, magic dance ♪
♪ Put that baby's spell on me ♪
The song is obviously the catchiest in the film and the puppet work is great too.
Though, let's be honest. The greatest puppet work is what's going on in David Bowie's pants.
The jokes made from us about the ferret he was so kind enough to give a home between his legs
are too many to count.
In my opinion, I have already worked overtime for it.
So, because of this, I am refusing to do my top 10 David Bowie dick jokes for this review.
It has to be top 15.
[William Tell Overture: Finale plays]
I've seen less stuffing in a thanksgiving turkey!
Is that Gonzo's nose in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Someones got a rocket in their pocket!
If you have an erection that lasts more than 4 hours, you're probably David Bowie.
You shoulda seen the NC-17 cut.
Ground control to major Tom, GET OFF THE BLUE PILL!
Major Tom to ground control, tell my wife I love her very much.
Major Tom to ground control, I think my spaceship knows which way to go.
It's the missing Muppet: Stiffy!
You think that was puppeted by Frank Oz?
I'm gearing up for the Prestige, want to see my Tesla coil?
"You like hotdogs, don't you?"
Special Delivery! Careful, big package.
Any tighter and those pants will be a thong!
And the #1 David Bowie dick joke is...
Don't touch it! It's a Bowie constrictor!
Play me off, Paul!
[band music plays]
Sarah comes across the old riddle of one path that leads onward and another that leads to certain death.
With one guard who always tells the truth and one who always lies.
Guard: "One of us always tells the truth and one of us always lies."
Then wouldn't the guy who just talked be telling the truth?
He can't lie that one of them always lies and one of them always tells the truth
because if he did, he'd be telling the truth.
I just ruined this scene for you! Tune in next time when I show you how Star Wars is actually about pedophilia!
She thinks she'd figured out the riddle but she should have tried door number 2!
[screaming]
However she gets saved by some literal helping hands.
[overlapping voices] "Come on, which way?"
Sarah: "Which way?"
"Up or down?"
NC: "Okay, half of you hands are alright but the other half have a serious lawsuit coming!"
[imitating Helping Hands] "Aww, come on!
We just got over the one from Sigourney Weaver!"
She runs into Hoggle again, who says he can help her get out the cave.
Hoggle: "This way."
Rock Face: [gravelly voice] "Don't go on..."
Rock Face 2: "Go back while you still can!"
Olmec: "Legends of the Hidden Temple!"
"Oh, that's just Olmec, he always says that!"
But one stone seems particularly sparkly.
Goblin: "What have we here?"
Hoggle: [nervous] "Uhh...uhh... nothing!"
"Nothing?"
"Nothing?"
"Nothing? Tra-la-la?"
Even for Bowie, that was a weird thing to say.
"Tra-la-la?"
"That technically counts as a song! Residuals."
"If I thought for one second that you would betray me
I would be forced to suspend you head first into the Bog of Eternal Stench."
"No! Your Majesty!"
[exclaims] Okay! You're actually giving us that visual, huh?
You just had to move one phallic device closer to another phallic device.
Alright, I have a file cabinet full of these.
The glowing orb in his hand is nothing compared to the one is his pants!
Just remember there is an entire internet full of dick jokes for you. I will never run out.
He sends a giant can opener after them
but they of course escape and come across, what a shock, something weird.
"Woo, woo, woo!"
Goblin: "Ahh!"
Bird: "Ehh."
Goblin: "Ahh."
[mumbles] "Oh yes..."
Bird: "Hey."
Goblin: "Okay." Bird: "Okay."
Goblin: "Alright." Bird: "Alright."
Goblin: "Hmm...What?"
Bird: "Sorry."
[snoring]
All in favor of fast-forwarding this part--
thank you!
Sarah comes across some sort of creature being tortured by little goblins.
Though she feels she shouldn't get involved in Muppet politics, she still decides to save him.
Ludo: [deep garbled voice] "...Friend?"
"That's right, Ludo. I'm Sarah."
"Hmm...Sar-rah."
I think this is the Balrog's slower cousin, Hair-clog.
While that's going on, we, rather pointlessly, cut back to David Bowie just still being David Bowie.
Nostalgia Critic: [imitates goblin] "So...is this all we do?"
"I kinda figured there'd be a lot more goblining..."
"Quiet! Or he'll whip his Ziggy Stardust out again!"
This edit seems particularly strange seeing how he just appears in the next scene anyway.
But you know what? They had David Bowie! They were going to use him as much as they want. Wouldn't you?
"Give her this."
So he gives Hoggle a poisoned fruit to give to Sarah
after making fun of the fact that she can never find someone as ugly as him likable.
"You don't think a young girl could ever like a repulsive little scab like you?"
[imitates Hoggle] "Hey, come on! We can't all look like Skimbleshanks from Cats."
"You'll give her that, Hoggle or I'll tip you straight into the Bog of Eternal Stench before you can blink!"
Hoggle: [winces]
"If she ever kisses you, I'll turn you into a prince."
"Prince of the Land of Stench!"
REALLY riding that stench angle. I think it's going to be the catchphrase of the movie.
"Tra-la-la?"
So, Sarah, while wondering through the forest seems to come across--Oh...that's unfortunate.
♪ Think small with the Fire Gang ♪
That's um...
That's unfortunate.
You know, there's a reason most of Henson's effects were practical and didn't involve blue screen,
because that...
That, all of that. That's the exact reason why.
♪ Your chin is dragging on the ground ♪
♪ (Dragging on the ground) ♪
And the funny thing is, this scene ties into nothing.
I mean, literally! Nothing!
Even the song is the most forgettable in the film.
You could cut it and not a thing would be affected in the story.
You know the editor must have been like:
Bill: "Mr. Henson, we have to cut this scene."
Jim Henson: "Aw, but we worked so hard on it."
"It's entirely pointless!"
"But at least we showed we could do it."
"No, you didn't! I'm waiting any minute for Tim Curry to fly in and sing a song!"
"Bill..."
[film audio plays]
"Could you do it for Kermit?"
"Oh, God. Don't do this..."
Kermit: [cheerfully] "You can't say no to me, Bill."
"I can't say no to Kermit..."
"Bill,
I would REALLY like this scene to stay in the movie, Bill."
"Pretty pleeeeeeeease?"
"Okay! For you, Kermit!"
"Yaaaaaaaaay!"
"Now, let's all sing the Alphabet song!"
♪ A, B, C, D, E, F--♪
Bill: ♪ Cookie Monster ♪
[yells] "I've had to put up with that bullshit for years!
It's G!
Cookie Monster isn't even a letter! It's a man!
It's a fricken man with a sock on his ha--!
I-I mean, uh, uh..."
[calmer] "G."
[softly] "Yaaaaaaaaay..."
"Don't ever touch me, Bill."
"Sorry!"
"That was Rizzo the Rat's mistake."
"Oh..."
[uncomfortable silence]
So, Sarah escapes from being...weirded to death.
But she kisses Hoggle, which, I guess, means they're sent to the Bog of Eternal Stench.
Man, that Goblin King really means the fine print!
"Tra-la-la?"
They come across a fox named Didymus who...
[growling]
Yeah, not a fan.
But he does help them get across the bridge.
[farting sounds]
Oh, lovely. It sounds like half the dialogue in a Rob Schneider movie.
But Hoggle is reminded to give Sarah the poisoned fruit.
"Hoggle, what have you done?"
"Oh, damn you, Jareth!"
Why is it not that hard to imagine Bowie saying
"Now I'LL be fairest in the land!"
[thunder rumbles]
The fruit doesn't kill her but instead gives a vision of...
Hold on, I'm sure I got a ball joke in here somewhere.
Yeah, that'll do.
So it looks like the Goblin King's plan is not really as diabolical as confusing.
He gives her a fantasy where she's at an elegant ball in a big poofy dress
and she gets to dance with a powerful sexy man.
I think that's girl porn in a nutshell.
In fact, wasn't that on one of those porn for women calendars?
♪ As the pain sweeps through ♪
♪ Makes no sense for you ♪
The song itself is relaxing and a soothing tune,
but with the visuals, it looks like what every girl sees after taking a drink from Bill Cosby.
[glass shattering and people screaming]
But Sarah says no to her symbolically suggested pedophilia
as her string harness lands her safely on the ground.
Bowie, to quote Tony Stark:
"Not a great plan."
She ends up in the dump of broken plot threads where Yoda's grandma tries to lead her in the right direction.
"It was just a dream..."
"I dreamed it all, Lancelot."
Uh, yeah. You really got me there, movie. With...no resolution, no 3rd act and a...
Half hour of running time left.
I'm sure this was all just a drea--what a surprise.
Junk Lady: "There's nothing you want out there!"
Sarah says no to her representations of teenage consumerism,
meets her friends back up on McGuffin Rock and reaches the entrance to the Goblin City.
[exclaims] "Well, let them all wake up!"
[metal clanging]
[shushing]
"I shall fight you all to the death!"
[sleepy mumbling]
Oh, it's the guy who handles abusive reports on Twitter.
Nostalgia Critic: "I'd like to report a threat on my life!"
[sleepy mumbling]
They do manage to get in but they then come across another threat.
Sarah: "Watch out!"
Ludo: [snarls]
A very slow...clumsy...not very threatening threat.
But Hoggle comes in to save the day, which, I guess, excuses the whole poisoned fruit trying to kill you thing.
Hoggle: "Jareth made me give you that peach. I told you I was a coward."
[softly] "I forgive you, Hoggle."
"You do?"
"You didn't mind that I poisoned you?"
"Hey, you got me a dance with David Bowie. We're square."
They go inside and come across even more phallic imagery but Jareth is tired of being patient
and definitely not tired of the phallic imagery
so he does what he should have done pretty much from the very beginning: send out a bunch of guards after her.
But it's okay, because Hodor's pubic hair growls which summons a bunch of rocks after them.
[yelling]
Not since the Ewoks destroyed the Empire has an army been so embarrassingly taken down.
Goblin: "Get out of my house!" [glass shattering]
[frantic yelling]
Nostalgia Critic: "Curses! I forgot they had rocks."
So they get inside the castle but Sarah insists that she needs to go in alone.
"I have to face him alone."
Didymus: "But why?"
Hoggle: "Yes..."
"Because that's the way it's done."
"Well...if that is the way it is done, then that is the way you must do it."
[imitates Didymus] "Onward to your cliché! Remember us in the nonsensical reunion at the end."
So, Sarah plays "Where's Waldo?", M.C. Escher edition, as Bowie proves what we've known all along...
That he's actually a hologram.
I knew it! No man that awesome could exist!
The funny thing is, even though he sings a cool song and partakes in some really pretty damn amazing effects
he looks sad throughout the majority of it.
For such a shaky motivation, he becomes so suddenly emotional.
♪ I...I...♪
♪ Can't live ♪
♪ Within you ♪
Nostalgia Critic:"I'm just upset that I won't be able to meet every girl I give a sexual awakening to.
Don't worry, ladies. I will visit you all in your dreams."
"I'm not even joking, I can really do that."
"Give me the child."
Jareth: "but I can be cruel."
But alas, it's time to finally hear his evil plan.
Jareth: "Just fear me..."
"Love me. Do as I say and I will be your slave."
That makes no sense.
How can she submit to you and yet you be her slave?
Unless this is a...50 Shades of Grey kind of thing, which, to be fair if there's any man who can pull that off!
[slowly] "You have no power over me."
Nostalgia Critic: [imitates Bowie] "Noo! Our budget ran out so we couldn't film a climax!"
"I am the man who sold the world!"
So she recites the words from her book and everything goes back to normal.
Toby is back, the parents return home,
and somehow all her magical friends are in her room to celebrate by singing the villain song.
["Magic Dance" by David Bowie plays]
[laughing and cheering]
Or at least, that would be a nice ending if we didn't know what was actually going on this entire time.
Father: "Sarah, we're home!"
"Did you have a good--?"
[yells] "Dear God!"
"Honey, she's got into the pain meds again!"
[garbled] ♪ Dance magic dance ♪
Well, okay! It doesn't make as much sense as Sarah reading a book that comes to life
because she doesn't want to babysit her brother
resulting in her fantasizing about David Bowie's space oddity
and reciting the words from the book makes it all go away.
Actually it does...
A lot.
While the story doesn't always make sense and it does have trouble staying focused,
Labyrinth is an obvious excuse just to play with amazing visuals and cool ideas.
However, on top of that, there really is a lot of charm to it.
The characters are simple, but likable,
the imagination is beyond inspiring,
and, of course, David Bowie steals the show in every frame he's in.
He just embodies the mystery, strangeness and all around coolness of who he was in this performance.
It's great to see so much effort from so many talented people come together to give us something, not perfect,
but passionate and full of wonder.
Sure, it can be weird and awkward at times,
but it's technology is spectacular, it's simple storytelling endearing, and it's ability to suck us into another world
whether through bizarre visuals or bizarre performances, is fricken awesome!
Check it out and get your magic dance on once more.
I'm the Nostalgia Critic and wild as the wind, baby!
[Nostalgia Critic theme plays]
"Tra-la-la?"
