I hate clothes, okay?
I hate buying them,
I hate picking them out of my closet.
I can't stand every day
trying to come up with little outfits for myself.
I think, eventually, fashion won't even exist.
It won't. I think, eventually,
we'll all be wearing the same thing.
Because any time I see a movie or a TV show
where there's people
from the future or another planet,
they're all wearing the same thing.
Somehow, they decided,
"This is going to be our outfit.
"One-piece silver jump suit,
V-stripe and boots. That's it."
We should come up with an outfit for Earth.
An Earth outfit.
We should vote on it,
candidates propose different outfits,
They walk out, twirl, walk off.
We just sit in the audience and go,
That was nice. I could wear that."
I think I've seen enough.
Well, I might have something in the back.
The back? They never find anything in the back.
If they had anything good, they'd put it out in the front.
Why don't they open up an entire store for the back?
Call it "Just Back."
You walk in the front, you're immediately in the back.
Look, Elaine. Tie carwash.
Oh, I just read that. That's terrific.
Her father wrote that.
Alton Benes is your father?
I always felt he deserved a wider audience.
I'm not so sure he wants one.
Hey, don't forget Sunday, okay?
You and George are coming, right? Hotel Westbury, 8:00.
Yeah, I guess I'm coming. I mean...
What? What, you don't want to go now?
No, I'll go. I'm going.
No, Jerry you have to. I need a buffer.
You know, I haven't seen my father in a while...
I'm worried I won't be able to talk to him.
He's such a great writer.
Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits.
So that's why we're not together anymore.
Pfft. Aah! Aah!
What is this?
This is beautiful.
These jackets never fit me right.
Try it on.
This is soft suede.
This may be
the most perfect jacket I have ever put on.
How much is it?
You have no idea.
I have some idea.
No idea. I've got a ballpark.
There is no park, and the team has relocated.
Let me see that.
That is high.
Oh, man, that is a beautiful jacket, though.
What's with the pink lining with the candy stripes?
I don't know, it's just a lining,
you can always have it changed.
Should I get it?
I hate these moments.
I'm hearing the dual voices now, you know.
"What about the money?" "What's money?"
It looks wonderful on you.
[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]
[SHUTS OFF TV]
What do you think?
It's beautiful. Is it me?
That's definitely you.
That's more you than you've ever been.
Hey, what is with the pink lining?
I don't know. It's got a pink lining.
So, what did you pay for this?
I paid what it costs.
-How much? -What's the difference?
What, you're not gonna tell me?
I'd rather not say it out loud. It's embarrassing.
Yes, but let's just stop it right there.
It's over 400?
I'm really not answering anymore.
Is it over 400? Would you...?
I know. I know.
What are you going to do with the leather one?
I don't know.
Are you going to wear it?
I don't know, maybe.
You're not going to wear this.
Do you want it?
Uh, yeah, okay, I'll take it.
I like that jacket.
Okay. Take it.
good karma for you.
♪ Master of the house Doling out the charm ♪
♪ Ready with the handshake And an open palm ♪
♪ Tells a saucy tale Loves to make a stir ♪
What is that song?
Everyone appreciates a bon-- ♪
It's from "Les Misérables."
I went to see it last week. I can't get it out of my head.
I just keep singing it over and over.
It just comes out. I have no control over it.
I'm singing it on elevators, buses,
singing it in front of clients.
It's taking over my life.
You know, Schumann went mad from that.
Artie Schumann from Camp Hatchapee?
No, you idiot.
What are you, Bud Abbott?
What are you calling me an idiot for?
You don't know Robert Schumann, the composer?
Oh, Schumann. Of course.
He went crazy from one note.
Couldn't get it out of his head.
I think it was an A.
He kept repeating it over and over again.
He had to be institutionalized.
Well, what if it doesn't stop?
Oh, that I really needed to hear.
That helps a lot.
All right, just say something.
Just start talking.
Change the subject.
Let's just go, all right?
I can't believe we're having dinner with Alton Benes.
I know exactly what's gonna happen tonight.
I'm gonna try and act like I'm not impressed.
He's gonna see through it.
Yeah, he'll be looking at us
like he's backstage at a puppet show.
Let me just get my jacket.
♪ Master of the house Keeper of the inn-- ♪
This is huge.
When did this happen?
This jacket has completely changed my life.
When I leave the house in this,
it's with a whole different confidence.
Like, tonight I might have been a little nervous,
but inside this jacket,
I am composed, grounded,
secure that I can meet any social challenge.
Can I say one thing to you?
And I say this with an unblemished record
of staunch heterosexuality.
And I'll tell you something else.
I'm not even gonna ask you.
I want to know, but I'm not gonna ask.
You'll tell me when you feel comfortable.
So, what was it, 400?
Five hundred? Did you pay 500 for this?
Can't be 7.
Don't tell me you paid $700 for this jacket.
Did you pay $700?
Is that what you're saying to me?
You are sick!
Is that what you paid for this jacket?
What did you pay for this jacket?
I won't say anything.
I want to know what you paid for this jacket.
Oh, my God!
A thousand dollars?
You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket.
All right, fine,
I'm walking out of here right now
thinking you paid
a thousand dollars for this jacket,
unless you tell me different.
All right, I'll tell you what,
if you don't say anything in the next five seconds,
I'll know it was over a thousand.
Hey. Hey, will you do me a solid?
Well, what kind of solid?
Sit in the car two minutes while it's double-parked.
I gotta pick up some birds.
Yeah, a friend of mine, he's a magician,
he's going away and asked me to take care of his doves.
So take a cab.
They won't take a cage full of birds.
I can't, I'm on my way out. There's no way I can do it.
George, do me a solid. Two minutes.
Well, I'm going with him.
I'd like to.
I've never done a solid before.
All right. I'll... Yeah.
All right, have a good one.
Believe me, I know his two minutes.
By his conception of time,
his life will last over 2000 years.
♪ Master of the house Quick to catch your eye ♪
♪ Never wants a passerby To pass him by... ♪
Where are they?
Maybe he didn't show up.
What, you don't want to do this?
I don't think there's ever been an appointment in my life
where I wanted the other guy to show up.
Wait a second. Is that him?
Yeah. I think it is.
Excuse me, Mr. Benes.
I'm Jerry, Elaine's friend.
This is George.
It's a great thrill to meet you, sir.
Want a drink?
What will you have?
I'll have a cranberry juice with two limes.
And, uh, I'll have a club soda with no ice.
I'll have another scotch with plenty of ice.
You like ice.
I said, do you like ice?
Don't you find that you get more without it?
Well, we thought she was meeting you earlier.
She's usually pretty punctual.
Don't you find that, George?
Yeah. Yeah, she's, uh... She's punctual.
She's been late sometimes.
Sometimes she's on time,
and...sometimes she's late.
today, she's late.
It appears that way.
Looks like rain.
I know, I know. That's what they said.
Uh, the weather guy, Dr. Waldo.
I don't need anybody to tell me it's going to rain.
Oh, no. Of course not. I--
All I have to do is stick my head out the window.
Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?
Oh, he's the comedian.
I-- I'm just a regular person.
Nah, nah. He's just being modest.
We had a funny guy with us in Korea.
A tail gunner.
They blew his brains out all over the Pacific.
There's nothing funny about that.
Would you excuse me a minute?
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.
I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game.
I thought it was just brilliant.
Yeah, well, maybe some parts.
Oh, my gosh.
I just realized I have to make a phone call.
I can't believe... Would you--? I'll...
I'll be right back.
Thank you for leaving me alone with him.
That was brutal.
I can't go back out there.
Well, let's just leave.
Elaine will kill me.
Where is she?
She's got to be here soon.
How could she leave us alone with this lunatic?
10 more minutes, and that's it.
I have to tell you, this guy scares me.
The waiter was trembling.
If she doesn't show up,
we can't possibly have dinner with him alone.
How are we gonna get out of it?
We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home.
Yeah. That's good.
He'd clunk our heads together like Moe.
I don't know.
Just...start scratching. Tell him you have the crabs.
He was in the military. He'll understand that.
All fathers are intimidating.
They're intimidating because they are fathers.
Once a man has children,
for the rest of his life,
his attitude is, "The hell with the world.
"I can make my own people.
"I'll eat whatever I want,
"I'll wear whatever I want,
and I'll create whoever I want."
Who'd you call?
My...uh, uncle is, um... having an operation.
I just wanted to see how he was.
What kind of an operation?
Message for you.
She got tied up.
She'll be here in 30 minutes.
ALTON: Yeah, they should have
taken care of Castro when they had the chance,
Like we did in Guatemala in '53.
You boys get yourselves together.
We'll head up to the restaurant.
I'll leave a note for Elaine.
I'm going to the bathroom.
-Come on. Let's go. -What about Elaine?
-Hell with Elaine. -She'll be furious.
We're dying here!
That's her. She's here.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Where is Dad?
[IMITATING ALTON] He's in the bathroom.
Where have you been?
Kramer. That Kramer.
I'm just about to leave. He calls me up.
He begs me to sit in his car for two minutes
so he can pick up these...birds.
Oh, you didn't?
Well, he said he'd drive me here right after.
So I am sitting in his car for 20 minutes!
He doesn't come down. I am freezing.
Then a cop comes by. Tells me to get out of the car.
He's a city marshal.
He's towing the car away.
Kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets.
He was going to tow it with me in the car.
So they tow the car.
Now I am standing outside, and I am freezing,
but I cannot leave
because I gotta tell him what happened to the car.
So finally, he-- Finally, he comes down
with this giant cage filled with doves.
He said he was getting special instructions,
that each dove has a different diet.
So we're wandering around, trying to get a cab,
when two of these doves fly out.
Now we're running down the street after these doves.
I almost got hit by a bus.
So how's everything going over here?
Couldn't be better.
Because Dad can make some people a little uncomfortable.
Get out of here.
Man, Kramer. I could kill him.
You know better than to get involved with Kramer.
He said he'd give me a lift.
Ah, the lift.
Like the lure of the siren's song.
Never what it seems to be,
yet who among us can resist?
Where do you come up with this stuff?
Well, look who's here.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Who's the lipstick for?
How's your mother?
How about you? Are you working?
Yeah. I'm reading manuscripts for Pendant Publishing.
I told you 10 times.
Pendant? Those bastards.
Well, all right, boys.
We're going to
that Pakistani restaurant on 46th Street.
You're not afraid of a little spice, are you?
♪ Master of the house Doling out the charm ♪
♪ Ready with the handshake And an open-- ♪
Pipe down, chorus boy.
Ooh, it's snowing.
Snow, that can't be good for suede, can it?
I wouldn't think so.
What should I do?
We're taking a cab, aren't we?
It's only five blocks.
Why don't you turn it inside out?
Inside out. Great.
Wait a minute.
What the hell do you call this?
I turned my jacket inside out.
Well, you look like a damn fool.
Well, it's a new suede jacket.
It might get ruined.
You're not walking down the street
with me and my daughter dressed like that.
That's for damn sure.
It's only a few blocks.
Come on up.
-I got to feed the birds. -So?
You got any of those Mini Ritzes?
I can't believe that I do.
-What, are you going out? -Yeah.
Hey, where's your new jacket?
Oh, what did you do to it?
I was out in the snow last night.
Don't you know what that does to suede?
I have an idea.
We can make the 9:30 at Cinema Three.
Listen, thanks again for coming last night.
Dad said he had a great time.
Is he's still in town?
No, he's driving back to Maryland tonight.
So, uh, what are you going to do with that one now?
I don't know.
I didn't want to tell you this,
but usually he hates everyone.
You going to throw this out?
Well, I can't wear it.
Yeah, he liked you, though.
Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea.
Well, if you're just gonna throw it out,
you know, I could take it.
Yeah. Go ahead. Take it.
Dad thinks George is gay.
Oh, because of all the singing?
No. He pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
Hey. See, I like it like this.
Is this from the snow last night?
You know what you should have done?
You should have turned it inside out.
I'll try and remember that.
Boy, it's too bad you gave me this one too.
Yeah. Too bad.
I'm going to have to do something about this lining.
♪ Master of the house Turning on the charm ♪
♪ Ready with a handshake And an open palm ♪
I had a leather jacket that got ruined.
Now, why does moisture ruin leather?
I don't get this.
Aren't cows outside most of the time?
I don't understand this.
When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse,
"Let us in. We're all wearing leather!
"Open the door.
We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
"Is it suede?"
"I am suede. The whole thing is suede.
I can't have this cleaned. It's all I've got."