All rise for the Honorable Judge Joshua the oven
WOOOOO! WOO! WOO!
WOO! WOO! WOO!
Welcome to my place. Alright.
All right party judge in the house. Let's see what we got someone put me in charge
You can sit. You can sit. You can sit. You can sit. You can sit. You in the back, you can sit
Eyepatch you can sit
Cripple you stand all right. What do we got here something about? Uh is this?
Hey, so we you got you got a little hurt huh Oh attempted murder that
That sucks for you. All right cool. You guys ready are both sides ready
Yes your honor. No. No no. Stand stand stand. Taller, there you go
*Mutters* Okay, ask you both sides already. I did that. Announce that Court is in session. Oh Court is in session
It's now time for opening statements. Let's start here with it you can sit now
Not the defendant. Jury: It's a plaintiff. That's a plaintiff. Huh, yeah what yeah okay plaintiff we're gonna start with your your opening statement. All right
Wait hold on hold on hold on. Oh how many fingers am I holding up -
Two, sir. okay, you can' see just making sure go ahead
it's hot in here anyone else hot in here
May it, please the court your honor jurors good morning
Video games are a tool for fun
They are for play and all players have a responsibility to uphold
IRL as you can see by my clients
Excuse me. Can I have more adjectives describing his face, please?
Not great for tinder no yeah. Yeah, okay now
I'd like to paint the picture of the defendant Wesley aka, Wes IRL
Johnson of Smosh games
His violent outrage the afternoon of December 16, 2017.
It was in the fifth round of the game in question "gang beasts."
That's gang like a gang member your honor now my client a
Producer on the show had nothing to do with the gameplay it was in the fifth round of gang
Beasts that Wes IRL said that his controller was not working. I believe it's pronounced
West Earl, Wes Earl. I'm so sorry your honor. You're absolutely correct, West Earl
proceeded to throw said controller at one
haas of the Smosh games
But instead threw it at my now very ugly
Nasty client Garrett palm
We would like the defendant to pay for all harms and losses suffered by my very
Disgusting client Garrett palm that is all sir. Thank you
Thank you to the
Plaintiff and and who do we have here on the uh?
What's your name? Who's on the plaintiff side. My name is Noah Grossman?
Defendant I'm defending my client. Okay, right yes you yes you may yes
You may rise good afternoon to the judge and the jury today you have heard a case that has been brought
towards my client of
some sort of claim of assault with a deadly weapon and attempted murder I would like to lay the grounds today that that is a
Complete and utter falsehood these claims are not true, and I would like to hereby file for a mistrial
apart from that you have heard my
opposing lawyer here in our opening statement claim that video games are an escape claim that video game players have a
responsibility in real life to uphold
certain values morals and responsibilities.
Now I will paint a picture for you of my client and of the scene that afternoon
There was a game of gang beasts being played
My client who happens to not be very good at this game-Hold that thought. Is he dead, No still alive. all right cool
Thank you, your honor. during the course of the filming of that day the other members of the
Cast I will say were making fun of my client
Instigating him. Oh what kind of jokes?
saying things like
Wesley your banana allergy isn't real and they made fun of his teeth
Because of all the candy he eats although I think that his teeth are perfectly fine overruled
after such instigation my client
Happened to get angry at his controller and toss it towards the ground
He happened to throw it at where Damien Haas was standing
Damien Haas then moved out of the way as this controller was thrown towards his shin it bounced off the ground it then
Rebounded off the floor hitting garrett palm. my client had no aggression towards garrett palm nor any ill-will or attempt to murder anyone
Nor is a game controller
deadly weapon in any
Sort of the word I would like to move for a mistrial and we would like to claim three thousand dollars in fees
for the lawyer provided today
You want three thousand dollars. Yes. He had to hire me. You cost three thousand dollars?
I do cost...how much do those pants cost? These were twenty eight hundred dollars, and I uber'd her. Wow okay
Copy that we would like to move for a mistrial
Gotcha, thank you. He said that a lot
I too would like to make a movement of the bowel if you know what I'm talking about
Alright now. That's let's start with uh with the
Plaintiff that's you do you have any witnesses that you want to call up today? We'd like to bring up Garrett ugly
Mm-hmm is his last name ugly or are you calling him ugly? I'm sorry. I can't even look at him
We'd like to bring up Garrett. Is that why you have the eyepatch on so you don't have to see him in your peripheral
Yes your honor. I'm gonna make note of that that makes sense
Excuse me, sir. I got places to be. Go a little faster
Bailiff: Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go
Please place your right palm on the police station. Yeah, uh-huh it's cuz his last name is palm
do you swear to tell the whole truth a nothing little truth, so help you God I do that means you can't lie
I understand okay alright it looks like you got a head injury. Would you state to the court your name?
Garrett I am a producer for Smosh games
And your relationship to Wesley Wes Earl Johnson. I have to tell him what to do
I am his producer so I make things happen for him. Is one of those things
Calming him down out of his rage. Yes. He's constantly in a rage. It's all the candy. He eats. That much sugar
pulses through his veins at all times after he eats a candy bar or Jolly Ranchers or
Nerds rope it just you could see it in him just like pulsing through his veins and he Hulk's out that doesn't seem healthy
No, it's not your honor. Did you take off your belt? Yeah? It's really
Constricting me. Let's cut off some blood flow sorry continue
And you would know how much candy is on set yes
Because I purchased the candy for him yes now for the toss
in question for somebody to toss this
Controller, which I am going to be passing around...Don't. I don't want to see it
You can see the weight of it
And I'd like for the jurors to feel it now in order for a controller like that to bounce off of the
Up to shin heights the sheer amount of power that needs to go into that is quite robust
He's a strong man. How strong would you say he is... we... how tall? what's his weight? I would say
Currently he should go on a diet objection. That's hearsay
over world objection relevance
Do I have to he looks tall, but overruled wipe that from your memory you do not know if
Wes is in fact tall or not
permission to speak to
Defendant objection my client is not on the witness stand she has no right to talk to him, right
Yeah, sustained you may speak in that general direction
But not at him you're a big guy don't throw shit
Mmm. Thank you. I'm glad somebody stands up for me objection argumentative
Sustained I'm tired of looking at you, so let's move this along no further questions. Okay, don't you wanna hear what happened
No, I guess the other person will ask
Defendant would you like ...would you look...you don't have to look at him. Do you want to talk to him?
I would love to both talk and look at him. Okay. It's not that bad
Garrett palm yes, I see now that you have actually changed frames
Noticed from when I was sitting there that you were wearing a black set of glasses with tape in the center
Why did you feel the need to switch frames? I can't see as well out of these ones uh-uh
Your Honor permission to examine his other set of glasses I believe that they're not even prescription yes. Wear the...wear the gloves
You don't know if there's pus on those. There's nothing nope...There's no pus. Alright you're fine. There's probably pus, Your Honor
I'm not...I'm not pussy
Now, I am wearing a set of high prescription lenses
if these were in fact prescription it will change my vision Your Honor if you can hold up a set of
Fingers so I can identify that I can see right now
You're holding up seven fingers. What's this have with....
Now I will put these glasses over my glasses, and we'll see if I can still identify
Your Honor hold on what does that actually mean?
What does this vision have anything to do with getting hit on the body and on the face?
With a controller that our defendant. You know what I don't know so I kind of want to see where this is going
Overruled if you can now hold up a set of fingers
I should be unable to see you, but let the records see that I can see clearly right now
And you were holding up five fingers hmm these frames in fact are not prescription
Therefore I do not truthfully believe that my client is either a being honest with his claim here
The relevance is to see whether or not... He does not need to see in order to tell the truth I can explain
Your Honor the client should be able to identify who or whom through the controller
And if he is not wearing prescription lenses at the time like he should be prescribed
He would not be able to identify My Client. That is-Objection-I can explain
I would not like you to explain. I'm not asking you any questions on your explanation
I am simply proving that you may or may not have been wearing your frames at the time
I don't need glasses. These are purely-objection. This client is obviously being combative
Yeah, yeah if you're not careful. We're gonna beat you some more. Now Mr. Garrett Palm
I have a couple questions for you
If you say that you are a producer at Smosh game-correct.
Does Wesley employ you or are you employed by Smosh games. I'm employed by Smosh game? Do you have any health insurance provided?
Order in the court, I would like the judge to
Understand that any claim being brought against a specific client who is also employed by Smosh Games
Would be liable under his company therefore his claim should be with the company of Smosh Games
Now I would like to also point out Garret Palm here was talking about sugar Garrett
How much sugar does my client consume on a daily basis. Oh boy. I...I mean
I I don't have an exact number because I do not look at the wrappers that he leaves around the office
But you purchased the candy. but I do I am...or I have somebody go and purchase. I have somebody go and purchase now
Do you watch the table where this candy is held?
Constantly for eight hours during the shoot. No that's not my job. No are you a nutritionist? No that is not my job. Are you a psychologist?
No, that is not my job. How are you...Do you believe that you are
Do you believe that you are qualified to comment on whether or not my client has an aggressive personality. Yes, are you a psychologist?
No, I am NOT
No, further questions your honor ah all right. Hey, I'm so sorry. Can you go move him? Yeah get out of here?
yeah, I'm not that ugly I
I would like to call a Kevin to the stand. who? a Kevin
You heard her. No, God. It's this guy again. Please have a seat and place your hand on a Playstation 4
I will escort you to the jail we will hold you in contempt. We will hold you in a tent. That too
Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but trees so help you God. Blessings to the messiah
Good afternoon you please state your name for the courtroom. Sup. my name is Kevin
I'm 26 years young I got a single coming out next week with my band
Um and I like to skate for the Lord, but if you're talking in terms of things that actually pay me
I drive for Uber and Lyft
Well, what's the name of the single?
It's called blessings.
There's a hashtag in front of it, but you don't pronounce that hashtag. It's just understood
Can you identify a Wesley today and describe his relationship? Um I know him as western theditor, but to be fair
I've only read his name and I'm barely literate mm-hmm, but I think it's that dude that's absent of all melanin.
Let the record show that he has properly identified my very bright client one further question
How would you describe?
my clients general day-to-day
Personality. Um, happy? Um, you know he's a very happy guy, but he's clearly got like his own issues
He does definitely enjoy a fair amount of candy. I don't want to beat that into the ground
I don't feel that it's my place to judge him necessarily. I do want to recognize though, that that is an issue
But you know who isn't without their issues
I once swore so like you know we all have a past mm-hmm one further question. Have you ever?
Experienced a situation where my client has attempted to murder you um, I wouldn't say you know
I'm not like a soothsayer like I can't read minds. I don't know what's up
All I can say is what's in front of me and the things that...Is that a yes or no, has he targeted me
Yes, has he murdered me. No. I have one further question. Uh, have you...
Can we have one closing question uh?
No further questions yeah, thanks Kevin, I'll see you Sunday. What whoa we go to the same church?
Objection as she got up. She farted on us oh
It was very odd. I do feel pressure change in the room. Sustained
Lady fart. I would just like her to apologize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry okay
I had Chipotle only for breakfast. who does Chipotle for breakfast Kevin you mentioned Wes
Behaviors now can I ask you are you a psychiatrist? Uh, yes, I did study for four years at Overland
Do you have a certificate for that not on my person, but I can mail it to you later. Have you ever practiced psychology?
I did for two years
But then I decided I would be better served driving people around getting them to their destination before we all go to our own so
You would say that you you tried to practice it, but you weren't good enough to make it your living
That's why you're...That's not at all what I would say. That's not what I said at all. all right. Are you a nutritionist?
I am indeed
Google offers courses do you have any certificates for that? I do I got certified by Google
I'd like to see evidence on any of these certificates that he's claiming to have?
Your honor, objection. Overruled
Which one is it overruling your objection liking you normally, so let's just get you whatever you want
Thank you your honor. See you Sunday. This courts against me. Obviously he is under oath
So everything he says is obviously true. Let me ask you this Kevin
Are you easily spooked or do you get scared easily? I don't believe in ghosts
I do believe in angels and I feel that they are always with me protecting me from whatever may come my way
So enough you're here, okay, so and if I went
Nothing Your Honor that is badgering my witness
That's quite aggressive
Sustained. It was a good...it was a good test. I'd like to show the jurors
That this man. Who is saying that
This defendant does that?
Your Honor, she's gotta quit
That this defendant who is over and over aggressive
Does nothing to this man because this man doesn't feel any feelings. Oh, good turn around. No further questions, your honor
I'm gonna buy your album though. Yo. Thank you. If you're the first 20, you get it for free
So now we're gonna deliberate in a hundred and forty characters
Please give me your closing arguments. The new smash bros is crazy
giant man aggressive
Ugly very hurt
aggravated assault at best
It's about it. Okay. Oh his company should be liable oh wait. That's my company. Uh... hashtag free my man
All right now now to the jury you look a little shady there in the center
I don't know if I'm gonna trust all of your opinion. What? I'm fly as... I'm on fleek
Kids still say that. You look lie a bad knockoff Macklemore. I'm gonna need you guys to go into the bathroom and deliberate okay
Yeah, why are they going into the bathroom, and why are you still undressing yourself?
All rise for jury verdict
Now that sounds right
We of the jury finds the very handsome defendant innocent of all charges and in a surprise decision we actually find the plaintiff
Guilty of exposing us the jurors to his horrific face
And we sentence him to 10 months
community service with Kevin's
social outreach program "Feels on Wheels"
The sentencing has begun. We'll have to do some community service for ten months
I don't know why he had a head injury if he got hit in the shin
That doesn't make sense to me doesn't make sense to me either so I think that we've done the Lord's work here today
Am I right?
Love you, Kevin
Y'all go home. I got a mojito brunch to get to
Make sure to check out last week's courtroom adventure where we try and prove
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