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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: WES THE PERPETRATOR!

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All rise for the Honorable Judge Joshua the oven

Ovenshire presiding

WOOOOO! WOO! WOO!

WOO! WOO! WOO!

Welcome to my place. Alright.

All right party judge in the house. Let's see what we got someone put me in charge

You can sit. You can sit. You can sit. You can sit. You can sit. You in the back, you can sit

Eyepatch you can sit

Cripple you stand all right. What do we got here something about? Uh is this?

Hey, so we you got you got a little hurt huh Oh attempted murder that

That sucks for you. All right cool. You guys ready are both sides ready

Yes your honor. No. No no. Stand stand stand. Taller, there you go

*Mutters* Okay, ask you both sides already. I did that. Announce that Court is in session. Oh Court is in session

It's now time for opening statements. Let's start here with it you can sit now

Thank you

defendant

you, uh

Not the defendant. Jury: It's a plaintiff. That's a plaintiff. Huh, yeah what yeah okay plaintiff we're gonna start with your your opening statement. All right

Alright

Wait hold on hold on hold on. Oh how many fingers am I holding up -

Two, sir. okay, you can' see just making sure go ahead

it's hot in here anyone else hot in here

May it, please the court your honor jurors good morning

Video games are a tool for fun

They are for play and all players have a responsibility to uphold

Safety

IRL as you can see by my clients

ugly

mummified face

Excuse me. Can I have more adjectives describing his face, please?

deformed and

Not great for tinder no yeah. Yeah, okay now

I'd like to paint the picture of the defendant Wesley aka, Wes IRL

Johnson of Smosh games

His violent outrage the afternoon of December 16, 2017.

It was in the fifth round of the game in question "gang beasts."

That's gang like a gang member your honor now my client a

Producer on the show had nothing to do with the gameplay it was in the fifth round of gang

Beasts that Wes IRL said that his controller was not working. I believe it's pronounced

West Earl, Wes Earl. I'm so sorry your honor. You're absolutely correct, West Earl

proceeded to throw said controller at one

Damien

haas of the Smosh games

But instead threw it at my now very ugly

horrific

Nasty client Garrett palm

Yeah

We would like the defendant to pay for all harms and losses suffered by my very

Disgusting client Garrett palm that is all sir. Thank you

Thank you to the

uhhhhhhhhhhh

Plaintiff and and who do we have here on the uh?

What's your name? Who's on the plaintiff side. My name is Noah Grossman?

Defendant I'm defending my client. Okay, right yes you yes you may yes

You may rise good afternoon to the judge and the jury today you have heard a case that has been brought

towards my client of

some sort of claim of assault with a deadly weapon and attempted murder I would like to lay the grounds today that that is a

Complete and utter falsehood these claims are not true, and I would like to hereby file for a mistrial

apart from that you have heard my

opposing lawyer here in our opening statement claim that video games are an escape claim that video game players have a

responsibility in real life to uphold

certain values morals and responsibilities.

Now I will paint a picture for you of my client and of the scene that afternoon

There was a game of gang beasts being played

My client who happens to not be very good at this game-Hold that thought. Is he dead, No still alive. all right cool

Thank you, your honor. during the course of the filming of that day the other members of the

Cast I will say were making fun of my client

Instigating him. Oh what kind of jokes?

saying things like

Wesley your banana allergy isn't real and they made fun of his teeth

Because of all the candy he eats although I think that his teeth are perfectly fine overruled

after such instigation my client

Happened to get angry at his controller and toss it towards the ground

He happened to throw it at where Damien Haas was standing

Damien Haas then moved out of the way as this controller was thrown towards his shin it bounced off the ground it then

Rebounded off the floor hitting garrett palm. my client had no aggression towards garrett palm nor any ill-will or attempt to murder anyone

Nor is a game controller

deadly weapon in any

Sort of the word I would like to move for a mistrial and we would like to claim three thousand dollars in fees

for the lawyer provided today

HA!

You want three thousand dollars. Yes. He had to hire me. You cost three thousand dollars?

I do cost...how much do those pants cost? These were twenty eight hundred dollars, and I uber'd her. Wow okay

Copy that we would like to move for a mistrial

Gotcha, thank you. He said that a lot

I too would like to make a movement of the bowel if you know what I'm talking about

Alright now. That's let's start with uh with the

Plaintiff that's you do you have any witnesses that you want to call up today? We'd like to bring up Garrett ugly

Mm-hmm is his last name ugly or are you calling him ugly? I'm sorry. I can't even look at him

We'd like to bring up Garrett. Is that why you have the eyepatch on so you don't have to see him in your peripheral

Yes your honor. I'm gonna make note of that that makes sense

Excuse me, sir. I got places to be. Go a little faster

Bailiff: Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go

Please place your right palm on the police station. Yeah, uh-huh it's cuz his last name is palm

do you swear to tell the whole truth a nothing little truth, so help you God I do that means you can't lie

I understand okay alright it looks like you got a head injury. Would you state to the court your name?

Garrett I am a producer for Smosh games

So ugly

And your relationship to Wesley Wes Earl Johnson. I have to tell him what to do

I am his producer so I make things happen for him. Is one of those things

constantly

Calming him down out of his rage. Yes. He's constantly in a rage. It's all the candy. He eats. That much sugar

pulses through his veins at all times after he eats a candy bar or Jolly Ranchers or

Nerds rope it just you could see it in him just like pulsing through his veins and he Hulk's out that doesn't seem healthy

No, it's not your honor. Did you take off your belt? Yeah? It's really

Constricting me. Let's cut off some blood flow sorry continue

And you would know how much candy is on set yes

Because I purchased the candy for him yes now for the toss

in question for somebody to toss this

Controller, which I am going to be passing around...Don't. I don't want to see it

You can see the weight of it

and

And I'd like for the jurors to feel it now in order for a controller like that to bounce off of the

ground

Up to shin heights the sheer amount of power that needs to go into that is quite robust

Yes

He's a strong man. How strong would you say he is... we... how tall? what's his weight? I would say

Currently he should go on a diet objection. That's hearsay

over world objection relevance

Yeah, yeah

sustained

objection speculation

Do I have to he looks tall, but overruled wipe that from your memory you do not know if

Wes is in fact tall or not

permission to speak to

the

Defendant objection my client is not on the witness stand she has no right to talk to him, right

Yeah, sustained you may speak in that general direction

But not at him you're a big guy don't throw shit

Mmm. Thank you. I'm glad somebody stands up for me objection argumentative

Sustained I'm tired of looking at you, so let's move this along no further questions. Okay, don't you wanna hear what happened

No, I guess the other person will ask

Defendant would you like ...would you look...you don't have to look at him. Do you want to talk to him?

I would love to both talk and look at him. Okay. It's not that bad

Garrett palm yes, I see now that you have actually changed frames

yes, I

Noticed from when I was sitting there that you were wearing a black set of glasses with tape in the center

Why did you feel the need to switch frames? I can't see as well out of these ones uh-uh

Your Honor permission to examine his other set of glasses I believe that they're not even prescription yes. Wear the...wear the gloves

You don't know if there's pus on those. There's nothing nope...There's no pus. Alright you're fine. There's probably pus, Your Honor

I'm not...I'm not pussy

Now, I am wearing a set of high prescription lenses

if these were in fact prescription it will change my vision Your Honor if you can hold up a set of

Fingers so I can identify that I can see right now

You're holding up seven fingers. What's this have with....

Now I will put these glasses over my glasses, and we'll see if I can still identify

objection relevance

Your Honor hold on what does that actually mean?

What does this vision have anything to do with getting hit on the body and on the face?

With a controller that our defendant. You know what I don't know so I kind of want to see where this is going

Overruled if you can now hold up a set of fingers

I should be unable to see you, but let the records see that I can see clearly right now

And you were holding up five fingers hmm these frames in fact are not prescription

Therefore I do not truthfully believe that my client is either a being honest with his claim here

Objection. Relevance

The relevance is to see whether or not... He does not need to see in order to tell the truth I can explain

Your Honor the client should be able to identify who or whom through the controller

And if he is not wearing prescription lenses at the time like he should be prescribed

He would not be able to identify My Client. That is-Objection-I can explain

I would not like you to explain. I'm not asking you any questions on your explanation

I am simply proving that you may or may not have been wearing your frames at the time

I don't need glasses. These are purely-objection. This client is obviously being combative

Yeah, yeah if you're not careful. We're gonna beat you some more. Now Mr. Garrett Palm

I have a couple questions for you

If you say that you are a producer at Smosh game-correct.

Does Wesley employ you or are you employed by Smosh games. I'm employed by Smosh game? Do you have any health insurance provided?

Order in the court, I would like the judge to

Understand that any claim being brought against a specific client who is also employed by Smosh Games

Would be liable under his company therefore his claim should be with the company of Smosh Games

Now I would like to also point out Garret Palm here was talking about sugar Garrett

How much sugar does my client consume on a daily basis. Oh boy. I...I mean

I I don't have an exact number because I do not look at the wrappers that he leaves around the office

But you purchased the candy. but I do I am...or I have somebody go and purchase. I have somebody go and purchase now

Do you watch the table where this candy is held?

Constantly for eight hours during the shoot. No that's not my job. No are you a nutritionist? No that is not my job. Are you a psychologist?

No, that is not my job. How are you...Do you believe that you are

Do you believe that you are qualified to comment on whether or not my client has an aggressive personality. Yes, are you a psychologist?

No, I am NOT

No, further questions your honor ah all right. Hey, I'm so sorry. Can you go move him? Yeah get out of here?

yeah, I'm not that ugly I

I would like to call a Kevin to the stand. who? a Kevin

A Kevin

You heard her. No, God. It's this guy again. Please have a seat and place your hand on a Playstation 4

I will escort you to the jail we will hold you in contempt. We will hold you in a tent. That too

Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but trees so help you God. Blessings to the messiah

Good afternoon you please state your name for the courtroom. Sup. my name is Kevin

I'm 26 years young I got a single coming out next week with my band

Um and I like to skate for the Lord, but if you're talking in terms of things that actually pay me

I drive for Uber and Lyft

Well, what's the name of the single?

It's called blessings.

There's a hashtag in front of it, but you don't pronounce that hashtag. It's just understood

Can you identify a Wesley today and describe his relationship? Um I know him as western theditor, but to be fair

I've only read his name and I'm barely literate mm-hmm, but I think it's that dude that's absent of all melanin.

Let the record show that he has properly identified my very bright client one further question

How would you describe?

my clients general day-to-day

Personality. Um, happy? Um, you know he's a very happy guy, but he's clearly got like his own issues

He does definitely enjoy a fair amount of candy. I don't want to beat that into the ground

I don't feel that it's my place to judge him necessarily. I do want to recognize though, that that is an issue

But you know who isn't without their issues

I once swore so like you know we all have a past mm-hmm one further question. Have you ever?

Experienced a situation where my client has attempted to murder you um, I wouldn't say you know

I'm not like a soothsayer like I can't read minds. I don't know what's up

All I can say is what's in front of me and the things that...Is that a yes or no, has he targeted me

Yes, has he murdered me. No. I have one further question. Uh, have you...

Can we have one closing question uh?

Uh

No further questions yeah, thanks Kevin, I'll see you Sunday. What whoa we go to the same church?

Objection as she got up. She farted on us oh

It was very odd. I do feel pressure change in the room. Sustained

Lady fart. I would just like her to apologize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry okay

I had Chipotle only for breakfast. who does Chipotle for breakfast Kevin you mentioned Wes

Earls

Behaviors now can I ask you are you a psychiatrist? Uh, yes, I did study for four years at Overland

Do you have a certificate for that not on my person, but I can mail it to you later. Have you ever practiced psychology?

I did for two years

But then I decided I would be better served driving people around getting them to their destination before we all go to our own so

You would say that you you tried to practice it, but you weren't good enough to make it your living

That's why you're...That's not at all what I would say. That's not what I said at all. all right. Are you a nutritionist?

I am indeed

Google offers courses do you have any certificates for that? I do I got certified by Google

I'd like to see evidence on any of these certificates that he's claiming to have?

Your honor, objection. Overruled

Which one is it overruling your objection liking you normally, so let's just get you whatever you want

Thank you your honor. See you Sunday. This courts against me. Obviously he is under oath

So everything he says is obviously true. Let me ask you this Kevin

Are you easily spooked or do you get scared easily? I don't believe in ghosts

I do believe in angels and I feel that they are always with me protecting me from whatever may come my way

So enough you're here, okay, so and if I went

Nothing Your Honor that is badgering my witness

That's quite aggressive

Sustained. It was a good...it was a good test. I'd like to show the jurors

That this man. Who is saying that

This defendant does that?

Your Honor, she's gotta quit

That this defendant who is over and over aggressive

Does nothing to this man because this man doesn't feel any feelings. Oh, good turn around. No further questions, your honor

I'm gonna buy your album though. Yo. Thank you. If you're the first 20, you get it for free

So now we're gonna deliberate in a hundred and forty characters

Please give me your closing arguments. The new smash bros is crazy

giant man aggressive

always makes

excuses

Ugly very hurt

140

your honor

mistrial

aggravated assault at best

It's about it. Okay. Oh his company should be liable oh wait. That's my company. Uh... hashtag free my man

nice

All right now now to the jury you look a little shady there in the center

I don't know if I'm gonna trust all of your opinion. What? I'm fly as... I'm on fleek

Kids still say that. You look lie a bad knockoff Macklemore. I'm gonna need you guys to go into the bathroom and deliberate okay

Yeah, why are they going into the bathroom, and why are you still undressing yourself?

All rise for jury verdict

Now that sounds right

your honor

We of the jury finds the very handsome defendant innocent of all charges and in a surprise decision we actually find the plaintiff

Guilty of exposing us the jurors to his horrific face

And we sentence him to 10 months

community service with Kevin's

social outreach program "Feels on Wheels"

The sentencing has begun. We'll have to do some community service for ten months

I don't know why he had a head injury if he got hit in the shin

That doesn't make sense to me doesn't make sense to me either so I think that we've done the Lord's work here today

Am I right?

hashtag blessings

Love you, Kevin

Y'all go home. I got a mojito brunch to get to

Make sure to check out last week's courtroom adventure where we try and prove

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