Hey, is this the line for the new Ocular Thrift?
Is your real reality so bad that you got to drop
$100 bucks on a virtual one?
Man, VR is just going one layer deeper.
It's almost a certainty that we're already
-living in a simulation. -How can you know that?
Well, you know, when you tickle yourself, it doesn't tickle?
(giggles) But it does tickle.
Well, that's 'cause the technology's getting better
all the time.
Stop! Stop! I can't breathe!
Plus, this headset comes preloaded with Barn Town Excel,
the latest and greatest farming simulation game.
All the fun of farming without any of the actual benefits.
But do they let you tickle yourself?
No, no! Are you kidding?
We were just here for five minutes!
Phil, I got this.
Hi. Officer Murphy, is it?
As soon as we parked, I said to myself, Beth,
you better make a mental note of what's happening right now.
Why is this...this isn't even the one I wanted!
This is your fault, Beth!
All the stress that she deals with on a daily basis
yet she still maintains grace and dignity?
It's like Zen without the pretentiousness.
And I'm usually a sucker for pretentiousness.
Oh, no. I thought she was talking about the dad.
This... See? And now you?
-Come on! -That guy?
Yeah, there's just something about him.
Can't quite put my finger on it. But it calls to me.
Link, what you got right there is a quintessential family man.
You got to be kidding me.
There's no way anybody could ever...
Why would this be--
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no! No, no, this is my car.
♪ I'm tied down, I'm locked up ♪
♪ I don't make independent decisions ♪
♪ But my wife says that I don't miss it ♪
♪ My old friends they don't come ♪
♪ In fact this weekend they're riding skidoos ♪
♪ While I'm taking my kids to three zoos ♪
♪ Well, the third zoo isn't exactly a zoo ♪
♪ It's a family counselor dressed like a raccoon ♪
♪ I'm a family man ♪
♪ Living according to a family plan ♪
♪ I just found somebody's feces on my hand ♪
♪ I grab a towel that's monogrammed ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a family man ♪
♪ I don't have a dream job ♪
♪ I bust my butt every day from 9 to 5 ♪
♪ To finance the dreams of my kids and wife ♪
♪ And my wife has a business idea ♪
♪ She wants to sell these teeny tiny hats ♪
♪ Made especially for little baby cats ♪
♪ Notice that I didn't say kittens ♪
♪ My wife says that a baby cat is something different ♪
♪ I'm a family man ♪
♪ We all don't fit in a sedan ♪
♪ My last child, that spawn of Satan, was unplanned ♪
♪ Please cut my vas deferens ♪
♪ I'm a family man ♪
♪ I'm a family man ♪
So how does that sound?
I think I found my calling.
I want to be a family man.
Look who else has Barn Town fever.
Hey. Hey, Link.
Hey, Vanessa. Hey, Roberto.
I'm sorry I tried to kill you.
No need to apologize.
Robots do not have feelings.
Oh, well, in that case, I'm sorry I wasn't able to kill you.
-No offense. -No offense taken.
Robots do not take offense.
Emotions are a human construct.
Roberto, why don't you wait for me at the car?
The windows are tinted
so you can play around with the USB port.
Okay. So that's how it's going to be.
Calculating route to USB port.
He gonna be all right?
Oh, he's fine.
Although, to be honest, he can be annoying sometimes.
The only thing worse than hearing someone drone on
about the latest true crime podcast
is hearing an actual drone drone on about it.
Oh, you're talking about Murder City?
I love that podcast.
How were they able to pack so much murder into one city?
And that thing with the butcher? I didn't see that coming.
But it is pretty stupid.
I miss hanging out with you.
Maybe we could meet up sometime.
That would be nice, but it's pretty unlikely.
We live on opposite sides of town.
I rarely leave the house.
And I usually look down when I'm walking
so I can't really see it happening again any time soon.
We could meet up on purpose.
Well, I think that does increase the odds.
I'm just gonna get in line.
It does, right?
The odds increase if we plan to meet up, yeah.
Now what was the color of her sweater?
Yeah, nice fuchsia.
I am a lady.
I am a farmer.
I am a farmer lady.
I am a lady farmer.
What you doing there?
Oh, I'm just building my best possible self:
a full-figured middle-aged mom.
Huh, maybe I should play.
I can be an exasperated dad with a bald spot
and a pizza stain on his khakis.
You don't need VR for that.
You should just start dating Vanessa.
-Hya! -What do you mean?
Vanessa doesn't think of me like that.
I don't think you understand romance, man.
Have you ever even kissed a woman?
Of course. Both of my aunts, and...
Well, my great-grandmother's more of a hugger.
But I got really close once.
Link, how do I put this?
There are some kisses that no aunt can or should give.
You're talking about an uncle kiss.
I'm saying that Vanessa is into you
and you should ask her out.
How do I do that, call her?
No, modern romance does not involve real world conversation.
It's all about the apps.
You should just nuzzle her on Buzzler.
Yeah, the hot new dating app that connects
people who've known each other for years.
Wow. How's it do that?
Oh, you just pull it up, put her email address in there.
Write her a short message and let Buzzler do the rest.
-What's the rest? -They send the email.
That's a million dollar idea.
How'd this become a unicycle?
Thank you. Enjoy your produce.
Eh, this rhubarb looks wilted.
I'll buy you out for 50 Barn Town bucks.
Oh, come on, Earl!
You know that's the biggest rhubarb you've ever seen.
And I got a whole truck full of them!
How does this sound?
"Hey, Vanessa, it's Link from this morning
and the past 10 years."
Ah, that's not gonna work!
Well, fine. What should I write?
I'm not intimidated by you and your country muscles.
Aggressive. What else?
Take your leathery hands off of my rhubarb!
I'm not sure she'd appreciate being called leathery.
Listen, man, stop playing games!
You either want it or you don't want it!
Fine. I'll call her leathery.
And shouldn't I ask her to dinner or something?
Oh, now I like what I'm hearing.
How about "Would you like to go to dinner or something?"
-Can you sweeten the deal? -"And possibly dessert?"
-(laughs) -That sounds great.
Looks like somebody's having pie tonight.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
It won't be better than my aunt's pie.
How did you get a dinner reservation at this place?
Well, it wasn't easy.
I called them on the phone
and told them what time I wanted to eat
and they told me that time wasn't available.
They asked me how many people were in my party.
And I said, "It's not a party. It's more like a date."
And then after a series of back and forths where I told them,
"I'm not taking no for an answer",
they finally waved the white flag
and I scored us a 3:00 p.m. dinner reservation.
You are a renaissance man.
Welcome to Chez Lounge.
Today's special is Branzino stuffed with escargot,
lobster and Kobe beef all in a white wine reduction.
What can you tell me about the grilled cheese?
I can tell you that it's on our children's menu.
And does that come with Tater Tots?
Hmm, a side of the Dinosaur Nuggets
will be fine then.
And I completed your maze.
Hup, I'm still working on mine.
Link, what are you doing?
Caressing your leathery hands.
Well, don't forget my country muscles.
Mr. Haney, there is no way that this tractor is worth more
than 8,000 Barn Town bucks!
Sir, if you can't experience your virtual farmer quietly,
we're gonna have to ask you to leave.
No, you cannot talk to my husband!
I'm single! I own my own farm
and I insist on taking this thing for a test drive!
Okay, sir, that's it. You gotta go.
It's got a sticky clutch! I'm only paying 7,500!
You wouldn't treat me like this if I were a man!
Why did we even march?
(car horn honks)
Oh, you live in a house with a pool.
No. I live in a pool house.
I do have a pool table, though.
Isn't that a table by a pool?
This is nice.
Is it? I wasn't sure, but I guess I'll keep doing it.
Do you want to come in for a nightcap?
No, thanks. It's still daytime.
And hats don't complement my face shape.
It's fine. It probably wouldn't fit you anyway.
Can I help you?
Oh, hey, Earl. It's me, Beth.
The gal who sold you the rhubarb.
I own the farm next door.
Hey, Beth. That was the tastiest rhubarb I've ever had.
Uh, this is gonna sound a little weird.
But as a woman, I'm having a difficult time
being taken seriously in the farming industry.
And I was thinking, if we could combine our assets,
we could really kick some butt here in Barn Town.
So what do you say we get married?
Why not? Let's do it.
Let's do it?
That's how you're gonna propose to me?
This is a moment every girl dreams of.
Do you want me to get down on one knee?
It's a start.
Beth... it's Beth, right?
Yeah, it's short for Elizabeth.
Some people call me Liz.
You're already full of surprises.
(laughs) Oh, Earl.
Not in front of the goats.
So how was your date yesterday?
I swayed her shoulders.
That's a coincidence.
I just killed a cow to make suede.
Pretty grizzly, though. It does not peel right off.
I got to say, I think I'm falling deeply in like with her.
I got some news of my own.
Last night in Barn Town, I got married.
His name is Earl.
You have to put the headset on to see it.
But the diamond is huge.
Tell me more.
He grows tomatoes and he's everything to me.
I am so happy for you.
Pretty soon, the two of you are gonna be having babies.
I peed on a stick this morning.
I had to download the expansion pack.
But I am totally knocked up.
-It's happening so fast! -It's been a crazy two years.
Especially because it's only been 24 hours.
I never thought I was a mom kind of girl.
But I totally think I am.
I am so jealous.
Maybe it's time for me to take the plunge too.
Oh, go for it. Don't overthink it.
It's only reality.
That sounds like good advice. Thanks.
No problem. Well, I'm late.
Earl and I have to pick out colors for the nursery.
Go. Be in love.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, I just got engaged.
He's a farmer.
This is where it all started.
It feels like only yesterday.
It was yesterday.
You may be wondering why I've brought you back here
to a locale that is so special to...
Vanessa? I'm trying to talk to you.
Sorry. It's harvest season.
And things are crazy at home.
Rhett's also addicted.
Speaking of addiction, I just can't stop thinking
about swaying you by the pool.
Is there any way that you could...
Okay, I'm putting it away.
There. I'm all yours.
Well, I just think that our relationship is going great...
Sweetie, do you mind if I go to the bathroom?
Sure, but leave the goggles here.
Beautiful ring, sir.
Oh, thank you.
I got it at a place called the black market.
It cost me one kidney.
Good thing they grow back.
Promise me you'll never have children.
Hello? Hello? Are you there?
Hello, honey? Are you there.
Honey, the baby's coming!
Hi. I'm not actually...
Well, I'm not ready either, lamb chop.
But here we are... (groans)
Beth? Is that you?
Um, do I know you?
Know me? I'm your husband, Earl.
You know, we have a farm together?
You're having my baby?
What are the words I need to say to make you not hurt me?
You could say I love you once in a while.
Okay, lady. I want to help.
But I don't even know what I'm looking at.
Well, you better figure it out pretty quick
because this baby is coming fast!
Okay, don't worry! I know someone who can help!
(cell phone rings)
What is it, man?
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
I got a situation here!
I'm delivering a baby in Barn Town
and I have no clue what to do!
Well, I'm having a baby in Barn Town.
My frickin' husband is not helping me at all!
Well, don't bite my head off! Listen, we got to calm down.
Both of these babies are counting on us.
Okay, put the glove on.
Measure the dilation of the cervix with your fingers.
The only thing I understood in that sentence was fingers.
Well, use them! Just put them in the baby place!
They're in! (gasps)
Wiggle your fingers.
Take it out! Take it out! Take it out! Take it out!
I feel completely betrayed.
You were supposed to be my friend.
And you were supposed to be my girlfriend. And you!
I'm sorry. I actually don't know why you're here.
Beth, you are now a part of this crazy polyamorous relationship.
And the four of us are gonna have to figure out
how to work together.
No. I have a real life and real responsibilities.
And if you don't give me my car keys, I'm calling the cops!
My brother from another mother is now my future wife's wife.
I can't believe that my life has become such a cliché.
I know this is hard, Link.
No, this is not hard!
This is actually very easy.
I demand that the two of you break up.
You guys have been on like two dates together.
We have a family together.
And things are just starting to...
Woman, you're getting too emotional.
But she's right. We are too far down this road.
We have a really good virtual life together.
Well, I was hoping that we would have
a really real life together.
I'll admit we've had some crazy times.
And I'll never forget them.
But I'm a dad now. I have to think of my baby.
All I wanted was a family of my own.
Now I'll never have that.
We could, you know, ask him
if he wants to you know, with us.
I think that just might work.
Go ahead, my rhubarb queen. Ask him.
Link, Earl and I would like you to be our baby.
Come on, baby.
Just latch on.
(baby cries) You can do it.
There you go. This is your food place.
So what do you think we should name him?
I was thinking Earl, Jr.
That is so patriarchal!
I think he should pick his own name.
Babies don't choose their names.
I want to be called Trench.
That's not a name.
If the boy wants to be called Trench, we'll call him Trench!
Okay, but it's stupid.
The kids at school gave me a black eye!
Why on earth would they do that?
They said Trench isn't a real name!
Well, it's not.
Earl, now is not the time.
Climb up and let mama give you some love, honey.
Ugh. Boy's driving a wedge between us.
Son, time for you to learn how to drive a tractor.
No, thanks, dad.
I told you I wasn't born to farm.
I was born to dance.
Dance? We've got 200 acres of sorghum to get to market.
Earl, if Trench wants to dance, let him dance.
Trench, dance what's in your heart.
It's not even a name!
I can't do this anymore.
You're a mama's boy and you enable him.
What are you saying?
I'm saying I'm done with this family.
You two deserve each other.
Do you think we'll ever see Pa again, Ma?
I'm afraid not, son.
Mama? I'm home!
Trench, is that you, son?
When I got the doctor's telegram,
I took the first bus back from New York City.
You need me!
I didn't want that, boy. You got your career.
The first male Rockette at Radio City Music Hall.
My success is nothing without you, Mama.
You believed in me when no one else would.
Aw, son, that's just a mama's job.
Here, let me get you comfortable, Mama.
I just want you to know how much I...
How much I love you.
I love you too, Mama.
No, Mama! No!
You were the best mama a boy ever had.
I know a place where we can get a 3:00 p.m. dinner reservation.