Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Coronavirus Anime Survival Guide

(Sneeze)

(WIDESPREAD PANIC)

We're dying! We're fucking dy-

(Anime girls sneezing)

This is a public service announcement for all weebs affected by the current

coronavirus outbreak. In the midst of all the panic within the general populace,

it's times like these we must come together and ask what can we as weebs do to protect ourselves from the outbreak. Will things be

daijoubu, and most importantly, what can we learn from anime about how to contain the spread of coronavirus internationally?

Border control, this is flight JL667. We've just had reports that someone has coughed in one of the back seats.

Please advise on the correct course of action. Over.

Flight JL667, this is border control. Have no fear, don't worry, just sit back, relax, and we'll take appropriate action on our end. Over.

(Explosions) (Widespread destruction)

We can learn a lot from illness in anime. Sick anime girls are the most adorable thing ever.

If there's an anime girl with a high fever and a guy walks in to take care of her, some poor girl's

anal cavity is about to get rekt by suppository.

And of course, most

importantly, if an anime character stays out in the rain for too long and gets a cold, you might as well have just told them

that they have stage four leukemia. But many weebs may still be confused as to how to handle the current pandemic,

so let's start with the most important advice you need to know. Step 1:

Don't. Fuck. The virus. During the early days of the outbreak, while the World Health Organization was warning for the possible storm come with the virus,

the anime community reacted pretty much the only way they knew how to:

by seeing if it was possible to stick their dick in it. So I repeat: Don't.

Fuck. The virus.

Red blood cells are fine though. We interrupt this PSA to bring you a quick word from our sponsor:

(Coughing) Have you ever tried the cool refreshing taste of Corona beer-

Step 2: Don't panic. One of the most important things is to stay calm.

I mean, we all know how bad it is to overly panic from movies and anime.

This is real life, and

real life isn't as predictably stupid as every disaster movie where some cliche scientist dude's warning gets ignored by every government's bigwig before an

impending disaster.

We're not ready for the next epidemic. Today, the greatest risk of global catastrophe looks like this (coronavirus). If there's

one positive thing that can come out of the Ebola epidemic,

it's that it can serve as a early warning, a wake-up call to get ready. If we start now we

can be ready for the next epidemic.

Thank you.

(Seinfield theme)

When looking at pandemics in anime, the closest thing we can find is something like High School of the Dead.

But unfortunately, this probably would not be the best resource to learn from, as it's pretty obvious

this is not an accurate representation of what a deadly outbreak would actually be like.

Because I mean, there isn't even a single scene where survivors risked their lives, fighting through hordes of the infected, desperately searching through every store,

every empty building, because they ran out of toilet paper to wipe their ass with. Currently,

you're more likely to get coronavirus than you are to get toilet paper, proving that reality is nothing like the movies at all.

It's far dumber. Step three: Social

distancing. Public health officials have warned that the general public should do their best to stay indoors, avoid any unnecessary

travel, stock up on necessary resources, and in general keep social interaction to a bare minimum.

I'm just gonna beat the shit out of you over here if that's alright.

This is referred to officially by the CDC as

social distancing, self quarantining or being a fucking weeb. See, while the rest of society is figuring out how to function without leaving the house,

self-quarantine is already a secret technique

inherited through generations of weebs, giving us the natural edge over the rest of humankind.

In fact,

there are even studies that have suggested that masturbation is a healthy way to improve one's immune system

which could indicate that the coronavirus is just Darwin's natural selection in action, and degenerates weebs were the next stage of human evolution

this entire time.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want some of this?

Okay

Alright

Open wide. Here you go.

This is still currently just an untested hypothesis. Step 4:

Understanding how to prevent the spread. Knowledge is half the battle, and if you see someone who could be sick with the

coronavirus, the first thing to do is:

Don't do that. From what we know, the most common methods of transmission are via sneezing, coughing, direct human contact,

touching contaminated surfaces, and LimeWire. If you have access to one, face masks can help. And avoid coughing or sneezing like any other-

God fucking damn it! Make sure you avoid coughing or sneezing or-

(Sneeze)

Make sure you avoid-

(Sneeze)

Make sure-

(Sneeze)

Can we all just stop sneezing for one second?

(Sneeze)

(Jiggle)

As I was saying, I encourage everyone to keep sneezing.

It's strongly advised against hand-holding, as this will not only reduce the transmission of the coronavirus

but also stop the spread of

anime STDs. And above all remember to wash your hands regularly for at least 20 seconds using the correct technique in a place

we call the sink.

(Spraying water)

I don't actually know what a sink looks like. Sometimes, the simplest measures can help a lot.

But, please be aware that in 2020, clearing your throat is still a normal bodily function people do from time to time.

(Clearing throat)

(cough) He has the fucking coronavirus! Please be aware that extreme steps have also been taken to contain the spread and many public events have been

canceled. Many sporting events have been canceled. E3 is canceled.

Anime conventions are canceled. Flying is canceled. Logan Paul is canceled. Again.

Probably. In fact, fun is canceled. Anyone seen having fun in 2020 will be shot on sight.

Not only that, but many places are on complete lockdown. This includes LA and San Francisco.

And as one of the worst affected areas, Italy has been on lockdown for a short while now.

Let's have a peek at how they're handling their quarantine.

This concludes this public service announcement.

There have been fears that this is still not the most effective way to motivate

anime fans to change their lifestyle and habits,

but there is a method that we can guarantee that. Which is why we're happy to announce the newest anime coming out next season:

Cute Girls Do Coronavirus Things

A lot of people are rightly scared, and many, many people have been affected by this.

But, if we all work to cooperate, we can all get through this together.

So, if you are stuck at home in quarantine with a lot of extra time on your hands, try to make the best of it.

Watch some anime. Play some games. Or maybe even

use it as an excuse to

reconnect with the ones you used to be close with. Hey, it's um, it's- it's me.

Look, I know it's been a while since we last saw each other and I know it's been entirely my fault.

I've just been busy, you know, and I know that's no excuse. I've neglected you all this time. I know I could have done better.

Look the world's gone crazy right now, and it's given me a lot of time to really think about what's important to me and

what I really want to be spending my time doing right now.

I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. I know I don't deserve a second chance.

But, if you can find it in your heart to give us another shot, I promise this time's gonna be different.

I promise we're gonna do things differently.

I promise I'm gonna be there this time.

What do you say?

(♪ And I will always love you ♪)

Go wash your hands right now.