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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: The Late NightCap: Trump Doesn’t Understand Why He’s Being Impeached

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-Chrissy Teigen tweets about it.

My wife, who follows everything she says,

texts me and says, "Did you just fart on national TV?"

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

-This is all about how horny I am.

-No. -You will wait.

[ Laughter ]

Come on! Pick it up!

-We're in deep [bleep] right now.

-It's a candle.

It's called This Smells Like My Vagina.

We were kind of messing around

and I smelled this beautiful thing

and I was like, "This smells like my vagina."

And I was kidding, obviously.

And we were on mushrooms... -[ Laughing ]

-No, we weren't. We weren't on mushrooms.

-First up -- checks.

Checks, why do you still exist?

No one has used you since the '90s.

You're the Stephen Baldwin of payment method.

You took a photo of yourself at the gym,

and I'm happy to say that, much like me,

you do have a vacation body... -Yeah!

-...which is a little bit less impressive.

-There we go!

I got to say this -- you know, that picture actually ended up

kind of controversial. People thought that I was,

you know, extolling the government of China,

and the whole thing -- -Was it giant flag?

Do you think that's what it was? -[ Stammering ]

-Minivans! Finally, a car that lets your neighbors know

kids have ruined your life

and it's time for day drinking. -[ Grunts ]

-♪ Hey! ♪

-To Cambridge Analytics.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

-♪ Shuffle board, shuffle board

Shuffle board

Talkin' 'bout shuffle board

Shuffle boards

-It take you guys this long to write songs?

-Even longer, and they're all hits.

[ Laughter ]

-♪ Baby, let me in

I want to feel your skin

Do you want to 69

-♪ I got nothing to do this afternoon

Because I'm drunk at noon

[ Cheers and applause ]

-A lot of people have asked me,

and I'm sure in turn they've asked you, "Is Donald Trump

good for comedy?" What is your take on that?

-He's good for comedy in the way that a stroke is good for a nap.

-[ Laughs ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

-A source close to the White House say President Trump

has appeared distracted by the impeachment trial,

telling people around he meant Mar-a-Lago.

He can't understand why he was impeached.

-He is a bit distracted by the ongoing impeachment saga.

He's apparently asking people around him,

"Why are they doing this to me?"

-Donald Trump not knowing why he is impeached

is, in itself, an impeachable offense.

[ Imitating Trump ] "Why are they doing this to me?"

[ Normal voice ] Well, here's a 300-page document laying it out.

[ As Trump ] "What? No. I don't want to read that.

Why?!

[ Laughter ]

Why won't they tell me?!"

-Once I was playing a chicken

who was in love with Ryan Gosling,

and, like, at multiple points, he was like --

He really loves her and he wants to be with her.

-[ Laughing ] Yeah. -But he can't

because she's a chicken and he's on the run."

And I was like, "Oh, you're, like, thinking about this."

-Yeah. -And I, like --

Literally, like, to me, it was just like...

[ Bawking, laughing ]

-Also, Peloton, nice work

with that terrible Christmas commercial.

You got people talking about Pelotons

the same way Jared had people talking about Subway.

[ Audience oohs ] Jared burn!

-[ Deep, distorted voice ] "I'm so proud of him

for losing the weight. -What?

♪♪

The new movie "Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker"

features a lesbian kiss. -And for most women,

so does college.

-The governor of Wisconsin signed a bill

that allows kids to sell Kool-Aid without a permit.

-But are cops still gonna hassle black kids selling Kool-Aid?

-[ As Kool-Aid Man ] Ohh, yeah!

[ Normal voice ] And now Amber, have the cops ever hassled you?

-[ As Kool-Aid Man ] Oh, yeah!

-Airplane safety announcements,

quit talking to us like we're children.

If someone doesn't know how to buckle a seatbelt,

society's probably better if they rocket out the window.

-I was in the car and I'm listening to this song,

and I can't turn it off.

I can't go into the Bed Bath & Beyond

without hearing the end of this song,

and I'm listening, and I start to lip sync

and now I'm air drumming, and I start to cry.

I do the whole song. At the end of the song,

I look over, and there's a woman

who's pulled up in the spot beside me,

and she's looking at me, and the look on her face

just said, "It's so sad

when actors lose their television shows."

-[ Laughing ] Yeah.

-I feel better already. -[ Laughs ]

The Description of The Late NightCap: Trump Doesn’t Understand Why He’s Being Impeached