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FOLKS, IT'S NO SECRET, EVERY NIGHT I SPEND MY TIME

GOING THROUGH THE NEWEST, MOST-FASHIONABLE STORIES AND

CAREFULLY STYLING THEM ON THE CHIC STOREFRONT MANNEQUIN THAT

CAREFULLY STYLING THEM ON THE CHIC STOREFRONT MANNEQUIN THAT

THAT IS MY SEGMENT, "MEANWHILE."

IT MAKES ALL BETTER, "MEANWHILE "MAKES ALL BETTER.

IT'S THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES.

MEANWHILE, A DEAF MAN FROM BROOKLYN IS SUING THE WEBSITE

PORNHUB OVER A LACK OF CLOSED CAPTIONING.

( LAUGHTER ) GOOD FOR HIM!

I DO NOT BLAME THIS GUY.

IF YOU CAN'T HEAR, YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT THAT THE

LONELY HOUSEWIFE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH CASH TO PAY THE PIZZA

BOY, BUT WITHOUT CLOSED CAPTIONING, HOW DO YOU KNOW

SHE ORDERED IT WITH EXTRA SAUSAGE.

ACCORDING TO THE MAN'S LAWSUIT, "PORN WEBSITES ARE 'PLACES OF

PUBLIC ACCOMMODATION.'" OKAY, I'M GOING TO STOP RIGHT

THERE.

IT'S ONE THING IN YOUR OWN HOME, BUT PLEASE DON'T ACCOMMODATE

YOURSELF IN PUBLIC.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS AT

STANFORD UNIVERSITY HAVE CREATED A NEW DRONE THAT MIMICS

THE FLIGHT OF REAL PIGEONS, WHICH THEY ACHIEVED BY CREATING

WINGS THAT IMITATE "A BIRD'S WRIST AND FINGER."

I KNOW WE DON'T USUALLY THINK OF BIRDS AS HAVING WRISTS AND

FINGERS, BUT YOU CAN SEE THEM QUITE CLEARLY IN THIS

PHOTO.

( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.

( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

MEANWHILE, RECENT GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER "AWKWAFINA WILL VOICE THE

7 TRAIN FROM QUEENS ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR A WEEK."

HERE'S AN ACTUAL SAMPLE: ( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: SOUNDS FANTASTIC.

NOT TO BE OUTDONE, LAGUARDIA AIRPORT'S T.S.A.

ANNOUNCEMENTS WILL NOW FEATURE THEIR OWN FUN CELEBRITY

CAMEO: >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE

KEEP PERSONAL BELONGINGS WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES"

( LIAM NEESON FROM "TAKEN" )

>> "IF YOU DON'T, I WILL LOOK FOR YOU.

I WILL FIND YOU, AND I WILL KILL YOU."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: SPOOKY.

>> Jon: THAT'S A LOT THERE.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> Jon: CREEPY.

>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, AT THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN TENNIS

QUALIFIERS ON SUNDAY, A CHAIR UMPIRE REPRIMANDED FRENCH TENNIS

PLAYER ELLIOT BENCHETRIT FOR ASKING THE BALLGIRL TO PEEL HIS

BANANA FOR HIM, APPARENTLY STRUGGLING WITH SWEATY HANDS AND

BAND-AIDS ON HIS FINGERS.

LOOK, I KNOW IT'S A TIRED CLICHE THAT AMERICANS MAKE FUN OF THE

FRENCH FOR BEING SO QUICK TO SURRENDER.

AND I'M GOING TO DO IT AGAIN RIGHT NOW.

( MOCKING FRENCH ACCENT ) "EUUH, I CANNOT PEEL ZEES

BANANA.

PLEES, LEETLE GIRL, 'ELP ME WEETH ZEE FRUIT.

I CANNOT RUIN MY BAND-AIDS.

FOR ZEY 'AVE SCOOBY-DOO ON ZEM."

"LITTLE SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS."

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PATRICK STEWART.

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