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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Backup

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- "Abby's" is filmed

in front of a live outdoor audience.

You ever think about how numbers are spelled?

- No, because I'm normal, but go ahead.

- We start with one, O-N-E.

First number out of the gate.

Already it's spelled weird.

One should clearly start with a W.

And then we get two,

which does have a W but shouldn't.

- We're doin' shots, bitches.

[all howl]

- Well, that was uncouth.

- Number talk, huh? I can get behind this.

A lot of numbers in engineering, shapes too.

We got lines, vectors--

which, before you jump all over me, are not the same thing.

- Numbers aren't all spelled bad.

Three is solid.

Six is incredible.

- I love six. It really gets the job done.

- Mm-hmm.

- We need more tequila shots, sweetie.

- Well, neither of us looks like a sweetie,

so he must be talking to someone else.

- I was called a doll once, and it did not end well.

- Oh, my God, I never thought about eight before.

Eight is wild.

E, what?

I, why?

G, I don't even know what we're spelling anymore.

Holy mother of God, there's an H after that.

- Dude, we're in an outdoor bar.

The whole thing's a bathroom.

- Abby, you gonna do something about this?

Because I am ready to tee off on someone.

I just spent two hours trying to get out

of a gym membership, and I'm still a member.

- Yeah, they're outta here.

James, would you like to do the honor of bouncing them?

- Yeah, I'm gonna go right now.

But here's the thing, and I forgot to tell you.

I can't.

My doctor says I might have bumpy spine.

- Oh, James, bumpy spine is a real thing,

and it's very serious.

- You think I got bumpy spine?

[rollicking guitar music]

♪ ♪

[both grunting]

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

- All right, I'm goin' in.

- Hey, five bucks if you can work in

a cool action movie one-liner.

- You're on.

Sorry, bros, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

- Well, we don't wanna leave.

- Okay, look, this is what's gonna happen.

Look at me. Look at me.

I'm the captain now.

- You're not gonna give her full credit for that?

- She should have done the voice,

although I get why that's dicey.

- No, seriously, you guys have to go or I'll make you go.

- I'm not going anywhere.

- Okay, okay, I think that we've all had enough fun here.

Please leave.

- Bill, stand down. I got this.

- You see, I'm the owner of the property,

and if I call the cops, they're gonna say

it was time to go the moment I told you to,

and every second after that is criminal trespassing.

- They get it, Bill.

You're mad, and you're upper middle class.

- Then I'm gonna have to hire a whole team of lawyers

to file a civil suit, which, win or lose,

is gonna cost you tens of thousands of dollars each.

Is that what you really want?

[laughs]

That's right, get.

- Did you just say "get"?

- Well, I was gonna say,

don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you,

but then I realized the door opens out,

so that would not be possible.

Sort of harkens back to the vectors

that I mentioned before.

And that is sort of the origin story of get.

- Good job, Bill, very impressive.

- That was pretty kick ass, though, right?

Maybe even worthy of a drink?

A free drink, not a drink named after me.

Although...

If you were gonna name a drink after me,

maybe it'd be something like, um, I mean,

just off the top of my head, the Invinci-Bill.

Maybe that has wine and Sprite in it, huh?

Or the Billini, which would also have wine and Sprite.

I'd like a wine and Sprite, please.

- Yeah, Bill, we should name a drink after you.

I'm gonna call it, If You Ever Butt In Like That Again,

I'll Tie Your Penis into a Knot.

- Hold on, you're mad at me for helping you?

- Yes, Bill.

If something like that ever happens again,

please, stay the hell out of it.

- I got a name for your drink: the piña Billada.

- My mug!

- What happened?

- I don't know.

I love this mug.

I got it in Reno when the twins were born.

- Wait, you took a trip to Reno

when you were nine months pregnant?

- No, I took a trip to Reno

when I was eight months pregnant

and I lost track of time.

Who the hell did this?

I promise I won't be mad, but who?

- Yes, who is the correct question

because it suggests we don't know.

- Really, no one is gonna own up to this?

- I'm so sorry, Beth.

I'm gonna help you find out who did this.

- No, Rosie, that--that won't be necessary

because, Beth...

I am the one who's gonna find out who did this.

- Thank you, James,

and when you find the coward, I want you to take this shard

and sketch my face into their forehead.

- That shard looks a little too big for the detail work.

.

- Let me get this straight: I did something nice--

- No, no, you did not do something nice.

I had a basketball, I was about to dunk it,

and then you took the ball out of my hands

and you dunked it yourself.

- Does this discussion have to take place right here?

I'm working on the crossword puzzle,

and it's Saturday's, so I'm trying to lock in.

- Abby, I was just trying to help you.

- Bill, I did not need your help.

- Hmm, see, I'm doing it in ink.

Maybe you guys would want to argue

on the back benches or in a different backyard.

- You acted like I was some damsel in distress

who needed you to come to my rescue.

- I did not. I just--

- And you just had to save the day

with your legal mumbo jumbo,

like the world's most boring knight

in the world's most business casual armor.

- I didn't step in because I know legal mumbo jumbo.

I got in there because I'm--

well, you know, because I'm bigger than you.

- [scoffs]

- You guys win.

This is more interesting than my puzzle.

- So you think you're so strong and I'm so weak?

Bill, I was a Marine, okay?

I can take you down 50 different ways.

Look at your neck.

There's, like, eight ways right there.

- Just from an objective standpoint,

I have a larger frame than you, that's all.

My biology gives me certain mechanical advantages.

- Bill has a point.

Say there was a nine-year-old

with a black belt that wanted to fight me.

It doesn't matter that he has a black belt.

He's tiny, and I'm a giant.

That kid is going down.

- With all due respect, Fred,

my sons know a nine-year-old named Evan Lefkowitz.

He would destroy you.

- Huh.

Anyplace, anytime, any kid.

- The thing is, Abby, I'm an engineer.

- Oh, really? - Oh, that again.

- And as an engineer,

I have to consider things like Newtonian force.

It's all about fulcrum placement.

You got one lever-- in this case, it's my arm--

starts way up here.

Do you want to see what happens when this pump gets primed?

Because I don't.

- No, Bill, I don't want to see

when anything of yours gets primed.

- You don't know what primed means in this sort of--

- Abby, Bill, come on.

You're both adults.

This bickering is silly.

We should solve this thing in a mature, grown-up way.

The two of you should put your hands into the ice bin

for 30 seconds and then open a big jar of olives.

- Yes, because that is classically the correct way

to handle this sort of situation.

- And if I win, Bill apologizes.

- And just to be clear,

I'm apologizing for helping you.

- Yes, that is correct.

- All right, fine, you're on.

I don't open a lot of olive jars,

but I do open a lot of pickle jars.

And I'm fairly certain that my skills in that area

will transfer over to this new area.

- Bill, I gotta tell ya, that is some weak-ass trash talk.

- Ugh, what's wrong with this wine?

It tastes terrible.

- It's pinot grigio from Ottawa.

What do you expect?

- It's the mug.

The wine doesn't taste right

because I'm not drinking out of my Reno mug.

What if alcohol never tastes the same again

and I end up drinking less?

What if I wake up in the morning feeling okay?

- James, where are we on the investigation?

- It's, uh--it's coming along.

I just need to get a black light on Amazon Prime,

so we're looking at, like, two business days right there.

- Could I speak to you for a second?

You broke the mug, didn't you?

- How did you know?

- You have a tell.

Every time you lie, you're terrible at it.

Look, I know Beth can be a little scary,

but she deserves to know what happened.

- You're right.

Okay, here I go.

So, Beth... - What do you got?

Did you find the gutless rat that broke my mug?

- I did, and I didn't have to look too far

to find him, either.

It was Dan!

- Who's Dan?

- Me, I'm Dan.

Did you need something?

I can't hear well out of my left ear.

- Enough excuses, Dan,

if that's even your real name.

That's probably not even your real mustache either.

- All right, so we got Bill versus Abby

in a test of strength and toughness.

If Abby wins, Bill apologizes,

and if Bill wins, we just kind of keep goin' how we're goin'.

- When I say go,

you both put your hands into the ice

for as long as it takes me to finish my beer.

Are you ready?

On your mark, set, go.

- Okay, no, this is fine.

This isn't bad.

This isn't bad-- oh, my God, it's so bad!

Oh!

Fred, I know for a fact you can drink faster than that.

- Hey, Rosie, that guy ever text you back?

- No, he called.

- Oh, wow.

So I was right. He is a psychopath.

- Knives, knives as fingers.

- And...open the jars.

- [gasping]

- All right, Abby, you got this.

Nice and easy.

- Just gotta--

[jar thuds]

Butterfingers.

Frozen Butterfingers, which are delicious,

but that's a guaranteed trip to the dentist.

- Everything okay, Abs?

- Yeah, just trying to get a grip.

- Ah, done.

- What?

- Why do you all look so shocked?

I told you I had pickle jar skills.

I also predicted that those skills

would carry over into this new area.

Do you remember, from the trash talk?

- No, no, I didn't lose.

You cheated. You dropped the jar.

That must have loosened it.

This doesn't prove you're stronger than me.

We gotta do another challenge.

- Abby, let it go, all right?

Just admit that I'm the champ and you're the chump

and we'll move on.

- No, no, I challenge you to literally anything else.

How about a duel?

Not with guns, obviously, but with swords.

I have swords!

Or, or, a keg carry!

Yes, we'll do a keg carry!

- What?

- Yeah, I'll clear this area, and we'll see who can carry

a full keg around the bar the fastest.

But that's gonna be hard for me to do

because the grill is lit and my hands are burning.

[whimpers]

.

- Why don't you let us handle the bar

until your hands feel better? - Guys, I'm fine.

- You're not fine.

You burned both of your hands. You're in pain.

- No, really, I'm okay.

Somebody high-five me.

Do it!

- Interesting.

- I never thought I'd say this, Bill,

but I need to know right now what you think is interesting.

- I just realized why you got so upset

when I stepped in before.

It's not about me.

You have a problem accepting help from anyone.

- That's not true.

When people hold doors open for me, I walk through them.

I don't just stand there like some weirdo.

- All right, fine, prove me wrong.

Let them help you with the bar.

- No problem. [phone rings]

Fred, would you be so kind as to answer the phone for me?

- Yes.

Hello?

No, this is Abby's, not Arby's.

Yeah, there's one on Midway Drive.

There's one, uh, well, the Mission Gorge Road one,

their bathroom requires a key code so...

I do. It's pound 9244.

- Yeah, whoa, what are you doing over there?

- Oh, there's just a little pileup here

and there's a maraschino cherry sticking to one of the glasses,

so I'm just gonna turn on the sink.

- You don't have to do that

because you don't have a problem accepting help.

Beth can do it, right?

- Sure, I'm always happy to help.

Actually, that's not true at all.

But I will do this now.

- Cool.

Yep, okay.

Yeah, yeah, I'll just-- just go inside

and, uh, I'll just let this happen, yeah.

- Let us know if you need anything.

- I don't-- will do.

- Dan, you've been accused of a bar crime,

breaking the mug of a regular.

Now, in accordance with rule 84,

the trial will now begin

and you will have 30 seconds to defend yourself.

Go!

- Oh, no, I--

It wasn't me. I love mugs.

I have my own mugs at home.

I even drink soup out of mugs.

I would never break a mug.

Ask my friends.

- I mean, once when we were in Oregon,

he did break a plate.

[all gasp]

- Jessica, why?

- A pattern emerges.

- Well, now that all the evidence is in,

who votes guilty?

- Oh, no, but I'm innocent.

- Dan, we just had an exhaustive trial.

You're guilty.

- What's up?

- You're really gonna pin this on Dan?

- I have to.

Beth is scary, and we don't have a lot in common.

We're not tight like you and Abby or me and Bill

or Dan and Jessica, although I think that's over now.

I'm just saying, I feel like if she finds out I broke her mug,

she might cut me out of her life

or cut me with that big shard.

And if she puts her face on my face,

when I go to the club, who ID I'ma use?

- Dan, as per rule 84, subsection B,

I hereby sentence you to an evening in the sprinkler chair.

- Oh, no.

What's the sprinkler chair?

- That chair that sits over the faulty sprinkler head,

which can go off at any moment.

The punishment is the anticipation of getting wet

and also getting wet.

- But I don't want to get wet.

- Wet man walkin'.

- Abby, what are you doing? We got this.

- I'm fine, Bill.

- Okay, just wallow in all that help.

You know, just let it consume you,

like a charitable quicksand.

- Could I get a-- oh, so sorry.

I didn't realize you couldn't do anything.

- [laughs]

Damn, that must have been hard to hear.

- That's it. Everybody stop helping.

- Kind of proving my point here, Abby.

- No, no, no, no.

I would happily accept help if I needed it,

but right now, I don't need it.

So, you, what do you want?

- Um, a bottle of beer.

- Great.

You, go.

- A mojito?

[glass shatters]

[ice clatters]

[glass shatters]

- That'll be 7.50.

Who's next?

.

- All that spilled alcohol.

What a waste.

- Hey, Abby. - Not now, Bill.

I said not now, Bill.

- No, Abby, I just want to apologize, okay.

You were upset before and I pushed

that stupid point so hard and I'm sorry.

- Well, it's not all on you.

It is possible that I may have overreacted

when everyone was helping me.

- Well, I mean, I would never say that but...

other people might say that.

- The thing is, Bill, when you just took over

with those guys earlier, it set something off in me.

You gotta understand, when I was in the Marines,

men were just looking for me to fail,

so I worked hard to make sure I never needed help from anybody.

- I get that, and, well, honestly,

I didn't think I was stepping in before

because you're a woman,

but if it was Fred or James, I don't know if I would have.

- Well, I appreciate you admitting that,

but always step in to help James.

- [laughs]

Here's the thing, though, Abby,

you and I are committing an ongoing criminal conspiracy

to keep an illegal bar operating, so...

we should probably learn to take help from one another.

- Well, I have to admit,

your legal threats were kind of helpful.

- See? Yes.

- I guess I could use some help with my shoe.

The laces have been untied for an hour,

and they're driving me crazy.

- I got ya.

[both grunting]

Do you feel better now? - Yes!

See, Bill, eight different ways just in the neck.

- Oh, ah. [chuckling nervously]

Oh, sorry, thought I heard it going off.

False alarm.

My brain is doing most of the torture.

Ah, there it is!

Nope, sorry, another falsie.

- Beth, I got something I gotta tell you.

I'm the one who broke your mug.

I'm sorry.

- What?

James, why didn't you say something?

- Because our relationship is like your mug.

It's fragile.

We don't have anything in common,

and I was scared that if you knew I broke your mug,

you would cut me out your life

or cut me physically.

And if you put your face on my face,

that's gonna confuse your kids.

- James, come on.

We don't have a lot in common, but I like that.

You know who I have a lot in common with?

The moms at school,

and they never shut up about their kids and their husbands

and their jobs and their charity work.

Ugh, get a life.

We have the most important thing in common

that two people can have: we drink together.

That's a sacred bond.

- [clears throat]

- [gasps] My mug.

- Yeah, I found most of the pieces,

and then Bill filled in the gaps

with this 3-D printer thing he overexplained.

And then he glued it all back together.

Did you guys know that Bill's an engineer?

- Yeah, it's come up. - Is that right?

- Yep, I always keep good glue in my car.

And I see the way you're looking at me,

but I think it's cool and I'm glad I told you.

- Hey, Dan, I've got news!

- Oh, oh! [laughs nervously]

It's worse than I thought.

Oh, the water is very highly pressurized.

Oh, I hate this a lot. It's--oh...

- Blood pact to never talk about this again?

- Yeah. - Sounds good.

- Four-letter word for "word."

This clue is like a snake eating itself.

- So, uh, yesterday, you said

you could beat a nine-year-old with a black belt?

Well, this is Evan Lefkowitz.

He just placed in a national competition.

- Yeah, he could take me.

- [laughs]

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