Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Martin Short's Roast Of Stephen Colbert

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( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I'M NOT DESPERATE, AM I?

>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.

NOT AT ALL.

PEOPLE LOVE NEEDY, PLEASE.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: SO LOVELY TO HAVE YOU ON.

>> OF ALL THE AUDIENCES I'VE EVER COME OUT.

>> Stephen: YES.

>> AND SEEN, THIS IS THE MOST RECENT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I FEEL THAT SAME

WAY.

I FEEL EXACTLY THAT SAME WAY.

>> I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.

>> Stephen: I'M SO EXCITED TO HAVE YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Stephen: I MET YOU ONCE ON THE OLD SHOW, AND I TALKED TO

YOU ONCE AT THE KENNEDY CENTER A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: BUT I'M A HUGE FAN.

>> AND SECOND CITY.

WE HAVE THAT RELATIONSHIP.

>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

I WAS IN SECOND CITY CHICAGO AND--

>> THIS SHOW IS ON FIRE, STEPHEN.

YOU KNOW THAT.

>> Stephen: THIS SHOW?

>> THIS SHOW.

NO, NO, THE OLD SHOW.

>> Stephen: THIS SHOW.

>> I'M TELLING YOU, IF LATE SHOWS WERE RATED BY-- AS THE

TRUMP CHILDREN, THIS WOULD BE IVANKA.

>> Stephen: WOW!

WOW!

( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU!

>> Stephen: I DON'T WANT TO SAY WHO ERIC IS.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> WE WON'T DISCUSS THAT.

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> AND YOU LOOK LIKE A DAMN KID.

YOU NEVER AGE.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

WELL, IT'S THE PANDA PLACENTA THEY RUB ON ME.

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

>> IT'S THE WHOLE CLASSIC KENT MEETS RACHEL MADDOW LOOK, IT'S

JUST NAN FAN I.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

>> I FEEL LIKE I'M SITTING WITH PAUL RYAN WITHOUT THE GYM

MEMBERSHIP.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: I'M HONORED.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> YOU LOOK LIKE THE WORLD'S HIPPEST INSURANCE ADJUSTOR.

YOU REALLY DO.

NO, AND I MEAN THAT WITH LOVE.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M TAKE-- I'M TAKING IT WITH NOTHING BUT LOVE.

>LOVE.

>> AND IS THAT FEBREZE?

THAT'S GOOD.

>> Stephen: IF YOU CAN'T SMELL IT, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

>> IT'S ALL CHANGED.

IT'S SO DIFFERENT.

>> Stephen: IT REALLY IS.

>> FROM DAVE -- >> Stephen: IT WAS GREAT TO BE

ON.

I LOVED COMING ON WITH DAVE.

WE CHANGED THE THEATER A LITTLE BIT.

>> STAGE, THE DECOR, PAUL LOOKS DIFFERENT.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

PAUL-- PAUL TRIMMED DOWN.

( APPLAUSE ) YEAH.

>> THE TIGHTEST WORKING SUIT IN SHOW BUSINESS.

NO ONE WEARS TIGHTER CLOTHES.

>> Jon: GOTTA HAVE IT.

>> LOOK AT THAT!

IF HE ATE A GRAPE, A BUTTON WOULD POP OFF AND BLIND AN

AUDIENCE MEMBER.

IT'S SO STYLE -- >> Stephen: I CAN'T GET NEAR

HIM.

COULD I ASK YOU REALLY QUICK IS THIS-- THAT LOOKS REALLY FANCY.

IT'ST HAS A CANADIAN LEAF ON YOUR LAPEL.

>> THIS IS THE ORDER OF CANADA.

IT'S A CANADIAN KNIGHTHOOD.

ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOU.

>> Stephen: A CANADIAN KNIGHTHOOD, I ARE YOU A SIR?

>> WE DON'T USE IT.

>> Stephen: CANADIANS DON'T USE THAT.

>> IT'S THE HIGHEST HONOR YOU CAN GET AS A CIVILIAN IN CANADA.

>> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S NICE.

>> OH, PLEASE, I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT HOW YOU GOT STARTED!

>> Stephen: SO, OKAY, YOU-- EVERYBODY-- I HAVE BEEN A FAN OF

YOURSELF SINCE THE SCTV DAYS.

AISE SAID, I'M SECOND CITY.

YOU'RE SECOND CITY TORONTO, AND I'M SECOND CITY CHICAGO, AND

THAT IS THE FIRST ONE, THE ONE THAT SORT WAS--

>> THAT WAS THE LEGENDARY ONE.

AND IN '73 IT STARTED A SISTER COMPANY IN TORONTO.

>> Stephen: WHICH WAS, "OH, THIS IS THE SISTER COMPANY."

BUT WHEN I GOT TO SECOND CITY, YOURS WAS THE COOL PLACE.

>> WHEN DID YOU START?

>> Stephen: 1557, IT WAS ME, ELAINE MAY, JEAN TRUBNICK.

>> AND A LOT OF YUCK 'UNS.

WHEN I WENT TO CHICAGO SECOND CITY, I WOULD THINK THEY'RE SO

INTELLECTUAL AND IT'S POLITICAL AND WELL WRITTEN.

DID I JUST HEAR A CAMOO REFERENCE.

>> Stephen: YOU COULD HEAR IT BECAUSE NO ONE WAS LAUGHING.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CRICKETS SOUND ).

>> YOU GO TO TORONTO, AND CATHERINE O'HARE PLAYING DRUNK

TRUCKERS ALL NIGHT.

AND IT WAS ALL CHARACTER DRIVEN, AND TOW ME IT WAS MAYBE A LITTLE

FUNNIER.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT WASN'T SHOCKING THAT SCTV

CAME OUT OF THE CANADIAN ONES BECAUSE IT WAS CHARACTER.

>> Stephen: EVERYBODY WOULD SAY, "OH, YOU'RE AT SECOND CITY,

LIKE SCTV."

AND I SAID, "NO, THAT'S TORONTO.

THOSE ARE THE COOL KIDS."

I HAVE ADMIRED YOU AS A COMEDIC ACTOR FOR YEARS, BUT YOU'RE A

GREAT ACTOR.

I IMAGINE YOU HAVE TO HAVE DRAMATIC CHOPS, TOO.

ARE WE GOING TO SEE MARTIN SHORT HAMLET OR McBETH OR "DEATH OF

A SALESMAN."

>> I DON'T THINK ANYONE-- AND I MEAN ANYONE-- WANTS TO SEE THAT.

>> Stephen: WOULD YOU WANT TO SEE THAT?

>> NO, THEY DON'T.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO THEY DON'T.

>> Stephen: YES, THEY DO.

>> NO, THEY DON'T.

BECAUSE I THINK YOU MAKE A DEAL WITH THESE CLOWNS AND SAY, YOU

KNOW,, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ONE OF THE MONKEYS-- LIKE IF YOU GO TO

THE ZOO AND THE MONKEY CAN BE REFLECTIVE, THE MONKEY CAGE, AND

THEY CAN BE DEPRESSED OR SAD BUT YOU MOVE ON.

YOU WANT THEM TO JUMP AROUND AND SPIN.

I'M A MONKEY.

SO-- BUT ONE TIME-- WHEN I WAS-- WHEN I WAS 24, I DID-- I

STRETCHED.

AND I DID A DRAMATIC PLAY.

>> Stephen: WHAT WAS IT?

>> IT WAS CALLED "FORTUNE IN MEN'S EYES."

IT WAS A PRISON PLAY.

AND WE WERE ALL MEN IN PRISON.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS THEN.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE DIRECTOR WAS AN AVANT

GARDE MAN, AND HE THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD BE VERY COOL IF THE

ACTORS, THE FIVE ACTORS, WERE ALL IN THE PRISON, AND WE HAD TO

PACE AROUND JUST IN OUR UNDERWEAR.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> PACING, PACING THE STAGE, PAITION THE STAGE-- AS THE

AUDIENCE CAME IN.

AND COMING IN TO THE THEATER THAT NIGHT WAS GILDA RADNER, MY

THEN-GIRLFRIEND.

PAUL SCHAEFFER, THE FABULOUS PAUL SCHAEFFER, AND EUGENE LEVY.

AND PAUL-- THIS WAS IN HAMILTON,ON TEARIO, 40 MILES

WEST OF TORONTO.

AND PAUL SAID, "I WANT TO SEE YOU IN THE PLAY, MARTIN, BUT I'M

EXCITED TO GO TO SHAKESPEARE'S STEAK HOUSE.

YEEAH, SHAKESPEARE."

>> Stephen: THAT WAS A LOCAL RESTAURANT.

>> YEAH, THAT WAS A LOCAL RESTAURANT, AND PAUL LOVED IT.

THEY COME, AND UP I'M ON STAGE AND PACING AND IN THE UNDERWEAR.

AND I SEE PAUL COMING CLOSELY TO THE LIP OF THE STAGE.

AND I'M THINKING, "I'M GOING TO KILL HIM.

WHAT IS HE DOING IS THERE?

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK.

AND HE GUESS, "PSST, MARTY!

PSST, MARTY!

SHAKESPEARE'S IS CLOSED."

HE SAID, "WINK IF BAVARRIAN SEAFOOD MAKES SENSE."

OKAY.

( LAUGHTER ) AND I WAS BAD IN IT.

I WASN'T GOOD.

I WAS KIND OF DOING THE TOUGH GUY, YOU KNOW.

IT WAS JUST NOT GOOD.

AND THEN AT THE END OF IT, GILDA CAME UP TO ME AND SAID, "OH,

HONEY, NEVER DO A PLAY LIKE THIS AGAIN, PLEASE."

>> Stephen: CAN I GO BACK TO PAUL SCHAEFFER ASKING YOU-- DID

HE SAY "DOES BAVARRIAN SEAFOOD MAKE SENSE?"

>> HE DID.

>> Stephen: BAVARRIA IS LANDLOCKED.

DOES NEBRASKA SEAFOOD MAKE SENSE?

>> I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS A GOOD RESTAURANT BUT THAT'S WHERE WE

WENT.

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MARTIN SHORT.

STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.

The Description of Martin Short's Roast Of Stephen Colbert