Okay, it's time to beat this dead horse some more.
Ghostbusters is not a good movie.
It's not horrendous,
but it's completely devoid of anything interesting, original, or even funny, most of the time.
[Which one of these makes me look more like a doctor?]
[Me playing saxophone or me listening to saxophone?]
[He improvised all these jokes that are in the movie,]
[and he's hilarious and handsome.] [So funny.]
[Yeah, it's not fair. It's not fair.]
[So, so, so funny. So funny.]
There's some good things about this movie, I guess.
I think the cast, for the most part, was good.
For the most part.
I liked some of the gadgets, I guess.
A few jokes made me laugh.
For a Sony movie, I gotta say, it's actually really good.
They broke new ground with this film by having a coherent story,
a plot that moves forward,
and scenes that serve a purpose and lead to the next scene.
A lot of their movies don't do that.
There are a lot of missed opportunities here.
I think if anyone cared or tried to make a movie that exceeded expectations,
then this movie could've been much better.
[We're just excited for the movie to come out,]
[for people to finally see it and, uh...]
[I love it, and... I think they're gonna love it, too.]
[They gon' shut up.]
This is, of course, subjective.
If you find it funny, I guess I can't argue with you.
Armoured Skeptic saw this movie with his daughter, and they both enjoyed it, so.
Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
I'm going to be making some comparisons with other comedy films
such as the original Ghost Busters,
and I'm going to discuss why these movies work
while this one doesn't.
And believe me, there are a lot of reasons.
You could say... there are a lot of reasons Ghostbusters sucks.
The problem with the writing is that there isn't a lot of writing.
There's a lot of improv in this film, and this isn't a good thing.
I haven't seen the script and I don't know if the script's online.
God, I gotta check now...
Oh, I found it.
Oh, I got it.
But yes, if I were to actually look at the script for this movie,
I doubt there would be an awful lot of dialogue in it.
A lot of the movie feels like they just wrote scenarios.
"Okay guys, we're gonna sit you down in this chair."
"Chris Hemsworth, you're the silly one."
"The rest of you are silly, too. But not as silly as Chris Hemsworth."
"And we have a bunch of test logos here."
"And Chris Hemsworth, you're gonna try to pitch them to the Ghostbusters."
"Let's see what hilarity ensues."
[Well, uh, what about this one?]
[I think that- I think that's already a thing.]
[It's Seven Eleven.]
[Yep, it is. I have another option, though.]
[Good! Good! Got it. Great. Good.]
As a result, the dialogue isn't flowing naturally.
There's a lot of stops and starts.
Watch this clip from the old Ghostbusters.
[Forget MIT or Stanford now. They wouldn't touch us with a ten-meter cattle prod.]
[You're always so concerned about your reputation.]
[Einstein did his best stuff when he was working as a patent clerk.]
[You know how much a patent clerk earns?] [No!]
[Personally, I like the university. They gave us money and facilities. We didn't have to produce anything.]
[You've never been out of college. You don't know what it's like out there.]
[I've worked in the private sector.]
[They expect results.]
The flow is very natural because each piece of information is given to you
one after the other in a natural way,
and you don't even notice because it just feels like a normal conversation.
This is 'cause they had a decent script to follow, and it leads them from one point...
[Where are we gonna get the money?]
...to the next point.
[You're never gonna regret this, Ray.]
[My parents left me that house. I was born there!]
[You're not gonna lose the house. Everybody has three mortgages nowadays.]
A lot of comedies do this.
The jokes and the story are intertwined with each other. They work together.
The movie doesn't stop to tell the story, nor does it stop to tell a joke.
Both are happening simultaneously.
That takes talent and hard work.
Let's look at this scene from the new Ghostbusters.
[There is no experimental backing for anything in that book.]
[And it makes me look like a crazy person!]
[God, are you kidding me?!] [What?]
[I got 𝘰𝘯𝘦 wonton. I got a tub of soup]
[and I got one split wonton. Look at that, just floatin' there.]
This scene is moving forward, and then we have to stop it
to insert a random fuckin' joke that doesn't make sense.
And then we get back on topic.
When you constantly stop the scenes to tell a dumb joke that isn't funny and then continue it,
it makes the scene feel like it went on longer than it had to.
Luckily, I had a friend who was there on the Ghostbuster set.
Like, he was one of the extras. He was here during this scene,
and this scene took an entire day to shoot, even though it's just a scene of four people talking.
This is probably 'cause they let the actors improv for, like, six hours.
And then out of that six hours of footage, they're like,
"Okay, I guess these 30 seconds are good," and then they threw it in there.
[It's my fault, anyway. The box said the color was called 'Garfield.']
[It wasn't even the cat. It was the... president.]
Yeah, t-that's honestly the best they had.
[Mine was, uh, 'Woman with a Secret.']
[And she was kinda going shh, and then she appeared to be in the canoe.]
You can tell the difference between a group of writers who really give a shit about what they're making,
and spent 𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘬𝘴 just ironing out the script,
making sure it's as funny and as smooth as possible.
And then you get a movie like this, where you just sit a bunch of actors down and have them talk.
If you have four funny people in the movie,
then they gotta be funny, 'cause they're four funny people.
If you have a funny person eating Pringles during the scene,
it's funny because they're a funny person.
[Once you pop.]
It's not distracting and awkward at all.
Speaking of that, this review is brought to you by our sponsor:
Paranormal Hunter Ghosts.
A new show on Mix TV.
Check out this exclusive teaser.
(whispering) There are reports of a ghost in the vicinity.
I'm going to go bust them.
[Get the fuck outta my--]
The characters in this movie are fucking awful.
Let's go through them one by one.
Starting with the one I like the most: Leslie Jones.
Leslie Jones is grounded.
Much like Bill Murray, she's the one that we can connect to the most.
Because she acts the most like a person,
and not like a crazy scientist cartoon character.
[You truly scare me, I just wanna let you know that.]
Whenever she makes a joke... for the most part, it isn't forced
or out of character.
[Not everyone's gotta be a scientist. Someone has to be there to represent the audience]
[and what the everyday person might think of the situation.]
[That was her comic role, and everything she says is so funny because]
[it's what you as the audience member is already thinking about these three crazy people]
[who, um... you know, she allows us to--]
[she allows us into the world. And that, I think, is the most important role.]
[She's the Chandler Bing, if you will, who's making observations about what's going on]
[and if you don't think that's noble, that's-that's your problem.]
The only problem is, she has no motivation to be doing this.
Like, Kristen Wiig is trying to prove herself,
and these two like science, I guess.
But Leslie Jones just shows up, like,
"Hey, I wanna be friends with you guys. Let's hunt ghosts."
And they're like, "Sure."
[We are scientists, plus Patty.]
Kate McKinnon: She's a complete cartoon character.
And she's mostly there just to say zany, wacky things.
["Ghost tits" was my nickname in middle school.]
No one put any restraints on her, so she just kinda does whatever she wants.
She's just nuts.
Kate McKinnon is also there just to react to things.
There's a lot of just crazy reaction shots of her.
Woah. Look how... crazy she thinks this is.
Even though she's crazy.
Kristen Wiig is supposed to be the straight man, or the straight woman,
except she's funny, too.
She has to have tons of jokes and be awkward.
And right when she starts to actually get into the character she's supposed to be playing,
which is, like, a boring scientist,
she has to come out with something funny.
Because Kristen Wiig is an amazing comedian and she has to be funny, too.
[Bradley, you listen to me!]
[Get out of the city! Get out of the city!]
Melissa McCarthy sucks.
I tried giving her a chance. I really did.
And I just fuckin' hate her in everything I've ever seen.
She always plays a sightly damaged, rude, annoying character.
Who in the end, has a heart of gold.
That's her only gimmick.
In this, she doesn't really have that, 'cause she doesn't have a character.
They just said "Melissa McCarthy, you're gonna be a crazy scientist."
And I guess they figured she'd make up a character from there.
And as a result, she does nothing.
The only thing she can do is just fall down and, like, knock into things.
[I love to hurl myself into walls or... anywhere, really.]
[She's very good at it.]
And just do a bunch of slapstick and physical comedy that isn't funny.
She has this joke with soup that goes on even to the end credits.
And I'm just bewildered, because I-I don't know what's supposed to be funny about it.
Like, they give her soup, and sometimes there's too much soup,
and it's like, am I on a different planet here?
Christ Hemsworth is another character in it, like a side character.
He's 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 bad in this.
They give Chris Hemsworth this very simplistic character.
"You're the dumb one, so act dumb."
Except he acts like he's never been on Earth before.
[Don't listen!] [laughs]
[Oh, he covered his eyes.]
It's not funny because the jokes don't make sense.
If there's a loud noise, you know that noise comes in through your ears,
like, that's instinct.
[God, that's loud, huh?]
[It's loud.] [It's loud.]
When you put your hands over your eyes
and you hear a noise, you know that it doesn't work.
I-It's just- it's more confusing than funny.
(computer voice) [Ralph. You are just a nitpicking faggot.]
[You are taking this film too seriously.]
[Jokes don't need to be explained and if you just sit back and not hate everything,]
[you will enjoy the film.]
[You don't enjoy any films ever because you are a nitpicking faggot.]
[The joke where Thor covers his eyes is funny 'cause noise comes through your ears, not eyes.]
[It's a good joke.]
[Your jokes sucks.]
[Kill yourself, retard.]
I'm not saying that these people aren't funny,
because all of them are capable of being funny.
I'm saying they had absolutely nothing to work with.
So what were they supposed to do?
Finally, let's talk about the villain.
The villain is...
[Children will be pestered limb from limb in front of their own parents.]
[The parents will be pestered in half.]
[And pestered in half again.]
Unlike Ghostbusters, I actually have a script for this review.
And in the script under the villain part,
I just have written "dot dot dot."
Because that's exactly how I feel about him.
His motivation is that he doesn't like people?
So they should all be terrorized by ghosts?
That's about as good of a motivation as Electro.
This is the Dirtmeister mansion.
One of the most haunted areas in the United States of America.
There was a young man by the name of Phillip.
Phillip had a wide array of Zingos.
One of the Zingos was named Faxy Dirtmeister,
His spirit can still be felt inside his Zingos.
I definitely sense a strong amount of energy around him.
[He's going upstairs!] Where?!
[He's here!] WHERE?!
GET THE HFWK!!
Everyone's the comedic relief, all the time.
All four members of the team play the comedic relief.
That isn't counting, of course, Chris Hemsworth.
Who is also the comedic relief.
[You know, an aquarium is a submarine for fish.]
This is the problem when you hire four comedians.
They all try to outdo each other. And they all try to be funny.
You don't all have to be funny all the time.
[Girl.] [It's got a lot of teeth]
[And he thinks he's doing ya a favor. And you're like, "Get it off me."]
[He ripped that v-neck off and he gets it busy, man.]
[And he's got-- he rips that v-neck off, he's got another v-neck underneath.]
Egon has a few funny lines.
[Do you have any hobbies?]
[I collect spores, mold, and fungus.]
Ray has a few funny lines.
I don't think Winston has, like, any funny lines.
Janine has, like, two funny lines.
Peter Venkman is the funny one.
[The power grid was shut off by dickless here.]
[They caused an explosion!]
[Is this true?]
[Yes, it's true.]
[This man has no dick.]
Everyone else just took their job very seriously
and that really added to their characters.
They treated the ghost scenario as if it were real and set in the real world.
Even though the original film is funny and has tons of great jokes in it,
they treat the subject matter seriously
so that there are stakes to the story.
When they're hunting ghosts, they don't treat it like it's a fuckin' SNL skit.
[Guys, this looks like my kitchen.]
Everyone's trying so hard to be funny all the time.
It gets extremely irritating.
And as a result, they all end up being one-dimensional cartoon characters.
Crazy scientist that falls down a lot.
Crazy scientist that yells random things.
Crazy scientist that's awkward.
No one even seems scared by the ghosts.
[I just want people to laugh, and these-]
[how can you not laugh with-with these amazingly funny people?]
(interviewer laughs) [I could give you a few reasons.]
We received some calls
saying that there was mysterious paranormal activity going on
in this hotel.
What seems to be the source of all this paranormal dark energy
is room 420 in the hotel.
Which we are going to explore today.
in Paranormal Hunter Ghosts.
Sony is just the dumbest company.
These are the guys who ruined Spiderman and then gave it to Marvel.
The same company that released some boring comedy on Netflix instead of theaters
because Kim Jong Un kinda made a threat.
And instead of going "Fuck you, we're releasing the movie anyway," they pussied out.
And now they make another mediocre comedy
and choose to make the worst fuckin' trailers I've ever seen.
[Let's go.] [Let's go.]
[Oh, did you wanna-?] [I'm sorry, I'll let you.] [Next time.]
There is really no denying how awful this trailer is.
Of course this movie isn't bad 'cause the trailer is bad.
If the marketing for this movie was bad, but the movie itself was good,
I wouldn't be talking about this.
But it's a fun thing to discuss. So let's do it.
What could've made this movie do well?
Listen here, Sony. Free advice:
#1: Show the original Ghostbusters in the trailer.
And show them more prominently in the movie.
Everyone from the original Ghostbusters should make a cameo.
Besides the one that's actually a ghost.
And why not put them in the trailer? That would've gotten people excited.
Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Sigourney Weaver, were all in the movie.
And yet, they didn't show them in the trailer.
People woulda gotten excited. Especially if you had cast them as the original characters.
#2: Use the original Ghostbusters music.
Enough with this dubstep shit.
(Ghostbusters dubstep remix)
No one wants to hear this crap.
You didn't hear this shit in the Force Awakens trailer.
Play the original Ghostbusters theme during the trailer.
Bring back the feelings of nostalgia.
They start the trailer right. They use what I call the "nostalgia piano."
They use this in the Force Awakens trailer.
[Who are you?]
And the Jurassic World trailer.
[Evacuate the island.]
[She's a highly intelligent animal.]
The nostalgia piano even makes a short cameo in the movie.
But then they decide to go into dubstep.
[Very hard to wash off.]
And then there's also this, like, Fall Out Boy rendition of the Ghostbusters theme
which is just fuckin' awful.
[Whenever you have a concept such as, like, ghosts or extraterrestrials or any of that stuff,]
[when you do it in a funny way, it's alwa-- I mean I dunno, like, it's like when there's relatable characters
[or relatable humor, it's funny.]
#3: Reboot, not remake.
If the previous two movies were canon,
we literally get to see the old Ghostbusters pass the torch to the new Ghostbusters.
We get to see the original cast together one last time.
Except the one that died.
Paying tribute to Harold Ramis would've also been a great way to win fans over.
Maybe have a scene where Bill and Dan talk about how great Ramis was
and how much they miss him.
Then have a little card at the end of the movie that says, "In memory of Harold Ramis."
#5: References to the original that aren't dumb.
Whenever they do have, like, iconic things from the original,
they just fuck it up.
#6: Don't kill Bill Murray as a punchline.
Killing Bill Murray as a joke isn't the best way to win over fans.
You're trying not to piss fans off.
'Cause those are the ones that give ya money.
I don't see any ghosts right now
but you can definitely sense there's a lot of dark energy in this room.
I noticed mysterious activity
if you go back to the video footage,
you're gonna see that a pen flew out my ectoplasm pack.
If you look right here, the temperature's at 69 degrees.
The ghost always wants it at 69 degrees for some reason.
Sound and color.
I'm referring to the sound design and the picture.
I-It was a clever way of working in Sound and Color by Alabama Shakes,
which is the song playing right now. You fucking get it.
The film has a very flat look and bad sound design.
And plus there are, like, tons of really bad continuity errors.
They go in this portal at night and they pull 'em out and it's broad daylight.
Were they in that portal for, like, a few hours? Did time move faster in the portal?
[You were gone two seconds.]
No, I guess not.
Now we get to the stupid ending.
It goes from a cheesy, bad comedy, to a cheesy, bad action film
filled with bad puns...
[Say hello to my little--]
and bad v-effects.
Paul Feig is a lot of things, and I'll give him some credit,
but he ain't a good action director.
Then it tries to be dramatic and sad at the end.
[I wasn't gonna leave you twice.]
Like, what? What?
[You know what?]
[A little help, please?]
[Can I have another beverage, please?]
[And a muffin, thanks.]
[Oh my god.]
[Are you a wizard?]
Do you give a shit?
What a bunch of assholes! Honestly.
This is some inside joke. This is a blooper, basically.
And they threw it in the movie because they thought it was funny.
You want people to give the movie a chance,
and you don't even give a shit!
And you just throw some scene that you-you looked back at
and you thought it was kinda funny, even though it doesn't fit in the movie at all,
even though it doesn't make any sense in the context of the movie,
and you just throw in the blooper. 'Cause it's funny.
[Just-just judge the movie on its own merit.]
And then you're laughing behind the scenes, like, "If these Ghostbusters fans don't like this scene,
"and they don't think it's funny, then they're just nitpicking."
"They don't know how to have a good time. Who cares if this scene doesn't make any sense?"
Oh, w-w-what's that?
That's the box office.
Oh, t-that's rather low.
I wonder why.
It's the same movie.
This movie has the exact same story as the original Ghostbusters.
The movie starts with the scene where the ghost shows up.
In the original Ghostbusters, the scene is, like, a minute long.
And in this movie, for some reason, it's this ten-minute-long sequence that's boring and isn't funny.
"But Ralph, you said not every scene has to be funny."
You're right, I did. But this movie clearly is only interested in making dumb jokes.
So why doesn't this scene have dumb jokes in it?
Then they meet up.
Then they have the initial contact with the ghost.
Then they get their headquarters.
In the old movie, it's a firehouse.
In this movie, it's a Chinese food place.
This is the place that gives Melissa McCarthy all that crazy soup.
Hey Melissa McCarthy, if you don't like the soup, then don't go to this restaurant.
Stop fucking annoying me with the soup joke!
Then they get the secretary.
Then they have their first successful ghost capture.
Then they get their vehicle.
Then a bunch of ghosts break loose and they try to warn the mayor.
Then they have to fight a giant white, fluffy, cute monster.
And then they have to cross the streams. It's the only way.
[I don't think we're reinventing the wheel.] [No.]
[But people are acting like... we've...]
[I know. It's a strange th-- it's...] [killed someone.] [Yeah.]
It's odd, 'cause the people who made this movie seem to hate the original Ghostbusters
since they take none of the material seriously,
constantly make fun of the fan base...
[Look at these comments.] [You shouldn't be reading this stuff.]
[You're not supposed to listen to what crazy people write in the middle of the night online.]
Instead of making a subtle, smart comedy,
they made a loud, annoying comedy.
(hip hop music)
[Go Kev! Go Kev! Go Kev! Go Kev!]
I guess they needed to fill more time, so they added four dance sequences.
They just make me want to kill myself.
But still, they constantly steal from the original.
It's like they spent no time working on the story.
Why not just make an original movie with these four characters doing something else?
Besides the obvious.
It was just a bad idea from the getgo.
And maybe if the movie had been good, that would've helped, but it isn't good.
If you thought it was funny, then good for you. There's not much I can do to sway you.
But everything about this movie was just so lazy and bland.
The only ones who were trying are the leads, and the problem is they're trying too hard,
so it just becomes irritating.
It's one of those crappy, forgettable comedies that come out every once in a while
that suck but no one sees it, and it just doesn't matter.
They just took that template, put Ghostbusters in it, and thought it would work out.
And i-it didn't.
Wait. Hold on.
I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Like there's something I should talk about.
I'm trying to remember what it is.
Nah, I'm sorry, I can't remember.
I mean, I talked about the movie, so it can't be anything that important.
You hear that?
The camera's gone!
Did you see where it went? [growling]