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[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[upbeat rock music]

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[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much for joining us.

Just time for a quick recap of the week.

And we begin with the Trump administration,

where over 70% of Americans have now served

at least two months in a cabinet-level position.

I myself was the Secretary of Labor

between January and February, and it did not go well.

This week saw yet another cabinet member

in serious trouble, with EPA administrator

Scott Pruitt facing questions about ethics violations

and questionable spending.

- Documents show he spent $832,000

in the first quarter of his term

on security costs.

He's been accused of wasteful spending

on first-class and private flights,

installing a soundproof phone booth for $43,000.

One Democrat demanding answers

on why Pruitt requested

security 24/7,

including, allegedly, on personal trips

to Disneyland and the Rose Bowl.

- Okay, so I'm actually-- I'm a little torn on this one,

because on one hand, that does seem wasteful,

but on the other hand,

if anyone needs security at Disneyland,

it's Scott Pruitt, a man who even

Mickey and Minnie Mouse would tell to go fuck himself.

"Hey, Space Mountain is gonna be underwater

"in ten years, you son of a bitch!

Get him, Minnie! Get him!"

Now, this is--this is a pretty sudden fall

from grace for Pruitt,

who's been a conservative favorite

for his aggressively pro-industry stance--

so aggressive, in fact, that even though

he is literally in charge of the EPA,

his LinkedIn page still lists him as

"a leading advocate against the EPA's activist agenda."

Pruitt actually appeared on Fox News this week,

but seemed completely unprepared.

For instance, it had already emerged

that he had bypassed the White House

to give big raises to two of his favorite aides,

and this was his response.

- Why did you go around the president

and the White House to give pay raises

to two staffers? - I did not.

My staff did, and I found out

about that yesterday and I changed it.

- So is someone gonna be fired for that?

- That should not have been done.

And it may-- - So who did it?

- There will be some accountability on that.

- A career person or a political person?

- I'll have to-- I don't know.

I don't know. - You don't know?

You run the agency. You don't know who did it?

- I found out about this yesterday,

and I corrected the action.

- Okay, okay, first,

that is clearly not the Fox News tone

that Pruitt was expecting,

because that is the face of a man

who thought he was walking into an Applebee's

and ended up in an apple full of bees.

"What? What? What is this,

"and why is this happening to me?

Why?"

And... and things got even worse

because Pruitt also took flack this week

for the fact that, when he first moved to D.C.,

he paid just $50 a night to stay in a condo

linked to a prominent energy lobbyist, which,

for the whole "drain the swamp" administration,

is particularly hard to take.

And his pushback was, frankly, pathetic.

- That is something that, again,

has been reviewed by ethics officials here.

They've said that it's market-rate.

- You're renting from the wife of a lobbyist.

- You could go on Craigslist today.

It's been done in the last week.

- But a cabinet secretary is gonna go on--

- Craigslist today shows rentals for one bedroom

of less than $1,000, so-- on Capitol Hill,

near the area. - I've never heard of

an apartment like that. I've lived in Washington

over 25 years. - Yeah, well...

- Now--now, I know that $50 a night sounds ridiculous,

but to be fair to him, we checked Airbnb,

and it turns out, you can actually find places

for $50 a night in D.C.

There is this place, with an intriguing photo

of what your room will look like,

and a second intriguing photo showing you

what the room looks like with the lights turned on.

Also, there is this place,

which seems to be a bed wedged between the door

to the room and the front door,

and which, for the record, is listed on the site

as a "glistening private bedroom and bath,"

which begs the question:

Oh, why is it glistening, though?

And finally, there is this one

for just $30 a night, where the ad is literally named

"A Leather Couch Named Black Beauty."

It's true.

$30 to stay on someone's couch.

And I'm sorry, but I have a strict rule

where I do not stay at the apartment

of anyone who names their furniture.

"You've met Black Beauty.

"This is our fridge, Coolio;

"our vacuum, Sir Sucks-A-Lot;

"and our tufted ottoman, Melanie.

She--she just really looks like a Melanie."

But perhaps the best sign

that Pruitt knew he was getting a suspiciously favorable deal

is just how loath he was to give it up,

because his lease was reportedly

just through April 1st of last year,

but several months later, he was still there.

- Politico reports Pruitt overstayed his welcome.

Landlords were so frustrated with their lingering tenant

that they eventually pushed him out

and changed their locks.

- Well, that is unfortunate, but, silver lining:

it's Black Beauty time, baby!

Go get some of that pseudo-public-unwashed-leather,

Scotty.

Go make it glisten.

Make it shine!

And yet--and yet, somehow, this story gets even weirder,

because taxpayers wound up paying $2,400

to repair a door at that apartment,

damaged for the dumbest possible reason.

- Now ABC News has learned of this bizarre incident

at the apartment last year.

- I need an ambulance please.

- An urgent 911 call.

- They say he's unconscious and he's unresponsive.

- Pruitt's protective detail breaking down the door.

Inside, the cabinet secretary, unresponsive.

- Engine three, medic two,

responding to unconscious person.

- The EPA is not commenting on the incident,

but sources tell us Pruitt was just napping.

- He was napping. Napping!

And it's not the most important detail here,

but the day that happened was a Wednesday.

So on top of everything else,

the director of the EPA was sitting at home,

taking a nap in the middle of the day

on a Wednesday.

Get the fuck up, Pruitt! You've got a country to ruin!

[cheers and applause]

And yet--and yet, amazingly,

as of this taping, Pruitt somehow still has a job,

with the president saying on Thursday,

"I think he's done a fantastic job at EPA.

I think he'll be fine."

And who knows why he thinks that?

Maybe it's because Pruitt's doing

exactly what Trump wanted him to do:

dismantling the EPA and wrecking the environment.

Or maybe Trump just now knows

that if you want to get rid of Scott Pruitt,

you're gonna have to kick his door down,

wake him from a nap, drag him out,

and eventually change the fucking locks.

So for now, let's move on to Hungary,

located between the beautiful eastern European nations

of "don't-care-never-will"

and "I get it, I'm bad at geography."

Now, Hungary had a parliamentary election today,

and while the official results won't be out for weeks,

there is a clear favorite.

- Hungary's right-wing prime minister,

Viktor Orban, is set to secure

his fourth term in office, and critics say

the country's democracy is on the line.

His ruling coalition has passed laws

targeting independent media,

and his party has campaigned heavily against immigrants.

- It's true. It looks like Hungary

is getting more Viktor Orban,

the right-wing populist and henchman number three

in a video-on-demand Steven Seagal movie.

And Orban is a deeply unpleasant leader,

virulently anti-immigrant,

and with more than a whiff of the strong man about him.

In fact, calling him a dictator

wouldn't really be a huge exaggeration.

Calling him a dictator to his face

would be absolutely amazing,

and incredibly, that happened.

Just watch EU Commission president,

Jean-Claude Juncker, greet him

just a few years back.

- [chuckles]

[indistinct conversation]

- You have got to hand it to Juncker.

He just looked a man right in the eyes,

called him a dictator, slapped him in the face,

and got away with it.

My man from Luxembourg

don't give a fuck-xembourg.

And although-- although Orban seems to have

this election locked up,

he did actually face some competition

from a party called "Jobbik," a party which,

until very recently,

was actually to the right of Orban.

How far to the right?

Well, Jobbik is a historically anti-Semitic party.

As recently as 2014,

a Jobbik official referred to the Holocaust

as a "holoscam."

Yet, amazingly,

some on the left have supported Jobbik

out of sheer spite for Orban,

with the socialist candidate even declaring

that he'd work with them, saying,

"We have to cooperate with everyone,

even with the devil"...

which is a weird way to put that,

because even in the Bible,

there is no one worse than the devil--

except of course for Cookie, the panda bear

who got diarrhea all over Noah's ark.

But...but the truly fascinating part

of Hungary's elections is the fact

that public money is made available for their elections,

with the state offering cash

for every candidate put forward.

And that's a nice idea,

but it has led to a flood of fake parties

that frequently emerge,

absorb the money, and then disappear.

And some of them don't really seem to put in much effort.

Among the parties submitted to the National Election Office

were the Party for the Poor,

Party for All the Poor,

the Hungarian Party of Poor People,

and the Hungarian Party of People Who Want to Do,

which sounds less like a political party

and more like a no-nonsense Hungarian orgy.

"We did not come to party for shrimp cocktail.

"We are Hungarian people who want to do.

"Let's do.

"Let's do right now, right here, at the do party.

Let's do."

So...so, to recap, in Hungary,

there are real parties and there are fake parties.

And there's also actually a third category

that falls between them: joke parties,

like the Two-Tailed Dog Party,

who've made promises including eternal life,

two sunsets a day, a network of express buses

which stop nowhere,

and flooding the streets with beer on holidays

to combat traffic problems.

And if you are-- if you're at all interested

in what their candidates look like,

I give you a truly incredible interview

on Hungarian television.

- [speaking Hungarian] - The next candidate

to present their program

is the Hungarian Two-Tailed Dog Party.

- Our guest is József Tichy-Rács

from Two-Tailed Dog Party,

nominated candidate and spokesman from Sopron.

Good evening. - Kotkodács.

- Okay, first of all, the sound that chickens make

is not "kotkodács,"

so I'm gonna go out on a limb here

and say that is not a real chicken.

That chicken man's appearance, though, actually only happened

because that Hungarian TV channel promised

to give five minutes of airtime to every party.

And you have to hand it to that chicken,

because he used his time wisely

by reading a pre-prepared statement.

- Kotkotkotács, kodács, kodács, kotkodács, kodács.

Kotkodács, kodács.

Kotkodács, kodács, kodács, kodács.

Kotkodács, kodács.

Kotkotkotács, kot, kodács.

Kotkodács, kodács, kodács, kotkotkotács, kot.

- [speaking Hungarian] - I didn't want to interrupt,

but we only have 23 seconds left.

- Oh, oh, do you?

How on Earth is he going to use those remaining seconds?

I'm guessing he might touch on "kotkotkotács."

I absolutely love that chicken, and not just because

I identify with beaky Europeans

in rectangular black-rimmed glasses, but...

but because--you're laughing too hard at that.

But I'm laughing because if Hungary's choice was between

an incumbent threatening its very democracy

and a party trying to pivot away

from its anti-Semitic past,

you can make a good case that "kotkotkotács"

might not actually have been their stupidest option.

And now, this.

announcer: And now, coming up on "The Doctors"...

- Stress is bad, but did you know...

- It's also shrinking our brains.

- Not to worry. The docs can stop the shrink.

Then, cannabis for kids? The doctors debate.

Plus, why police weren't horsing around

with this woman accused of DUI.

- That's a real thing.

- Plus, a trip to paradise takes a terrifying turn

as a man's testicle explodes.

- This is real. - Plus, it was one of the most

embarrassing medical confessionals

we've ever seen. - I have dingleberries.

- Then, Dr. Abs helps us tackle

the top-trending health gadget.

Then, the RefrigerDATEr returns.

Plus... [flatulence]

Farting to avoid flirting.

- It's bad.

- The doctors are getting personal,

starting with your poop. - You ready?

- Yes! - Spin that poop wheel!

- Plus, the medical emergency

that had a woman... - Vomiting her own feces.

[record scratch] - That's coming up.

- Moving on...

our main story tonight concerns pornography.

Some people believe it should be available

and accessible without stigma.

Others think, "Well, it's not for me,

but it's fine for other people in certain situations,"

and a few people think it should be banned completely.

Oh, did I say pornography? Sorry, I meant abortion.

Our main story tonight is abortion.

And yes, yes, we have talked about it before.

Last time, we looked at the way abortion laws in America have,

in many places, made access to abortion difficult,

as clinics all over the country have shut down.

But tonight, we're going to focus on

the exact opposite of an abortion clinic:

something called a "crisis pregnancy center,"

facilities whose primary purpose

is to talk women out of terminating a pregnancy--

something they don't often make that clear,

instead running friendly looking ads like this.

- Before you make the decision about a pregnancy

that comes at a less-than-perfect time,

get jelly on the belly.

Come to Sunrise Women's Clinic,

a clinic where our nurses specialize

in early pregnancy options.

- Okay, "jelly on the belly" is a pretty childish way

to describe an important medical procedure.

I'm not sure that I would trust a doctor

that referred to colonoscopies

as "looking for cooties in the booties."

But... [chuckles]

But second, one of the "early pregnancy options"

that you won't get at Sunrise Women's Clinic

is an abortion, but that can be hard to tell

from their vague name and marketing.

And that actually happens a lot with CPCs.

Take the Center for Pregnancy Choices in Mississippi.

It sounds like a welcoming place.

The website even has links labeled "Thinking Abortion?"

and "Thinking Parenting?"

And it was founded by a woman named Barbara Beavers,

someone whose very name sounds like that of a sassy mother

in a TV show about a family of beavers.

It would be called "Hot Dam!"

and it would be absolutely delightful.

But once you are inside her CPC, you will find

that it is vehemently against any choice

that is not carrying a pregnancy to term.

In fact, just listen to Barbara explain

where she stands on abortion.

- You're deceiving yourself

if you say you can kill your baby

and it'd be good for you.

That's just deception.

That's not true.

It doesn't--it doesn't register with reality.

Mamas--women are not made that way.

Women are made to protect and to guard

and to...to... to die for their babies,

not their babies to die for them.

- Holy shit.

Let me be perfectly clear here, Barbara.

The only females made to die for their babies

are Pacific salmon.

They lay thousands of eggs and then die after spawning.

You're welcome. Tune in next week for more of

"Johnny O's Fish Facts, Wildlife Wonders,

and Abortion."

And centers like that one are proliferating.

There are 2,700 pregnancy centers in America,

compared to less than 1,700 abortion providers.

And the discrepancy is even worse in certain states.

Mississippi, for example,

has one abortion clinic

and 38 crisis pregnancy centers.

So if they are that prevalent,

people should absolutely know what they are.

And look, if you believe abortion is immoral,

you are, of course, allowed to set up a center

dedicated to convincing women of that.

But what is happening with CPCs is that,

way too often, women with unplanned pregnancies

are being actively misled

while trying to access health care.

And CPCs seem happy

to have women confuse them for abortion clinics.

Just listen to Abby Johnson, an antiabortion activist

addressing a conference

for one of the largest CPC organizations.

- We want to appear neutral

on the outside.

The best call, the best client you ever get

is one that thinks they're walking

into an abortion clinic. Okay?

Those are the best clients

that could ever walk in your door

or call your center-- the ones that think

you provide abortions.

- Wow, normally the strategy

"pretend you're an abortion clinic"

is not actually a great marketing stunt,

although I am pretty sure that RadioShack would've tried that

if they thought of it.

"Oh! S-sorry.

"We don't actually perform abortions here,

"but while I've got you, can I interest you

"in a gently used USB cord or a Microsoft Zune?

They come in brown!"

And the efforts to conceal their true intent

takes many forms, starting with the name.

Many CPCs have the word "choice" in their names,

like Choices Women's Center,

Informed Choices Medical Clinic,

and all these other CPCs,

all of which feature the word "choice" in their name.

And I know that almost every product

does a bit of misleading advertising.

No one would buy Pepsi if they were honest

and called it "Sad Coke."

Or you wouldn't buy a MINI Cooper

if they admitted they were just clown cars

for regular people.

And while it should be easy to clarify any misconceptions

with a simple phone call, that can be difficult.

Just listen to what happened when one woman called a CPC

for information, and keep in mind

when you listen that the center absolutely,

under no circumstances, ever provides abortions.

- So CPCs can lure women to meet with them

on false pretenses.

Basically, they are catfishing them,

a term that was coined because, of course,

catfish are constantly trying to trick women

who are out of their league into fucking them.

That's right. That's right.

You thought we were out of fish facts.

You were wrong. We have millions.

I could do this all day. [cheers and applause]

But I'm not going to,

because we're talking about abortion.

And--and CPCs can even intercept

people's Internet searches,

and routinely buy Google keyword ads

for keywords like "abortion" and "abortion clinic."

And frequently, they'll go even further

and try and physically intercept people,

because they often locate themselves

as close as possible to abortion clinics.

For instance, one abortion provider in Hartford

ran into some real problems with a similarly named CPC

when they deliberately located just 20 feet from them.

- This woman, who we aren't identifying,

speaks candidly about the difficult decision

she had to make after becoming pregnant

after a rape.

- I didn't want the baby. It was a lot on my soul.

- Eventually, she decided to seek the services

of the Hartford GYN.

She initially went for counseling,

and she can remember how the clinic's neighbor,

Hartford Women's Health,

tried to offer unsolicited counsel as well.

- They was trying to tug me over there,

and I was like, you know, like,

"You're making me feel bad."

- Now, clearly, that's absolutely horrible.

And incidents like that were so routine

that the abortion clinic in question,

in an attempt to keep its clients

from going to the wrong place,

painted the ramp outside their door bright yellow,

like "The Wizard of Oz"...

which is actually appropriate,

because that movie, too, involves a young woman

getting stopped several times by idiots bothering her

with their own fucking issues

as she just tries to get where she needs to fucking go!

And... [cheers and applause]

And if CPCs can't get a physical location

right next to an abortion clinic,

they have another trick up their sleeve,

and that is buses that can literally park outside

and try and tempt women in.

Many CPCs operate mobile clinics

with the help of organizations like Save The Storks,

a name which really should immediately set off red flags.

"Oh, let me go into this van and talk to someone

"who thinks babies are brought by a deformed pigeon

on stilts."

And to listen to them tell it,

their vans are an absolute joy to be inside.

- These vehicles fit in one parking spot

and will go right at the door of an abortion clinic.

Every Stork Bus has a bathroom on it

to be able to do a pregnancy test,

a built-in refrigerator.

The seats are all leather. There's a massage chair.

This thing is really good for the back.

We've had a lot of good reviews from the pregnant women

on the massage chair.

- Look, if someone wanted to spend their time

in the back of a plush van

and then be told not to have an abortion,

they'd just fuck the lead singer of Creed.

And...and once-- once CPCs have women

inside their building or van, they can employ

every tactic in the book

to try to get them to change their mind.

Literally every tactic in the book,

because Heartbeat International,

which has 1,400 affiliates in the U.S.,

has this handbook with suggested scripts

featuring some nonsense information.

It suggests telling pregnant women

that 35% of suicidal behaviors among women

"may be attributable to abortion,"

which is bullshit.

It also says that abortion almost doubles

the risk of breast cancer,

which is also bullshit.

And while, in reality,

abortion is far less medically dangerous

than carrying a child to term,

that hasn't stopped some CPC employees

from saying things like this.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, ab--

that--that happens a lot of times, doesn't it?

Which is why you're so often reading the obituaries and see,

"Sarah Mitchell passed away last week at the age of 34

after she got baby-dicked right in the heart."

It happens all the time. We're tired of reading it.

And--and the thing is,

that medical advice can actually look

pretty legitimate, because CPCs often have

the trappings of a health care facility.

Increasingly, they offer free ultrasounds,

which can sound appealing.

It's free.

But often, they're not performing them

so much for medical reasons

as for emotional manipulation.

Just Watch this Christian Broadcasting Network profile

of women who give free ultrasounds in this bus

that parks outside abortion clinics.

Just watch as they describe their technique.

- They usually start crying as we begin

and cover their eyes,

and as we're continuing with the ultrasound,

they start peeking out between their fingers.

And we call it a baby,

and we call them "Mom,"

and, "Look, your baby is sucking his thumb,"

"Oh, he has the hiccups."

- She and all who operate the ultrasound machine

will spend as much time as needed with the new moms.

- She stays on that table until we're--

until she...she decides she wants the baby.

- And if that isn't coercive enough--

which it comfortably is--

technicians at other clinics have written messages,

uninvited, on the ultrasound

like, "Hi, Mommy and Daddy."

And if you're gonna write

an unrequested ultrasound message,

at least be creative about it.

Write, "I'm totally pooping in here,"

or, "I ate my twin,"

or, "Please don't put this on Facebook.

Everyone hates that."

And--and finally-- finally,

CPCs can and have misled women about how pregnant they are

or have delayed their decision to have an abortion

past the point where it's possible.

Watch as one doctor describes a case of a woman

who came to her in her third trimester,

having been under the care of a CPC

that gave her terrible advice.

- They told her that she didn't have to worry,

she didn't have to rush, there was no time issue

because "they do abortion in New York City

up until term," which is patently ridiculous.

So when she came to me... she was too pregnant.

She had-- her partner had abandoned her.

She had no money.

She had three other children.

She had no intention of being pregnant,

and when she became pregnant,

during the time of her pregnancy,

she had been using drugs and alcohol.

She very responsibly went to end the pregnancy,

and now I had tell her, "You're gonna have a baby."

- Look, that is obviously heartbreaking.

And here's the thing.

For all of the lengths that CPCs will go to

to prevent abortions,

many of them don't do a key thing

that would really help that, and that's give women access

to birth control.

In fact, that script from before

instructs CPCs-- it instructs them

to tell people "condoms are ineffective

in preventing pregnancy."

And some operators, like Barbara Beavers,

are hard skeptics.

- Condoms don't-- they don't prevent,

even used correctly.

There's, like, a 20% failure rate,

even used correctly.

There's a relatively high failure rate of condoms.

- I thought if a condom was used correctly,

it's 98% effective.

- Oh, I don't believe that.

I don't think that's-- I don't think that's correct.

I would question that.

So I'll find some of our data.

[laughs]

- [chuckles] Wh...wh--why are you laughing, Barbara?

Is it because deep down, even you, Barbara Beavers,

know that your data is complete horseshit?

Because the fact is, if you want fewer abortions,

you should love birth control.

You should be filling PEZ dispensers

with birth control pills.

You should be giving condoms out to trick-or-treaters

and IUD earrings out as hostess gifts.

Birth control should be your favorite thing

in the whole world.

But of course,

many of these CPCs are about much more than just abortion.

They're about controlling women's sexual behavior.

Many are church affiliated,

like the Pregnancy Care Center in Fort Pierce, Florida,

which was started by a Catholic priest.

He's called Father Thomas Euteneuer.

Now, I don't want to say

that he had a condescending view of women,

but watch him describe

the lengths that he would go to

to lure them away from entering an abortion clinic.

- I remember a time when they had the fence up

in front of the place. They put the fence up.

I decided that I would talk to women over the fence

by bringing a ladder

and getting on top of the ladder...

[laughing] And talking to them over the fence.

And so, of course that generated a 911 call,

because I was now...

[laughing] "Talking down to women."

[laughter]

- [laughs] "Get it?

"I was both literally and figuratively

"talking down to them. [laughs]

"I made it clear to them that they are merely vessels

"for the purpose of giving birth

"and nothing else, and I don't actually even

"see them as full humans.

"That's--that's why what I do is funny.

"I-I break myself up. I'm a--I'm a chuckle monster.

Hoo! That's priceless."

Now, quick sidenote about that particular priest:

not long after that was filmed,

he admitted to violating the boundaries

of chastity with a woman who accused him

of molesting her for two years

during what was supposed to be an exorcism,

and some of the details in her allegations are insane.

- "He kissed the corners of her mouth,

"stroked her legs, breasts, and thighs,

"caressed her face,

"laid his body on top of hers, and frequently explained

"full, passionate kisses as

'blowing the Holy Spirit into her.'"

[audience exclaims]

- Let us be clear.

If you are doing anything that can be described as

"blowing the Holy Spirit into someone,"

you are very much doing kissing wrong.

And--and unless your idea of an exorcism

is "making the woman burp a lot,"

you're also doing exorcisms wrong, as well,

which could be why it took you two years.

At this point-- at this point,

you might be wondering

how you can give women ultrasounds

and inaccurate medical information

and not break the law.

Well, CPCs are very careful

to stop just short of the line

where they would be regulated as health care providers,

and this offers them numerous advantages.

For example, they're generally not subject to HIPAA,

a federal law requiring that patients' information

be kept private, which is, frankly, not ideal in a setting

where such sensitive information is being shared.

And if you are not already angry enough at this point,

the government actually funds CPCs.

You are paying for them.

They can get federal funding,

and 16 states use taxpayer money

to fund them directly.

And they will say-- they will say that

their fervently held beliefs can justify

some of the methods that you've seen tonight.

And they might point to the assistance

that some centers provide to young mothers,

like parenting classes and free diapers,

which is great if those women want to be mothers.

Although, as Abby Johnson advised CPC operators

in that conference you saw earlier,

that--that help can be surprisingly limited.

- If I were to open a pregnancy center,

I would not have pregnancy items

past six months.

Are we running a charity?

Are we running a place where we want women

to become self-sufficient?

Self-sufficient, right?

Have maternity clothes.

Have those things available

for the women while they're pregnant,

but cut them off.

[audience gasps]

- Wow.

So the basic argument there is,

"We're just not in a position

"where we can take care of a baby forever.

"We don't have the time or the resources,

so we're choosing not to make that commitment right now,"

to which I would say, "Yeah, exactly."

Look...look, the point-- the point here is--

the real point here is,

the tactics that CPCs often use are disingenuous

and predatory, and it's absolutely critical

that people understand that...

but they really don't.

Watch how one local news outlet covered the opening of a CPC

in the gigantic Care Net network.

- Schuylkill County is one of the only counties

in our area that does not have a Planned Parenthood,

but that doesn't mean teens don't have a place

to go for help.

Care Net of Schuylkill County recently expanded

to two facilities: one for parents

and one for expecting mothers under the age of 21.

- No, don't say that!

Because if you want all the options available to you,

those two are not remotely the same.

That's like saying, "Hey, our town doesn't have

"a youth sports league,

"but we do have a large, scary man in sweatpants

"who will chase your kids around.

He, too, operates out of a van."

And--and people need to understand this,

because right now, it is way too easy

for a religious organization to disguise its true nature,

establish a CPC, and provide women

with dangerously poor information

about one of their most important health choices.

And I can prove to you how easy it is.

You may remember, back in season two,

I established the church of Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption

with my lovely wife, Wanda Jo Oliver.

Well, last week,

we filed paperwork in New York

to create a new nonprofit, Our Lady of Choosing Choice,

to set up our own crisis pregnancy center.

So, where will our clinic be? That depends.

Where are you right now?

Because our clinic has wheels, and we will travel.

Behold!

Behold our new mobile crisis pregnancy center!

[cheers and applause]

Look at it!

Behold the rolling thunder.

And look...you know...

you know that there is absolutely no way

that I would open this alone, right?

- Well, howdy there. [cheers and applause]

Howdy there, Pastor John. Oh, hello!

- Howdy there. Howdy there, my Wanda Jo.

Howdy there to you. - Praise be.

Praise be, and welcome to Vanned Parenthood.

- Oh, thank you so much. Now--now, in this van,

we are allowed to tell women whatever dubious information

comes into our heads. Isn't that right, my Wanda?

- That's right, my John. - Mm-hmm.

- I tell women, if they get an abortion,

it'll make a ghost baby that'll haunt her hoo-ha forever.

[as ghost] Ooh! - Ooh, that--that is spooky.

[stammers] What else do you say, Wanda?

- Well, getting an abortion

turns your breast milk into kombucha.

Ew! That's weird!

- It is weird.

One more fact for the people at home, Wanda.

- After an abortion, your vagina seals shut

like an Egyptian tomb.

- Wow! That's a striking image.

These are all things that we can say.

- And did you know that I'm not legally required

in New York to have any training at all

to use this ultrasound machine?

- Wow. That's absolutely terrifying.

Well, in that case, let's get some jelly

on some bellies. - Let's do it!

I got grape! I got raspberry!

I got prenatal vitamins

that are really just gummy bears!

- Praise be. Praise, praise, praise be.

- Now, let's see. What's going on over here?

- Ooh. - Oh--oh, yeah,

there's the baby, right there. - Yes!

- You're pregnant! - Yes!

- It's a miracle! - I'm with child!

I am with child. Now--now, Wanda Jo,

I've got to ask you something. It's a tricky question.

How do you feel about birth control?

- Oh, well, I'm glad you asked.

You know, I do give out condoms,

but I tell people they're 0% effective.

- You do? [stammers] How is that possibly...

how is that pos-- - Because I cut the tips

off these suckers. - Wow.

- Lets you blow the Holy Spirit right on through.

- Wow. Wow.

And look, the best part is, just like our church,

we are tax-exempt,

and we could be eligible for government funding.

Praise discretionary budgets!

- Praise drugstore pregnancy tests!

- Praise privacy law loopholes!

- Praise women being too darned emotional

to make decisions about their own bodies!

- Oh, Wanda Jo. Oh, Wanda Jo, don't cry.

Don't cry. The point is,

this is all perfectly legal

and there is absolutely nothing stopping us

from parking outside an abortion clinic tonight

and haranguing people first thing in the morning.

And frankly, there really fucking should be.

That is our show. Thank you so much for watching.

See you next week. Good night.

Shall we, Wanda? - Okay, let's go.

- Shall we? Shall we?

- After you. - Would you--

- After you. - Would you give me a wanding?

- I will. Let me see what we got here.

- Would you-- - We should make sure

the baby's okay. - Would...

- He's beautiful. Baby looks good.

Oh, it looks good.

Praise be. - It's a miracle.

- It's a miracle, is what it is.

- It's a special, special miracle.

And it's all allowed. All of this is allowed.

[jazzy organ music]

♪ ♪

The Description of April 8, 2018