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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity With the Devil Inside the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

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[BOTH MOANING]

It's about to come, it's about to come, it's about to come.

[MOANS]

ANNOUNCER: In your face, in your hair.

[♪♪]

I can't believe you bid $1200 for this.

I have a really good feeling about this. Trust me.

Yes, you sure Bought this all

And now you're rollin' In this heap

But you paid You paid

You paid for this dirty Berber rug

Which isn't actually so bad, because I think

you can get these stains out with a little club soda.

This is all worthless.

Keep looking. We'll find something.

Bingo.

This is ridiculous, Michelle. It's such a waste of time.

What's that?

"Found footage" that we found.

Wouldn't it be amazing if it was one of those

celebrity sex tapes and we could sell it for millions?

Oh, my God, oh, my God. Put it in.

MICHELLE: All right.

[PHONE RINGING]

OPERATOR [OVER PHONE]: Carlsbad Police, what's your emergency?

WOMAN: Five.

OPERATOR: Excuse me?

WOMAN: Five.

Five.

OPERATOR: Five what, ma'am?

WOMAN: ♪ Five dollar footlong

OPERATOR: Ma'am, what's your emergency?

CALLER [IN DEEP VOICE]: I'm a man, douche bag.

My voice is altered because I've got eight demons in me

all taking turns to speak.

Anyway, I killed five people.

OPERATOR: I'm sorry?

CALLER: I served them six-inch tuna subs that I wiped my ass with.

They all died from toxoplasmosis.

OPERATOR: Who?

CALLER: The entire cast of The Artist, including that dog Uggie.

OPERATOR: What?

CALLER: Send the police, jerk-off.

And if you're hungry, I still have half a sandwich left.

[DIAL TONE]

[♪♪]

MAN: The Carlsbad community was leveled by tragedy today

as three clergy members were found dead.

At 11:47 p.m. in the evening,

there was a call into our office in a facsimile

saying that there may have been or might be a murder situation.

But we cannot confirm or deny that the cast of the film,

The Artist, has been murdered in the basement of this house.

I, myself, am not a fan of the film. Didn't really get it.

Hi, my name is Dana Rosti,

and we're shooting a documentary.

MICHAEL: Why are you shooting a documentary?

Well, when I was 10 years old,

my father murdered some people in our basement.

And I just found out that he murdered them

while an exorcism was being performed.

On him.

By clowns.

Without his pants.

I'm sorry, can we stop for a second?

DANA: After six months of going to trial,

my dad was proven not guilty

based on insanity, but I didn't believe that.

Wait a minute.

Yeah! Ragh! Ragh!

It's the Olympics. Whoo!

Oh! Hello. Ugh!

[SCREAMS]

How about a five-way?

DANA: A year later, he was transferred

to one of the top psychiatric facilities in the world.

Which happens to be in Italy,

which is, like, in a whole other country.

Are we recording?

MICHAEL: We're on.

And this is camera one?

MICHAEL: Yeah.

And this is camera two?

And this is the Steadicam.

And this is my 3D camera?

And this is my motion-capture camera?

Okay.

Let's do this.

You came on a very good day today, Miss Rosti.

Your father is in very high spirits.

DANA: Italy had cutting-edge equipment, brilliant doctors.

I need three CCs of marinara, stat.

DOCTOR: So listen, there's a good chance he might not even remember you.

DANA: Okay.

Don't take offense to that.

It's just part of the disease.

Right.

[DOOR BUZZES]

Okay.

Let's just go with one camera, okay? Great.

[♪♪]

Dad? Do you remember me?

Connect the dots.

Connect the dots. Connect the dots. Connect the dots.

Connecticut.

No, dumb-ass.

Connect the dots.

I'd rather play Candy Land or Jenga or something--

I'd rather play Connect the Dots and Dana Shut Up.

Okay.

Great. Now give me your phone.

What?

Give me your phone.

Give me your phone. Give me your phone.

I'm getting it out of my purse.

Give me your phone.

And, bam!

You just bought me two Taiwanese hookers

for the price of one on Croupon. Hm?

Listen, I came here

because I have to tell you something really important.

Shh.

[GASPS]

Dad.

Now get out of here.

I ain't got time for you no more.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT] "Out," he said. Away with you.

Out. I'm a pretty princess.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Say it!

DANA: You're a pretty princess.

HERB: Louder!

MICHAEL: You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

HERB: Finally. Ling Mi One and Ling Mi Two.

Who's sitting on my face first?

DANA: Since that day,

I never went back to see my old man.

DANA: While I was building a career,

I was looking for the man of my dreams.

And I found him

the way all attention-seeking narcissist slut-bags do.

[♪♪]

Dana.

Oh!

That's me. That's not you guys.

Okay, here. Just hold that. That's for you. Okay.

Will you accept this rose?

I would love to.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah?

DANA: Yeah.

AARON: Want this? Yeah, oh, ride that donkey.

DANA: Yeah. Yeah.

AARON: Yeah. Join in, dude. Join in. Come on.

DANA: Aaron and I fell in love

and got married three months later.

He had a beautiful 2-year-old daughter named Liz.

DANA: And a New York strip for you, young lady. Oh, I forgot.

It was just a matter of time

before I picked up the whole mothering thing.

AARON: It's good.

All right.

Can't have a steak without your steak knife.

Good girl.

AARON: Good girl.

Yummy.

Okay, eat up, ducky, they're starving in Africa.

DANA: Ah, Liz grew up so fast.

She was your typical teenage daughter,

with a few issues to work out.

DANA: Oh, no, honey, now, don't. Don't-- Ah!

We had Jonah about a year ago.

People say we're overprotective,

but I don't really see it.

Our family was growing, so it was time

to move out of our cramped one-bedroom rental

that we shared with the 12-member Rodriguez family.

After an exhaustive search,

I found that the house I grew up in was available.

DANA: This is amazing. It's so peaceful here, honey.

AARON: I know, sweetheart.

Another big milestone for the Galen family.

[GRUNTS]

Okay. Let's do this.

Okay.

Welcome to the new house, everyone.

Well, this is my beautiful daughter

coming down our new stairs.

There is my little man with my favorite gal. Hello, sweetie.

Okay.

[DANA COOING]

This house will work.

I just took the biggest dump upstairs.

[RAZZES]

Felipe.

Yes, missus?

It's time for Jonah's bath.

Oh, no, no, no. Sorry, not tonight, missus.

Just kidding.

AARON: Baby, come over here. If I may propose a little toast?

Very romantic.

Oh, well, thank you.

To nothing but beautiful memories in our new home.

Oh, babe.

I love you.

I love you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Make sure you record every moment.

This is gonna be riveting to watch.

AARON: I just wanna document our first full week in this house.

I'll edit it later.

It's all part of the master plan, babe.

I'm gonna do it at the same time.

It's so--

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Ooh, text.

Yes.

What?

I got the meeting.

Honey, that's wonderful.

I know.

Oh, they wanna schedule it for next week.

Oh, baby, I'm so proud of you.

[KISS]

This is a big deal, honey. It's the Umbrella Corporation.

If I get this, I won't have to consult for anyone again.

And you won't have to work the corners anymore.

Oh, baby, you've worked so hard for this.

Thank you.

Hey, you feel like christening the new house?

Well, the kids are asleep.

You know how to turn me on.

Yeah?

Wanna move some boxes, baby?

AARON: Oh, the only box I'm interested in is yours.

[BOTH MOANING]

[MACHINE BLOWING]

[BABY CRYING]

Either one of you losers might wanna take care of this.

You should get out.

Mommy and Daddy are playing gardener.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Order a pizza.

Mushrooms?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Green peppers and mushrooms.

First full night in this house, total awesomeness.

Let me get this here.

There we go.

[LIZ SCREAMS]

What? What? What is this mess?

Who tossed around all the furniture?

Liz, what the hell happened here?

Don't know. I was just about to post my nudes on Twitter

and then I came in here and saw this.

[DANA SCREAMS]

Baby? Dana?

What the hell? Who redecorated the room?

You know, it's actually pretty nice,

in a retro kind of way.

Honey, it looks like Neil Patrick Harris threw up in here.

[FELIPE SCREAMING]

Oh, for chrissakes.

Oh, my God.

Wait. What?

Dana doesn't know how to cook.

Where did all this food come from?

Aaron, what the hell is going on here?

Yeah, Dad, this is fucking weird.

But for some reason, I wanna shoot it.

AARON: I don't know what this is either.

Could be your classic suburban burglar

or a practical joke by Martha Stewart.

WOMAN: You're wrong on both counts. Heh.

It's just sweet old me, Paula Bean.

I just wanted y'all to taste my new low-fat recipe.

[♪♪]

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

You guys shooting a reality show or something?

No. No, that's my daughter Liz. Hi, babe.

Hey, sunshine.

You like things that dangle?

We're gonna saturate this space with cameras.

Okay? I'm gonna put one up in that corner.

Right? That way you get it coming this way.

One up in this corner, opposite direction, boom.

One from the dining room, bam.

Triangulation of coverage.

Put one over the stove, right, get it pointed this way.

One on top of the TV, pointed this way,

that way we get the full coverage in here, okay?

All right, yeah. That's good.

Okay.

Oh, I forgot to put this on the list.

Oh, you can install a camera on this?

No. To fuck on.

Then I install a camera. Ha-ha-ha!

Okay, there's more house. Let's go.

We got one directly above the crib

and then one over here up the bunny's ass.

Hey.

This seems sturdy, right?

Good for a nice blowing, right?

You just slide in between the slats and then...

We'll get another one right here coming in.

We got this one pointed directly this way

and then one directly over the bed.

AARON: Wait, why our bed?

Don't worry about it.

KAT: Oh, look at this fucking great bathroom.

Oh, shit, this is fucking beautiful.

We're gonna stick one here pointed at the bathtub.

We got one high in this corner, directed at the shower.

And then one in the toilet.

AARON: Excuse me?

Huh?

[♪♪]

[DEVICE BUZZING]

[HUMMING]

DANA: What are you doing in my shower?

Get out, out, out.

Really?

Sorry.

These are my nieces.

[BABY COOING]

[MOANING]

I love the pool heaters.

I love the pool heaters.

I love the pool heaters.

[THUMPING]

[AARON YAWNS]

Morning, honey.

DANA: Somebody slept in this morning.

I like sleeping.

Especially when it's sweet dreams about you.

What?

What is that?

What?

There's writing on your face.

Oh, yeah, I do that every night. It's good for the skin.

What the hell is going on here?

And this is exactly why we have cameras,

so we can get to the bottom of this stuff.

What the...

DANA: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, honey, we have ghosts.

Okay, okay. No, honey, it's okay.

I think you're being a little over dramatic.

Oh, I'm sorry, really? What would you call that?

It could be a million different things.

Like what?

Could be the air conditioning, window was left open.

Scientologists.

No. I am sorry, honey, those are ghosts

and I am freaking out right now.

Okay, Dana. Dana, look at me. Calm down, okay?

They're not ghosts.

There is no such thing as ghosts. Trust me.

Okay, fine.

Attention, all ghosts.

If you're here with us right now in this house

for the love of Jesus, give us a sign.

Okay. I guess you're right, honey.

Ohh...

Goddamn Scientologists.

[CHUCKLES]

I just don't understand why this is happening to us.

I think I do.

What?

[SIGHS]

It all started when I was 7.

I was getting drunk with my sister.

We'd use tiny teacups,

that way our parents never knew.

Don't put that there.

Why?

Because Jeremy's sitting there.

Jillian, you gotta stop with this ghost thing.

You sound crazy.

I'm not crazy, I'm just telling you the truth.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Sorry, Jillian, that one was a little tougher to pinch off.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Okay. Tea me up.

But Jeremy Lin wasn't even a Knick back then.

And I didn't know you had a sister.

She was deported to Guatemala when I was 10.

But that's not the point.

The point is that two years after that,

my father killed the entire cast of The Artist,

including Uggie the dog.

Why? That was a great movie.

Frankly, I don't understand why the whole film had to be silent.

But anyway,

it wasn't until I was 20 years old that I found out

my father killed those people

during an exorcism.

What?

I know. It's crazy, huh?

Yeah.

He's been in a psychiatric hospital in Italy ever since.

Who's the person that walked you down the aisle

and comes over for the holidays?

Oh, sweetie. He's just an actor.

His name's Joel Solomon. He's very talented.

I called him Pop-Pop.

Listen, I...

I really think we should call in the Ghost Brothers.

No way. Honey, those guys are scam artists. You know that. No.

Okay. Are you coming to bed?

Not yet, I'm only halfway done with this, honey.

I need at least 45 more minutes.

Babe

I've missed your touch

It's long since we-- ♪

DANA: I know, it's all gone. Let's get something to eat.

Let's get some milk.

What the--?

I just bought two containers of milk.

Who drank it all?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, we are the Ghost Brothers, here to investigate.

[♪♪]

It is so thick in here, dude. So many ghosts in the air!

I know what you mean. It's like we're breathing in ghosts.

Dude, I am choking on a ghost right now.

I am choking on a ghost.

EVAN: Spit that ghost out.

Spit that ghost out right now.

Spit it out! I'll punch it out if you want!

DANA: Guys!

You guys are professionals, right?

Yeah, 100 percent. We even have business cards.

Call me the middle man. There you go. Super legit.

EVAN: Call us because we're always open. Daily.

TAYLOR: Did you hear that?

That TV just turned on!

TAYLOR: We're gonna die.

Here we go, let's go.

Rack them up, dude. This is what we've been training for.

LIZ: Uh...

I turned it on.

She turned it on.

So...

She's possessed by ghosts!

She's possessed by ghosts!

[SCREAMING]

[EVAN HOOTING]

Oh, my Lord! I am a--

Oh, my God.

These ghost readings are off the charts.

Dude, there are 57 ghosts in that bathroom over there.

What?

Three in my pee stream.

Off the record.

Where are you getting these numbers from?

[SNEEZES]

A ghost was just born in my hand.

What do we do?

Flamboyant scream?

Uh, duh.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Stop it! Stop!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Seriously? This is what you brought into our house?

All right, so we found about 70 ghosts in your house total.

Fifty-five up there in your bedroom.

Also, it's our day off, so we charge double for that.

So, whatever you guys think is fair.

So basically, free?

I was thinking moreover, like, $3.

AARON: Fine, deal. Go.

Thank you so much.

Hell, yeah.

If you need us, we will be in our van,

watching the perimeters.

[THUMPING]

[BABY SCREAMS]

[DOOR SLAMMING SHUT]

A door doesn't wake you? You deaf?

I knew I had to step up my game

or I'd get kicked out of the house.

[FELIPE MOANING AND SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I love the pool cleaners. I love the pool cleaners.

I love the pool cleaners.

Oh, do the left nut.

Left nut.

Oh, my hair.

[GRUNTING]

[SMOOTH LOVE MUSIC PLAYING]

There's something about The way you do your thing

I can't take My eyes off you

[LIZ GASPS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

DANA: Liz, you have a visitor.

LIZ: What the--?

Good morning, young lady.

Hey. I was just looking for my earring.

There it is.

Who said you could come to my room?

Well, I apologize for barging in.

Your mother gave me permission.

Well, what if I didn't want you to come up?

I had a sneaking suspicion

you did.

And how's that?

By the very way you were staring at me.

Say what? I wasn't staring at you, dude.

I was writing in my journal.

Hm.

Look, I don't know what you want, but I'm really busy.

I was just about to pierce my pancreas.

Mm-hm.

I just came To say hello

Hello

Hello

Come to Abe.

[LIZ MOANS]

Oh, shit-burger.

LIZ: What?

ABE: Gotta go, babe.

Getting the hairy eyeball from my sweet slut.

Yeah. Check you later, though.

Can't wait to get inside that oval office.

Ugh--

Ah!

Stay free.

[LIZ SCOFFS]

But wait!

I didn't even get to show you my Apple product placement!

Is this thing on?

Hello, America!

Hello, America!

All right, we came here expecting to find

a bunch of ghosts, and guess what?

We did.

I didn't say any of that just now.

You're possessed.

Dude, kill me.

[HYPERVENTILATING]

I'm trying, but I can't.

Why?

Because I'm possessed, too.

We're both possessed by ghosts!

We're both possessed by ghosts!

[SCREAMING]

Yes, Miss Liz?

I thought maybe we could talk.

FELIPE: Come on in. Come on.

Sit down.

Oh, uh...

Don't worry about that. Felipe was just tanning.

Just some tanning. There you go, sit down.

[CHITTERING]

Oh! Heh, heh.

Don't worry, they don't bite.

Ay-ay-ay.

So, what can I help you with?

It's about a boy.

Of course it is.

His name is Abraham, and I just don't know

if I've already blown it with him.

I really like him. I think about him all the time.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[SQUEALS]

There are certain things you can do to-- How you say?

--to win him over.

Like what?

It's called "Roofie and Bang."

A "Roofie and Bang"?

Mm-hm.

Ah! Just put one of those in his Amaretto Sours,

and he's yours for the rest of the night.

And the best thing is that they wake up the next morning

not knowing I stuck my cheese between their crackers.

Ha, ha! It's fabulous. Have fun.

DANA: No.

[♪♪]

[BRAYS]

[PLAYING MARIACHI MUSIC]

[SINGING IN SPANISH]

[FELIPE HUMMING]

Poor little baby.

Are you hungry? Are you hungry, baby Jonah?

Come here.

Oh, just kidding.

Shh!

[TCHAIKOVSKY'S "SWAN LAKE" PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

Help me!

[GRUNTS]

Jesus Christ. Dude, are you okay?

[GROANS AND SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

What the hell is this doing here?

And who the hells are you? You?

I'm directing. We're...

Ahh! Leave me alone!

[FELIPE GROANS]

AARON: Oh, sweet Lord.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no, no.

Oh, thank God.

If that thing had been left out another hour,

we would've had ourselves a murky pool.

Hey, Felipe.

[COOING]

[THUMPING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

[FARTING]

Bam! Dutch oven, bitch.

[AARON SNORING]

[♪♪]

[DANA WHISTLES]

Aw, baby

[SMOOTH LOVE MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, thank you, honey.

[MOANING]

Your nose is cold.

Oh, baby, the eggroll.

Teeth, teeth, teeth.

Oh, you need a haircut.

TAYLOR: There's so much--

EVAN: Get it off me. Get it off me.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Hi.

Hi.

You know, I gotta tell you

that was a really nice surprise you gave me last night.

Huh?

I'm telling you, baby,

it's moments like those that make this marriage so exciting.

[AARON WHISTLES]

What? This...

[AARON MOANING ON-SCREEN]

[SQUEALS]

You want to mess with me?

You've messed with the wrong person, jerk-off.

Aaron, what are you doing?

Dana, they have crossed the line,

and I am not taking their crap anymore.

Sweetheart, please.

I think if we just lay low

and we don't interact, they'll go away.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, fine.

Okay. All right.

I'm giving it one week.

That's it.

Okay.

Got it?

Yes.

I've got a big interview and I am not gonna have it screwed up

by a bunch of ghosts.

I understa--

Sweetie, we have to go.

We have to run those illegals across the border.

Oh, my God. Is it noon already?

Baby, yeah.

Go, go.

Illegals don't keep in the heat, sweetie.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[♪♪]

MAN [ON TV]: He maintains a strict plant-based diet.

[CAN OPENING]

CHEF: Beat an egg white. I made it faster than the machine.

[GHOST BELCHES]

Over the counter.

Yes.

Yes.

One, two,

three, go.

[GHOST INHALING]

[COUGHS]

WOMAN: Oh, yeah, baby.

[GHOST'S ZIPPER UNZIPS]

GHOST: Oh, that's right. Oh, that sort of feels-- Feels so good.

So smooth. You're a dirty little one.

You're a dirty little minx. Oh, you-- Oh! Oh! Oh!

Look at it. Look at it. Oh!

[SEMEN SPLATS]

And you thought we couldn't fit 20 of them into one van.

Well, once again, honey, you were right.

Thank you, sweetie.

[SNIFFS]

Honey, do you smell something burning?

DANA: No.

Something's burning.

Ectoplasm.

Son of a bitch!

DANA: Aaron, you're wasting all of it.

Don't worry, honey. It's only the cheap stuff from Tijuana.

I just don't get what this is gonna prove.

It's gonna prove that we're not going out of our minds.

If anyone or anything is coming into this room,

we'll have a clear idea of what we are dealing with.

Whoo!

[THUMPING]

[CRASH]

What was that?

Holy sweet nuts.

Sweet potato pancakes, would you look at that?

DANA: It's scary.

AARON: It's okay, baby. It's okay.

DANA: So scary.

Don't get too--

DANA: Oh, look.

AARON: Oh, honey, he's just a witty-bitty thing.

Oh, it's so cute.

Oh, no. I knew it, honey. He's a baller.

DANA: Oh, no.

It's okay.

DANA: You know what they say about big feet.

AARON: Don't worry, baby. Don't wo-- Huh.

They end here.

This is weird.

DANA: Oh, my God. Did you leave that open?

AARON: What, the--? Oh.

No.

DANA: Oh, we are so fucked.

I'm the raccoon that snuck into your attic.

Scratchy scratchy.

Now your power bill's through the roof.

If you got home insurance where you got car insurance,

then you're gonna have to pay for this all by yourself.

So get Upstate. You'll save money

and be better protected from mayhem

like me.

[LAUGHS]

DANA: Okay, ducky, so you wanna give him his baba in half an hour

and give him the soy formula because he's had a lot--

Bitch, I got it covered.

Get the hell out.

Okay. Bye, now, sweetie.

Okay. Okay. Oh. And we're shoving now.

That's good.

[BABY CRIES]

LIZ: He's okay. He'll walk it off. Just go.

I got you. It's okay.

Bye, buddy.

LIZ: You smell like a dumpster. Yeah.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES & BABY THUMPS]

[BABY CRYING]

My bad.

Dude, seriously?

Dude, they dropped me all the time.

Look how good I turned out.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

MAN: The Tasmanian monkey is not one

to shy away from a good ass-humping.

With its muscular hind legs and powerful thrusts

that can pull a 1-ton truck...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

...this rare species is--

Sorry to barge in. I just locked myself out of the house.

Can I use your phone?

Yeah.

You mind if I take my pants off?

Uh... No.

You mind if I deep French kiss you

while I fondle your 12-year-old boy ass?

Okay.

[BOTH MOANING]

My name is Alice,

and this is my world.

[♪♪]

[RAPPING ON DOOR]

LIZ: Shit! You guys gotta get out of here.

But we just got started.

I don't care! Get out!

Okay!

Guess we'll just have to do each other.

LIZ: Leave.

Well, hello.

Maybe your friends would care to stay for a libation?

Or two.

LIZ: Uh, no.

[SMOOTH LOVE MUSIC PLAYING]

Baby

Mm, you and I Belong together

You know,

I greatly apologize for intruding upon your privacy.

Not at all. Sit down.

Oh.

Can I get you something to drink?

Amaretto Sour?

No, I don't think that'll be nece-- Oh, why, thank you.

Is that John Wilkes Booth?

Where?

My mistake.

I hate that guy.

Me too.

Anyways,

I'm glad you're here.

As am I.

You look thirsty.

Drink, drink, drink.

All the way.

Good boy.

Come to Abe.

Oh, yeah.

[MOANING]

I'm Abe Lincoln.

Wow, you know, I am feeling a little sleepy.

Don't fight it.

I want you to show me the Lincoln Monument.

Yeah, I want you to go to the South.

Yeah, take me to the South.

You wanna see the Lincoln Monument?

Show it to me. Mm.

[GRUNTS AND SCREAMS]

FELIPE: Sorry, bitch. He's mine.

What in tarnation?

FELIPE: You're in good hands now, papi.

Felipe was the one who created the Roofie and Bang.

LIZ: Hey! Let me out!

FELIPE: I want to free your penis slaves.

ABE: Rats!

FELIPE: Oh. Your nipples, mm,

they taste like copper pennies.

FELIPE: I'd like to invite you to the Teabag Party.

[ZIPPER UNZIPS]

Abraham?

Abraham!

ABE: Help me! Help me! Help me!

Abe Lincoln's getting teabagged!

[LIZ SCREAMING]

No, stop it!

[FELIPE GRUNTS]

FELIPE: Take this, you dragon tattooed slut!

[THUMP & LIZ GROANS]

[GROANS]

Abraham.

Abraham.

Abraham?

Abraham.

Abraham!

Let me in!

Let me in!

[SCREAMS]

[BABY CRYING & FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

JONAH: Mom, Dad, it's me, Jonah.

Where do I start?

It was just supposed to be for one night.

I wanted to be cool, you know?

I wanted to be more than just a baby in the crib.

And then things got a little out of control.

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

Excuse me! Excuse me, please!

You're all gonna have to shut this down

or I'm gonna have to call the cops.

DANA: It's about time we had a proper date night.

AARON: Well, it was a wonderful night.

I'll tell you what I am excited about.

Having a chocolate muffin for dessert.

That is for tomorrow, young man.

Wow. Honey, there's no mess.

I'm so impressed.

I told you, Liz is responsible to handle all of this.

DANA: You know, once again you were right.

Thank you, dear.

Shh, shh.

Hey, Jonah.

Is that a wine cooler?

[CHITTERING]

MAN: Ooh! Look at that. Honey Badger don't give a shit.

He'll just run through your bedroom while you're sleeping.

Honey Badger don't care.

[SHATTERING]

[WHIRRING]

[CLUCKING]

It's not even fun anymore.

[GASPS]

Honey?

Honey, wake up.

I already gave you a handy.

Did you hear that?

Something downstairs.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Damn it, no.

Oh, my God.

AARON: No!

Sweetie!

Damn it.

What is it?

Someone ate my chocolate muffin.

Yeah.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

DANA: Babe?

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's seven years bad luck.

AARON: They swapped out all the family photos.

I gotta document this.

Oh.

Honey?

Something's breathing on me.

And it smells like chocolate muffin.

Wow.

A lot of them look like they're from the turn of the century.

DANA: And now it's feeling me up.

Oh.

Ooh!

Who's a naughty ghost?

AARON: Wow, baby, you gotta look at this.

The ghost's great grandfather's ghost

is in a picture with President Roosevelt.

DANA: Oh, yeah, you're a bad ghost!

Do it to me like it's paranormal!

Looks like Hitler's ghost is here.

Yeah! Yeah, fuck me like you don't know me!

Oh, God, you're such a big ghost!

God, I love poltergeists! Yeah!

GHOST: Right, right, right.

DANA: Okay.

BOTH: Whoa!

Close the door! Close the door! Close it!

DANA: Sorry.

EVAN: Hello. Hi. Come on in.

DANA: Hi.

EVAN: We weren't expecting visitors.

DANA: Oh, no, that's okay.

It's small, but we get by.

DANA: Didn't mean to intrude.

EVAN: Sit down, welcome to our humble abode.

TAYLOR: Welcome.

We know it's not much.

Hey, what you guys saw back there, totally nothing.

Hey, we're not here to judge.

Yeah, no.

That was actually science, okay?

EVAN: Yeah.

We can't really get into it because it's--

AARON: Guys, it's fine. It's fine. Listen.

Things are getting worse at the house.

Um, hey, uh, why are you filming all of this?

I just feel the need to record everything.

Good call.

Yeah, good call, my man.

We actually do the same thing.

Camera twins.

Let's go.

Okay, look, guys,

Okay.

we really, really need your help.

EVAN: All right. Step number one.

You gotta hire yourself a Hispanic gay manny, all right?

But he's not gonna do any of his chores.

Instead, this is the kicker.

Here's the kicker. I love this part.

This is great. He's gonna be up in his room

all day with some secret lover

that nobody really knows or understands at all.

I'm sorry. Are you frigging kidding me?

What, effing?

You've just described our manny Felipe.

Great. Awesome.

All right.

I'll check that one off. Moving on.

TAYLOR: All right, here we go. Number two.

You're gonna have to do a very bad job

at raising a teenage girl, okay?

That way she can have a very rebellious phase in her teens.

I'm talking tattoos. I'm talking piercings.

I'm talking things to do with dragons. You get my drift?

[CLEARS THROAT]

You guys? Okay.

Great. You guys already have that.

Here's number three. Aaron, this is just for you.

All you gotta do is stumble upon two naked dudes in their van.

That's it. That's all there is to it.

[DANA SCREAMS]

DANA: Aaron! Aaron!

No, no!

Aaron!

AARON: No.

[SCREAMING]

[CASH REGISTER BEEPING]

[SCREAMING]

Fuck. I forgot the crisps.

[GROANS]

Oh, good morning.

How long have you been up? Honey?

You okay? Hello?

Dana?

Dana. Honey, talk to me. What are you--?

[♪♪]

Holy mother of cotton.

Dana. Baby? Baby. Say some--

"Get out of my house...

...buttnuts"?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Hello, sir.

You wanna come here?

No, no. That's fantastic, sir. My house is your house.

Bye-bye.

Dana, that was the CEO of the Umbrella Corporation.

He's coming here. Isn't that great? Wha--?

Oh, right.

I've gotta figure out

how to get you depossessed before he gets here.

But since you're unconscious anyway...

No.

Okay.

[♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

AARON: Sluggy?

Sluggy Kornnutz, exorcism specialist.

[GROWLING]

[GROWLING]

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and all of his saviors,

I command you, evict this body

and return back to the bowels of hell from whence you came.

Defiant one.

They hate this.

[PANCHO & SANCHO'S "GHOST BROTHERS" PLAYING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

What? What? What? What's going on?

She's being possessed by the deadliest of demons:

her inner demons.

We all have them. We try to fight them on a daily basis,

whether it's eating

the last half-pint of strawberry ice cream

or shooting up an armful of smack--

Sluggy. Please.

Sorry.

Time to bring out the big guns.

AARON: What are you doing?

An intervention. Ahh!

Stop, stop. Stop it.

What? What's wrong?

You're not shooting my wife.

Suit yourself. We'll stick with the chosen plan.

[♪♪]

[SPEAKING IN HEBREW]

[GROWLING]

[FARTS]

Oh! I'm okay. I'm back.

Mazel tov!

ALL: Mazel tov!

["HAVA NAGILA" PLAYING]

Ugh! Oh!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You've got 20 minutes to knock my socks off.

But first, I need your bathroom. I just sharted myself.

[♪♪]

Very impressed.

You've got everything covered.

Thank you.

What do you know about umbrellas?

I'm sorry?

What do you know about umbrellas?

You...

...use them when it rains?

Aaron,

you're hired.

[CROWD CHEERS]

AARON: Oh, my God.

All right. Hi. Oh, my God. Hey. Thanks, guys.

All right, enough.

Listen, I need to use your bathroom again.

This time, not only did I shart, but I peed myself too.

Of course--

You didn't pay your electric bill?

That's a loser move.

Winners pay their bills.

No, no, no, I pay my bills.

All the time. I'm a winner. Ask anybody.

There's a short. There's a short in the breaker.

It happens all the time.

I know that you've got a plane to catch,

so why don't we just go out and--?

[TV TURNS ON]

Mm. Oh, thank you, honey.

I've done some messed-up shit in my life,

but that is insanity.

Aaron, you're fired.

What--? Wait, wait, no, no, no. I can explain. I can explain.

Wait, sir. Sir. Right over here. Look. Look in the closet. See?

We've got three umbrell-- Look. Look, one of the umbrellas

is already open in case it rains in the house.

Sir, just give me one more chance, please.

I'm gonna borrow your dog for a few days.

I don't know if--

Fantastic.

[WHISTLES]

Baby

There's something about The way you do your thing

Generic? Loser.

Damn it.

Damn it! Shit!

Yes. Now, that felt good. Bloody good.

[GHOST LAUGHING]

So you think that's funny?

Why don't you come out and show yourself, you son of a bitch?

GHOST: Oh, you're so stupid.

Yeah, sure, it's easy to haunt people when you're invisible.

Come out here, you wuss.

GHOST: I'm a ghost.

[CACKLES]

Holy shit.

[MUFFLED] Calm down.

Now is not the time for fear.

That comes later.

What?

Huh? I said, calm down.

Now is not the time for fear. That comes later.

I'm sorry, I'm not getting it.

[GROWLS]

You dumb-ass.

I said, calm down.

Now is not the time for fear.

That comes later.

Oh, okay. No, no, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Oh, shit. Oh, God. Ahh!

What on earth is going on down there?

Honey, hi. You think you could give me a hand?

Why is Manuel the Guatemalan gardener shirtless?

All right. I got you now.

Been waiting a long time.

[GRUNTING ON TV]

This is some good shit.

The best.

SLUGGY: Buttery, isn't it?

Amazing.

That's my cock.

You'd think it would be circumcised.

This is the scary part.

[GRUNTING]

What the hell is going on?

Welcome! Welcome to the 74th Annual Hunger Games.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

AARON: Oh, for the love of God, please have mercy!

I don't want my ass to be branded!

[GASPING AND GRUNTING]

[GHOSTS SCREAM]

[♪♪]

DANA: Oh, my God. Honey.

It's the Ghost Brothers.

[BOTH LAUGH]

BOTH: Take that, douche bags!

You saved our lives.

Oh! Oh, thank you so much.

[BLADE FLICKS]

[♪♪]

Oh, yeah, we're getting out of here.

Oh! Oh, no.

Oh, no, dude.

Ohh!

Abe Lincoln, bro.

Hey, hey, hey, Abraham Lincoln!

What are you doing?

Killing ghost hunters.

But you're a vampire slayer.

Yeah, well, getting tea-bagged by a ghost changes a man.

DANA: Oh, my God!

Ow!

No, no, no! Please, don't! Don't!

Die, you son of a bitch.

Oh!

Die!

[RATTLING]

Abe Lincoln's getting Tased.

Leave my dad alone, bitch.

AARON: Liz?

Honey.

AARON: Honey, you look great.

What happened to you?

Guys, I'm so sorry for being the rebellious,

skanky, slutty teenager for so long.

You two deserve better than that.

You've been the most amazing parents,

and I love you both so much.

AARON: Oh, honey. We love you.

DANA: We love you.

Ah. Ow, ow. That's an ax. That's an ax in my arm.

There is one more bit of exciting news.

You got off the meth?

Your herpes cleared up?

You're not a lesbian anymore?

No. I met the most amazing guy,

and he's brought so much positivity

to my life on so many levels.

Mom and Dad, meet my new boyfriend Otto.

[HUMMING]

Isn't he the sweetest?

Does Otto have a five-year plan?

Uh, he's Jewish.

Oh, I love Jews.

That's a good plan. I like it.

I stood face to face and fought off an attack,

and I know that you want all of the facts.

So stick a fin in your ear and dig out the wax!

[CLATTERING]

Oh...

ALL: Felipe!

FELIPE: I'm just kidding!

WALRUS [ON TV]: The cameras they had taped and the mouse was afraid

that his ass would get laid.

If my ass would get laid!

[♪♪]

Hey, gang!

DANA: Dad?

I know, I know.

Yeah, I got kicked out of the hospital

for lewd misconduct, whatever that means.

So I thought I'd stay with you.

Oh, no, we don't have the--

Cool. Come in, ladies. We got company.

Awesome. Discount whores.

The best.

This is, uh, uh, uh...

Bah!

Okay, well, if you need me,

I will be upstairs doing the Jamaican Donut.

Yeah. It's like yoga, except it's stinky.

Then we'll do a Pittsburgh Platter,

Cleveland Steamer. We'll mix it up.

AARON: So that was your real father?

Yeah.

I like him.

I like him a lot.

Are you effing kidding me?

This is the biggest piece of crap video I've ever seen.

I know. We aren't getting squat for it.

ADELE: I don't know.

Well, I thought it was pretty damn good.

Could one of you be a dove and get me another tub of popcorn?

Extra butter, please, with a splash of patchouli oil?

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

I like the taste of honey

This ain't from a honey bee

I like the sea and sunshine

I like to feel I'm free

I like the icy water

I like to feel I'm tall

I like your lips On my lips

I'll catch you When you fall

I like it that way

Yes, I like it that way

I like it that way

Yes, I like it that way

I like the color purple

It makes my world go round

I like the shady palm tree

When I lay on the ground

I like it that way

Yes, I like it that way

I like it that way

Yes, I like it that way

I like it that way

I like it that way

Yes, I like it that way

I like it that way

Yes, I like it that way

The Description of 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity With the Devil Inside the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo