Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Tough Sh*t

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- THERE WAS ONLY ONE FEMALE SMURF, RIGHT?

- YES. - WHY DO YOU THINK THAT WAS?

- I DON'T KNOW.

IF THERE WERE MORE THAN ONE,

WOULD THERE BE TOO MUCH CONFLICT?

- I MEAN, HOW COULD THERE BE MORE CONFLICT

THAN WITH JUST ONE GIRL?

- [laughs]

- HOW WOULD YOU GUYS FEEL IF I STARTED TALKING

LIKE A SMURF ALL THE TIME?

LIKE, "I SMURF YOU, WALT."

- EW, YOU FREAK. GET OUT OF HERE.

[laughter]

YOU SHOULD USE SMURF TALK IN THE BEDROOM...

- OH, THAT'D BE GREAT. - WITH YOUR WIFE TONIGHT.

- UH...

- I'M GOING TO SMURF THAT LITTLE SMURF.

I'M GOING TO BE GARGAMEL TONIGHT,

AND I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR SMURF.

- I'M GOING TO SMURF YOU INTO A PIE.

- ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO TRY THAT.

I'LL LET YOU GUYS KNOW HOW IT GOES.

WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

- WHAT ARE YOU, SMURFED UP?

- SHE CHECKS HIM INTO A PSYCH WARD.

[laughter]

[exciting music]

- HELLO, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EPISODE

OF COMIC BOOK MEN--

THE ONLY SHOW THAT'S FORTIFIED WITH RED KRYPTONITE.

I'M KEVIN SMITH.

- BRYAN JOHNSON. - WALT FLANAGAN.

- MIKE ZAPCIC. - MING CHEN.

- SO WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON IN THE STASH LATELY?

- SOMETIMES AN ITEM COMES INTO THE STASH THAT'S SO WEIRD

THAT I QUESTION WHETHER I SHOULD EVEN NEGOTIATE ON IT.

[suspenseful music]

HOLY CRAP.

- HI.

[laughter]

THIS IS A CUSTOM-MADE REPRODUCTION OF MECHA-KONG

FROM THE 1967 FILM KING KONG ESCAPES.

- OH, MY GOD. IT LOOKS AWESOME.

- THANKS.

I CAN SMELL YOU FROM HERE.

WHAT IS THAT MADE OUT OF, ASBESTOS?

- IT'S FOAM, LIKE COUCH CUSHIONS,

AND THEN A LAYER OF LATEX RUBBER OVER IT.

- ALL HELD TOGETHER WITH ASS SWEAT.

[laughter]

- THE ORIGINAL KING KONG WINDS UP

ON EVERYBODY'S TOP 100 LIST

BECAUSE IT WAS A TECHNICAL ACHIEVEMENT IN ITS DAY.

- BUT I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE ALWAYS POOH-POOHING

THE MOVIES THAT CAME AFTER THE ORIGINAL KING KONG, MAN.

THEY DID KING KONG VS. GODZILLA, ANOTHER GREAT MOVIE,

BUT THEN THEY FOLLOWED UP WITH KING KONG ESCAPES,

WHICH WAS KING KONG VERSUS A ROBOTIC KING KONG.

YEAH, IT WAS A GUY IN A SUIT,

BUT IT WAS A DAMN GOOD-LOOKING SUIT, THOUGH.

- AND THAT'S NOT ON THE LIST OF THE AMERICAN TOP 100 MOVIES.

[laughter]

- ARE YOU GUYS FAMILIAR WITH G-FEST--

THE ANNUAL GODZILLA CONVENTION IN CHICAGO?

- I AM.

- I'VE DONE THIS ABOUT SIX TIMES.

I'VE GONE TO THE CONVENTION DRESSED AS VARIOUS CHARACTERS,

AND THIS IS THE LATEST ONE THAT I'VE MADE.

- CAN I ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION, THOUGH?

- FIRE AWAY.

- WHY NOT JUST PAINT IT METALLIC, THOUGH?

- UM... [stammers]

[laughter] I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- HOLD ON.

- METALLIC DOESN'T BOND VERY WELL TO THE LATEX.

- 'CAUSE, I MEAN, THAT'S ALL IT'S MISSING RIGHT NOW.

IT'S A LITTLE TOO DULL.

IF IT HAD THAT METALLIC SHINE--

I MEAN, IT EVEN HAD THE DOME.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THE MOVIE...

- YEAH. - WHERE THE MECHA-KONG WOULD--

LIKE, IT HAD, LIKE, A LITTLE LIGHT ON IT,

AND WHEN HE SHOT THE LIGHT INTO THE REAL KONG'S EYES,

KONG WOULD GET ALL LOOPY AND EVERYTHING.

[laughter]

AND THEN MECHA-KONG WOULD GO IN WITH A BIG RIGHT HOOK

AND KNOCK HIM OUT.

- HE ROPE-A-DOPED HIM.

TOTAL ROPE-A-DOPE.

- IS THERE A REASON YOU CAME IN TODAY TO SHOW IT TO US?

- YES, I WAS HOPING TO SELL IT TO YOU GUYS.

IT'S JUST GOING TO BE SITTING IN MY BASEMENT.

I'D RATHER IT GO TO A FAN.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING TO GET FOR IT?

- I'M ASKING $1,100...

[laughter]

FOR A CUSTOM-MADE SUIT.

- $1,100?

I AM A FAN.

- HOWEVER...

- HOWEVER, WHAT'S IT DO OTHER THAN THAT?

LIKE, CAN I PUT YOU THROUGH SOME STRESS TESTS?

- SURE.

- MAYBE WE SET UP A LITTLE MINI CITY,

UH, SEE IF YOU CAN DESTROY IT.

- IT WON'T STAND A CHANCE.

- WHAT I REMEMBER ABOUT MECHA-KONG WAS THE NOISE.

WHENEVER HE WAS OPERATING--

[imitates high-pitched, mechanical sound]

- OH, YOU'RE-- THAT'S EERILY--

THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE POLICE ACADEMY DUDE.

[laughter]

READY, JAMES?

- BONSAI. - THREE, TWO, ONE, GO.

[dramatic music]

[mechanical crashing]

[robotic groan]

- AWESOME JOB, MAN. - THANKS.

- WAY TO SMASH BOXES.

- I LOVE THE SHOW YOU PUT ON.

YOU REALLY ARE TALENTED AND EVERYTHING.

BUT I JUST DON'T THINK WE CAN USE IT, MAN--I'M SORRY.

- CAN I KEEP THIS? - OF COURSE.

- ALL RIGHT, THANKS. - ALL RIGHT, MAN, SORRY.

NOTHING WORSE THAN A SAD MONKEY.

- NO. SADDER THAN A SAD CLOWN.

PLUS, IT'LL BE CLOSING TIME BY THE TIME HE GETS OUT OF HERE.

[all cheering]

[all chanting] KEVIN! KEVIN! KEVIN!

KEVIN! KEVIN! KEVIN!

- STASH STORE SIGNINGS--

WE HAVEN'T DONE IN A BIT, AND I HAD A BOOK COMING OUT

AND SAID, "LET'S DO A BOOK SIGNING AT THE STASH."

AND WAY MORE PEOPLE THAN I ASSUMED WOULD SHOW UP

SHOWED UP.

IT'S ALWAYS GREAT IN THEORY,

BUT THEN IT BEGINS, AND IT'S A LONG PROCESS.

HOW DO YOU GUYS FEEL ABOUT STASH SIGNING DAYS?

- ME, PERSONALLY--

I NOTICE THAT MY SINK HAS A LOT MORE OF MY HAIR IN IT.

[laughter]

- ARE YOU A TURTLE FAN?

- OH, WOW.

- IT'S AN ART DESIGN FOR THE ORIGINAL COVER.

- WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR FOR THIS?

- $20,000. - HOW MUCH?

- WE GOT, LIKE, OVER 1,000 PEOPLE OUT HERE.

I GOT TO CAP THE LINE. - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

DID YOU SAY 1,000 PEOPLE?

- SO WHAT'D YOU THINK

OF THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 328 COVER ART SALE?

- THAT'S A RECORD PRICE POINT FOR A MODERN-ART PIECE.

- OVER HALF A MILLION DOLLARS, RIGHT?

- I'M GONNA START PAINTING PICTURES, MAN--

PAINTBRUSH, GET MYSELF A BERET.

- YOU NEED THE TALENT, THOUGH. - OH.

- HI, THERE. - HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

- GOOD. ARE YOU WALT? - YES.

- I'M JASON. I SPOKE TO YOU ON THE PHONE

ABOUT THE TMNT ARTWORK. - OH, COOL.

- HOW'S IT GOING, MAN? - GREAT. THIS IS ANTHONY.

- HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU. - HI.

- ANTHONY'S ONE OF THE FOREMOST EXPERTS

ON ORIGINAL COMIC BOOK ART IN THE BUSINESS TODAY.

I ASKED HIM TO COME DOWN HERE

AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE PIECE, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

- YEAH. NO PROBLEM AT ALL. - OKAY, GREAT.

LET'S CHECK IT OUT. - I'M BRYAN.

HI. - HOW YOU DOING?

- SORRY. - [laughing]

- THERE YOU ARE.

- OH, WOW.

WHERE'D YOU GET THIS FROM?

- I ACTUALLY GOT THAT FROM KEVIN EASTMAN HIMSELF.

HE HAD LED ME TO BELIEVE

THAT IT WAS ART DESIGN FOR THE ORIGINAL COVER.

- A POTENTIAL COVER FOR THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE SERIES?

- YEAH, FOR THE VERY FIRST ISSUE.

- WOW. OKAY.

AND WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR FOR THIS?

- GIVEN THAT THIS IS ONE OF THEIR EARLY DRAWINGS,

$20,000.

- HOW MUCH? - THROW HIM OUT.

[laughter]

- $20,000? - FOR A PENCIL SKETCH.

- FOR ME TO PAY 20,000, IT WOULD HAVE TO BE THE COVER

TO TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES NUMBER 1,

NOT A POSSIBLE ALT COVER. - YEAH.

BUT I WAS INTERESTED IN IT,

BECAUSE, I MEAN, YOU DON'T SEE THIS KIND OF PIECE

COME THROUGH THE DOOR EVERY DAY.

- NO, THE CHANCE TO BUY AN ORIGINAL SKETCH, MAN,

IT'S WORTH THINKING ABOUT.

- WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S DATED 1986, AND I THOUGHT

THE FIRST ISSUE CAME OUT IN 1984, THOUGH.

- '84, YEAH. - OKAY.

- SO THIS-- - PUTS IT A COUPLE YEARS LATER.

- YEAH.

- IF KEVIN TOLD YOU THAT

AND SIGNED IT A COUPLE YEARS LATER,

I MEAN, I CAN'T DISPUTE HIS WORD TO YOU,

BUT IT'S MORE OF, LIKE, IN THAT CONCEPT STAGE

AND NOT A FINISHED ART PIECE.

THIS IS KEVIN'S PENCILS, BUT YOU GOT TO REMEMBER THAT

HIM AND PETER LAIRD WERE WORKING TOGETHER.

SO THEIR FINISHED PIECES WERE A COMBINATION OF THEIR ARTWORK

AND WERE FULLY REALIZED IN PENCILS AND INKS.

SO THAT'S WHAT A TRUE NINJA TURTLES COLLECTOR

WOULD BE LOOKING FOR.

AS JUST A KEVIN EASTMAN PIECE,

I'VE SEEN SIMILARS IN THE $2,000 TO $2,500 RANGE.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, THANK YOU, ANTHONY.

I APPRECIATE THAT. - OH, YOU'RE WELCOME.

I'LL LET YOU GET TO YOUR BUSINESS.

- ALL RIGHT.

WELL, DOES THAT CHANGE YOUR OPENING OFFER?

I MEAN, I CAN GIVE YOU $2,000 RIGHT NOW FOR IT.

- [exhales deeply]

AH, MAN. I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO ANY LESS THAN $6,000.

- $2,200.

I'LL PAY YOU RETAIL

OF WHAT ANTHONY, THE EXPERT, HAS SAID IT'S VALUED.

I'LL PAY--I'LL PAY ITS FULL VAL--

I KNOW. - ARE YOU OKAY?

- NO, I KNOW. - JESUS.

- IS HE SICK?

- I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

- ARE YOU A TURTLE FAN? - I AM A TURTLE FAN.

- YEAH? - YEAH.

- THAT'S WHY I'M WILLING TO PAY YOU.

IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, I WANT TO KEEP IT

AND MAYBE PUT IT ON MY WALL

WHERE I HAVE SOME OF MY FAVORITE PIECES.

THIS IS A PRETTY NICE PIECE.

- $2,200? - YEAH.

HOW ABOUT $5,500?

[laughter]

- WOW. UM...

- JUST TORMENTING YOU.

- NO, I'M SORRY, MAN. - OKAY.

- THIS PAINS ME TO SEE IT GO BACK IN HERE,

AND YOU WALK AWAY WITH IT NOW. - YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT, MAN. I'M SORRY. - SORRY ABOUT THAT, WALT.

- ALL RIGHT. - THANKS SO MUCH.

- HAVE A GREAT AFTERNOON, MAN. - YEAH, YOU TOO.

- HELLO, EVERYBODY.

WELCOME TO TODAY'S SIGNING.

[cheers and applause] ALL RIGHT, GO AHEAD.

- YEAH! - ONE...

TWO, THREE, FOUR. - ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

LINE UP AGAINST THE COUNTER, BUY YOUR BOOK,

AND THEN THE LINE STARTS HERE.

- THE ONLY WAY I EVER FEEL SECURE AT A BOOK SIGNING

IS WHEN THE TOP NAME IN SECURITY

IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

GIVE IT UP FOR OUR BUDDY, JASON MEWES, MAN.

- ALL RIGHT. - YEAH.

- HELLO. - WHAT'S UP, SIR?

YOU'RE STILL WEARING THE OUTFIT, I SEE.

- I THINK I'M GONNA WEAR IT FOR AT LEAST A WEEK.

IT MADE ME FEEL SECURE.

- WHAT WAS IT LIKE WORKING FOR JASON MEWES OR UNDER HIM?

- IT WAS FUN. I THINK WE DID A GREAT JOB.

WAS THE FOOTBALL BREACHED? NO.

- WAS I THE FOOTBALL?

- WELL, YEAH. THAT WAS YOUR CODE NAME.

- THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL ME BEHIND MY BACK?

[laughter]

COME ON IN.

PLEASURE, MAN. PLEASURE.

- NO TOUCHING, NO STARING, NONE OF THIS.

[sniffs] - HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

- DON'T FART, PAL. DON'T BE FARTIN'.

- TO? - SPIDEY.

- I HAD TO ASK.

- OH, MY GOD.

WOW. - WOODCHUCK TO SQUIRREL.

WOODCHUCK TO SQUIRREL. HOW MANY ARE HERE, BABY?

- SQUIRREL TO WOODCHUCK.

WE GOT, LIKE, OVER 1,000 PEOPLE OUT HERE.

I GOT TO CAP THE LINE. - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

DID YOU SAY 1,000 PEOPLE?

- HERE IT IS.

ALL THE KISS MEMBERS POURED THEIR BLOOD

IN THE RED INK.

SO THAT'S KISS DNA RIGHT THERE.

- LOOK AT YOUR INK. LET ME SEE.

- OH, NO, HERE. - HOLY COW.

DUDE, I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY FACE ON MY OWN SKIN.

- DO YOU REMEMBER

THE STAR WARS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL?

- HOLIDAY SPECIAL. - MY BAD. MY BAD.

THAT'S RIGHT. - WASN'T JUST FOR CATHOLICS.

- GOOD POINT, GOOD POINT-- GEORGE LUCAS WAS SMART ENOUGH

TO MAKE IT VERY NONDENOMINATIONAL.

AND IN STAR WARS, THEY CELEBRATE THE "HOLIDAY."

BUT THE HOLIDAY WAS SPECIFICALLY CALLED SOMETHING.

- LIFE DAY. - WITH LIFE DAY,

THEY'RE LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO CELEBRATE?"

THEY'RE, LIKE, "LIFE, BITCH!" [laughter]

THAT SHOW IS HISTORIC FOR STAR WARS FANS

NOT FOR HOW BAD IT IS IN TERMS OF, LIKE, THE DIALOGUE.

IT'S ALSO SHOT ON VIDEO, SO IT LOOKS KIND OF CHEAP.

BUT WHAT FANS MOSTLY REMEMBER ABOUT THAT

IS THE INTRODUCTION OF BOBA FETT.

I MEAN, THIS IS, LIKE, A YEAR BEFORE

EMPIRE STRIKES BACK CAME OUT.

SO WE WERE ALL LIKE, "AH, THIS IS AMAZING."

- AND GEORGE LUCAS HAS SAID HE'LL NEVER RELEASE THAT.

- WHY DO YOU THINK HE WON'T RELEASE IT?

IT'S A PART OF HIS HERITAGE, MAN.

LIKE, IF YOU STAND BY JAR JAR,

YOU GOT TO STAND

BY THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL.

- I KNOW, WHY DOESN'T HE JUST GO BACK IN AND REDO IT

JUST LIKE HE DID THE MOVIES, THOUGH?

MAKE IT BETTER. - TOTALLY.

HE COULD TAKE OUT BEA ARTHUR

AND PUT IN SHIA LABEOUF.

[laughter]

- YOU'LL BE THERE SOON. YEAH, BABY, YEAH.

- WHOO!

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

WHAT'S UP, LITTLE BRO?

YOU KNOW WHAT? EVERYBODY HERE AND OVER,

YOU GUYS CAN'T COME IN NOW.

- NO?

- NAH, I'M JUST KIDDING, I'M JUST KIDDING.

- THANK YOU FOR WAITING.

HAVE FUN, GUYS. HEY.

- COME ON OVER HERE, GUYS. - HOLY CRAP.

LOOK AT YOUR INK. - OH, NO, HERE.

- LET ME SEE. - OH, NO, HERE.

- SO-- - HOLY COW.

DUDE, I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY FACE ON MY OWN SKIN.

- YEAH, HE WANTS YOU TO SIGN-- - OVER HERE?

- 'CAUSE HE'S GONNA GET A TATTOO.

- TOTALLY, TOTALLY.

GOD, LOOK AT THAT.

DUDE, YOU'RE A LIVING WORK OF ART.

- YEAH.

- LIKE, I'M EASY TO DO

'CAUSE IT'S JUST LIKE A FAT DUDE AND BEARD,

SO I'M GENERALLY EASY TO GET.

MEWES IS VERY HARD TO DO, AND THAT'S A PRETTY GREAT MEWES.

- DUDE HAS A TRAMP STAMP OF YOUR NAME ON HIS BACK?

- AND MY FACE. - [laughs]

- JAY AND SILENT BOB-- - LET'S SEE IT, MING.

[laughter]

- BUT I'VE SIGNED A FEW BODY PARTS.

WEIRDEST THING I'VE EVER SIGNED WAS A DUDE'S TESTICLE.

- NO. - YES.

DUDE POPPED IT OUT AT A SIGNING--JUST ONE.

AND I WAS, LIKE-- - AND YOU GOT IN THERE--

HOW CLOSE DID YOU GET? - VERY CLOSE.

- I WAS THERE TOO. I WAS SECURITY THAT TIME.

- YOU TAKE A BULLET FOR HIM?

- SO YOU'RE SAYING IF HE STARTED TO SWING 'EM,

HE WAS, LIKE, "NO!"

WOULD I BE, LIKE... AND CATCH IT.

[indistinct chatter]

- HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

- I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAD

ANY OF THE ORIGINAL '70s KISS COMICS.

- WE DO. - OOH.

- HEY, MIKE, CAN YOU GRAB THE KISS MAGS?

- BE HAPPY TO. - KISS FAN?

- UH, YEAH.

I MEAN, BACK THEN, REALLY, WHO WASN'T?

THEY'RE EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG WITH ROCK AND ROLL.

AND YOU CAN'T NOT LOVE IT.

- THEY'RE EVERYTHING THAT'S RIGHT WITH ROCK AND ROLL.

- THIS IS PHENOMENAL.

- I HEARD RUMORS THAT THEY ACTUALLY PUT BLOOD IN THE INK.

KISS WENT TO A PRINTING PLANT.

- THEY ACTUALLY HAD A REGISTERED NURSE

DRAW THE BLOOD OUT OF EACH OF THEM.

- HERE IT IS.

- OH, THEY DOCUMENTED IT.

- THEY DOCUMENTED IT IN THE BOOK.

- [laughs]

- ALL THE KISS MEMBERS TOOK THEIR VIALS

AND POURED THEIR BLOOD IN THE RED INK.

SO RIGHT HERE, THAT'S KISS DNA RIGHT THERE.

[laughter]

- HOW COME NOBODY'S DONE THAT SINCE?

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, IN A POST-H.I.V. WORLD,

PEOPLE ARE A LOT MORE CAREFUL ABOUT BLOOD,

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU COULD STILL COME UP WITH A DOCTOR

AND BE LIKE, "THIS BLOOD IS CLEAN"

AND THROW IT IN IT. WHY--HOW COME NOBODY--

- I'M SURE KISS NEVER DABBLED IN PREMARITAL SEX OR DRUGS.

YOU DON'T GOT TO WORRY ABOUT THAT BLOOD BEING TAINTED.

WERE YOU A MEMBER OF THE KISS ARMY?

- UH, YEAH. - PRODUCE YOUR DRAFT CARD.

[laughter]

- BUT YOU ARE THE BIGGEST KISS FAN I KNOW.

- CAN I MAKE A CONFESSION? - SURE.

- WHEN THIS MAGAZINE CAME OUT,

I WAS KIND OF A LITTLE BIT SCARED OF KISS.

- [snickers] - WHAT?

- YOU WERE TEN, DUDE.

- YEAH, BUT I WAS A SHELTERED TEN-YEAR-OLD, THOUGH.

I WAS LISTENING TO BARRY MANILOW,

THE TEMPTATIONS.

I REMEMBER SEEING VIDEO FOOTAGE, THE VERY FIRST TIME I SAW KISS,

SPITTING BLOOD, THE WHITE FACES, AND THE SOUND--

I HAD NEVER HEARD A SOUND LIKE THAT.

- THIS IS NO BARRY MANILOW.

- [laughs] YEAH, YEAH.

COPACABANA THIS IS NOT.

- WOW.

- NO WONDER KISS WAS SCARY, MAN.

YOU'RE LIKE...

HER NAME WAS LOLA

SUDDENLY THIS GUY COMES OUT WITH MAKEUP,

BREATHING BLOOD, AND SPITTING FIRE,

WITH DRAGON BOOTS.

- I WAS UNCERTAIN IF I WAS ABLE TO HANDLE IT,

YOU KNOW, AS A YOUNGSTER.

- AS A BIG BARRY MANILOW FAN,

YOU'RE LIKE, "AM I READY TO TAKE THE CHANCE AGAIN?"

[laughter]

- SO YOU'RE LOOKING TO GET BOTH OF 'EM, HUH?

- YEAH.

- WELL, $275 FOR THE PAIR.

- AH, THAT'S A LITTLE BIT STEEP.

I WOULD BE COMFORTABLE SOMEWHERE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF $175.

- FOR BOTH OF 'EM? - YEAH.

- OOH, I COULDN'T DO THAT.

THESE ARE PRETTY RARE.

YOU DON'T WALK INTO EVERY COMIC BOOK STORE

AND SEE THESE SITTING ON THE WALL.

HOW ABOUT $225?

- WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO 200 BUCKS, CASH?

- YOU DID SAY YOU'RE A FELLOW MEMBER

OF THE KISS ARMY, AND WE TAKE CARE OF OUR OWN.

ALL RIGHT, MY FRIEND. - FANTASTIC.

OH, ALL RIGHT. THERE WE GO.

- [laughs]

- WE GOT THE HOLY GRAIL OF TOYS.

- OH. YOU WEREN'T WHISTLING DIXIE.

- IT HARDLY QUALIFIES AS A TOY.

- I'M GONNA [bleep] SMACK YOU ACROSS THE FACE

IF YOU SAY THAT AGAIN. - [laughs]

[cheers and applause]

- AH, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU DIDN'T MISS YOUR NAP, DID YOU?

- NO. - ALL RIGHT, FANTASTIC.

WE'LL GET YOU IN THERE QUICK.

- WE GOT TO KEEP GOING.

- HOW YOU DOING, BUDDY? HOW ARE YOU?

- WHO'S NEXT?

- HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? - I GOT THE HOLY GRAIL OF TOYS.

YOU WANT TO JUST TAKE A QUICK LOOK?

- OH, ALL RIGHT, IF IT'S THE HOLY GRAIL.

OH. - THERE YOU GO.

- OH, MY GOD. YOU WEREN'T WHISTLING DIXIE.

YOU GOT THE BOX TOO? - YEP.

- THAT'S THE HOLY GRAIL. WHAT IS IT?

- IT'S MARVEL WORLD, MAN.

THIS IS THE TOY THAT MADE ME WHO I AM TODAY.

- [laughs] - A WEAK-KNEED LITTLE SISSY BOY?

- I DON'T EVEN CARE, MAN.

I DON'T EVEN CARE WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THIS IS WHERE I MADE COMIC BOOKS COME TO LIFE IN MY LIVING ROOM.

YOU GOT THE DAILY BUGLE.

AND LOOK, THERE'S THE INNER SANCTUM.

THAT'S WHERE DR. STRANGE LIVES.

YOU LOOK INSIDE AND SEE HIM AND CLEA.

THIS WAS THE GREATEST TOY EVER INVENTED BY HUMAN HANDS.

- REALLY?

WELL, IT HARDLY QUALIFIES AS A TOY.

- I'M GONNA [bleep] SMACK YOU ACROSS THE FACE

IF YOU SAY THAT AGAIN. - [laughs]

- THAT TOY WAS EVERYTHING TO ME AS A LITTLE KID.

I MEAN, I PLAYED WITH IT TILL IT FELL APART.

I MEAN, I CREATED EVERYTHING IN THAT LITTLE MARVEL WORLD.

ESSENTIALLY, I WAS GOD. [laughter]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH KIDS TODAY?

WHY CAN'T THERE BE PAPER--

LITTLE FIGURES AND LITTLE CARDBOARD HOUSES?

- I THINK IT'S CALLED THE INTERNET.

[laughter]

- OH, MY GOD, MAN.

WHY ARE YOU SELLING THIS?

- I'M JUST AT A POINT WHERE, YOU KNOW, I'M DOWNSIZING.

AND I REALIZED IT DEFINITELY HAS SOME VALUE,

AND THOUGHT, WHAT BETTER PLACE TO COME THAN COME SEE YOU, MAN?

- I WANT IT, MAN.

I WANT IT, BUT I DON'T WANT IT FOR THE STORE, MAN.

I WANT IT FOR ME.

- I BELIEVE THAT MIGHT GIVE ME A BARGAINING CHIP THERE.

THAT'S WHY I MAY HAVE TO REMOVE MYSELF FROM THE EQUATION.

HEY, KEV? - YEAH?

- ENJOY THE REST OF THE DAY. SORRY FOR THE WAIT.

- I WANT YOU TO CHECK SOMETHING OUT, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN EVEN STAND UP,

BUT CHECK THIS OUT. - HOLY CRAP.

- I WANT THIS, MAN, FOR ME.

BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN PROPERLY NEGOTIATE

IN THIS HIGHLY EMOTIONAL STATE RIGHT NOW.

- [laughs] - I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL.

- REALLY? - HE'S HAVING HOT FLASHES.

- I THINK I'M GOING THROUGH MENOPAUSE.

- IF YOU'RE FEELING THE VAPORS, MAYBE I CAN HANDLE THIS FOR YOU.

- YOU TAKE OVER. - YEAH, YOU JUST LOOK AND PLAY.

- ALL RIGHT. - COOL.

- HOW MUCH YOU LOOKING FOR?

- I CAME IN HERE WITH A NUMBER IN MIND OF $600.

- WE'LL TAKE IT.

[laughter]

- YOU WANT ME TO TRY A LITTLE BIT?

- YEAH. NO, I'M SORRY.

[slaps face] NO. I DIDN'T MEAN THAT. NO.

- $600 FOR A PIECE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD?

HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY TO HAVE FIVE YEARS OLD BACK?

SO I SAY 6-- YOU KNOW WHAT, MAN?

I'M GONNA BUY IT FOR MY FRIEND.

THIS IS A GIFT FROM ME TO WALTER.

I'LL PAY THE $600. - AWESOME.

THANKS, KEVIN. I APPRECIATE IT.

- YOU'RE GONNA BE A KID ALL OVER AGAIN, MAN.

- OH, THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

- THANK YOU, MAN. - YOU'RE WELCOME, SIR.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY. - I DON'T DESERVE IT.

I DON'T DESERVE IT. - HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS.

- HAVE A GOOD ONE, GUYS. - THANK YOU, SIR.

- OH, WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S THAT?

- THAT'S WHERE THE HULK COMES OUT, MAN.

HULK WOULD COME OUT OF HERE. - IS THERE A HULK FIGURE?

- IS THERE A HULK FIGURE? NO, THERE'S NO HULK FIGURE.

[deep voice] YES, THERE IS.

[laughter]

[normal voice] HOW AWESOME IS THIS? OH, MAN.

- THE BEST PART OF IT WASN'T GETTING THE PIECE ITSELF.

IT WAS LITERALLY WATCHING THE REACTION OF A MAN-CHILD

REDUCED TO NEAR TEARS.

[laughter]

- NOW I OWN MY CHILDHOOD AGAIN.

- IT WAS LIKE THE ENDING OF CITIZEN KANE

IF HE GOT ROSEBUD.

[exhales sharply]

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I APPRECIATE IT.

- THANKS FOR WAITING, MAN. THANKS FOR WAITING.

- COME ON IN. - HI.

- YOU'RE THE LAST DUDE, MAN. - OH, THANK YOU, SIR.

- I FELT YOU GRAB MY ASS. IT'S OKAY.

THE END-OF-THE-LINE GUY

GETS TO DO THAT. - WE CAN DO THAT.

- WE GOT TO BE ABLE TO MAKE IT EVEN MORE WORTH HIS WHILE.

- HERE IT IS. $100 GIFT CERTIFICATE.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- YOU GOT TO SPEND IT HERE, UNFORTUNATELY.

- THAT'S FINE. THAT'S WONDERFUL.

- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE SIGNING

AS THE GUY THAT RUNS THE STORE?

- YES. - THE END.

[laughter]

- YOU'RE NOT FAR OFF.

I LOVE TURNING THAT KEY ON THE REGISTER

AND WE GET THE FINAL TALLY.

AND THAT REGISTER SPITS OUT A RECEIPT

THAT'S, LIKE, LONGER THAN A PYTHON.

- SNAKING OUT OF THE REGISTER.

- SPITTING OUT DOLLAR SIGNS AT ME.

AND YOU READ THAT TALLY,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? ALL THIS HARD WORK--

IT WAS WORTH IT. IT WAS A GOOD DAY."

BUT I DON'T MIND IF YOU KEEP THESE

TO ONCE EVERY FIVE YEARS.

[laughter]

- AND, FOLKS, THAT IS GONNA WRAP IT UP

FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF COMIC BOOK MEN.

I'M KEVIN SMITH.

- BRYAN JOHNSON. - JASON MEWES.

- WALT FLANAGAN.

- MIKE ZAPCIC. - MING CHEN.

- REMEMBER, KIDS,

THEY HAVE AN ARMY, BUT WE HAVE A HULK.

GOOD NIGHT.

The Description of Tough Sh*t