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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Caddyshack

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[acapella humming]

[instrumental music]

[squeaking]

[Kenny Loggins singing "I'm Alright]

I'm alright

Nobody worry 'bout me

Why you got to gimme a fight

Can't you just let it be

Alright, kids! Rise and shine!

Let's go, everybody! Let's go.

Come on, girls! Come on. Enough with the hair!

[yawns]

Hit the deck.

Hit the deck. Let's go, girls.

- Hey, hey. - Let's go, everybody. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Patricia, now, wake up.

Come on. Let's go. I thought you'd been..

[giggling]

Okay, let's go.

Turn off that radio!

Hoppy, yappy, yappy.

[baby crying]

- Oh. Thanks. - Yeah.

Hey, Gab.

I talked to Pete Scalary last night.

He's going to get that training bra back to you real soon.

- Who's in here? - 'Ah! Danny! Go!'

- Alright. Shut up! - Mom. Mom.

Danny saw me naked!

You think you're cool, Danny?

Who are you? I mean, what's your name?

- Dennis. - Did you brush your teeth.

- Both of them. - When will you get a haircut?

Honey, who is this?

That's your nephew.

What are we running, a restaurant?

Did you get out yesterday?

Yes. Twice.

I caddied for Ty Webb in the morning

and I had doubles in the afternoon.

How much is that?

It's about $30 plus tips.

Well, put it in the college fund!

He's like a three-year old!

You have to tell him every time he gets money in his pocket.

As soon as you guys get back from Little League

let's get some painting done on this house.

The Douglases got fake brick. You don't have to paint it.

Hooray for the Douglases!

Oh, Jonathan! Bad boy!

Why not give the St. Copius Scholarship people a call?

I don't know about that place anymore.

You know, I talked to a guy who went there and said

there were only two girls and they were both nuns.

Ah! I saw that! That's about ten bucks in change!

I had a couple of burgers and some Cokes for lunch.

- How many Cokes? - Four or five.

- What are you, a diabetic? - I don't know.

Wait. You're not leaving until we settle the college thing!

I am telling you, if he doesn't have something lined up

by September, I'm gonna ask Tom Burdick

to put him on at the lumber yard!

'He's not gonna work at the lumber yard!'

'Well, he isn't going to be a caddy all his life, is he?'

I'm alright

Nobody worry about me

Why you got to gimme a fight

Can't you just let it be

I'm alright

Nobody worry 'bout me

You ain't got to gimme a fight

Why don't you just let me be

Who do you want

Who are you going to be today

And who is it really

Makin' up your mind

You wanna listen to the man

Pay attention to the magistrate

And while I got you in the mood

Listen to your

Own heart beatin' ♪

Own heart beatin' ♪

Own heart beatin' ♪

Own heart beatin' ♪

I'm alright

Nobody worry 'bout me

Why you got to gimme a fight

Can't you just let it be

I'm alright

Don't nobody worry 'bout me

Ain't got to gimme a fight

Why don't you just let me be

I'm alright ♪♪

Hey, Mr. Webb. Can I ask you something?

Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.

- Danny. - Danny.

When you were my age, did you ever have trouble

deciding what you wanted to do with your life?

No, I never had that problem, really. Why?

Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand.

- Do you take drugs, Danny? - Every day.

- Good. So what's the problem? - I don't know. I don't know.

Did you have to take that Cooter Preference Test

when you were a senior in high school?

Oh, yeah, I took it.

They said I should be a fire-watcher.

[chuckles]

- What are you supposed to be? - An underachiever.

[chuckles]

I got to go to college. I got to!

Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia.

Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it?

- Nah. - I didn't think so.

No, the thing is, really, do you want to go to college?

In Nebraska? Besides, it costs like $8,000 a year.

Hold on, Danny. I think I lent you, what, $2.50 yesterday.

I can't foot the bill for everything around here.

So don't ask for money.

It's just that my dad, he can't afford it.

I haven't told him about the scholarship I didn't get.

I'm gonna end up working in a lumber yard

for the rest of my life.

What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumber yards.

I notice you don't spend too much time there.

- I'm not sure where they are. - Oh.

[sighs]

I like you, Betty.

That's Danny, sir.

Danny. I'm going to give you a little advice.

There's a force in the universe that makes things happen.

All you have to do is get in touch with it.

Stop thinking, let things happen

and be the ball.

- Danny? Danny? - Sir?

- Where's the, uh, wedge? - Right here, sir.

Thank you, Danny.

Find your center.

Hear nothing. Feel nothing.

That was kind of incredible, sir.

- You try it, Danny. - Pardon me?

Pardon you? Here.

- You try it. - Oh, I don't know.

Go ahead.

Just relax. Find your center.

Picture the shot, Danny. Picture it.

Turn off all the sound.

Just let it happen. Be the ball.

Be the ball, Danny. You're not being the ball, Danny.

Well, it's a kind of difficult with you talking like that.

Okay. I'm not talking. Stop talking.

I'm not talking now.

Be the ball.

Where did it go?

Right in the lumber yard.

It's okay. We'll work on it.

[gopher squeaking]

[gopher squeaking]

McFiddish!

- Sir! - Do you know what I just saw?

- 'No, sir.' - A gopher!

A gopher? Where?

Do you know what gophers can

do to a golf course?

Why, sir, I think they're tunneling in

from that construction site over yonder.

(Judge Smails) 'Czervik Construction Company?'

I'll slap an injunction on them so fast

it will make their heads spin. You..

You better get rid of those gophers.

or I'll be looking for a new greenskeeper!

- Is that clear? - Aye, sir! Very clear, sir!

I'll put my best man on it!

This is great. I'm looking at you.

You wore green so you could hide.

[chuckles]

I don't blame you. You're a tramp.

Oh, that was a good one!

Oh, that was right where you wanted it.

Oh, Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman, you know that?

You're a little monkey woman.

You're lean and you're mean and you're not too far between

either, l bet, are you? Huh?

Would you like to wrap your spikes around my head?

Come on. Damn your eyes, man!

I told you to cut the long grass

on the 13th and mow the practice green!

- I was unavoidably detained. - Look.

You can forget about the 13th and the practice green.

I've got a more important job for you.

I want you to kill every gopher on the course!

Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers

they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key.

Gophers! God Greek.

Not golfers! The little brown furry rodents!

- We can do that. - Aye.

We don't even have to have a reason.

Then do it, man!

I'll just do the same thing, but with gophers.

Oh, hush!

It's not my fault nobody can understand what you're saying.

I'mma gonna raise a fuss

I'mma gonna raise a holler ♪♪

Give me the Mets on three and I'll take the Yankees even.

I'll call you back.

Caddyshack.

Yeah.

What have you got?

Alright. I'll be right up.

- Noonan. - Yeah, man.

Take over for me. I'll be right back.

Okay.

- Ah, Jerome? - Hmm.

Pete.

Oh, well my mamma and pappa told me.. ♪

So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet.

And I get on as a looper at a course over there in Himalayas.

A looper?

A looper. You know, a caddy, a looper. A jock.

So I tell them I'm a pro jock.

And who do you think they give me?

The Dalai Lama, himself.

'The 12th son of the Lama.'

The flowing robes, the grace

bald...striking.

So I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver.

He hauls off and whacks one. Big hitter, the Lama. Long!

Into a 10,000 foot crevice right at the base of this glacier.

'Do you know what the Lama says?'

No.

"Gunga galunga. Gunga gunga da gunga."

So we finish 18 and he's going to stiff me.

'And I say, "Hey, Lama! Hey!'

"How about a little something

you know, for the effort? You know."

'And he says, "Oh, there won't be any money.'

"But when you die, on your deathbed

you will receive total consciousness."

So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

Your ball is right over there, go straight

and you can't miss it.

Mrs. Havercamp, you go that way and it's right over..

Mrs. Haver.. Mrs. Havercamp, you need this.

- Oh, I might, at that. - Yeah.

[birds chirping]

Mr. Havercamp, Mr. Havercamp

your ball is right over here, sir.

It's right there.

No, Mr. Havercamp, the green is right over there.

It's that way. Look. Sir.

Just bend a little that way and swing away and..

Just straight up. That's fine. Great.

Whee!

That's a peach, hon.

Oh, Dolly, I'm hot today!

(male #1) 'What did I do? Did they die on you, Tony?'

[indistinct chatter]

I can't pay you. Lou has to.

- Where is he? - He's out.

I can see that he's out, numb nuts!

Give me a Coke.

One Coke.

Hey, wait a minute!

That's only 50 cents!

Yeah. Lou raised the price of Coke.

- He's been losing at the track. - Uh-oh.

Well, I ain't paying no 50 cents for no Coke!

Hah!

Then you ain't getting no Coke!

Know what I'm talking about?

You've had it, Noonan! Come on, open this door!

- Open up this door. - Watch it, jerk!

Jerk?

- Come on out, Noonan! - Wow. Fight it, baby.

Hey! What's going on?

Open up, Noonan. Come on.

- A little problem.. - Out! Out.

Sure you don't need me for nothing?

No!

Hi, guy.

Oh.

Hey, I think you and I ought to go outside

and have a little talk.

- Talk? - Yeah.

My friend, you have no idea how happy this is going to make me.

I'm going to enjoy this thoroughly.

I hope that means the both of us.

Couldn't we just arm wrestle or something, buddy?

That's my brother! Come here. Give me a hand.

[clamoring]

Whip his ass, Tony!

Okay, Noonan. Who did you say the jerk was, jerk, huh?

[clamoring]

[glass shattering]

[clamoring continues]

What is this?

- What does the sign say? - "No bare feet."

- What does that sign say? - "No fighting."

- What does it mean? - No fighting.

You owe me one gumball machine!

What's that candy wrapper doing there?

Don't you see it? Well, pick it up!

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna put it right on the line.

There have been a lot of complaints already.

Fooling around on the course, bad language

smoking grass, poor caddying.

'If you guys want to get fired'

if you want to be replaced by golf carts, just keep it up.

'Alright, one announcement.'

Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer school

from a severe anxiety attack.

I heard he swallowed his vomit during a test.

However it happened, he was a good caddy and a good kid.

'He was a brownnose, Lou! You hated him.'

Shut up!

That means the caddy scholarship is available again.

'And anyone who's interested should go see Judge Smails.'

And kiss his ass!

That would help.

Alright, let's move out. We've got golfers awaiting.

Let's go. You, Angie, pick up that blood.

Hey, Lou.

What kind of grades do I need for this Caddy Scholarship deal?

Well, if you've been a good caddy, I think they're lenient.

Well, we're about to tee off now, so call the hospital

and move my appointment with Mrs. Bellows back 30 minutes.

What? Oh.

Well, just snake a tube down her nose and I'll be there in

four or five hours. Testing now.

Three, two, one, check.

Do you have any A's?

Don't you have homes?

- Porterhouse. - Yes, sir, Judge.

There's a brown Audi parked in my parking space.

Get a tow truck over here and have it hauled away immediately!

Right away, Judge. Right away, sir.

Sir.

- 'Oh, Porterhouse!' - Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, Judge. Yes, sir.

Look at the wax build-up on those shoes!

This is fine leather! I want that wax stripped off there!

I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois.

And I want them now! Chop, chop.

You got 'em, Judge!

Spaulding, get dressed. You're playing golf today.

No, I'm not, Grandpa! I'm playing tennis!

You're play golf and you're going to like it!

- What about my asthma? - I'll give you asthma!

Ty, what did you shoot today?

Oh, I don't keep score, Judge.

Oh well, how do you measure yourself with other golfers?

By height.

You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself.

I mean, he's been Club champion for three years running

and I'm no slouch, myself.

Don't sell yourself short, Judge.

You're a tremendous slouch.

Oh, say, Fred?

Have you heard the latest one

about the Jew, the Catholic

and the colored boy who went to heaven?

[laughs]

Yeah.

That's a doozie, Judge!

Colored boy?

Why, you son of a bitch!

I'll fix you, you..

Colored boy..

[horn tooting]

Here you are, kid, park my car, get my bags.

And put on some weight, will you?

[camera clicking]

Hey, Wang! What's with the pictures?

It's a parking lot! Come on, will you?

I think this place is restricted, Wang

so don't tell them you're Jewish. Okay? Fine.

Hey, kid, I'm Al Czervik.

I'm playing with Drew Scott today

and this is my guest, Mr. Wang. No offense.

Oh, may we have a half a dozen of the Vulcan D-tens

and set my friend up with the whole schmear.

You know, clubs, bags, shoes

'gloves, shirt, pants.'

Hey, orange balls!

I'll have a box of those and give me a box of those

naked-lady tees and give me two of those

'and give me six of those.'

Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw!

You buy a hat like this, I'll bet you get a free bowl of soup.

Oh, It looks good on you, though.

Okay, Judge Smails, Smails the Third

Dr. Beeper and Bishop Pickering.

Who wants it?

Yeah. I'll take Smails if nobody wants him.

[all exclaiming]

(all) Brownnose! Brownnose!

Alright.

'Motormouth, take Dr. Beeper.'

Hey, thanks, Lou.

'John, you take the Bish.'

Hey, this is ridiculous. Let me carry that one.

No. I can do it.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Madonna with meatballs!

(Judge) 'Turds! Spaulding!'

'How many times have I spoken to you about your language?'

(Spaulding) 'Sorry, Grandpa, I forgot.'

Lacey.

Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper

this is my niece, Lacey Underall.

Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.

It must be a nice change from dreary, old Manhattan.

Yes. I was getting really tired of having fun all the time.

[laughs]

- Double turds! - Spaulding!

Ojay, so where do we tee off?

Hey, boys! How are you?

We're all set to go. You know my friend here, don't you?

- Sure, sure. - How are you doing?

Okay. Right, right. Okay.

What, are we waiting for these guys?

Hey, Whitey! Where's your hat?

Let's go, while we're young!

Do you mind, sir? I'm trying to tee off.

I bet you slice it into the woods. A hundred bucks!

Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir, and I never slice!

- Damn! - Okay, you can owe me!

I owe you nothing!

Judge Smails, sir, can I talk to you?

- You want your driver? - No, he's not my type.

Now, that's a joke! I'm kidding. Yeah.

Give me the driver, will ya?

[beeps]

Alright, place your bets! Place your bets. Here we are!

Don't count that! I was interfered with.

Yes, sir.

By the way, what did Mr. Webb shoot this morning?

Well, he doesn't keep score, sir.

Yes, I know, but just guess. 80? 75?

More like 68, I think.

[chuckles]

- I don't believe it. Really? - Oh, yes.

- Shit! - 'Alright.'

Why don't you improve your lie a little, sir?

- Yes, yes. Winter rules. - Oh, yes.

(Spaulding) Double farts!

Ah.

Fore!

Fine shot.

[grunting]

[screaming]

I should have yelled two!

[groans]

Why don't we walk this off, sir?

[groans]

Hey, what have you got in here, rocks?

Are you kidding? When I was your age

I would lug 50 pounds of ice

up five, six flights of stairs!

- So what? - So what?

'So let's dance!'

I was alone

I never knew

What good love could do

Now, what the devil?

Then we touched and we sang

About the lovin' things

The man is a menace!

All night

All night ♪♪

Cut that off!

Music is a violation of our personal privacy!

- He's breaking the law! - Really?

You know, I've always been fascinated with the law, sir.

- Oh, really? What areas? - Oh, all areas.

Personal privacy, noise statutes, you know, I..

I'd planned to go to law school after I graduated, but, uh..

Looks like my folks won't have enough money

to put me through college.

Well, the world needs ditch-diggers, too.

Nice try.

Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts ♪♪

How about a nice, cool drink, varmints?

Scum, slime, menace to the golfing industry!

'You're a disgrace. And you're varmints.'

'You're one of the lowest members of the food chain'

and you'll probably be replaced by the rat.

Well, I have been pushed.

I think it's about time that somebody teach these varmints

a little lesson about morality..

...and about what it's like to be a decent

upstanding member of a society!

[screams]

'Come to Carl, varmint. Come to Carl.'

[screams]

Okay. I guess we're playing for keeps now.

I guess the kidding around is pretty much over, huh?

I guess it's just a matter now

of pumping about 15,000 gallons of water down there..

...to teach you a little bit of a lesson.

Is that it? I think it is!

[water gushing]

Cool.

- You guys are brothers, huh? - Yeah.

What is this, a family business, or what?

You know, they say for Italians, this is skilled labor.

You know that?

No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire.

You see, my doctor told me to get out

and carry golf bags a couple of times a week.

You're a funny kid, you know.

What time are you due back in Boys Town?

[chuckles]

Here we are, now.

Albert Einstein gave me this, you know?

'Yeah. Nice man. Nice man.'

[beeping]

'He made a fortune in physics.'

Boom!

[cheering]

I'll tell you, son, my main satisfaction

is working with young people like yourself

at our new Youtheran Center.

Why don't you drop by some time, huh?

I've often thought of entering the priesthood.

Oh. Are you Roman Catholic?

Oh, then, I'm sorry

but, uh, I'm afraid you can't come.

Go for it.

You know, I've often thought of becoming a golf club.

Not bad, huh? I'll have 2,000 more units in two years!

'Hey, I bet they'd love a great shopping mall right here!'

'Condos over there! Plenty of parking.'

I tell you, country clubs and cemeteries

are the biggest wasters of prime real estate!

What, dead people? They don't want to be buried nowadays.

Ecology, right? Ask Wang. He'll tell you.

We just bought property behind the Great Wall.

On the good side!

I want a hamburger.

'No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake.'

I want potato chips--

You'll get nothing and like it!

Danny. Danny, stop it. The judge will see you.

You going out with me tonight, Maggie?

Yeah, to my room? I've got to work in the dining room tonight.

Come work with me. You can bus tables.

- I've never done that. - It's easy.

You fill the water glass, you replace the butter.

If they drop a fork, you give them another one.

I don't think I can handle that.

Alright! Yes.

Carl, Put me down for five.

Oh, if I can just make this one..

Hey, Smails.

A thousand bucks you miss that putt!

Of all the nerve!

[chuckles]

[indistinct chatter]

[crowd exclaiming]

You! You! You!

[crowd screaming]

(female #1) 'Oh, my God!'

[crash]

Jesus!

[giggles]

I did not throw it--

Well, if you didn't, how the hell did it get here?

- It slipped! - Slipped?

What seems to be the problem?

He almost killed my wife with his damn club!

It was an accident! It slipped out of my hands.

I noticed your grips were worn, sir.

I should've mentioned it to you before.

I could put some "Stick-um" on there for you. It's my fault.

That's a good idea. Next time, be more careful!

Kids! What are you gonna do?

Look, I'm-I'm terribly sorry this happened.

I'll pay for your lunch and I'll-I'll pay for the umbrella.

Danny, I'll see you at the table. I'll sign your card.

[woman groaning]

Thanks for helping me back there.

You're a good caddy. Something to be very proud of.

Hey, do you know we're giving another caddy

scholarship this year?

I heard something about that, sir.

But my, my grades in school weren't that outstanding.

There are more important things than grades.

Winning the caddy tournament, for instance..

...might look pretty good on a young fellow's application.

- Well, I'm sure going to try. - This is for you.

You tell Ty Webb I'm gunning for him.

If he's as good as he says he is

he's got to play me to prove it!

- Okay, I will, sir. - Good boy.

- Thank you, thank you. - Good boy.

[humming]

[dramatic music]

License to kill gophers

by the government of the United Nations.

Man, free to kill gophers at will.

To kill, you must know your enemy.

In this case, my enemy is a varmint

and a varmint will never quit.

Ever! They're like the Viet Cong. Varmint Cong!

So what you have to do, you got to fall back

on superior firepower..

...and superior intelligence.

And that's all she wrote.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Are you going to eat your fat? - Spaulding.

You're looking lovely this evening, Mrs. Smails.

Oh, why, thank you, darling.

Lacey, you'd be interested

in knowing that this uniform was given to me

by the Captain of the Links of St. Andrews in Scotland.

They invented the game there, you know, except they call it

"gof" without the "L" as we do.

(Lacey) 'I think I have enough butter now'

- Right. If you need any more. - Sure.

[laughing]

So when Mona died last winter, I said to myself

"Al, if you keep busting your hump 16, 20 hours a day

you'll end up with a $60-million funeral, you know?"

[laughs]

Hey, doll, could you scare up

another round for our table over here?

And tell the cook this is low-grade dog food, alright?

And here, take this for yourself, okay?

- Thank you, sir. - Jeez.

I had better food at the ballgame, you know?

I tell you, this steak still has marks

where the jockey was hitting it.

[laughing]

Well, anyway, today I just stick to real estate, you know?

With the market these days, if you own anything but land

you own a popcorn farm!

[laughing]

[farting]

Oh, did somebody step on a duck?

[laughing]

Ain't that right, sir?

The graveyard is two blocks to the left, okay?

Dog food? I'll show him dog food!

[muttering]

Hey, where's the bar? Let's have some drinks here.

See what's going on, for crying out loud.

Hey, waiter, here, this is for you, alright?

Oh! Captain Hook!

How about the grand you owe me, huh?

Forget about it. I'm just kidding, alright?

Oh, this is your wife? Ooh, a lovely lady.

Hey, baby, you're alright.

You must have been something before electricity, huh?

Hey, doll, how are you? You live alone?

Hey, Rabbi, nice seeing you. Folks, how are you?

And this is your grandson, huh? Oh, wonderful boy! Nice boy.

Yeah, he's a good boy, I'll tell you.

Now I know why tigers eat their young, you know?

[music continues]

Whoo! The dance of the living dead!

I know why you came here tonight.

- Why? - That girl.

Listen, I'd put that idea right out of your mind.

She's been plucked more times than the Rose of Tralee.

Biggest whore in Fifth Avenue, I'm told!

Oh!

[squeaking]

Pay no attention to that bush

moving around there by that tree.

It's just a bush. Don't even look twice at it.

Nothing to be alarmed about.

This looks like it could be gravy.

[squeaking]

Alright.

[music continues]

How are you gonna tackle this?

[sniffs]

I smell varmint poontang.

And the only good varmint poontang

'is dead varmint poontang...l think.'

[indistinct chatter]

Ty! Ty! Come here.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey. - Hi. How are you?

Ty, there's someone you must meet.

Al Czervik. Ty Webb.

'Al built our condo in Palm Beach.'

I need a drink. Nice meeting you.

Yeah, see you in a bit, Al.

Heads up, I think someone is giving you the big eye!

(male #2) 'Oh, I remember her from Hobe Sound.'

Hey, Saboo. Can you make a bullshot?

- Can you make a shoe smell? - Very funny.

Why don't you get yourself a real haircut? Here, take this.

- Thanks. - What people here!

Look at that one.

The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it!

So what brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape?

How come you're here?

Daddy wanted to broaden me.

In this place? Good luck!

What do you do for excitement?

Oh, I...play a lot of golf.

Golf?

[chuckles]

Nixon plays golf.

I bet you have a lot of interesting stories

about your ball landing in the road.

- So what do you do? - Oh..

I enjoy...skinny-skiing

going to bullfights on acid.

I'll bet you've got a lot of nice ties.

What do you mean?

You want to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?

- I've got a good idea. - What?

Let's pretend... we're real human beings.

Freeze, gopher!

[gunshot]

[instrumental music]

[retching]

Elihu, who is that disgusting man over there?

I tell you, I never saw dead people smoke before!

A guest of the Scotts.

What do you say we bust up this joint?

[all exclaiming]

You two should get a room, you know?

Hey, Ringo, play something hot, will you?

And you guys, take some more lessons!

[upbeat music]

Hey, Judge, give someone else a chance! You lucky devil!

Come here, honey! Hey, loosen up, will you?

You're a lot of woman, you know that?

Hey, you want to make $14 the hard way?

You! You! You're no gentleman!

I'm no doorknob, either, alright?

I never want to see that man here again!

[giggling]

[coughing]

Wait up, girls. I've got a salami I've got to hide still.

Carl! I told you! Today is the day we, we change the holes!

Go do it now! No more slacking off!

I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner.

I'll fill your bagpipes with Wheatena!

'Whoa.'

Man in a boat overboard.

[chuckles]

You beast! You savage.

Come on, bark like a dog for me.

'Bark like a dog!'

'I will teach you the meaning of the word respect.'

Mr. Webb?

I've just got to win that caddy tournament!

'I owe it to my folks to get that scholarship.'

Why do you want to go to college for, Danny?

I don't know.

Let me tell you a little story.

I once knew a guy who could've been a great golfer.

Could've gone pro, all he needed was a little time

and some practice.

He decided to go to college instead.

He went for four years. Did pretty well.

At the end of his four years

his last semester, he was kicked out.

You know what for?

He was night-putting.

Just putting at night

with the 15-year-old daughter of the Dean.

[chuckles]

You know who that guy was, Danny?

No.

Take one good guess.

Bob Hope.

[chuckles]

No.

No, that guy was Mitch Cumstein..

..my roommate. He's a good guy.

Don't be obsessed with your desires, Danny.

The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote

"A flute with no holes is not a flute.

And a doughnut with no hole is a Danish."

He was a funny guy.

Na-na-na-na-na

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta

Nu-nu-nu-nu-nu

Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta

(Danny) 'You missed just that one.'

In one physical model of the universe

the shortest distance between two points is a straight line..

...in the opposite direction, Danny.

- Unbelievable! - Thank you very little.

[bugle call]

Noonan, D'Annunzio, Mitchell, you're on the tee!

'Kid's a power hitter.'

[audience exclaiming]

[audience applauds]

Nice form. Nice form.

Good luck, sucker.

[indistinct chatter]

- 'Oh, very nice.' - 'Nice.'

[audience applauds]

- Ah, shit! - No, no! Nice shot!

'Right on the beach.'

Okay, Danny, this is for the gold.

You ain't got it today, Noonan.

- Miss it, Noonan. Miss! - Noonan.

- 'Miss it.' - Noonan.

'Miss it, Noonan. Miss! Miss it!'

- 'Miss it. Miss it.' - Noonan.

[screams]

[crowd cheers]

Excellent round, son!

Excellent round. Top-notch. Top-notch.

Say, I'm having a little party at the Yacht Club this Sunday.

I'm christening my new sloop.

What are you doing this Sunday?

- No plans. - Great!

How would you like to mow my lawn, huh?

I figured a college-bound fellow could use a few extra dollars?

And when you're finished

why don't you drop by the Yacht Club? Hmm?

Thank you, sir.

Alright.

- Smile. - 'Alright.'

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you. Maggie, how about we go swimming?

I don't have the swimwear. Besides, I've never swum.

I'll teach you.

Why don't you come on in and help me sort me

holy cards first?

Now...Maggie's pants.

[chuckles]

[Kenny Loggins singing "Mr. Night"]

I read your letter

It said between the lines

You're visitin' Mexico

For an indefinite amount of time

Your love for burritos.. ♪

You got to..

You need this drivin' fool to detomaso the night away

Detomaso a ride away

Hey, Bigfoot, don't trip in the water!

That's it!

What you gotta do

Anymore I ain't askin' you

Go on out and do it tonight

Come on Mr. Night

Now I'm in the driver's seat

Till we reach our destiny

Go on out and do it tonight

You put your suit on!

You shave your ass!

Run under the border guard

And put it over on her Romeo

Your love for senorita I see is none too cool

Here comes this drivin' fool to detomaso the night away

Detomaso a ride away ♪♪

Hi, Maggie. How was it?

How was what?

I guess it couldn't have been that great, then.

Oh, a lot you fucking know, D'Annunzio!

Alright. Stand up.

Alright. Okay.

Oh, she's incredible!

[coughing]

I see those ivory lies in sweet Rosita's eyes

Gonna leave them both behind when we 'tomaso all night

[cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

Hi, mama.

[symphonic music]

[music continues]

Hey, you guys, cool it! Hey! Hey! Cut that out!

I mean it! No!

[clamoring]

[screaming]

- Want some? - Oh, give me some.

- Who asked you? - Come on! I'm asking.

I didn't ask you. Get out of here.

Hey, thanks a lot!

[eerie music]

Stop that, you two! All of you!

I want you out of that pool at once!

Out of the pool, you understand.

I don't want to see another caddy body in this pool!

All of you, stop it now.

Did you understand what I said? Out!

Oh! Lacey!

'Take your hands off her, young man!'

Put your clothes back on, my dear.

Out, I said, out! Didn't you hear me?

Doodie! Doodie!

[screams]

Don't touch it!

[music continues]

Spaulding! No!

Doodie!

You know, uh, if you find anything

that doesn't look like fecal remnents..

I want the entire pool scrubbed, sterilized and disinfected!

There it is!

Oh!

It's no big deal!

Oh!

[crickets chirping]

[gong chiming]

Well, hello! Surprise, surprise, surprise!

- Hi. Are you busy? - No, come on in. Oop, oh..

Go ahead. It's nothing.

I tried calling, but there is no listing for "Mr. Wonderful."

What spelling did you use?

Sorry about this mess. Let me just clean up here.

I'm getting ready for the season.

What, duck?

[chuckles] Oh, no.

Dolphin.

Would you like a drink? Tuna Colada, perhaps?

Anything. Who's your decorator, Benihana?

No, I brought most of that stuff back with me from Vietnam.

You were in the war?

Uh, no.

Homo.

Much better now, though.

Here's an uncashed check for $70,000.

Keep it.

There's a bunch of them! And a summons.

It's yours.

Pretty pathetic, Ty.

Pathetic? Maybe for you, Lacey.

For me, there's a subtle perfection in everything I do.

I have my own standards, my own way.

My uncle says you've got a screw loose.

Oh, yeah. Your uncle molests collies.

And you're rather..

What?

Attractive for a...beautiful girl with a great body.

Well, hey! Oh!

Yeah.

Sing me a love song.

- I'm going to. Umm-hmm. - Yeah?

- This stuff is terrible. - It's good.

You don't know how to do it.

- How do I do it? - I'm going to show you.

[sniffs]

l was born to love you

l was born to lick your face

l was born to rub you

But you were born to rub me first ♪♪

Let's go onto the...patio.

Whoo!

[instrumental music]

You know what this is called in the East?

- 'Hmm, what?' - It's the big rub.

You have very... very small breasts.

'No, I was kidding, come on.'

I'll work my way down.

This is the Isle of Wight.

Careful. I'm going to move right down the Ticonic Parkway.

Over to your clavula...

Will you get serious?

That's a very "in" thing to say.

- It's alright. Don't. - Ow! That hurts!

- You're blocking! - Oh.

You're blocking. Just hold on to your choppers.

I'll just get a little more oil on us.

Uh-oh, now I've done it. You get that way from..

Oh, I'm sorry. It's like reaching under the rug.

You're crazy!

That's what they said about Son of Sam. You know something else?

I'm a very qualified acupuncturist.

- Don't even think about it! - I'm just going to eat these.

But I want you to know about it.

It's like acupressure but it's acupuncture.

The slightest prick and you wouldn't even know--

- I'll kill you! - No, I did not do that.

You see? You feel looser?

- Listen-- - I feel like $100.

[chuckles]

Forget the massage. Okay?

And just kiss me, you fool.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

Slipping.

[instrumental music]

Hey, what kind of shit is this?

It's the best, man. I got it from a Negro.

You're probably so high already you don't even know it.

Oh, really?

Oh, wow!

[laughing]

He looks like Dick Cavett.

[laughing]

Hey, man. Save me a toke!

[beeping]

Got to do my "doctor" thing.

[grunts]

Oh! Wow.

Alright, everybody, it's time to christen the sloop!

Come along, children.

You can shake your booties down on the dock.

Ahoy, polloi. What did you just come from, a Scotch ad?

Eat it, Spaulding!

My, what a nice looking young man.

You're from Bushwood, aren't you?

- Yes, ma'am. - He's not a member, grandma.

He's a caddy!

Judge Smails invited me at the club.

Of course. You're the young man who wants to be in the Senate.

Well, you two look like a couple of boogies.

'Why don't you just scamper along now?'

May I escort you out, ma'am?

Hold on, son. Are you trying to make time with my best girl?

[chuckles]

Danny, I want you to meet Chuck Schick.

He's clerking for me this summer until he passes the bar.

Well, see you on deck, Senator!

[chuckles]

Well, I'm going to law school, too.

Really? Are you going to Harvard?

No. St. Copius of Northern..

Where?

Hey, Cary Grant. You want to get high?

Wait a minute! I've only got a little.

- Then split. Okay, Terry? - Sure.

Bye, Chuck.

Guess I'm a little overdressed, huh?

Depends on what's underneath.

- Ooh. - Come on.

I have a little, a little poem I'd like to read

in honor of this occasion, if I may.

Spaulding, get your foot off the boat!

"It's easy to grin when your ship comes in

"and you've got the stock market beat.

"But the man worthwhile is the man who can smile

when his shorts are too tight in the seat!"

[laughs]

Okay, Pookie, do the honors.

Bless this ship and all who sail on her.

I christen thee "The Flying Wasp."

- This is your fate line. - Mm-hmm.

Looks like you're going to make

a lot of money when you're older.

Oh, yeah? When? How?

Could be in the market or on a game show.

Hmm.

- And this.. - Um-hmm.

- This is your saliva line. - What does it tell?

How hot I can get you.

Well, don't just stand there! Go get some glue!

Hey! My buddy!

Swanson, Full steam ahead! Over there.

I want to go over there!

Move over, Swanson. I'm driving!

[instrumental music]

Hey, Smails. My dinghy is bigger than your whole boat!

It's him.

'Save me a parking place!'

'I'm coming in!'

[music continues]

Heave off! Heave off!

Come back, you idiot! I'll break you down.

[screaming]

I almost got head from Amelia Earhart!

[boat revving]

[music continues]

(Al) 'What is this? Hell's Angels?'

Reverse! Reverse!

[screaming]

[music continues]

[honking]

What the..

What?

Back! No, no!

Which way is backwards?

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Okay. Drop anchor!

[sobbing]

Hey, you scratched my anchor!

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

I just want you to know that, you know, because of this

you don't have to stop seeing other people.

[laughing]

There you go. Let's see.

Oh, you look absolutely..

[moaning]

Ah- ha! You!

Your robe, Your Honor.

[screaming]

I don't believe anybody's home.

Ah!

[glass shatters]

Ah!

No, no, no!

Thanks, thanks a lot!

[grunting]

Are we still having tea?

[Smails groaning]

[door knocking]

[Smails groaning]

Elihu, Would you come and loofah my stretch marks?

[retching]

[gasps]

Ah-ha!

Ah!

[muttering]

[cutlery clattering]

That must be the tea.

[thunder rumbling]

What an incredible Cinderella story!

This unknown comes out of nowhere

to lead the pack.

At Augusta, he's on his final hole.

He's about 455 yards away.

He's going to hit about a two iron, I think.

Well, he got out of that.

The crowd is standing on its feet, here at Augusta.

The normally reserved Augusta crowd

is going wild..

...for this young Cinderella who has come out of nowhere.

He's got about 350 yards left.

He's going to get about a 500, I would expect. Don't you think?

He's got a beautiful back swing.

That's.. Oh! He got out of that one!

He's got to be pleased with that.

The crowd is on its feet here.

He's a Cinderella boy.

Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot.

He's got about 195 yards left, and he's gotta..

...looks like he's got about an eight iron.

This crowd is going deadly silent.

Cinderella story. Out of nowhere.

A former greenskeeper now

about to become the Master's champion.

[grunts]

It looks like a miracle. It's in the hole!

- It's in the hole! - 'Hey, young fella.'

I was hoping to squeeze in nine holes

before this rain starts.

Certainly, Your Eminency.

- Take my bag, huh? - Sure, Y-Your Magnificence.

Okay, come on, chop, chop.

Let's go.

[thunder rumbling]

[instrumental music]

[chuckling]

- You better put this on. - Yeah, thanks.

- That's a great shot, though. - Yeah, great shot.

I can't believe the way you hit the ball, sir.

- You really clobbered it. - Yeah.

We better start moving.

[laughs]

[instrumental music]

[laughs]

Did you see that? Miracle, eh?

Nice shot, Bishop, you must have made a deal with the devil!

You know, I could break

the club record theoretically.

You better come in until this blows over.

[music continues]

So what do you think fellow?

I'd keep playing, I don't think the heavy stuff

is going to come down for quite a while.

You're right.

Anyway, the good Lord would never disrupt

the best game of my life.

[thunder rumbling]

[laughs]

'I'm infallible, young fellow!'

[music continues]

Come on! One more hole!

Oh! Rat farts!

[lightning crackling]

[groaning]

[thunder rumbling]

[birds chirping]

- Danny. - Hmm. Hi, Maggie.

- Ahem! You're here early. - Yeah.

Yeah, I-I kind of slept here last night.

[clears throat]

Oh! Maggie.

I'm in big trouble.

Oh, yeah? Me, too. I'm late!

Late for what?

For not being pregnant!

- Oh, God. - Yeah.

Well, I don't hold you responsible.

It's my problem.

I can handle it.

- Danny! - Oh, Mag.

Maggie. Look, look.

I'm not going to let you go through this alone!

- No. - Whatever you decide.

I'm going to have it! I've already decided!

Well, that's it, then.

We'll just get married.

Oh, God! That's all I need!

No, look, I want to, alright?

No, you don't!

- Yes, I do! - No you don't.

Yes, I do.

Look, I don't want to get married, Danny!

Oh! Come on, Maggie. You're just saying that.

No, I'm not!

Look, Danny.

It might not be yours. Okay?

Maggie..

I know you're just making this up about the other guys

so I won't have to feel guilty.

I'm not making it up!

Alright. Well, I'm still willing to marry you!

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Well, thanks for nothing.

You're a good egg, Noonan. She needs you.

Pick up that Kleenex.

- Good mornin', Lou. - Good mornin, Sir.

The judge would like to see a caddy named Danny Noonan

as soon as he comes in.

I'm Danny Noonan.

Would you come with me, please?

- Judge Smails, sir? - Sit down, Danny.

Danny, I think you know why you're here.

So I'll give us both the courtesy of not reviewing..

...what happened yesterday.

I'm sorry.

My niece is the kind of girl that has a certain..

...zest for living.

The last thing any of us need right now

is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.

I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.

Hah! Good.

Good, good.

'You know, despite what happened, I..'

I'm still convinced that you have very fine qualities

and I..

...I think you can still become a gentleman some day.

If you understand and abide

by the rules of decent society.

Danny, Danny.

There's a lot of, uh..

...well, badness in the world today.

I see it in court every day.

I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber.

I didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them.

The most important decision you can make right now

is what do you stand for Danny.

Goodness..

...or badness.

I know I've made some mistakes in the past.

I'm willing to make up for that.

- I want to be good! - Good!

Good. Very good!

[chuckles]

You know I..

I know how hard it is for young people today

and I want to help.

Why, just ask my grandson, Spaulding.

He and I are regular pals.

Are you my pal?

Mister Scholarship Winner?

Yes, sir! I'm your pal!

[laughs]

How about a Fresca? Huh?

[laughs]

[crickets chirping]

Another Rob Roy, Bishop?

You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink.

Because it's nobody's goddamn business

how many drinks he's had already, right?

Wrong! You're drinking too much, Your Excellency.

Excellency, fiddlesticks!

My name is Fred and I'm just a man, same as you are.

You're not a man. You're a Bishop, for God's sakes!

There is no God.

Oh, Webb, old man, I didn't see your name

on the sign-in sheet for the Club tournament.

I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.

Guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.

[chuckles]

Very good, you know.

Come on, honey. Let's go, huh?

- Hey, boys, how are you? - Hey, how are you?

Hey, we're both starving. When do we eat, huh?

You! You!

You have worn out your welcome, at Bushwood, sir!

Is that so? Who made you Pope of this dump, huh?

Bushwood, a dump?

Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here.

Member? Are you kidding?

You think I'd join this crummy snobatorium?

Why, this whole place sucks!

- Su-su-su-su-su-- - That's right, it sucks.

Only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it!

Buy Bushwood! You!

[grunting]

- You baboon! You.. - Hey, hey, hey, break it out.

- Break it out. - I get no respect from anyone!

Gentlemen, please! What's going on?

He tried to choke me! You saw it.

He-he called me a baboon. Thinks I'm his wife.

I'm calling the police!

Hey, you call the chief of police! I built his condo!

- Out! I want him out of here! - He want's you out.

Another moment in here with this man. I want him out.

[indistinct chattering]

Guys, Judge! Oh, come on, let's be adults here!

Let's not mess the place up. We can handle this is in private.

Let's go to your office, I'll make some drinks for us all.

We'll talk about it. Come on.

Guys like this..

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Danny!

Maggie. Ugh.

Maggie, you flippin' out?

No. I'm happy! I'm not pregnant.

Oh! That's great.

Listen, you were sweet and I'm sorry I was hard on you.

No, I deserved it. I've been acting like a jerk.

I hate myself. I'm gonna get that scholarship.

- That's good, isn't it? - No!

I've been a creep lately and I just can't help it.

- You're not a creep, Noonan. - Yes, I am.

- No, you're not. - Yes, I am.

Alright, well, maybe you are a little bit.

Well..

Listen, Noonan..

you're good deep down

I know you'll do the right thing.

Thank you, Maggie.

(Elihu) 'I demand satisfaction!'

(Al) 'Oh, you want satisfaction.'

Well, I'll tell you what's real satisfying. Cash!

I'll shoot you 18 holes for 10,000 bucks.

[all laughing]

Why, I could, I could beat you with one arm.

How about teams then for $20,000?

You can have Dr. Frankenputz.

- I beg your pardon! - And I'll take Ty, here.

Hey, fellows.

Don't include me in on it. I don't have time.

Come on, will you. You're an ace. Everybody knows it.

I-I don't play golf for-for money

against people.

What are you religious or something?

You might say that. Excuse me.

Ah! Excuse me. Excuse me

- I got it. - Ty.

Can I have a word with you? In private.

Sure thing, Judge.

- Ty. - Judge.

Ty.

Oh.

Ty...your father and I prepped together

we went to war together, we played golf together.

We built this club, he and I!

Let's face it, son.

Some people simply do not belong.

[both laugh]

Let's not cave in too easy, huh?

Hmm?

[both laugh]

Well, what do you say, Ty?

[both laugh]

Let's make it $40,000.

Hey! Great!

You know, Judge..

...my dad never liked you.

I'll see you two tomorrow morning on the golf course!

Hey beautiful, beautiful.

[intense music]

[Carl chuckles]

I have to laugh..

...because I've often asked myself.

'My foe, my enemy, is an animal'

'and in order to conquer him'

I have to think like an animal

and whenever possible..

...to look like one.

I gotta get inside this dude's pelt

and crawl around for a few days.

Who is the gopher's ally, his friend?

'The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.'

I'm going to use you two guys..

...to do my dirty work for me.

[laughing]

Look at it. It's the gopher.

[laughing]

[thud]

[laughing]

[squealing]

Hello? There she is.

There she is. Hey.

[grunts]

This is it! It's a Titleist.

It's a Titleist.

Forty thousand dollars. Forty thousand dollars.

[glass shattering]

Alright, show yourself, you little varmint.

'If you got the guts.'

Son of a bitch. Where did you go?

Oh, hi, Carl. How you doin'?

Oh, hi. Hi.

- Mind if I play through? - Uh, sure. Go right ahead.

What are you getting in a late night or something?

Yeah, I was just loosening up a bit.

Was that, uh, your ball I heard rambling through here?

Yeah. Did you see my ball in here?

- Titleist? - 'That's it!'

- Yeah, it's right here. - Is this your place, Carl?

Yeah, what do you think?

It's really, uh, it's really awful.

Well, I have a lot of things that aren't in order.

You know, credit trouble.

I-I'm an assistant greenskeeper.

They say that doesn't mean anything, you know

until I'm the head greenskeeper.

Can you give me a ruling on this?

Sit down, come on, Make yourself comfortable.

No, I don't wanna stick to anything in here, uh..

Here, take this thing off. This is dirty.

No, don't go to too much trouble, please.

Here, fire up.

- Uh, with my lips? - Yeah.

- I don't think so, Carl. - Go ahead. Just right back.

If I could just borrow a wedge or something

and get right.. if you can open a curtain up out there

somewhere I can get right through that window, I guess.

People say, you know, I'm an idiot or something

because all I do is cut lawns for a living, you know.

Oh, pe-people don't say that about you, as far as you know.

Well, I'm working on it so I don't ever have to, you know

I'm gonna be the head greenskeeper hopefully within

six years, that's my-my schedule.

But I-I am studying a lot of this stuff

so I know it, you know, like, uh..

...you know, chinch bugs, you know..

...manganese. a lot of people don't even know what that is.

- Great, Carl. Could I get a-- - Nitrogen, you know.

'Maybe just open a curtain or somethin' over there'

'and I can just get out of--'

I invented my own kind of grass

too. Did you know that?

Look at this. This is registered.

Carl Spackler Bench.

Oh, yeah, I've-I've-I've felt grass like this before.

- I've played on this stuff. - This is a hybrid.

This is a cross, uh-uh-uh

bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass

uh, featherbed bent

and, uh, northern California sinsemilla.

The amazing stuff about this is..

...that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon..

...take it home and just get stoned to the bejesus belt

'that night on this stuff.'

I've got pounds of this stuff.

- Here. - No, thank you.

No, I don't, I don't, uh..

Let's have a little bit of this.

I got the big Bob Marley joint.

Look at this. Here, try this.

Carl, I, uh, I really don't do this very often.

You're gonna love it. This is dynamite here.

Watch out for this.

Well, maybe one drag then I gotta go.

[coughing]

It's a little harsh. Here, cannonball it.

Cannonball it right back.

And then one more of these right on top of it. Cannonball!

Cannonball coming! Cannonball coming!

[coughing]

Carl.

Could I have a drop? Just a drop, myself.

That's fine for me. That's good.

Can I say something to you, Frank?

Ty, Frank.

You've been acting psychotically

lately. What the hell? Why?

Well, I've been a little under strain.

I gotta play with Smails tomorrow.

- Smails? - In a money match. No!

The thing to do with Smails is

if he bothers you, I'll take care of him.

What you gotta do with Smails is

you cut the hamstring on the back of his leg

right at the bottom, he'll never play golf again.

Because he goes back

his weight displacement goes back and he stays there

all his weight is on his right foot

he'll be pushing everything off to the right.

He'll never come through on anything

he'll quit the game.

That would work, and I'm-I'm gonna call you

if I need that help.

But, seriously, no BS.

You ever wanna rap or anything

you know just talk or, you know

you know get weird with somebody..

...you know, buddies for life, I think.

I'll drop by, you drop by my place any time.

What-What's your address? You're around Briar, right?

- Briar, uh-huh, 2. - You gotta pool over there?

We have a pond in the back. We have a pool and a pond.

A pond would be good for you.

- 'Natural spring.' - Oh, yeah.

Or, you know, the pool or a pond. Anything would be good.

Well, I'll tell you what, I'm going to clean this up.

You go ahead, clean up a little bit.

It looks fine to me.

'Thanks for the dope.'

[machine whirring]

Fore!

Danny, you carry my bag.

[car horn honking]

What the..

Who the..

Get back there! What do you think you're doing?

- Get off of here! - Good mornin', Judge.

This is a golf course. It's not a parking lot!

Now, you back this thing out of here right now!

Okay. Hey, look at that!

Don't play games with me, Ty.

Put that steering wheel over here where it belongs

and get this out of here!

I got it, Judge.

(Al) 'Well, I'm sorry, I'm late'

Let's play golf!

(Al) 'Okay, let's get started.'

Ow! Do it! I didn't do that!

[phone ringing]

Oh, there's my phone!

I'm getting a little tired of this.

Gentlemen, it's about time we--

I told you never to call me on the golf course!

What's that? Then sell, sell, sell!

They're all selling? Then buy, buy, buy!

I'll tell you what, let me have the Coast. any Coast!

- Gentlemen. - What do you want?

Can I use your phone? I just got a call coming..

- Gentlemen - Is it a long distance?

Hey!

Gentlemen, we all know this is illegal

and against club practice.

And I'd like to ask at this time

if you gentlemen all agree to waive

all sanction against said referee

or anything that might get me fired.

- Agreed. - Fine.

The match is for $20,000 each.

Lowest score wins the hole

in regulation match play.

I have a number of tees in my hand.

- Your Honor, odd or even? - Odd!

Odd, it is. Your honor, Your Honor.

Hey, tiger, here. Keep it fair. Keep it fair, will you?

No, I can't accept this.

Driver, please.

Na-na-na-na-na.

Danny.

Don't smile at me a lot, okay?

[instrumental music]

The Judge and Mr. Czervik

have a $100,000 match going on!

- You're kidding. - No, $100,000.

What do you want to do?

- Five, Mr. Czek. - Five, Mr. Czek.

- You got it. - Got it.

[music continues]

Hello? Anybody home?

Uh, hello, Mr. Gopher?

Yeah, it's me, Mr. Squirrel.

Yeah. Hi.

Uh, just a harmless squirrel

not a plastic explosive or anything.

Nothing to be worried about.

I'm just here to make your last hours on earth

as peaceful as possible.

Yes, don't mind this. This is doctor's orders and so forth.

Het, you don't mind if I just pop

in there for a few laughs, huh?

Yeah, that's right.

Or in the words of Jean-Paul Sartre

"Au revoir, gopher."

This is..

...this is gonna to be sweet.

[instrumental music]

Hey.

That kangaroo stole my ball!

Alright!

What's up, doc?

[instrumental music]

(Al) 'I tell you, I don't understand it!'

'I'm playing the worst game of my life!'

Hey! Don't put yourself down, Al.

You're not, uh, you're not, you're not good.

You stink.

Say, fifty bucks the Smails kid picks his nose.

- Okay. - You got it, you got it.

- 'Come on buddy, let's go.' - 'Don't do it.'

- 'Here he goes.' - 'Here he comes.'

Alright, kid, take your time.

- Now, don't do it. - 'Come on, come on, yeah.'

[indistinct chattering]

I bet fifty bucks more says he eats it.

You're on.

- He eats. - You're on.

Now, don't do it, kid. Don't, don't, don't.

- 'Don't do it. Don't do it.' - Come on, you..

- There he goes. - No, no, no, no. Yeah!

- Yeah! - What a pig!

[indistinct chattering]

- Man, that kid'll eat anything! - He was hungry.

What do you say, Al?

[laughs]

Shall we press on?

Hey, Judge, cheer up, will you?

My boat needs exactly $20,000 worth of repairs.

Yeah, and so does your brain! You wanna double it?

Fine! Forty thousand apiece!

- Alright! You've got it! - Alright.

Forty thousand. Forty thousand.

- You got it. - Alright.

Hold on, Judge! I mean..

Oh, that-that's my office. I better get going.

Oh, no, you don't.

You're in for half of eighty thousand.

Probably just a routine emergency.

[dramatic music]

Why did I double it?

I tell you, I should have stayed home and played with myself.

Ty. I saw Smails before. He was cheating.

Nobody likes a tattletale, Danny..

...except, of course, me.

'Oh.'

Oh, my arm! It's broken!

Good Lord. What has this buffoon done now?

Let's have a look at that.

Well, that might be a fractured ulna.

Uh, I'm afraid you forfeit.

Who says so? The match is a draw!

No, you don't Czervik.

You don't play, you lose. Right, Lou?

That's right, Your Honor, unless you allow him a substitute.

Huh? Oh, well, uh, uh, Spaulding can play out his holes.

Uh, actually, Judge, I think it's, uh, up to us

to pick our substitute.

So, who do you want?

Sonja Henie is out.

We'll take Danny Noonan.

Oh, Danny is an employee of the club.

He can't work and play

particularly in something as illegal as this!

Makes a lot of sense, Judge.

Hey, kid.

If you win, I'll make it worth your while.

Well?

I'll play.

You don't want that scholarship, do you?

I guess I don't.

I guess you don't! I guess you don't!

[instrumental music]

[all gasping]

Uh, don't worry, it's, it's good luck.

In Haiti!

[instrumental music]

You've got to win this hole.

I kind of thought winning wasn't important.

Me winning isn't! You do!

Great grammar.

Danny.

See your future. Be your future.

Make, make, make it. Make it.

Make your future, Danny. I'm, I'm a veg, Danny.

Give me this. Take it easy, will you, Ty?

[music continues]

Hey, Mr. Gopher?

Gentlemen, this match is all even.

Final hole. Doctor, you are away.

(all) Oh.

[clapping]

Spaulding, this calls for the old Billy Baroo.

Ohh.

Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy.

Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy.

This is a biggy.

'Don't let me down, Billy.'

Forty thousand dollars, Billy.

[all cheering]

'I knew you'd do it!'

[laughing]

[indistinct chattering]

(all) Oh.

Silver wings

Upon their chest

These are men

America's best ♪♪

[mild applause]

Don't worry about this one.

If you miss it, we lose.

Hey, Judge. Double or nothing he makes it.

- Eighty thousand. - What?

Alright.

What's that, Judge?

You're on! You're on!

[indistinct chattering]

Well...we're waiting.

[instrumental music]

Noonan...you can do it.

[all gasping]

(male #3) 'You lose it, buddy!'

[laughing]

We did it! We did it!

Fore!

[explosions]

[instrumental music]

[screaming]

It's a birdie!

[music continues]

[all cheering]

Alright, Smails, that's 80 grand. Now fork it over.

I'll give you nothing.

Absolutely, you understand. Nothing!

And I figured as much. Hey, Moose. Rocco.

Help the judge find his checkbook, will you?

Oh.. Well, I, uh... Oh, I will.

Hey, everybody! We're all gonna get laid!

[all cheering]

[instrumental music]

[coughs]

I'm alright

Don't nobody worry 'bout me

You got to gimme a fight

Why don't you just let me be

Do what you like

Doing it nat'rally

But if it's too easy

They're gonna disagree

It's your life

And isn't it a mystery

If it's nobody's bus'ness

It's everybody's game

Gotta catch you later

No no cannonball it right away

Some Cinderella kid

Get it up and get you a job

I'm alright

Nobody worry 'bout me

Why you got to gimme a fight

Can't you just let it be

I'm alright

I'm alright

Don't nobody worry 'bout me

You got to gimme a fight

Why don't you just let me be

Who do you want

Who you gonna be today

And who is it really

Makin' up your mind

Makin' up your mind

You wanna listen to the man

Pay attention to the magistrate

And while I got you in the mood

Listen to your

Own heart beatin' ♪

Own heart beatin' ♪

Own heart beatin' ♪

Own heart beatin' ♪

Don't it get you movin' ♪

M-m-man

It makes me feel good

Wow Cinderella kid

Then give it up and give it the job

I'm

I'm alright

I'm alright

Nobody worry 'bout me

Why you got to gimme a fight

Can't you just let it be

I'm alright

Don't nobody worry 'bout me

Don't nobody worry 'bout

You got to gimme a fight

Why don't you just let me be

I'm alright

I'm alright

Nobody worry 'bout me

Why you got to gimme a fight

Can't you just let it be

I'm alright

I'm alright

I'm alright

I'm alright

I'm alright

Just let me be

I'm alright

I'm alright

I'm alright

Just let me be

Everybody let me be ♪♪

The Description of Caddyshack