WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LOVELY GREETING.
TODAY IS, OF COURSE, THE NATIONAL DAY OF PRAYER.
SEEMS LIKE IT COMES EARLIER EVERY YEAR.
I SAW A CHURCH THAT HAD ITS PRAYER DECORATIONS UP, LIKE, TWO
MONTHS AGO.
THIS MORNING, TRUMP ATTENDED A PRAYER BREAKFAST WHERE HE QUOTED
CHRIST'S PARABLE ON THE MUELLER WITCH HUNT.
>> PEOPLE SAY, "HOW DO YOU GET THROUGH THAT WHOLE STUFF?
HOW DO YOU GO THROUGH THOSE WITCH HUNTS AND EVERYTHING
ELSE?" AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO, MIKE?
WE JUST DO IT, RIGHT?
AND WE THINK ABOUT GOD.
>> STEPHEN: ( AS TRUMP ) "YES, WE JUST DO IT, AND AS I
REMEMBER WHERE I AM NOW, I THINK ABOUT GOD.
THE LITTLE PINK BUNNY WITH THE BIG BASS DRUM.
COOL SUNGLASSES.
HE JUST KEEPS GOING.
GOD."
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP TOUCHED ON THIS COUNTRY'S
NUMBER ONE SPIRITUAL CONCERN: MALL SIGNAGE.
>> WHEN I FIRST STARTED CAMPAIGNING, PEOPLE WERE NOT
ALLOWED, OR, IN SOME CASES, FOOLISHLY ASHAMED TO BE USING ON
STORES, "MERRY CHRISTMAS," "HAPPY CHRISTMAS."
THEY WOULD SAY "HAPPY HOLIDAYS."
THEY WOULD HAVE RED WALLS, AND YOU WOULD NEVER SEE CHRISTMAS.
THAT WAS FOUR YEARS AGO.
TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR STORES NOWADAYS.
IT IS ALL "MERRY CHRISTMAS" AGAIN.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS," AGAIN!
THEY ARE PROUD OF IT.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YES, IT'S TRUE, GO
TO ANY MALL IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW AND IT IS CHRISTMAS.
WE'RE PROUDLY GETTING READY FOR OUR YULE-TIME COOKOUTS, OUR NOEL
FIREWORKS SHOWS, OUR NATIVITY POOL PARTIES, KIDS SELLING
MULLED LEMONADE.
CHRISTMAS!
THEN, THE PRESIDENT QUOTED FROM THE BIBLE.
>> AND AS GOD PROMISES IN THE BIBLE, THOSE WHO HOPE IN THE
LORD WILL RENEW THEIR STRENGTH.
THEY WILL SOAR ON THE WINGS LIKE EAGLES.
THEY WILL RUN AND NOT GROW WEARY.
AND THEY WILL WALK AND NOT BE FAINT.
AND THAT'S SOMETHING THAT MIKE AND I THINK ABOUT ALL THE TIME,
RIGHT, MIKE?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HE HAS NEVER READ
ONE WORD OF THE BIBLE BEFORE.
LET'S GO PAST THIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) AND,
LO, THE GOOD SAMARATIN -- AND THEN A GUY NAMED JESUS DID
SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT MY
HEAD IS STILL SPINNING FROM YESTERDAY'S SENATE TESTIMONY OF
ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM BARR, SEEN HERE THRILLING ATTENDEES
WITH HIS ONE MAN "FIDDLER ON THE ROOF."
( SINGING ) "OBSTRUCTION, OBSTRUCTION!"
BARR'S PERFORMANCE ANGERED A LOT OF DEMOCRATS, ESPECIALLY
CALIFORNIA SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS.
>> I THINK HE SHOULD RESIGN.
I THINK HE SHOULD RESIGN.
I THINK HE SHOULD RESIGN.
>> STEPHEN: KAMALA HARRIS BELIEVES IN THE OLD URBAN
LEGEND THAT IF YOU SAY "I THINK HE SHOULD RESIGN" THREE TIMES,
BILL BARR APPEARS IN YOUR MIRROR AND DOES NOT RESIGN.
DEMOCRATS ARE ESPECIALLY UPSET THAT BARR LIED TO CONGRESS.
SPECIFICALLY, WE NOW KNOW THAT BOB MUELLER SENT A LETTER TO
BARR COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS SUMMARY OF MUELLER'S REPORT ON
MARCH 27, BUT, TWO WEEKS LATER, ON APRIL 10, BARR SAID THIS IN
SWORN TESTIMONY: >> DID BOB MUELLER SUPPORT YOUR
CONCLUSION?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHETHER BOB MUELLER SUPPORTED MY CONCLUSION.
>> STEPHEN: THAT SEEMS CONTRADICTORY, BUT I THINK I
KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE: HE'S LYING.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI
IS NOT PLEASED.
>> WHAT IS DEADLY SERIOUS ABOUT IT IS THE ATTORNEY GENERAL OF
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS NOT TELLING THE TRUTH TO THE
CONGRESS OF THE UNITED STATES.
THAT'S A CRIME.
>> STEPHEN: YES, WHEN THE ATTORNEY GENERAL LIES TO
CONGRESS, IT'S A CRIME.
WHEN THE PRESIDENT DOES IT, IT'S THE STATE OF THE UNION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND SHE DROVE THE POINT HOME.
>> HE LIED TO CONGRESS.
HE LIED TO CONGRESS.
IF ANYBODY ELSE DID THAT, IT WOULD BE CONSIDERED A CRIME.
NOBODY IS ABOVE THE LAW, NOT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
AND NOT THE ATTORNEY GENERAL.
BEING ATTORNEY GENERAL DOES NOT GIVE YOU A BATH TO GO SAY
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
>> STEPHEN: NO, BEING ATTORNEY GENERAL DOES NOT GIVE WILLIAM
BARR A BATH.
( LAUGHTER ) AND EVEN IF IT DID, PLEASE MAKE
SURE IT'S A CLOSED SESSION.
ANYWAY, BARR LIED TO THE SENATE, AND
TODAY, HE WAS SCHEDULED TO LIE TO THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES,
BUT HE DIDN'T SHOW UP.
THAT DIDN'T STOP HOUSE DEMOCRATS, WHO HELD THE HEARING
ANYWAY AND GRILLED AN EMPTY CHAIR.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, HERE'S THE THING: BILL BARR
USED TO BE A RESPECTED, HIGHLY TRAINED LAWYER.
WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?
WELL, THERE IS A THEORY OUT THERE IN A NEW OP-ED FROM FORMER
F.B.I. DIRECTOR AND "MAN WHO CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SHOWED UP TO
TESTIFY IN 'THAT' SUIT," JAMES COMEY.
COMEY SAYS THAT, ONCE YOU SIGN ON TO WORK FOR TRUMP, IT'S
EXTRAORDINARILY DIFFICULT TO KEEP YOUR INTEGRITY.
"IT STARTS WITH YOUR SITTING SILENT WHILE HE LIES, BOTH IN
PUBLIC AND PRIVATE, MAKING YOU COMPLICIT BY YOUR SILENCE."
AND IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING, EVENTUALLY, "MR. TRUMP EATS YOUR
SOUL IN SMALL BITES."
JUST SMALL BITES.
SMALL BITES.
IT'S LIKE TAPAS.
( AS TRUMP ) "LET'S GET A PLATE OF THE
GRILLED OCTOPUS AND BILL BARR'S MORAL COMPASS.
( LAUGHTER ) TASTES LIKE CHICKEN.
I MEAN, COWARD."
( LAUGHTER ) COMEY WRITES THAT THE ONLY WAY
TO GET NEAR THIS ADMINISTRATION AND AVOID YOUR SOUL BEING EATEN
IS TO BE LIKE JAMES MATTIS, THE FORMER SECRETARY OF DEFENSE WHO
"RESIGNED OVER PRINCIPLE."
UNLIKE COMEY, WHO-- GOT TO POINT OUT-- DID NOT RESIGN.
HE WAS FIRED.
EVIDENTLY, TRUMP DIDN'T WANT TO EAT HIS SOUL.
I'M GUESSING IT'S A VEGETABLE.
( LAUGHTER ) COMEY EXPLAINS THAT SILENTLY
AGREEING WITH TRUMP IN PRIVATE LEADS TO "PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF
PERSONAL FEALTY" WHERE YOU "USE HIS LANGUAGE, PRAISE HIS
LEADERSHIP AND TOUT HIS COMMITMENT TO VALUES.
AND THEN YOU ARE LOST.
HE HAS EATEN YOUR SOUL."
AND THEN, ALONG WITH SEVERAL DIET COKE-SOAKED CHEESEBURGERS,
YOUR SOUL MAKES THE JOURNEY THROUGH TRUMP'S DIGESTIVE TRACT,
AND IS EVENTUALLY EXCRETED AT -- AND THEN YOU'RE STEPHEN
MILLER.
( APPLAUSE ) TRUE STORY.
TRUE STORY.
