-Welcome to "Late Night"!
How's everybody doin' tonight?
I've started teaching myself the banjo
and my wife has started teaching herself
So, let's get to the news.
Former Vice President Joe Biden
criticized President Trump yesterday
for promoting unproven coronavirus treatments,
like ingesting disinfectants
and taking an antimalarial drug and said,
"What in God's name is he doin'?"
[ Laughing ] Where -- Where have you been, Joe?
Joe Biden's like your friend who wants to watch
your favorite TV show with ya, but didn't see the first season.
[ Changes accent ] What?! He's makin' meth?
I thought this fellow was a high school teacher!
Did he break bad?
Former Vice President Joe Biden
held a virtual campaign event on Monday
with the Asian American and Pacific Islanders Victory Fund
and said that he has nicknamed President Trump
because of his affinity for sending tweets.
So we take you live now
to President Trump's resignation speech.
What's that? Oh, he's not resigning? Why?
Oh, 'cause it's a super lame nickname
and Melania calls him worse things in her sleep?
Oh, and I can't go live because I filmed this
on an iPad five hours ago?
How's the future, by the way?
Is anything any better? Ohhh.
Little bit worse? Okay.
Well, see ya soon.
President Trump said yesterday he's taken
an unproven antimalarial drug
as a "additional level of safety."
Safety? You haven't worn a mask
or practiced social distancing at all.
You've been the least safe person this entire pandemic.
I wouldn't be surprised if you gave your next press conference
in the middle of a crowded bar, holdin' a cobra.
During a Cabinet meeting yesterday,
President Trump said he would wear a mask
when he visits a Ford factory on Thursday.
But he's gonna be a big baby about it.
[ As Trump ] You said wear a mask, so,
this is on you guys.
Loosen up those mask rules, maybe.
President Trump today accused officials in Michigan
of illegally sending out
almost 8 million absentee ballots
and claimed he would withhold funding from the state
if they, "wanna go down this voter fraud path."
Yeah, you'd hate for us to get rid of our foolproof system
of showin' up to an abandoned library,
where a octogenarian looks for your name in a big binder,
can't find it, then finally says --
[ Creakily, Southern accent ] I don't know.
Just go ahead.
Then you step into a portable shower
and try to decipher "The Da Vinci Code"
on how to vote for your preferred candidate.
"To vote for the comptroller who you don't not want to win,
don't check off the box next to the other candidate's name."
By all means, let's just,
you know, keep that sacred process intact.
President Trump's campaign is planning
on holding virtual events by the end of the month.
Yeah, good luck gettin' these guys to figure out Zoom.
Nothin' says, "I still have an AOL email"
more than that hat.
If you're gonna hold a virtual reality for these folks,
it better be on CBS.
Scientists in Hong Kong recently tested
the effectiveness of face masks
against the spread of the coronavirus
by putting masks on hamsters.
Said the hamsters, "Fine,
but I'm not gonna wear it when I'm jogging.
That's where I draw the line
with my tiny claws in my hamster dirt."
According to the latest numbers,
[ Raising voice ] more than five million people, on average,
watched ESPN's docuseries about Michael Jordan.
And, if you didn't watch it,
Jordan's gonna come to your house
and score 55 points on you.
"You know, it was personal from that point on.
It was personal."
And, finally, home goods retailer Pier 1 --
this one's a real good -- this finally goes --
this is a real, real, real strong closer.
Home goods retailer Pier 1 ear --
I'm so excited, I called it Pier 1 Earports.
And finally -- Which it's not called.
And, finally, home goods retailer Pier 1 Imports
has asked a bankruptcy court for the permission to liquidate
and permanently close its doors.
It's strange how some companies
got stronger during the lockdown,
but some only got wicker. ["weaker"]
Alex Baze wrote that joke.
I don't think he would've written it,
if he had to look me in the eyes, but,
he just got to email it, and so, that's
why we ended up with that joke.
I don't know.
Let's try to always remember it. That was the monologue.