- Now do you guys know what a debutante is?
Well it's defined as
an upper class young woman
making her first appearance in fashionable society.
Now I don't know what describes me better than that.
I spent the entire summer
after my senior year of high school
having to learn how to become a lady.
At the time I was working at the recreation department
as a maintenance worker.
I was lining softball fields
and picking up trash in parks, you know,
like a lady.
Then I would leave my job all sweaty and gross
and I had to go to etiquette classes
where they taught me how to use forks,
or how to use a napkin.
I know you're all just assuming
you pick up a napkin and wipe your face.
No, you're all savages!
- [Audience Member] Yep!
- You have to daintily grab your napkin,
and then you just dab the corners of your mouth.
I just spent my summer just
dabbing the corners of my mouth like this,
and just envisioning the rest of my life as a handmaid.
I had to then learn how to talk like a lady.
Apparently, you cannot just go up to potential suitors
to go, "What's up, Mark!"
They don't like that.
I had to dress like a lady,
because at the end of this
was a debutante ball
where all of us had to wear a giant white wedding gown.
Yes, I had to wear a giant white wedding gown
while my brother, in a tuxedo,
walked me down the aisle
and then I had to curtsy to him.
It looked and felt like I was marrying my brother.
Which is just a little too on the nose for North Carolina.
You know what I mean, you know what I mean?