When President Trump
started running for president 400 years ago,
he had a lot of goals.
Build the wall,
have sex with that alien they keep in Area 51,
and, of course, bring peace to the Middle East.
Trump himself said he considered that the ultimate deal.
But the big question has been
can a businessman so brilliant
that he almost turned a profit on a casino
pull off that ultimate deal?
Well, yesterday, Trump finally revealed his plan,
and the answer seems to be, "Uh, no."
President Trump and Israeli Prime Minister
Benjamin Netanyahu appeared together in the White House
to unveil a plan for Middle East peace,
but it's already been rejected by the Palestinians.
REPORTER: Make no mistake about it.
This plan is everything Israel wants,
especially Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
REPORTER 2: Mr. Trump sold his plan as the best bet
for compromise to the 70-plus-year conflict.
My vision presents a win-win opportunity for both sides.
But the proposal, crafted by President Trump's son-in-law,
Jared Kushner, was considered dead on arrival,
since it was written without the Palestinians.
Okay, hold up, hold up.
Trump crafted a peace plan between Israel
and the Palestinians without the Palestinians?
I mean, right off the bat,
that doesn't seem like a great strategy.
You know? It's like writing wedding vows for yourself
and your fiancée.
"You, Janet, take me, Joe, forever and ever."
"My name's not Janet." "Okay, I-I worked on these vows.
Would you please just give me a moment here?"
And, look, it's no secret, it's no secret
that no president has figured out how to broker peace
between Israel and the Palestinians.
But Trump said that this time would be different,
because he said, this time,
the plan was created by Jared Kushner,
senior presidential advisor and participation trophy husband.
And according to Jared,
it's the greatest deal of all time.
What we saw yesterday was Israel take a giant step towards peace,
and it was an accomplishment that only President Trump
could have delivered on.
If you look at the original proposal,
the Arab Peace Initiative. that was an eight-line proposal.
It was a good-faith proposal.
Past proposals have been two to three pages.
This is an over-80-page proposal with a map.
-Never been done before. -Yeah, that's right.
This plan has the one thing all previous plans lacked,
lots of paper. Yeah.
Kushner is like, "Uh, I spent two hours at Kinko's,
so, yeah, it's a good plan."
And just because you draw a picture of something you want
doesn't mean you're gonna get it.
He's like, "We've got a map."
It doesn't mean you're gonna get that map.
I once drew a picture of myself riding a horse.
Did I get a horse? No.
I got a monkey. All right?
Yeah. Good news, you can actually ride a monkey.
Yeah. They don't like it, but you can do it.
So, okay, maybe the plan itself got off to a rough start.
But who knows? Maybe if Jared turns on
that Netflix stalker charm,
he can woo the Palestinians into an agreement.
The Palestinian leadership have to ask themselves a question.
Do they want to have a state?
Do they want to have a better life?
If they do, we have created a framework for them to have it,
and we're gonna treat 'em in a very respectful manner.
If they don't, then they're gonna screw up
another opportunity, like they've screwed up
every other opportunity that they've ever had
in their existence.
We're gonna treat them with all the respect?
Was that respect? That's a pretty harsh way
to try and win someone over.
Jared would be the worst car salesman ever.
Just like, "Listen, loser, I want to get you in this car,
"which you're probably gonna crash the moment
"you get off the lot because you mess up everything you do
"in life, because you suck as a human being.
"So, should I get that paperwork?
It's 80 pages long."
So, the question is, what does this new peace deal mean
for the conflict in the Middle East?
Well, we turn now to a man who's no stranger to conflict,
Roy Wood Jr., everybody!
(cheering and applause)
Thank you, Trevor.
-Uh, let's get down to business. -O-Okay.
-Here's the... -H-Hold up, Roy.
What on earth are you wearing?
Oh, this is a traditional American garment.
-It's called a suit. -No. No, Roy,
I'm talking about the-the MAGA hats stacked on your head.
Oh. Man, let me explain.
Trevor, if there's anything this peace plan has shown me,
it's that, if you flatter Trump,
he'll give you what you want.
That's why Israel got such a good deal,
'cause nobody flatters Trump more
than Israel's prime minister.
He calls Trump the best president of all time.
He puts pictures of the man up all over Jerusalem.
And, and-- this is real--
he named a city after Trump.
"Heights." Sounds classy,
like you got coffee shops that let you bring your dog inside.
Okay, but-but what does this have to do
with you wearing MAGA hats?
Well, Trevor, I've learned something
from Israel's prime minister.
If you want Trump to do something for you,
you have to suck up to him
and then he'll give you whatever you want.
I'm trying to get a small business loan.
Here's my idea. Check this out.
Small business loan. This is my idea.
half operating room.
People are already asleep during surgery.
You might as well get a fade.
Roy, you are not a surgeon and you are not a barber.
Yeah, and you are a hater.
All I'm saying is that,
even if the Palestinians don't like Trump,
they need to start playing the game.
If Israel puts Trump's name on a city,
the Palestinians should put Trump's name
on their whole country.
Just title it like-like--
Do it like a Tyler Perry movie.
"Donald Trump presents the Palestine."
Or, or maybe even change the flag.
Just-just make your flag a picture of Donald Trump
with a six-back of abs and that "V" thing.
You know, the "V." The thing.
When you-- when you drink a lot of smoothies,
-you get the "V" thing. -Yeah...
Yeah, but-but, Roy,
if the Palestinians start praising Trump,
won't Israel just praise Trump even harder?
And then the Palestinians praise Trump even harder than that.
Yeah, but then Israel will just praise Trump
-even harder than that. -And then the Palestinians
will praise Trump even harder than that!
Roy, all that's gonna happen is both countries
will just be filled with people wearing MAGA hats,
praising Donald Trump 24/7.
And then everyone will be on the same page,
and that's when we'll have peace in the Middle East.
Hang-hang on. Hang on a second. I got a call.
Jimmy, what's up?
You still want that hip replacement and cornrows?
All right, I can get you in later today.
-I got to run, hater. -Man, you-you're a waste of time.
Roy Wood Jr., everybody.