- Hey, gang.
What's going on, everyone?
Haven't been here in a second.
How we all doing?
This is Craig's birthday video, right,
in accounting?
- [Kyle] Uh, no, no, this is a promo shoot for Oreos,
for the product that we make.
- Oh.
Okay, yeah, of course.
Hey, gang, my name is Carl Box,
and I'm the proud CEO of Oreos, milk's favorite cookie.
We want you, our loyal customers,
to know that here at Oreos,
we don't take our position for granted
and we will never rest on our laurels.
That's why we've been hard at work
innovating brand, new ways
to enjoy your favorite cookie,
from Minis, to Double Stuf,
and all of your favorite flavor varietals,
like Golden, Mint, and Halloween. (laughs)
Yeah, ah, sorry, gang, can we stop here,
can we pause down for a second?
- [Kyle] Oh, yeah, sure.
What's up?
- Sorry, okay, number one, just like,
we can agree that Halloween is not a flavor, right?
And kinda to zoom out for a second,
we should absolutely be resting on our laurels, right?
- [Kyle] Excuse me?
- I'm not gonna narc on you guys.
Just keep cashing the checks.
You don't have to come into work.
It's Oreos, we work at a money factory.
Like, go home.
- [Kyle] Can we hold?
Can we hold real quick?
- Yeah, let's go to, let's go home, let's stop.
Yeah, what's up.
- [Kyle] A lot of people have worked really hard.
- Why?
We could just make Oreos.
- [Man On Left] We are just making Oreos.
- No, we're making crazy bullshit.
Kyle, please run me through the new,
approved Oreo varietals.
- [Kyle] Okay.
Well, you got your Double Stuff Oreo.
- Cool.
- [Kyle] Your Football Oreo, which is football-shaped.
Your Big Stuf Oreo, which is even more--
- How is Big Stuf different from Double Stuf?
- [Kyle] It's bigger.
- (stammers) Oh, fuck.
After the smash success of our Birthday Cake Oreos,
we got to thinking of all the other special events
that could use the world's greatest sandwich cookies,
from Wedding Cake Oreos to Graduation Oreos,
Retirement Oreos, to Bereavement Oreos for funerals.
Nope.
Hey, gang, no.
We're not doing that.
- [Kyle] People love it.
- What do you mean people love Bereavement Oreos?
- [Kyle] Focus groups love the taste of them.
- Yeah, Kyle, they taste like Oreos.
- [Kyle] Should I go on?
- Yes.
- [Kyle] Strawberry Milkshake Oreo,
Strawberry Oreo.
It's different from Strawberry Milkshake Oreo.
- You need to be able to explain
what the difference between Strawberry Milkshake Oreo
and Strawberry Oreo is
or I'm going to burn the building down.
- [Kyle] So, the milkshake, it has more of like,
a milkshake taste.
- Milkshake's not a taste.
- [Kyle] It is a consistency.
- It has the consistency of a milkshake, this cookie?
- [Kyle] No, it has the consistency of a--
- Of an Oreo, right?
- [Kyle] Yeah.
(yells)
- Our 4th of July Oreos were such a smash hit,
we had to introduce our Civic Holidays line.
Make sure to try our Smokey Barbecue Labor Day Oreos,
our Caramel Memorial Day Oreos,
oh, it's a mouthful,
and our Green Tea Arbor Day Oreos,
now with real wood.
(upbeat guitar music)
- [Kyle] What?
- I need you to be able to tell me
what's wrong with this
without me explaining it verbally.
Keep going.
- [Kyle] Okay, Gluten Free.
Hey, everybody wins there.
Android Oreo, Android, like the phone.
Chocolate Oreo, that's easy.
- They're already chocolate!
I get it.
You're losing your mind.
We made the perfect cookie
a hundred years ago.
And now there's no work left to do.
I'm telling you, we did it.
We won, go home, be with your families,
raise your children.
Stop making
new Oreos.
Honest question for the marketing department,
and I really, sincerely mean this.
Does anybody here sincerely believe
there is someone out there who hasn't heard of Oreos?
Do me one better.
Do you believe there is someone out there
who hasn't already had an Oreo?
- [Kyle] No.
- Then what are we do?
Uh-oh, what's this?
It's the new Bizzaro line from Oreos,
putting the fun back into functionally the same cookie.
With the new inside out Oreo,
you got cream on the outside
with crunchy cookie in the middle.
With the Oops All Letters Oreo,
you've got a package of just the part of the cookie
that says Oreo on it.
And with the Dodecatuple Stuf Oreo,
(upbeat guitar music)
enough.
Enough, enough.
The madness stops here.
Do you see that there is nowhere else to go?
And Alexander wept,
for there were no more worlds to conquer.
We done did the good cookie
that everybody like, and now we get to go home.
- [Kyle] Can you at least just look
at these billboard and bus stop samples?
- What do we need a billboard for?
What do we need a billboard for?
You know where our billboard is?
Every cookie aisle in the world.
I've never been to a grocery store
and not seen half the cookie aisle
choked with a sinful glut
of bullshit Oreos.
You have a poison in your mind
and the fact that you can't see it
makes me so sad.
- [Kyle] We work really hard.
- Don't.
- [Kyle] Oreo Soft Cookies.
They're softer, they don't have as crispy
of an outside.
Oreo Thins,
they're also quite crispy.
Cinnabon Oreos,
Cinnamon Latte Oreos.
- You are a babbling fool
and we have built a temple to madness.
- [Kyle] Filled Cupcake Oreos,
Just Muffin Oreo.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- Hello?
Craig, what's up?
Guys, it's Craig.
Happy birthday, (laughs) my guy!
What's up?
Yeah, I'm in the office right now.
Oh, man, it's great to hear your voice.
You taking it easy?
No, you're working 80 hours a week?
That's too much, Craig.
Bluetooth.
(cookie crunching)
It tastes exactly like an Oreo,
cause it is one.
