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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Duckling: Part 1

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Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie you're gonna cry

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie you're gonna die ♪♪

I heard that ducks have one hole.

I don't know if you know that, but ducks have one hole,

and they pee out of it

and they shit out of it,

they get ( blank ) in it

and they lay eggs out of it.

That...

has got to be one smelly, dirty hole.

That hole has got to be a pretty awful place.

I feel a little bad for the man duck,

because ducks are monogamous.

I don't know if you know that,

but ducks stay in their relationships forever

and by the time that duck gets to be 48,

her husband must be like,

"Dude...

"... that shit sucks.

I hate it."

And then he goes and ( blank ) a swan or something.

His wife's like, "Why do you have to fuck a swan for ?"

She's got an asshole, that's why.

She's got an asshole.

Okay ?

I got a green head.

( audience laughing )

I don't know what that means, just somehow...

They got green heads, they deserve more.

Speaking of animal-type humor that's not totally finished,

uh, I...

... I actually, I have this "joke-joke,"

like a, you know,

"animals talking to each other" type joke,

that I don't know how to finish it.

I know what's funny about it,

but I don't know how to finish it.

What-- Basically, it's about a lion

who goes up to the giraffe

and he says, "Hey, man, did you see that dude ?"

And the giraffe's like, "What dude ?"

And he goes, "He's that dude,

"he lives by the river in a hut."

And the giraffe goes, "What does he look like ?"

And the lion goes, "He looks like this,

'Ahhh !'"

And the giraffe's like, "Well, I know a dude

that lives by the river, but he doesn't look like that."

He goes, "No, that's what he looks like, 'Ahhh !'"

The giraffe says, "I know a guy, but he looks like this."

See, the lion just thinks that people look like that.

The lion doesn't get that he makes

a person look like that...

by scaring the shit out of them.

He just thinks that,

"Hey, that's that dude that's always going, 'Ahhh !'"

That's what he's like.

He doesn't see his own part of...

Hello, Daddy.

Hey, baby, how you doing ?

Hi.

Hi.

You need to take home the ducklings tonight.

Take what ?

We're raising ducklings

and they can't stay in the school,

so you gotta take 'em.

Yay, can we--

No, no, wait, wait, wait, no, no, this is not--

Why me, why am I doing this ?

Every family took a turn, it's your turn.

Yeah, but I-- I'm going to--

I'm going to Afghanistan.

It's your turn to take the ducklings.

We can put them in a bathtub.

Yeah, but listen, I have tomorrow morning--

And they can sleep in my bed !

Excuse me, Jane, baby.

Tomorrow morning, I have-- I'm starting a USO tour,

do you understand ?

I'm going all over the Middle East.

I'm going to Iraq and Afghanistan and Kuwait.

Are you dropping Jane here tomorrow morning ?

Yes, I am.

Well, so take 'em and bring 'em back tomorrow.

Yay !

Yes !

Yes !

Yay !

Yes !

Yeah.

We can put them in the bathtub !

Yeah, whatever.

We gotta give 'em a bath !

All right, come on.

Yeah, they can sleep in my bed.

Look how...

Oh !

Don't let 'em go--

Yay !

( Louie ) don't let 'em go--

Don't let 'em go under there, please.

Jane.

( girls giggling )

No, I wanna keep this one...

( Lilly ) Look at them, they're--

Careful, you're gonna step on them.

Okay, okay, please.

No, I won't.

Please, Lilly, put that one down, put...

Wait.

Thank you for letting them come home with us.

( Jane ) Ew, I got poop !

All right, I'm glad--

All right, girls.

Good night.

Daddy ?

Yeah.

Can we keep the ducklings ?

No, we're not doing that.

Can we keep just one ?

No.

Just one !

No.

Daddy, can we keep just one duckling ?

Are you really going to a war tomorrow ?

I'm going to where there is a war,

but I'm just there to-- to make some soldiers laugh.

I'm just gonna do shows and it's safe.

Are you sure ?

They've never let any performer get hurt, ever,

so it's gonna be okay.

Okay.

( groaning )

Yeah.

Just one duckling ?

Dude, no.

Oh.

Could we keep them for another night ?

Tomorrow morning, I'm taking you guys to school

with the ducklings

and I'm going right from the school to an airfield

where I'm getting on a huge gray plane called a C-17

and I'm flying to the Middle East.

Whoa.

Are we going on the plane ?

You're not going on--

Your mom's picking you up tomorrow at school.

Can I keep just one duckling ?

Good night.

Good night, Daddy.

( ducks peeping )

( sighing )

( ducks peeping )

Y'know, for a bunch of tiny creatures, you guys are

a real pain in the ass.

If this was a toilet, I would just flush it, I swear to God.

( propeller whirring )

( bleep )

( woman ) So how long have you been there ?

( laughing )

( man ) Since I graduated high school.

Oh, really.

A real long time.

So do you-- do you-- do you like music ?

Yeah, I like music.

What kind of music do you like ?

Um, pretty much everything.

Do you like, um...

do you like Led Zeppelin or...

Led Zeppelin ?

You don't know who that is ?

No.

What about like-- ( clearing throat )

Van Halen, you like Van Halen ?

No.

You don't like them or you don't know 'em ?

I'm not sure who they are, no.

What about Aerosmith ?

You like Aerosmith ?

No.

You don't know who they--

No, not sure.

Uh, Steven Tyler, y'know, is in Aerosmith.

"American Idol."

Yeah.

Yeah, I know who Steven Tyler is.

He was in Aerosmith, he was in a band called Aerosmith.

Yeah, he's a judge on "American Idol."

Yeah, he is.

But, uh-- ( clearing throat )

You're a cheerleader ?

Yeah.

Football-- like a football cheerleader ?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

You ever date any football players ?

Oh, no, no, no.

We're not allowed to date any football players.

Do you ever do it anyway ?

I didn't-- I...

Hello and welcome to Task Force Base Charlie.

I'm General Thompson in charge of operations in Afghanistan.

Let me be the first to thank you for coming here.

I know it's been a long trip.

I'd like to be able to tell you to get some rest,

but I can't.

We need to get you out there and cheer up our troops.

You're gonna see some things in the next five days

that you've never seen or imagined.

These young people of ours

are living in some pretty bad conditions.

In fact, for many of them, it sucks out there.

Some of our forward operating bases

or FOBs, as you'll come to know them,

have little more than a pot to piss in and dry, cold food.

Many of our troops are in their second year.

Most of them have lost a buddy.

Some of them have been wounded in action,

returned for more.

We can't give them the comforts of home.

We can't send them home.

The only thing that we can hope to do

is try and lift their spirits.

So you see, your job here is terribly important.

This is not a joke to us or a trifle.

This is a vital mission

and I thank you most sincerely

for taking time from your family to come here and do this.

Now we need to have you go to your quarters,

drop your gear, grab what you need, get on transport.

Your first destination will be Alpha Camp

where you are going to entertain

about a thousand troops.

They are excited to see you.

You'll be sleeping for about three hours

and then we're gonna pack you onto Black Hawk helicopters

in pairs and fly you out to the FOBs.

I'm not going to lie to you.

These are dangerous places in remote mountain regions.

We've got guys in the mountains

firing rockets into these camps all the time

and whenever a Black Hawk lands,

it increases the value of the target

by about a billion dollars.

So some of you may take some fire,

but we know where it's coming from,

we know how to protect you,

so don't worry.

Thanks again for coming, and drive on.

Gentlemen.

Did he say we're taking fire ?

What does that--

Oh, no, no, don't worry, we'll be fine.

Nothing to worry about.

You're a comedian, sir ?

Yeah.

Did you see me on TV or something ?

No, sir, I haven't.

( sighing )

( duck peeping )

What the ( blank ) ?

( duck peeping )

"Dear Daddy, this duckling will keep you safe, Lilly."

( duck peeping )

Holy shit on the tits of a dog.

( duck peeping )

Hey, man.

Hey.

How are you ?

Good, okay.

Kenny Thomas.

Louie.

It looks like they got you and me going out together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Have-- have you done this before ?

Once or twice.

I used to-- I used to be in the military.

I was a-- I was a ranger.

Oh.

You all right ?

You look scared.

Yeah, is that stupid ?

No, man, you'd be stupid not to be.

( gun cocking )

Wow.

Yeah, never ever go in a hostile area unarmed.

All right, so we'll see you on the flight line ?

Okay, man.

All right.

See ya.

Yeah.

( duck peeping )

( peeping continues )

Come here, come here, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

It's okay, it's okay, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...

You're okay, you're okay.

( duck peeping )

So Mama sits by the flag of the USA

And the tears well up in her eyes

As she bows her head to pray

And she said

Son I know you had to go

Mama lost her little boy

But a country gained a hero yeah

Yeah we gained a hero

Oh we gained a hero

For the USA

I know you'd do the same ♪♪

( duck peeping )

( applauding )

My name's Kenny.

Thanks.

Kenny Thomas, everybody, let's hear it for him.

( cheers and applause )

You guys ready to be entertained by some cheerleaders ?

( cheers and applause )

Let's make 'em feel at home here in Afghanistan.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie and Ashley !

( cheers and applause )

( rock music playing )

( whistling )

( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause )

... to Afghanistan.

Ladies and gentlemen, Louie C.K.

( cheers and applause )

Thank you very much.

How you guys-- how are-- how are you guys doing ?

( all ) Good !

Okay, okay, I was...

I don't do a lot to improve myself.

You know, you guys are all young, you're healthy.

I've reached a point where I could never be healthy again.

Like I-- I work out to keep this.

That's the best that I can hope for,

that I won't have-- I'll keep--

I'll always have this belly,

I have to work hard so I won't have another one.

Like those-- that second crotch belly that people--

You ever see the guy who's got like a ( blank ) second belly ?

It's like a-- I'll be like a letter "B."

Just that belly and it's just-- Uhh !

And it's--

And my penis will just be hidden somewhere in there.

You ever seen somebody with like a second--

( man ) It's a gut.

And a--

Yeah, and then you can't--

When he pees, it just dribbles down

the front of his belly

and when get gets horny,

he just ( blank ) his fat from the inside.

That's the kind of person I'm talking about.

Now, that's what mine is become like, it just--

My dick, it just--

The whole dick and balls just looks like--

It's like an old horse that nobody brushes anymore.

You know ?

( all laughing )

( imitating whinnying horse )

My balls...

Like, my balls are like--

I'm 43, my balls are like 72 years old.

They're seriously older than me.

My balls, just-- they just kinda--

They're like...

they're like two just John McCains

just hanging from my-- they're just...

They-- they hang like--

They look like they're being rescued from a river

by a helicopter, that's what they...

It's very sad.

I still love women.

I love women.

I wanna ( blank ) women.

That's-- For guys, that's their--

It's both things.

It's very sad.

Guys can't really can't be romantic without being sexual.

It's the way we--

That's the way we're built.

That's the way we're designed.

We have to be that way

because we have to ( blank ) women

and you have to be kind of gross

to climb on a perfectly beautiful woman

and ( blank ) her and ruin her with your penis.

You have to have kind of a gross mentality.

Women get to be elegant during sex,

they get to lay back with their hair arranged on the pillow.

"Ooh !"

Even women that are aggressive,

they get to ride with their hair up,

"Mmm !"

They get to go for a ride.

But guys just climb on and-- ( blowing raspberry )

We just--

"Uhh."

We have to be gross.

"Gotta prosecute the pussy."

That's the kind of idiot you have to be to be a man.

Get on the dick train, bitches !

That's how dumb you have to be.

( cheering )

Here you go, guys.

Thanks, Lou.

Thank you.

( man ) Do you still work with Jim Norton ?

( Kenny ) It was good to meet you, take care of yourself.

Appreciate you coming out here, that's all.

Yeah, thanks.

Where y'all from ?

I'm from Jacksonville, Florida.

Are you, you a Gator ?

Oh, hell no.

I'm a Georgia Bulldog.

What's your name, man ?

Ryan.

That was so good !

That was awesome !

You are really good.

Hey, what's your name ?

Ryan.

Hey, Ryan, how's it going ?

Good, sir.

Sign that for you ?

Oh, you got a-- That's Kenny's.

( Kenny ) We sure appreciate y'all being here.

Thanks for letting us come.

I never knew a cheerleader--

I never knew a cheerleader, like, personally.

I mean, I-- There were girls in my high school

who were cheerleaders that I knew

who they were, but they never--

I never...

It's cool, though, it's like you're--

Like an artist, you know, right ?

'Cause you dance and...

Did you go to-- did you study dance or...

Y'all are kind of disgusting, the things you say on stage.

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

Why can't you say Christian things and be funny ?

Christian things ?

What kind of-- what kind of Christian things are funny ?

How old are you ?

19.

You wanna see something ?

Ew, what ?

( duck peeping )

Oh, my gosh !

That is so cute !

Can I hold him ?

No, no, no.

Maybe later.

Why do you have that ?

Well, my daughter put it in my bag.

She said it's to keep me safe.

That is adorable.

Well, it's not gonna help against an RPG,

but it's a pretty bad-ass duckling.

( chuckling )

See ?

You're being Christian and funny.

Would you ever date a guy my age ?

Why ?

Would you ever date a 19-year-old ?

Sure.

Would you really ?

Yeah.

That's disgusting.

The Description of Duckling: Part 1