Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Ian and Sheena | Scenes For Survival

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[a video call ring tone]

Gallup apace

Gallup apace you fiery footed steed

Hello Sheena!

Hello Ian!

Hell- oh, no Ian its a screen time call,

look at your screen

Oh, yes, sorry, yes.

Yes, I forgot.

Gee willikers, Ian! Why are you wearing that?

Ive just been in the back garden

dead heading the sweet pea on my trellis.

oh, right.

Is, erm

Is everything alright?

Yes. Why?

Well, you know. What with lockdown, and

people have a lot of time on their hands,

they might feel a bit lonely?

No, it is what it is Ian, you know,

Im not one to dwell.

Oh. Good.

Okay. 1 2 3 eyes on me

1 2 eyes on you.

I hereby call to order this years AGM

for the Kirktoon Players

Amateur Dramatics Theatre company.

I myself, Sheena Michaels, will be Madame chairwoman,

and Ian Naismith, present

sort of,

will be company secretary

and in charge of taking the minutes

Ooh! Er

I didnt know that,

so give me a minute for a pen.

How can you not know it...

[talking together] Ill get a pen from somewhere ...when I put it in the email...

Yes. Got a pen. and erm… ...Its there. Ian Naismith.

Some paper. Yes.

Paper. Yes. Got some paper.

You got something?

Right. Ready?

Yes. Go.

Are you ready?

Please state who will be in attendance thank you.

Well, its just you and me.

Oh, and Natalies here,

the woman who only speaks with her hands.

Where are the others?

Oh, theyre all doing this Zoomtube quiz thing!?

Right.

Right, so its just you and me

as per usual, holding the bloody fort.

Right, well the meetings going to commence

so please state any business

from previous meetings, thank you.

Oh, Saidy Toynbee took the minutes from the last meeting,

and she hasnt emailed mewith

Okay, okay! Moving on.

Please state any new business.

I dont think there is any.

Well actuallyI think youll find there is!

National Theatre of Scotland have been in touch!!

They want to take us back on tour to China?

No. No.

They are asking prominent figures

from the theatrical communities -

AM DRAMS included -

if we could put together awee something

for a project theyre callingscenes for survival.’

And I hope youre sitting down Ian,

because theoh, right

because its going to be broadcast on the BBC!!!

Well, the Scotland channel, but you know?

And theyve asked us?

Well, yes theyve asked us.

Why shouldnt they ask us?

We, The Kirktoon Players,

gave the National Theatre of Scotland

the award winning - sold out! -

award winning Edinburgh Festival musical

My Left Right Foot’.

I should coco theyre asking us!

But Sheena.

That was two years ago.

Uh-huh. And they havent had a hit since, chooky!

Oh, no, that-

Precisely!

This is it Ian! Were back!

This is our showcase to the world.

They want senior members of the The Kirktoon players -

vis-à-vis us -

to perform scenes that will inspire others

during these theatrically trying times.

No, no. No, no, I, I

I cantspeakinspiring lang-

No, no, you can.

[talking together] I cant inspire people on television No, no, you can, Ian.

[talking together] No, no, I cant. No, Sheena, I cant speak Ian Ian Ian IAN!

1,2,3 eyes on me!

1,2 eyes on you!

We are the Kirktoon Players Ian!

Scotlands leading amateur dramatics theatre company!

This is our chance to be on par with the pros.

They do it for the money.

We do it for the love. Okay?

What did you have in mind?

Since theyve cancelled the

Scottish Amateur Drama Association

one act play Festival,

which is devastating,

I thought it prudent not to waste

ten months of intensive rehearsals

and showcase them

Kirktoons premier of…?

[talking together] The curious incident of the dead dog in the midnight gard- A curious dog doing an incident in the night time, when someth-

YES!

But wait, does that mean I have to play a fifteen year old boy?

Well, yes Ian. I mean, come on, just step up.

No no I cant play a fifteen year old boy.

I cant play a a fifteen year boy on stage,

never mind on television.

No no no no, we cant do

the curious incident of the dea..domidn...

We dont even know the name of it!

No no no, and where are we going to find

a dead dog during lock down?

Mmm? Mm?

I mean, Jackie Bird could watch it,

or at the very least Shereen Nanjani.

1 2 3 eyes on me.

1 2 eyes on you.

Look, Ill find a solution,

Ill try and keep your input to a minimum

because we need to talk people off the ledge,

and not bloody well push them over.

For years, Ian, Amdrams have been mocked,

but this is our chance to show these so-called professionals

where the real grass roots of theatre lie.

I mean, lets face it Ian, these shower of shits

up there up at the NTS

oh, they walk about calling themselves Diverse!

Well, weve had soya milk in our company fridge for years,

and Kirktoon loos have been gender neutral since day one.

But thats because weve only got one toilet.

Have you ever noticed,

have you ever noticed the amount of women

that are running that building up there? Eh?

You cant walk two feet up there

without falling over a fallopian tube.

Theatre without walls?’

Its aTheatre without balls’, more like it.

Well, they do have a no nut policy!

Ian, thats just a bit crass.

Do you know,

I spend every day, tirelessly,

tirelessly trying to work out how to bring theatre back to its people.

But, Ian, whos going to want to sit in our church hall again?

First auld biddy that coughs and whips out her hanky,

therell be a stampede for the bloody exit.

I mean, were screwed!

Oh, dont lose heart Sheena

Heart!?

Oh, you want to talk about heart? Huh? Huh?

For 75 years,

Kirktoon have rehearsed every Tuesday night,

with leaky roofs and no heating,

and we come together with a common passion for -

let me finish -

For something to feel a part of!

And what now? What now?

Nothing. NOTHING!

But do you know what?

Maybe this is all this is all pointless, eh?

All this effort, and worry.

Maybe we should all just give up?

Yes, let's all just give up!

In fact, in the words of Debra Meading,

Im out

Sheena. Sheena!

Sheena!

[singing] I dont know why youre frightened,

[singing] You know your way around here,

Stop. Let me finish.

[singing together] the cardboard trees Yes, a world to rediscover

[singing together] but Im not in any hurryanyhurr

Yes. Something something something

Something...

Oh, Ian.

Oh, Ian, youre insipiri-

Ian?

Okay, I think youre frozen.

Ian!

Ian

[singing softly] The most beautiful name Ive ever heard,

Ian. Ian, Ian, Ian

Oh God Ian, I miss you so much.

I think I miss you even more

than theatre.

Oh forsooth,

I am, I am so lonely, Ian.

God, and Id happily shield with you forever,

And I wish you could be in my support bubble….

Im not frozen, Sheena.

Aarrghh! Shite!

[whispers] shite

Ermmeeting adjourned,

so if you could just, erm

just email me the minutes.

Meeting adjourned.

You had me at hello.

The Description of Ian and Sheena | Scenes For Survival