Practice English Speaking&Listening with: The Tonight Show: At Home Edition (Trevor Noah, DJ D-Nice)

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-Go. ♪♪

Hi, everyone.

Welcome to "The Tonight Show: At Home Edition."

I want to thank Franny and Winnie for being the music.

Thank you guys so much. Gary the dog is here.

We're all good. Alright, that's good.

That's perfect. That's great. Thank you. That's perfect.

Winnie drew this. Thank you very much, Winnie.

This is beautiful. We have a great show tonight.

We have -- Trevor Noah is on the show tonight.

Doing amazing stuff over at "The Daily Show."

Also, DJ D-Nice did a dance party on Instagram

that everyone was talking about.

So I interview D-Nice and find out

all the good things he's been up to.

But first, let's just start the show with some jokes.

Let's go. Hi, guys.

Before we get into our monologue,

which is hot off the presses -- ow! --

I want to say thank you so much for watching this show.

Thank you, youtube.com.

YouTube has been great airing these shows so

so many people can see it early.

And, also, if you go to youtube.com/fallontonight,

if you're there right now or if you're watching this on NBC,

who also we thank, next to our link,

there's a "donate" button.

That will go to nokidhungry.org.

So, that's the way you can donate to that,

and anything can help.

Speaking of helping, I was thinking about this,

and if there's any way -- Your local food pantry --

Google where that is.

"Where is my local food pantry?" They all need help.

Right now, out where I am, East Hampton Food Pantry

is desperate for anything on the shelves.

So if you go stocking up, wherever you are,

just get an extra can of soup and drop it off to -- What?

-Or a case of soup.

-Or a case of -- Yeah, well, if you can get a case of soup.

I guess people are buying things by the cases.

Go to Costco and get, like, a pallet of soup

and drop one can off to the --

Is that what you're saying, honey?

Off to the food pantry.

So -- But anything you can, really, think about --

That'd be great if you could.

It's weird times right now.

I'm standing in front of an odd tree.

I don't even know where I am in the house, but it's there,

and I'm not going to talk about it.

But I see true colors of people are coming out,

and everyone's being very creative now.

And it's kind of a heartwarming thing to see.

There's also the other side of people, too,

because I was walking my dog the other day

with my camera operator, who's my wife.

And I don't walk like this. What was I doing?

So, I was walking normally.

And everyone crossing the street

because it's socially distancing, which is great.

But just because you're doing that doesn't mean

you don't have to smile or wave.

You can do that.

You don't have to not be a person.

You can be like, "Hello."

You know, you can do that, can't you?

Can you say "Hello"? You can do that.

"Hey, good to see you." I mean, we're far enough away.

We really are. Like, I'd say more than 6 feet.

12 feet.

Anyway, I'm really seeing everyone being creative

on the Internet and everything,

and so let's get to some monologue jokes right now.

And then, after that, by the way, we'll do --

We're doing our interviews, but we also have

kind of a "best of" is what we're doing.

Best of the "The Tonight Show" this whole week

and as long as we have to do this.

So, these are clips that make you happy

and maybe, like, just kind of

get that balance back in life.

So, you'll see Bradley Cooper, Emma Stone.

What?! Yes! It's awesome. Alright, here we go.

Here he is, Jimmy Fallon! [ Imitates cheering ]

Thank you very much. Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

Oh, I forgot. My sister gave me a joke.

Gloria Fallon, I'll give you props for this.

She said, "Hey, guys, a lot of us have entered

our second week of quarantine and hopefully have enough

food, water, and skin left on your hands...from washing.

-Good one. -I know. Now here we go.

Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody,

"At Home Edition."

I hope everyone is doing okay. I had a tough weekend.

The governor of New York declared me

the definition of nonessential.

Why you do me like that?

Well, it's week two of self-quarantine,

and we're all feeling cooped up.

Today, my Amazon Alexa asked to give me -- sorry --

asked me to give it some space.

"Please back 6 feet off me."

As if things aren't crazy enough,

now the weather is insane,

as temperatures have dropped in half.

It's like the weather caught whatever the stock market has.

Honestly, who cares about the weather, right?

We're all inside anyway.

I was watching the news today, and the weather guy

turned to the sports guy and was like, "Why are we even here?"

[ Laughs ]

Why are we even here? To deafening silence.

Listen to this, guys.

I saw that Audible is now offering free audiobooks

for kids stuck at home.

So if Disney+ didn't hold your kids' attention,

I'm sure Ben Stein reading "War and Peace"

will do the trick.

I heard that Best Buy announced that they're now offering

curbside service with no human contact.

When they heard, Best Buy's Geek Squad was like,

"What's human contact?"

This is cool.

One of our guests tonight, DJ D-Nice,

hosted a social-distancing dance party on Instagram Live.

That's right -- a social-distancing dance party,

or as it's also known, every middle-school dance.

I read that since the increase in toilet-paper shortages,

people have been buying more bidets.

Yeah, it can act as a great substitute for toilet paper

and, if you're really desperate, a soda stream.

[ Laughs ]

I learned about an online toilet-paper --

I don't know. Why is that funny?

I read about -- Oh, I heard about

an online toilet-paper calculator

that tells you how long your supply will last.

So if you think you're bored, imagine being the guy

who just created an online toilet-paper calculator.

[ Laughs ]

This is crazy.

I saw that Germany has now banned gatherings

of more than two people.

Yep, a two-person gathering or, as it's known in Russia,

a 40th high-school reunion.

[ Russian accent ] We only ones who make it.

Our classmates were

the foundation of this school...literally.

They're in the foundation. They're in the cement somewhere.

[ Normal voice ] And, finally, this is amazing.

I read that the movie "Pretty Woman"

hit theaters 30 years ago today.

Do you remember that?

Not "Pretty Woman." I mean going to a movie theater.

That's our monologue, everybody. What?!

-Whoo-hoo!

-Now it's time to do a bit that we normally do on the show

where I play a cowboy character who's kind of ignorant

and just tells it like it is,

and he tells things to go on and git.

We're going to use a teleprompter thing,

an app that I got.

I don't know if it's going to work or not,

so just bear with us.

Here is "Go On, Git."

Hey, guys. It's time for "Go On, Git."

Is this Grandpa Juvonen's hat? -Dad.

-It's your dad's hat. -Mm-hmm.

-So, this is an actual, real cowboy's hat.

-Definitely.

-And I put my cowboy boots on

that I got a couple years ago,

and it took me about an hour to put them on.

And I think I'm just gonna have to leave them on all week.

Alright, here we go.

That's our teleprompter thing that we're using right now,

and we'll see if it works.

Alright, it's time for "Go --" Oh, here we go.

It can be hard to say goodbye, but sometimes, you have to.

And there are a few things I'd like to say

goodbye to right now.

It's time for "Go On --" It's not working.

It's time for "Go On --" Here we go.

It can be hard to say goodbye, but sometimes, you have to.

And there are a few things I like to say

goodbye to right now.

It's time for "Go On, Git."

♪♪

Go on, git, every single company sending e-mails

about what they're doing to "deal" with coronavirus.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm glad everyone's being careful at

the Sacramento Holiday Inn Express I went to

one time on a road trip in 2006,

but I didn't need an e-mail telling me about the

complimentary mini-muffin bar

will be closed until further notice.

Now, go on, git to the spam folder.

♪♪

Go on, git, insanely cheap plane tickets.

Oh, really? Flights to Miami are $17?

You don't say.

You know damn well that it's irresponsible

to take a nonessential flight right now.

Then again, $17 to Miami.

I mean, the Cuban sandwiches there are --

No! I turn my back on you, temptation.

Git! ♪♪

Go on, git, organic peanut butter.

You ain't nothing but a dang swimming pool of oil.

I got to stir you around, stir you, and stir you around.

Git. ♪♪

Go on, git, seasonal allergies. Read the ding-dang room.

This is not the right time for you to be showing up.

Usually, you're a minor annoyance,

but now one sneeze, and my family is changing into

hazmat suits and making me sleep in the dang-dung basement.

So go on, git, seasonal allergies

and take pet dander with you.

♪♪

Go on, git, spam phone calls,

calling me from my own dang number.

I know it's probably a scam,

but I can't take the chance and not pick up.

What if it's me from the future,

and I need help because I'm trapped in a basement?

How long have I been in there?

Don't worry, future me.

I'm coming for you...unless it is a spam number.

Then why don't you go on, git.

Alright, everybody. That's been "Go On, Git."

Hopefully you enjoyed it.

We'll be right back with more "Tonight Show."

♪♪

-Is this thing working? -[ Laughs ]

-Oh, what's up, Jimmy Fallon?

Do you want me to turn my screen sideways, as well?

I can do that.

-Ooh.

-Does that work for you?

-Yeah, definitely works for me, man.

What are you doing it on, a laptop, or you got an iPad?

-I've got an iPhone, man.

I'm in San Francisco. That's where I am.

[ Laughs ] -This does --

Are you really in --

You shouldn't be outside. You're on lockdown.

-Oh, man. What's going on? Are we starting yet?

When are we starting?

-This could be starting right now.

It's so good to see your face, man.

How are you dealing?

Where are you right now? -I'm actually at home.

Don't get disappointed. Hold on.

I'm gonna try to show you -- I've never used this before.

I'm trying to find -- Hold on.

I can -- "None."

So, yeah, I'm actually at home.

I'm sorry. -Ah, beautiful.

-Are you in, like, a cabin?

Where is this place?

Have you been kidnapped?

-No, no, no. I'm totally -- This is home.

I'm in like kind of a -- It's like a guest room,

but it looks like a cabin type of room.

-Who are your guests? Hunters?

[ Both laugh ]

-Dude, this has all changed since the quarantine started.

This was just a normal room,

and now I've become, like, a hunter-gatherer type of thing.

-Right. This is like you preparing

for the new world post-the coronavirus apocalypse.

-Oh, dude, I'm making weapons out of tripods and everything.

I don't know what --

How are you handling the social distancing

and the self-quarantining and all that?

-I'm not gonna lie to you, Jimmy.

I haven't noticed any difference in my life.

I am genuinely -- I'm not even trying to be funny here.

Some people are gonna say this is a joke.

There's no jokes.

Like, I have experienced no change in my world.

So, my whole life I've been an indoor kid, right?

I love playing outside, but I was like the --

My mom had to chase me out of the house

to go and play with other kids,

'cause I was like, I wanted to be at home.

I wanted to play video games, and I wanted to watch TV.

I don't go outside.

I don't need to go outside.

Like, people always -- You know how people will be like,

"But it's such a beautiful day. Why don't you go outside?"

No. I don't care.

-Really? You like being inside?

-I don't like being inside. I love being inside.

I live inside. That's me.

So I -- Like, my life hasn't changed

other than the stress of what's happening in the world.

Like, just -- 'cause I feel for what's happening.

I'm worried about what's gonna happen in the world

for people economically.

You know, I think on a health level,

we're probably gonna get this thing under control.

But I worry about the effects

for the -- just every economy in the world

and how that affects the poorest people first.

That's the thing that stresses me out.

But, like, for me, I'm not even gonna lie to you

and say I have been stressed in any way.

I am completely fine.

I also started intermittent fasting

just before coronavirus started, so I --

I don't eat -- 'cause I realized I don't need to eat.

I realized someone tricked me into believing

that I need three meals or five meals a day

or something like that.

So now I eat --

I don't eat for 18 hours in a day,

and then I'll eat for, like, the rest of the --

But I eat like a few things, and then I'm done.

My mom does the same thing.

-I started that like two weeks ago,

and then when this happened,

I stocked up on so much food

that I -- I've never eaten more in my life.

I've never eaten more food,

because I don't want it to go to waste,

and I go, "You're not gonna to finish that?

You can't waste it. This is -- We need it now more than ever."

And I just -- I'm eating like six -- six meals a day.

-No, my friend. No, I've done the complete opposite,

'cause my thing is I didn't buy --

I didn't buy a bunch of stuff. Like, I think --

I get why people were panicking, but you know what it is?

Living in New York has taught me not to panic

because people panic every year. When they say, like,

there's gonna be a blizzard, then people rush out.

And I've noticed people -- Maybe this is an American thing.

People don't know what to buy in an emergency.

-[ Laughs ]

-That's what I've noticed.

-I totally agree, because you've seen it

or because you've done it?

-No, because I've seen it. -Yeah.

-Like, when people say there's gonna be a blizzard in New York,

and they say it's gonna be like 12 inches of snow,

and we might not be able to go anywhere,

I've seen people buy --

Like, they rush out, and all the bread is gone.

Bread is the worst thing to buy for a disaster.

Like, bread is -- it's --

There's mold. -It doesn't last.

-It doesn't last. -No, I agree.

-And then, like now with coronavirus,

people are buying toilet paper

like coronavirus is going to make you just go on a rampage

in the bathroom or something.

You don't need that much toilet paper.

-Yeah, it's a lot of toilet paper talk.

My friend bought four giant things of canola oil,

and I go, "Wow.

Do you plan on deep frying?

I mean, what's --

what's happening in your quarantine?"

[ Both laugh ]

It's -- they go, "I don't know.

I just bought it 'cause it was there."

-I realized, you know what it is?

The problem with coronavirus is that it's invisible,

'cause if coronavirus was zombies,

we wouldn't be acting like this.

-[ Laughs ] Yeah. -Like, if coronavirus

was actual zombies walking through the streets,

no one would be like, "I'll take my chances."

-Yeah. No, exactly.

They would be locking their door 10 times.

And -- yeah, you're right.

So, yeah, that's a good idea.

Pretend there are zombies out there.

Is it -- Is it -- I know Comedy Central

is now airing your show on Comedy Central,

which is awesome, 'cause a lot of people

don't have the Internet or don't understand it,

like people like I would say my dad.

So he's so happy to have my show on TV.

He's like, "Finally I can watch."

Is it odd telling jokes with no laughter?

-Yeah, it's very weird, because I've --

one of the first things I did was work as a stand-up comedian.

That's been my career for, what, going on 14, 15 years now.

So it's -- I've never told jokes --

I've never just told jokes to myself.

That's like the first sign of madness in my opinion.

So I've never stood in front of the mirror and been like,

"You see what happened today?"

I've never done that. So it's weird.

-I used to practice -- I used to practice my stand-up.

There was a piece of brick wall

in my apartment where I lived in L.A.,

and I had a mic stand,

and I stood in front of the brick wall.

-Are you serious? -And used to do acts

in my bedroom by myself, my whole routine.

-That is -- So you're made for this, then.

-Yeah, this is -- Finally, this is my --

I finally found my medium. -You're the corona king.

You're the corona king. No, like, it's weird.

It's weird doing the show without an audience,

because I think it's always a reminder --

After like every joke or every moment,

it's always a reminder of the time we're living through.

You know? So -- -Yeah.

-The thing I'm trying to do

is I'm trying to inform my audience.

I'm trying to stay informed. I still don't believe

anybody should be watching news 24 hours a day,

because the truth is news has to tell you news.

So they're gonna find bad things to tell you

for 24 hours to make the thing continue.

-That's correct. -But I don't think it's healthy.

So for me, I go, hey, I know a lot of people watch my show

because they just want to catch up on essential news,

and then they want to carry on living their lives.

And I -- I'm honored that people would have me provide that.

So that's what I do. I work with my team.

Everyone's at home. We make the show.

It's weird because you just say a thing,

and then nothing happens.

Like, this is great right now. This is like --

-You get a little back and forth, exactly.

-Yeah. -I'm loving this, yeah.

It's good that you're doing this and making a lot of people --

You know, again, the severity of what's happening,

but also it provides a little bit of balance.

So thank you. -Yeah, because I think

that's the thing is we have to remember the balance.

We're not staying at home because everyone's gonna die.

We're doing this preemptively.

We're trying to prevent a disaster from happening,

and so we have to do the boring thing.

Prevention is always boring.

-Yeah. -You know what I mean?

-That's not the part of the zombie movie you like.

-Exactly. Exactly.

Nobody -- Like, in the beginning of a zombie movie,

there's always the doctor who's like,

"We need to quarantine everybody.

There's something spreading."

And they're like, "Shut up, Klaus!"

-[ Laughs ] -You know what I mean?

-Yeah, he's not anyone's favorite character.

-Yeah. And then when the zombie outbreak happens,

then he's like, "I tried to warn everybody."

-Yeah, and then they -- and he gets attacked.

-Exactly. Yeah. "Aah."

-Yeah.

The charity that we're mentioning tonight

is No Kid Hungry.

-Yes.

-Why this charity?

-Well, here's the thing.

There are millions of kids in America

who get their food from school.

There are millions of kids in America

who might get one of their only nutritious meals at school.

And in closing the schools, which I understand

was necessary for many people, we also have to acknowledge

how many children now no longer have access to that one meal

or that one nutritious meal that they were having every day.

And I think it's really important for us,

especially in this moment in time,

to try and support those in our communities

who are the most affected by this --

people who don't earn a lot of money,

people who are low-income.

This is all throughout the country,

you know, from Idaho to New York,

from California through to Kentucky and Delaware.

There are people -- The people who are gonna get affected first

and the most are people who have the lowest incomes,

people who don't earn the most,

people who live from paycheck to paycheck.

So for me, you know,

feeding kids is something you take for granted.

I know what it was like to grow up in a home

where we didn't have food all the time.

I know what it was like

to go for two or three nights not eating,

and I don't think any kid should ever have to go through that.

So for me, you know, I think whatever we can contribute --

and it's -- a little --

you know, a lot of a little makes a lot.

And so for me, it's everyone just chipping in

and saying, "Hey, we'll help. We'll help feed these kids.

Let's keep the kids fed."

Think about their parents, who are oftentimes

working in the industries

that we need them to stay in right now.

People who don't earn minimum wage

or maybe just earn minimum wage,

working in grocery stores that you need to stay open,

working in pharmacies that you need to stay open,

working in all of these places

you need to stay open to survive.

They also have kids.

Their kids might have been getting food from their schools.

So for me, I think everyone, if possible, whatever you can give.

I know not everybody can, but everyone who can give,

try and give a little. -Whatever you can give.

Even a dollar, anything is just -- Everything matters.

So please, right now, they would love it.

Trevor, you're the best for doing this, buddy.

Thank you for doing your show, but thank you for doing my show.

And keep up and keep people balanced, please.

Thank you so much for everything you're doing, buddy.

-Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you so much.

And I'm gonna send the police to your house,

'cause I think someone's buried in the basement.

If I look at that room, and the FBI told me

that they found someone in that house, I'd be like,

"How did nobody know someone was in that house?"

-This is -- This is like -- is it like "Misery"?

Thanks so much, bud. I appreciate this.

-I'm heading back to San Francisco now.

So, enjoy being stuck in your house.

-Wow, you got there fast.

-Say hi to Gavin for me. -You enjoy yourself

in your house, Jimmy Fallon. -Bye, buddy. Bye, buddy.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

-Alright, cool.

♪♪

-Yo. -What's up, man?

-Yo, come on! -[ Laughs ] Ah, man.

-What did do you? What did you do?

Oh, my gosh.

-Man, man. Life, man.

I just wanted to do something good for people,

and it turned into something really good.

So unexpected.

-It was really good.

I loved it so much.

D-Nice, it's an honor.

Thank you so much for doing this.

I appreciate you doing "The Tonight Show" at-home edition.

What you're doing is exactly what we need.

You're bringing people up.

You're lifting people's spirits.

I got an e-mail from a friend that said,

"Do you see what D-Nice is doing right now?"

And I was like, "What?"

And they're like, "He's deejaying for like nine hours.

This dance party thing," and I go, "What?"

So I went to your live Instagram, and when I was there,

it was already -- I mean, first of all, how did it come about?

Let's start there.

-It started -- I was sitting here at home, you know, just --

I was alone and, you know, I wanted to just play music

for my friends and I had a small Instagram following,

you know, and I wanted to play it for, like, my friends,

you know, and create an Instagram live,

and I was deejaying, and it was just like people, you know,

from the music industry.

You know, Questlove would pop in.

Black Thought -- actually Black Thought

was the one that was like,

"Yo, you should just play some music, D. Let's do it."

And it was a small group of like 200 people,

and then it turned -- the next day it was 2,000 people.

Then the day after that it was 12,000 people.

And then Friday was the one where it was, like,

"Wow, there's 25,000 people in here."

Then all of a sudden J. Lo popped in and I was like,

"Wait, J. Lo's in here?"

And then 10 minutes later,

Drake was in there and I was like, "Wow."

-Oh, this is a party. -"This could be something."

And then Saturday was --

you know, I mean, it was like 100,000 people.

-Oh, my goodness!

That's when I checked it out.

It was 100,000.

It was like -- I was like, "This is so much fun."

When I was there, Kamala Harris jumped in.

Buju Banton was there.

-Yes. [ Laughs ]

-It was like the craziest mix of people coming together.

-Joe Biden.

You know, Michelle Obama was there.

Janet Jackson was there. -Ellen DeGeneres.

Were you nervous knowing that Michelle Obama was in there?

-I was. I was nervous and even though I deejayed for them,

I played, you know, the second to the last party

at the White House and did the inaugural ball,

there was something about, like, in that setting

where I'm, like, really at home.

Like, this is my kitchen.

-Wow. -I'm deejaying in my kitchen,

and something that I was doing in my kitchen

was able to touch the world.

Like, it was just beautiful.

It was beautiful. -It really was a great thing.

I loved it so much.

#clubquarantine is what everyone was calling it.

And it was the number-one worldwide trend.

-Wow. [ Laughs ]

-It was just --

Did you, like, get nervous when the numbers started going up

and you kept seeing all those hearts flying around, like --

-I saw the hearts flying around, and I wasn't nervous

because I was -- my core friends

that we started this with were still in there.

So it was the average person.

Then there was Kelly Rowland, and it was -- but Kelly --

they had been there and they were, like, cheering it on,

like, oh, my gosh, because we had never maxed 25,000.

It was like let's see if we can get it to 30,000.

Oh, my gosh, we're at 30,000, and it just kept climbing.

When it reached like -- it was 98,000 people,

and then all of a sudden, Mark Zuckerberg logged in,

and we were like, "Wait, Mark, what are you doing here?

Please don't shut us off. Let us get to 100,000."

And he posted -- he posted "You got this,"

and as soon as it hit 100,000, everyone just went crazy.

I was in here like, oh, my gosh, like --

-I mean, it's -- I mean, 'cause as a deejay,

you feed off the crowd, right?

-Yes.

-But you have no crowd in your kitchen.

Did you still get the same type of excitement or more?

-I received the same type of excitement,

but it's -- actually I would say more. You know why?

Because when you're feeding off of the crowd,

you're trying to play for the crowd.

I'm watching body languages, and I'm trying to get them --

I want them to hear what they want.

100,000 people were in that live to hear what I wanted to play,

like, and I was able to play from my heart.

I love music, so I was able to play --

stop the music and play Kenny Rogers.

You would never hear Kenny Rogers in a hip-hop club.

So I was able to just do what I love,

and it was beautiful to experience.

-What's next?

Are there gonna be more dance parties?

What's next?

-Man, I have one on Wednesday.

I'm trying to do them maybe like every other day.

Not every day the way I was doing it.

I didn't expect it to become this, but, you know,

just give people a break and allow them to be more excited

about it and, look, it's just been a beautiful thing.

I want to continue.

As long as we're doing this, as long as we're quarantined,

at least do my part, which is through entertainment

to touch people, to bring people together.

-Exactly right, and that's what you're doing,

and I can't even tell you.

So Wednesday night, what time should we tune in?

-3:00 p.m. Pacific time, 6:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.

I'm just going to go in, like, after work,

people get to hear music and dance together.

-It's on Instagram. Follow @dnice, one word.

-Yes.

-And it was so enjoyable and I can't tell you how happy I was.

I was yelling at you through my phone like, "Yes, go!"

It was so great. I loved it.

You made so many people happy.

I can't even tell you, like, how it's --

to go worldwide like that, you got to be proud,

and thank you for doing what you're doing.

It was so cool. -Thank you.

I appreciate you, man. I appreciate you.

-I'm a big fan. Bye, buddy. Thank you.

-Bye, buddy. Peace.

-Thank you guys so much for watching.

Nokidhungry.org.

Please, go donate. Give what you can.

Guys, wash your hands. Don't touch your face.

And I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

Thank you so much for watching our show.

Go, Win.

Go, Fran.

Here I come!

-Boo!

The Description of The Tonight Show: At Home Edition (Trevor Noah, DJ D-Nice)