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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: The Irish Comedy Tour

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[music plays]

[announcer] Ireland.

Known for its beautiful rolling countryside,

historic castles and raucous pubs.

Settled around 8000 BC

and located just west of Great Britain,

Ireland has produced numerous authors

such as James Joyce,

actors such as Peter O'Toole,

and musicians, with none bigger than U2.

The Irish are a hardworking, hard-playing group,

with morals and ethics as deep as their Catholic

and Protestant upbringing.

Through the years, many of the Irish

sought greener pastures here in the United States.

Some did well for themselves,

others, well, not so much.

But every culture produces a bad seed.

Tonight we present to you a group of those.

Some of society's outcasts go to prison,

some end up in comedy.

Ladies and gentlemen,

[cheering, applause]

-How are you? -[cheering]

Oh, it's great to be here at Infinity Hall

in the great state of Connecticut, huh?

-[scattered cheering] -[laughs]

Folks, Cead Mile Failte.

A hundred thousand welcomes to you

from The Irish Comedy show. My name is Derrick Keane,

and it's my job to turn this joint into an Irish bar tonight.

-Okay? -[cheering]

Just a couple of rules, guys. No fighting

and no peeing in the corner. Okay?

-Are you sober? -[audience] No!

You're not sober? That's great, folks,

because the more you drink, the better we sound.

And the more we drink, the better you look.

And we've been drinking all day and it's not really working.

Anyway, it's great to be here.

Come on, get your hands in the air.

Come on, it's party time! Party time!

We got a great show tonight, folks!

Everybody!

Oh, Danny boy

The pipes... ♪

Come on, let's get the hands going, everyone! Come on!

[upbeat music]

I'll tell me, Ma when I go home

The boys won't leave the girls alone

They pull my hair They stole me comb

But that's all right When I go home

She is handsome She is pretty

She's the belle of Belfast City

She is a courting One, two, three

Please can't you tell me who is she? ♪

Beautiful!

Albert Mooney says he loves her

All the boys are fighting for her

Knocking on the door and ringing her bell

Oh, my true love Are you well? ♪

Out she comes as white as snow

Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes

Johnny Murphy says he'll die

If she doesn't get the fellow with the roving eye

Tell me, Ma when I go home

The boys won't leave the girls alone

They pull my hair and stole my comb

But that's all right When I go home

She is handsome She is pretty

She's the belle of Belfast City

She is a courting One, two, three

Please can't you tell me who is she? ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[cheering]

Say hello to Damon!

♪♪

[man] Our show is fairly unique.

It's a mixture of music and comedy.

I mean, we've got a very talented fiddle player,

I play music and sing.

You're not just coming to hear

a couple of comedians onstage telling jokes.

Fantastic audience.

All right, folks, are you ready to laugh your asses off?

-[audience] Yeah! -Are you sure?

-[cheering] -All right.

We're gonna bring out our first comedian, folks.

Very, very funny man.

From the rebel county of Cork in Ireland,

via Detroit, Michigan, give it up for Mr. Derek Richards!

-Here we go! -[upbeat music]

-[cheering] -How about for Derrick Keane

and Damon Leibert, ladies and gentlemen! Come on!

-Let 'em know, make some noise! -[cheering]

-How are you, Infinity Hall? -[cheering]

An old Irish toast to get things started.

Raise up your glasses nice and high.

I drink to your health when I'm with you.

I drink to your health when I'm alone.

I drink to your health so often I start to worry about my own.

Where's my Irish folks at here tonight?

Come on, make some noise for me, Irish folks!

-Where are you? -[cheering]

Look at you, sober enough to clap, too.

That's impressive.

I'm Irish, drinking problem,

short temper, small penis.

Type that into Match.com, see what comes back.

You're looking at him, ladies.

We all have a great sense of humor, the Irish, we do.

We're not easily offended. In fact,

I go out of my way to embrace every stereotype.

Somebody makes some comment, try and piss you off,

"You guys are Irish, all you do is drink and fight."

[laughs] Duh.

Perfect example, Summer Olympics 2008.

Ireland took home three medals. One silver, two bronze,

boxing.

[laughs] Last Olympics gold medal, boxing.

Women's boxing.

You think they should have had a meeting before they

all flew over there and went, "All right!

Can anybody in here run?"

[no audio]

Ireland didn't even send a team to the Winter Olympics.

Jamaica sent a bobsled team.

How does Ireland look at the most prestigious international

athletic affair and go, "Eh, fuck it.

Can we skate in a pub? No? Well...

let us know how that shit works out for you.

It's cold out there.

Seventy-two in a bar."

-What do you get out of this? -Camaraderie.

Friendship. Liver damage.

A couple of minor arrests. Nothing major.

Some ulcers. A broken marriage.

To our wives and girlfriends. May they never meet.

[laughter]

-[man] What's that? -It's Irish Jenga.

-[laughter] -[Keane] All the way, folks,

from the kingdom of Kerry in Ireland,

via Boston, Massachusetts, give it up for Mike McCarthy!

[upbeat music]

-[music stops] -Whoo!

What's up? One more time for Derrick Keane!

[cheering]

And you guys can see the leprechaun playing the fiddle,

-right? -[audience] Yeah.

One more time for Damon Leibert, let him know!

-[cheering] -Yeah! What's up, Connecticut?

-[cheering] -To infinity and beyond!

Yah!

My name is Michael McCarthy from Boston, Massachusetts.

[cheering]

I am micked out to the max, 100 percent Irish,

Lucky Charm-loving, corned beef and cabbage-eating,

beer-- I'm so Irish, I can't eat English muffins.

They taste like oppression.

I'd rather choke on French toast, thank you very much.

It's good to be here. You like the kilt?

[cheering]

Ma'am, I wear this as a tribute to my culture,

not to be eye-raped by somebody in the front row.

Eyes up here, please. Please.

It is good to be back in Infinity Hall, man.

It's good to be anywhere besides where we worked last week.

Last week, we took The Irish Comedy Tour

to Tunica, Mississippi.

I did not wear the kilt.

Tunica, Mississippi, because when you think Irish comedy,

you think Mississippi, don't you?

And listen, I don't want to say

that everybody in Mississippi is dumb.

But look at it on a map.

It's surrounded by Alabama, Arkansas, Louisiana,

and Tennessee.

The state's marinating in stupidity, folks.

Have you ever been down south?

There are parts of Mississippi that are so backwards-ass,

that when you're driving through,

if you listen closely enough,

you can actually hear the old Dukes of Hazzard

narrative voice start doing your--

Remember old Waylon Jennings? I'm driving through, I hear,

"Well, it was just about that time...

that the bald-headed hippie Yankee faggot

comic from Boston pulled into town.

He didn't know it yet,

but he sure was in for a heap of trouble."

♪♪

Old pirates Yes, they rob I

Sold I to the merchant ship

Minutes after they took I

[McCarthy] Drinking that happens on this tour is mythical, dude.

I woke up this morning, my liver was next to me

-with a protest sign. -Oh!

Last year, I gave my doctor a urine sample,

it had a head on it.

A little song called "The Wild Rover."

-Do you know it? -[cheering]

Just like being back at home in Dublin.

Four claps at the beginning, then two, and then one.

Damon is gonna show you how to do it.

It's very, very easy.

Here we go now.

And it's no, nay, never

Come on!

No, nay, never no more

Will I play the wild rover

No, never no more

Very good. You're getting the hang of it.

Look at all those beautiful faces out there.

How do you get a fat woman into bed?

Piece of cake.

Oh, I've been a wild rover for many's the year

And I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer

And now I'm returning with gold in great store

And I never will play the wild rover no more

And it's no, nay, neverCome on!

No, nay, never, no more

Will I play the wild rover? ♪

No, never, no more

Very good. [laughs]

So a grizzly bear walks into a bar,

walks up to the bartender and he says,

"Could I have a gin...

and tonic?"

The bartender says, "Certainly, but why the big paws?"

I went into an ale house I used to frequentCome on!

And I told the landlady my money was spent

She called me a pony I answered her nay

Such a custom as yours I can have any day

And it's no, nay, neverLet's hear it!

-♪ No, nay, never...♪ -[audience] ♪ No more

[audience] ♪ Will I play... ♪

-You suck. -[laughter]

[laughs]

Oh, you're great.

Guy runs into a bar, sweating, you know.

He runs into a pub and his sweat's dripping off him.

He goes up to the bartender and says,

"Give me two pints of Guinness.

Give me a pint of Harp. Give me a vodka and toke.

Give me a gin and... gin and tonic.

And give me a vodka and Red Bull."

Bartender says, "Certainly."

So he puts all the drinks on the counter.

The man goes up and knocks them all back one after the other,

straight back. Knocks them all into his system.

The bartender says, "Jeez, you drank them very quick.

Are you okay?" He says to bartender,

"If you had what I had you'd drink them quick too."

The bartender says, "Why, what have you?"

He says, "Five dollars."

And it's no, nay, neverLovely!

No, nay, never, no more

Will I play the wild rover? ♪

And no, neverOne more time, now go on!

And it's no, nay, never

No, nay, never, no more

Will I play the wild rover? ♪ Big finish!

No, never, no more

What a great audience!

Best audience we've had all day.

I'm Derek Richards, comedian and founder

of The Irish Comedy Tour.

And I'm basically on the tour for the sexy.

I mean, I'm no prize,

but have you seen the other three knuckleheads

that are on this show with me?

So we needed some eye candy for the ladies.

Otherwise we'd have no female audience at all. So... wow.

Thank God I'm here.

Beautiful!

[upbeat music plays]

I counted out his money It made a pretty penny

I put it in my pocket and I brought it home to Jenny

She smiled and she swore she never would deceive me

But the devil take your women

Because you know they can be easy

I grew up Irish Catholic. Yeah. Hardcore.

So hardcore my mom's got a picture on the wall

of Jesus having a Guinness with Bono.

I call it "A Jew, A Brew and U2."

-Catholics out here? Catholics? -[cheering]

Oh, thanks for making the trip. God bless you.

I don't know what it means either.

I'm not gonna lie to you, I slept through church.

I was a terrible kid.

I did all the church stuff you're supposed to do.

I studied the ten condiments.

Read all about Genesis. Great band.

Sad thing. All I could tell you about church

is that when communion comes out

that's like the two minute warning.

You know it's true. Here come the crackers,

we're almost out of here.

What would Jesus do? Not miss kick-off, Padre.

Step on it.

Come from a small Irish Catholic household.

We only had three kids in my family,

which is small for my people.

Yeah, even Dad's sperm were drunk and lazy.

Thanks for laughing.

I don't have any kids. If you have them, good for you.

I don't have that parental gene.

Therefore, I decide to not reproduce.

When that show was on, I couldn't even watch it.

Remember that train wreck, that Jon & Kate Plus Eight thing?

That was... remember... [gagging]

I watched one episode for five minutes.

Gave myself a vasectomy.

I had a friend of mine, she loved the show.

I asked her one day, I go, "Why do you watch this?"

She goes, "People are impressed

watching a man and woman raise eight kids."

Really? You know who's not impressed? Mexicans.

This new information for you people?

Couple guys on The Irish Comedy Tour

didn't want to do shots of vodka,

so somebody's gotta step up to the plate.

Hello? I can't get any reception on my BlackBerry.

There's no reception on my... Is your BlackBerry-- Hello?

All right, so here's what we're doing. Derrick Keane and I

are getting set to break into Mike McCarthy's room

because he passed out like a big baby. Early.

And that was a huge mistake. So we got a key to his room,

and we're gonna see if we can get in there right now.

-He's a big... -We got rubber bands.

So we got to use that to kind of maneuver our way

around the chain lock. Let's see what happens.

-[whispering] Oh, there he is. -And look. It's still open.

He's sleeping. There's his little skirt.

And he is out cold. All right.

[Irish music plays]

Don't like you at all. I don't like you at all.

Any of you. You. You. You.

I don't like you. I don't fucking like you.

I don't fucking like you.

Cunts.

-Oh! -[Irish music plays]

[McCarthy] The talent, the camaraderie, the fun,

the mischief, the mayhem, I mean, the whole thing.

I look forward to it every year. My...

it's the best thing that's ever happened to my career,

but the worst thing that's ever happened to my health. [laughs]

Without question. But yeah, it's...

it's just getting together with the guys,

traveling around the country and making people laugh.

What more can you ask for?

I went outside after the show in Mississippi

and I got high with some of the people from the crowd.

Which by the way, folks, is an exceptional way

for you to spend some quality time with your comedian.

Went to my doctor the other day.

You figure the guy that sticks his finger up your butt

should have a sense of humor.

He asks me if I take any drugs. I tell him I smoke marijuana.

He goes, "Recreationally?"

I said, "Well, I'm not in a league or anything.

But I'm pretty good, man. What do you got?"

Gets all bent out of shape. He's like, "Michael,

there's nothing funny about marijuana."

I said, "Brother, I don't know where you're getting your shit.

We should probably talk."

I'm walking back into the club. I am baked!

Greeted at the front door by a woman from Mississippi

who I swear goes like this... [snorts]

[spits]

[southern accent] "We thought you was really funny.

'Cept you talk way too fast.

Much more laid back here in Mississippi.

Like it nice and slow.

Got what we call a Mississippi pace.

Don't y'all have the same thing...

up north...

in Boston...

...where you're from?"

I said, "Yeah, as a matter of fact, in Boston

we have the exact same thing, only up there we generally refer

to it as fucking retarded.

Why don't you go sleep with your brother,

and I'll stay away from big words.

How does that sound, huh?"

[acoustic guitar plays]

Doing a sound check

In Somerville

Is a right big pain in my nut sac

Well, my name is Derrick Keane. I am from Dublin, Ireland.

And I'm the singer/ guitar player

with The Irish Comedy Tour.

And I love doing this.

So basically the only reason I am doing it

is because these guys really need my help.

This here is South Florida fashion.

-I'm trying to fit in. -He's trying to blend.

It's South Florida camouflage.

What time is bingo at?

Damon Leibert, folks. Classically trained musician.

Four years studying classic music in college.

Only for us to put him in a leprechaun suit

-and play Irish music. -[cheering]

All the way from Nova Scotia. Damon Leibert, let's go!

[upbeat music]

♪♪

[cheering]

That's enough. That's enough.

All right.

He's not bad, is he?

-[cheering] -Shall we... shall we keep him?

[cheering]

[slow music plays]

♪♪

[woman] All right. So it's Saint Patty's Day.

-Yes. -We are celebrating here on

CT Style. And every year a boisterous belly laugh band

of hooligans tours the U.S. for some Saint Patty's fun.

That's right. It's called The Irish Comedy Tour,

and we got our own exclusive backstage look

at this year's show at Infinity Hall in Norfolk, CT.

Take a look.

[McCarthy] Infinity Hall holds a special place in our heart.

It's one of the places in the beginning

that really believed in us, and it's such a beautiful venue.

And they treated us so good in the very beginning

when we were nobodies. Then coming back every year

puts smiles on our faces driving down the road.

Connecticut's always been a great state to us.

We've done shows in Old Saybrook, in Ridgefield,

Torrington, Hartford,

and of course Infinity Hall in... in Norfolk, Connecticut.

Which is, like I said, one of our favorite venues.

It's always held a spot close to us

and, you know, we've got some... some real fond memories

of being there and... and the people of Connecticut

have always been great to us,

and have really embraced the tour.

And, you know, we couldn't be happier.

My biggest fear would just be having a stupid kid.

And when I say that,

I don't mean a kid with a learning disability.

I'm talking about a stupid kid like my little cousin.

He's the kid where, like, if you stuck him in a room

with a fork and a toaster,

in five minutes he'll electrocute himself.

That kind of stupid, right?

We all know somebody like that.

I know that's the kid I would have.

Trust me, I know my DNA.

I know my chemical and alcohol dependency issues down the line.

Trust me. I have more messed up genes than T.J. Maxx.

Thank you, bargain shoppers, for picking up on that one.

You ever grab... you ever grab a pair of pants over there,

hold them up, 36, 32, 25. Who's buying this, a pirate?

If you got a dumb kid, my heart goes out to you.

Seriously. Because if you think about it,

really, look at it this way.

A dumb kid is almost like a bad performing stock...

that you can't sell for 18 years. You know what I'm saying?

I mean, think about it. You have got to tote

that little dumb shit around a long time.

And I don't care how you look at it,

it just drags down your family portfolio.

I think you should be able to take a kid back

until they're five.

Think about it. Ladies, you do everything right

during the pregnancy. Eat well, drink a lot of water,

take your vitamins, pop out a kid, hope for a genius.

Ahh!

Then he's three under the sink eating cleanser. "Really?

Come on. You've got to be kidding me.

Honey, get the receipt."

I got a buddy of mine who has two of them. Two idiots.

[laughs] What are the odds?

You ever call someone's house, they have to spell

around the kids because they're little?

I call my buddy, I said, "What are you doing this weekend?"

He goes, "Oh, we're taking the kids to D-I-S-N-E-Y."

I'm like, "Your kids there in room?" He goes, "Yeah."

I'm like, "Aren't they nine and ten?

Maybe take them to S-C-H-O-O-L.

So they don't become a D-U-M-A-S...

S."

Another letter in there too? Whatever.

It's after the show here at City Stage

in Springfield, Massachusetts.

And it is an absolute mob scene as you can see.

Look at all the people.

Everyone says travel is glamorous.

We're having a picnic at Bradley International Airport.

Waiting for baggage

To come out on the conveyor belt

It's taking longer than the flight from Hartford

McCarthy's beginning to smell

We're waiting for our stuff

We smuggled in some marijuana

We're going to smoke it on the bus

We're waiting for our baggage

Where are my Irish people in the room?

-[cheering] -Yeah, baby.

I love everything about being Irish.

I grew up in a very ethnically diverse neighborhood.

There were Irish people and people from Ireland.

I kid you not. My house, McCarthy, McPherson, McCauley,

Murphy, McKinnon, Antanazio.

You gotta have one Italian. Someone's gotta do the cooking.

You know what I'm saying?

Have you had Irish food? It's barbaric.

I swear, we boil meat, people.

Has anyone here ever actually been

to a really good Irish restaurant?

-[crowd murmurs] -No, you haven't. No, no.

They don't exist. We have pubs that serve food, but that's it.

The only people who make worse food than us are the Scottish.

You know what haggis is?

They take a sheep's stomach and they stuff it with its lungs,

brains and heart.

That's not food, it's Fear Factor for godsakes.

I love being Irish, man.

We embrace-- we're the only country

that embraces everything about it, man.

And we bring-- we put the "fun" in funeral.

Tell me I'm wrong.

We do. Has anyone here ever been

to a real traditional Irish wake? They're awesome!

My father's was so epic,

there was a cover charge and a two drink minimum.

The only crying that happened that day

is when the keg tapped out. Hello.

We do embrace every stereotype.

We... we recently took The Irish Comedy Tour

to an Italian restaurant in Iowa.

Because we need a new fucking manager!

Derek's on stage and the guy's pouring me a drink and he goes,

"Hey, know what? Your mick buddy is right.

All you harps ever want to do is drink and fight."

I said, "Sir, that's a stereotype

and I do not appreciate you perpetuating it.

Now, give me my beer before I punch you in the face."

I do. I love it. We're the only culture with a mascot, right?

The leprechaun. No other culture has that.

There's no mini guinea that I'm aware of, is there?

You catch him, you get his bag of gold chains.

Listen, every culture's getting it tonight, folks. That's it.

Because, like I said, the Irish embrace everything.

You know what I recently found out?

Do you know why they call the paddy wagon, the "paddy wagon"?

Because the Irish that immigrated here in the 1800s

were such drunken hooligans

that the police named the vehicle

they used to take them to jail after them.

You know what I thought when I heard that?

That's... awesome!

[Richards] If you were not doing this, what would you be doing?

[laughs]

I'd be behind a Dumpster somewhere

begging for change. That's the only...

That's the only skill I possibly possess.

If I wasn't doing this, I would probably be singing

the national anthem at cockfights.

That, or be a degenerate gambler. I could do that.

[Richards] If you weren't doing this, what would you be doing?

Be doing the same thing, I just might not be wearing this.

Or run a petting zoo. That might be interesting.

[Richards] If you were not doing this, what would you be doing?

Uh, your ex-wife.

[laughs]

Yeah, degenerate gambler.

We did an Italian restaurant in Michigan,

and there was no mic stand.

So when our guitarist went out on stage,

I actually had to stand there, like a moron,

with the microphone in my hand while he sang Irish songs.

We have come a long way since then, brother.

Funny story. We were playing in Detroit, Michigan

and we didn't have a mic stand.

-[laughter] -And... [laughs]

Ireland's beautiful. If you've been there, it's incredible.

It's an amazing country. It really is. It is.

-[applause] -People say, "Describe it."

I'm like, "Ireland has Seattle's weather,

Boston's drinking problem, and the culinary genius

of a middle school cafeteria."

Wow, does our food suck!

Emeril got arrested in Ireland for trying to smuggle in flavor.

Seriously.

Think that's why we enjoy the cocktails so much.

I love the Irish whiskey. I used to...

I used to drink Crown Royal.

A lot of it. Yeah.

-Crown drinkers in here? -[scattered cheering]

You know those... those bottles come in that purple velvet bag?

I saved up enough of those, I made a pool cover.

Two more, I would have gotten a sponsor.

Big fan of beer. I love Guinness.

I'm annoyed at American beer companies.

Like Miller Lite, for example.

God forbid they'd want to spend more time or money

trying to make their shitty beer taste better. Oh, no.

They want to make it come out of the can faster.

That brilliant campaign.

"Poke a hole in the can for a faster pour."

Let me ask you people something.

Anybody in here, I don't know, currently pissed off

at the speed of beer leaving your can?

I mean, how busy are you?

Hanging out watching the game with your buddies going,

"Come on!

Aw, Bob, what the hell did you buy?

This is bullshit! It's taking forever!"

That, my friends, is why Japan keeps kicking our ass.

And they're writing better software, building better cars,

not hanging out at some sushi bar,

six dudes with a bottle of sake going,

"Oh, if this could only come out of here fastah!

Some of the bitch."

Everybody wants to make their own beer.

I find that annoying.

Because you go in some place, you want to get a beer, right?

You walk in, they got 32 flavors on the wall.

You're like, "This is stupid."

And then they get all pretentious and elitist

about the ingredients, right? News flash, it's beer.

Bartender back there, "Oh, you should try

what our brew master concocted today.

Oh, it's dark, it's very hoppy,

it's made with artichoke hearts

and the tears of Somali war widows."

I hate you.

Two. Go.

[acoustic guitar plays]

Good morning, everybody.

-How is it hanging? -[laughter]

I walked into a bar last night with a steering wheel

down me pants.

The bartender says, "What's wrong with you?"

I said, "It drives me nuts."

As I was going over the Cork and Kerry mountains

I met with Captain Farrell and his money he was counting

I first produced me pistol and then produced my lager

I said stand and deliver You are a bold deceiver

With me ring dum a doodle um dah

Whack fol the daddy-o Whack fol my daddy-o

There's whiskey in the jar

Oh! That's all you get, come to the show.

-[laughter] -That's it, goodbye, guys.

[Richards] Being a Lions fan is like being

in a domestic assault codependent relationship.

[laughter]

You just always think the husband's gonna come home

and bring you some flowers.

And then he walks in stinking drunk and backhands you.

That is what it's like being a Lions fan every single week.

When you talk about Irish American comedy,

are we talk-- I'm assuming there's gonna be

a whole bunch of Jameson flowing and Guinness flowing.

Is-- is there a certain genre here? Irish American comedy?

What's the angle?

[Richards] Well, the whole idea behind the show

is that it's like an Irish pub

and a comedy show in a food processor.

I mean, if you could take all of Saint Patrick's Day

and cram it into a 90 minute show on stage,

that's exactly what we are.

And we've been doing it now since 2006.

We're just coming in from Milwaukee,

and gonna be in Grand Rapids tonight, of course,

and then over at 20 Monroe Live,

and then heading out to... flying out to Boston

tomorrow morning for Saint Patrick's Day.

[upbeat fiddle music]

♪♪

[cheering]

[man] You're doing one performance tonight

-at Visani's Comedy Zone. -[Richards] Visani, 8:00.

Tonight, correct. Absolutely.

[man] Ladies and gentlemen, leave the boys and girls

at home, go to the show, you're gonna love it.

Yeah, this is not one for the kids, that's for sure.

-No. -Bring bail money

-and a spare liver. -[laughter]

[man] Bail money and a spare liver.

I had a... I saw a great thing that was posted online, it said,

"I'd like to trade in my heart for an extra liver

so I can drink more and care less."

[laughter]

[music plays on radio]

[vocalizing]

[continue vocalizing]

They say dealing with a pregnant woman is difficult.

I never ever found that to be true.

Treat it like an armed robbery. Do exactly as they say,

nobody gets hurt.

I think guys have the wrong perspective, man.

My buddy Ace, his wife's pregnant.

Freaking out. Calls me up, he's like, "Man, she's getting fat.

She's getting bitchy."

I looked at my wife when she was with child

and I saw a beautiful, glowing designated driver.

"Here's the keys, you sexy beast. Let's get out of here!"

The nice thing is she went early with my daughter.

Eight months on the nose. Which was great,

because towards the end of her pregnancy,

we couldn't have sex anymore.

Well, not regular missionary style sex.

No, she's got the belly, I've got the belly,

my pecker's this big. It wasn't happening.

We tried. Mr. Happy looked like a frustrated trapeze artist.

Poor little guy. He's like...

"You're gonna have flip her over or something, boss!

I'm scaring it, but I'm not touching it! Oh!"

That's my impression of my angry little penis.

Oh!

I was actually there when both of my kids were born.

Any other gentlemen in this room fortunate enough

to see their child brought into this world?

-Any other guy? -[applause, cheering]

They say it's magical.

Not sure if that's the term I would attach to it.

It's a miracle, there's no doubt.

I'm glad I was there, but he didn't pull a rabbit

out of that hat.

And there are some visuals. [babbles]

That you take in that if the Men in Black could show up

afterwards and just go boop,

and you could forget all that shit...

Because at one point in time during the blessed event,

when you gaze down at your wife or girlfriend's hoobie doobie...

If you freeze time,

it actually has a screaming human head

sticking out of it.

It's a tough one to shake.

You know what I'm saying? It's like...

Ahh!

What the-- She's not gonna bounce back from that!

I have a little pecker as it is!

Now it's gonna be like giving a whale a Tic-Tac,

for godsakes!

Oh, thanks for laughing. That's my favorite part of the show.

Tell a theater full of people that I have a small penis,

and you laugh right into my face.

-[upbeat music plays] -♪ Damon, Damon

Play a song on your violin

Damon, won't you play a tune for me

-[laughs] -There they are!

-Nice job. -Wonderful to have you tonight.

Raise up the glasses. May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon you.

Ah, screw it, let's get drunk.

Remember last night at McGann's? I was going to give that broad

a nasty look, but she already had one.

[laughter]

An Irishman gets into a cab. Sits in the cab, shuts the door,

looks into the front seat and says, "Excuse me.

Do you have room for a six pack and a pizza up there?"

Cab driver says, "Sure." The Irishman says...

-[imitates vomiting] -[laughter]

Okay, here we have, ladies and gentlemen,

the rare McCarthy sloth.

You'll see him sleeping in the back there.

He normally runs around like a monkey with his crank on fire.

Usually gets excited whenever he sees pictures of Tom Brady

or the Red Sox schedule

or steak tips or crappy beer,

when it's on sale.

Or like meat specials,

like chicken wings for a dollar a pound.

Right now, though, he's sleeping.

Just so quiet.

So blissful. So relaxed.

And so not bugging the shit out of the rest of us.

[Keane] The slumbering Shrek.

A slumbering Shrek, as Derrick Keane calls him.

Take a good look.

Look at that little fat fuck sleep.

[laughter]

I spent some time living in West Palm Beach, Florida.

Was down there for 13 years.

Yeah, I was down there, that was a bad call.

Because I got this Irish skin, right?

Walk outside, go from pale to skin cancer

in like 20 minutes.

Burst into flames like some magic trick. It was ridiculous.

When I was living down there, my mom,

she still lives outside Detroit.

So the holidays would come around, she would always try

to find some new and improved way to get us to come

and visit her up north. Right?

She tried this one year. She goes,

"You guys need to come up here to Michigan for Christmas."

I'm like, "Why?" She goes,

"Well, up here it's Christmassy."

Say what?

She goes, "Snow on the ground.

Everybody knows snow means Christmas."

I'm like, "Ma, Jesus was born in a desert.

I don't recall Mary and Joseph

looking for a room on a snowmobile."

And it's not like they had the baby,

didn't know what to name it.

Somebody had to walk in from outside going,

"Jesus Christ, it's cold out there!"

I'm like, "Ma, Jesus was born in a desert in the Middle East,

surrounded by sun, sand and Jews.

I live in South Florida. Ta-da!

It doesn't get any more Christmassy than that."

Crazy decorations. You go to her place,

she got lights everywhere, big tree,

manger underneath the tree. Beautiful manger.

You know, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, all the little animals.

And then of course to truly recreate

the birthplace of Christ,

train tracks surround the whole thing.

Because as we all know, mass transportation,

readily available 2,000 years ago,

when Jesus was born.

Folks, if there were trains around back then,

I can think of at least I don't know, three guys

that would be really pissed off to find out about it.

Can you see the Three Wise Men trekking across the desert

on camels for weeks,

sweating their asses off following the North Star.

All of a sudden about a hundred yards off in the distance,

the 5:15 to Bethlehem goes blowing by them.

Little drummer boy drunk in the bar car laughing at them.

"Hey, fellas! ♪ Ba-rum-pum-pum-pa

For those of you that don't know me, I'm Damon. Damon Leibert.

The guy that doesn't say anything on the stage.

Play the fiddle. And I'm a leprechaun.

Oh! You caught me.

Let you in a trade secret. This is how this thing stays clean.

The only way you can wash this thing

is with a disinfectant.

This venue here tonight has this weird law.

You can't bring alcohol into it. Shh.

The secret ingredient?

Ah! Vodka.

[soft music plays]

♪♪

All right. Welcome to The Irish Comedy Tour

stuck in a snow storm blizzard traffic jam.

This is amazing. We have Damon Leibert here,

who's behind the wheel.

And we are going absolutely nowhere.

Look at all of this fun up ahead, kids.

Doesn't that look amazing?

This is March. This is March.

I don't get it. Wisconsin, I loved you

right up until this point.

Stella's in the other one, and Molsons are in there.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

When Wisconsin gives you snow, you drink beer on the highway.

Right? Got to accentuate the positive.

Sure you don't want a beer?

Saint Patrick's Day, my favorite holiday.

Absolutely, hands down, the best one.

It's the greatest holiday. I mean, you wake up,

you start drinking, you're done. Right? Yeah, man.

There's no presents to buy, no turkey to cook,

no eggs to hide.

I'm an alcoholic with two children.

Do you have any idea what a nightmare Easter is for me?

Easter morning my wife's like, "Where'd you hide the eggs?"

I'm like, "I don't know where I hid the eggs.

We should...

We should probably get some more eggs."

Patty's Day I normally like to spend in Boston

at the South Boston Saint Patrick's Day parade.

It's one of the best in the entire country.

-[cheering] -It's awesome!

But it's not as awesome as the one that I went to.

I don't know if you remember like 15 years ago,

some genius had a great idea.

That in addition to the traditional

Saint Patrick's Day parade, they would also have

a gay pride Saint Patrick's Day parade in South Boston.

What could possibly go wrong there?

Because the old school, hardcore Boston Irish are renowned

for their acceptance of other creeds, sexualities...

Are you kidding me? Kevin and Patrick are up at dawn

doing shots of Tullamore DEW.

When they finish marching, they go to Sully's.

They look out their window an hour later,

and skipping down L Street in a pink kilt

is Shamus McPolesmoker,

going, "We're here! We're queer!"

And they're like, "And your beating's gonna be

wicked fucking severe."

I would say it was three weeks ago.

We took The Irish Comedy Tour to Austin, Texas.

I have no words.

And as soon as we walk into the place,

I see this waitress go by with the biggest hamburger

I've ever seen in my entire life.

I said, "What is that?"

They said, "Oh, that's the headliner challenge.

If you eat the whole thing, you get free tickets to the show."

Five pound cheeseburger. I said, "That's the stupidest thing

I have ever seen in my entire life."

Guy goes, "That's because it's made for boys from Texas,

not some Yankee pussy in a skirt."

[audience] Ooh!

So now I'm eating this cheeseburger.

Six minutes I took that bitch down! Six minutes!

-[cheering] -Yes!

To prove that the Irish are just as stupid...

and as stubborn as people from Texas

by eating five pounds of beef, bacon and cheese

to get tickets for a show I was fucking performing on.

Hey, my name's Mike McCarthy.

Thank you all so very much for coming out.

Let's bring the boys back out on stage, sing one more song. Huh?

One more time from Dublin, Ireland, Mr. Derrick Keane!

From Nova Scotia, Mr. Damon Leibert!

And the founder of The Irish Comedy Tour,

from Detroit Rock City, please welcome to the stage

Mr. Derek Richards!

Everybody, Mr. Mike McCarthy!

Yeah! You guys have fun?

And so her eyes they shone like the diamonds

Oh, you'd think she was queen of the land

And her hair all over her shoulders

Tied up with a black velvet band

Let's hear it for young Damon Leibert

Musician extraordinaire

Oh, he's rarely quite sober

And he smokes the weird clover

And look what we got him to wear

From Ireland I'm Derrick Keane

A finer man you'll never hear

At Finnegan's wake A promise I'd make

And you still don't have your free beer

And her eyes They shone like the diamonds

Oh, you'd think she was queen of the land

And her hair all over her shoulder

Tied up with a black velvet band

Now a big hand for young Derek Richards

His talent you cannot dispute

Oh, he gave you advice and he told you think twice

About a Groupon prostitute

And from Boston There's Michael McCarthy

Ireland's drunk mick in a skirt

Oh, he have no fear when he drinks too much beer

With his helmet he'll never get hurt

Here we go!

And her eyes they shone like the diamonds

You'd think she was queen of the land

And her hair all over her shoulder

Tied up with a black velvet band

And we hope you all enjoyed your evening

Oh, we had a ball That's for sure

And we hope to see you all the very next time

On The Irish Comedy Tour

And her eyes they shone like the diamonds

Oh, you'd think she was queen of the land

And her hair all over her shoulder

Tied up with a black velvet band

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Damon Leibert!

Mr. Derek Richards!

And Mike McCarthy!

On guitar, one more time for Derrick Keane!

[cheering, applause]

[music plays]

As I was going over the Cork and Kerry mountains

I-- ♪ Where's the hands? Come on!

And his money he was counting

I first produced me pistol I then produced me rapier

Said stand and deliver for you are my bold deceiver

Mush-a ring dumb-a do dumb-a da

Wack fall the daddy-o Wack fall the daddy-o

There's whiskey in the jarBeautiful!

Oh, I counted out his money It made a pretty penny

I put in my pocket and I brought it home to Jenny

She smiled and she swore She never would deceive me

But the devil take your women

Because you know they can be easy

Mush-a ring dumb-a do dumb-a da

Wack fall the daddy-o Wack fall the daddy-o

There's whiskey in the jarGo on, play something.

[fiddle playing]

Mush-a ring dumb-a do dumb-a da

Wack fall the daddy-o Wack fall the daddy-o

There's whiskey in the jar

The Description of The Irish Comedy Tour