He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have a buffalo
take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole
of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called Dr. Jekll and Mr. Hyde.
I made it perfectly clear: DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME.
But from what I understand, people played it!
They didn't listen... But it wasn't their fault. I only showed about 1 minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length,
It didn't do any good. *Nerd sips beer*
I called it a piece of shit.
I called it an awful pile of steaming goat shit.
But that was honoring it.
I could've said anything that wouldn't have mattered. I could've taken a shit on it.
But my own shit would've been offended to lay on this loathsome piece of filth.
Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold!
I cursed the day I ever laid eyes on it. I cursed the plastic that holds this abomination.
My words are insufficient in describing the total insult to humanity that this "game" has provided.
Everything that I've ever said and anything that anybody else has ever said, is not enough!
It must be shown!
*Nerd drinks more beer*
(Bum bum bum, buddle-a-bum, bum.)
What's up with the guy on the cover anyway? He looks more like "Two-Face."
Y'know, I wonder where this guy is today. Did he even realize the magnitude of what he's taken part in?
He's the one who made me wanna play this game!
He meets your eyes with this "hypnotic gaze", luring you in, thinking that you're gonna play something cool!
But really, you've just been fooled. Like biting into chocolate covered shit.
You know this game was made by Toho? The same company that made the Godzilla films?
No wonder Godzilla's been extra pissed off lately.
You know that the proper pronunciation is "Jeeckul?" That's what the author of the novel insisted, Robert Louis Stevenson.
But only the first sound movie got it right, which was the one staring Fredric March and every movie since then said "Jeccle" and nowadays, that's kinda- I know. I'm only delaying the inevitable.
Y'know, puppy dogs in France in 1951 had a- ARRRGHH!
God dang it, let's do this.
(thunder as music changes)
(Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde theme plays)
(Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde theme plays)
Wait a minute. That music...
NERD: Okay, you ever played Rygar? Y'know, that action adventure game? Well, listen to this.
(music similar to Jekyll & Hyde plays)
Sounds familiar, right? Yeah. Alright, let's play some Jekyll and Hyde.
(Dr. Jekyll and Mr/ Hyde theme plays)
*drinks more tequila*
Here's the deal. If you die as Jeykll, you turn into Hyde. Die as Hyde, the game's over.
There's two ways to die as Hyde.
Number 1: The traditional way: Getting hit too many times.
Number 2: Getting as far as Jekyll.
Yeah, you know whenever lightning strikes and you drop dead in your tracks for no apparent reason?
Well, that's the reason:you got too far.
You see, when you're playing as Hyde,
you're actually playing the same stage that you played as Jekyll, but in reverse.
So, if you reach the same spot where you died as Jekyll...
as Hyde, then...
you die as Hyde.
Wrap your head around that!
*drinks more tequila*
The whole idea is to turn back into Jekyll.
You do this by killing certain creatures which relieve your Stress Meter.
You get the meter back down, and you go back to being Jekyll.
This is no town like in a Zelda game.
These people don't want to talk to you, oh, no. They simply want you dead.
For what reason? I cannot imagine.
Your only weapon is a cane, but it does nothing!
When I first played this, I thought I was doing something wrong. I mean, there's gotta be some explanation, right?
But no. There is none.
The cane has NO purpose whatsoever! Why would you put a weapon in a game that you can't even USE?!
When you're Hyde, it's like playing an entirely different game.
Ah! Help! Help! I can't walk backward! I'm getting scrolled!
Even when the steps come, you're forced to jump.
Even though the enemies here look far more threatening, you can actually fight back, by shooting crazy projectiles that the game calls...
It certainly travels in a wave-like path, and yes, I call it psychotic too.
With a pattern like that, you have to be lucky to hit anything.
Oh, and guess how you pull off the move: by pressing Up and B. Yeah, Up and B. Not too cryptic, but not too obvious either.
B punches, but why would you want to punch when you can shoot? It's not like you could run out of ammunition either, so the punch is worthless.
The irony here is that when you're Jekyll, it's unplayable.
But, when you're Hyde, it actually starts to feel kinda like a fucking game!
But you're not supposed to let yourself become Hyde, as if bad is more fun than being good.
That's the idea, right? Jekyll's good, Hyde is bad.
So why do the townspeople hate Jekyll? Shouldn't it be Hyde they're fighting against?
When you're Hyde, you're just defending yourself from evil monsters.
You should be going around the town beating people up, walking into bars, starting fights, getting drunk, raping women, and causing a ruckus!
THAT'S Mr. Hyde!
No, instead you're shooting fireballs at ghosts, demonic babies, and brains with legs.
Now, I'm sure the same thing is on everybody's mind:
Does any of that SHIT that happens in the game happen in the book?
Well, I HAVE read the book,
Although I can say the game is very true to the original title of the book,
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,
because this game is certainly a very strange case INDEED!
Supposedly, the Japanese version has more levels, while the U.S. version replaced them with some of the same levels, repeated.
So, I guess the Japanese version is... better?
Kinda like eating a skunk versus eating a skunk with a little salt on it.
All you do is walk to the right. Don't stop for anything.
It's not like you can attack, anyway.
Just keep walking, and walking, and walking, and occasionally jumping or waiting for a spider to move.
*groans* I'm actually out of breath from looking at this.
Why do you walk so slow?
You know what, it's not that you walk slow, you walk normal... like a real life human being.
But everybody else comes flying at you with all piss and vinegar!
What did the good doctor do to make everybody so upset?
I can see the townspeople sitting at the local pub, talking about him all day.
"Yeah, I see Jekyll, ya see him? Ya see him walking, he just keeps fucking walking! I don't like him.
He's an asshole. He wears his underwear backwards. He has eyeballs for testicles!"
Well, according to the manual, Jekyll's on his way to his wedding, and the kid with the slingshot, named Billy Pones, has a crush on Dr. Jekyll's fiancée.
Wow. I'm impressed. I didn't think there'd be a reason. But it doesn't explain all this other shit!
Who's this jackass with the bomb?
Don't you just hate it when you're walking down the street, minding your own business, and somebody puts a fucking bomb in front of you?
This is the worst part of the game. If you get hit by the bomb, it takes half your life, and sometimes all of it.
And the range of these bomb blasts is truly remarkable. You could be a mile away and it STILL hits you.
And each level has about a thousand of them!
Why can't the bomb kill anyone else? Is the rest of the town immune to bomb explosions? Even the spiders don't die.
Ah, these bees! Go away!
I killed a bee?
I KILLED SOMETHING!
The only thing you can kill in the whole game,
and it's a little tiny stupid FUCKING BEE!
*drinks some teqilla*
There's a grave digger throwing dirt in your face, there's a hunter shooting ducks out of the sky that conveniently drop on your head,
and there's a singing lady who hurts you with her musical notes.
Honestly, that's the explanation that they use in the manual:
"Her singing is so bad, it hurts you."
Not at all like the music we hear the whole fucking game!
Augh! I'm getting pwned by Billy Pones!
I'm getting charged by women in pink dresses!
I'm getting mutilated by rabid dogs and pissed-off cats!
Ergh! Watch out for the bird shit! The... Wha-wha-wha-wha-what?!
It's definitely shit... in a Nintendo game.
And are the birds shitting dog turds?
Yeah, look at it: they shit half their own size. That's not right.
Birds shit little white splatter pellets, not big brown coiled-up poop mounds. And they NEVER stop.
Geez, wouldn't this be a good reason to call off the wedding?
I mean, he has had quite a day.
Wonder how the bride's been doing?
She's probably worried about, I dunno, her dress or the color of the fucking flowers or some shit.
Next thing, the groom shows up covered in bomb ashes and bird shit.
"Sorry, honey, I'm late! I had quite a day. The whole-- all living creatures in the whole fucking town tried to kill me, that's all!"
*drinks some more tequila*
What makes him think the church is gonna be any better?
Is the priest gonna throw candles at him?
Is Jesus gonna climb off the fucking cross and start hitting him with it?
Is that statue taking a piss?
It's taking a piss!
Oh, great. Now there's birds shitting into the piss fountain.
This is perfect. Look at this picture. This sums up the whole game.
When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his story about a doctor who makes a potion that exposes his inner evil,
he didn't realize that the potion would become a reality.
Not in the form of chemistry, but through a late 20th century interactive electronic apparatus.
Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry...
All mixed together and calculated just right, THAT is a horrible concoction!
*drinks the last of tequila* *falls*
*growls again, then screams*
*tries to hit a cartridge with a cane*
*growls once again*
ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON!! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!
*digs up a skeleton*
*chokes the skeleton of Robert Louis Stevenson*
Skeleton: *laughs and chokes the Nerd*
*Nerd tries to hit a skeleton, but misses* Skeleton: *laughs again*
I am the devil! *laughs once again*
Now go play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr.
HYDE!!!!! Nerd: No!
Nerd: I think I get it.
Why, it’s the best game ever made.
It’s more than a game; it exposes the dual nature of the human spirit.
The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit.
You see, it’s a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde.
If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that’s the true conflict to the human soul.
And to deny the evil completely, would only force it to the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes.
People don’t wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town.
Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature.
No wonder the cane doesn’t work. The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions.
It’s a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed through real life.
It uses the Victorian era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust.
It’s a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation.
It eludes the Freud theory of repression,
in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind
and left to operate on their own... in the unconscious.
Or you could just say,
THE GAME FUCKING SUCKS!