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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Saturday Night Live - Anne Hathaway - November 20, 2010

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>>> Hello and welcome to "The

Rachel Maddow Show."

[ cheers and applause ]

I'm Rachel Maddow, and in a

cross-promotion with the new

"Harry Potter" movie, my haircut

will look like this forever.

Joining us today, new Republican

speaker of the house,

John Boehner.

>> Thank you for pronouncing it right.

You can imagine people have a

lot of fun with it.

>> Current speaker of the house,

Nancy Pelosi.

>> Hello, Rachel.

Hello, Boner.

>> And last but not least, a man

recently found guilty of 11

ethics violations,

Charlie Rangel.

>> I am somewhat innocent.

>> John Boehner, we start with you.

Your party claims it wants to

lower the deficit but won't

extending the Bush tax cuts to

the top earners add $700 billion

to the deficit?

>> Rachel, on election night the

American people spoke,

and they spoke loudly.

And the words they spoke were

stop the tax hikes and stop the

spending.

>> But surely you don't think

you can close the deficit gap

solely with cuts in spending.

>> Rachel, the American people

could not have been louder

or clearer.

True story, on election night I

was asleep and suddenly I heard

voices.

I went to my window and I opened

it up.

It was the voices of the

American people, and they were

saying loudly and in unison like

a great big barber shop quartet,

stop the tax hikes

and stop the spending.

>> So if your only measure to

lower the deficit is reducing

spending, what are some of the

programs that you would be

willing to cut?

>> On this sadly the American

people were not clear.

I yelled from my window,

American people, what specific

programs should we cut?

Their voices faded away

into the night.

The last thing I heard was,

"Stop The Tax Hikes!"

Stop the spending!

>> One last question, aren't you

glad I didn't mention the color

of your face?

>> Very funny.

>> We turn now to the current

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.

>> Hello, Rachel.

>> Madam Speaker, Republicans

are saying that America spoke in

the midterm elections, and

democrats need to completely

change the way they do things.

>> And it's such a good point, Rachel

and I do intend to follow the

wonderful example of Republicans,

who after the 2008 election

when the democrats took

the presidency and both houses,

completely changed the way they

did things.

I think we all remember how

helpful they became.

So willing to reach across

the aisle.

Oh, wait, I had that backwards.

They turned into a pack of feral dogs

guarding a turned-over trash can.

>> This week you held off a

challenge from within your own

party for your own

leadership position.

Does that bother you?

>> Nothing bothers me, Rachel.

That's why I always have the

same expression.

[ laughter ]

But I want to assure my enemies

that it will take more than one

election to take me down.

If you want to get rid of Nancy Pelosi

you'd better be ready to

cut off my head and bury it

separately from my body.

>> Nancy Pelosi, a woman who

always looks like she's watching

someone not use a coaster.

[ laughter ]

Joining us now, the Democrat who

had the toughest week, Charlie Rangel.

Welcome, Congressman.

>> Hello, young man.

[ laughter ]

>> Congressman, what was your reaction

to Thursday's censure?

>> Rachel, I did not deserve

this treatment.

I am a 20-term congressman.

I'm a decorated war hero.

I was awarded both the bronze star

as well as the silver pompadour.

Yet still I am attacked.

>> Well, you're under attack for

your legal troubles.

>> I'd like to make a

distinction.

People keep saying I'm having

legal troubles.

These are ethics violations.

I did nothing criminal.

I just did things that were

unethical.

Did I kill someone?

No.

Did I lie for the purposes of

getting money?

Perhaps.

When I say perhaps,

do I mean yes?

I do.

[ laughter ]

But I am not a criminal.

I am just a person that can and

should not be trusted.

>> Charlie Rangel, if you lived

in the Old West, he'd be the

bartender.

>> You got me.

[ laughter ]

>> Final thoughts, John Boehner?

>> Excuse me, Rachel, it's the

American people.

Stop taxes.

What else?

Stop spending.

What spending?

Hello?

Hello, you're breaking up.

Hello.

I lost him.

>> Nancy Pelosi?

>> I'm sorry, Rachel, it seems

my necklace has gone missing.

>> John Boehner?

>> Don't look at me.

>> Charlie Rangel?

[ laughter ]

>> What?

Give that back.

>> No, thank you.

Rachel, in closing, I just want

to say I'm proud to live in a

country where a man like Charlie

Rangel can be a congressman and

a 12-year-old boy like yourself

can have his own TV show.

>> And that's all the time we have.

And live from New York, it's

Saturday Night!

[ cheers and applause ]

>> Announcer: It's "Saturday

Night Live!"

With Fred Armisen

Abby Elliott

Bill Hader

Seth Meyers

Bobby Moynihan

Andy Samberg

Jason Sudeikis

Kenan Thompson

Kristen Wiig

Featuring

Vanessa Bayer

Paul Brittain

Taran Killam

Nasim Pedrad

Jay Pharaoh

Musical Guest

Florence and the Machine

And your host,

Anne Hathaway!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Anne Hathaway!

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> It's so great to be hosting

"SNL" again.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the

Thanksgiving show!

[ cheers and applause ]

All right.

I'm so excited.

And because my new movie,

"Love and Other Drugs,"

opens Wednesday.

[ cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

This movie, it's a real departure

from the kinds of movies

that I'm known for in that

it contains a substantial

amount of nudity.

And I have to say, the press has

been all over it. I mean,

well, here I am with my co-star,

Jake Gyllenhaal,

on the cover of this week's

"Entertainment Weekly."

And we were also on the cover of

"Jet."

[ laughter ]

And children's magazine,

"Highlights."

That was a fun shoot.

Okay.

Let me just get this out of the way.

Yes, it's very nerve-racking

to do nude scenes. But,

I believe that if it serves

the integrity of the story,

an actor should go for it.

>> Hey, Anne, sorry to interrupt.

>> It's okay, Andy.

>> I have a couple changes in

the boardroom sketch.

We're putting you in a curlier wig,

and we're changing the name

of the company to Techno Tech.

>> Okay, that's better. Yeah.

>> And also, we're going to need

you to be naked.

>> Oh. Um...

Is it important to the scene?

>> It is so important.

[ laughter ]

>> Then I'll do it.

>> Thank you.

[ laughter ]

>> Okay.

Where was I?

Right. Serving the story.

>> Hey, Anne.

>> Hey, Bobby.

>> Hey. How are you?

>> What's up?

>> In the turkey family sketch,

we made a few changes.

You're still going to have the

beak and the waddle, but other

than that, you're going to be

naked.

>> Oh, like a turkey that's had

all of her feathers plucked.

Oh my gosh, that's hilarious!

>> Yeah, wait so wait, you'll do it?

>> Yeah.

>> Neat!

Andy, it worked!

>> Everyone is so great here.

So anyway, it's a story --

>> Hey, Anne.

The funeral sketch --

>> Get naked?

>> Great minds.

>> Anyway, integrity is probably

my favorite word.

>> Anne, Anne, oh, Anne.

>> Hi, Kristen.

>> Hi.

You don't have to be naked to be

taken seriously as an actor.

>> That's not why I do it, Kristen.

Like I said, it's about the craft.

It's about art.

It's about trust.

And I really trust these guys.

[ laughter ]

>> Yeah, you weren't ever going

to get naked, were you?

>> Nah, I wasn't.

I just lied to make them happy.

>> And that's what Thanksgiving

is all about.

[ laughter ]

>> It sure is.

We have a great show for you tonight.

I'm so excited to be hosting again.

Florence and the Machine is here.

[ cheers and applause ]

So stick around, we'll be right back!

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> The following is a paid

advertisement.

>> Feeling lonely this holiday season?

>> Looking for a little human

interaction?

>> Do you want to feel contact

in certain special places?

>> Then why not go through

security at an airport?

>> The TSA.

>> TSA agents are ready and

standing by to give you a little

something extra to feel thankful

about this holiday season.

>> The TSA.

>> What are you waiting for?

I want to check under your

testicles.

>> Spending time with the TSA

agent couldn't be easier.

Simply book a flight departing

from any American airport.

When selected for a full-body

scanner, say no.

You'll be pulled aside by a TSA agent

and that's when the fun begins.

And you never know who your

agent will be.

>> It could be me.

>> Or me.

>> Or even me.

>> But it's probably going to be us.

Now take off your damn shoes!

>> The TSA.

It's our business to touch

yours.

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> Hey, y'all.

It's "The Miley Cyrus Show,"

with me, Miley Cyrus.

I got guests and a show

and I'm ready to go

so I guess that's pretty

cool

It's pretty cool

[ cheers and applause ]

>> Shello!

It's Miley, y'all.

So this is like my show where I like

talk to people that are pretty cool

and we'll like talk about things

I think are pretty cool.

And yeah, it's pretty cool!

Heading up the Miley Cyrus band,

over here we've got my dad,

Billy Ray Cyrus.

>> Miley, it's an honor to share

the stage with my baby girl.

>> Thanks, dad.

Okay.

So like, I thought I'd do something

new in my comedy monologue

this week.

So this is my little sister, Smiley.

And she's going to help me with

my comedy monologue.

Hey, Smiley, did you know that

the average American woman

spends 20 hours doing holiday

shopping?

20 hours?

That's like a full day.

That's crazy.

I know. It's crazy, right?

That was me doing the voice of

Smiley, y'all.

She's not my sister.

She's actually a puppet.

>> Oh, you had them fooled,

sweetie.

I talked to smiley for a half

hour backstage.

I thought she was just shy.

>> Dad, sh-knock it off.

Okay.

So as you've probably heard,

I'm sexy now.

So we're going to do a segment now

where we show pictures

of me being sexy.

Like here's one of me getting

steamy with a male model.

Here's one of me doing, like,

a, sexy, flirty wink.

Here's one of me doing a sexy

pose with a snake like Britney

Spears.

And here's me as Sharon Stone in

"Basic Instinct."

[ laughter ]

That's pretty sexy, right?

>> Ooh.

My little girl's growing up.

>> So, my guest tonight is a very

sexy lady.

Just like me.

So please give a big s-hello

to Katie Holmes.

[ cheers and applause ]

So, Katie Holmes,

you used to be on a show called

"Dawson's Creek" back in the 1900s.

[ laughter ]

So that must have been

pretty cool.

>> Oh, it was -- great.

My character, Joey,

was such a joy to play.

On the surface she just seemed

like another cute, popular girl but

beneath it she was this

incredibly complicated and

intelligent woman.

>> Yeah. Like me. So

there is something I've

always wanted to ask you.

Like how did you transition

into doing more adult roles?

And like what's the sexiest role

you've ever done and like

how many boys have you

kissed on screen?

And like who's your best friend?

And like who's Tom Cruise's

best friend?

And why does your baby wear high heels

and what does Jesus think of

scientology?

>> Wow!

That is such an interesting

array of complex questions.

>> Ooh!

Great job, baby.

You're like a pretty little Regis.

>> Dad.

>> You're my role model.

>> So Katie Holmes,

you played Batman's girlfriend in

the first ever Batman movie in 2005.

Which is pretty cool.

Because I just auditioned to play

his girlfriend in the next

Batman movie.

So, like, do you want to see my

screen test?

>> Sure, okay.

>> Okay, let's roll that clip!

>> We need to get out of here.

This whole place is gonna blow.

>> Oh, my god.

This is so scary and suspensful

and stuff like that.

And I'm in all this danger

and stuff like that.

And you're Batman so you're kind

of like a bat and a hot guy.

You're really sexy and it's

really scary and it's really

suspenseful, and I might die.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> So what do you think?

>> Yeah.

There's a lot of --

interesting complexity there.

>> And the Oscar goes to my baby

girl!

I mean, you melt my heart, my

achy breaky heart.

>> Well, that's our show.

My thanks to Katie Holmes.

>> Thank you.

The pleasure was --

>> Okay.

Thanks for watching, y'all.

Come on, Dad.

Let's do our song.

>> Yeah.

I got guests and a show

and we're ready to go

so I guess that's pretty

cool

It's pretty cool

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> Hi, everyone. I'm Mary.

I just want to thank you so much

for volunteering at St. Angel's

Thanksgiving soup kitchen.

These dinners are so fun.

Last year we ate and laughed

and partied

so hard that we didn't get out of here

until, like, 8:30.

I'm talking p.m.

>> I'm Lisa, and it's my first

time doing this.

I'm excited.

>> And I'm Lou.

And seeing all of these

wonderful faces here today, it

really warms my heart.

>> It warms my heart, too.

Mine's burning a lot, though.

It's like a little ball of fire

under my bra.

Can't say the pledge of allegiance

or I'll burn my hand.

Guess my heart's a little

warmer than yours.

>> Thank you. Penelope, was it?

>> As I was saying, Thanksgiving

is a special time for me.

An interesting fact, thanks to

ancestry.com, I just found out

that I had relatives come over

on the Mayflower.

>> My relatives came over on the

April flower.

They got here one month

before yours did.

>> All right.

Good to know.

Ooh.

I can see that people are

starting to arrive.

So I'm going to open the doors.

And everybody, let's get our

aprons on.

>> Come on in.

Come on in.

Happy Thanksgiving.

>>Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy turkey day.

>> Happy turkey day.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Just want to be the first

to say it.

>> Happy Fourth of July.

Probably get to see a lot of

fireworks because you

live outside.

>> Penelope...

I think I got this covered.

Why don't you go over there and

help serve the corn?

>> Mashed potatoes?

>> Yeah, please. They're my favorite.

>> Then maybe I can sneak you a

little extra.

>> I'll sneak you a little

extra, too.

Some corn. I'm just gonna

give you a little more

than she did.

Just give you a little more.

More than she did.

>> Wow, I am thankful for you,

lady.

>> Penelope, what are you

doing?

You can't give that much corn to

one person. Here.

>> Well, don't be so hard on her.

She means well.

>> Fine.

Just don't bring out any more

big silverware, okay?

Pastor Mike,

it's so good to see you.

>> Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Wow, look at all these turkeys.

And there's food here, too.

>> Oh, Pastor Mike,

you tell such good jokes.

>> Oh, thank you very much.

>> Is this thing on?

I tell good jokes, too.

Did you guys hear the one about the

peanut that went into Central Park?

It was a-salted.

That's my time.

You've been a great crowd.

>> Well, thank you Penelope.

Pastor Mike, I saved you a drumstick.

>> Don't mind if I do and when you

have a chance, come by my table

and say hi. The whole family's here.

All three of us.

>> My family's here, too.

There's 6 of us.

So, like double bigger than yours.

So, they're right over there.

>> Excuse me, Mary.

Some of people are wondering if

we can turn up the volume on the

football game.

>> Oh, of course, no problem.

I'd be happy to do that.

>> I'm already doing it,

so I'm just going to turn it up

a little louder than you would have.

>> If Pastor Mike wasn't here,

I'd kick that girl in the giblets.

>> Oh, she's just being helpful.

>> Oh, that's the longest pass

I've ever seen.

What's Sanchez doing?

No one's in the end zone.

>> Who is that?

>> It's me. I caught it.

Touchdown.

Thank you, Lord.

>> What is happening?

>> Does anyone want this football?

I can't play anymore.

I just tested positive for

steroids.

[ laughter ]

>> She is ruining this entire day.

She's acting like she's the

queen of Thanksgiving.

>> I am the queen of

Thanksgiving.

[ laughter ]

I now dub the Sir Waddle of

Gobble, so congratulations.

[ laughter ]

>> Really?

Penelope, really?

You're the queen of

Thanksgiving?

I'm the President of Wednesdays.

And you know what else?

I drive a tanning bed to work.

And if I clap three times, a

wiener dog appears.

And my dad is a chocolate chip.

And you know what else?

If I want to relax, I turn

myself into a pot of soup, so

[ laughter ]

>> Well, I guess all I can say

is that my tanning bed drives me

to work so I can read the paper

and have my coffee.

And if I clap twice, all the

dogs in the world get an extra

wiener.

[ laughter ]

My dad is a chocolate chip

cookie, so your dad is baked

inside him.

[ laughter ]

And when I want to relax, I shrink

into a pot of soup

and float around and use

a celery stick as a raft, so.

[ laughter ]

>> Oh! I don't even know

why I'm wasting my time with you.

This is a day of thanks

and you made it all about you.

>> Oh, Mary. Calm down.

Try to have some food and relax.

>> You're right. I'm sorry.

>> Mary, I think we have a

situation over here.

>> Happy Thanksgiving.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> I'm not thankful four

anything

I'm thankful five.

Which is a little bit more than you.

More thankful than everyone else.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Happy turkey day.

[cheers and applause]

>>> Hello, grandmama.

Hello grandpapa.

>> Hello, William.

>> Hello, my dear boy.

>> Of course, you remember my

girlfriend, Katherine.

>> It's a pleasure to see you

again, your majesties.

>> Yes, yes.

>> We want you to be

the first to know

that we are to be wed.

>> Katherine, we welcome

you to our family

with open arms and open

hearts.

>> Thank you.

I love your grandson very much.

And I'm honored to join the

Windsor family, your majesty.

>> I beg your pardon, Prince

William, telephone call for you.

>> Well, I'll only be a moment.

Do chat until I return.

>> Your majesties, William and I

have been walking on air.

It's all so brilliant and

exciting.

>> Shut up.

>> What?

>> I said shut your mouth.

>> What do you want?

>> I'm sorry, your majesty, what

do I want?

>> Is this what you want.

You see our setup here.

And you like it.

Yeah, little girl.

Want a piece of our palace

action. Eh?

>> You think you can just like,

show up and take over.

Do a bit of Queening and that, right?

>> Uh, I beg your pardon, your

majesty, but why are you two

talking like that?

>> This is how we really talk, love.

Not so nice, right?

But it gets the job done, don't it?

>> Your majesty, I promise I

don't want a piece of your action.

I want to marry William.

>> Well, if you're going to be

part of the family, you've got

to know the rules.

>> Oh, your majesty, your

secretary briefed me on all

royal etiquette.

>> I'm not talking about

salad forks, love.

This ain't "The Princess Diaries."

[laughter]

>> That's right.

Because that movie's crap.

Isn't it?

>> I think it has its moments.

What rules are you talking about,

your majesty?

>> First off, when it comes to

stuffing a palace, yeah,

don't go asking questions like,

"where'd you get this vase

or where that throne from?"

>> Cause chances are

we nicked it.

>> That's right.

Never forget that we are in

charge here, yeah?

You see that rope over there.

Phil, pull the rope.

>> Yes, your majesty.

>> Piss off.

>> Yes, your majesty.

>> Majesty, why did you call

them in just to tell them to

piss off?

>> Because we do whatever the

hell we want.

>> I'm back.

>> That was the first time I had

ever met Sir Winston Churchill.

>> So sorry, grandmama.

It seems there was a bit of trouble

with Prince Harry.

He was overserved at a party and

ended up crashing his motor car

in full blackface.

>> How dreadful.

William, we're just getting to

know dear Katherine.

Would you leave us be

for a few more minutes?

>> Oh Kate, grandmama has never

taken to anyone like this.

What joy.

I'll be back!

>> Nice little bloke, isn't he?

Used to be better looking, but

still.

>> Your majesties --

>> Look, drop the "your majesty"

crap, right.

Call me Debra.

>> All right.

Debra.

>> That's a clever girl. That's good.

>> When it comes to being a wife,

when you're out there waving

to a parade, you'll be Princess Di,

you'll be Princess Grace.

But in the bedroom,

think Fergie.

>> Oh my god!

That's horrible.

>> We're horrible people, aren't we?

>> Where's William?!

I've got to get away from you.

>> You can't get away from me.

Cause I'm on the money.

Ain't I?

>> I'm in your wallet.

>> William!

>> Oh, that is why

we ride in a carriage.

>> Sorry grandmama, but Kate and

I have to give a press

conference now.

Let's go my love.

>> Wonderful getting to know you

my dear.

>> Yes, please call again soon.

>> Good-bye, your maj --

good-bye, Debra.

>> I'll bet I could kick your ass.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> Announcer: "Weekend Update

with Seth Meyers."

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> Good evening.

I'm Seth Meyers, and here are

tonight's top stories.

>>> This year marks the first

Thanksgiving in which travelers

will get molested before they

get to their uncle's house.

[ laughter ]

Has anyone handled your bags?

Yes, you right now.

You know, if I wanted somebody

half-heartedly patting my groin

without eye contact,

I'd get married.

[ laughter ]

The TSA did say Tuesday that

children going through airport

security will no longer be

subject to the aggressive

pat-downs that have angered many

adult passengers.

Said terrorists, "loophole!"

[ laughter ]

>>> The British royal family

announced Tuesday that Prince

William is engaged to his

longtime girlfriend,

Kate Middleton.

"Well, there goes my chance,"

said a lady in Ohio to her cat.

[ laughter ]

>>> The house ethics panel on

Tuesday found representative

Charles Rangel guilty on

11 counts of breaking house

rules, and one count of

impersonating the lorax.

[ laughter ]

>>> Thanksgiving is next week.

which means a lot of people

will be preparing traditional

dinners for friends and family.

Here with some cooking tips is

the food network's Guy Fieri.

[cheers and applause]

>> Yeah!

Seth Meyers!

Setting fires.

[ laughter ]

>> I don't set fires.

>> It's on like donkey kong.

>> Okay.

Look, why don't we just get started.

>> Good call, meatball.

All right.

Let's get down to business.

Are you tired of the boring old

t-day grubbing?

Well, buckle up, put your

sunglasses on wrong and let me

help you make it full throttle.

[ laughter ]

Numero one.

Stuffing, Fieri style.

Super simple to make.

Four cups pancake chunks,

one candy apple whip stick,

and a quarter cup of raisins and

32 tablespoons of tequila

infused garlic butter.

[ laughter ]

>> Sounds kind of heavy.

>> Don't knock it til you

fry it, Seth.

I'm roughing up your stuffing.

Mmm!

I could eat this off a

flip-flop.

[ laughter ]

Full throttle!

Chow down, Seth hound.

>> No, I'm good.

So, what's next?

>> Number dos.

Cranberry sauce.

An old favorite.

But let's take it even further

off the hook.

Just splurp it out of the can

into a fifth of rumple minze and

garnish with raisins.

>> Can you even taste the

cranberry?

>> Trust me, you'll go Lansbury

for this crans-berry, because it's

dinner, she wrote.

I'd eat this off a moving

truck tire.

[ laughter ]

>> No, thanks.

That sounds like it's, like, 80%

alcohol.

[ laughter ]

How many of those have you had

tonight?

>> 37!

>> All right.

[ laughter ]

So what about like the main course?

>>Numbrero three.

The turk.

Now, I, for one, go berserky

for turkey.

But, gobble gobble.

Let's make it full throbble.

>> Did you say full throbble?

>> I think I may have.

If you think that's crazy,

then you will flip your bean

when you hear this.

A chicken inside of a duck

inside of a turkey inside of a

rabbit inside of a pig inside of

a baby cow inside of a big cow

inside of a horse all stuffed

into a cornish game hen.

[ laughter ]

It's called the

turducken-rab-pig-cow-cow-horse'

game hen.

>> That sounds oddly appealing.

>> Yep, and then you just fry the

whole thing in jagermeister.

And serve with raisins.

>> Why does everything make

have to have alcohol in it?

>> I'd eat this off a dirty plate.

Full throttle!

>> Guy fieri, everyone!

[ laughter ]

>> Love, peace, and pizzle grease.

>> Not everything has to rhyme.

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> George W. Bush on Tuesday

broke ground on his presidential

library in Dallas.

Bush said it has long been his dream

to give local teenagers

something to drink behind.

>>> This week the new Oxford

American Dictionary named Sarah

Palin's "refudiate,"

a word she first used on

twitter, word of the year.

Which brings us to a segment called,

"Come On Dictionary."

"Come on, dictionary."

Shouldn't the word of the year

be better than Sarah Palin's

accidental mash-up of refute

and repudiate?

And we know it was an accident

because Palin herself went back and

changed the tweet to say refute.

Yet then went back again

to twitter

and defended herself,

writing "Shakespeare liked to

coin new words, too.

Got to celebrate it."

Well there are a couple of

differences between Shakespeare

and Sarah Palin.

For one, when Shakespeare coined

new words, it wasn't by

accident.

He came up with words like

submerge and sneak.

He didn't just take two words

that kind of mean the same thing

and then smash them together to

make a third word that also kind

of means the same thing.

If you're going to make a word

from two words, have it mean a

new thing. For example,

gynosaur --

that's a gynecologist's dinosaur.

Irrespoonsible.

That's when you play fast and loose

with a spoon.

And lumberjerk,

the cashier that overcharged you

at Home Depot.

See also: woodscrooge.

Shakespeare crafted new words.

Sarah Palin got into a word

fender bender.

When Shakespeare did come up

with new words, he certainly

didn't say "got to celebrate it."

In fact, I bet he never said that.

"Shakespeare, what are you doing

at the club?"

"Just finished 'Twelfth Night.'

Got to celebrate it."

Finally we don't need refudiate

because we already have repudiate.

You can't just change the "p"

"p" in a word to an "f"

and then say you made a new word.

If it's that easy then I

just came up with one.

Here, I'll use it in a sentence.

New Oxford American Dictionary, please

stop rafing the English language.

>> This has been

Come on, Dictionary.

>>> Apple announced Tuesday that

the entire Beatles catalog will

finally be available for download

on iTunes. I guess that's why my

dad keeps asking me to drive him

to the iTunes store.

[ laughter ]

A group of 300 women in Ukraine

have become a fixture

on the country's political scene

with their practice of protesting

while topless.

Said Ukrainian officials,

"hey, no, stop."

[ laughter ]

A coffee shop in Brooklyn, New York

has been serving

20-ounce cups of espresso,

which is the equivalent

of ten shots.

All they ask is that

you leave the coffee shop

through the door.

[ laughter ]

>>> In a related story, demand

for the caffeinated alcohol

drink Four Loko surged this week

in New York.

After it was announced that the

beverage will no longer be

available here. Here to comment

is one of Four Loko's creators,

Chris Hunter.

>> Thanks for having me, Seth.

Let's do it.

>> Okay, welcome. So --

Chris, how do you feel about Four Loko

being banned in New York state?

>> That's a good question.

It's a shame.

It is a shame. People love it.

They want to buy it, but the

government is getting in the way.

>> Well, to be fair, college

students have been hospitalized

after using your product.

>> After misusing the product, Seth.

After misusing it, okay?

These college kids are drinking

the entire can.

What are they thinking?

It's called servings, kids.

You've got to look on the side

of the can.

>> How many servings are

in a can?

>> 120.

>> All right.

I'm sorry, why even serve it in

a can at all?

>> I don't know, it's easier to

carry around.

People are used to it.

Plus you've got cupholders in your car

made to hold the shape.

>> Yeah, but you shouldn't

be drinking and driving.

>> Yeah. Yeah.

>> Look. Seth, we're a simple company.

Five years ago me and my Ohio

State bros figure,

we were like, we love getting drunk,

getting drunk, but we can only

get so drunk because we kept

passing out.

We tried drinking jack and coke.

But I don't like jack and my

coke dealer got busted.

We came up with Four Loko.

I don't think it's that crazy of

a product. It's not crazy.

Why's it crazy? It's not crazy.

>> You do have crazy in the name,

Four Loko.

>> How so?

>> You do know that loko means

crazy?

>> I did not know that.

>> Here's the thing.

There's nothing crazy about it.

We took two legal products that

Americans love and combined them.

Caffeine and a buttload of alcohol.

I said to heck with this new law.

We're going to keep doing what we do.

And we got a brand new drink

coming out, okay?

It combines boxed wine,

milk, buffalo sauce and

fiberglass.

All right?

It's all legal stuff.

Here it is.

It's called the organ blaster.

Do not drink this one, though, Seth.

Do not drink this.

Your body will reject it immediately.

Crack it open, pour a little on

your arm.

You let it get in your pores.

You feel a nice little buzz.

We've also got one coming out

that combines doughnuts, KY

Jelly, cigarettes and a horse

tranquilizer.

It's called an Amy Winehouse.

You know what I say?

Get the original one while you

still can, all right?

>> Chris Hunter, everybody!

[ cheers and applause ]

>> Aw it tastes like Satan's piss.

>> Satan's piss?

>> Yeah, it's bad.

>> Keep that away from Guy Fieri.

Two men in Kentucky were

sentenced to probation

in connection with a case in which

a third man said he was forced

to eat his beard after an

argument.

Good old Kentucky,

where arguments end with forced

beard-eating.

[ laughter ]

>>> This past weekend more than 40

teams competed in New York in

the two-day

Quidditch World Cup Tournament

from the Harry Potter movies.

But then who, praytell, was

manning the registers

at GameStop?

[ laughter ]

>>> A new vending machine has

been developed in Tokyo that

uses facial recognition

technology to decide what

customers would like and make

suggestions.

They tried it in the U.S., but

the machine kept repeating,

"move it along, tubby."

And now with a very special

Thanksgiving message, our own

Jay Pharoah.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> What's knocking, Seth?

You know, I love Thanksgiving.

But I also love hip-hop.

I can't believe there's not a

hip-hop song celebrating my

favorite holiday.

Why do white people get all

the Thanksgiving songs?

>> Oh, I don't think there are

any Thanksgiving songs

for white people.

>> Yeah, there are.

What about "thank you for being

a friend?"

[ laughter ]

>> "The Golden Girls" theme?

>> Yeah.

Don't white people sing that at

Thanksgiving?

>> No.

>> Well, they should.

[ laughter ]

But, Seth, I think we need a

hip-hop Thanksgiving song.

So I'm here asking

some of my favorite artists to

put one out.

>> Okay, so like who?

>> Like Jay-Z.

A Thanksgiving song from hova

would be hot, right?

>> Yeah if Jay-Z did a Thanksgiving

song? Absolutely.

>> Yeah, as a matter of fact,

hit that beat.

When it comes to Thanksgiving

y'all know hova's the best

you eat the thighs while

I eat the breast

I'm thankful for my rhymes

the way I spit and talk

I'm thankful for Beyonce

and her badonkadonk

thankful for my money

and thankful for my crew

most of all I'm thankful

that I'm me and not you

hova. Ha ha ha ha.

Yep! That's your boy.

[ cheers and applause ]

>> Yes, that would be awesome.

That would be awesome.

I like that.

That's alot like my family's

Thanksgiving celebration, because it's

very aggressive.

[ laughter ]

>> You know?

If you like songs about family,

you'll love what I wrote for Drake.

>> You wrote a Thanksgiving song

for Drake?

>> Yeah, Drake from young money.

I wrote it. Yeah.

You know, Drake's song would have

something talking about his

dysfunctional ass family.

It probably goes something

like this.

Brothers at the table

cousins there too

drunk uncle walking

around trying to

choke you

big people table

little people table

fat cousins on the couch

game watching cable

tattoo on grandma

wants you to view it

got to drink a lot of

a whole lot of liquor

to view it

uh, yeah

[ cheers and applause ]

>> That was great.

I had no idea how much mine and

Drake's Thanksgivings were alike.

>> See?

Oh, yeah.

I knew it.

>> Me and Drake are a lot alike.

>> But you know who would

probably have the best

Thanksgiving hip-hop song?

>> Who's that?

>> I think the late great

Biggie Smalls would because --

you know what I mean?

He wrapped about food.

>> He did.

>> Y'all know he likes to eat food.

Well he did.

>> So you've got a Thanksgiving song

for Biggie Smalls?

>> Yeah.

>> We'd love to hear it.

>> I think it would be like this.

This is not a dream

macaroni and cheese in front

of me

eating stuffing and candied

yams

in the limousine

eating ham til I fall

mashed potatoes

gravy pumpkin pie ate it all

biscuits for days

chocolate cake and the pie

have another piece of pie

I'mma die.

like a bear

I want to hibernate til July

thanks for having me

but I gotta say goodbye

uh uh uh uh

>> You okay?

You okay?

That's the one, no doubt.

Jay Pharoah, everybody!

>> Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

>> Happy Thanksgiving!

For Weekend Update

I'm Seth Meyers.

Good Night!

>>> You're watching WXPD news,

New York.

>> Morning, everyone.

Our top story today, shots were

fired last night outside

of a midtown convenience

store and residents of a

50th street apartment building

saw the entire incident.

Our own veteran reporter,

Herb Welch, is on the scene.

And today he's celebrating his

60th year in broadcasting.

>> Hello, John.

[ laughter ]

Hello Herb.

And congratulations.

Now, tell us

what's happening down there.

>> I'm here with Maria Desylvia.

>> Desalvo.

>> What?

>> Maria Desalvo.

>> I don't know.

Why don't you tell me what happened?

[ laughter ]

>> I heard some shooting outside.

And the kids were looking out

the window.

So I told them, "get down."

>> Do you have any fun plans for --

for turkey day?

[ laughter ]

>> What?

>> Are you going to cook a bird or,

I don't know, some yams or

something?

>> We go to my mother's.

>> So there you have it.

Back to you, Jack.

>> Now, now,

wait a minute, Herb.

Why don't we ask her a little more

about the robbery like what

time was it?

>> What's that?

>> What time was it?

>> Oh. What time is it?

>> It's like 10:00 a.m.

>> It's 10:00 a.m., Jack.

You ought to wear a watch.

When I was an anchor, I always

wore a watch.

>> Herb, ask her what time she

heard the shots.

>> What time did you hear the shots?

[ laughter ]

>> I think around 8:30 but --

My... my kid saw

everything.

>> Thank you.

Take it away, Jack.

>> No, Herb, it sounds,

it sounds like the children may

have seen the shooting.

Why don't we talk to

one of them, Herb?

>> You call me Mr. Welch.

[ laughter ]

>> All right.

All right, Mr. Welch.

Ask who saw the shooting.

>> Who saw the shooting?

>> My boy, Ricky.

Ricky.

Come here.

Come here.

I got him.

Now, what do you want me to do?

>> Ask him what he saw.

>> What did you see?

[ laughter ]

>> I saw two guys come running

out of the store.

And they jumped into a little red car.

>> Who is your favorite

baseball player?

>> What?

What are you talk --

>> They didn't jump in a car.

They jumped in a van.

>> Who are you?

>> I'm his sister.

>> Stupid, it was a car.

>> It was a van.

You don't remember.

>> Yeah, I do.

>> Ow.

Hey.

>> Herb!

Herb! Herb!!

Quit hitting them with the microphone!

Herb, this is ridiculous!

Stop it!

>> Hey, I'm not going to take

reporter lessons from some

haircut.

>> Well, maybe you should

because you're a lousy reporter.

>> Hey, hey, excuse me, Jack.

All due respect,

I don't think you should yell at

Mr. Welch so much.

He's just a little confused, alright?

He was in a lot of different

apartments before we found him

in the hall.

Considering how old he is,

he's doing a pretty good job.

>> This broadcast by the way is

brought to you by Kale's brylcreem.

>> No, it's not.

>> You son of a bitch.

[ laughter ]

Ok Herb. This was a big mistake.

>> We apologize to you at home.

We'll follow up on that story

later.

Coming up, some local residents

are up in arms about asbestos

found in their building.

Oh and some sad news.

We just received word that

veteran reporter Herb Welch

died five seconds ago.

[ laughter ]

>> I'm not dead you bastards.

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

>>> Clear your calendars,

chug that coffee, and wake the kids

because this Friday is black

Friday at Megamart.

>> Black Friday.

>> It's the biggest shopping day

of the year.

And we're giving you incredible

savings with --

>> Megamart 12-minute madness.

>> This is the shortest, craziest

sale in retail history.

You have 12 minutes to rush in

and grab all the deals you can

carry.

It's going to be a savings

stampede.

>> Savings stampede.

>> Specials like iPads for $39.

3D televisions for $71.

And a secret unpublished

Harry Potter novel, Harry Potter and

The Treacherous Crawl Space

is available for only 6 bucks.

And there's only 7 left.

So line up early because we're

starting at 4:00 a.m.

>> Crack of dawn!

>> That's right, coked-up rooster!

At 4:00 a.m. we will fling our doors

open to anybody and everybody.

Just as soon as we finish

waxing and mopping the floors.

>> Slide into savings.

>> All the best deals are

located in the very back of the

store down a narrow aisle packed

with merchandise.

>> Fire hazard.

>> To make room for more customers,

we've removed our security guards.

People have already started

camping out in a tailgate

sponsored by Four Loko,

America's premier hillbilly

and Cholo fuel.

If you show up too late, you

will be humiliated.

>> I'm going to do whatever it takes

to get the 12x12

Finished in A Flash

Disney Scrapbooking Kit.

My states in order.

I've made peace with my god and

those around me.

I will get the 12x12 Finished in a

Flash Scrapbooking Kit, just you wait!

Whoo!

What a day for shopping.

>> Your shopping carts can only

be slowed by one thing, boxes.

Everyone on Megamart's 12-minute

frenzy will get a free box

cutter at the door.

>> Free box cutter.

>> And to keep the energy up

we've hired DJ Thunderthrust,

one of the top death metal

deejays in the tri-state area.

He'll be playing music so loud --

>> No one can hear you scream.

[ laughter ]

>> Finally, we're proud to have

93-year-old actor Kirk Douglas

on hand to sign copies of

his book, The Ragman's Son.

Kirk will be hidden somewhere in

the store.

And the first three customers to

find him and touch him will win

one free Kindle.

>> Catch him, touch him, win.

>> So strap on your combat boots

and running for black Friday's

12-minute madness at Megamart.

This is happening.

This is happening!

Get It. Do It. Own It. Megamart.

>>> Ok, people, we are working

through lunch today,

and I'd better start hearing

some good ideas.

>> I'm sorry, I ordered

chicken fingers, not camel toe.

>> Camel toe?

Not now.

Camel toe got you down?

>> You know it.

>> You're not alone.

>> You, too?

>> Camel toe affects millions of

women every day.

It's the result of wearing

tight-fitting clothes like

leggings, tights and other

activewear.

Camel toe puts your private

parts on public display.

>> How do you handle it?

>> With this.

>> Camel tame?

>> Camel tame with its sure-fit

strip creates a protective layer

between your clothes and your

business but ensures you'll

never have to face the

embarrassment of camel toe

again.

Camel Tame is comfortable, easy to use

and 100% effective. Every time.

You'll get noticed for all the

right reasons.

>> Okay, people, listen up.

>> I'm sorry, but --

>> Yes?

>> You have my full attention.

>> Thanks, camel tame.

Got camel toe?

Get camel tame.

>>> Thank you so much to

Florence & the Machine.

Thank you so much to the cast.

The crew. The pages. Lorne. Higgins.

Everybody. This was --

what a week.

I don't want it to be over.

Let's do it all again.

Thank you so much, everybody.

You're incredible. Thank you!

[ cheers and applause ]

The Description of Saturday Night Live - Anne Hathaway - November 20, 2010