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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Mock the Week S17 E10. Angela Barnes, Ed Byrne, Larry Dean, Ed Gamble, Kerry Godliman

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This programme contains some strong language

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the World

# News of the World... # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Read all about it Read all about it

# News of the World

# News of the World. #

Hello, and welcome to Mock the Week.

I'm Dara O Briain and joining me this week are

Ed Byrne, Kerry Godliman and Ed Gamble,

Larry Dean, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We start with a round tonight called

If This is the Answer, What is the Question?

On the board are six categories.

Larry, which category would you like?

World News, please.

Your topic is World News.

The answer is...

What is the question?

"How many items of shopping does it take

"before a Scottish person pays 5p for a bag?"

LAUGHTER

Is it, "Take the number of people that think Theresa May

"is doing a good job and multiply it by 27"?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Is it, "How many kisses can you put at the end of a text to

"your sister's boyfriend before he asks her to ask what you're doing?"

LAUGHTER

Is it, "How many dresses are there in the film 27 Dresses?"

LAUGHTER

Is it, "When the Bodyguard was on BBC One on Sunday night,

"how many people were watching Channel 5?"

LAUGHTER

Is it, "How many chameleons snuck onto the Ark?"

LAUGHTER

That would explain why they're bloody everywhere now, aren't they?

Tons of them.

Is it, "How old, in years, is my oldest bra?"

LAUGHTER

Is it, "What is the average life expectancy

"in the event of a no-deal Brexit?"

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE GROANS That's fairly Project Fear, I think that is.

All right, Jacob, calm down.

Is it, "What's my life expectancy?"

LAUGHTER

"What did I lose my job as a bingo caller for referring to

"as, 'one duck being shot in the back of the head'?"

LAUGHTER

Is it, "How many times will Jeremy Corbyn need to be circumcised

"before Jewish people forgive him?"

LAUGHTER

"How old do I feel with new Actinium Plus?"

LAUGHTER

"How old was the farmer wearing Ed's waistcoat when he died?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE In 1862.

Well, all I can say is, Mr Gamble,

I hope you get the weather you're hoping for.

LAUGHTER

If I can have the right answer, please...

Is it, "How many EU countries

"rejected Britain's plans for Brexit?"

Of course it is. Thank you very much, Hugh.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it is to do with the number of countries in the EU specifically.

"How many European Union member states

rejected Prime Minister Theresa May's plans for Brexit?"

What do you think of the EU leaders' response

to Theresa May's Chequers plan? It's not a surprise, is it?

She knew they were going to reject it

but she went there on a sort of charm offensive.

But she's Theresa May so she decided just to do without the charm

and just really double down on the offensive.

LAUGHTER

She's always got the look of someone

that's selling dodgy electrical gear at a car-boot sale.

LAUGHTER

I can't watch it any more. I just find it too cringey,

just watching all the EU leaders get on well apart from her.

She just... She reminds me too much of what I was like

in secondary school at a party.

I think you're expecting, in a minute,

she's going to look at the EU's CD collection.

LAUGHTER

Just in a corner somewhere going, "Oh, yeah..."

I thought about this the other day.

Like, "What are we going to be talking about

"when we're not talking about Brexit?"

And then I thought, "We're not going to have time to talk.

"We'll be too busy

"mugging old ladies for their penicillin prescriptions."

LAUGHTER

Here's the three main things that I'm worried about in the trade deal.

OK. Orangina, Pom-Bears and French kissing.

LAUGHTER

In that order.

If we can secure all those things, I'm happy to go ahead with Chequers.

LAUGHTER

Well, one of them is that it might affect flights

to other EU countries.

And again, I just think that's going to be the last thing

we're worried about under a no-deal Brexit

when we're, you know, too busy

sucking off a greengrocer for a cabbage.

LAUGHTER In the first morning? Surely...

Let us get to the end of the week before we have to fellate retailers

just to get basic provisions.

Why didn't the Remain campaign put that on a bus?

LAUGHTER

Because I'd be scared about the amount of people...

A picture of a hearty greengrocer holding a cabbage,

going, "What will you do for this?

"What will you do to get your hands on this after Brexit?"

I mean, that raises a lot of questions.

The first being, "How much do you like cabbage, Angela?"

LAUGHTER

I'd have done that maybe for a cauliflower

but I'm not sure for a cabbage.

No, I really like sucking off greengrocers. LAUGHTER

Well, that's an upside anyway, I suppose.

SOLEMNLY: You're lucky if you can find one these days.

Tell me about it, Hugh.

This is the most English conversation ever.

OK, sucking off chip-shop owners.

LAUGHTER

Will someone tell Larry what a cabbage is?

It's pet passports as well, isn't it?

Pet passports is a huge thing. Oh!

You might have to wait up to three months to get a pet passport.

So, you have to plan, won't you? Yes.

That's going to take all the spontaneity

out of a holiday with Rover, isn't it?

The old carpe diem weekend in Brussels.

I mean, three months doesn't sound like a long time,

but in dog years...

DARA GASPS

How are they going to implement it?

Is there going to be, like, a bin at security

where you throw your guinea pig?

LAUGHTER

Or you can bag them up in a clear plastic bag.

LAUGHTER

You don't need them for guinea... No, you don't.

There are only three pets you need them for... Yes.

..which are dogs, cats...

..and ferrets. Why?

That's going to affect TENS of people!

LAUGHTER

I've never sat beside somebody who's bringing a ferret on holiday.

It would just be an hour of sitting by somebody

who's just doing this with a ferret, running over their hands.

LAUGHTER

You look like you're doing t'ai chi, Dara.

I am. It's very good. It's very centring.

I hate to be a doom-monger here but, you know,

in the event of a no-deal Brexit,

we're not going to be worried about taking our pets on holiday

because we will have eaten them out of desperation.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, and with a side serving of cabbage.

LAUGHTER

I wondering if people are now going to smuggle

their pets over the borders,

and then we're going to have to use drugs to sniff them out.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just going, "Rover, keep calm, keep calm."

Walking past, there's a big line of coke all the way to the end.

"Anything to declare, Monsieur?"

"No."

The hat's jumping wildly on your head.

HE MAKES ANIMAL NOISES

Jumping furiously.

I'm Type 1 diabetic and, genuinely,

the majority of synthetic insulin is made in mainland Europe,

and there might be problems with importing that.

So, I've genuinely now started stockpiling insulin

so, after Brexit, I can sell it to more desperate diabetics.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

In other news, what was revealed

about the so-called Croydon Cat Killer?

Well, it was a fox, wasn't it?

What, a really sexy cat killer?

It was a combination of foxes.

They reckon it was actually just cats getting hit by cars,

and then foxes eating their heads.

LAUGHTER

The police came in for criticism

cos they'd spent thousands of pounds

trying to track down the human killer of all these cats.

Yeah. The notion was that this was a potential serial killer

just learning how to be a serial killer by attacking cats.

Hang on. Why would there be any indication

that it is a potential serial killer?

Cos, a lot of the time, they do start off with animals,

on a serious note. Is that true?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a waste of time

cos they spent thousands of pounds and it turns out to be a fox -

but they got the killer, didn't they? They found...

There wasn't a photo coming with the story of a fox

with his little paws behind his back going, "Yeah, yeah."

LAUGHTER

"And I'd do it again!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They said that the remains had been...by foxes.

They just didn't go, "It's him again! It's him.

"It's Reynard!"

"You will never catch me! Ha-ha!"

The... But it's a... It was that...

There isn't "a" fox. They haven't captured...

No, but they did do their job, didn't they?

So, they're being criticised for not...

Well, no, only if you think if someone walks into your house

and goes, "We've investigated your burglary and it was,

"dun-dun-dun, a person!"

LAUGHTER

I think this is all...

We're forgetting that 400 cats died here,

and what's really tragic about it is

most of those cats wouldn't have been there

if they hadn't been still waiting for their passports.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think this is about police cuts, basically.

We're going to see more crimes blamed on foxes.

LAUGHTER

It's a good way of covering your tracks from now on.

If you're going to commit a crime, just leave a fox shit at the scene.

LAUGHTER

"Ha-ha! He has struck again!"

LAUGHTER

Does this apply for any crime, by the way?

Absolutely.

Like the Hatton Garden robbery?

LAUGHTER

Going through to steal the diamonds, do a tiny stool and, erm...

You... What...? You... Did...?

That's me trying to do a fox shit.

LAUGHTER

Dara, you've really gone round the houses there.

I was suggesting you source some fox shit in the farm...

Obviously you'd get some fox shit.

Not go... Not try and shit in the shape of fox shit!

"I have been training my anus

"and eating nothing but cats' heads."

LAUGHTER

That would be a brilliant part... A brilliant part of...

You know the scene in the heist movie where

there's like, "I'm the explosives guy."

"I'm the computer guy.

"I'll knock out the alarm system."

"Well, I'm the guy with the blackboard

"who'll work out the driving."

"What is HIS job?"

"I shit like a fox."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Kerry and Ed.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now we play a round called You Brexit, You Bought It.

This game... LAUGHTER

..involves Larry Dean and Ed Gamble.

So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel of News, and, wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is Travel.

So, I was having a wank in Dubai...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It wasn't planned.

Well, most of them aren't, are they?

I just was outside having some lunch

and I lowered my cutlery and went, "It's time."

That's enough Vitamin D.

Time for some Vitamin Me.

LAUGHTER

And I went up to my room, right?

And I opened up my laptop to watch some of the gay porn,

cos I'm gay.

I didn't need to clarify that, did I?

I don't think there's anybody watching this,

thinking, "Oh, he's straight and he watches gay porn.

"How progressive of him. Well done."

So, I tried to watch some of the gay porn, right?

But I couldn't cos the gay porn was blocked

cos it's illegal to be gay in Dubai -

which is weird cos there is gay bars in Dubai.

Oh, not gay bars.

Prisons.

LAUGHTER

So, since the gay porn was blocked,

I had to watch some of the straight stuff.

Long-time listener, first-time caller.

LAUGHTER

So, I was watching the straight, amateur porn, right? And...

Amateur as well, cos amateur's better -

cos when you watch amateur porn,

there's a little bit of you that thinks, "I can do that."

LAUGHTER

It gives you a good self-esteem boost.

Same reason why I watch Scottish football.

LAUGHTER

And so, when I was doing my thing over the straight stuff, right?

A knock on the door happened and I thought,

"I'd better answer the door cos they might have a key to the room."

So, I got up quickly and I put my willy down in between my legs,

into stealth mode.

LAUGHTER

And I pulled my trousers up,

and I started walking towards the door, like that.

And I opened up the door, and a guy was just standing there,

and he handed me a chocolate bar and then walked away.

I still do not know, to this day, why he did that.

I've never been so confused in my whole life.

Cos I took the chocolate bar off him and I shut the door,

and I started walking round the room thinking,

"Oh, my God, maybe there's a camera in here."

LAUGHTER

They've seen me watching straight porn

and now they're training me, like a dog, to do it again.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, that leaves us with Ed.

Let's see what your topic is.

Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is Diet.

So, my last job was handing out chocolate bars in a Dubai hotel.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE I try and stay healthy.

I listen to all the wrong people about health, though.

I started reading health blogs.

Like health bloggers - they're always the same sorts of people.

They're sort of posh, young women in their early twenties.

They say things like, "First thing in the morning,

"to energise yourself, why not have hot water and lemon?"

Hot water and lemon to energise.

There is no way hot water and lemon is energising me in the morning.

The only way that would happen would be

if I squeezed the lemon in my eye and poured the water on my dick.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I do not want your hot water and lemon

because I am not a kettle that needs descaling.

LAUGHTER

The other thing they all talk about is something that I like to call

the Cauliflower Conspiracy.

I don't know if you've heard about this.

This is the idea that if you like to have anything unhealthy,

you need to replace that immediately with cauliflower.

The worst offender for this is cauliflower pizza.

I tell you what this is. Right, they say,

"Oh, it's like normal pizza but you take away the dough base

"and you replace it with a disc of mashed-up cauliflower."

So nothing like normal pizza.

LAUGHTER

I made one. It took me six hours.

The first thing you've got to do is grate the cauliflower.

Now, I don't know if you've noticed,

the cauliflower is not a shape for grating.

It's not a shape, is it? It's just chaos. It's everywhere.

It's so fragile, when you touch it to metal,

it immediately explodes -

it's like you're in the middle of Frozen.

LAUGHTER

You end up with this vegetable dandruff.

You put it in the microwave.

You warm it up, that makes it really wet,

you have to get the moisture out of the cauliflower,

then you have to pat it down into a rough base shape.

Then they say, "Choose the topping. Whatever you like.

"You can choose whatever topping you like."

And I think we can agree I had lost most of my day up until this point.

So, "I thought I'm going to claw a victory back

"right at the last minute."

So, the topping I chose was a whole Domino's.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Well done, both of you, and the points there go to Larry Dean!

Sit back down.

Our next round is called Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image and

ask them to tell me what is happening. So what's going on here?

Is he writing a terrible review for the Tory Party Conference

on TripAdvisor?

No, he's tweeting Dara to tell him he is not happy with the

anti-Corbyn bias.

I think it's just nice to see Jeremy Corbyn looking comfortable on

a front bench.

Is it Britain's loneliest wizard on his way back to Hogwarts?

This isn't a very interesting photo, is it? It isn't.

It's like it's a "Where's Wally?" picture

and even Wally couldn't be arsed to turn up.

Is he setting an alarm

to water his courgettes?

"Oh, another dick pic from Blair!"

It is... Shall I tell you what that photo is?

Yeah, go on, tell us, put us all out of our misery. Yes.

It's Jeremy Corbyn.

It is Jeremy Corbyn! Thank you very much, Hugh.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it is the Labour Leader, Jeremy Corbyn.

The annual Labour Party Conference was held in Liverpool this week,

where the party discussed backing another referendum on Brexit,

economic reforms and changing the rules on deselection of MPs.

So what did the party eventually decide about another referendum?

They're going to need a bigger table.

Essentially, yes, because it's quite the buffet of options

for the Labour Party!

Maybe you'd like a little bit of this with a little bit of cabinet,

and a little bit of Norway maybe? Num-num-num-num-num!

Yeah, I think they eventually settled on that they're not...

They're not taking any options off the table.

That's how much of a fudge this is.

We have decided not to eliminate anything.

Everything is still on, whether, you know...

John McDonnell said, "Definitely not,"

and then Keir Starmer went, "Shut up!"

Yeah. So that's now on the table. That's back on the table.

It's not that I'm opposed to another referendum,

but it's the fact that they keep calling the People's Vote...

Who did they think were voting before?

Dogs. Was it our pets, and now they don't get passports?

What happens is, that's why they've found so many of those cards

with a little fox shit on them.

But it wasn't really fox, or was it, Dara?

Ah-ha! I strike again! Mmm...

If it was dogs voting last time, that explains a lot

cos there's no way a dog is going to vote to stay.

The whole thing, it's government by Magic 8-Ball.

Shall we leave the EU?

The future is uncertain.

APPLAUSE Press on with that.

Clearly, it's like one of these...

We can go, you know, why have Labour stepped out of this debate?

Why have they not been involved in this debate for two years?

That's all very well if they were standing back

and just, you know, being strong and united but they're not.

They're standing back and they're about as united as

a fucking synchronised swimming...

No, that is united.

They must be very united.

What is Labour's response to Brexit? Do you know?

No-one knows!

They have proposed a thing. They have proposed a thing.

They said that it is very important there should be...

They've got the six-point test. The six test. Ah!

Our Brexit plan is played by tricks,

come and answer our questions six!

No-one can see it. No. It's question the second. Yeah.

No, it's Deliverability, Bashful...

LAUGHTER

Why was Corbin criticised after a recent television interview?

He wouldn't apologise for being...

Well, for allegations of anti-Semitism.

Are we still talking about this? Yes.

The only thing that's gone on longer than anti-Semitism in

the Labour Party is just anti-Semitism.

What he said was, "I will die fighting racism."

I thought, "No, probably a stroke on your allotment."

They have just handled it so spectacularly badly

that even Gordon Brown had to step in and go,

"Come on, guys, you need to sort this out."

When Gordon Brown is trying to sort out a rift in the Labour Party,

that's like the wino outside Londis telling you

you need to sort your life out.

That one worked. Yeah. The synchronised swimming thing... No.

Although, actually, having a synchronised swimmer outside

Londis telling you to sort your life out also, I think, would work.

You know you've got to do - you've got to sort your life out.

LAUGHTER

MUMBLING

Spin round. Yeah, you go round and round and round,

and you go there with one leg up.

Why are all synchronised swimmers Cockneys?

They're all Cockney!

And return.

I just find it amazing how, like, easy it should be for Corbyn to

actually be a viable Prime Minister but he keeps messing up.

There was a poll recently that 36% of people like Theresa May,

and think she'd be a viable Prime Minister,

23% think Corbyn would be, and 39% don't know,

so confusion is in the lead in the polls.

It's all to play for.

What did party members make it easier to do?

Deselection. And reselection.

So they would be able to get rid of sitting MPs.

What they should do is get rid of the lying ones.

Oh! Oh!

Do you know what? That was the angry sex equivalent of telling a joke.

Why won't you leave me?!

All I wanted was a cabbage!

Moving on... Erm...

According to scientists, what takes a third of a second?

To fall in love. Well, decide you fancy someone.

Decide you fancy someone, yeah.

Following in love was overstating it slightly.

It doesn't take a third of a second to fall in love -

it takes a third of a second to go, "I would."

It is basically... I can prove it now, Dara.

Look, would, would, not now I've seen that.

I'm glad you stopped there, by the way.

LAUGHTER

It leaves the mystique in our relationship.

Dara, how long did it take you to fall in love with Brian Cox?

Don't you dare!

You take that back! You take that back!

He's just a better version of you.

Tell him it's not true! Tell him it's not true!

No. It's not. It's not.

I'm going to take you to space and back!

There's Uranus.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Come on... Come on!

And all your humour is over there.

I literally only bring a notepad to make it look like

I've thought of stuff.

IN IRISH ACCENT: Oh, di, do, de, do, leprechaun.

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Angela, Hugh and Larry!

Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See,

so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,

I will read out this week's topics,

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go.

The first subject is...

Masel tov!

Why are we having this conference in Blackpool?

Two words - cheap cocaine.

Jeremy Hunt is having a heart attack!

Is there a doctor in the house?

Why are you laughing?

So we'll be having one speech from a Remainer,

a speech from a Brexiteer, another speech from a Remainer,

another speech from a Brexiteer,

and then Boris Johnson will drop his trousers.

So that's in, out, in, out, shake it all about.

What this conference has taught me is that this party needs more women,

because the hotel bar last night was an absolute sausage fest.

Welcome, delegates, to this year's Liberal Democrats Conference.

Conference, Conference, Conference...

So, to those who say we have alienated too many groups in

society to get elected, let me say this -

fuck off.

I know some of you have been challenging my leadership,

and to you I say,

bring it on, ya bawbags!

Some have said that the Labour Party has lost contact

with its working-class roots, but I say to these people

the same thing I said to my driver this morning,

"Do not address me directly."

So, now we have sorted out Brexit...

LAUGHTER

They told us Brexit was undeliverable.

They told us Brexit was unworkable.

But where are they now?

They are outside with banners saying, "I told you so."

Right, it's the Green Party Conference,

and now it's time to break for lunch.

Who ordered the veal?

I'm afraid Rees-Mogg can't be with us today -

someone hung garlic at the threshold and he can't pass through.

APPLAUSE

So everything is still on the table.

Why has no-one cleared the table?

It's incredible to think that some people think of us as a cult.

Anyway, could you all just line up

while Jeremy Corbyn chooses his wives?

Of course the Tories are like regular people.

You should have seen us in the bar last night.

Giles' wet nurse downed a whole bottle of port.

We have had soft Brexit, we have had hard Brexit,

but now we have a more digestible alternative -

Ready Brexit.

OK. The next topic is...

Hmm... Interesting.

I think it might be fox.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

Sierra, Alfa, Disco, Poker, Nipple...

Actually, I've got no idea what I'm talking about.

After seven very tedious seasons,

finally things pick up on CSI: Salisbury.

I want photographs of the body.

I'll take an 8 by 10 canvas, a key ring and a mousemat.

There are 16 different semen samples in this bed, Sarge.

I should've read the TripAdvisor report on this hotel.

And as you can see from the chalk outline,

the victim had a tiny head and was sitting on a giant circle.

Sorry, I think that's a disabled parking space.

So your crime number is one, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero...

Oh, my God, you're our millionth customer!

I'm really sorry what happened to your husband.

Welcome to the new detective show from the north-east,

CSWHYAYE: Newcastle.

Two inches to the left and that bullet would have

gone right through your eyeball,

but, as it is, it went through the other eyeball.

Oh, God, I have to go to the morgue.

He's always eating a sandwich.

We get that you're desensitised, well done!

Everybody, get down...

..cos this is disco!

Look, I am genuinely sorry that your father never hugged you,

but when I said, "It's the police, open up," I...

OK, then, what I suppose we can deduce is either the victim

was naked and extremely well endowed

or who ever drew this chalk outline is very immature.

On the doll, please show me where you were grabbed by the President.

Ms Harris, I'm sorry to have to do this

but we want you to identify a body.

This body...

# Da da da! #

No, but, seriously, there is a body and we think it's your fiance.

Huh, 14 bullet wounds to the head -

classic suicide.

Oh, wait!

Maybe it's a man pretending to shit like a fox.

Welcome to Sun Hill police station.

I'm PC EverybritishactorsfirstTVgig

and this is Sgt ToouglyforHollyoaks.

APPLAUSE

At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Kerry and Ed!

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Ed Byrne, Kerry Godliman and Ed Gamble.

CHEERING

Commiserations to Larry Dean, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.

CHEERING

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.

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The Description of Mock the Week S17 E10. Angela Barnes, Ed Byrne, Larry Dean, Ed Gamble, Kerry Godliman