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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Masters of Disguise Compilation

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- Hey guys, welcome to another compilation.

- How are you guys doing?

This one is going to be all about who's who,

what's what.

- Transformations.

- Total disguise.

- Sometimes you can't even recognize

which cast member's playing what.

- Like I'm actually Natalie.

- And I'm actually Stacey.

- So.

- So stick around, see if you can figure out who's who.

- Hey Mal, are you in here?

- Maybe.

- Do you know where Uncle Pete is?

He has a guy outside waiting for a job interview.

- Uh, nope, don't know where he is.

Sorry.

- Come on, Mal.

You're his secretary.

And what are you doing in the closet anyway?

- Nothing.

Just go away!

- What?

[gasps] Mal!

[shushes]

What did you do to Uncle Pete?

- Nothing, okay?

He just passed out after his third bucket of chicken.

It happens all the time.

So I'm going to do his interview for him.

- Why don't you just reschedule the interview?

- Because the guy was super cute,

and we really hit it off in the lobby,

and I don't want him to take another job.

Okay?

This is what Uncle Pete would want.

- No, no, no, I am pretty sure that uncle- okay.

Okay, Uncle Pete would not want to be shoved

into a closet and then have all his clothes stolen.

- There's chicken everywhere.

Okay, okay.

- Hi, Uncle Pete.

Are- are you ready to see me?

- Um, yes, it's a pleasure to meet you, young man.

Leave.

[groans]

- Thank you so much for this opportunity, sir.

It really means a lot.

- Uncle Pete don't shake hands.

Uncle Pete gives long, lingering hugs.

[sighs contentedly]

- Do you mind if we get started on the interview?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

Sure, yeah, mighty fine idea.

Oh, we're men!

Uh, did you bring your resume?

- Uh, yes, sir, it's right in here.

- Just hanging that on...

Oh yeah.

- Uh, here you go, sir.

- Thank you, sir.

Oh, this looks great.

Now how many years of work experience do you-

Do you have?

- Uh, five.

- All right.

And your referrals?

- Yes, three.

- Past girlfriends?

- Seven.

Wait, what?

- That was not the response we were looking for.

- I'm sorry, how does that relate to the interview?

- Because I seen your type.

You'll leave as soon as a hotter company comes along,

and this company ain't getting any younger,

and it wants a baby company before it's too late!

- No, no, I'm completely committed.

- To me?

- Yeah...

I- I've been known for my doglike loyalty.

Woof, woof.

[giggles]

- You're adorable.

You're ugly!

You get out!

Get- no!

Stay!

Stay forever!

Sit!

No- you know, let's talk business.

- Okay.

- You distract me.

You fool.

Now- okay, let's talk some business ethics.

Just going to...

I'm perching.

Nope.

All right, all right, now, let's say-

Oh, the hat.

Got lost for a second in there.

All right- all right.

Let's say that the only way you can get this job is

if you dated my secretary, Mallory.

Would you do it?

- No, that would be completely unethical.

- Fail!

You think you're too good for her?

She could look exactly like me,

and she would still have it.

- S-sir, I think I'm going to go.

- Oh no, okay?

This company is all about comfort, all right?

So you're not uncomfortable.

We even have casual Fridays.

- Well, I guess that's a nice perk, but...

- Yeah, you better believe it.

My only requirement is

that you let me choose the jeans you wear for it.

- Yeah, I'm feeling uncomfortable again.

- No, we'll go on down to the mall,

and you do a little jean fashion show.

I'm thinking Levis,

but you should pursue all your options, you know.

- Uncle Pete, you want to wrap this up?

- Woman, don't tell me my business!

Now get!

Get!

[groans]

I just got- I got testosterone-- a lot of it

because I'm a man.

- Yup, okay.

All right, I'm going to get going.

- Oh, you know,

the last part of the interview is very important.

Can you listen close?

- All right.

- Okay.

You're going to do push ups,

and I'm going to watch while I drink this smoothie.

- What?

- I've heard enough.

- Uncle Pete, I'm sorry.

- Mal, you've done wake me up from my daily food coma

with your tomfoolery.

- I can explain.

- Nope, now get out of here before I fire you.

- Bye.

- No, no.

- Thanks, Uncle Pete.

That was one of the most awkward experiences

of my life.

[chuckles]

- Uncle Pete don't shake hands.

Come here, boy.

[applause]

- Wow, I'm quite nervous.

This is the most prestigious group on campus.

- Yeah, whatever, bro.

- Hey Franklin!

- B-frank!

- What's up guys, we got a new guy,

James Madison.

- Oh what's up, Tom Jefferson.

- Uh, hey man.

- Alex Hamilton.

- Oh hey ma- man?

- Man.

- Why does everyone ask that?

- So you want to join the Founding Fathers, huh?

- Gee, would I!

- Well first, you've got to impress Washington.

- Who?

- George Washington led our troops

to a winning season this year.

- Right, yeah.

- Almost got suspended for the rowboat prank.

Oh.

- What was that?

- He got some rowboats and ruined Christmas

for some Hessian foreign exchange kids.

Classic.

- Almost got away with it too,

but then he tagged himself in some oil painting

on Faceledger.

- He sounds kinda cocky.

- Dude, not at all.

- Oh.

- Let's see, I got the quarter, the dollar, the capital,

my own state,

my face carved in the side of the mountain,

but I could use a giant spike

with my name on it.

- That was a great battle, man.

You were tearing up the field.

- Yeah, I was!

I cannot tell a lie!

- What?

- Who's the new guy?

- James Madison.

- He wants to join the Founding Fathers.

- Oh does he now?

Well how about for initiation he faces Jefferson

in a write off?

- Oh!

- Oh gee, fellas, my parents tell me I'm too young to write.

- Plus, what if Benedict rats on us again.

- No way, man.

Writing is part of colonial life.

- Hey, one dollar says Madison can't hold his prose.

- Make it two.

- Ten.

- Hundred!

- Well, okay.

- All right, so the first one to lay down

a historically significant document wins.

Quills up!

Write!

All chanting: Write!

Write!

Write!

Write!

Write!

Write!

Write!

Write!

Write!

Write!

Oh!

- Jefferson pulls a win!

- Got a declaration for Britain, baby.

All men are equal.

- Oh, wait up?

Even if you're not a male landowner?

- There's a footnote.

- Okay.

- All right, what you got, Madison?

- I call it the Constitution.

- A bunch of rules?

- I thought we could make a government.

- Okay, government's good, but we need some pranks in here.

- Yes, yes!

- We're pranking the future Americans?

- Wait, wait, wait, I got it, I got it,

We'll pretend it's a democracy,

but then we'll give little states

as many senators as big ones.

[yelling]

- Okay, but everyone gets to choose the president, right?

- Right, right, right.

As long as you're from Ohio or Florida!

- I don't know, it still makes too much sense to me.

- Then let's add an electoral college.

All: Yes, yes.

- No!

You're ruining politics,

you're making a system where everyone's mad at each other

and no one knows what they're talking about.

- Guys, we need some hazing!

- Yes!

- How about this, if you want to join politics,

you either got to be on Team Elephant or Team Donkey.

Or better yet, better yet, Team Tea Party.

- Oh man, that sounds girly.

- Hamilton could join.

[whoops]

- Okay that is it!

That is it!

Fifth amendment, you can remain silent.

- First amendment, I can say what I want.

- Go in order!

- Second amendment, tell that to the heater package.

- Whoa!

- Look, I may be a little androgynous--

- That's giving you a lot of credit.

- But the only girl that I see in here

is that sissy, Aaron Burr.

- You want to dance, tough guy?

- Let's go!

- Come on!

What?

- Come on!

[whoops]

- Okay, come on, take it outside.

- They're just letting off a little steam.

Nothing will happen, I'm sure.

- Yeah, no, it's fine.

- All right, where were we?

- That's it, you're all acting immature and irresponsible.

I don't know if I want to be a Founding Father.

- What is this?

- I don't know.

Sam Adams made it.

- No one should ever drink this.

- I don't want to stand around and have you take my ideas

and take all the glory

and leave me historically underrated.

- Listen Magelby,

- Madison!

- Look, if it means that much to you,

we'll put you on the five-dollar bill

and the penny.

- You really mean it?

- Yeah, unless someone cooler comes along.

[applause]

[bell ringing]

- Okay everybody, take a seat.

All right, this is the test

you've been preparing for all year.

No pressure, but if you fail, you will not graduate.

- Oh no. - Oh no.

- Matt did you know we had a test?

- Uh yeah, who didn't?

- We didn't.

- We didn't study for this at all.

- Guys, this is a really important test.

- Is it, Matt?

Is it?

- Are you actually asking?

Because the answer is yes.

- Matt, we need Grandma Tildy.

- Yeah!

- No!

Besides, it's Stacey's turn to be Tildy.

- Dude, our future is riding on this test.

Come on, please, man, come on.

- I can't believe I'm doing this.

- Yes.

- Mrs. Madsen?

- Yeah?

- May I go to the bathroom?

- I don't know, may you?

Oh, actually that was the right one.

Uh, yes you may, but hurry back,

this is a timed test.

- You guys owe me.

- Dude anything, except for expensive things.

- Or just money in general.

- Okay everyone, I want nothing but your best work today.

This is the test we've been preparing for all year.

And once you have your test,

there is no talking and absolutely no cell phone use.

- Dude, where is he?

- Ah, he's betrayed us.

Quick, kill me so I don't have to take the test.

-No. -Jab it in the neck.

- Excuse me.

- Oh, yes, can I help you?

- Yes, I'm here to collect my grandsons, Adam and Stacey.

- You two are related?

- Yeah, we're going to commit to that.

- They're cousins.

- Really?

- Well they're not identical cousins.

- Well I'm sorry,

your grandsons have to take a very important test.

Can this possibly wait, miss?

- Uh, Tildy is the name.

Grandma Tildy from Tennessee.

- I grew up in Tennessee!

- Oh, good.

Uh, lovely place, isn't it?

Or is it?

- What part are you from?

- Oh...

Small town.

I'm sure you've never heard of it.

- No, really, try me?

- All right, it's called... Nashville.

- Nashville.

- Have you heard of it?

- Of course, Nashville's huge.

- Oh, well cities grow up so fast.

It was smaller in my time.

- I guess that's true.

- Of course, so was my waistline,

am I right?

I'm sure you know what I'm talking a,

you look lovely.

What do you do?

Hot yoga?

What are the kids up to these days,

Zumba?

- Listen, your grandsons need to take this test

in order to graduate.

- Is that so?

Well sounds like an important test,

one that you would have to be a fool to forget.

- I really must insist that they stay.

- Well, you heard her boys,

I'll just go wait for you in the shade of an apple tree.

Well nice to meet you.

- Yeah like--

Oh, ha-ha, whoopsie doodles, oh.

- It's fine.

- What are you doing?

- What?

I'm not setting fire to your tests,

I'll tell you that.

- So what are you doing?

- Is this not a candle?

I thought it was a Yankee.

It's paper.

It's paper.

My mistake.

- You know, for an older woman,

you have suspiciously youthful skin.

- Oh, sweet of you to say.

You know, lots of moisturizer and prayer.

- What year were you born?

- 1927.

- So that would make you how old?

- Oh!

- Oh grandma!

- Oh, cardiac arrest and such.

- Oh, let me call you an ambulance.

All three: No!

- I can't ride in ambulances, it's against my religion.

- Really?

- Oh yes, we can't ride in loud vehicles after 1:00 o'clock.

- It's 12:30.

- We shouldn't risk it.

Off we go.

Careful boys I have osteo ponorisis.

- I hope they're okay.

- Yeah, good luck.

- I hope that old lady's going to be okay.

- I know, I hope so too.

- Isn't it Stacey's turn to be Tildy?

[applause]

[crickets chirping]

[creaking]

- Mom?

- What?

What is it?

- There's something under my bed.

- Sweetheart, how many times do I have to tell you

that there is no monster under your bed?

- It's not a monster.

It's Grammy award-winning artist Pitbull.

- Oh, listen.

Pitbull isn't real, okay?

You need to go back to sleep.

I love you.

- You too.

[door closes]

[pop music begins]

[laughs]

[whimpers]

Pitbull: ♪ I know you haunt me. ♪

You know I haunt ya. ♪

I know you haunt me. ♪

You know I haunt ya. ♪♪

- Mom!

[music stops]

Pitbull: Dale.

Aaron: It was him again.

You gotta believe me.

- Come here, baby.

I understand.

I used to have Pitbull nightmares too.

- But this was real.

He just kept saying the same words at the end of each line

as though it was an actual substitute for a proper rhyme.

It was terrible.

- Listen to me closely, okay?

There is no one living under your bed.

Okay, look.

Pitbull: Dale!

- What was that?

- It was just a creak from the bed.

I have to go back to sleep, okay?

- Okay.

[door closes]

♪♪

[laughs]

Me gustan chicalines, las que saben cocinar. ♪

- Mom!

- What was it?

- I don't know, but it sounded degrading!

One, two, three, four. ♪

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro. ♪♪

Aaron: Mom!

[music ends]

- What?

What happened?

- He thinks I don't know how to count to four in Spanish.

[groans]

- I don't know how else to say this to convince you.

I mean, if Pitbull were really here,

I'm sure I could just say something shallow and creepy

like "girls on the beach" and he'd pop right up.

[laughs]

- Ah!

Oh no!

Your room really is featuring Pitbull.

Aaron: What do I do?

- Don't worry, baby.

According to legend, we can banish him

if we just close our eyes and say "Miami" three times.

Both: Miami, Miami, Miami.

- Mr. 305!

[Pitbull screams]

- [whispers] Calle ocho!

- I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

But you don't have to worry anymore, okay?

The bad man is gone.

- Okay.

- Okay?

[sighs]

I love you.

- I love you too.

[door shuts]

- Oppa Gangham style.

♪♪

- Mom!

[sinister laugh]

♪♪

[beads clinking]

- Hello.

- Oh, hello.

Welcome to Marwan the Mystic's...uh, place.

How may I provide the help to you?

- I was wondering if you could tell me-

- Your fortune?

- Yes.

- Oh, really?

Usually people just ask for directions to bathroom.

But I always say 'your fortune?'

and I'm right, like two percent of time.

Sit.

Sit.

-Thank you.

Um, I'm just looking for any insights you might have.

I'm thinking about switching careers.

- Hm.

Well the crystal ball says that would be very boring.

But it could be fun though.

- Oh, okay.

Um.

Any idea which one it is?

- Well, the ball for sure says it will be boring.

- I see.

- But it could be fun though.

It could be.

- Sorry, I'm confused.

Do I listen to the ball or to you?

- Probably the ball to be honest,

it's pretty accurate but it could be wrong though.

It could be.

- How often is it wrong?

- Oh, like never.

But it could be.

You know, anything could happen when you have

a dream in your heart and a twinkle in the face.

- Okay.

Maybe I'll just go with the ball.

Yeah.

- Does it say anything about my vacation next week?

Will I, you know, meet someone special or something?

- Oh no, it says there is trouble ahead.

- Does it?

- Yes, terrible calamity that is not good.

But it could be fun though.

It could be.

It could be very fun.

It could be the worst thing you have ever experienced

like you want to gouge eye out with spoon or something.

But it could be fun though.

It could be.

- Do you know which one it is?

What does... what does the ball say?

- Well, the ball thinks it knows everything

and it's like this is for sure going to be bad,

but I think it could be fun though, you know.

It's hard to say, it's 50/50.

It's definitely not the middle.

It will either be super fun or the worst thing ever,

just a hands down disaster.

You will be crying and the loneliness,

you'll call your mother, but it could be fun though.

It could be.

- Okay, what would make it fun?

- Oh, you know, anything could be fun,

it's all perspective really.

- Anything could be bad too.

- It could be, it could be.

It could be very bad, but it could be fun though.

It could be.

- I'm just going to cancel my trip.

It's not worth the risk.

- But why?

- It's fine, it's just a cruise.

It's not like a wedding or a Beyoncé concert.

- But what if it's fun though?

- What if it's terrible?

- It could always be terrible.

- It could always be fun.

- Ah-ha!

- Dang it.

- Look, don't let the ball scare you

even though it's super accurate,

especially when it comes to bad things.

It is like a prescient little glass doomsayer.

[tinkling and wind]

The end of the world approaches.

Armageddon is nigh!

All will be darkness and screaming.

No one will escape the suffering.

But it could be fun though.

[exhales]

- Okay, how about this.

Crystal ball, should I listen to you or to Marwan?

- It says listen to spleen?

No, heart.

That's a heart.

I don't know what organs look like.

[sighs]

- Okay, thank you ball.

Thank you Marwan.

- Wait, what did you decide?

- I don't know

but I know I am going to be the one who decides it.

- Oh, that's deep.

And ultimately very bad for my business.

- Yes.

But it could be fun though!

- Aaah.

Actually that's trademarked, please don't use it.

- Sorry.

- It's fine.

[beads clicking]

- Excuse me.

I was just wondering-

- Your fortune?

- Bathroom.

- Down hall, second door.

♪♪

[audience cheering]

- Matt?

Matt, are you home?

- I'm so worried about him.

He hasn't answered his phone in a week.

- Matt?

[surprised yells]

[groans]

[gasp]

- Oh!

Hi, guys!

- Matt!

What happened?

- You look--

- Different?

- Largely different.

- I've filled in a little, but I've never felt better.

[screams]

How are you guys?

- We've been worried about you.

But now, I feel like maybe we weren't worried enough.

- Oh, sorry I haven't been answering your calls.

My phone is in my back pocket,

and I can no longer reach that area.

- What has happened to you?

- I have been on a cleanse for the last month.

- You gained all that weight on a juice cleanse?

- Not a juice cleanse, a bacon cleanse.

- You've been eating nothing but bacon for a month?

- Never felt better.

Oh!

That was my last chair.

- Matt, you can't just eat bacon for every meal.

That's not how cleanses work.

- Of course that's how cleanses work.

You pick one thing and eat only that thing.

Juice, bacon, bacon juice.

- That's grease.

- I've heard it both ways.

- Matt, this isn't healthy.

Just look how much weight you've put on.

- I'm fine!

[screams]

See?

- Are we going to talk about that?

- It's just something the body does.

- No, Matt, you need to see a doctor.

- Ha!

I am as healthy as an ox.

And weigh as much as an ox.

- Matt, you need a more balanced diet.

- Bacon has everything you need to survive, Mal.

Meat.

- You can't live on just meat!

- Explain that to a lion!

You know, sometimes--

I stood up too fast.

Oh!

- Ah!

- That was unfortunate.

- When was the last time you exercised?

- When did Shrek come out?

- 2001.

- I've never exercised.

[grunts]

- Well, at least he has to get up to cook the bacon.

- Actually, it's precooked,

and I have it delivered by Amazon drone.

Sometimes it just hovers above my head and feeds me.

Like an angel dropping bacon manna from heaven.

- So, you get no physical activity?

- I chew.

Usually.

- Ugh, Matt.

You can't live like this.

- And yet here I am, living, breathing, sweating

in strange places.

But if you go on like this, you're going to die.

- Everyone dies, Mallory.

Not everyone truly lives.

[screams]

[screams]

Okay, maybe I'm not well.

But I can't stop now.

My cuddling opportunities have increased ten-fold.

- Matt, your everything has increased ten-fold.

- You're right.

I do admit,

it'd be nice if I could fit in my bathtub again.

- You haven't been bathing?

- No, I have.

There's a fountain at the mall...

And now that I've said that out loud,

I'm ready to make some life changes.

- Yeah.

- Would you help me go buy some fruits and vegetables?

- Yes.

Of course.

- Thank you.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh.

Goodbye old friend.

I've enjoyed our time--

[screams]

Let's go before I die.

- Come on.

Come on.

♪♪

- Miss Rosewater, on the night of the robbery,

the defendant claims to have been at your house

helping you fix your car.

Is that true?

- Well, not exactly.

- Can you tell us what happened, then?

- Yes.

My car had been making some weird noises,

so Josh agreed to come over and check it out.

He got to my house around 6:30,

but he forgot his tools.

[strange noise]

- You know, she got that look in her eye, baby.

My fourth husband had that same look

and he killed lots of people.

Yeah he did.

- Ma'am?

Please, keep to yourself.

- Yeah, I am Mr. Judge, I am.

- Thank you.

- Go on.

-So, he said he'd come back the next day,

and then we just went inside and talked.

- Cahoots!

Oh, I can feel it in my bones!

Baby sweet Georgia Brown, they're in cahoots.

- Ma'am!

I need you to just listen.

- I'm listening, I'm listening real good

because I'm going to solve this crime, all right.

Mama-J is on the case.

Don't y'all worry.

- Just listen.

- Oh my ears are open, Mr. Judge,

just like my home.

I'll make you some cookies.

You like snickerdoodles, Mr. Judge?

When I looked at your face, I thought, snickerdoodle.

I thought, know what?

That's my gift.

I'll be as silent as my dead third husband.

He was a smoker, you know, died in a plane crash,

it was nasty.

- Okay.

Let's keep going.

- So, Josh left my house at about eight.

- Guilty!

She's guilty!

I know she did it.

- She is not a suspect.

- Join me brothers,

Have mercy, hallelujah, ♪

Have mercy, hallelujah! ♪

Hallelujah! ♪

- Stop singing.

- My mind's eye, my mind's eye is saying that she is, guilty!

Guilty!

Guilty. ♪

Woo!

- Ma'am!

- I'll be silent.

- Thank you.

- And that's all that happened.

- Hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers,

and blue moon, she innocent!

I knew she was innocent.

Y'all need to change.

Y'all need to change.

She good.

- And what did you and Mr. Gotliev talk about?

- I don't know, work.

- Blood!

Blood on her hands!

- Ma'am!

I need you to settle down

or I am going to have you removed.

- I am so sorry Mr. Judge, sir,

but there's so many twists and turns to the case,

it's like watching a game of chutes and ladders!

[gavel pounding]

- Sit down.

- Fair enough, Mr. Judge, fair enough.

As for you, Miss Lawyer, keep doing what you're doing.

- Thank you.

- Miss Testifier, you keep lying.

Mama-J going to be right here

if y'all need a hug or something.

[sighs]

- Did you talk about anything other than work?

- I think he mentioned visiting his sick brother.

- I need to say something.

- No!

- I got to get this off my chest.

- Ma'am!

This is inappropriate.

- I robbed the store!

And I rode away on the police horse.

- What?

- It was me.

I did it!

I've been thinking about it, Mr. Judge,

and it all makes sense.

- We have video surveillance, it was not you!

- It was, Mr. Judge.

I am guilty.

Last year I didn't give a homeless fellow my change,

and these things, Mr. Judge, sir, have a ripple effect.

It is my fault the universe is collecting against me.

Take me to jail, baby!

Come on.

Amazing grace. ♪

How sweet the-- ♪♪

DECEPTION!

It's a jailbreak, y'all!

Everyone grab the snickerdoodles and run!

Hallelujah! ♪

Hallelujah! ♪

♪♪

[crunch]

♪♪

- Guess who?

- Could it be my girlfriend

that I haven't seen for a month?

- Oh, I missed you!

- I missed you too.

- Oh.

[audience cheers]

[clears throat]

[coughs more forcefully]

Yeah.

[clears throat]

Did you not see the sign?

- You mean that poorly hand-drawn note, officer?

- Uh, Full Lieutenant of the Volunteer Precinct Williams

to you,

and look here, ma'am, if that is your name, in fact,

in this park,

that I voluntarily patrol on my lunch breaks,

there will be order.

And that begins with--

come here real quick--

no P. D. A.!

Is that clear?

- Yes sir.

- Okay, do me a favor.

Get on out of here.

Go on, get!

[indistinct conversation]

[squeals]

[clears throat]

- What?

- Mhm.

- Sorry.

- I'm sorry.

- Can you just-

- Oh, watch out.

- Oh, just...

- Can we just go?

- What are you doing?

- All right, let's just go around the back.

- Come on, now, watch out.

- Oh!

- Is there a problem?

- Did you not see the sign, boy?

Oh, hold on now, doggone wind just picks up,

and here we go right here.

There we go.

- You just posted that there.

- I just posted that here!

- Ah!

- Uh-huh.

Yeah.

And I learned this one

from Kung Fu Panda 2 special features.

So why don't you keep your hands to yourselves so mine-

Watch out!

Yeah, so that mine don't have to get involved, all right?

- Come on, officer.

You were young once.

- Uh, Full Lieutenant of the Volunteer Precinct to you,

and no, I was never young once.

I was born with the brain and body of a portly 55-year old.

It's a rare genetic disorder.

- That's not a real thing.

- Bam!

That's me right there.

Yeah.

While those kids were sucking their thumbs and eating glue,

I was filing my taxes

and watching reruns of Gilligan's Island.

Mhm.

You can hold on to that one for later.

- I don't want it.

- So why don't you and you get on out of here

with that hanky- tootle -went-to-town mess

before I have to break something?

All right?

Go on, get.

Get!

Go on, get, folks!

I'm going to get you.

- Elizabeth Jane...

[gasps]

I love you so much,

and I promise I will never give you any reason to doubt it.

[screams]

[plopping sound]

[ducks quack]

- Crisis averted.

- What is it?

What happened?

- Girl, did you not see the sign right there?

- But today is special.

I was going to propose to my girl-

- Oh, oh!

Back it up.

One more salacious or tantalizing move,

and I will pepper spray the hormones out of both of y'all.

When I was 5-years old,

I witnessed my granddaddy hug my grandmammy,

and she died ten years later.

Now I know 1.3 different languages

and I will pepper spray on all of them.

So get out of my park!

- You can't be-

[screams]

I said go on, now, get!

Too much indecency in the world today.

Oh, what have we got here?

You know what?

They going to learn today.

- Mister President, he wants to speak with you directly.

- Or what?

- He'll blow up the earth.

- Fair enough, put him through.

- Mr. President, are you sure?

This is unprecedented.

We have never dealt with extraterrestrial life before.

- We don't have any other options.

Do it!

[intermittent signal]

- Greetings earthlings.

My name is General Zordex,

leader of the planet Switerra.

And I am here to destroy you.

- Why?

- Because two weeks ago,

a member of your staff purchased a star

which happened to be my planet's sun.

- I beg your pardon?

- Do not deny it Mr. President.

I have the official document right here from Starnamer.com.

- Listen General,

I can assure you no one on my staff--

-[coughing] Mr. President,

I may have unknowingly purchased his planet's sun

as a 25th wedding anniversary gift.

- Commander, how could you?

- I'm sorry sir, I had no idea.

- No, I mean how could you purchase

such a lame wedding anniversary gift?

- His wife was so upset, she made him sleep on the couch.

- That's too much information General.

- Tell them what you named the star.

- Never.

- Do it Commander, that's an order.

- [mumbles]

- What was that?

- Wounded Lover.

[laughing]

- Silence!

You think that's funny?

Do you know how annoying that has been for our planet?

Now whenever it's hot outside,

we have to say, "The Wounded Lover sure is strong today.

"Better put on some Wounded Lover screen

or we'll get a Wounded Lover burn."

- He's right, that's super-annoying.

- Okay people,

no one is making him call it Wounded Lover.

- Actually we are.

Don't worry, sir.

Starnamer.com's legal team is the best in the galaxy.

- How?

Regardless, are you really going to blow up our planet

because of an annoyance?

- Annoyance?

Our world religion is based off of sun worship,

and now we pray to the Wounded Lover.

Our youth have started to worship the moon,

and not even our good moon.

- Well, does that really justify destroying planet Earth?

- We have become the pansies of the galaxy.

Thanks to our name change, we've been attacked 15 times

in the last 14 days.

One of the invading armies gave our planet

a giant wedgie.

Look at it!

Both: Oh!

- Okay, all right.

Why would anyone attack you over a name?

- A name is everything.

For example, our neighboring solar system star was renamed

Chuck Norris-saurus Rex.

Do you think anyone messes with them?

No.

And it's a planet made of gold, diamonds

and populated by fluffy bunnies.

- Let's talk negotiation.

You want money?

- There is no amount of money

which can heal my planet's self-esteem.

But if you give us half of your--

What?

Oh, well, that's just dandy.

Apparently our planet has been completely destroyed

by the bunnies!

I don't even know how that works.

I hope you're happy.

- Um, well done Mr. President.

Crisis technically averted.

- Well done everyone.

[intermittent signal]

Who's the fool

who dare named our planet's sun Lonelyboy4eva?

- Two for one special.

- Unbelievable.

- Thank you so much for allowing us

to pitch our idea to you sir.

- Just keep going, keep going.

- As you know,

there have been a host of popular diet trends

over the years, Atkins, Paleo, Whole 30 to name a few.

- But for the majority of Americans,

these diet trends are unrealistic and unsustainable,

until now.

- That's right.

We have developed a new diet

that will attract and retain everyone.

Because it's exactly what they've always wanted.

- And we want you to be the official spokesman for it.

Can you guess what it is?

[audience cheering]

- Cookie?

- That's right, Mr. Monster.

Introducing the new diet trend,

nay diet standard,

The Cookie Diet.

- Uh, look, you all know how me feel about cookie, big fan.

Big fan.

- Yes.

- But me cannot deny health consequences of cookie.

- Consequences?

But Mr. Monster, here is a picture of you taken in 1976,

and this is a picture of you taken last week.

- You've literally eaten nothing but cookies

for 40 years and you haven't aged a day.

- Me think me body handle cookie different

than most people.

On outside, me look great.

But on inside, oh..OH!

- Okay, okay.

- You get idea.

- Yes, we get it.

- Me say to kids, cookie, cookie,

but cookie is a sometime food,

me also eat eggplant, and artichoke.

- Now, we all know that's a lie.

- Yeah, don't.

- Plus, we agreed,

we'll offer you millions to endorse this diet.

- No!

Me tired of contributing to obesity epidemic.

Me no accept dirty cookie money.

- Gee that's too bad.

- Oh.

What you doing?

- Oh, nothing.

I'm just a little hungry.

- Me, cookie monster, you real monster.

- Oh, this one is just so gooey.

It has too many chocolate chips.

I think I might just throw it out.

- Ah!

yum, yum, ah yum, yum.

Ah, cookie!

Yum, yum.

- If we could just have you sign here and here, Mr. Monster.

- Oh, C is for corruption.

- Have some cookies.

[audience cheers and applause]

- [in deep voice] Hey, I'm Stephen.

- [in deep voice] Hey, I'm Natalie.

I'm, [in high voice] Hey, I'm Natalie.

- Also hurtful.

Okay, hope you're liking this compilation,

stick around, there's lot's more to come.

- We'll try to find better disguises

by the time you get back.

- I don't know what you're talking about,

I look great.

- Do I look good?

- No.

♪♪

Oh Mercedes, what a joyous day.

First my promotion to captain and now our engagement.

- I know.

I am so happy.

[sigh]

- Oh Fernand.

I must tell him of our engagement.

- Edmond, I know he is your best friend,

but I get the sense that he wishes you ill.

- Oh Mercedes, I know he's a little stiff

but I'm sure he'll be delighted at my good fortune.

Fernand!

- Edmond, I came as soon as I heard of your promotion.

I wish you all the happiness.

- But there's more Fernand.

- More?

Oh to have more happiness added

upon this already auspicious day.

Say it at once, for I cannot wait another second,

nay, another millisecond

for this sweet news to reach my ears.

- Mercedes and I are engaged.

- Edmond, I'm sure you can see by my demeanor

I am filled with celestial joy.

- Ah, I'm not seeing it actually.

- Yours is a life truly blessed, Edmond.

- Why are your fists clenched so tightly.

- I do not believe they are clenched that tightly.

- Your knuckles are white.

- With rapture.

I am in the thralls of ecstasy for your prosperity.

- I'm sorry, I'm very confused right now.

- Edmond Nantes?

- Yes?

- I have a message from your employer,

Monsieur Morrell, he is retiring

and wishes to give you the shipping business.

- What?!

- Edmond, only the angels above could know

how truly happy I am at this moment.

- Really?

You do realize this means I'm being promoted over you.

- A fact I wish to celebrate,

for it is a most exhilarating day

when one's friend is so immeasurably fortunate.

[crash]

[gasp]

Mazel tov.

- Cousin Edmond, did you hear?

Our late uncle Clarion left you his entire inheritance.

[banging in background]

- Perhaps would now is not the time to talk about it.

- Nonsense.

Do go on with this happy news.

- It includes his luxurious estate.

- Thank you cousin.

- And his basement full of ancient treasure.

- I would be remiss

if I could not congratulate my comrade

on such a serendipitous report.

- Fernand, that waiter, you're hurting him.

- I don't think so.

- No, you are.

His face is blue.

- If I am, it is because I am in the throes of euphoria

and cannot contain my feverish elation.

- Fernand, you really should let go.

- You cannot censure me for my joy, Edmond.

- You are not joyful Fernand.

Everything but your words indicates raging hatred for me.

- My dear Edmond.

I apologize from the bottom of my adoring heart

that I conveyed that sentiment.

You mean the world to me.

And I want you to be happy.

- Really?

- Truly.

- Gentlemen, King Louis is on his deathbed

and wishes to name the heir to his throne.

It's Fernand.

- Yes!

Yes!

Oh happy day!

This is me being happy, Edmond.

I was faking it.

Hah.

Yeah!

- Wait, I meant Edmond.

Edmond is king.

- A simple mistake.

- Well Edmond, I am filled to the brim with jubilation.

- Well Edmond, I am filled to the brim with jubilation.

- Fernand.

- Oh, it was Fernand.

The E's and the F's in calligraphy are kind of...

they're similar.

- Welcome back to the tent.

It's week seven, and there's six contestants left.

- Our bakers have been tasked

with making a pristine custard tart,

but which confections will be perfection?

This is...

Both: The Great British Bake- off.

- I won.

- No, no, no.

- One, two, three...

Both: The Great British Bake-off.

- Oh.

♪♪

Our bakers won't know if they've succeeded

until Paul and Mary try their tarts.

- Hello John.

- Hello.

- If I'm going to be honest, John.

It looks a bit of a mess.

- It's probably about six minutes from perfection.

- Okay.

- Cuts well.

Very well.

- Flavors are good.

- Shame about the display though.

- Thank you.

Sorry about that.

- Eric.

- I'm so embarrassed.

- Mm, lovely color.

- Are you serious?

- Okay, I actually have one more,

but it's just a part of it

and I was going to save it for later,

but it's yours if you want.

- Why is this so flat?

You sat on this, didn't you?

- No, I quite like--

I like the flatness.

- Mary.

Mary.

- No, it shows that he knows how to bake

with more than just his hands.

- So, did you bake anything?

- Yes, this is my ingredients tart.

- This is nothing but ingredients.

- Thank you.

- It wasn't a complement.

- I really like this.

The egg, has a nice crunch.

Can we get more of these?

Mm.

- This is my bribery tart.

- This is a disgrace.

- Mm.

Tastes more like money than a tart.

- Yes.

That's because it's money, just for you two.

- I quite like it.

- You know how many hands have touched this?

- No, I think it gives it flavor.

Someone didn't wash their hand.

I can tell.

- All right Michael,

so what we have here is a sirloin steak.

- Oh, no sir.

This is a tart in the shape of a sirloin.

- That is not a tart.

- It may not look it

but that is a favorite family recipe.

- I think it looks rather fun.

- Mary, just--

Michael, I've got real problems with this.

- Underproved, is it?

- Underproved doesn't enter it.

This is a piece of steak.

- Paul, if you'll just take a bite,

it's a fantastic tart.

- Come on Paul.

- Definitely cuts like a steak.

[sniffs]

Smells like a steak.

- It's a tart.

- Sure enough, that's a steak.

- Yeah, I can see where I went wrong.

Sorry about that.

- I've always said we needed more protein in our bakes.

- An invisible tart?

- Yes, it's filled with raspberry.

- Well done Richard.

Well done.

- Thank you.

- Good job.

- Whoo.

Can't believe I've lived here for a whole year

and I've never been up here.

Look at all this stuff.

Oh, whoops.

All right.

Oh no.

Oh, come on.

- Trust me, it's no use.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Are you an attic hobo?

- Oh, I'm no attic hobo.

I'm the previous home owner.

- Um, that--

no that's impossible.

Hey, hey, hey!

Back off.

I bought this house from a widow.

Okay, her name was...

- Cynthia?

- Yes, how did you know that?

- 'Cause that widow was my wife.

You see, you see I came up here,

just like you, but then I never came down.

- Wait, how long have you been up here?

- How long does it look like I've been up here?

[coughing]

The only thing

that has kept me alive is this Tamagotchi pet.

I have walked him, fed him, loved him,

like he was my own Tamagotchi son.

[electronic noise fading]

- What was that?

- Uh, sounds like the batteries died.

- No!!!!

Why!!!!

He had so much more to give!

Take me instead.

- Okay, you've obviously been up here way too long.

I'm gonna yell down to my family.

- Don't be a fool.

- What?

- We're on our own now.

We're on our own.

- That's-- I'm gonna call down to my family, okay.

[knocking]

Hey! Hey!

Someone let me out.

There's a crazy guy up here.

- Dad, is that really you?

- Yes!

Yes, Jimmy, I need you to pull on the cord

to unlock the door, okay?

- Don't do it Jimmy.

- Why not mom?

- That's just your father's ghost.

- What?

What?

- People who hear voices from the attic,

automatically assume it's a ghost.

- We miss you honey, but you need to let us go.

- Wait, no.

I'm not dead, I've been up here for what, two minutes.

- That's it.

We're moving, kids.

I can't live in this house haunted

by your father's memory.

- Bye ghost dad!

- Wait.

[car screeching away]

-They left really fast.

Wha- What am I gonna do?

- Survive!

With the two of us,

we'll be able to hunt twice as effectively.

- There's nothing to hunt.

It's an attic.

- Sh!

Ha!

I got him.

Woo!

Woo!

He's a fighter too.

- Ah, is that a moth?

- Oh, the attic gods have smiled upon us.

We shall feast as kings tonight.

- Feast?

That thing's like negative three ounces.

- Here, try a leg.

- No.

What?

There's nothing on it.

- Are you kidding me?

Look at all the meat on that thigh.

- That's not food.

Oh don't, Oh...

- Mm.

[gagging]

- Mm, hm, hm.

Wow, I am full.

[chuckles]

So, what do you want to do now?

Usually by this time of day,

I start to dance with sewing mannequin over there.

She's playing coy.

- I'm, I'm good.

You go ahead.

- Oh, I'm sorry,

you got something better to do with your time?

Here why don't we watch Waterworld,

because it's the only movie we have.

- How many times have you watched that?

- Once!

It's that bad.

- All right, listen.

There's something called Netflix,

it's on my phone.

I'll let you borrow, wait, I have my phone.

I'm such an idiot.

I can just call someone to get us out of here.

Good thing I remembered before my batteries went out.

Hey.

What?

What did you do to my phone?

- I needed the batteries for my Tomagotchi.

[bright electronic noise]

- He's alive!

[audience applause]

[crickets chirping]

- Well, well, well.

Didn't think you'd show up Captain Blackbeard.

- Well, you should know that I'm a man of me word,

Captain Whitebeard.

[audience laughing]

- Well, it looks like all we a -waitin' fer now is--

- Captain Redbeard.

- Yo ho.

- Well, now that we're all here--

- Yar!

- Captain Neckbeard.

[audience laughing]

- Aye, 'tis I.

Seems ye be havin' a private meetin',

without me.

- I'm afraid you're outnumbered, matey.

- Oh?

- Ah.

- Captain Rainbowbeard.

- Nyah.

- And Captain Babybeard,

the pre- pubescent terror of the Seven Seas.

- Yo ho.

- Well, now looky here.

We don't want no trouble, mateys.

- But you'll be gettin' it all the same.

All: Ha!

- I've been waiting a long time for this, m--

- Arr!

- Ah, Captain Weirdbeard.

- Yah!

I think you've met me associates,

Captain Frobeard, and Captain Lipbeard.

- Yo!

- Yo ho!

- Me beard isn't nearly cool enough for this meetin'.

- This be the first time we be in the same place

and it's the last.

All: Yah!

[clanking swords]

[gunshot]

- It's Captain Beard.

- Aye, 'tis I, Captain Beard.

Now there be enough room on the seas for all of us,

says I.

Just as there be enough room on me face for me beard.

- Not sure that's the strongest analogy

you could have made.

- Weigh anchor and set sail you scurvy dogs.

We have an ocean to rule.

All: Aye!

- Except you Captain Neckbeard,

that's just the grossest thing I ever did see.

[audience clapping]

- All right.

- Welcome to Good Eats.

My name is Bethany, what can we make for you today?

- Hello, I would like two fliramahurs.

And one--

- What?

What?

- Two flurbayammas.

- Sir, you're having a hard time reading the sign?

- No, no, it says right here.

I can get a bacon flubajammy.

- Are you saying hamburger?

- Yeah, sure.

I would like two of those.

- Okay, what toppings would you like?

They're listed at the bottom of the sign.

- Okay.

How about todabatons.

Wait, wait.

Yeah, todabatons.

Lots and lots of toadybatons.

- Sir, I don't understand what you're saying.

- Red and juicy toneepetunias.

- So, tomatoes.

- Yeah, umm.

And give me some chorub.

- What?

-Swiss Chorb.

- Cheese?

Do you not know what cheese is?

- Make sure you not put any fleeganopo on there okay.

- Okay, I won't.

- Because if I eat even a little bit of that stuff,

I will die.

- Wait!

What!

Can you say that again?

- I will die.

- No, no, the thing you're allergic to.

- To drink, I would like a macfilite.

- Milkshake?

- Flavor?

Starmoondiggah.

- Strawberry.

- And give me a glass of warble.

- Oh, I know you know what water is.

- Hey!

I'm the one ordering here.

And you're sign clearly says,

"Goomalerma herpta gamoodaling raptaface."

- [sighs] Please pay at the second window.

- Thank you, what was your name?

- Bethany.

- Yahtzee!

I'll be right there.

You're not Queen Bae!

- All right, people.

Let's do this.

- Oh, hey.

Ronald, we weren't expecting you today.

- Really?

Today's the commercial shoot, right?

- Well, yeah, but...

- Yeah, well, okay,

I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

McDonald's is going in a new direction.

- Yes.

- Cleaning up a look, and we replaced you.

- What?

- Don't take it personally, okay?

I mean, Taco Bell got rid of the chihuahua.

- Yeah, probably in the form of a taco.

- Yeah.

[audience laughs]

- But I've been here fifty years.

- And that, we really appreciate that.

Um, but uh, even Wendy's replaced Wendy, right?

- You mean Dave's daughter?

- Yeah, in the new Wendy is way ho--

[cautioning noises]

More appealing to customers.

- Exactly.

- I can't believe this.

Who's my replacement?

- Hi.

[audience cheering]

- Do you know who this is?

- We wanted to stick with the clown image.

- Kids love clowns.

- And you couldn't have gotten like Jack-in-the-Box

or something?

- Please.

That guy looks like a serial killer.

Am I right?

- He does, he does.

- But, he is a serial killer.

- Ron, McDonald's deserves a better class of mascot.

And I'm gonna give it to them.

You'll see.

When the fries are gone,

these kids will eat each other.

- And we love his vision.

Show him the new motto.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Bop a bop bop bah.

Let's put a smile on that face.

- Did you hear him?

- Yeah, smile!

- No, that is not a smile.

Those are creepy scars.

- Oh, and here we go.

- Don't listen to him okay?

Maybe if you actually got to know him,

you'd hear some really tender stories about his dad and wife.

- Yeah, family values.

We need that.

- Families?

Really, what happens when he scares away all the kids.

- Oh, the kids are gonna love him.

Check out his new design for the happy meal.

- Yeah, okay, so this comes with chicken nuggets,

are those real chicken?

Still no, okay.

So it comes with nuggets and this fun new toy,

I don't know what it is but it looks neat.

- Hm.

[small explosion]

- Oh!

- Seriously?

No red flags there for anyone?

- Kids will love that.

- Well, what happens to Hamburglar and Grimace?

Do they get to stay?

- We'll have try-outs.

- Great idea!

- No!

That is a terrible idea.

You realize we'll have the most evil ad campaign

in America.

- Oh, come on.

Worse than cows promoting chicken genocide?

- The second most evil ad campaign in America.

- Ronald, listen.

Have you had the McRib?

Hiring the Joker is not

the worst thing McDonald's has done.

Okay.

All right.

Uh, we're done with this conversation.

Are we ready?

- Yeah.

- Roll cameras.

- Action.

- Well hello beautiful.

Do you want to know how I got these stretch marks?

- Cut!

Beautiful!

- One take wonder!

[applause]

- Though long forgotten,

nothing can compare to majesty, wisdom and intrigue

of the Gods of the Ancient Greek Pantheon.

I am Zeus.

God of the sky, weather and fate.

Come to me, all those who question their destiny.

- I am Aphrodite.

Goddess of love, passion and beauty.

I will find love for the loveless.

I am Poseidon.

God of the rivers, seas and earthquakes.

Beware the elements.

I am Artemis, goddess of wild animals,

disease and children.

Come to me for all animal attacks,

disease attacks and child attacks.

I am Demeter, goddess of agriculture.

Farm, and I will be there.

I am Mastos.

God of sensible spending.

No one has listened to me for the last thirty years.

I'm Barbatronus.

The God of aging,

you will age whether I do anything or not.

I am Minoscurus.

God of the kind of grass that cows eat.

Come to me if you are a cow.

I am Imbecilia.

Goddess of stupidity.

Come to me with your bad decisions

and I'll make them more stupider-erly.

I am Kilgerbon.

God of all real and animated cats.

I will one day rule the Earth.

I'm Ranthaleon.

God of Robert Downey Jr.

You're welcome.

I am Finnesia.

Goddess of Nicolas Cage.

I am way sorry.

I am Jarubadinka.

Goddess of ridiculous names.

All babies born in 2014,

come to me in ten years

when you're being relentlessly teased.

I am Grettergon.

I like sports.

Wait, what are we doing?

I am Gobarium.

God of saying go bury 'em

when people ask what to do with corpses.

I am Desdonia.

God of the Walkman and mini-disc player.

I'm severely depressed.

I am Cantus-shepantus.

God of unfinished-- was that a bird?

I am Hemalorus.

God of running out of toilet paper.

Fear me.

I am Morgan Freeman.

God of narration

and we are the Gods of the Ancient Greek Pantheon.

♪♪

- Oh.

A dollar!

Nice!

Uh.

Why?

Oh.

What are you?

[sniffs]

[audience disgusted]

- Oh, oh, so gross.

[audience really disgusted]

What the?

I don't even have a shoe that matches this one.

Man, what else is lurking in this couch?

What the holy?

Man.

This is probably why my back always gets poked.

[grunt]

A Record of the People of Couchville:

Our Life and Times Between the Cushions.

What is going on?!

Both: Ah!

- [Scottish accent] Where am I?

- Who are you?

And what are you doing in my couch?

- Why, I live there of course.

- Oh.

Wait!

What?!

- Oh, ya found it.

Thank you.

I am King Warick, Sewer of Seams,

Keeper of Febreze,

and Wielder of the Wand of Numbers.

- [gasp] That's my remote.

- We use it to help silence the wretched sirens

of The Bachelorette.

I've ruled and reigned in your couch

for about 50 years now.

- Fifty years?

The couch is that old?

Wait, that's an insane amount of time,

you would have to have been born in the couch.

- I was.

- Oh, gross.

Wait?

What?!

- I was born and raised in the couch.

- And you're Scottish?

Well, I used to be Swedish,

until you sprayed the Scotch Guard.

- Is that my shirt?

- Probably.

Everything I own is stuff that you've dropped in there.

- I dropped a full set of clothes

and a purple cape in the couch.

I need to reevaluate my life.

- Warick.

- Wha- Oh.

- Uh, oh there ya are.

- Allow me to introduce me wife, Queen Iona.

- So, do I call you Your Majesty.

- Aye!

- Okay.

How do you live?

I mean, what do you eat?

- Oh, we've always had more than plentiful amounts of food

from chips of the potato to melted M&M's.

Though we wouldna mind

if you dropped a few fruits and vegetables every once in awhile.

- Oh yeah, I must have eaten all of those.

Um, but do I really drop that much stuff into the couch?

- Aye, enough to sustain the entire kingdom.

- The what?

- [sounds of struggle] Hello there.

- Hi

- Sire, I'm afraid the peasants in the hide- a- bed highlands

are asking for a better sewage system.

- Very well, take some money from the treasury

and get started.

- You have money too?

- Aye, our currency consists of your loose change.

- My loose change?

How much have I dropped?

- Eighteen million dollars.

- Yeah, that sounds about right.

- We have also been bequeathed

the Leather Fold of Destiny and the Jangling Medals of Freedom.

- My wallet and car keys!

- No!

- But I need those to drive and live.

- How dare you violate our trust?

- The people of Couchville are very generous,

but if you threaten to steal our greatest treasures.

- Look I'm sorry, but you people are just--

- You people?

What's that supposed to mean?

- I think he means grubby couch people, my queen.

- Now I didn't mean it like that.

- Oh, we get it.

We're not from the other side of the cushion, like you.

- Okay, now don't make this a couch class thing.

- How dare you look down your nose at us?

- I'm sorry, I'm just not comfortable with couch Narnia.

- I'm sorry to do this.

But when you mess with the people of Couchville,

the people of Couchville,

have no choice but to retaliate.

[horn sounds]

[grunting]

- Hey!

How did I drop so any swords into the couch?

- There you go.

- It seems our kingdom is safe once again my lord.

- Indeed.

- Hello King of Couchville.

- My old foe, I thought I banished you a long time ago.

- The Ottoman Empire will rise again!

[evil laugh]

[audience applause]

- Thanks for putting this double date together, Matt.

I can't wait to meet your new roommate.

- Oh, don't mention it.

- Actually, where is he?

I thought you said

he left three hours before you did to get here.

-Oh no, do you think he had car trouble?

- I seriously doubt that.

- How come?

- Um, well, uh.

- Because anything faster than a donkey

is clearly the devil's work.

[audience cheering]

Tribulation, you know the way home.

[brays]

[Donkey brays in return]

- I apologize for our delay,

but some devil worshipping motorcyclist

attempted to pass us on the freeway.

- Oh, do I dare ask what you did to him?

- I turned the other cheek.

- Good for you.

- Tribulation however,

donkey- kicked him back to the fiery inferno

from which he sprang.

- Uh, hi.

You must be Jedediah.

- Enough with the formalities.

Which of you is to be my bride?

Ah, this one comes from good stock.

Her strong legs will be most useful

during the fall harvest.

- Uh, excuse me?

- Jedediah, please.

- This one however has perfect hips for child delivery.

[audience oh's]

Plenty of womb for the child to grow,

but not enough to spoil the child.

- Jedediah, listen to me.

This is just a date.

Not a wedding auction.

- What's a date?

- It's where you invite someone to do an activity

so you can get to know them better.

- You know what that sounds like?

It sounds like--

- It's not the devil's work!

- I was going to say it sounds like a waste of money.

[audience claps]

- It often is.

- Hey!

- Jedediah, women like romance,

not being compared to livestock.

- I see.

[clears throat]

Roses are red, violets are blue,

both are useless, plant some wheat!

- You need to wake up

and step into the 21st century, Jedediah.

Your views on women are extremely antiquated.

- Yeah.

Let me guess, you'll only be happy

if your future wife bears you a son.

- Actually I would prefer a daughter.

- Really?

- Yes, because suffering is good for the soul.

And no one suffers more than a man who raiseth a girl.

-Ah, Jedediah.

Why don't we play some mini-golf, okay?

- Ah yes, I would be happy to beat you

until you are cleansed.

- No, no, Jedediah.

- Now remember, a sanctified person is like a silver bell,

the harder they are smitten the better they sound.

- Jedediah!

The club is used to hit the ball into the hole.

It's a game.

- I haven't played a game

since I left my parent's estate 29 years ago.

- Gross, how old are you?

- Twenty-nine.

I left them at seven months.

- Seven months old?

- Don't be ridiculous.

Seven months in the womb.

My mother was not one to coddle her children.

- What?

- Immediately following my birth,

the midwife proceeded to slap my buttocks,

and then my father bent down and whispered into my tiny ear,

"You can cry now and open up your lungs,

or you can have my respect.

The choice is yours."

- Clearly, this was a mistake.

Let's just go get some ice cream.

- The unnatural freezing of cream outside the winter months

is an abomination.

Fortunately I brought some oats and twig thorns

for our delight.

- Oh.

- Yeah, okay, no.

Yeah, that wasn't my worst date.

- Hey Chris, thanks for giving me a ride here.

- Yeah, yeah, no problem.

I can't believe your sister survived jumping

into that rhino cage.

- Yeah.

- Also, why did your sister jump into that rhino cage?

- Oh, we have a series of escalating dares.

- Wow, okay.

- It's clearly time to stop.

- Yeah.

You think she'll be okay?

- Oh yeah, I think she'll be fine.

Why do you ask?

You gonna take her

on that date she's been hounding you about?

- She's really persistent,

but I don't think she's my type.

- Hey, Brandon.

Can we get you at the front desk to fill out some paperwork

for your sister?

- Sure, yeah.

I'll just be a minute.

- Yeah.

Cool.

[coughing]

- Catherine, Catherine, hey...

- Oh, where, where am I?

- You need to lay back.

You've had a really long day.

- Chr- Chris!

Hi!

Hi!

Hi.

[coy laugh] Fancy meeting you here.

- At the hospital?

-Mm, so did you uh,

lift me onto this gurney all by yourself?

- No, I think the EMT--

- Yeah, I'll bet you did with those guns.

Ooo,

[imitates gun loading and shooting]

- Catherine, I think you need to rest.

- Cat.

- What?

- Call me Cat.

Rowr.

[mouth click] Ow!

Oh, ow!

Ow!

Oo, that tickled,

but less in a fun way

and more in a way that feels like stabbing.

- Yeah.

They said the rhino literally stepped on your face.

- Oh, you were looking at my face?

[kissing noises]

- It's hard not to--

What are you--

What is that?

What are you doing?

[still making kissing noises]

- Stop that.

- Uh-uh.

- Stop, you're going to hurt yourself.

- Okay, yeah, I'll stop

but just because you asked me to

and not because my jaw makes the sound of Rice Krispies

when it moves.

- Okay, you need to lay back, Catherine.

- But then it would mess up my hair,

which someone has failed to complement.

- No, no, I wouldn't touch your head, yeah.

[audience responds with shock]

The rhino started eating it after you blacked out.

He just left a few wispies.

- Oh, well it's nothing a little accessorizing wouldn't fix.

[grunts]

- Catherine seriously, you just need to lay down.

- Oh, come on--

Ow!

Oh my goodness that evil what.

- Your arm's severely injured.

So...

- Didn't even need an x-ray or anything, burly Sherlock.

Sherlock.

Elementary, dear Watson.

- It's got a rhino horn sticking out of it.

It's pretty obvious.

[audience oh's]

- You like a girl who's literally one with nature?

- No.

No, I--

- Charge!

- Stop, stop, oh come on, put that away!

Please.

- Mm, you smell like Old Spice and antiseptic.

- Just the, you know, hand sanitizer when I came in.

And so--

What are you--

- You're so thoughtful of my weakened immune system.

- [muffled] No, I'm not.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

- Ow, ow, I think my lips are gone.

- Uh-uh, I think is one of your molars?

[audience disgusted]

Your mouth's bleeding a lot.

- Not as much as my bleeding heart.

- [laughs] I cannot tell if you're flirting with me

or hemorrhaging internally, so.

- Both.

- That's not a good thing!

Can we? Yes.

- Okay, Catherine, we need to get you off to surgery.

We have to hustle

because it turns out that rhino did have rabies.

- You kissed me when you had rabies?

- Brandon dared me to!

- You will not back down!

- Oh guys! Come on!

- Dude, I don't know if I can do this,

I've never stolen anything before.

- Just act natural, it's easy.

- I don't know.

[evil laugh]

- Poof.

- Who are you?

- I'm your shoulder devil, Jason.

Here, allow me to just climb up on your shoulder.

Okay, okay.

Whoa!

I envisioned this going differently.

Maybe your friend could help me rise above the difficulties.

Lift me in a dignified manner.

Whooo!

I'm very slick.

[audience cheers]

- Jason, thievery is fun,

there are all kinds of things you can steal,

money, cars, dinner mints at fancy restaurants.

- You gonna do this or what, man?

And that Bit O' Honey isn't gonna steal itself.

- He's right, Jason.

It's just a Bit O' Honey,

no one will even notice it's gone.

- [sigh] Well, I guess one time won't hurt.

- No, it certainly will--

I mean, you're right.

- [whispered] Got it!

- Well done.

- Nice, man, okay,

next time we should do something bigger, like a bike,

or a turkey.

- Yes, your friend has the spirit of--

Did he say a turkey?

[audience laughs]

- Guys, I'm not stealing any more.

This was a one-time thing.

- Oh, no Jason, come on.

It's easy.

Hey, hey!

That old lady just dropped a five dollar bill.

Go pick it up before she notices.

- Yes.

- Well, uh, no, I'm not gonna steal

from an old lady.

That's messed up.

- Oh, come on, those are the easiest people to steal from.

I'll help you, Jason.

Just move towards the lucre.

It's almost in reach.

You have to want it.

What's happening?

Oh.

Sweet gluttony.

- Here, let me help you.

Oh, my dear boy, did you fall

while trying to return this money to me?

How refreshingly honest.

Here, you keep it, but remember,

virtue is its own reward.

- Who was that?

The female Gandhi?

- Wow, being honest has its benefits.

- No, Jason, it was a fluke.

That kind of thing doesn't even happen in Canada.

- Hey, I, uh, saw what you did for that old lady.

That was really sweet of you.

So, here's my number.

So call me, perhaps.

- That's just not fair.

Jason, I don't want you calling her.

She's far too righteous.

Give me the number.

- But no, you can't make me do anything.

- You're right, Jason.

I can't.

Give it to me!

Where is it?

Where is the number?

I must have, is this Bit O' Honey delicious.

- I don't know, Jason.

Maybe you're right about that honesty stuff.

- No, move to James.

Shimmy.

- You are mine, James.

You are mine.

- Um, What?

- Behold the awesome power of temptation.

- You know what?

I'm starting to feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Let's go pay for that candy.

- Yeah, me too.

- What?

No, boys you just need to become more calloused.

Quick, kill that dog.

- No, we're not going to kill a dog.

That's messed up man.

Let's go pay for that candy, and move to Canada.

- Yeah!

- Fine!

I'm sure there's someone else I can persu--

Hello Grandma.

[audience cheers]

- Get behind me, Shoulder Devil.

[elegant classical music]

- My, what a lovely gala.

- Indeed.

I do hope Sir Francis attends this eve.

- Indeed.

- Indeed.

[giggling]

- Good evening, gentle madames.

- Captain Blake.

- Milady, I called upon you last Sunday morn,

but your handmaiden said you were out.

- Oh, dear Captain,

we were only just discussing the anticipated arrival

of Sir Francis François.

- I'm afraid I do not know Sir Francis.

[gasps]

- Oh, what a shame!

He is only the most eligible man at court.

- A brave and noble man.

He once saved an entire family from a burning home.

- I touched his kerchief once.

[giggle]

- Well, I shall be most intrigued

to meet this gallant hero.

- Ah, there he is!

All ladies: Oh!

- Is he behind the pale woman, or?

- Good evening, Sir Francis.

- Your rugged charm has cast a shadow over all

who are in the room.

- I wish to bear your children.

- [high, weak voice] Forgive me, dear madame,

but your elegance and your grace would make

even the fairest of swans bow their heads

in complete submission.

[honking noise]

That is the sound a swan makes.

All women: Oh!

- Sir Francis, I am Captain Blake.

I'm afraid that you've, um,

pranced away with the ladies' hearts this evening.

- Forgive me Captain, but I cannot simply cease my charm.

For it is attached to me, through and through.

- Sir Francis--

- Please, call me Franny.

- I think I'll just stick with Sir Francis.

- I heard you and your troops were involved

in a little skirmish with the Americans

at the Battle of Bunker Hill.

[affected laugh]

- Yes, it was rather significant actually.

- Oh, Captain, I applaud your little games of combat,

though I don't care much for fencing myself.

All: Oh no.

- Well, actually we mostly used muskets now.

[high trill of surprise]

- Must get dreadfully smoky.

I say Captain, you must watch yourself,

or by this time next year,

you shall have an incurable case of laryngitis.

[laughing]

-Wait, wait, wait.

[affected coughing]

That is the sound you will make.

[laughing]

- Milady, may I have the honor of this dance?

- Oh, dearest goddess.

Would you accompany me on this next dance?

- I'd be delighted.

- I know.

[sighs of delight from women]

- I say.

Have you ever seen such a strapping young man?

- Would we say strapping?

- Oh, Captain, do not be jealous

of Franny's domineering presence.

- I say the waltz has left me rather flushed.

- Oh!

- I'm not accustomed to exerting myself.

- Are you all right, Franny?

- Ah! Sink me.

[gasps]

- Oh dear, his fervent dancing overtook him.

- What a strong and passionate man among men.

- What?

- Wake up my love.

- Ah, ah.

How lovely it is to be awoken by such lovely faces.

All women: Oh!

- You cannot be serious.

Am I to understand that this man commands all

of your affection, where here I stand,

a war hero.

A man who has looked death in the eye

and dressed his own battle wounds?

- But have you dressed your own puppy?

[murmurs of delight]

- So manly.

- I cannot believe you ladies.

- Hold King George III.

- Hello King George.

- I will defend your honor.

- Defend their honor.

This man is not a man at all.

[gasps]

[gasps]

- You expect me to believe

that he rescued a family from a burning building?

He can hardly dance the waltz,

if that's what it was.

En garde, sir.

- Help somebody!

That man stole my necklace.

- Oh!

- Out of me way, ya poppinjay.

- Mm, I think not.

[screams] -

Sir Francis, I believe I owe you an apology.

It seems that I've misjudged...

- Lick the wound.

- I'll be by the drinks.

- Hey, hey everybody.

Thanks for watching that video.

- We hope you enjoyed it.

Make sure you subscribe to our channel

for more compilations

and new sketches coming out all the time.

- Yeah.

Go ahead and give us a like, comment,

tell us what your favorite sketch is

out of the whole compilation.

And we'll see you around.

Keep waving.

- I am.

The Description of Masters of Disguise Compilation