CHRISTMAS & CO.
Based on a true story
And what does Max want this year?
Yep!
Teddy bears are making a big comeback.
Wanda, listen!
"Dear Santa, please bring me whatever you like. Misaki"
Kids are so cute!
- The Sahara seems deserted. - No, not really.
It does say "Sahara Desert"!
Hey!
A guinea pig's not a pig or from Guinea.
I've never left this place,
but a desert's deserted. I'm not a nitwit!
A castle, three ponies, an Indian costume, a magic cloud...
Tatyana wants too many toys!
All she really wants is her mom's attention.
Santa, it's our Snowflake Anniversary!
I wanna see people! Let's go to Paris!
Yeah...
But the Parisians...
I'm sure Parisians are very nice.
Or Las Vegas!
I know that "humpf"!
It means "Maybe next Christmas!" As always.
We may be short on teddy bears.
I'd better go check.
Check away, but this discussion's not over!
Be right back!
Now, where's Magnus?
Shoot!
Pardon me!
Sorry!
Anybody seen Magnus?
Where is he?
What's that face?
That's better!
Johnny, please report to the teddy bear department.
As we all look alike,
please come furnished with a photo ID.
- Who's that for? - Hi, Magnus!
Who's it for?
He said to add stuffed animals for everybody.
We don't need them!
Why is he always doing that!
I've had it! I'm gonna ice him!
Tell him! He's right there.
- A little powwow? - Sure!
Should we get on it?
Be careful! Ouch!
Is that the stuffed toy for Fatou?
Yes!
Can we make it in blue?
No, boss! No more changes!
You don't realize! It's a job for super-elves!
There's time! Christmas is the 25th!
But we deliver in the morning, before the kids wake up.
It's really iffy!
Giftwrap's at the end of their rope!
Go faster, then!
Instead of one at a time, what if we made 100,000 teddy bears at once?
That's not so dumb!
- No. "A toy is only a toy..." - "...if you have fun making it."
How about less fun & more efficiency?
Say that again?
For example, what if
we made 100,000 scooters at a time?
Then we save time!
- "A toy is only a toy..." - "...if you have fun making it."
What if we made 100,000 dolls at once?
I don't get it.
For example,
what if we make 100,000 fire trucks, instead of one at a time?
Magnus, focus! We'd go faster.
Play less to work more!
- "A toy is only a toy..." - "...if you have fun making it."
Lucy, please report to the top.
There are more and more kids and they're more and more demanding.
For example, what do we do about Tatyana?
She wants a castle,
three ponies, an Indian costume,
a magic cloud. It's insane!
She just wants her mom's attention.
Give her a Chinese jump rope. Her mom loved that.
They'll play together! Good idea, boss!
It's a vocation!
Good choice - nice and simple. That helps!
And add crayons for everybody.
I'm off! Meet me in giftwrap.
No, wait!
- Right away. - Boss!
We have plenty of time!
Hurry!
It's going pretty well.
Boss, boss, boss!
I did the calculations...
Crayons for everybody... Impossible!
Okay, make it poster paints!
- No crayons, no paints! - Watercolors?
- Oil paints? - No! Because then...
What is it?
I caught a warm.
- You sure did! You okay? - Yeah.
Good.
Magnus?
Wanda...
Magnus!
"The Elf is resistant to viruses.
"However, if one Elf contracts an illness,
"the entire school of Elves will contract it."
Like a school of fish!
They've never gotten sick before!
I don't know.
Yes, they have!
160,000 doors ago!
Elves were struck by a superbug.
And did they survive?
Santie-pie, I'm just learning!
"They survived
"thanks to a miraculous beverage - the juice of the Kakadu plum."
What's a Kaka-boo plum?
Kakadu!
"A fruit native to Australia, bursting with vitamin C."
We have 92,000 Elves! We can't squeeze 92,000 plums!
It's a catastrophe!
I don't believe this!
That's what we need!
- What? - Vitamin C.
- The Kakadu's full of vitamin C! - So?
Go get 92,000 tubes of vitamin C! Chop-chop!
Chop-chop? Right now?
Yes, right now! Pull your thumb outta your sack!
- And why me? - I can't drive the sleigh.
You'd never teach me!
I don't know what it's like down there.
You go every Christmas!
One night, over the rooftops. I never run into anyone.
Other nights... I don't know. People...
They're not gonna Nerf you! You bring them presents every year!
Exactly!
I bring presents, but from a distance.
Mysteriously. It's perfect!
For you, maybe. I'd love to see just one new face!
Go get ready.
I'll hitch up the reindeer.
Dancer!
They'll get better on their own. We may make things worse by...
By trying to save them? No, Santa!
The sleigh needs a tune-up.
Stealth mode's down, the runners are bald
and one reindeer has a flat!
- It's suicide! - You overreact!
- No way! - It'll be fine, Santie-pie.
I believe in you.
Everyone believes in you.
Everyone, I'm not so sure...
It's the first time we'll be apart for 2 nights in one year.
Go!
You're as dear as a reindeer.
What?
Kakadu plums are indigenous to Australia, so...
So...
If they have the plums in Australia, they must have vitamin C.
If we cut through Finland, we can get there on the hoof.
Okay, okay! Hold on...
Calling all reindeer!
Verify visibility. Turbulence ahead!
Stealth mode's really on the blink! I'll try to...
On the blink, big time!
Land there, by that big red toy!
So...
We're not sticking around here.
How do you know vitamin C is everywhere?
I'm not going down!
There are people!
Okay, I'll go!
Don't blow this out of proportion!
I'll fill the sack
and we're outta here. Let's not spend 50 doors on this.
What the elf!
- You okay, sir? - Fine...
- You sure? - I just...
Hey, bro!
That's quite a getup!
It's polartec.
Why green? You work for some eco-friendly thing?
No, my elves are sick...
- Your what? - My elves.
They all keeled over at once. All 92,000!
92,000 elves?
Apparently, vitamins will cure them.
What a relief!
But Christmas is in 4 doors!
Time really flies!
We don't realize.
And my reindeer are pooped.
I had to park on that roof.
Lucky you! Parking's a bitch around here.
So that's it!
I don't really know...
Make it snappy, I'm working!
What should I do for my elves?
Just go to a pharmacy.
See that green cross there?
That's a pharmacy. Go in and ask for the elf department.
There's an elf department!
- Thanks, Terry! - No prob...
People are nice, in fact!
How'd he know my name?
Sir?
I'm looking for your Elf department.
Okay...
We're working here. We're not in costume.
Great. Give me 92,000 like this.
Yeah, sure. Merry Christmas!
I'm not leaving. I want my vitamins!
To cure my elves!
What's he doing?
Sir, put that down!
You can't do that!
I just want these!
Christmas is in 3 doors. Carole, tell him!
- You know my name? You stalking me? - Since you were little.
That's disgusting! I'm calling the police.
Stop! Get out!
Some lunatic's turning the shop upside down!
That's enough! Give me the vita...
You saved my life! That guy was nuts.
Sir, don't get familiar.
Before he blew his top, I said...
Get in! Watch your head.
Okay.
Pull in your bathrobe.
I've had it with these wackos.
I make cars that go wah-wah, too.
Wah-wah!
Sir!
I had to run.
I'm coming, but Jay's in a jam.
You're in a jam?
Jay, my brother.
- Dinner's ready! - I'll hurry!
Hold on! Two seconds!
Jay!
Thomas?
He said, "Let's play three-card monte."
Two black, one red.
Find the red. It's easy. So where's the red?
- There. - No.
This one's black.
The red's there from the start.
Not a bad trick.
Clever!
That's a great scam.
Then his pals yell, "The cops!"
and they split with my dough.
I'll be there as soon as I can!
I got conned!
And I get picked up? I'm the victim here!
Exactly!
He'll clean up his act.
Your brother's a lawyer but that's no excuse to screw up.
Sorry.
You're sorry every week.
Weenie grab!
Olivier!
- We don't pick our family. - No!
He didn't sign the thing!
That one oughta be fun!
Not everything's fun.
He's calling you.
Name?
Claus.
- First name? - Santa.
- You were born? - Yes.
No! You were born when?
Sorry. Holy snow!
It's been 15,000 doors, 16 windows and 12 drawers.
That makes...
About 600 years, for you.
607 years.
Breathalyzer and drug test.
Will that help my elves?
Straight to the drug test!
Open your mouth, please.
It makes me vomit.
Don't move. I have to scrape.
There!
What did you say?
Do you still play with dolls?
What?
You really liked dolls.
What? Why?
You trying to be a wise guy?
Because I warn you, you picked the wrong guy!
Over here!
We'll see who plays with dolls!
You've got company, Gisele!
What's going on?
No idea. Apparently, he's a wise guy.
Want me to take him?
Your brother's not enough work?
Can I get out, please?
That guy's a sicko!
Forget it, he's stressed out.
You're really stressed!
This could be a problem.
Good evening, sir!
Sir!
Good evening.
I'm Thomas...
Thomas di Angelo.
I can be your court-appointed defense attorney.
To defend me from what?
Do you realize that you're in jail?
I know, thanks! I make Monopoly.
So get the dice, I'll roll doubles and I'm out!
These people are crazy!
So, "Santa Klaus"...
- Claus. - Why'd you give that name?
They asked me my name, so I gave my name.
- Santa Klaus? - Claus.
So what do we have?
"Refusal to show any ID..."
Don't you have any? No?
"Insulting police officers..."
You called them "elves"?
No, it's just that...
I'm Santa Claus.
I was talking about my elves.
I have 92,000 and they're all sick.
I need vitamins!
How many? 92,000!
- Who asked me to? - Excuse me...
Know what we'll do? Much simpler...
I'm your lawyer. I'm here to help.
We'll say it was a joke taken the wrong way.
Okay.
"I dress up as Santa Claus."
Really?
Not me! You! You dress up as Santa Claus.
- Me! - That's what you'll say.
You say, "I dress up as Santa Claus."
No, I am Santa Claus.
Stop saying that. That's no help at all.
Okay, but since I am...
That'll be your secret. Keep that to yourself, okay?
"I dress up as Santa Claus."
- I say that? - Yes, say it.
I dress up as Santa Claus.
"My intentions aren't bad."
No, I love kids, so...
Yes. No! We're not gonna say that.
We'll make it even simpler.
Don't say a word. Nothing.
The right to remain silent.
I don't know that game.
When they ask you a question,
you say nothing.
Is that clear?
No, the game hasn't started yet. Is that clear?
- Now I can answer? - Yes.
- I understand. - You understand.
I'll go take care of that.
And try to work it out.
If I can't roll doubles, I can't get out.
- So I need... - Fine!
Must be some astrological thing.
Decans, ascendants, months and stuff.
- What's your sign? - Libra.
Funny, for a cop.
Can I borrow your dice, Gustavo?
How do you know my real name?
- Just 2 minutes. - You're a real pain!
I swear, he's not a bad guy!
I agree. And his drug test was negative.
They're the worst! He's going to Central Booking!
What the...?
Where is he?
Olivier?
Did you lock the cell?
Of course, I did!
Calling all units!
Be on the lookout for a bearded man in a green djellaba.
Mister!
Picture with little girl!
Stand there, Lin Yao!
Picture with Santa Claus.
No!
The real one's in red.
No big deal. Just as good.
Why's she making that noise?
What's the matter?
I want the red one!
If you don't like kids, don't play Santa Claus!
It's not my fault
she's squealing like a seal!
Get a job you're qualified for!
She squeals like a seal!
He's a mean man.
- Is the trampoline on the list? - Yeah!
I told you, Mom, it's hard to get away.
And a Tornado Car!
Mom, we have this discussion every year!
It's Christmas every year!
- Hi, munchkins! - Hi!
Come home with the kids.
- We finished our list! - Already?
I'm gonna eat somebody up! With lots of kisses.
I'll make turkey.
But we can't.
A robot...
I'll call you back, Mom.
You said you'd be home early.
Jay was in a tight spot.
- It smells so good. - It's just soup.
No, this smells so good.
Can you hand me a ladle?
A ladle?
Tornado Car...
I'm ordering the Flying Fairy.
Here.
Guess what happened at the station?
They locked up this old guy, a little like my father.
Then he disappeared into thin air! Crazy, no?
- Mom? - It's your uncle!
What's your mom talking about?
Our list's done!
For Santa.
That's a lot of toys.
See this?
We said three toys each, no more.
Three's a lot.
Three's not a lot!
Three's a lot when you want it to be.
- Not the 3rd, the 24th! - Hold on.
- We do have room! - No way!
Can I call you back later?
Here's a pen. Start again, in your room.
Three toys each! Or it's the whip!
- Love you. - See you at Christmas.
Go to your room.
How does Santa get into people's houses?
By magic.
He's magic.
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
I've got it!
I'll take off the Tornado Car.
What about you?
Not a thing. I wanna keep my toys.
You have to.
Take one off but keep it in your heart.
Then Santa will bring it because he can see in our hearts.
That's dumb!
No, it's not. You're wrong and I'm right.
I don't believe you.
You'll never believe in anything!
That's my right.
Who cares!
I'm not talking to you.
Is he right?
Santa Claus,
I took off the Flying Fairy, but it's still in my heart.
I'll try to get some snow.
We're all hot. I'm hot, too.
"Fast, fast!" Don't get big-antlered.
You're lucky penguins don't fly,
or I'd have eight penguins, and no headaches!
This little fence wasn't here last Christmas!
What are you doing here?
What the elf!
You okay, sir?
Penguins do fly!
- What happened? - Nothing.
- It's Santa Claus! - No, it's not.
Go inside, kids.
Santa,
we took some presents off our list.
Don't do that! You'll get them all.
Mathis, the Tornado Car, and Malle, the Flying Fairy.
- Do you know this man? - Take them inside.
How do you know my kids' names?
- What? - How do you know?
I know every child's name. I'm Santa Claus.
Take off, now!
Or I'll knock your teeth out, understand?
Do you understand?
It really was Santa Claus!
I can't believe my eyes.
The real Santa Claus!
Don't you realize?
I most certainly do realize!
Mathis, he knows our secret!
He has sonic eyes, like this!
"I see in the hearts of Malle and Mathis."
So you prayed for the Flying Fairy?
It was an experiment.
I put the Flying Fairy in my heart, just to see.
So who was wrong?
Me.
I knew it was him. He smells like cookies.
Let's go check the roof.
No, we can't go out alone.
You have to obey me. I'm 3 minutes older than you.
If we get punished, it'll be all your fault.
And Daddy'll whip you!
But not me!
Okay, come on.
How'd he get our address?
I don't know. I had to introduce myself.
- He seemed nice. - They're the worst.
They always say, "He was so nice, polite, we all loved him."
Then "splat"! He's an axe murderer.
He's not an axe murderer.
He knows our kids' names!
He reminded me of Dad.
- Three minutes isn't a lot. - Yes, it is.
If we get punished, it'll all be your fault!
What's going on?
Santa's on our roof!
No, it's that guy...
with reindeer.
Thomas, I told Malle and Mathis...
Sir!
He's out cold.
You okay?
Yeah, it's sort of like...
seeing stars.
Santa,
can we ride the reindeer?
Please!
Out of the question.
Please!
No hands!
Here, Mr. Reindeer...
Easy!
- It's actually flying. - Yeah, it's a reindeer.
Hold the antlers.
Hi!
Hold on tight!
Hold the mane!
Look, the Eiffel Tower!
Yeah!
Tell him to fly lower, please!
We want another spin.
Again! Again!
That was a blast!
Good night, Santa!
Thank you.
Bedtime!
We saw all of Paris! What a blast!
I agree 100%.
Would you like a cookie or a glass of milk?
Almond milk. I'm lactose intolerant.
I think he caught a warm, at first.
I could see he wasn't well.
He was burning up. Then he passed out.
I looked around and...
A school of fish!
Not one was left standing.
It's true,
92,000 elves dropping like flies is pretty rare.
Are you sure they need vitamin C?
92,000 elves, period, is rare.
Wanda said, "Vitamin C."
No sense looking for a baboon on the ice floe.
Or 92,000 Kakadu plums, in a pinch.
You only have one tube?
We don't really need 92,000 tubes of vitamins.
We'll get more, just give us time.
To?
To raise the money. 92,000 tubes
aren't free.
Because we have to buy them.
"Buy them" means...
Do you understand the concept of buying, selling, etc.?
Remind me, to be sure.
Got any cash to show him?
Do you have paper like this?
This paper costs 20 euros.
"Costs"?
With 20 euros, I can buy 10 tubes.
To buy 92,000 tubes, we need lots of blue papers.
They come in blue, red, purple, green.
I'm explaining.
Vitamin manufacturers want money.
Then why don't they just manufacture money?
Money's a system of exchange.
To buy, sell.
Or to pay the workers.
Hold on...
For example, here...
Don't you pay your elves?
No.
- We pay our elves. - Poorly, but we pay them.
So that's "buying".
No, that's "paying".
And "selling"?
Selling is the opposite of giving.
Taking.
No.
For example,
say you want milk. You go...
It's good!
You can't just take it.
You have to pay something
because the person who made the milk...
Anyway.
I'd better get some sleep and tomorrow
you can get my vitamins for me. Then I'll be off!
Maybe not tomorrow.
Maybe not tomorrow.
Where'd he go?
It's all settled. We'll have them tomorrow.
In the end, it wasn't so hard.
Come here!
Bedtime.
We should get natural vitamin C for the elves.
That's the first time you've ever said that.
"We should get natural vitamin C for the elves."
Or we can get 92,000 Kakadu plums.
I'll ask at Rungis tomorrow.
Now, let's go to sleep.
The real Santa Claus is on our roof.
Say that again!
The real Santa Claus is on our roof.
Was that a reindeer farting?
Thomas wants us 4
to be alone on Christmas.
But my parents invite us every year. They wanna see the kids.
But Christmas reminds Thomas
of his childhood, his father.
Christmas is hell for people
with no family.
It has the highest depression rate.
I know, I know.
Look, it's on the Internet!
Do you have Kakadu plums?
- What? - Kakadu plums.
Never heard of it.
Come on, kids!
Let's find a pharmacy.
What?
We've been to 8 already!
- Let's go! - I don't want to!
Just a dozen more.
I'm tired!
Why are you crying?
- We wanna see Santa! - I know.
But first we need vitamins to save who?
The elves. But we wanna go home and see Santa!
We'll see him later. Come on, hurry!
92,000 units?
Funny, huh?
Why do you wear green?
Why don't you wear red?
Nights are bright here!
It's called "day."
Why don't you wear red?
Come on, kids.
Good morning.
I was talking to the reindeer.
Oh, my...
You okay, Dasher? You don't look good.
You're hoarse!
Why don't you wear red?
Time to go. They can't bear the heat.
Got my vitamins?
Almost. Not all of them.
Not all? Why?
We have to plan!
Are they saying something?
Yeah, I got it.
When will it snow?
It doesn't snow much here. It just turns to muck.
Muck.
How do you say hello in Reindeer?
You say...
No.
You said, "Want a strawberry yogurt?"
Now he wants one!
Why don't you wear red?
Why does it do that?
That's annoying!
The real Santa wears red!
Are kids colorblind?
No. But to us, Santa
- I mean you -
you wear red. Because of Coca-Cola.
Is this red?
- It's green. - We agree!
You usually wear red.
- Why's he following me? - That's normal.
Because he wants an answer.
I already answered. But he keeps asking!
Let's go.
Santa's clearly not a morning person.
We'll see him later.
We'll see you downstairs, okay?
What are you doing there?
Looking for vitamins for Santa's elves.
Let me clean this up.
Hey, cutie-pies!
Mommy!
You okay?
I'm super late!
How many d'you get?
Not nearly enough!
I couldn't find Kakadu plums.
I didn't get enough sleep.
And we need ice for his Reindeer.
Shall we?
What are you doing there?
How'd you get in?
From there. Shall we go?
Crazy! Is that how you escaped yesterday?
No. I had to roll doubles to get out of jail.
Otherwise, it's cheating.
Shall we?
I've gotta run. I have work.
Shall we?
Hug!
Are we going or...?
I'm off!
I saw we can order vitamin C in bulk.
In lots of 900 on Amazon.
I've flown over the Amazon lots of times...
No, not the Amazon River.
It's an online sales website.
Which words don't you understand?
I understand "It's, an, on."
Shall we go?
Are those the only clothes you have?
I don't believe this...
Hold this, please.
How'd you get out?
How do you get into houses?
Why are you wearing red?
Use the doors, please. This is too weird!
No!
He ate the whole thing.
The skin.
The skin.
All set! No problem for the ice.
How many cases? One, two, three?
I don't know...
And for you, it's on the house!
- Thank you! - You can have all you want!
Give us 92,000 tubes of vitamin C.
No, Santa... Uncle.
This is a fish market, not a pharmacy.
They look sick.
Fish should swim in the ocean!
My mother's the same.
One day, she just snapped.
The ice is taken care of.
We got strawberry yogurt. What else do we need?
Lichen, bark, two bushes...
You should've told me yesterday. We can't get that here.
And vitamins!
That we know!
Three Christmas trees?
Where do we deliver them?
Find what you need?
My Reindeer will have a feast!
Shall we?
Amelie, we going?
Wait for me, I'm still working.
Why can't we go now?
You can see all these people.
Well, I'm going!
Shall we?
Chris, can you watch my uncle?
Wait for me here, I won't be long. Then we'll go.
Two seconds!
What'll you have?
Cheers! Another drop?
Gerard!
You asked for a light blue scooter.
With a pedal!
- True or false? - How'd you know?
Are you called a medium? A mentalist?
- I'm called San... - We have to go!
One more! One more!
You're my brother!
There!
Oh, Christmas tree
How faithful are thy branches!
Times are tough but I can pay you with a TV.
That's hot merchandise!
- Have I ever asked for payment? - Thanks, bro!
Just stop screwing up!
I was just thinking, "Jay, get your shit together!"
Can't Amelie get me a gig?
Her rich Russian client! Couldn't I do Tatyana's birthday?
Come on, kids love magicians!
Ask her!
If she says no, she says no!
She'll say no.
Sorry, I was with Jay. He's a mess these days.
He's always a mess.
What about your Russian client's birthday party?
I'll ask.
Look! That's the most natural vitamin C.
92,000 vitamins come to
about 45 cases.
What's the price?
Is that all?
No, that's one case.
That's one case!
How do we pay for that?
Your motorcycle?
You'll get another.
I've been saving up for that bike for 3 years!
I'm not waiting till next Christmas!
You can't even drive it.
It's English. You don't drive it!
- Then what's it for? - To look at!
You have to have priorities in life.
And your real estate savings?
Think it over.
Let's think about it.
It's for my floral studio.
I'm crammed in between your files, the kids' toys...
So I should sacrifice and not you?
That money doesn't exist.
- There's no compromise? - Not for this!
Do you have my vitamins?
We're working on it!
I told you, we need time...
To buy the money from people who pay!
So, not to beat a dead seal...
but I still haven't gotten your letter.
- No. - Don't dawdle!
- Can we give it to you? - Mail it!
Don't throw it!
That child's thrown her teddy bear 5 times.
There she goes again!
Her mom says not to
and she does it again anyway!
Her mom picks it up
and what does she do? Throw it!
You don't know kids at all, do you?
Odd, given your profession.
Sure I do.
They sleep, little eyelashes all lined up!
On Christmas Eve, when you deliver their toys!
Not during the day!
Kids scream,
they cry, they scratch each other's faces,
they suck on pebbles!
The same at night.
I'm ordering it.
It's endless. She never gets tired!
Malle! Mathis! We're going home!
They don't come when they're called?
They're kids!
They won't come!
Come on, let's go!
He's an excellent magician.
I'll send you his contact info.
You won't be disappointed, I promise.
You'll see, he'll be great!
Now there's a child, just like I said!
With little eyelashes.
Are you nuts? Why'd you do that?
It took me an hour to get him to sleep!
Why'd you do that? The old jerk!
No, auntie.
Didn't Mom tell you?
We're not coming.
All set!
Order confirmed. Delivery tomorrow.
Because I'm working.
Can you go?
Go on!
I'm trying to understand!
We keep explaining! You never understand!
I'm starting to! You say I can't give.
What's going on?
- Santa keeps yelling at Malle. - I am not!
He can't understand money.
Why can't we just give stuff?
Why do we need all this junk?
These zeuros...
Don't fight over money!
It's not important.
That's true.
We're all tired. Bedtime!
Wanna play Monopoly?
No, I always lose at that game.
- Who gave you candy? - Santa!
I did not!
Clean all this up. Then I'll read you a story.
He's dense. It's not our fault.
Maybe he's just dumb.
Two doors left! Son of an elf!
I don't know!
It costs something! I don't get it!
Stop!
No, listen to him.
Stop interrupting each other.
One at a time. I'm listening.
Go ahead!
That's not true!
So you all decided to Swiss me off, is that it?
They'll keep calling till we come.
You know that.
Say I have the flu.
We say that every year.
- It works. - We need a new excuse.
Know what we'll do?
We'll just say I'm sick of it.
Sick of your dad beating me at chess.
Sick of your aunt
pawing my face. "You didn't shave?"
I don't shave! And your sister in those low-cut tops!
Shoving her tits in my face!
What are they, 45V? It's embarrassing!
And your grandma, with her cigars,
puffing away. It's like Chernobyl!
We'll say you have the flu.
Brother!
It's Jay.
You're supposed to call first!
Sorry. I'm just so excited!
I got your message about the gig! Thanks, man!
It's not too well paid but...
She's a really good customer, so don't screw up!
My tricks'll knock 'em on their ass!
Want a little preview?
- No! - It's not bad!
Uncle Jay!
My sweeties!
Wanna see a magic trick?
They'll never go back to sleep.
- I'll put 'em to bed. - Two minutes!
Look!
What's that behind your ear?
- It's a coin! - A coin?
Not bad! Wanna see it disappear?
Blow on it!
Blow on it!
Daddy, you blow on it!
Really blow! Or it won't disappear.
One, two, three! Where is it?
Where'd it go?
How'd you do that?
No idea!
See the rubber band?
Don't spoil the magic!
- There's no magic. Just tricks. - Magic does exist.
- So did you write to Santa? - Yeah!
But we have to mail it.
Really?
Santa told us to!
The Post Office Santa told you to mail it?
- No, the real Santa! - The real Santa?
He lives on the roof!
Really?
Incredible!
Bedtime! Get in bed!
Or you'll get a whipping!
I'm swamped with work!
- What's on the roof? - Huh? Nothing!
That "huh?" means you're conning me!
Huh? No way!
I know! You're growing...
No, no way!
You're a fuckin' genius, man!
I'm gonna go see!
Jay, stop!
There's nothing up there!
Is it over here?
You're hiding something.
- Where's your weed? - Come inside!
Where's the little plant?
Please, come back in!
- You're so uptight! - No!
Chill out!
- I am chill. - No, you're not. Breathe!
You need some fantasy in your life.
Shit!
I forgot my sack...
What are you doing?
Looking for vitamins! Want me to say it in Walrus?
45 cases are coming tomorrow!
45 cases? I need 92,000!
It's not the same measurement!
Now the iceberg's ragging on...
- The what? - That lays an ice cube!
- Thomas! - Wait!
Where you going?
Somewhere else!
Do you have any idea what'll happen
if kids don't get any toys on Christmas?
We may be on the verge of an apocalypse of biblical proportions!
Calm down! You're overreacting like crazy!
I'm overreacting?
Of course, you are!
Who's overreacting? You!
I'm calm!
You're completely...
- I'm calm! - No!
What?
That's what I said.
You okay, Jay?
Delivery's one day, minimum.
- I don't get how your country works! - It doesn't!
When they want presents on the 25th, no problem! But when I need...
Can you understand...
I understand, Santa.
Just be patient.
Okay.
Is that clear?
Who's that guy?
My brother, Jay.
Your brother?
Good night, Santa!
That's weird.
- The door, Santa! - Sorry.
He never wrote to me.
I don't understand.
He was little when our folks died.
And he hasn't believed in much since.
I mean, he didn't.
No, Santa!
The door!
He was flying!
In the air! There were no cables, nothing!
Like those inflatable reindeer with fur.
Yeah, reindeer.
Yeah, reindeer!
Don't tell anyone.
- Obviously. - Swear!
Was that the real Santa Claus?
It seems so.
Mind-blowing!
Keep that to yourself.
Sure!
- Swear it! - I swear.
You're a lawyer 24/7!
Here it comes!
Take off! Now!
I want a swanky pad for Xmas! With cash in all the drawers!
And world peace?
Maybe next year!
- Good night! - Tell him!
Daddy!
Everything's going south.
Wanda and I are never apart. Solitude's not my thing.
Sounds like a vacation to me.
Being alone?
My brother,
my wife, her parents, the kids. Sometimes I...
- It's not easy... - Having people love you?
That's not what I need to hear!
You have no problems, so...
Sure, I do!
Aside from your elves!
Seriously,
is that the first problem you've had in 12,000...
In 15,000 doors.
- My life's not easy. - I'd trade anytime.
But the silver lining to my problems...
Problem, singular!
I realize everything doesn't just happen magically.
You have to fight for the people you love.
That was Miss Universe's speech last year.
Well, he's right.
She.
Jay's writing to you this year. To ask for an apartment.
I don't do that.
A Barbie Dreamhouse?
Perfect!
Your letter to Santa!
Where'd it go?
Is this the letter?
There it is!
Look, Daddy's jogging!
Hey, kids!
Sorry I'm late!
- They waited to mail their letter. - Go on!
- Watch! - I'm watching!
I wanna show you my magic show!
Sorry, I'm really late. Do the least terrible you can!
Daddy, watch us!
I'm watching!
Don't screw up!
I'm with Jay.
The show's gonna be great.
You have to see it sometime!
Say goodbye!
Bye, Uncle Jay!
I cleaned the roof.
They poop everywhere!
The reindeer, not the kids!
- Give it back! - It's mine now!
No screaming!
Calling all munchkins who munch pancakes!
A tavola, tutti!
Santa, use the door. We gave you keys.
I'm sick of playing the maid!
Hi, Santa.
Are my pancakes beautiful?
- Very beautiful! - That's what I like!
I'll beat you to a pulp, asshole!
You're gonna die!
This is insane!
Look! You live in a world of lunatics!
Because your world is nice and normal?
Yeah. We have one bipolar bear but...
Meanwhile, my elves...
Not everything revolves around your elves!
Your elves this, your elves that!
I'd like a few elves to go to work for me at 3 a.m.!
To shop, clean,
get dinner on the table. That doesn't happen by magic!
Magical forest elves don't do all that!
- See any elves here? - No.
So who is it?
It's Amelie!
And she'd like to get her nails done,
while reading some stupid-ass magazine!
Here, sweeties!
Thank you.
It looks really good.
You did go a bit overboard.
Excuse me for living.
Merry Christmas, Santa! The vitamins!
I think it's your vitamins.
And not too soon!
Thank you.
It's weird to open a present!
- They're different! - Don't complain.
They're different.
Happy? Got your vitamins?
Merry Christmas, Thomas!
Tonight, Thomas and I are going out.
Where?
I don't know. Anywhere. I'm suffocating!
And you're babysitting.
- He doesn't know how. - Kids are my specialty!
2 doors ago, you thought kids slept 24/7.
One door. And I suspected.
Can you even make pasta?
- I make tons of paste! - Not paste, pasta. To eat!
We'll order pizza!
I'm calling Jay.
Go ahead!
No, keep quiet! We need you to babysit right now!
Cutie-pies, bedtime is 9 o'clock, max!
Let's try that again.
Bedtime is 9 o'clock, max.
- Okay... - Very good.
Kiss-kiss!
There are 80...
If you have the slightest problem, press twice.
Once, twice...
and now... It rings!
Teeth and bed!
- Teeth? - They know.
Good night!
- Nighty-night! - Bye!
Shit!
It's ready!
Pizza's on!
Thank you.
Can I have chocolate mousse?
Still hungry?
I can make herring.
- What's that? - A dessert.
No, thanks.
I'll get mad.
- Aren't you sick of superheroes? - It's Captain Zoltek 6.
They destroyed everything in 5!
They all come together.
It's almost the resolution.
Farka got a prize at Cannes.
Cannes films are all downers!
Look!
It won four prizes!
Obviously, the poster shows
a noose on a dead tree.
That's kind of a bummer.
What else... How about "Horrrorrrious"?
So what'll we do?
That one?
Not that one.
- That one? - No.
- That one? - No.
The white one, there!
- That one? - Yeah.
Turn right at the North Pole. I live there.
Wow, it's far.
When you leave tomorrow, will you say goodbye?
- Even if we're asleep? - Of course.
Phew!
Hi!
Jay! I was here last night.
Jay, right!
Thrilled to see you again.
You're a legend, if I may.
Sorry, I'm a little late...
- What happened here? - The kids.
They're cute!
I'd love your advice!
- On? - My magic act.
Can I show you?
No way! I have to load up all that.
- In the sleigh? - In my sack.
Can you hold it?
Come closer!
Where do they go? Do they dissolve?
No, they're in there.
We'll go to your parents' dinner.
I've been thinking. Who cares about that Christmas dinner?
I'll tell my folks you have a really gross flu.
Like, explosive!
Supergross!
We'll have a simple dinner, us and the kids.
Light!
- No. - Yes!
I need at least two hours' sleep.
That leaves us 15 minutes.
What are you gonna do to me?
What'll you do?
The cleaning?
The cleaning?
Go to bed, I'll...
Santa, wake up!
Today's the 24th! Today's the day!
Sleep well, Santa?
My toys aren't gonna deliver themselves!
Where's my sack?
- Have you seen my sack? - Santa!
We're in bed!
Where is it? I left it there!
Wasn't it in the living room?
No, not anymore...
Leave the room!
I'll put something on and join you!
Take off!
Sacks don't just disappear!
I know! I'm coming!
What a drama queen!
You stink!
I don't stink, kids!
I can do that, too! So shut your...
It's great!
Take it easy.
So let's bring out the big guns!
Presto chango: Santa's sack!
This is Santa's actual sack!
Santa himself gave it to my granny,
who gave it to me before she went to heaven,
post-cancer.
For this trick, I need a volunteer. And it'll be Tatyana!
Let's give her a hand!
Okay, okay.
What's your name, Tatyana?
Super!
Tatyana, are you ready to go to Toyland?
One,
two, three!
It worked!
Is that magic or what?
That was fantastic!
- Shall we make her reappear? - Yes!
Are you in?
Are you sure?
So you're insured!
Here we go!
Come on, Tatyana!
Where's Tatyana?
Where's Tatyana?
Where is she?
Where is Tatyana? Let's go look for her!
The trick's not over!
Keep your seats!
- Let's go find Tatyana. - I'll go find her!
Everyone count to three!
One...
Where are you, honey?
In the sack?
I'll geolocate you! Mommy's here, don't worry!
Jay, it's not the time!
I'm in sort of a jam!
That makes two of us!
Excuse me, have you seen an old guy in a beard?
- No? - Sorry.
What?
Where's Santa?
He disappeared. His sack, too!
I have the sack!
Don't tell me you swiped it!
I didn't swipe it! I just...
I can't hear you!
I'll kill that guy!
They took me for a sleigh ride!
"We'll get your vitamins." Sure!
Take me for a snowflake!
Stop believing in reindeer that don't fly.
Nobody cares about your problem!
- Merry Christmas! - Merry yourself.
And you're stubborn!
If I don't deliver my toys, the world won't end!
Where'd everybody go?
Dancer?
REINDEER
Why am I wearing red?
Want some fun? Like fun?
'Cause I've got jokes! A Cracker Jack joke.
And it's a doozy.
I've got a cloud that rains.
I got you!
I got every joke in the book!
I've got a black and blue Smurf. But you can't see it on a Smurf!
What's going on? Where is everybody? What happened?
Where am I?
Where have you been, pal? Hello, hello!
These are sad times.
'Cause you didn't deliver your toys.
Since you didn't deliver your toys,
we're not allowed to play.
No laughing! No fun! I don't care.
I'm a loon!
Tag! No touching Santa...
Claus!
Where is everybody?
Why aren't we allowed to play?
Wanda!
You don't exist anymore, Santa.
What happened?
What a nice surprise!
- Oh, it's... - Yes, Olivier!
Quick! Christmas is in a drawer!
Right! And my ass is on the dresser!
Steph!
I picked up Mr. Whiskers. He's gonna need a good lawyer!
What?
I'll be back.
We haven't finished our little...
Christine, debriefing!
Too bad if it's cheating!
I've lost my powers.
I've lost everything.
Okay, guys!
You know what's at stake?
- Know what you have to do? - Yes.
Who's in charge of the log?
Santa, I'm sorry.
My brother stole your sack.
I called him. He's on his way.
- Everything's screwed. - No, it's not!
Santa, it's not screwed!
Jay and I will take care of the cops.
You slip through the walls. And we'll meet up outside.
I lost my powers.
I've got no vitamins. And it's too late anyway. It's screwed.
The sack's on its way.
Take the sleigh, cure the elves and bingo!
Wanda believed in me and I failed.
- I'm staying here! - Don't...
Write to somebody else. Screw off!
Don't give up!
Find another Santa. I quit.
You're making a career change at 607?
- Exactly. - What'll you do?
Something else! I can do other stuff!
Sleigh driver,
reindeer trainer, ventriloquist.
That's nonsense!
Hello, I'm the hand puppet!
And who are you?
I'm a ventriloquist.
- That was so good! - I'm a pro.
That's the number?
My lips don't move.
The crew decided, no Christmas log this year.
No Christmas log?
A log is Christmas!
You're really the champ!
Come with me!
Big problem! He doesn't wanna leave!
He has to! I have a big problem, too!
Whelks! Good idea!
I don't eat whelks.
Don't eat 'em, if you're allergic.
What'll you do, Santa?
I'm staying in jail.
- Dice? - Who?
- Got any dice? - Sorry!
Hold on...
I left them there.
- Do we all agree? - Continue...
Put that away.
Jay, you forgot to sign your last statement.
Watch! I'll make the pen disappear.
Like the accommodations? You'll be here for a while.
What's so funny?
- How'd you do that? - I'll explain.
- So? - A crumble.
A crumble! Very good.
Berry?
No, apple!
Mr. Claus, hop in!
Tatyana?
Who are you?
Nobody.
The Russian chick!
Run!
- What's going on? - I'll explain.
These frigging heels!
Go faster!
Where'd they go? The car!
Take me back to jail!
- I'm in front! - I get car sick!
Who cares?
Move!
Move!
Hurry!
- What's that? - A little girl's in there.
What? You're kidding!
Don't help me!
Easy with my sack!
- It's yours? - Yes.
- So you're Santa Claus? - I used to be.
- Can you get us out? - I'm not budging!
What about our toys?
Leave me alone, all of you!
That way! Left!
What are these roadblocks?
Come on!
- Where? - Trust me!
Stop right now!
Jump, now!
Olivier!
What?
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard the Bateaux Parisiens!
Daniel, it's Steph.
We have an escape and kidnapping.
Don't worry, we'll catch them. They'll pay dearly.
We said crumble! Who cares? Send reinforcements!
Gently!
I already tried that.
- What do we do, Santa? - No idea.
Sacks aren't for people!
We don't give people to people. I'm not budging.
I want my mommy!
She wants her mommy.
Come out! Be nice!
I'm not nice.
You're super nice! You're Santa Claus!
I quit. Talk to the Easter Bunny.
That exists, too?
Santa, remember? You said,
"You have to fight for those you love."
You said it was Missy Elliott's speech.
Miss Universe!
Whatever! In any case, I'm not budging.
There's no Christmas this year. Period. I quit.
I don't have flying reindeer. I can't move through walls.
I don't have millions of kids counting on me.
I just have two. But I'd do anything for them.
Because they believe in me. Because they count on me.
Because I love them.
More than anything.
Santa, think of Wanda.
You can't abandon her.
Santa...
What now?
Who's Wanda?
Come with me.
What? I'm Santa Claus. I have toys to deliver.
Let's go!
Call Amelie!
- Now? - Yes, now.
Let's go!
I can see myself!
I'm on the roof!
- Can we get in the sleigh? - Don't touch anything.
Put my reindeer on!
You're stressing me out! Which one?
Ralph Laureindeer.
National Police!
Stop the boat immediately.
Where you going?
Not that way!
Which way, then?
Have you seen 2 guys? One's in a cape.
With an old guy.
Who looks like Santa Claus.
- No way. - Yes.
Sweetheart!
Mommy!
I missed you so much!
Thank you, sir.
Santa.
Barbara.
There!
Steph!
I know it sounds crazy. That guy's Santa Claus.
Move!
I'll give you Santa Claus!
Steph, wait! There is a resemblance.
A resemblance?
Olivier Leguennec,
stop believing whatever you hear! It's a drag!
We're a team! We have coffee every morning.
You're Starsky, I'm Hutch.
You're Ponch, I'm Erello. We're Law & Order. We're like this!
What?
That was awesome!
And over our heads,
you can now see Santa's sleigh!
Grab the sack!
What are you doing?
Olivier, that was Santa Claus.
Thank you!
The bridge!
We made it!
Amelie, hold the reins.
Stealth mode's on the fritz.
Lift the nose!
Uncle?
I don't think we can come.
How about New Year's Eve?
No, not New Year's!
I can't hear you.
We're going into a tunnel.
Bye-bye!
Like every year.
Santie-pie! What's that coat?
It's okay, they're friends. That's Thomas,
Amelie,
Malle and Mathis.
It's you!
We don't have much time.
They all have different faces!
I put all my vitamins in here! Where are they?
I put the vitamins in here!
They're gone! Where are they?
I failed, Wanda.
Wait, Santa...
Look!
It's our letter!
"Dear Santa,
"we don't want any presents this year because your elves are sick.
"So,
"since they may need a vitamin,
"we're sending you one.
"We hope they get better.
"We send you a big kiss
"and wish you a Merry Christmas!"
One vitamin healed them all!
You were right, Santa, a real school of fish!
Everybody ready?
Yes.
Open your eyes.
Don't touch!
Where's our letter, Santa?
Right there.
- The green star? - Yes.
Green is my best color.
I like kids, in the end.
- At first, I didn't much. - Why?
I thought kids were weird.
They're disobedient,
they ask questions. Kids ask a lot of questions.
They make noise.
They scream, they cry.
Exactly.
- Merry Christmas, my love. - Merry Christmas.
Funny, it's snowing.
It's really snowing.
Merry Christmas, Amelie
Isn't it weird, watching people sleep?
No.
Let's go.
For our Snowflake Anniversary, where to, Mrs. Claus?
Here, to start!
There's sure to be people there!
Oh, caribou! I'm out of film!
No big deal, we'll buy some.
"Buy"?
I'll explain.
CHRISTMAS & CO.
Subtitles by Rosemary Ricchio
Subtitling: ECLAIR
Hi, Amelie, it's...
Answering machine.
It's nuts!
I'll try again in 5 minutes.
Let's start. That'll make them come.
