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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Mock the Week, Series 16, Episode 6. Rhys James, Tom Allen, Ed Byrne, Nish Kumar, Tiff Stevenson.

Difficulty: 0

This programme contains some strong language

# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it!

# Read all about it!

# News of the World! News of the World!

# Read all about it!

# Read all about it!

# News of the World!

# News of the World! #


Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.

I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me this week are Nish Kumar,

Tiff Stevenson and Ed Byrne,

Rhys James, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.


We start with a round called Picture of the Week.

I show the panel a topical image

and ask them to tell me what's happening.

So, what's going on here?

I can tell you exactly what that is.

That's the bloke who runs America - talking to President Trump.


Is Trump saying, "No, I said you gave me an ELECTION!"

Is Trump saying, "I genuinely thought you and the meerkat

"were the same guy"?


I can't imagine the conversation is going very well

because Vladimir Putin doesn't speak very good English

and Donald Trump also doesn't speak very good English.


It looks like a before and after for one of those hair restoring clinics.


RUSSIAN ACCENT: He's saying, "This is what they used

"when I had my prostate exam!"

Is he saying "So which journalist do you want me to have killed?"


Clearly went too far with that one.

I didn't realise this was a pro-Putin audience.


The shocking, anti-Putin bias at the BBC!

This is political correctness gone mad!

RUSSIAN ACCENT: This is political correctness gone mad.


For a second, I considered going for the accent and I pulled out of it,

and when I heard you do it I was like, "Good decision, Kumar".

I think you can do the Russian accent, yeah.

RUSSIAN ACCENT: Do you really think so?

Oh, no, I can't.


Is it Trump saying,

"I can with Viagra but all that comes out is a weird-smelling dust?"

He's probably just going...

RUSSIAN ACCENT: Look into my eyes,

I did not hack American Election.


That's Sesame Street!

AS THE COUNT: Who has one thumb and did election?

This guy!

This is the first annual meeting of the We Are Definitely Not Bald Club.


Oh, and what a tedious meeting that would be.


OK, is anyone going to tell me what it actually is?

It's Vladimir Putin meeting Donald Trump at the G20.

Thank you very much, Nish Kumar, you're absolutely right.


Yes, this is a picture of US President Donald Trump

and Russian President Vladimir Putin

meeting at this week's G20 Summit in Hamburg.

How did it all go? Did you enjoy the G20 this year?

This particular meeting there,

for a first date, this one seemed to go very, very well, didn't it?

Yeah, it did, yeah. Trump came out immediately afterwards

and was like... "He did, he did?"


Well, it was Pride weekend.

Why not, it's the G20.

You know it has that effect on people.

Is that what the G stands for?!

Gay 20, yeah. The 20 biggest gays.

20 biggest gays in the world!

Sorry, Tom, but please tell me - how does one measure the biggest gays?

Do they host that at Camp David?


But Trump immediately emerged after the conversation and said

"Oh, I've talked to Putin about the hacking, and he didn't do it".

And you go, "That's not how anything works."

It would be like my six-year-old saying,

"I asked my Daddy if he let me win that running race,

"and he said he didn't.

"He said he was running as best he could

"and I won the running race because I'm fastest."

That cleared up. I... I was fastest.


You love the age difference, don't you?

You just do.

Got to have an angle somewhere, mate.

It's very, very difficult, though,

for Donald Trump to admit that the Russians interfered

in the American election

cos the only reason the Russians would have done it

is they know, that by getting him elected,

they would turn America into a laughing stock and a disaster.

Which is why the Russians didn't interfere in our election,

because they know that we can do that all on our own.


He said that he'd questioned him.

Twice, I think he said, he'd questioned whether they'd interfered

in the election and Putin said, "We do not interfere in this election,

"we will not interfere in the next election which YOU WILL WIN!"


Can you just imagine, though,

if Donald Trump actually did say to him,

"Did you hack our election?

"Were you involved in meddling in our election?"

You can just imagine Putin just looking at him going

"How thick are you?!"

"We had this conversation, you asked us to do it".


It's coming out and they're now saying that, you know,

this is the first time there is something concrete

that might lead to Trump's impeachment.

But what I love about it is the innocence of people

thinking if he gets impeached he's going to leave.

Like, this doesn't end with him walking out,

this ends with him on the roof,

holding Melania like King Kong

and bi-planes speeding towards The White House

just thinking, "Well, this was always going to go down this way".

The meeting was apparently 2 hours and 16 minutes long,

and everyone finds that ridiculous, what were they up to?

And I don't want to make assumptions

but 2 hours 16 minutes is the exact running time of Shrek 3.


I think, in fairness, we know which one's Shrek and which one's Donkey.

Is that why Melania had to break it up?

They literally had to send Melania in.

Poor Melania, she is literally waiting just for him, like he's 71,

he's on a bad diet, isn't he?

He's worth a lot of money.

She's just going to grease the stairs and shout "Fire!".

Definitely, you know, you can see her

every time she makes a public appearance

she's like... IMITATES: "Hello, I'm Melania, I speak five languages,

"I know how to say 'help me' in all of them."


Who did Trump get to fill in for him at some of the G20 meetings?

It was bring-your-daughter-to-work day at the G20, apparently.

Yeah. Ivanka sat in on some of the meetings.

But I think it's all a bit unfair because, you know,

what Trump did is no different to what Obama did.

He was also replaced by "Awanka".

I like to think they were talking about global warming

and then she just went...

VALLEY GIRL ACCENT: "I've got a really nice range of sandals

"that can help you with that."

That's how she talks.

That's how everyone American talks.

Like they're running out of batteries.


Moving on, how did Theresa May get on at the G20?

She got on very, very well.

Did she? I tell you why she got on well.

It's because, at the moment, she's under a lot of pressure

so Philip Hammond, for example,

has said that the economy should be at the centre of Brexit,

it should be a soft Brexit.

But Donald Trump has promised her a very quick trade deal

with the United States,

and it will be quick because negotiation will be very quick.

They will say, "Will you accept irradiated beef,

"vegetables full of hormones?"

And we will say, "Hungry..."


Do you have any croissants?

I remember croissants,

but my children have never eaten croissants.

I described them to them once.

There was pastry everywhere.

It was, oh.... I want some cheese, I want some cheese!

Not Cheddar.


I always feel, as well,

like Theresa May and Donald Trump have a slightly...

She seems like a sort of school ma'am,

she seems like a nanny to him, which I imagine he'd respond well to.

Like, "No Donald, no Donald, no.

"We are not going to misbehave,

"we are not going to have a travel ban, are we?

"If you misbehave, I don't care,

"I will pull your pants down

"and I will smack your bottom in front of all these world leaders.

"What's going to happen is, I'm going to make some scones,

"I'm going to give you some sugar paper and some crayons

"and you're going to draw us a very nice trade deal.

"Aren't you, Donald?

"And if you don't behave yourself,

"you can go to Mrs Merkel's office, you won't like that."


I can imagine if Theresa May and Donald Trump

ever have dinner together,

Theresa May cuts his meat up for him.


Trump has said he's going to come to the UK.

Right, he cancelled it before and now he's said he's going to come.

Now he's not telling us when he's going to come so we can't protest.

It's like when you get told like the Sky man's coming round

so you've got to wait in between 8 and 6.

That means you can't have a wank

because you don't know when he's coming.


Who has Theresa May called on for help this week?

The Labour Party. Yes!

She said can they help her deliver Brexit.

That is definitely a trap.

That is her going, "Come over here, Labour, and help me with Brexit.

"I won't blame it on you".


Her asking Labour is just more evidence

that Jeremy Corbyn did win the election.

Now he gets to have a say, right?

He gets his own chant, and thanks to that messed up high-five,

he got to touch a boob.

"It's all win for me", he said.

Sure he's "messed up!"

I'd love to be in that meeting where she says to him like,

"So Jeremy, Jeremy, have you got any ideas?"

And he goes, "Oh, yes," reaching into his hemp briefcase going,

"Oh, yes, I have got an idea, yes. It's this."


OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Tom, Hugh and Rhys.

Now we play a round called I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Vladimir.


This game involves Tom and Nish.

So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.

This round is a stand-up challenge.

I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,

one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.

OK, here we go, let's spin the wheel.

The first subject is...

Politics. Oh, Nish.

So, we're living through a real period of political instability,

both here and in America.

And in the last couple of months, some unlikely saviours have emerged.

Tony Blair is considering a return to front line politics

and Chelsea Clinton is contemplating a run for the senate in 2020.

And to those people, let me just say this - maybe just leave it.


If you want to turn your public opinion around,

the way to do it is philanthropy, right?

And let's look at someone

who has turned their public opinion around through philanthropy.

Look at Bill Gates, right.

Bill Gates, for the last 15 years, with his wife, Melinda,

has spent all his time

trying to fight the spread of infectious disease.

I don't understand the science behind what's going on.

From what I can tell,

Bill Gates is trying to bribe AIDS to fuck off, right?


And we like him for that, but in the '90s, we hated Bill Gates

because of the paperclip.

Basically, there was a paperclip and you'd turn on Word

and the paperclip would appear,

and it would ask you if you were writing a letter,

but you weren't writing a letter so you were like,

"I hate you Bill Gates!

"I'm going to buy Mac forever".


And there are people genuinely putting their money

where their mouth is in regards to philanthropy.

Look at JK Rowling.

We all need to be very nice to JK Rowling from now on,

because she may be about to be all we've got economically.

We have no manufacturing sector,

our service industry is being driven by mass migration from the EU.

After Brexit, our entire economy

may depend on the adventures of a fake wizard

that technically ended in 2007, right?

We've got the play, we've got the films, we've got the film tour,

can we do a play tour?

JK, please write another book, Wales is sinking!

Maybe something about Harry trying to get his finances in order

in his 30s, like Harry Potter And The Mystery Of The Fixed Rate ISA?


Thank you very much, Nish.

OK, that leaves us with Tom.

Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the wheel.

Now the topic is family.

Oh, OK, fine.

I did that run very well, didn't I?

So affording your own home is very difficult in today's climate.

Recently, I've been forced to live with a couple.

Er, they're called Dad and Mum.


And one thing that my parents' friends all like to let me know

is that they are down with the poofs.


They are down with the poofs, they love the poofs, I'm gay,

I don't know if I needed to explain that.


Well, I say I'm gay, I hardly find the time.


I mean, I'm a Gemini as well, but they don't get a parade.

The thing is, their friend, Les, wanted to come over and talk to me

and Les comes over and he says,

"Oh, Tom, I've got to tell you, I've got to tell you, right,

"my brother, right, my brother, he is gay now."

Gay now? I mean it sounded like he'd done an evening class

and become a pilates instructor.

So he's, "Oh, yeah, my brother,

"he's gay now and he was ever so worried about telling me,

"ever so worried about telling me."

He said, "Oh, I've got to tell you, Les, I'm gay, Les, I'm gay, Les.

I thought, "Gay les"? That's complicated, isn't it?

LAUGHTER I didn't know you could be both.

He said, "I'm gay, Les, I'm gay, Les."

"And I just said to him, Tom, I just said to him, 'Oh, don't worry, bruv.

" 'There's one on every bus' ".


Which I thought was a very confusing thing to say,

because as far as I'm concerned, all the gays I know use Uber.


Thank you very much, Tom, well done.

At the end of the round, the points go to Tom Allen.


Our next round is called,

If This is the Answer, What is the Question?

On the board are six categories.

Tom - which category would you like?

World News, please.

So if your category is world news.

And the answer is 580 miles.

What is the question?

Is it how far the Proclaimers now have to walk

to see their partner now they've been priced out of Aberdeen?


Is it, according to my estate agent, how far can I throw a stone?


Is it how far wide of the mark everything Piers Morgan says is?


Is it the closest Anne Marie Morris has ever been to a person of colour?


What is the average distance

Melania Trump has maintained from Donald since he became president?

Is it, what would count as an inconveniently long penis?


Inconvenient in what way, though, Hugh?

How far can one dragon fly on a stomach full of children?


That was way darker than I expected.

Is it the furthest Theresa May has ever travelled

without performing a U-turn?

Ooh, I can do topical, guys!

Don't think I'm just a silly old gay.


Is it, if you took out your intestine and laid it out flat,

how far away would I move from your house?


Is it, if 580 miles were laid out - end to end...


Is it, how far away can Donald Trump Jr get

before they reach the end of the sentence, "Open up, it's the FBI"?


OK, does anyone have the correct answer?

Is it how far a North Korean missile has travelled?

Yes, this week, thank you very much, Nish Kumar.

Very good.


Yes, the question I was looking for was,

"How far did North Korea claim their latest missile travelled

"when they conducted a test-launch last week?".

Experts from the US-based Union of Concerned Scientists

suggest the missile could travel 6,700km, far enough to reach Alaska.

The Union of Concerned Scientists!

That sounds like a party bunch, doesn't it?

I doubt there's very much chemistry, there.


Well, yeah, they're next door to The Union of Blase Scientists.

So, they're kind of like, "Come on, it's Alaska, what?

"Some salmon?"


Do you think if it reaches Alaska, though...

Because it's got the ice there already,

do you think they could form like a Baked Alaska?

And have a big meringue over the top,

if they could just flood it with jam, it would be delicious.

He should let them fire it at Alaska.

It's going to save them a fortune on fracking.


There is a lot of focus on Alaska.

Obviously, because it's mainland America...

But it's rubbish, isn't it?

Is that what you were going to say? Who cares?

Sarah Palin's there.

That was not the point I was going to make about poor Alaska.

"Oh, it's just Alaska, for God's sake".

"Oh, roar, I'm a bear".


Call me when it hits one of the good ones.

Do you think we should be worried about it, though?

I mean, you're the science guy.

Obviously, as we've discussed many times.

So how dangerous is an ICBM.

Is it 1950s technology?

Is it like, they have in fact perfected the Goblin Teasmade?

It's quite... How dangerous is a nuclear weapon?

Meh! Quite dangerous!


On a scale of stubbing your toe to LOTS of people dying,

it's more within the higher end of that rather than the lower end.

How does it work, though?

Why does it have to go so high?

It went 4,700 km up or something, didn't it?

Well, it would get caught in the trees, wouldn't it?


It's just a test.

You just pop it up and bring it down.

And equally, at Halloween,

you could take the fireworks that you have in your garden

and rather than sending them straight up,

you could just fire them straight at your neighbour.

You could just do that.

You could just go, "Arrghhh", this is for that big Leylandii tree.

Phoosh! Just straight at the window, right.

"This is for not giving me back my lawnmower". Phoosh!

The kind of discussions

I'm sure you always have with your neighbours.

Well, my neighbours are 580 miles away, so I don't...

There he is, look at him.

Found the right way round.

Looking the right way round.

I think he's just checking that his uncle is still tied to the missile.

He's watching Love Island.

And he was delighted with himself.

There he is!

Thrilled. That guy is like, "Oh, I live another day".

That guy is absolutely hedging his bets on how the missile test goes.

Cos he's like, "This is either I surrender, or yayyyyy."

Do you agree with me that pinstripe

is very much the thing for watching a missile test?

It's very slimming if you're sort of carrying a bit of weight here.

It can really bring your waist in

and I think it's the de rigueur outfit

for launching a ballistic missile.

If you're planning... If you want to, "What shall I wear?

"I'll ask a gay friend.

"He says pinstripe."

Do you think,

in the event of whether or not he has any gay friends

and we'd imagine, no, right.

Do you think, the fact that he's wearing pinstripe

means that somebody had the nerve to go to Kim Jong-un and go,

"Maybe if one were to be carrying a little bit of weight..."?


"I'm not saying you are, I'm not saying you are,

"I'm just saying it would be quite slimming in that situation".

I'm not sure he's got that, because that same person, presumably,

would have looked at his hair and been like,

"Yeah, that's absolutely fine".


Anyway, meanwhile, what are the government ministers

cracking down on - genuinely cracking down on this week?

People claiming insurance claims

for getting food poisoning while on holiday.

Yes. Because it's time for that to stop.

Who was aware that we needed to draw a line in the sand on that one?

Who woke up this morning and went,

"Too many people are claiming falsely

"that they got sick when they were on holiday".

Apparently it's rife, this claiming back for illness on holiday.

And the reaction is 50% of people going,

"That's terrible because that surely goes back

on to our insurance costs and 50% of them going,

"You can do that? I wasn't aware you could do that".

Remember, remember, Brenda had that dicky tummy round about day 3.

That would be worth a few quid, wouldn't it?

I once saw a list of complaints to Thomas Cook,

and my favourite one was from a woman in Surrey who said,

"I want to complain about my holiday in Barbados.

"It took us eight hours to get home."


"It only took the Americans three hours to get home".

Apparently, if you get caught doing this...

Yes. can go to prison for three years.

Imagine the conversation, "Oh, what are you in for?"

"I murdered my family, what about you?"

"I pretended to have diarrhoea in Zante

"so I didn't have to pay for a Steak Frites".

ED: Is it all people doing it just for insurance

or is just that classic British holiday-maker thing

of drinking 15 pints and then claiming the fact that

you're puking your ring on the prawn cocktail you had?

Did you just say "puking your ring?"

Puking your ring, yeah.

Irish colloquialism. It's an Irish phrase.

Never heard that, puking your ring.

What does it mean? Is it something to do with Lord of the Rings?

You puke so hard your own arsehole comes up and out through your mouth.



It's a rich culture, the Irish. Rich culture.

Far too rich if you're puking like that.

We are a witty and loquacious people.

You should hear my father simply describe every fart he lets.

"Mm. You could knit that one".

You know, that kind of thing.


"Mm. You won't get that out in a cold wash".

Oh, it's like Ulysses, isn't it, really?

It's amazing when the Irish Tourist Board used that

as one of their things.

Come for the landscape.

It's not just the music and the mountains people come for.


Big Ed's bumholes.

There's eating and drinking in that one.

Mm. That one came out with its boots on.

Where a fart isn't just a fart.


Yeah, a little...

Oh, you don't play panpipes.

I was about to say panpipes. Panpipes?

What do you think we are?

Mexican Irish.

Welcome to Ireland. PLAYS PAN PIPES

It's Peru!

You'll have come from the lakes of Killarney, won't you?


I was about to say the penny whistle

doesn't actually make any noise.

No, the penny whistle is more of a Bolivian thing.

Buenos Dias. Tootle-toot!

At the end of that, the points go to Ed, Tiff and Nish.


Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.

So if everyone can make their way over

to the performance area, please.

I'll read out this week's topics,

and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is...

Things a Sports Commentator Would Never Say.

Eight no balls in a row.

Usual enough for the Women's 100m final.


Rory McIlroy is on the green.

He holds the baby lamb aloft.

This is for an eagle.



They think it's all over.

It is now, I'm dead.

And the Russian champ beginning her floor routine now.

Running, running, running,

big jump and a tumble and a little tumble,

and then rolling around and a little bit of swirling as I...

To be honest with you, I normally do the darts.


Joe Root's up now for England.

He's quite cute, isn't he?

He could spend a couple of hours at my crease.


And at the end of that match it's 0-0,

but it doesn't matter because both teams are just such lovely people.


Well, there are three horses in it.

This is the worst sausage I have ever had.


And the Ferrari crosses the line

in the worst case of cheating

the London Marathon has ever seen.

Welcome to the Monaco Grand Prix and, yes,

they do all sound a lot like bees.


Well, Gary and I are in the commentary position.

If you want to know where that is

it's on page 32 between missionary and wheelbarrow.

Shock news as Fifa awards the 2022 World Cup to the Islamic State.


Say what you like about these cyclists.

But, boy, do they know their drugs.


The referee there taking down Ronaldo's number.

Not really the time or the place, but good to see

we've kicked homophobia out of football.


And as is traditional, the leader of the Tour de France

now awarded with the yellow jersey

to remind him what colour his piss is supposed to be.


15. 30.

In a chatroom, it's so difficult to tell.


Incredible delivery from Serena Williams.

The baby came out in seven minutes and she didn't even shit herself.


Oh, that is long, very long!

I'll put it away now and get on with the commentary.


OK, and the next topic is Unlikely Lines From a Thriller.

Boss, I've got some news about the criminal

who's been impersonating Sting.

He's turned himself into The Police.


We've got to get out before it goes off.

Oh, no, I've misread the sell-by date, we've got another week.


Yes, my name is Pussy Galore.

Yeah, obviously it's a codename.

My real name? Oh, it's Fanny Everywhere.


Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!

You, in the Game Of Thrones T-shirt,

what did I just say about being cool?


Strapped to a railway line.

Thank God, it's Southern. I've got six hours to escape.


Whoever you are, I will find you and I will kill you.

Now can you tell me your postcode so I can pop it in the Sat Nav?


Mr Brown, meet Mr White.

I really should learn these diplomats' names.


You can beat me as much as you like, but I can't tell you where he is.

That's how it's all set up.

No-one knows where Wally is.


Go, leave me behind.

I love you, that's why I'm saying this.

Go ahead without me.

You only get one chance to play The Crystal Maze.


Argh! I'm so angry about all these people observing Ramadan.

Nigel Farage stars in The Fast and The Furious.


Male, 30 to 35, Caucasian.

No obvious sign of trauma.

Oh. No, wait, the head should be attached to the body, shouldn't it?


Right, we was going down the match,

going down to see the match with some of the lads

and some bloke's got killed, hasn't he?

Yeah, it was Murder on the Leyton Orient Express.


Oh, my God, you're the Zodiac killer.

Before you do it, I'm a Libra, just let me know what I've got coming up.


This elevator company is corrupt,

and I think it goes all the way to the top.


You can kill me, but if you do,

you will never find the sarin gas canister

I have placed in the president's fridge.



You're trying to expose corruption in my elevator company?

You're going down.

At the end of that, the points go to Ed, Tiff and Nish.


And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Nish Kumar, Tiff Stevenson and Ed Byrne.


Commiserations to Rhys James, Hugh Dennis and Tom Allen.


Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.


# Read about the things that happen throughout the world

# Don't believe in everything you see or hear

# Read all about it!

# Read all about it!

# News of the World! News of the World! #

The Description of Mock the Week, Series 16, Episode 6. Rhys James, Tom Allen, Ed Byrne, Nish Kumar, Tiff Stevenson.