Jeff: Look, what I want you to do is, I just want you to look over there while I'm getting him out.
So you won't peek, okay? Just look over there.
Achmed: Oh, wait a minute. When I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?
No. That's actually a good way of doing it, you know.
Kind of old-school, but effective. It's like, "Hey look at that—" [sound of choking]
Jeff: Now, just look over there and don't look back until I say so.
Achmed: Okay, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, huh?
Jeff: Yeah, just look over there, [Achmed: Okay.] don't peek.
Achmed: Okay, not gonna peek but you're still weird. Now?
[Clapping and cheering]
Achmed Jr: Ahhh!...
Achmed: Who the hell is that?
Achmed Jr: Hello father.
[Laughing and cheering]
Jeff: It's your son, Achmed Jr.
AJ: That's right.
Achmed: Wait, I thought you were dead.
Jeff: This is great.
Achmed: Hey, what happened to your face? Oh yeah, my bad.
Jeff: Achmed, he's your son look at him. What do you see?
Achmed: Well...he does have my eye. [laughing from Achmed]
AJ: Actually, I do yes, I do.
Achmed: Why do you sound like Elton John?
Jeff: When you were separated after the accident, he was raised in England.
AJ: Did my mum miss me?
Achmed: (mumbling) Uhh, yeah... I don't know, what the hell...
Jeff: How do you not know?
AJ: What's wrong with your leg?
Achmed: Nothing. (to Jeff) What's wrong with my leg?
Jeff: I don't know.. [laughs]
Achmed: Can you fix this?
Jeff: No, I don't think so.. [laughing]
AJ: Don't look at me.
Jeff: Here, we get Marnell to help us.
Jeff: Marnell he worked-
Achmed: I know Mar-Mar- (yelling) Marnell! Come fix my leg.
[Clapping and cheering]
AJ: He's kind of cute.
Achmed: (awkwardly) Okay, moving on!
Jeff: Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is?
Achmed: [scoffs] I had 46 wives you idiot. They all dress the same and their faces were covered.
Jeff: How'd you tell them apart?
Achmed: The numbers on their backs.
Jeff: That's terrible.
Achmed: I know, mother's day is a bitch...
...and so are most of the mothers.
AJ: That's not funny at all!
Achmed: Atall? Who is Atall?
Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who is all bulgy-eyed like you.
Achmed: Well look at him!
AJ: Well, you're not exactly squinting.
Achmed: Well at least my face is balanced. You manage to look asleep and terrified all at the same time.
Jeff: Achmed, he's your son!
Achmed: Well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree,
and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower.
[Laughter and clapping]
AJ: You caused the accident.
Achmed: Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction.
AJ: You didn't mean for it to happen.
Achmed: I did too!
AJ: You did not!
Achmed: N-- (yelling angrily) Oh shit, Marnell!
Son of a bitch!
AJ: Are you talking to me now?
Achmed: (to Marnell) Fix it right, or I kick your ass!
Marnell, come back!
My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole.
AJ: He can fix my pelvis anytime.
(The man who wrote the subtitles before me had the same idea as me) (y'all nasty)
Achmed: (angrily) Shut up!
Jeff: Okay, look-- okay, look.
So the explosion you were talking about; how did it happen?
Achmed: Very precise and careful planning.
AJ: Not exactly.
Achmed: I said shut up!
Jeff: What happened?
AJ: He was putting gasoline in his scooter.
Jeff: So why was there an explosion?
Achmed: (quietly) Shit happens...
AJ: He was using a cell phone.
Jeff: While putting gas in your scooter? You know that's dangerous.
Achmed: Well, it was your mother who called.
Achmed: I don't know.
Jeff: What was her name?
Jeff: And you guys haven't had any contact since?
Achmed: Not much, he's a bad son.
AJ: I am not.
Achmed: Tell him what you sent me for my birthday.
AJ: It was an honest mistake.
Jeff: What'd you send him?
Achmed: He sent me a bottle of skin lotion.
AJ: He made it worse!
Jeff: What'd you do?
Achmed: I sent him back half a bottle! [laughs]
Jeff: You know, maybe you should try and patch things up.
Achmed: Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch.
AJ: But I'm here for a reason.
Achmed: What? a skin graft? Sorry, I'm all out! Fuck. (screams) Marnell!
(yelling) Come fix my fucking leg!
(angrily) Get duct tape, you asshole!
Jeff: (laughing) He actually brought duct tape.
[Loud cheering and laughing]
AJ: He's kinky too..
Achmed: Shut up!
Jeff: So Achmed, do you know why AJ's here?
Achmed: Well... wait a minute! This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it?
Whichever one she was..
Jeff: No, that's not it--
Achmed: (interrupting) This is bad because I've seen the crap that you're going through
and I don't know how you can afford even a t-shirt.
Jeff: Thank you.
Achmed: (quietly) Did I say that just how you wrote it?
Jeff: Yes, thank you.
Achmed: Okay. Good luck with the judge.
I hope he's fair.
Jeff: Actually, the-- the judge is a woman.
AJ: You're fucked.
Achmed: Okay, listen you!
Jeff: Achmed-- [Achmed: What?] you're getting hostile.
Achmed: Of course I'm getting hostile. I'm a terrorist you idiot, you piss me off I kill you!
AJ: Would that really solve anything?
Achmed: Pretty much yeah, I think it does.
Achmed: I have nothing in common with my own son.
Jeff: Just talk to him.
Jeff: I don't know.. like you would anybody.
Achmed: Okay, WTF!!
OMG... I mean, OMA.
[Laughter and clapping]
Jeff: And you have no idea why he's here?
Achmed: To start his training as a terrorist.
AJ: No, father. That's just it... I don't want to be a terrorist.
Achmed: [gasps] But I want you to be just like me.
AJ: Well, I'm not and I won't be.
Jeff: Achmed, Can you accept that?
Achmed: I guess I can try.
Jeff: And AJ, what if he doesn't accept it?
AJ: I kill you.
Achmed: (happily) That's my boy!
[Applause and cheering]