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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Achmed the Dead Terrorist Has a Son - Jeff Dunham - Controlled Chaos | JEFF DUNHAM

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Jeff: Look, what I want you to do is, I just want you to look over there while I'm getting him out.

So you won't peek, okay? Just look over there.

Achmed: Oh, wait a minute. When I'm not looking, are you going to kill me?

No. That's actually a good way of doing it, you know.

Kind of old-school, but effective. It's like, "Hey look at that—" [sound of choking]

Jeff: Now, just look over there and don't look back until I say so.

Achmed: Okay, whatever. This is kind of like Christmas, huh?

Jeff: Yeah, just look over there, [Achmed: Okay.] don't peek.

Achmed: Okay.

Achmed: Okay, not gonna peek but you're still weird. Now?

Jeff: No!

Achmed: Okay!

[Clapping and cheering]

Achmed: Ahh!!

Achmed Jr: Ahhh!...

Achmed: Who the hell is that?

Achmed Jr: Hello father.

[Laughing and cheering]

Jeff: It's your son, Achmed Jr.

Achmed: AJ?

AJ: That's right.

Achmed: Wait, I thought you were dead.

AJ: Surprise.

Jeff: This is great.

Achmed: Hey, what happened to your face? Oh yeah, my bad.

[Laughing]

Jeff: Achmed, he's your son look at him. What do you see?

Achmed: Well...he does have my eye. [laughing from Achmed]

AJ: Actually, I do yes, I do.

Achmed: Why do you sound like Elton John?

Jeff: When you were separated after the accident, he was raised in England.

AJ: Did my mum miss me?

Achmed: (mumbling) Uhh, yeah... I don't know, what the hell...

Jeff: How do you not know?

Achmed: Oops.

[Laughter]

AJ: What's wrong with your leg?

Achmed: Nothing. (to Jeff) What's wrong with my leg?

Jeff: I don't know.. [laughs]

Achmed: Can you fix this?

Jeff: No, I don't think so.. [laughing]

Achmed: Damnit..

AJ: Don't look at me.

Jeff: Alright.

Jeff: Here, we get Marnell to help us.

Achmed: What?

Jeff: Marnell he worked-

Achmed: I know Mar-Mar- (yelling) Marnell! Come fix my leg.

[Clapping and cheering]

AJ: He's kind of cute.

Achmed: (awkwardly) Okay, moving on!

Jeff: Wait a minute, how do you not know who his mother is?

Achmed: [scoffs] I had 46 wives you idiot. They all dress the same and their faces were covered.

Jeff: How'd you tell them apart?

Achmed: The numbers on their backs.

Jeff: That's terrible.

Achmed: I know, mother's day is a bitch...

[Laughter]

...and so are most of the mothers.

AJ: That's not funny at all!

Achmed: Atall? Who is Atall?

Was she your mother? I don't remember a woman who is all bulgy-eyed like you.

Jeff: Bulgy-eyed?

Achmed: Well look at him!

AJ: Well, you're not exactly squinting.

Achmed: Well at least my face is balanced. You manage to look asleep and terrified all at the same time.

Jeff: Achmed, he's your son!

Achmed: Well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree,

and apparently this one got run over by a fucking lawnmower.

[Laughter and clapping]

AJ: You caused the accident.

Achmed: Accident? It was a huge explosion with great fire and destruction.

AJ: You didn't mean for it to happen.

Achmed: I did too!

AJ: You did not!

Achmed: N-- (yelling angrily) Oh shit, Marnell!

Son of a bitch!

AJ: Are you talking to me now?

Achmed: (to Marnell) Fix it right, or I kick your ass!

Marnell, come back!

My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole.

AJ: He can fix my pelvis anytime.

(The man who wrote the subtitles before me had the same idea as me) (y'all nasty)

Achmed: (angrily) Shut up!

Jeff: Okay, look-- okay, look.

So the explosion you were talking about; how did it happen?

Achmed: Very precise and careful planning.

AJ: Not exactly.

Achmed: I said shut up!

Jeff: What happened?

Achmed: Nothing!

AJ: He was putting gasoline in his scooter.

Jeff: So why was there an explosion?

Achmed: (quietly) Shit happens...

AJ: He was using a cell phone.

Jeff: Really?

Achmed: What?

Jeff: While putting gas in your scooter? You know that's dangerous.

Achmed: Well, it was your mother who called.

AJ: Really?

Achmed: I don't know.

Jeff: What was her name?

Achmed: 42.

Jeff: And you guys haven't had any contact since?

Achmed: Not much, he's a bad son.

AJ: I am not.

Achmed: Tell him what you sent me for my birthday.

AJ: It was an honest mistake.

Jeff: What'd you send him?

Achmed: He sent me a bottle of skin lotion.

AJ: He made it worse!

Jeff: What'd you do?

Achmed: I sent him back half a bottle! [laughs]

Jeff: You know, maybe you should try and patch things up.

Achmed: Looks like he needs more than a fucking patch.

AJ: But I'm here for a reason.

Achmed: What? a skin graft? Sorry, I'm all out! Fuck. (screams) Marnell!

(yelling) Come fix my fucking leg!

(angrily) Get duct tape, you asshole!

Jeff: (laughing) He actually brought duct tape.

[Loud cheering and laughing]

AJ: He's kinky too..

Achmed: Shut up!

Jeff: So Achmed, do you know why AJ's here?

Achmed: Well... wait a minute! This isn't some crap about owing child support, is it?

That bitch!

Whichever one she was..

Jeff: No, that's not it--

Achmed: (interrupting) This is bad because I've seen the crap that you're going through

and I don't know how you can afford even a t-shirt.

Jeff: Thank you.

Achmed: (quietly) Did I say that just how you wrote it?

Jeff: Yes, thank you.

Achmed: Okay. Good luck with the judge.

I hope he's fair.

Jeff: Actually, the-- the judge is a woman.

AJ: You're fucked.

Achmed: Okay, listen you!

Jeff: Achmed-- [Achmed: What?] you're getting hostile.

Achmed: Of course I'm getting hostile. I'm a terrorist you idiot, you piss me off I kill you!

AJ: Would that really solve anything?

Achmed: Pretty much yeah, I think it does.

Jeff: Okay...

Achmed: I have nothing in common with my own son.

Jeff: Just talk to him.

Achmed: How?

Jeff: I don't know.. like you would anybody.

Achmed: Okay, WTF!!

OMG... I mean, OMA.

[Laughter and clapping]

Jeff: And you have no idea why he's here?

Achmed: To start his training as a terrorist.

AJ: No, father. That's just it... I don't want to be a terrorist.

Achmed: [gasps] But I want you to be just like me.

AJ: Well, I'm not and I won't be.

Jeff: Achmed, Can you accept that?

Achmed: I guess I can try.

Jeff: And AJ, what if he doesn't accept it?

AJ: I kill you.

Achmed: (happily) That's my boy!

[Applause and cheering]

The Description of Achmed the Dead Terrorist Has a Son - Jeff Dunham - Controlled Chaos | JEFF DUNHAM