Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Biden Releases His 2020 Tax Returns, Ariana Grande Gets Married | The Tonight Show
-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show."
You made it. You're watching.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
Well, guys, this is big news --
for the first time in over a year,
New York City has resumed 24-hour subway service.
[ Cheering and applause ]
That's right, the subways are
once again running 24 hours a day,
minus the 23 hours they're out of service,
[ Laughter ] but, still.
That's right, the subway's running 24 hours.
This is great news for the city, but,
a tough break for all the rat weddings
that are scheduled between 2:00 and 4:00 am.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Unfortunate.
Do you guys remember simpler times in New York City,
when the biggest health crisis was a pole on the 7 train?
[ Laughter ]
Touch that thing.
I'd rather fall into someone than touch that pole.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, there's the A, there's the B, the C,
a bunch of other types of hepatitis
you can get on the subway.
Just be careful when you grab that pole.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of New York, the Brooklyn Nets are
in the NBA playoffs.
-Oh! Wow!
[ Cheering and applause ]
They're in the NBA playoffs and Mayor Bill de Blasio
showed his team spirit while announcing
that their arena will also be a vaccination site.
Check out how he was dressed.
-The Nets are now going to be joining the battle against COVID
with a mobile vaccination site right outside Barclays Center.
[ Laughter ]
Right now, Jay-Z is like,
"Thank God I sold my piece of the Nets."
[ Laughter and applause ]
He looks like a guy who sits courtside
and can't get any high-fives from the players.
You know that guy?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, the classic basketball fan outfit -- hat, jersey,
and a blue button-down over the jersey.
I don't think I've ever seen anyone wear that
[ Laughter ] in my life, ever
You don't think there'd be someone in the office
to go like, "Anh...
Why don't you put the jersey over the shirt, maybe?
Ah, you know what?
Put the shirt over the jersey."
[ Laughter ] -The first thing you do is, "Are you alright?"
You know, "Are you okay?" -That's the fashion version
of an air ball, you know? [ Laughter ]
Rob Lowe looked more natural at the NFC Championship
and he was just --
I guess he was rooting for football, there.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of vaccination sites,
later this week, a strip club in Las Vegas
will be offering the COVID vaccine.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Alright, now, we're up to two poles
you shouldn't put your hands on, okay?
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the strip club is the only vaccination site
where you leave and still need to get tested.
You know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ]
That's right, when you walk into the club,
there's a sign that says,
"Two-dose minimum," you know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ] The idea makes sense.
If we're being honest, the vaccines
do kind of sound like stripper names, like,
"Put your hands together for Moderna!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Vuvuzela blasts ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
Well, guys, COVID restrictions
are being lifted around the country,
which means people are finally getting out for the first time
in over a year and a lot of us have forgotten
what's normal behavior and what's not.
For example, it's normal for things
to get a little stressful at the grocery store
when it's busy, but it's not normal doing this.
-Police say a fight broke out between two women
in the potato chip aisle.
Security footage caught one woman
hitting the woman in the face
with a 10-pound log of prepackaged meat.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Also, with the weather warming up,
it's normal if you want to go outside and hang out.
What's not normal is doing it like this.
-One South Florida man tried to tell police
he was just hanging out.
The only problem was he was relaxing on a traffic light.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, it's totally normal to start traveling again, okay?
What's not normal is doing this.
-A Colorado man is facing federal charges this morning,
accused of disrupting an Alaska Airlines flight
by refusing to wear a mask
and then urinating in the cabin.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh, my God.
-He was pissed.
[ Laughter ]
-Some news out of Washington --
last night, President Biden released his tax returns
and the White House put out a statement that said...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Then just to rub it in Trump's face even more,
they tweeted it, you know.
[ Laughter ]
But this is nice -- according to their tax return,
the Bidens gave over $30,000 to charity, yeah.
It was an offshoot of Big Brothers Big Sisters,
called Big Bidens Little Carters.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some news from overseas --
I read that Kim Jong-un has banned citizens
from having mullets or wearing skinny jeans.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Right now, everyone's like, "I can't believe
I'm saying this, but I agree with Kim Jong-un."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I mean, come on, compared to Kim Jong-un,
all pants are skinny pants. Look at this.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Let me see that picture again.
-Come on.
-His waist and his leg hole are both size 38.
[ Laughter ]
Listen to this -- according to a new report,
some U.S. airlines may start weighing passengers
before they board their flight.
[ Booing ]
You know Americans will be like --
[ Surfer voice ] Wait, let me take off my mask
and see if that makes a difference
because, you know, I've been wearing it all day.
It's like four pounds of mask weight, so.
[ Laughter ]
Now, when you get to the airport,
you get searched and weighed.
We're basically a urine sample away
from it being a full physical.
[ Laughter ]
It's not as bad as it sounds.
You just discreetly step on a scale
and then, the pilot announces it to everyone onboard.
"Okay, Jerry weighs 310 pounds."
[ Laughter ]
Some celebrity news -- over the weekend,
Ariana Grande surprised everyone
and got married in a small ceremony. Hey!
[ Cheering and applause ]
We love you, Ariana! We love Ariana.
[ Applause ]
It was the only wedding where the priest said,
"We will now exchange these seven rings."
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, I was watching MSNBC yesterday
and something pretty unfortunate happened to a cyclist
taking a selfie behind the reporter. Watch this.
-And we know that these changes --
-Oh! -Oh, boy.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. Her friends were like,
"Well, on the bright side, your selfie's trending."
Did you guys hear about Andrew Giuliani?
He's Rudy Giuliani's son.
Well, he's running for governor of New York in 2022.
-Ooh. -And get this --
he's already testing out some campaign slogans.
First up, there's -- -Oh, here we go!
[ Laughter ]
What's up?
-Let me guess -- you're going to make fun of Andrew Giuliani
by saying a bunch of fake slogans.
-Yeah, I mean, that was the plan.
[ Laughter ] And then,
each slogan is going to pop up as a graphic,
so everybody can see it and laugh about it.
[ Laughter ]
-Right. I often tell jokes about the news.
-I know exactly how this will go down.
The top of the screen is going to have a picture
of Andrew Giuliani and it'll say...
[ Laughter ] And then, underneath that, you'll list stuff, like...
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah. -Or...
[ Laughter ] -Yes. That's right.
-And then, and then...
[ Laughter ] And then, you'll show
a photo of his dad with his hair dye leaking
and then you'll do -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-a few more slogans, like...
[ Laughter ] Or...
And then you'll end it, I guess,
with something on the nose, like...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Is that how it's going to go?
-You nailed it.
-That's a fun bit, man. You should do it.
[ Laughter ] -Great. We'll do it tomorrow.
