Practice English Speaking&Listening with: Sara Contreras • Latin Diva of Comedy • FULL SET | LOLflix

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PLEASE MAKE WELCOME MISS SARA CONTRERAS.

MY FATHER WAS REAL FUNNY.

BUT WE GREW UP THERE WAS SIX OF US.

WE WERE SIX IN THE HOUSE, TWO WERE DEAF.

I REMEMBER LAUGHING A LOT WHEN I WAS A KID.

YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, WHEN I GREW UP, I GREW UP IN BROOKLYN.

IT WAS PUERTO RICAN AND BLACK, AND THAT WAS ALL I KNEW.

I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW DOMINICANS.

FORGET MEXICANS.

OH, MY GOD!

THE MEXICANS WERE ON TV.

THAT WAS IT.

WE DIDN'T KNOW ANY MEXICANS.

THERE WERE NO MEXICANS.

I REMEMBER WHEN NEW YORK WAS JUST PUERTO RICAN.

GOD, I MISS THOSE DAYS.

ALL THESE FOREIGNERS.

MY SON WAS A C-SECTION, WHO WAS BORN ON FRIDAY THE 13th, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE HAS LIVED UP TO THAT.

OH, YEAH.

GREAT KID, BUT JUST LIKE A PCE OF GUM STUCK ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT.

I CAN'T GET RID OF THIS KID.

MY SON IS 23.

HE GOT MARRIED.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YEAH, NOW HIS WIFE IS LIVING WITH ME.

OKAY.

IF I DO SOMETHING THAT HE DOESN'T LIKE, HE REALLY LETS ME KNOW.

MY DAUGHTER COULD CARE LESS.

MY DAUGHTER'S LIKE, "AJA, I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT HOW YOU'RE GONNA DO PORN TO PAY FOR COLLEGE,"

AND SHE THINKS IT'S HYSTERICAL.

SHE KNOWS IT'S A JOKE.

SHE'S NOT AS HOT-TEMPERED AS MY SON IS.

WELL, "BORIKéN" IS THE TAíNO NAME FOR "PUERTO RICO,"

SO THAT'S WHERE "BORICUA" COMES FROM.

SO, YEAH, THAT'S WHAT BEING PUERTO RICAN IS.

AND RIGHT NOW DO YOU GO BACK?

I LIVE WITH MY PEOPLE RIGHT NOW THE JEWS.

THAT'S WHO I LIVE WITH.

OKAY?

I LIVE IN A PREDOMINANTLY RELIGIOUS

'CAUSE LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, HONEY

MY PROPERTY VALUE IS TO DIE FOR.

PEOPLE WANT A BODEGA.

I WANT A SYNAGOGUE RIGHT ON THAT CORNER.

I KNOW HOW TO BUY.

I KNOW HOW TO BUY.

I'M NOT PLAYING.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I AM?

THIS IS AN INSIDER JOKE.

I'M THE SHABBOS GOYIM.

I AM THE ONE THAT TURNS ON ALL THE LIGHTS AND EVERYTHING

'CAUSE THEY CAN'T DO IT ON THE SABBATH.

THEY ALL LIKE ME FOR THAT.

YEAH, I WORK.

I GIVE OUT CARDS AT TEMPLE.

I DO MICROWAVES, DISHWASHERS.

I HAVE ISRAEL ON SPEED DIAL.

THAT'S RIGHT, I DON'T PLAY.

I'M NOT LIVING WITH PUERTO RICANS ANYMORE.

LOVE YOU GUYS.

BUT THE RADIO GOES OFF AT 10:00, OKAY?

IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?

THE RADIO HAS TO GO OFF AT A DECENT TIME.

AND NOW WITH THIS REGGAETON OH, IT'S JUST SO MONOTONOUS...

SHE'S SEXY, SHE'S FUNNY, SHE'S INTELLIGENT.

THAT'S ME.

AND SHE'S A LATIN DIVA.

PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE

SARA CONTRERAS.

HERE I COME!

WATCH IT, WATCH IT!

I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.

I JUST FLEW IN FROM NEW YORK.

THAT'S RIGHT!

THAT'S RIGHT!

A VERY TOUGH PLACE TO BE IF YOU'RE A SINGLE MOM.

SOMETIMES YOU GO DOWN TO THE BODEGA,

ALL YOU GOT IS $5 IN YOUR POCKET.

YOU GOT DECISIONS TO MAKE.

BREAKFAST MILK

OR MY NEWPORT LIGHTS?

CALCIUM, NICOTINE.

CALCIUM, NICOTINE.

DAMN, I GOT TO CHOOSE!

AND THEN THE MORNINGS LOOK LIKE THIS.

[ INHALING ]

I KNOW THE COCOA PUFFS ARE DRY, PAPI.

DARE TO BE DIFFERENT. PUT SOME O.J. IN THAT

AND STOP BEING SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS, ALL RIGHT?

OH, YOU WANT CALCIUM?

MIRA, SUCK ON THIS TUMS. YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF, ALL RIGHT?

I HAVE A 19 YEAR-OLD SON STILL LIVING AT HOME WITH ME,

AND I CANNOT GET THAT TONTO TO RUN AWAY.

I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING. I PUT ASBESTOS IN HIS ROOM.

LEAD-BASED PAINT.

I PUNCHED HOLES IN HIS CONDOM.

I DON'T CARE, KNOCK SOMEONE UP.

GET A LIFE.

GET OUT!

GET THE FK OUT!

PARENTING IS OVERRATED.

I'M TELLING YOU, I AM TIRED OF SACRIFICING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

I BUY HIM DESIGNER UNDERWEAR.

MEANWHILE, MY BRA IS SO DILAPIDATED,

I DON'T HAVE A HOOK AT THE END, I GOT A FORK.

I WANT TO TAKE MY BRA OFF, ALL I GOT TO DO IS GO, "UNH!"

POP!

IT POPS RIGHT OFF.

HE GETS THE CALVIN KLEIN. I GET THE PLIERS TO BEND THAT SUCKER BACK

SO I COULD WEAR THAT BRA ANOTHER EIGHT YEARS.

I HATE THAT KID.

AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING HE SAYS.

THE LINGO NOWADAYS ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO, HE WALKS IN.

"YO, MA, WHAT'S REALLY GOOD?

YO, MA, WHAT'S REALLY GOOD?"

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT MEANT, "HOW YOU DOING?"

I DIDN'T KNOW.

SO HE WALKS IN, "YO, MA WHAT'S REALLY GOOD?"

I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU MOVING OUT?

THAT WOULD BE REALLY GOOD, PAPI.

THAT WOULD, IN FACT, BE EXCELLENT."

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOOD ABOUT WHAT'S REALLY COOL ABOUT HAVING A 19-YEAR-OLD?

ALL HIS LITTLE 20-, 21-, 22-YEAR-OLD FRIENDS.

HIS FRIENDS ARE IN LOVE WITH ME.

YO, THEY BE COMING UP TO ME "YO, YO, I'M SAYING.

YOU KNOW, I'M SAYING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

WHY DON'T YOU, YOU KNOW?

WHY DON'T YOU, YOU KNOW?"

"WHY DON'T YOU STAY STILL?

I'M DIZZY!"

YOU LITTLE 22-YEAR-OLD KNUCKLEHEADS.

"YO, MA, I'M GONNA ROCK YOUR WORLD."

I'M LIKE, "PAPA, ESTO ES MUCHO JAMóN PA' DOS HUEVITOS."

HA HA HA!

HA HA!

MY 16-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER SHE HAS PLANS.

SHE WANTS TO GO TO A FANCY COLLEGE.

SO I TELL HER, "MAMA, I'M A SINGLE MOM.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HELP OUT WITH THE EXPENSES."

SHE GOES, "ALL RIGHT, MAMI, I'LL TAKE OUT A STUDENT LOAN."

I'M LIKE, "NO, MAMA, YOU'RE GONNA DO PORN.

YOU'RE PRETTY.

Tú ERES LINDA."

I'M ONLY KIDDING.

ACTUALLY, SHE'S GONNA TURN TRICKS FIRST.

I ALREADY CALLED THE BUNNY RANCH.

WE'RE MOVING TO LAS VEGAS.

YOU KNOW, I'M SAVING HER A LOT OF AGGRAVATION,

'CAUSE I FIGURE IF SHE'S GONNA BE USED BY ANYBODY,

LET IT BE ME.

CHIT, IT WORKED FOR BEYONCE AND LINDSAY LOHAN'S MOMS.

CHIT, FK THAT.

I JUST DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER SEE, THIS IS THE THING.

I DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BECOME A STATISTIC.

'CAUSE TOO MANY LATIN GIRLS, YOUNG WOMEN MAN, THEY JUST SPITTING BABIES OUT.

POP, POP!

POP, POP!

"I DON'T KNOW YOU. I JUST MET YOU. POP! HAVE A BABY."

"OH, YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED? YOU GOT THREE?

POP! HERE'S ONE MORE."

WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?

STOP!

YOU KNOW, AND IT'S ALL THAT... ♪ DAME, MAS GASOLINETHAT STUPIDITY!

DAME, MAS GASOLINE

WE SHOULD CHANGE THE SONG TO... ♪ CIERRA ESA FACTORíA

SHUT THAT FACTORY DOWN.

THINK ABOUT THE FUTURE.

CHIT, LIFE IS HARD, MAN, AND LIFE IS FAST.

I'M FINDING THIS EVERYTHING IS FAST.

I'M ALWAYS IN SUCH A HURRY

THAT I FIND THAT MY BRA HAS BECOME A STORAGE COMPARTMENT

FOR ITEMS OTHER THAN MY BREASTESES.

EVERYTHING IS GOING IN MY BRA 'CAUSE IT'S FAST

KEYS, CELLPHONE, PENS, NOTES, PETS, FOOD,

BLOW-DRYER, POWER TOOLS.

EVERYTHING IS JUST GOING IN MY BRA.

SO ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO,

I GO FOR A PHYSICAL,

AND THE DOCTOR SAYS TO ME, "MISS CONTRERAS,

IT'S TIME FOR YOUR BREAST EXAM.

YOU GOT TO TAKE YOUR BRA OFF."

SO, NATURALLY I WENT, "UNH!,"

'CAUSE I HAD THAT FKED-UP BRA I TOLD YOU ABOUT BEFORE.

POP!

AND THE DOCTOR'S MESMERIZED.

HE'S LOOKING AT MY CHEST.

I'M LIKE, "I KNOW, THEY'RE STILL BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE VERY KIND."

HE'S LIKE, "ACTUALLY, MISS CONTRERAS, YOU HAVE 50 CENTS STUCK ON THE SIDE OF YOUR TIT."

AND I LOOKED, AND I HAD TWO QUARTERS

AND A BOOK OF STAMPS RIGHT UNDERNEATH HERE.

IT WAS THE WEIRDEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, MAN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M IN CALIFORNIA.

I HATE FLYING.

I FLEW

WHEN THOSE RESTRICTIONS ON GELS AND LIQUIDS FIRST WENT INTO EFFECT,

AND THEY TOOK MY MASCARA.

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT A MAYBELLINE.

THEY TOOK A $28 LANCô ME MASCARA THAT I HAD BOUGHT FOR THE TRIP.

AND THAT LITTLE HOMELAND-SECURITY CHICK

OOH, SHE WAS REAL HAPPY.

SHE WAS LIKE, "THIS IS NICE. YOU CAN'T TAKE IT."

YOU KNOW, I'M PUERTO RICAN.

YOU KNOW HOW WE DO.

I WAS LIKE, "NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU GONNA KEEP THE CASE.

THE MASCARA IS MINE."

I SPENT THE NEXT 20 MINUTES PUTTING ON AS MUCH MASCARA

OH, HELL, NO.

OH, HELL, NO.

I PUT SO MUCH MASCARA ON

THAT I COULDN'T OPEN MY EYES, RIGHT?

SO THEY HAD TO HELP ME TO MY SEAT, RIGHT?

THEY THOUGHT I WAS BLIND.

I HEARD THIS LADY ON THE PLANE GO,

"THAT'S THE WORST CASE OF GLAUCOMA I'VE EVER SEEN.

HER EYES ARE MIDNIGHT BLACK."

STUPID, MAN.

SO, YEAH SINGLE WOMEN?

YES.

I AM SINGLE. I'VE BEEN SINGLE FOR A LONG TIME.

AND SINGLE, WHEN YOU'RE DATING THAT DATING SCENE IS LIKE A DELICATE BALANCE,

WHEN YOU GO ON THAT FIRST DATE,

BECAUSE YOU GOT TO COME OFF LIKE A GOOD GIRL.

YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU HAVEN'T SLEPT AROUND

AND YOU GOT GOOD MORALS AND STUFF LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

BUT YOU GOT TO EXUDE JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF SKANK SO HE'LL CALL YOU BACK.

RIGHT?

VERDAD QUE SI?

THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH.

NASTY-ASS.

BUT I DO HAVE ISSUES.

I LOVE MY MEN, BUT I DO HAVE ISSUES WITH MEN, AND LATELY, ONE OF THEM IS HAIR.

SOME OF THEM HAVE TOO LITTLE, SOME OF THEM HAVE TOO MUCH.

I DATED THIS GUY, RIGHT?

HE HAD A TOUPEE,

BUT WE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT.

HE NEVER BROUGHT IT UP.

IT WAS LIKE IT WASN'T THERE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN SOMEONE'S TRYING TO HIDE A COLD SORE AND CHIT?

LIKE, YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT, BUT YOU KNOW IT'S THERE.

SO I DECIDED THAT I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT,

BUT WHAT HAPPENED WAS,

I HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS.

HA HA!

AND I GOT REAL STUPID.

I WAS LIKE, "PAPA,

I GOT SOMETHING ON MY MIND."

"IT'S A REALLY HAIRY SUBJECT."

"AND I DON'T WANT TO SWEEP IT UNDER THE RUG."

HE NEVER CALLED ME AFTER THAT.

AND THEN THIS OTHER GUY OH, MY GOD.

I WAS DATING HIM FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS, RIGHT?

WHAT HAPPENED WAS,

I FINALLY PUT MY ARMS AROUND HIM

EW.

IT WAS SO THICK

UNDER HIS SHIRT,

I THOUGHT HE HAD A BRACE ON.

I WAS LIKE, "BENDITO, HE GOT SCOLIOSIS.

AND THEN I REALIZED

EWWWW!

THE HAIR WAS SO THICK,

IT WAS LIKE HE HAD VELCRO.

HE TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF, AND IT WENT, "CHKKK!"

I MEAN, IT WAS LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN BULLETPROOF VEST,

'CAUSE THAT CHIT WOULD STOP A BULLET.

I COULD SEE HIM WALKING DOWN THE BLOCK. POP POP

"OH, CHIT!

I GOT HIT!

NO, I DIDN'T. IT'S RIGHT HERE."

IT WAS SO BAD, I SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S WAX IT," RIGHT?

CHECK IT OUT.

SO I PUT THE WAX ON THE STRIP,

I PUT THE STRIP ON HIS HAIR, AND I PULLED,

BUT THE CHIT WAS SO THICK, IT PULLED THE WAX OFF THE STRIP.

IT'S HOPELESS.

AND PEOPLE TELL ME I'M TOO DEMANDING WHEN I DATE.

AND MAYBE I AM BECAUSE I REALLY INSIST ON A MAN

THAT READS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

GUYS,

THE CAPS OF THE SNAPPLE BOTTLES

THOSE ARE NOT ENCYCLOPEDIAS.

I GO OUT ON A DATE RECENTLY, AND I TELL THIS GUY,

"ARE YOU AWARE THAT THE UNITED STATES DID NOT SIGN THE KYOTO PROTOCOL

AND THAT WE ARE LAGGING IN THE BATTLE AGAINST GLOBAL WARMING?"

HE'S LIKE...

"NO, BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT KANGAROOS CAN'T WALK BACKWARDS?"

AND I'M NOT SAYING I'M OLD, BUT, GOD DAMN IT, IT'S DIFFERENT MAN.

IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE DOING THE WHOLE DATING SCENE,

THE CLUB SCENE, WHEN YOU'RE IN YOU'RE 20s

AND WHEN YOU'RE IN YOUR...

LATE 20s.

'CAUSE I REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY, MAN

THE BOUNDLESS ENERGY THAT EXISTS WHEN YOU'RE THAT AGE IT'S AMAZING.

I REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY, I GET TO THE CLUB AT 9:30.

9:30.

AND AT 5:30 IN THE MORNING, AFTER EIGHT HOURS OF DANCING AND PARTYING AND RUNNING AROUND,

I'D BE LIKE, "AH, NENA, I'M NOT EVEN SWEATING."

"WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO NOW?"

CHIT, NOWADAYS,

I NEED TWO WEEKS' NOTICE.

I NEED TWO WEEKS TO GO TO THE GYM, WORK OUT, TAKE MY ECHINACEA,

TAKE MY PROTEIN SHAKE, MY VITAMINS, GET MY EKG CHECKED,

CHECK MY BLOOD PRESSURE, HAVE A PHYSICAL,

SEE IF THERE'S A DEFIBRILLATOR IN THE CLUB,

SEE WHERE THE CLOSEST EMERGENCY ROOM IS,

SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES THE PARAMEDICS TO REACH THE CLUB.

I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE, I'M TELLING YOU.

I GET TO THE CLUB NOW AT 9:30.

NO, I'M SORRY, 12:30 BECAUSE GOD FORBID ANYBODY GETS THERE BEFORE 12:30.

AN HOUR LATER, 1:30...

"OOH, I'M HURTING."

[ GROANING ]

"NENA, WHAT'S THAT SOUND?"

"THAT'S YOU, BITCH. STOP THAT CHIT ALREADY.

CAN'T TAKE YOU ANYWHERE.

"NENA, IT'S HOT AS HELL IN HERE.

OH, MY GOD.

MY UNDERARMS ARE GETTING STAINED.

LOOK AT THIS CHIT.

OH, MY GOD.

CHA-CHA MY SCIATICA'S KILLING ME.

I'M GETTING A CRAMP.

GETTING A CRAMP, NENA.

IT'S REALLY BAD."

"NENA, ESTA FAJA NO ME DEJA RESPIRAR.

THIS GIRDLE DON'T LET ME BREATHE.

I'M DYING OVER HERE.

THAT APPLE MARTINI AGGRAVATED MY ESOPHAGEAL REFLUX.

I'M GONNA TAKE SOME NEXIUM."

"BY THE WAY,

DID YOU BRING YOUR NEBULIZER?"

"I DON'T HAVE ASTHMA, BUT I CAN'T BREATHE.

OH, THANK YOU, PAPI.

I APPRECIATE THAT."

I AIN'T GONNA LIE.

I'M TIRED OF TELLING THAT JOKE.

PEEWW

AAHHH.

WOW!

NOW, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I RAG ON MEN,

BUT I LOVE MY LATIN MEN.

IDO,

I LOVE MEN.

AND I REALIZE THEY'RE VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

I DO.

MIRA COMO ESTOY.

I REALIZE MEN ARE IMPORTANT TO ME. AND YOU KNOW WHERE I REALIZE IT THE MOST?

WHEN I GO TO THE GYM.

'CAUSE WHEN I GO TO THE GYM, IT'S NO BIG DEAL, YOU KNOW?

I SQUAT.

I EXTEND.

I MARCH IN PLACE.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

BUT THE MINUTE THAT I SEE TWO GUYS CHECKING ME OUT...

WHOO!

I TURN INTO A NIKE COMMERCIAL!

I'M LIKE, "THEY LOOKING AT ME 'CAUSE I LOOK GOOD."

I LEFT MY MAKEUP ON.

AND THEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

MASCARA'S RUNNING...

EYE LASHES ON MY EARLOBES.

HAIR LOOKING LIKE AL SHARPTON BEFORE THE PERM.

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD THEY'RE NOT LOOKING AT ME 'CAUSE I LOOK ATHLETIC.

THEY'RE WONDERING, 'HOW DID THAT CRACKHEAD AFFORD THIS MEMBERSHIP?'"

THANK YOU, SAN BERNARDINO.

SARA CONTRERAS!

The Description of Sara Contreras • Latin Diva of Comedy • FULL SET | LOLflix