(Soft Piano Music)
Just listen to the cool calming sounds of the ocean...
Oh, fuck, are we going?
This week on Rage Quit, we're playing "Lifeguard".
Uhhh, why is she wearing shoes? I dunno. Take 'em off!
I guess I'm just gonna hit- Do I have to hit all those buttons to start? I do.
O-Oh come on! God-What is this?
Alright, so she's looking...
Hey, I'm the lifeguard. You need saving?
Okay, I'll save you and I'll fucking eat you.
Oh- oh yeah. Oh! I'm playing now.
Okay, hit X. hit X again. AH FUCK!
That's how it happens it the life of a lifeguard.
In the life lifeguard.
Sometimes you just gotta slap some suntan lotion on a chick,
and if you fuck it up, you fail and get fired.
Try this again.
She looks angry...
she looks okay...
and now she looks an- Everybody looks fucking angry!
Everyone's gonna beat the shit outta me-
FUCKING FUCK! I was mashing the A button!
Look at her fucking face. Look at her stupid, quizzical, dunce face look.
"Durr, the sun's hot. Why?"
This just looks like the most sensual rub ever.
I'm gonna randomly place my hand at the top and then the bottom of your back.
Are you aroused yet? Because I am!
FUCK ME! How long is this gonna take?!
Okay... there's no fucking triangle-MOTHERFUCKER!
There is no triangle, there is a Y button and that's what I pressed.
Need to fucking save some lives! I can't do that just touching this chick's back!
"Yeah your back looks great. Get in the water and start drownin'! I got work to do!"
Speedin' up... Oooh, I think we're near the end...
Fucking finally! Alright.
"But the lifeguards work hadn't gone un-noticed..."
What the fuck is that?
They call the fucking guy: "a creature"!
Well, they're not wrong. He's pretty creature looking.
That's just offensive. Clearly that woman's pregnant. "You fucking fat bitch!"
"How dare you be pregnant?"
Now we're fucking- Now we're going after small people...?
and a FUCKING HORSE?! WHAT?! IS HE THE FATHER OF THE BABY?!
Fuck me! Are we gonna do wheelies? Do I get to drive a car? Yeah I do! Oh! Nope.
Alright, the word "drive" is innacurate.
The word is fly the car.
Oh, I flew in that fucking cone.
So I ran a guy over and it was fine
I fucking squished his guts and fucking
just crunched through his bones
and left him there at the beach
and now it is fine
but a fucking traffic a cone...
Never mind, I guess it is not fine!
What the fuck did I hit that time?
This is why I don't drive stick.
It fucking doesn't make any sense.
Just fucking automatic- Mother fucker!
I don't even think it's physically possible for me to do the wheelie she
was doing- fuck you- in the thumbnail...
cause I can't move the car at all. It just goes up and down!
I do like outset 69 at the end though.
Wait, does that mean something? Driving along the beach, murdering beachgoers- fuck you-
and avoiding avoiding deadly traffic cones.
There's some pretty sweet music playing while I'm killing.
I often like to kill to the soundtrack.
I'm fucking driving along the beach, don't mind me if you see me comin'
Keep playing on the beach
I won't run you over, unless I do
Oops, I ran you over too.
Oooohh, you were on your phone?
Dude you gotta watch out.
Text will gonna get you, don't text and drive.
or text while someone else is driving on the beach and running you over
Killing people's- Oh, fuck, fuck! Fuck!
Killing people is fun, said the fucking goddamn cone...
This game is fucking violent. And why is the Jeep keep starting the wrong way?
And what's that shovel for?
Give me that shovel!
We're gonna hit the fucking cones. Holy shit on a fucking stick.
It just-- It just keeps going. Just doesn't stop.
Come on. I'm no mechanic, but I think the engine trouble might have something to
do with the 37 people you left bloodied and battered on the fucking beach.
Do you know how many fucking windows there are after today? Zero. None of them were married.
That's where they were at the beach, still. All right, now what the fuck is this?
Is this me running someone over, or is that me? Because we have the
Ok... I guess I... I don't know... We are fucking kicking now!
What the fuck is this, Karate kid?
I hope there's no wind level, because that is the fucking worst.
Oh shit. Okay. Why does she have a purse? And why they're fucking saw blades?!
Again with the blades?! She fucking sucks. This sucks. You suck.
I hate everything-- Oh yeah, just do that. They go - I almost made it through that?!
It didn't kill me until it hit my uterus!
Oh god.. Why are you wearing heels, too?! What the fuck?!
This woman's a terrible life guard. So the lifeguards off to say- Oh, fuck, fuck!
Fuck! Let's kick. What is- What is a kick? It's Y.
Got it. Can I just kick over the saw, like that? No, I can't. It fucking split me in half.
(grunting) Oh. Oh, God! No,
fuck! Who the fuck would come to this beach? Where is this? Is this in New Jersey?
I wouldn't be surprised. The saw blades represent the thousands of hypodermic
needles that wash on the shore.
Mother fucker! I was fuckin running for like eight minutes!
Fuck! (groans) There's a point somewhere in this game where I actually guard
someone's life, right?
Is that-- Is that gonna happen? Holy shit. all over the saw blade under the saw
blade over the saw blade kick the fucking wall over the saw blade under
the saw blade over the saw blade kick the fucking wall over the saw blade over
Am I done?! Holy shits...
Oh I'm done? And that's it? I'm just done? Well fuck.
Alright, level four. Oh, I'm swimming! I'm in the wa- There's fucking saw blades in
the water?! And they move now?! This form... You see this?
Regular- Oh fuck! Isn't she just the most elegant swimmer? You press A, she just... (grunts)
She seizures up a couple inches.
OH God! What the fuck am I supposed to do there? Eat the fucking saw blade?
Just fucking take it inside myself? Now what the fuck is wrong with these sharks?
Like, are they dead? This is how sharks operate in the wild? They just sit in one spot
and wait for their prey of fucking swim into him because that's what-- OH look!
Oh, I swam into the fucking sharks beam!
What'd he kill me with, his fucking laser eyes? How the fuck did this person
get out here? Like whoever I'm saving, they got past all this shit, and you
can't get out?
So we're back to the super mega blade, which just-- COME ON! You fucking dumb bitch!
They say when you see a bear in the woods, you should just play dead and
he'll leave you alone. Now you know to do with sharks.
If you see a shark in a while, just stay out of the red spot, and you're fine.
It's like, "Oh there's a shark. I'm safe." (strains) I was gonna be legs chopped off but I
didn't. Come on Kyle Philips. No! Oh god, no!
Fuck! (grunts) Go, go, go, go, go!
Ayyy! Oh, there's more. Shit. Oh, shit!
Thread the needle (X3) Yeah... Ah fuck! Fuck!
I fucked the needle! The needle is fucking dead!