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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: If I Were You

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[quirky instrumental music]

Hey, I'm on my way home.

I just had to stop off and pick up some groceries.

Give me a call if you head out to pick up the dry cleaning.

Hey, Paul, I was just calling you.

No, no, I had a client meeting outside,

so I'm not at the office, I'm in town.

What?

Again?

No, no, no, no, no, that's okay.

You're the one who's going to have the horrible evening.

God, that audit is going on forever.

[sighs] no, I won't wait up for you at all.

I'll probably just fall asleep in front of the TV.

Okay, bye-bye.

[diners chattering]

Hi, uh, table for one?

Oh, no. [chuckles]

No, I just want a takeout.

Um, do you still have that chocolate cake

-with the crushed almonds? -Yes.

My husband used to love that.

If I could get a takeout for two, that'd be great.

I'll check if we have any left.

[door closes]

I'm so sorry, we just sold our last...

slice.

[quirky instrumental music]

[gasps]

[phone ringing]

-Hello? -Sorry, I don't know what came over me,

but, um, I just forgot what time

you said you would be home.

-Late. -Oh.

Late.

Yeah.

Right.

Okay. Well,

let me let you get back to your audit.

Okay.

[quirky instrumental music]

-I'm going to go. -What?

[crying]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Paul.

Paul, wait, you're not serious?

Stop it, Lucy.

-Paul, you can't go! -Stop this.

[talking over each other]

Lady, are you buying something?

Uh, uh, yes, sure, sure.

-[cashier] What? -Are you ever going to get it?

-Uh, newspaper. -Today's not the day, okay?

[cashier] Hi.

-Huh? -[Lucy sobs]

What?

[cashier] Hey, what is she saying?

What would you like?

-I want-- -Hey, what is she saying?

-What would you like? -[Lucy sobs] I want a rope.

I want a rope.

[quirky instrumental music]

Uh, a rope.

A rope?

Okie dokie.

One rope is coming up.

Is it a good length?

[Lucy] Yeah.

And I'll take this, too.

Oh, no, no, listen, this is not for sale.

-How much do you want? -I'm saving it for tonight

because they, they don't give this--

Just take it.

Who cares?

[quirky instrumental music]

She gave you over $200.

Why would she do that?

What can I say?

-People like me. -What on earth would she want a rope for?

[cashier] Uh, are you going to pay for that?

[crying]

[keys jingling]

[continues crying]

Um, excu-- Uh, are you all right?

[Lucy] What difference does it make?

[door slams]

[muffled weeping]

Uh...

[knocking]

-[Lucy] Yeah? -I, uh--

We, we just met in the hallway just now,

and, uh, I, I think I saw you earlier in the store,

and I just want to make sure that you're all right.

[Lucy] I'm fine.

But you, you don't seem fine.

-[Lucy] I'm fine! -Sorry.

-[weeping] -Um...

Okay.

Uh, listen, this is going to sound really strange

but how do I know that you're not

standing on a chair with a noose around your neck?

I really, really, really don't want to get involved but--

-[weeping] -Oh! Oh.

Oh. Oh, good God, uh...

Okay, it's, it's all right, it's all right.

[weeping] Nothing is ever going to be all right again.

Ever.

Oh, uh, no, stop that. Stop, young lady, stop, stop,

stop drinking. Give me that.

I'll just, I'll get you some water.

Uh, alcohol is a depressant.

It's the last thing in the world you need right now.

You're like the nicest person I've ever met.

I mean, to do this for a complete stranger.

Well... enough about me.

Um...

okay,

uh, so...

what happened to make you so sad?

I can't, I can't talk about it.

Oh, well, sometimes it's good to talk.

You know, really open up,

spill out all the gory details.

-You think so? -I'm absolutely sure.

-There's this man. -Ah.

-I love him. -Uh-huh.

And I thought we were going to get married,

have children, a life together, but...

But?

If I tell you this, you're not going to like me anymore.

Oh, well, I'm sure I'll like you just as much

as I like you right now.

-Are you married? -Uh, yes.

But I'm a big girl.

-He's married, too. -Ah.

-Small world. -But he doesn't love his wife.

Paul and her got married when they were

practically children, and it hasn't been anything in years,

so I thought he was going to leave her,

but tonight she kept phoning and phoning

and he thought she sounded suspicious,

so he said he had to go home before

she checked up on his alibi.

And I said, well, why not tell her the truth, right?

Isn't it meaner to let her think she's paranoid

and then, in a month, say, "Guess what?

I love someone else, right?"

I mean, clean break, hurts less, right?

-What do you think? -Uh...

Well, what I think has no relevance.

But you must have an opinion.

What did he say?

He said I can't understand what it's like

to be married.

And whose fault is that?

How could he go home to her?

We should be making love on this couch

like all those other wonderful times,

and he...

Do you think this means he doesn't really love me?

Um...

Well, uh, he,

he said that his, his marriage to... uh?

I don't know her name.

-He calls her the wife. -Ah, the wife.

He doesn't like talking about her.

-It makes him uncomfortable. -Oh, I'm sure it would.

But he did say

they haven't had sex in two years.

[laughs] What kind of a woman must she be, right?

I can't go two days without sex.

Who can?

I mean, I've been multi-orgasmic

-since I was eight. -How nice for you.

Um, uh, [stuttering]

are you sure that he's telling you the truth?

I mean, I know marriage. I know marriage,

and I'm sure that they still have sex

sometimes.

-Mm-hmm. -Oh, but that's...

you, you think he...

he's been lying to me?

Well, if he's,

if he's just been using me,

I don't think I can take it.

[phone ringing]

Oh, um...

Oh. [chuckles] Uh...

Uh, I'm just going to take it in...

-uh. -[Lucy weeping]

[Madelyn] Uh, hello?

Um, no.

No, I'm not at home.

Well, uh, when you said that you were going to work late,

I, uh, I decided to, um, to

go visit my mom.

Join me? No, no, that's not a good idea. [chuckles]

Oh, when will I be home? So many questions, um...

uh, well, it'll be a while.

Uh-- I'll be right there, Mom.

[sighing] I got to go, bye.

Okay, [clears throat] so, you were just getting ready to tell--

[screams] No!

-Oh. -Just let me die in peace.

Young lady, listen, listen, listen, listen,

please, suicide is an impulse act.

If you just wait a little while,

I'm sure you'll change your mind.

So I, I should do it really fast.

Okay, just can I ask you a favor?

If I just get brain damage,

do you promise to hold a pillow over my face?

Oh, my God, I feel dizzy.

-I feel-- -What's wrong?

I, I haven't eaten, yet.

I'm so sorry.

Do you want some grapes?

-Oh. [stuttering] -[phone ringing]

-[Lucy] Oh! -Oh, my God. Oh.

[Lucy] It's okay, it's okay.

It's Paul, what do I do?

What? Oh, you're asking me?

-Well, you're so wise. -Don't answer it.

Hi. I'm sorry.

Mm-hmm.

He wants to come over.

I guess his wife isn't home after all.

What about your wife?

Yeah.

He says he doesn't care what she thinks.

Well, then why doesn't he just ask her for a divorce

instead of coming over here... for--

You're so right. [scoffs]

Paul, I refuse, I refuse to see you again

until you ask your wife for a divorce.

That, that was smart, right?

Yeah. I hope so.

[quirky instrumental music]

[Lucy] I've, I've always been attracted to older men.

-Uh-huh, uh-huh. -I slept with my English teacher

when I was in Madrid. [chuckles]

And when I came here as an au pair,

the dads-- Well, the au pair thing didn't work out.

But, um, just between you and I,

I'm not as young as I seem.

Oh, no, you couldn't be.

When Paul and I get married,

I don't want one of those dead marriages.

You know, you see those couples, nothing to talk about, like,

"What chores to do, what TV show to watch?"

I'm going to have sex three times a day until we die.

Jesus, three times a day?

How would you even find the time?

What do you do?

I don't know.

How can you not know what you do?

Oh, well, really I'm an actress,

but I haven't had a part in a while,

so I do temp work in offices.

That's how I met Paul.

I was taking some papers into his office,

the door was closed, so I thought

they'd gone out for lunch.

You know, I just opened the door

and he was just there at his desk,

his head in his hands, crying.

He was crying?

Yeah, he was crying.

He told me later that he felt like his life meant nothing,

like he might as well be dead already.

Well, we all feel like that sometimes.

I mean, even I feel like that sometimes.

Do I screw the office temp?

No, I, I, I wake up every morning and I do the laundry

and I cook and I go to work and I visit my mother, who doesn't even remember

who I am. Okay, sometimes... I watch TV,

I talk about what groceries I'm going to buy.

But you're nothing, nothing like Paul's wife.

You're so different.

You're so kind. Your husband must love you so much.

No.

He doesn't.

-Are you sure? -Mm. Yeah.

Does he have affairs?

Yes.

At least one.

Oh, my God, that's terrible.

Is it still going on?

-[sniffles] Yes. -Oh, shit.

What are you going to do?

You mean, am I going to go buy a bottle of scotch

and drink it straight from the bottle?

No.

Am I going to put a noose around my neck?

No.

Pills, I can get pills, women can always get pills.

And who cares if one day you just happen to take too many?

Not your husband, no, no, no. Then he can live happily ever

after with the bouncing bimbo.

No, I can't die.

I need to stay alive so that I can destroy

his future happiness.

[chuckles]

I actually have a reason to live.

For a minute there, I thought I didn't.

Oh, my God, you're not who you've been

pretending to be tonight.

What?

-I recognize you. -Oh, I'm sorry.

I, I'm sorry, I thought you were one

of those people that are, you know,

happy with a nothing life, a boring marriage,

an office job, but you're not.

You're like me, and you're so much like me.

I am nothing like you.

We are exact opposites.

Give us any situation, situation X,

and you would choose to do B,

while I would do A.

And even when I was your age, I would not have slept with a sobbing businessman.

I would not ever be an actress.

I would never be a poet or an astrologer.

Actress and astrologer are not equivalent.

Well, they're close enough.

It's true, there was a moment there

where I was a foot reflexologist,

but that's scientifically proven, so it's--

My point is that I would do everything differently

if I were you, and you would do everything differently if you were me, too.

Although it's hard to imagine that our lives could be

any worse than they are right now,

so how much worse would our lives be

if I would do what you would do

and you would do what I would do?

That's such a brilliant idea!

What idea, I haven't had an idea.

No, but you're right, we've been feeling

and thinking and deciding for ourselves

and our lives are a mess. We should try the opposite.

Decide one thing and then do the other?

I mean like, like, I get to think what you should do

and you get to think what I should do.

Like when you told me to stop drinking and not kill myself.

I would be drunk and dead

if I'd made up my own mind instead of letting you

make up my mind for me.

Maybe that just means that

I make better decisions than you do.

No offense, Madelyn, but...

your life sounds crappier than mine.

My life sounds crappier than yours?

I'm not the one married to a man who's cheating on me.

Look at it this way, we're both self-destructive people

or we wouldn't be involved with men

that treat us like shit, but we would not

be self-destructive if we were making decisions

for someone else, 'cause I don't want to destroy your life,

and you don't want to destroy my life.

No, of course not.

So, the way to fix our lives

is to stop making our own decisions

and let the other one make them instead.

Not on little things like, "what color lipstick should I wear?"

I'd go pinker if I were you. But on the, on, on, on the big stuff, you know,

we call each other before we decide anything major.

You would really do anything I said?

[quirky instrumental music]

[Lucy] Thank you so much.

I didn't realize I didn't have any money.

No, no, it's okay, I got it.

So, should you stay with your husband

or should you leave him?

-I should-- -I, I get to decide.

I'm the objective one, subjective.

I always get those two mixed up.

-Objective. -Objective.

Okay. Okay, if he loves her, you should kick him out.

If he loves her, you're going to get dumped soon anyway.

But maybe, maybe he doesn't love her.

Maybe she's just some bimbo.

You know, how long have you been married?

A long time.

And would you throw all those years away

over some silly fling?

-Yes. -No.

-No. -No.

You're such a nice person.

If he still loves you, you'll find a way

to make things work.

And, if not, once the bimbo's out of the picture,

you dump the creep.

So, first step,

you have to find out who he loves,

you or his girlfriend.

Okay, so you go home and ask your husband--

What's his name?

-Fred. -Fred.

You say, "Fred, do you still love me?"

And then call and tell me what he said

and I'll tell you what to do next.

-Okay. -Okay.

I feel a little bit like Alice in Wonderland.

Oh, my God, I spent half my life

feeling like that girl.

-Isn't that incredible? -Yes.

[Lucy] Wow, we're so much alike.

[Madelyn] No, we're nothing alike.

There you go, that's your mission.

And when I hear from Paul,

you get to tell me what to do.

Okay. Uh,

I go this way, I have to take the subway.

You don't live in my building?

Uh, no.

No.

I...

I saw you buying the rope and I, I followed you home.

Oh, my God.

You really are the kindest person I've ever met.

Oh.

-Hug? -Oh.

-[Lucy chuckles] -Lucy.

[Lucy] Oh!

I'm going to work so hard to make you happy.

-Bye. -Okay, bye-bye.

Good night.

Don't... call me.

What are you looking at?

[melancholic instrumental music]

Hi, Mom.

Henry?

No.

It's me. [chuckles]

I got you something.

Do you want it, I got you some ice cream.

Here you go.

Now. [clears throat]

It's your favorite.

Thank you, Henry.

[melancholic instrumental music]

[weeping]

Hey.

-I'm in here. -[door closes]

You've been working late

a lot of evenings.

-Yeah, work's been rough. -Oh.

Are you--

Are--

Do you still love me?

[scoffs] Of course I love you. God, visits to your mother always get you down.

Uh, where's my sweatshirt?

On the chair.

I'm just going to go catch the end of the game.

-Okay, I've asked him. -And what did he say?

He said he loved me, but I don't know that I believed him, and, frankly,

I don't know that I care. So, now, let's talk about what I want you

-to say to your married man. -[gasps] I've got it!

You have to tell your husband you're in love with someone else.

Why on earth would I do that?

To see if he gets jealous. If he doesn't love you anymore,

it won't be that big a deal,

other than the male ego, you know,

"Is my penis bigger than his?"

If penis size comes up, just tell him they're both the same.

That takes the whole penis issue off the table,

but if he gets really angry,

and the penis thing is off the table,

that means he loves you. Then call me,

but not til after midnight, so I can tell you

what Paul said about the ultimatum.

Wait. Uh, under the rules of this pact thingy,

you're not allowed to call him until I give my permission.

Oh, I'm not calling him.

Every night, when his wife is brushing her teeth,

he calls me to say he loves me.

[quirky instrumental music]

-You didn't brush your teeth. -I don't feel like brushing my teeth.

-You always brush your teeth. -Well, not tonight.

But you never miss. You use your electric toothbrush.

You said your dad had gum disease, you want to be safe.

Good night.

[quirky instrumental music]

[phone ringing]

[sighs] It's three o'clock.

Oh, my God.

The nursing home. My mother.

-Hello? -He didn't call me.

Uh...

-I'll be right back. -Is it the nursing home?

No.

It's three in the morning.

He didn't call, and you were supposed to call me

after you told your husband you were having an affair.

Well, I haven't told him yet.

-Why not? -Because I got sleepy.

How can you sleep when you don't know

if you're going to be married tomorrow or not?

Well, maybe now it won't be so easy.

Why do you think he didn't call?

Uh, maybe his wife forgot to brush her teeth.

Oh, no. No, no, no. she always brushes her teeth.

She's got, like, this obsessive thing about her gums.

Paul thinks it's stupid,

but he's afraid to tell her 'cause he thinks

she will make him listen to more gross stories

about her dad's teeth falling out. [chuckles]

No wonder he doesn't love her anymore, right?

Who would want to live with someone like that?

Hello?

Hello?

Made-- Madelyn?

Who was that?

-Who was it? -That was a man, a man I am seeing,

a man who's so crazy about me

he calls me in the middle of the night,

a man who loves every single thing about me!

[quirky instrumental music]

Hey.

Hey, I made breakfast.

Your favorites, French toast, coffee, orange juice.

I think I'll just go straight to the office.

Oh, okay.

I'll see you tonight, then, right?

Hey, we should, uh, go for dinner.

We haven't done that in a while.

Just tell me who he is!

[quirky instrumental music]

[coughs]

French toast.

Oh, my God. Oh, you're his first choice,

I'm so happy for you.

I really hope this plan works out for me, too.

I wanted to be his only choice.

Ah, yeah, well, I want to be the only choice, too,

but, you know, maybe that doesn't happen,

-the whole soulmate thing. -I don't need a soulmate.

But if there's going to be a second, at least let it be a distant second.

You know, distant enough that you don't have sex with the second.

Okay, maybe a, a drunken kiss at the Christmas party,

but that's my limit, and now I'm supposed to stay married

to a man who has a really close second,

and has suddenly decided that he wants me

because he's jealous of a, a, an imaginary somebody.

That's a fake fuck. It just seems like a really puny life.

Mm. Well, maybe he was lonely or busy with work

and she was right there saying, "Hey, big boy,

you look like you need a hug."

We all human.

But to risk...

everything that--

-For-- -It's a lot. Mm-hmm. It's hard, I know.

I know.

When we retire...

we were going to move to Asia.

For a little bit, for a year.

Do you know where that is, Asia?

We've been saving and saving for it.

We even talked about moving to the south of France.

Do you know that if you live, um,

more than commuting distance to Paris,

it doesn't cost any more than living here.

But you're way too young to think about retirement.

Retirement is what people like us look forward to.

Retirement is when you finally get to do

what makes you happy.

Our goal is to retire as soon as humanly possible.

And now I won't even be able to have my home.

I will grow old alone.

You live your life according to certain ideas,

expectations, and then suddenly, poof, it's gone.

But why not forgive him?

He was willing to forgive your affair.

-You'd be even. -I didn't have an affair.

Well, yeah, but that's so easy to fix.

It's not like it's hard to find a man who wants to fuck.

I don't want to fuck another man.

But it would fix everything, and sometimes

you have to think outside the box.

Oh. Uh, I've got to get to work.

But we, we haven't talked about me yet.

Paul hasn't called, should I call him?

No.

Definitely do not call him.

I was afraid you'd say that.

I shouldn't have given him an ultimatum.

You know, being a second choice is not that bad,

and gradually you can work your way up

closer and closer to the first choice

until maybe one day you get to be her.

What if he's dead? That's the worst thing of being the other woman.

We never know when they're dead. Who's going to send us an invitation to the funeral?

Oh, my God, you think he's dead?

Men who don't call are never dead.

-Okay. -And you have to get on with your life.

You can't keep waiting for him to call.

He is my life.

What about your career?

Well, that's a big word for a TV commercial

and a walk-on in a French festival play.

Oh, my God, career, I'm so late!

Okay, but what do I, what do I do today?

I want you to, um, to think, all right,

think about...

mm... mm.

How to make your career something that is

more than just imaginary.

Okay, okay, I can-- Okay, and what else?

-[Madelyn] I'll call you. -When?

-Soon. -Soon, okay.

[quirky instrumental music]

[elevator dings]

-Hi. -They're all waiting.

[whispers] Shit.

This, this, this.

-Put it in my office. -Yes.

Oh, here she is.

I thought we'd have to start without you.

You know I hate talking to these people.

Hi, hi, hi.

I'm Madelyn Reed.

Um, here at Jameson Research,

we conduct research on everything

from the, uh, latest economic trends

to marketing strategies, too.

And this is where you come in,

individual purchasing decisions.

Okay. So...

-my colleague, Keith, here... -Hi.

-[crowd] Hi. -...is going to show you some, uh, covers

for the latest cookbook,

Smart Heart Meals for the Happy Family.

Okay, let's start off with some general questions.

Uh... Maggie.

Is this the kind of cookbook you would buy?

Yes. I would definitely buy it.

[woman] I love their kitchen.

Okay, their kitchen, good.

Kit--chen.

Uh, how about you, Tyler?

I think it could be a good birthday present for my mom.

My dad's had heart problems.

Oh. Uh, what about you, Sam?

I don't like the wife.

What do you think of the wife, Sarah?

-I love her earrings. -[Madelyn] Earrings.

-I just don't think she's very hot. -Well...

she's making lunch for her husband so how hot would she be?

-Uh, another opinion, Carla? -She's smiling, but I don't think she looks happy.

Well, again, making lunch...

for the husband, okay, so,

what do we think about the husband?

-[Carla] He's kind of cute. -[woman] Yeah.

-[crowd laughs] -Cute. Well, it's easy

to be cute when you're the one being waited on hand and foot.

But what does she have to do to get him to make lunch for her, huh?

Sleep with the mailman?

[clears throat] Madelyn.

Can we get another opinion. Wendy?

I like his smile.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

Well, I think that

he looks just a little bit smug.

See here on the second one, right there.

-[Wendy] I don't know. -No, look, look, look, look!

Do you really think that he appreciates her? I mean,

here she's gone to all the trouble to make him this really

life-saving meal, and he's probably sitting there like Sam over here

thinking, you know, "Oh, she's not hot anymore,

and if I'm going to stay alive,

what I need to do is schtup that bimbo."

-What bimbo? -I don't see a bimbo.

There's always a bimbo, and even if you get over the first bimbo,

there's going to be another bimbo because,

you know, it's not like people fall for the bimbo because of the uniqueness

of the bimbo, but that doesn't mean that the bimbo

will last forever, because the illusion

of immortality is not the same as immortality itself.

Okay? Mr. Smug Face over there can fuck all the bimbos

he can get, and at the end of the day,

he will still end up alone.

If you think that once the bimbos go

to wherever it is that bimbos go,

that you can crawl back to that wonderful,

wonderful wife who has made you

all those beautiful lunches,

then you've got another think coming, you bastard!

Madelyn, Madelyn, are you all right?

Why don't we go into my office?

Excuse me.

I'm just going to get something I left in my coat pocket.

[Keith chuckles] I'm very sorry.

-[door rattling] -Madelyn?

I know how to open the door!

All right.

This is most unexpected, but don't move.

Uh, we'll be serving coffee.

Bimbo.

[whispers] Just give me a minute.

What's wrong?

Nothing. I got thirsty.

You're our most reliable employee.

Don't call me reliable!

Reliable is good.

I used to think so, but I'm not so sure anymore.

I know I shouldn't drink,

but life feels so painful drunk

that I don't want to know what it feels like sober.

These just came for you.

Aren't you lucky.

Pretty secretary.

They're always so pretty.

Ah, "To the love of my life, Paul."

-Is it your anniversary? -Nope.

Oh, my God, he was unfaithful with some bimbo.

Yes, oh, my God, yes.

I'm being traded in like an old car.

[crying]

[sighs] It's so good to finally have someone

sane to talk about this with.

This is the best day of my life!

Surely not.

I've known that these are bad times, Keith,

but I've never thought of you as a cruel man.

I have something to confess.

Well, can it wait for an even more wonderful day?

-[phone ringing] -Oh, shit, my phone's ringing.

This is not soon.

-Was that Paul? -No.

It's just someone I made a really strange contract with.

It's complicated, it's really complicated.

Oh, Madelyn.

[Keith sighs]

I've wanted to say this since the first day

you walked into the office looking for a job.

The moment I saw you all decked out

in your gray suit and black pumps,

I knew it!

I love you.

-You love me? -With all my heart and soul.

You love me? Ooh! Oh, well, I mean, I've always known

that, uh, uh, you like chatting with me,

but I never knew that you loved me. [chuckles]

Look, there's so many things about my life I don't know.

What else don't I know? Maybe I have secret superpowers.

-Let's seize the moment! -What, what, what moment exactly?

-They go by so quickly. -Oh, Madelyn, just say the word.

-What word would that be? -Say yes!

-To what exactly? -To me.

-But-- -No, no, no, no buts.

But, but, but you're married!

Madelyn, one word from you and Lydia's gone.

History.

Oh, look, my bottle's empty.

[chuckles] I'm just going to take a, a, a, a,

a mental health day. You know, seldom more deserved,

but under the circumstances a highly unachievable goal.

You--

You will at least think about it,

will you?

Honestly, I'll do my very best not to think about it,

but I'll [stuttering] probably fail,

so this is the best that I can do.

-Yes! -[door closes]

[Madelyn] If this man you're seeing--

Paul.

I love to say his name.

-[whispers] Paul. -Yes, if this Paul and his wife decided

that starting a whole new life with whole new people

was just too exhausting, what would you do?

I'd kill myself.

But wouldn't you think, "Wow,

a whole new start."

-No, I'd kill myself. -Okay.

How did that thinking on your career go?

Well, I looked at the, the list for this week's auditions,

even for parts that don't pay, and there's nothing.

Oh. Okay, well, uh, let me look at it.

-Here. -You're so nice, I thought you'd forgotten

all about my problems, and you've been thinking

so much about me.

-Oh, okay. -Thank you.

Um. Okay, let me see here.

I cannot deal with, uh...

[Madelyn chuckles]

You don't need these.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

Gang member.

Uh, carjacker, hit man...

hooker.

Ah-ha! Shakespeare, huh, what could be better?

-A TV commercial? -No, but a play!

It's long. And, and commercials, you don't have to learn so many lines,

and I can use my speciality.

Your speciality?

-Oh. -Want to see, yeah?

[Lucy clears throat]

See? I turn away and then look back

and give a little smile.

It used to have a wink in it, too.

But this director told me it was too much.

Just tell me which one you prefer. I'll show you.

No wink.

Wink.

Uh, you can do more than that.

Not that much, no.

I flunked dance classes.

You flunked dance classes. Okay, okay.

Well, um, uh, you just have to keep trying.

We can all do more.

Look, that's what we do.

We, we work hard, we get better.

Then we analyze our mistakes, we work hard again,

and we get even better.

That's life!

And then somebody pulls the rug out from under us,

we wish we were dead, but let's not think about that.

Okay.

The relevant point is that

if you were in a play right now,

you would not be pining over--

Paul?

Look, auditions at seven o'clock tonight.

Maybe you'll be discovered,

maybe you'll move to California.

-[nervously chuckles] They'll laugh at me. -No, you're just nervous.

I hate auditions, just sitting there all alone

waiting for someone to call your name,

and then, they just say, "Stop, stop!"

And what if Paul comes and I'm not at home?

You have to do what I say.

Remember, I did what you said. I asked my husband if he loved me

and then I told him I was sleeping

with an imaginary man.

Going to an audition is a lot less than that.

-I'll go if you come with me. -Nope.

Nope, that is not part of--

Wait a minute, that is actually a great idea

because if I go and I see that they...

-do laugh at you... -[whispers] Yeah.

...we can start looking at alternate career options,

because you do not need to spend the rest of your life

waiting for a man to call.

-[phone ringing] -Oh. Excuse me.

-Is that Fred? -No, Keith.

He's a co-worker who just told me that he's in love with me.

[laughs] Oh, my God. See, I told you.

It's so easy to find someone to fuck,

and he loves you, so it's great.

You just, you just fuck this, uh, Keith,

and then you and your husband will be even for real.

You can't make me fuck him.

That's just too much of a pact.

Oh, please don't be sad. We'll find someone for you to fuck

that you like. Maybe we meet someone special at the audition.

Down from the waist they are centaurs,

though woman all above.

Don't even think about it.

But to the girdle do the gods inherit.

Beneath, all are fiends.

This hell, this sulfurous,

there's the pit-burning, scalding, stench, consumption!

Fie, fie!

[phone ringing]

Phones off!

Just pick it up anywhere, anywhere at all.

Sorry.

Keith, can't talk.

Say aye and no to every...

Uh, why do we need a breakfast meeting?

We can cover that campaign at the office.

No, we don't need alone time, Keith.

[actor] When the rain...

Can we have silence, please?

[whispers] Sorry. Goodbye.

-Don't call back. -...to make me chatter.

[phone clattering]

[actor] And the thunder

would not peace at my bidding.

-There... -I'm just going to put it on vibrate, okay?

-Yeah. -There I smelt them out.

[actor sniffing]

Next!

[actress] What shall Cordelia do?

Love and be silent.

Whoop.

Then poor Cordelia, and yet, not so,

since I am sure that my love is more richer

than my mouth.

Nothing.

[footsteps thudding]

[deeper voice] Nothing?

[higher voice] Nothing, my Lord.

[deeper voice] Nothing shall come of nothing!

Speak again!

They are so much better than me.

[actress] Unhappy that I am.

I cannot heave my heart into my mouth.

You can't be as bad as that.

You really think so?

Yes, I'm sure. Some people are born with more, you know, talent,

but... it's not rocket science.

It's just pretending.

You're pretty and you're...

pretty.

Any no-talent idiot that works hard

is bound to be better than that.

Wow.

If my family had given me that kind of encouragement

my whole life would be different.

I'd be the one sleeping next to Brad Pitt right now.

Why have my sister's husbands

if they say they love you all? Um...

[phone buzzes]

What?

Keith, what, what? No, no,

it's not great news that my husband's in love with another woman.

No, I don't think that's how God answers prayers.

I must have silence!

Sorry.

[actress] So young!

Oh, my God.

So young and so untender?

Thank you, thank you, that'll be all.

-So young, my Lord-- -Thanks. Stop, stop!

Next.

[dog barking]

Where am I?

Fair daylight. I am mightily...

What's this play about anyway?

[actor] I should even die with pity

to see another thus.

-[phone buzzes] -I will not swear these are my hands.

-Oh, it's my husband. -[Lucy] Let me talk to him.

-I don't know what to say. -[Lucy] Let me talk to him.

-Why? -I'll tell him what a bastard he is

for cheating on somebody like you.

-Give me the phone. -No, no, no.

Hey, I can't talk right now.

Uh, no, no, not because I'm in bed with someone.

Not yet. I know I'm not at home.

So what? You go out all the time, why can't I go out all the time?

Uh, no, I did not agree to have dinner with you.

No, no, no, no, you said, "Let's have dinner,"

and I said, uh, I don't know what I said,

but it wasn't, uh, yes.

I am not with my lover.

No, I'm definitely not naked!

You cannot tell by my voice that I'm naked.

Okay. Why should I? You don't tell me wherever you go,

why should I tell you where I go? No, please don't say that you love me!

-Because... -[door bangs]

...I don't believe you anymore,

and I am so sick of your lies!

No, wait a minute, wait a minute,

I like your lies. Bring on the lies.

What? Because I didn't know that life was this shitty

little nasty thing, and I don't want to know!

[crying]

So just spoon me full of ice cream

and tell me...

that love lasts forever.

And that all dreams come true.

Oh, yeah, sure, just like my mom, uh-huh.

[crying] Hello, dementia, I'm over here.

What? No, no.

Don't-- No-- Shut up, just shut up!

I am not the love of anyone's life.

And this is not about who I'm fucking!

You're hired!

The audacity of it! Just bursting into character!

I hadn't even thought about a woman playing Lear.

-I'm sorry, but I-- -She wants top billing.

And the whole businessperson look, I like it.

She gets to keep the wardrobe. That's a deal breaker.

The corporate empire is collapsing.

Lear is reduced to begging on Wall Street.

The madness of capitalism!

-You don't under-- -[laughs] She loves your ideas.

You have to suck up to the director.

You're young for the part, but that's been done before.

Lawrence Olivier played it at 39.

Gielgud at 26. And people had their children much younger

in Shakespeare's day. So, so, so, so,

should they still be daughters or sons?

And who should play the fool?

[whispers] The... specialty.

But thank you, yes!

Yes. And, of course, I want to thank God.

Thank you!

[yells excitedly] I have a part in a play!

Shakespeare!

Does the fool ha-- has lots of lines?

You're going to be nice and busy.

I'm in a play with my new best friend.

You can't quit, and you have to do whatever I say.

I thought that...

maybe it was going to be me telling you what to do.

I'm older, I'm wiser,

I'm... better equipped

to have information and, uh,

in this case, I'm a big bicture,

pig bigtcher,

pig...

kind of person.

But you were so right.

I haven't thought about Paul for the last 20 minutes.

I haven't gone 20 minutes without thinking

about him since the first time he kissed me.

Do you want to hear about our first kiss?

It was like the best first kiss ever.

[Madelyn] Maybe another time.

[Lucy] Okay, um...

I really, really want to kiss him right now.

Do you really think I should not call him?

[Madelyn] I'm sure, absolutely.

Start thinking about the play,

learning all the lines.

Well, maybe tonight when the Wicked Witch of the West

is brushing her yucky teeth, he will call me.

Just seems so strange.

You've always brushed your teeth before bed.

Can't we just go to sleep.

Is...

his penis bigger than mine?

You know, it's an amazing coincidence,

they're exactly the same size.

You've measured them?

[quirky instrumental music]

Why won't you tell me what you were doing last night?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Oh, I'll be home late again tonight.

Who is he?

[phone ringing]

It's the office, I better take it.

-Well, you're heading out, we'll talk later. -Oh, no,

I'll wait for you to finish your call.

-You don't have to wait. -I don't mind.

Go ahead, take it.

Where'd I leave the notes on that audit? I think they're upstairs.

[phone ringing]

This is Paul.

Uh, damn it, I got to work late tonight.

[phone ringing]

Yeah?

I'll talk to you later.

Who was that?

We need to talk.

[sighs] No.

[groans]

I'm not having the talk, okay? You're not telling me

you're leaving me for another man.

Sit down.

I can't keep this up.

So...

there is no other man.

Yeah, right, well, then who keeps calling you then?

Just a friend.

Just a friend, okay, what does that mean, huh?

That you're seeing him but you haven't had sex yet?

[scoffs]

Madelyn, how far have you gone?

And where did you do it, huh, here?

Upstairs, in our home, in our bed?

Why does the thought of someone else wanting me

suddenly make me irresistible?

I should go.

Well, what's your hurry, huh?

Is he somebody you work with?

I would like to think that if I were having an affair,

it would be with someone more interesting

than the men with whom I work.

[doorbell rings]

So help me God, if that's him, I'll kill him.

[Madelyn] It can't be him, he doesn't exist!

[door opens]

Oh, fuck!

I knew I should've spent more on the flowers.

It was so unexpected.

The phone just rang and it was Paul.

I would've called you to see if I should see him or not,

but he was in such a hurry,

and, really, I mean, I have to see him again some day, right?

It's not like our paths will never cross again,

and we could be really old, and, oh, my God,

you were the love of my life.

So he's coming over here tonight.

Is it okay if I have sex with him?

If he called you, sure.

Yeah, okay.

But if you called him,

I know you didn't, but if you had,

um, that would be different.

-It would? -Mm-hmm,

mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You wouldn't want to be a homewrecker, would you, Lucy?

Okay, see you at rehearsals tonight,

if you're not too busy.

[quirky instrumental music]

[doorbell rings]

Is this...

I'm confused.

Oh, my God.

Yellow roses?

His favorite.

My God!

I knew something was up.

This morning he was singing.

He only sings when he's happy.

I went online to check the credit card, the florist,

but I had no idea.

My husband is gay?

Oh...

in my heart I knew it.

I knew it the first time we had sex!

Wait, your husband is the one

who sent my wife flowers?

You have a wife? He isn't gay?

Oh, well, who is she?

Madelyn Reed.

Rings a bell,

but just a tinkle.

Do you have a photo?

Yeah.

[Lydia] That Madelyn?

My husband is Keith Halbertson.

I knew it was a co-worker.

Don't tell her you know!

She'll just deny it, and we need proof

so that we can soak them in the divorce.

Wait. Well,

what do we know?

Do you think they've slept together yet

or did we catch them in time?

He, he calls her in the middle of the night.

Oh, shit!

Just shit, shit, shit!

I don't mean to be rude, but I was just heading out.

How can they do this to us? Don't they know how much they're hurting us?

Have they no morals

to perform such an act of cruelty,

of selfishness, of lust,

a sin against good people

who promised for better or worse,

til death do you part,

who'd look after them if they had cancer

or they went blind or, or who'd give them a kidney.

What kind of scum would do that?

Stick around, lie...

have sex for kicks just 'cause they were bored?

[sighs] My God.

There is nothing more disgusting than infidelity.

Don't you agree?

[quirky instrumental music]

I must love you...

[actress laughs]

...and, and sue to know you better.

Sir, I shall study, deserving

He hath been out nine years

and away he shall again.

Ah, the king is coming.

The king is coming.

[director] Your line.

Oh, uh,

can you carry on without me?

[chuckles]

You're Lear.

Oh, I know.

Can I speak to you in private?

We have no secrets here.

We are a team, one for all, and all for one!

[all laughing and cheering]

Okay, well, I know you're depending on, on me

to, uh, play Lear because, well, all the other Lears' sucked.

And I'm usually very reliable and I'm usually sober,

but, uh...

I can't do this.

Yes, you can.

We believe in you.

-[actors] We believe in you. -[actor] We do, we do.

Uh...

[sobbing]

Okay, what I mean is that

I'm going through something right now

with someone you know, and if you only knew

what it was, you would understand, okay?

Everything that I had, everything,

everything is suddenly just gone,

you know, kaput, pow,

and it's all been replaced by madness.

Hold that feeling.

Why would I hold it? It hurts.

You're so lucky.

You're already there.

Shh!

She's coming.

Okay, don't say anything that I said.

Did I say anything? I don't know, just act natural, act natural.

You're actors, you know how to do that. [coughs]

Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late.

[chair sliding]

What happened?

He didn't come.

I guess he loves his wife more.

I don't know how I'd get through this without you.

I adore subtext!

She needs a script.

Thank you.

[dog barking]

[phone ringing]

-Aren't you going to answer that? -No.

-What does that mean? -It means I'm asleep.

-Did you split up with him? -He doesn't exist.

I know more than you think I know.

[phone ringing]

I'll answer it, I'll tell the bastard

what I think of him fucking my wife.

Paul, stop.

What?

[melancholic instrumental music]

Hey.

Called the pastor for you, he's on his way.

[chuckles]

I don't really want to...

speak to a complete stranger.

I'm sure he'll make you feel better.

He's a lot of fun. He did card tricks at the Christmas party.

Ooh. [chuckles]

Well, in that case, I think I'll just

head down the hall and get some coffee and make some phone calls.

If he does show up, tell him not to wait around on my account.

Thanks for taking care of her.

[door closes]

[phone ringing]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I haven't turned this thing off day or night

for the past two years just in case I got the call.

I got the call.

Me too.

Mother or father?

Mother.

You?

Father.

Last one?

Yeah.

It's scary.

Why?

We've been the adults for a long time.

Maybe because we're next.

[chuckles]

Do I feel more mortal? Yes,

but little, little, little, little, too, you know?

-Hmm. -Like a kid who can't go home when she screws up,

because home just died in her sleep.

"Dad, I need money."

"Mom, I quit school."

"Dad, could you explain women to me?"

"Mom,

he broke my heart."

Those were the days.

You?

Oh, yes, please.

[soft instrumental music]

[man] Favorite memories?

When I was, uh, 30 I'd had a really bad miscarriage.

I had really wanted kids.

And everybody was saying the right things.

You'll have other chances, cheer up.

My husband said, he was trying to make me feel better,

he said, uh...

"Maybe we should just save enough money for a down payment first."

-[laughs] -And I thought I had to say all the same kind of crap.

So then my mother came to visit me in the hospital,

and, uh, I said, I'll be fine, and she just climbed

up onto my hospital bed and held me

and just let me cry and cry.

That's my mom.

Wow.

You?

Well...

I decided on my 16th birthday

that I was going to quit high school

and just hitchhike all over South America,

and nobody was going to stop me.

Well, suddenly, I'm the coolest guy in the school,

where I was not popular at all.

I went home and I'm packing up everything

in my backpack in my room,

my old man walks in, he says,

"You know, you can tell them I wouldn't let you."

I thought, "How did he know?"

I mean, I, I was petrified.

And I said, "Dad, they're just going to

say you should've gone anyway." He said, "Then you tell them,

I'll break every bone in your body if you go."

This man had never even laid a finger on me.

So I went back to school the next day,

and I said, "My dad stormed into my room

with his belt out, threatening to beat me to a pulp

if I dared," [chuckles] so.

He saved my honor.

What do you think is happening to them?

You mean, like, where are they?

Right now?

-Right now. -Or is this it?

It's over, the only chance you get.

What do you like best about being alive?

Less and less.

[both chuckling]

No.

Really, I mean, maybe this is how it works.

If you're lucky and you die old,

that your life has just become so disappointing

and so lonely, so loveless, so empty,

so achy-breaky painful, that when death

finally does come along, you say...

[chuckles] where have you been?

Oh, come on, you're just saying that

to cheer me up. [laughs]

But come on, you'd give up spiked whiskey coffee

in nursing home waiting rooms?

Ice cream.

I like ice cream.

Wind. I like-- I love windy days.

Well, kisses.

Not, you know, kiss-kiss, see you later kiss,

but kisses like...

like...

like the first time you ever kissed somebody.

You know, kisses.

When...

was our last first kiss?

And did we even know it was our last?

Then our first kisses were... gone forever.

I just had drunk sex with a stranger

in a nursing home waiting room.

What do you do after sex with a stranger

in a nursing home waiting room?

I know, it's kind of...

awkward. Well,

we're going to have to-- We'll have to see each other again.

Breakfast or something? Otherwise it'll be the most surrealistic experience

-of our lives. -Well, it would have some competition for me.

Now, I've got a busy day. I've got a funeral to plan.

Oh, shit, so do I.

Do you have any recommendations on

-people? Where-- -I think, uh, I'm going to use...

Amberson's, that's where I buried my dad.

-Amberson's? -Mm-hmm.

-Amberson's on Hunter. -Yes.

-Yeah. -Maybe I'll see you there.

Yeah, that is potent stuff.

I mean, I'm actually going to grab a cab,

leave my car here.

Do you want to share a cab?

No, no, thanks. Um,

I just, I have phone calls to make and...

I'll just stay.

Okay.

Well, um.

Okay.

-Thanks, bye. -Thanks.

-Don't say thanks. -No, no, no, no. [chuckles]

-[door closes] -I told you it'd be easy.

I didn't even ask his name.

I-- A complete stranger.

I love sex like that. You had me at hello.

Oh, and now you and your husband can stay married because you're even.

I don't even know why I'm doing the things I'm doing.

I don't know why I just told you that,

but who else would I admit it to?

You told me 'cause that's what best friends do, right?

Uh, yeah.

And I have something to confess.

Paul didn't call me yesterday morning.

I, I called him.

You could tell, right?

Wow, you know me so well. That's why I've always wanted a best friend.

But he did call me today.

He called you today?

His mother-in-law died, so now the wife really needs him.

-The wife. -How long do you think he has to wait

until he tells her he's leaving her?

Two weeks?

Well, I don't know that there's a set time

-for that kind of thing. -Maybe I can google it.

But wouldn't it be great if he came to the opening night?

And my dream is coming true, I'm an actress.

Google it?

We that are young shall never see so much

nor live.

So long.

[actress] We made it all the way to the end of the play!

I can't believe I only fell off the stage once.

No, it was twice.

That was...

that was...

that was...

so horrible...

so, so horrible,

except for my star.

Bless you.

All of you were bad!

But then, there was you.

Yeah, what was that thing you did

when Lear says, "Oh, ho, 'tis foul?"

You have no talent whatsoever,

not a single drop.

You are a talentless void!

An empty pit of ineptitude!

Well, Madelyn says life is not about talent,

life is about working hard and getting better

bit by bit, so I just have to keep trying.

And, and trying.

And trying.

You were great.

Do, do you want to hang out at my place?

Uh, I got to go home to Fred.

You can say it, I should give up acting.

Maybe...

we should go hang out.

Cold holy water indoors is so much better

than this rainwater out of doors.

Good nuncle, ask thy daughter's forgiveness

for here's a...

something pities...

-something. -Night.

I couldn't even do easy acting.

You know what? I only got the commercial

'cause I have nice breasts, see?

Lucy, come on now.

Take it... from the top.

This time, remember, it's night.

She's cold.

I'm never going to get it right.

-Just keep at it. -How long is it going to take?

Years, it's too hard.

Lucy... you were so happy

when you thought that you were going to be a real actress.

I'm not happy now. So I give up.

No, I decide, and you're not giving up.

Now come on, take it from the top.

Think about the words.

[snoring]

[truck beeping]

Fuck!

So you stayed out all night, that's great.

-Thank you so much for coming. -I'm so sorry.

I'm not as stupid as you think I am, okay?

Thank you so much for coming.

She will be missed.

Thank you so much for coming.

I know who he is, Madelyn.

Thank you so much for coming.

It was her time.

-We have a time? -Oh, yes, I believe that.

Oh, well, that's nice for you.

I fucking know who he is.

This is a blessing.

-Really? -She's out of her misery now.

But no more ice cream.

Thank-- Oh, Keith,

and, uh, your wife, I didn't expect you.

Of course you didn't.

I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

-Really? -Mm.

Oh, Madelyn, Madelyn.

[Madelyn] Oh, my goodness.

Okay.

If you need anything, anything, you have my number.

Call me day or night.

We...

will do anything we can,

but I'm sure what you most need right now

is time with your husband.

For this to happen to you now, of all times.

But just remember, God doesn't give us any more

than we can carry.

God has some formula where he can calculate

exactly how much pain to inflict on each individual?

[chuckles] Isn't it interesting that things that are supposed to be

mindlessly comforting are really, really horrible.

-You know, when you think about it. -That's my Madelyn, no bullshit.

[chuckles] I love it. Come on, come on, give me another hug.

Come on.

-[Madelyn] Oh. -[Keith] Oh.

-[Madelyn] Oh. -Take as much time off as you need.

That doesn't mean we don't miss you at the office.

We miss you so much!

Well, speaking of no bullshit, you know,

everybody's mother dies.

[chuckles] What is the big deal here?

Lydia, show some respect, for Christ's sake.

The old lady's lying dead in that box over there.

Thank you so much for coming. Thank you so much for coming.

As it was in the beginning,

is now and ever shall be,

world without end.

Now, I'm sure Margaret's daughter

would like to share some memories

of her beloved mother.

Madelyn, would you like to say a few words?

Oh, uh... I guess.

I didn't really have anything prepared.

I keep expecting her to walk through the door and say,

hi.

Oh.

-Hi. -Hi.

Um, okay, what can I say?

She's in a better place.

Her time... has come.

She lived a good life.

Howl.

Howl.

Howl.

Oh, you are men of stones.

Had I your eyes...

and tongues, I'd use them to crack...

heaven's vaults.

She's gone forever.

I know when one is dead and when one lives.

Yeah, she's dead...

as earth.

[Lydia] Keith always said you were very good at your job, but

I didn't realize you were such a talker.

-Excuse me. -I am so sorry.

How are you, are you okay? Is there anything I can do?

-Yes, do you have the time to go someplace with me? -Yeah.

-Okay. -Want to duck in the coatroom, have a quick go?

-[laughs] Sh! -[man chuckles]

Would That be a problem?

-No, I have another idea. -Okay.

-Come on. -[man clears throat]

-Hello. -I'm just going to pop out

and, uh, get some ice cream with...

-I don't know your name. -Derek.

-Derek. -Derek.

Uh, Derek, this is my husband, Paul.

Husband. Paul.

Derek?

And you're?

-Madelyn. -Madelyn.

Madelyn.

I'm Keith.

-Keith. -I'm Lydia.

Lydia, I hope I don't have to remember all these.

[Derek chuckles]

-Nice to meet you, Paul. -Here. See you later.

Is that The Undertaker?

I don't think so.

[bird chirping]

Mm.

This is really good.

Good ice cream.

Yeah, it is, it is.

Oh, my God, I got to go.

Um, I'm going to be late for rehearsal.

I'm in a play.

Wait, wait, what?

-Yeah. -You're an actress?

[laughs] No. No, no, no.

Um, I'm just-- It's just something that my husband's girlfriend

wanted me to do.

Your husband's girlfriend wanted--

It's not as bonkers as that sounds.

Yes, it is.

[Derek laughs]

What's the play?

Uh, King Lear , I play Lear.

I've-- I'm-- I've got to go, I'm sorry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute,

you can't just, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You can't just walk off like that.

You're starring in King Lear.

You're, you're one in a billion.

If you only knew.

Listen, if you're free,

tomorrow night's my dad's funeral.

It should be a rocking good time.

[both laughing]

-It should be. -Yeah, right.

Will you, will you join me?

I don't think that I can.

I just don't, I'm sorry.

That's all right, I've been turned down by lesser women.

I know what I want it to say on my grave.

"He slept with King Lear."

[actress] So, farewell to you both.

Prescribe not us our duties.

[laughs]

Let your study be to content your Lord,

who hath received you at fortune's alms.

-You have-- -[Madelyn] Hi.

-Sorry I'm late. -No, no, no, no.

I'm sick of people waltzing in here

whenever they feel like it!

You better have one hell of a good reason for being late.

Well, what is it?

You're wearing black, let's hope somebody died.

It's a tragedy.

Everybody dies.

That, that's why I prefer comedies,

happy endings.

Kisses.

[car beeping]

[director] We're waiting, Lucy.

Oh, nuncle,

cold holy water indoors is so much

better than this rainwater out of doors.

Good nuncle, in, ask thy daughters' forgiveness.

Here's a night pities neither wise man

nor fool.

That...

that is a remarkable improvement.

[chuckles]

Damn, I'm such a good director.

[Lucy] We should celebrate, go out to dinner.

Today? I ran into the stranger that I had drunk sex with.

Okay, my job is not yet done.

I officially forbid you from seeing the guy

you had sex with when you didn't know each other's names.

One day, it's the hottest sex you ever had,

and the next day, it's you play the accordion.

Really, it doesn't work.

That's what I thought.

That's what you thought. We're starting to think alike?

Isn't that great?

Let me try it. Okay, so what would you say if I told you

I really felt like calling Paul

and asking him, "Hey, how was your mother-in-law's funeral?"

-You'd say? -Yes.

-What? -Call him.

-Call him? -Yes, call him.

Funerals, that's the time when we start thinking about

our own lives, time slipping away,

if only, if only.

Wouldn't it be nice to finally know what's in his heart?

Yeah, but, I don't know. To me it just seems a little bit rude.

Won't they be sharing snacks and memories about the dead lady?

You'll know the truth.

Don't you want to finally know the truth?

Yeah.

Do it.

Okay. Okay.

[Lucy] Mm...

He's not picking up.

Hi!

-What do I say? -What do you want to say to him?

Yeah, yeah, I'm here, sorry.

Um, I'm just calling you,

I, I just want you to know that I love you.

What happened?

He said, Jesus Christ, leave me alone, I'm a married man.

He loves his wife.

Are you going to be all right?

I'll be okay. Oh, right, we've been through so much together.

I forgot how we met.

I'm not going to kill myself when I just landed

a juicy role.

Shakespeare.

And I think I can do a really good job at it.

And I'll become a star,

and he'll spend the rest of his life missing me.

[crying]

I'm okay.

So, who was the man at the funeral,

and what have you been doing with him

-for six hours? -Madelyn, you're not quite yourself, are you?

That's true. I don't know that I owe anybody an explanation,

but for the record, that man's dad died

the same night as my mother,

and we got to... to talking,

and today I felt like he was the only one

who understood what I was feeling.

Oh, and how long has this been going on?

Yes, you've been a busy girl.

I swear, I met him for the first time

the night my mom died.

I said that Madelyn wouldn't have sex

with a man whose name she didn't know.

She's not a cheap slut, for Christ's sake.

Wait, wait, so, Lydia was right,

-he's not the one you've been sleeping with. -What are you talking about?

-You bet I'm right. -Why are they even here?

[Paul whispers] Hard to get rid of.

Oh, you might think you're so smart,

but we know everything.

Oh, surely not.

Yes, we do.

The phone calls, the late nights,

that all started before your mother died.

We said we'd keep it secret til we had proof,

but I've had enough.

We know you two are having an affair!

-[Madelyn sighs] -No, we're not!

I didn't even know she wanted an affair.

You should've told me.

But I know what you were up to.

Oh, no, wait, listen, please.

Can we just not get into all that?

I buried my mother today.

Yellow roses!

On our credit card.

Yes, I sent the flowers because her mother was dead.

Well, was dying.

Right?

Yes, sure, right, I told Keith that my mother was dying.

-You never told me that. -Because you were busy being audited.

So...

the man at the funeral's dad died,

and Keith sent me flowers because my mother was dying.

Questions all answered, hmm?

Great. Good night.

Wait, wait, I have a question.

I am so tired, Paul.

Why can't you just leave me alone?

Because I love you,

and I want to know if our marriage can be saved.

Ask your question.

If it's not Keith, and it's not the man at the funeral,

who is it that calls you in the middle of the night?

Do you really want to save this marriage?

More than anything.

Then let's talk in the morning.

[soft instrumental music]

-[door banging] -[Paul] Lucy!

[door banging]

Lucy!

Oh, Paul, I missed you!

Stop it, get off, get off.

How did you get her number, huh?

I was so careful, I didn't even tell you her name.

-What? -Did you look at my phone when I was sleeping?

-How dare you do that! -What are you talking about?

I know what you've been doing, Lucy.

-You know about the play? -Oh, stop playing games.

I know you've been calling my wife.

-Your wife? -Oh, come on!

You might be an idiot, but I'm not.

I checked her cell to see who's been calling her.

What did I find, Lucy, huh?

Your number!

I've, I've never called your wife.

Again and again.

When she's at work, in the middle of the night.

In the middle of the...

What's your wife's name?

You know my wife is Madelyn Reed.

Why else would you be calling her?

But your last name is Jefferson.

She uses her own name.

Look, and will you stop trying to come up with some excuse. What? Like, oh,

you're just randomly calling some woman

who happens to be my wife.

Jesus, why else would you be calling her

countless fucking times?

-We're friends. -Oh, friends, come on.

Really?

But I'm telling you the truth!

Oh, sure, absolutely, you just happened

by sheer chance to become best buddies

with my wife.

She, she must have seen us the day we had the fight.

She said she followed me home,

but she never, never told me she was your wife.

We made a pact.

She had to do whatever I told her,

and I've been doing...

Jesus, okay, you have lost your mind.

This is like some fucking Fatal Attraction here.

Never call my wife again!

You understand? And never call me or I'll phone the police.

I'm going to go home and just pray to God

my wife forgives me.

I'm sure she will.

I mean, after all, she cheated on you, too...

with that guy she met a couple of nights ago.

She saw him again yesterday, um...

what's his name?

Oh, right, she doesn't know his name.

You know about him?

She tells me everything.

She said she didn't have sex with him.

Oh.

And what did she tell you about her co-worker, Keith?

Keith, she said she didn't have sex with him either.

Really?

I can't believe you did that.

Lovely home.

You're going to miss it.

You do not play me like a game.

Yeah, I cheated on you, Madelyn, but you know what?

Now I realize why I took up with Lucy,

because deep down I sensed you were already

-cheating on me. -What?

Don't give me any more of your lies!

-Lucy told me everything! -Oh, everything?

Oh, yeah, and I'm not just talking about

the stranger you had sex with, Madelyn.

My God, you didn't even know his name!

-I know all about Keith, too. -Keith?

I know you've been sleeping with him for over a year.

Yeah, just hoping I'd have an affair

so that you can get a better divorce settlement.

Well, it's not going to happen, Madelyn, okay?

I'm fighting you for everything!

Okay.

You are absolutely out of your mind.

Here, there you go.

I'll pack that, pack these.

You need something to clean up after yourself,

pack your pillow so you can snore all you want with Lucy!

[door closes]

[soft instrumental music]

What do you mean Madelyn's not coming?

[Lucy] Well, I'm not certain,

but, but I'd be very surprised if, if she showed up.

-Is she ill? -No.

Could you call her?

No, I'm not calling her.

But we need our Lear.

Can't you find someone else?

No, you can't just have anybody play Lear.

[actors scoffing]

-[actor] Right? -We'll have to cancel the play.

-[actors sighing] -She seemed so reliable, what happened?

Well, she's not even an actress.

I'm the actress, I'm the one that has a right to be here.

And, frankly, she was here just for one reason,

she, she had this scheme to, to distract me

so I'd forget about the man I love.

Would that be her husband?

Yeah.

I thought so.

Perhaps we could call her husband.

Presumably you have his number.

He could tell us where she is.

No, he could not.

He's living with me now.

Ah, now I understand.

Are you sure that Madelyn is all right?

If her husband left her today for you,

presumably, she'd be upset.

We've all read the tragedies.

Oh, no, she wouldn't.

I don't think so.

You don't think.

[hurried footsteps]

[knocking]

-[actor] Knock harder. -[actress] Do it harder.

[banging]

[sighs] I think we should call the police.

-I have the number. -Seriously?

-Oh, God! -[all sighing and laughing]

-Come on. Thank God you're here. -[actress] Hi.

[director] I don't know what we would've done if you hadn't been home.

Are you all right?

Of course, I'm fine.

Well, when we heard what happened, we--

Oh.

It's just life.

50% of marriages end up in divorce.

And everybody's mother dies.

To tell you the truth, I'll be glad to get rid of this house.

I swear, I've spent the last ten years doing housework.

I just...

need a day to deal with it.

Then, then, then, you'll be at rehearsal tomorrow?

No, I'm not doing the play.

[nervously chuckles] You can't quit!

-[whispers] Go. -If you quit they have to cancel.

I don't know how much she's told you.

Everything.

Well, then you know we can't be on the stage together.

I can if she can.

I'll get some coffee.

You shouldn't be drinking. Alcohol is a depressant.

Well, and if we have to choose, we'd rather get rid of Lucy than you.

-Definitely. -[director] Well, I know, I know this is a difficult time,

but I wouldn't ask you to do this if I didn't believe

it's the best thing for you, and also for the play, but...

[soft instrumental music]

I don't want to disappoint everybody, but...

I'm exhausted.

I mean, maybe if I was their age, you know.

No, no, if you were their age

you wouldn't understand the part.

Gielgud was a horrible Lear at 26.

That's the best thing about being old.

Look, you have learned so much more about life.

Love never works out,

we're all going to... die.

You can finally play the juicy roles.

Well, men can.

-Please, don't make us cancel it. -I memorized all my lines.

Grandmother's already paid for her plane ticket.

It's only three weeks til opening night.

Yeah, and the play will probably close after the first night.

Yes.

We've only sold 17 tickets.

Look, I know this might mean nothing to you,

but it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

-Three weeks. -[all cheering and laughing]

Ah, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

Look, look, look, you take today

to do whatever it is that you need to do.

And we'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, God.

[director] I promise, this is just what you need.

Oh, I'm so happy.

You get some sleep.

-Are you eating? -[actors chattering]

[director] You have to take care of yourself.

And if you need anything, anything at all...

-[director] We did it! -[laughing and cheering]

-[actress] I can't believe it! -[actors excitedly chattering]

You remember the day we met? You told me,

if you give yourself a little time,

an impulse will go away?

Yes, now go away.

[soft instrumental music]

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, I, I, I was

just, uh...

waiting for someone

I thought might show up.

Taxi dropped this off for you, sir.

Oh.

Thank you.

[moaning and grunting]

[director mumbles]

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

-Lion face. -[all roaring softly]

-Mouse face. -[all sniffling]

-Lion face. -[all roaring softly]

Release the jaw.

[shaken humming]

And shake it out, shake it out.

No, no, no, she's a CEO's daughter, not a hooker!

All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's five minutes to places,

let's go out there and make magic tonight!

-Woo! -Make magic!

-Just a little-- No, just a little closer. -That's my motivation.

-[actress] They look good. -[director] You're making me really uncomfortable.

[actress laughs]

[audience chattering]

[actors] Lear, Lear, Lear, Lear, Lear,

Lear, Lear, Lear, Lear, Lear,

Lear, Lear, Lear, Lear, Lear!

-[actress cackling] -Go Shakespeare!

-Yes! -Yay!

[Madelyn] It's time.

Are you still worried about your acting abilities?

I think you've proved that they're pretty good.

Let's just get on with it, okay?

-Do you still love him? -Fuck off!

-Do you miss him? -Fuck off!

We were married for a long time, Lucy.

We shared each other's lives.

My mother's gone, I'm about to lose my home,

and the only thing that's gotten me through these last few weeks is this play,

and we're just about to be laughed off the stage,

so don't expect me to make you feel better, okay?

It's all Madelyn this, Madelyn that.

[chuckles] What?

I knew he didn't love me. I just wanted to get back at you for tricking me.

So let's hope you were right

when you said I could do better.

Tonight I'll tell him the truth. I'll, I'll

tell him you never slept with that guy you work with.

And I'll tell him you didn't sleep with the other one, too.

I mean, only married people think one fuck

matters anyway.

[director] We're starting!

I get...

why you would hate the woman who's trying

to steal your husband.

I get it.

But then why... why did you help me?

Because I started to like you.

[actor] You have been out nine years and...

Just remember, this entire play

is resting on your shoulders.

-Now relax. -The Queen is coming.

[director] Go.

Attend the lords of, of...

France...

Burgundy, Gloucester.

I shall, my liege.

Uh, mean--time...

[soft instrumental music]

Meantime,

we shall express our darker purpose.

Give me the map there.

Know that...

we have divided in three our kingdom,

and 'tis our fast intent to shake all cares

and business from our age,

conferring them on younger strengths

while we unburdened crawl toward death.

I did her wrong.

Canst you tell me how an oyster make his shell?

-No. -Nor I, neither. But I can tell you why a snail has a house.

-Why? -Why, to put her head in it,

not to give it away to her daughters

and leave her horns without a case.

I shall forget my nature.

So kind a mother.

Be my cars ready?

Thy asses are gone about 'em.

To take it again perforce!

Monster ingratitude.

If thou were my fool, I'd have thee beaten

for being old before thy time.

How's that?

Thou shouldst not have been old

til thou hast been wise.

You see me here,

you gods...

an old woman,

full of grief as age,

wretched in both.

If it be you that stir these daughters' hearts

against their mother, fool me not to bear it tamely.

Touch me with noble anger

and let not women's weapons, water drops,

stain my cheeks.

No! You unnatural hags!

I will have such revenges on you both

that all the world shall--

I will do such things.

Yet I know not what I will do,

but they shall be the terrors of the earth.

You think I'll weep?

No, I'll not weep.

I have full cause of weeping,

but this heart shall break into 100,000 pieces

or ere I'll weep.

Singe my head!

Auntie, court holy water indoors

is much better than this rainwater out of doors.

[Madelyn] And thou, all shaking thunder,

strike!

Here's a night pities neither wise man nor fool.

With a hey, ho, the wind and rain.

Must make content with his fortune's fit

for the rain, it raineth every day.

Never, never,

never, never.

Never.

Do you see this?

Look upon her, look, her lips.

Look there.

Look there.

There.

[clapping and cheering]

[upbeat guitar music]

[man] Bravo!

[clapping and cheering]

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

When I reach the end

Will you, will you Will you be mine? ♪

This time I know You're not the answer

To my prayers

And I have grown with Each kissed forehead Through the years

We should do another one.

Mad as I am

And as bad as I am

I'm still here

On the road again

I pray to find

Where now is the friend

I'll leave, I'll leave I'll leave behind

I'm going around the bend

One more climb

But when I reach the end

Will you, will you Will you be mine? ♪

[indie rock music]

It all works out

In the end

And if I try

We'll make it

♪ 'Cause maybe I'm a bitch

But I'm the best

Somehow this all makes sense

Don't explain

What's coming next

We found we're A perfect match

Too late to change the facts

Of stories with no

Ending at all

It all works out

In the end

And if I try

We'll make it

♪ 'Cause maybe I'm a bitch

But I'm the best

Somehow this all makes sense

And this

It all works out

In the end

And if I try

We'll make it

♪ 'Cause maybe I'm a bitch

But I'm the best

Our story has no end

The Description of If I Were You