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Who am I? You sure you want to know?

I wanna know!

I'm Jacob. I'm Eli and I'm Gabe. We're watching Sam Raimi's spider-man 1 2 & 3

I haven't seen this as a child so I don't want to not like this

This is a man by the way who is 15 canonically?

Dont even think about it.

you know as much shit as

He gets for not looking young enough. Everyone else on this bus is way older than him

It's a yellow bus of 20-something which

Probably 30 something's! like flash looks like hes- oh yeah-, mid Fourtys. He's an undercover cop

He's like 50

The teacher is the most sympathetic character in the whole thing

That is also so confusing because I didn't know he was a teacher till you said it

He looks the same age as the students. He's just bald. So you're supposed to make that connection due to his lack of hair

M.J. lets go

Wait if he didn't take that many pictures he would have never became spider-man

We're in spidey territory now!

And the lord said let there be light

And wa-la! there is light

The best Uncle Ben ever. Oh I mean yeah, without a doubt, dude.

Hm, good boy, god'll be thrilled

I will say this Aunt May is old dusty and not hot at all which I don't subscribe to

Literally what are you talking about?

Look I will take her over Sally Field. Sally Fields is to grandmotherly. More grandmotherly than this? Yeah

Youre just.

Just in time for dinner. She is the sister of his mother. How old was his mom? It's true

She must have been like a good 20 years older

Yeah! It's possible.

It is possible. It's weird. Yeah, this is a grandma and Sam Raimi's. Well anything's possible

Oh No. no, he has no penis. Oh

My god this right this frighten the shit out of me as a kid. Oh, this is legitimately terrified. Oh

Jesus Christ back to formula

Oh, yeah, oh my god, I remember that being cheesy that gave me actual chills. Oh

I live straight up, right it why their house is so close dude, he could reach in there dad. This house is ugly

All right. It sounds like you're jealous gay. My house is ugly

Why would you pick that dark of a green for a living space the Green Goblin? He's known all along

Oh my heart


Snap I'm feeling sticky dawg. Oh my god the web looks so

There's something really charming about it not being super ly

Overproduced like a modern MCU movie. Oh, yeah

They've all seen this how can they not know?

He's spider-man when spider-man pops up right wouldn't all these people be like, oh my remit

There's one kid in our school who had well

Oh, yeah

You know

It does

Just save a lot of exposition time when you just give him the organic webs if I had a welt like that

I'd want to bite it you like to pop it no

That looks so cool

Yeah, here he goes come on dear this is the best move animal

You have no guarantee that it's not just gonna stop working on any jump even when I try to jump in real life

It doesn't work sometimes. Yes

Yo, he is putting her in some real revealing shirts, you know, why because this was released basically back-to-back what

Started it all and it in the kissing. I'm pretty sure her shirts wet enough to see your nips. Oh, I remember that

Going to Mordy time not but I remember with great power comes great responsibility

That might come up again. I don't know. It doesn't sound like anything anybody would remember it's really bringing a bell, you know

It does. Yeah, it's just not catchy. And I know I'm not your father then stop pretending to be

Mrs. Sky-high Bruce Campbell baby, is that the voice of the

Video game first thing you're gonna need to do is learn how to shoot these webs



Oh, that's what you think bitch

It's a late time brother

Put the money in the bag back when a guy with frosted tips could be a burglar

Jeez oh, holy crap

Oh my god

No, oh

Here Uncle Ben, uh-oh. I have children dude through the court or a jacket, too

Look how good Tobey Maguire is for real

It always annoys me when people make fun of his crying face because it's like because it's like, all right

I think you look pretty fuckable when you cry. Yeah. Everyone's got a cry like Chris Evans man. Oh

My god, that's holy shit

Well, that was sick dude, this movie's effects hold up so much that transition into CG was actually like genius

This is so much fun and better than any other spider-man ever

Yeah, cuz it's like Andrew Garfield's garbage and Tom Hollands fine. But this is like a movie. Oh


This looks so good dude, this is so good in retrospect because it's such a breath of fresh air

All we're used to is the MCU which nothing against it

I love most of those movies

But it's just a formula and this is unique this movie makes me realize what like what we're missing. What a movie

Is the best character in any superhero movie yet

You know early Elizabeth Banks to banks yeah

Why are like the early two-thousands so bad at predicting who's actually gonna pop off right? Yeah

And then macy gray. I mean basically it's good, but it was no like mary j or anything


Was some spy kid shit bro. Hey, it's me again. Hey, how was your audition?

How'd you know, where'd you come from? Have you been following me? She sees the camera in his hand. Let me see those

No, no, it's okay. It's an old camera. You can't see it. I think I have a superhero stalker

Yeah, now that I think about it. I have an on Supergirl scholar. Do you know Peter Parker?

Where'd he go? Do I get to say thank you this time. Oh wait

I'm a virgin

Spider-man fuck that bitch

Forget her I don't even know who she is. Damn. He's yo he said please get the kid kids

Fucking spider-man is the king of ropes, dude

Just clothesline him

That was way cool. Oh god. Alright Oh

Beating the hell out of him damn, I wanna upload mr. Worldstar ASAP

Have you not been so selfish? Your little girlfriend's death would have been quick and painless Norman. I never made it out of

You dummy I barely made it to first base that she knows me. Look at me

Do you think I could really get with that? I would never hurt you Norman. What are you doing?

I can see you pressing your Apple watch

Oh that's insane right in the hips - that's a place. I've never seen anyone gets stabbed in a movie

One day spider-man will pay these funeral expenses were off the charts. Did you see that tombstones?

You know they charge for the letter so I could see Peter Parker's face

I don't like seeing a glove touch face skin though. Yeah. It's a little

I first kid to skin like oh, yeah either glove on his face

I know and it's like I know that she's touched the subway rails with that those gloves. I've seen everything

Yeah, and now they're on my face Who am I?

I'm spider-man

this movie is

Incredible. Yeah now I'm like really wondering. How is the second one better than this?

I kind of forget if the second one can even live up to this

Where's the tool? Ah?

There it is

I thought was the first one for a second spider-man - this is the one that I'm sure Gabe you've gotten hyped up for you

a lot

Oh, yeah

And I am very far removed from it because the last thing I remember about it is nothing

Because I was like 9 at most when I saw it last let me warn you ahead of time

You're gonna be saying a lot of this doesn't look like, New York

I'm actually

Legitimately blown away with how much better this just looks off the bat. It's incredible where you been pal. You don't return my calls

He seems a lot more chilled out a few years removed from his dad's death taking pictures of spider-man has to bug these days

No, but he just got way more passive-aggressive but is gone aren't they?

Did they have a good time?

I'm sure they did except for Harry. He kept bringing up his dead dad

It was honestly kind of a down really bumming me out. It's my birthday Aunt May. Hold on. I'm sorry

Why does he have a solo photo booth photo thing of Mary Jane alone? That's cute

Oh, wait a minute. They're not together. Oh, yeah, that's weird. That's me. Yeah. Yes, just three pictures of her alone in a photo

I kind of forgot the fact that they weren't together. Oh

This gives me the

Inhibitor chip to protect my higher brain function this one LED controls all the

Safety in this one. You see this plastic chip. Yeah, I'll be fine

Oh, he's about to go out like a punk

Yeah, well spicy grateful though. Is he grateful? This doesn't change. Oh that was your immediate reaction immediately

He's had a near-death experience in your media reaction is I still hate you stupid

Goes the chip. Oh good. No. No, I have nothing less except spider-man you saved your lives here

Those me as a kid with my dad put me to bed. I don't know your mom's

Everybody touching me

That's rough. We won't know the extent of the damage until we get in there. So I suggest we cut off these mechanical arms

Oh, here we go. This is this is straight up a scene out of Evil Dead Oh

God oh you done son. This is so nerve-racking

This is horrifying, holy crap

That was

Incredible, I think anything I can say to that I take it all back to when I first said I don't know how it can

Beat the first one already. It's yeah in the first act alone, which I think we're through officially

It's like one of the best superhero movies I've ever seen. Yeah, yeah

This is me deleting tinder for the 500th time

On tinder there's nothing sadder than the shot of the flaccid Spider Man gosh

No chest hair at all. Did he wax for this movie?

Do you think yeah when I was a kid, I thought that chest hair was abnormal because of movies


It's true movies people now don't have to chase off all the hair. Why?

Cuz not as like a little nice to look at for most people I guess

Where is this true


Like 95% of the audience wouldn't know that this is inaccurate. So like that's true

yeah, I know exactly and also it's too good to criticize this is

Maybe the best action see it is incredible

That was awesome. Oh

God, he has the wildest aspirin right now

He's just burning rubber on that. You just smell burnt rubber. Yeah exams, but I might just get his ass on the pass

Is there that lever on a train for real the go faster lever

Well, there's a go faster there is controls but the one that's like go. Hella fast to brake the lever fast

I'm not a train conductor. I'll leave that to the professor

This is what I feel like after lifting too many grocery bags

They referencing like Jesus Christ a little bit

Jesus kind of ruined a lot of media because now you can't have a hero spread his arms without having it be a Christ

Yeah, yeah, it's kind of like how Dick's ruined buildings cuz buildings can really only be so lucious

Did you just say?

That is bullshit unless he's like he has like a 40 year old son look into your eyes. Oh, what a moment

Here's another respectable thing about this movie

it didn't go right into him being the villain for number 2 if there's

One thing that all three Spider Man movies are good at its making it one villain at a time

That is the best thing about all of three movies right? I'll do it. Oh my god, he's gonna

sacrifice himself

Classic mm upskirt baby asymptotic all up trench. Ah

That's when you finally re-download tinder and make the message

Get him tiger

That's the best superhero movie yeah, I bet the third movie's not good, but I haven't seen it in a long time neither

Have I see it in theaters? And I was a kid. So did I am loved I

Remember some moments specifically that I liked if they play as they did in my memory must be great

Right this movie must be as good as I remember it when I was a kid and didn't know shit


Feel bad for Sam Raimi about this. Did he also direct this one? Yeah against his will


He had his very specific spy. Romantic God you wanted to do and the studio

Forced him to put Venom in- and he didn't give a fuck. He's gone on record saying that he doesn't even like that. Oh, wow. Yeah

What is it about this that looks so nothing god, I want it I want this to be good weird

Oh, why do I get such weird feelings from this?

I know I'm like gagging the movie should ah the action sequence itself is cool. Like the shot composition is all there

It's great. The way it moves is great the CG

specifically is giving it such a weird feeling pretty sure the reason why the CGI sucks is because they spent all

The budget on the sand that's probably true this right here is my favorite scene in any spider baby. This is absolutely insane

Am I wrong or is this good? So awesome, right. This is beautiful. So great. Holy shit

I could see this playing out like a church on on Easter or something. Oh


No, but a moment over here the whole year production went into that one Sandman see go get em tiger. Oh

No, get them tiger. Oh my god

Gawain oh, it's tougher. Did you forget Topher was in this? Yeah. Well, I hope you're ready for a lot of Topher

Oh, no, that's right. He's venom isn't-

Definitely why is he venom? You know, I guess one person can make a difference dude, honestly from the moment

I first saw Stanley cameos as a kid. I was like, oh shit

Am I gonna have to watch this guy die in my lifetime you did

That's how I feel about like Paul McCartney and Lorne Michaels. I

Actually, I liked all the same man scenes from what I can recall I'll hold my tongue so far everything without been a minute

All the time

If Mary Jane was actually from Queens, so she would have found inside. That's a good point. I'm not getting Queens energy from her

I'm getting East Village energy from her

Oh my god, this is the weirdest plot point, are you ready? I can't remember originally

We thought that this man Dennis Carradine was your husband's killer. This is



Exactly, oh no their retconning stuff. Don't wreck don't fuck with the other movie. No, they're right

This is the man who killed your husband. No

Don't do it

That's kind of cool that is really nothing looks we got it's just gonna you oh, why did it go down on him

This isn't Ghostbuster shit. Don't suck me off. Oh

God is that confirmation, but this that way I don't like that


Come on that's cool though. That's cool with the musical sting. Yeah, and the fact he's like where am I? Oh my god

It's not a ladder into zas. Yeah, I think that he was cakier in the last movie was yeah

Wait question, that suit is a new one. So that didn't make his old suit black him create

Stupid sure, I

Can't get too concerned with this guy's made of sand. He had snow inside. Well, he has one weakness

He gets all poopy sand when you inve poopy poopy sand castles, okay your shoes in the water I swear to God oh

You went and did it didn't show up. We'll be sent to the max. Oh, yeah

Immediately just I tried in this movie uses several soap opera techniques

Yeah amnesia an evil twin. Yeah, and

retcon upon retcon upon retcons road car

That got me ah

With two plastic balls, can I get a water stirred? What did you do to her?

I told my hair this way for you. Is he crying? No, that's a shadow looks

Fucking not he applied makeup. Oh

That's awesome actually


All right, look wait oh


Nothing is happening in the order. I remember it happening in scene-by-scene

It has been a good movie but looking at all the scenes together as a whole

I think it's just a mess pacing as we're something next. I don't know what the story because it has three villains. Yeah and like

That was put together. Yeah. Yeah. Yes this feel like a fan edit. Yeah of like a HBO

Yeah part series. We have poop man

Is that a condom oh god, I thought he was holding a used

Spider-man oh, this is so cool. I got a heated debate about whether or not

Willem Dafoe has a cameo in this scene you'd need an eagle eye. So everyone please pay attention with me here. Look at that eye

Now I realize how wrong I was

That's clearly just a younger guy. I could see why that's like Willem Dafoe as a kid who had poor facial recognize

What I mean, right then clearly is like a 25 year old. Oh

No, I remember what this scene is about Oh

God about no

Whoa, and spider-man three did it first?

What happened to their pianist?

Why is he a bandleader?

This is why the band's keep on playing. This is not ski the coolest fucking guy in the world. Okay?

This is a hundred percent taking the turn for the worst doesn't this feel like

Sam Raimi was forced to put venom in there and he was like, we'll see how they like this

Dig on this what


Remember that when you realize you shouldn't have read downloaded tinder

This looks cool like if I saw this on a VFX directors real I'd be like that looks great

Yeah, I'd like Tom already better than Topher Grace though, I'll tell you that much oh

My god probably purposefully messed up the venom stuff forget I told you

You know what I'll screw up my Rotten Tomatoes

This movie did kind of start strong didn't it it did yeah way stronger than its surest

I think it fell apart the second that Eddie Brock shows. Oh, yeah, totally a hundred percent agree

Wouldn't you rather this to an amazing spider-man? Oh, yeah

They make a fuck you Sony movie then just like a boring the most bland spider-man movie of all time

All New York is holding its breath as the hostage crisis continues to unfold. I guess we're at the plate or bad

Oh wait, this is the end

Did we just hop to the fucking ahead design I'm saying I thought this feels like it miniseries

That was yeah every attempt by the police to rescue. The hostage has been thwarted by the Sandman

It may be wrong, but I kind of remember the movie being cool from here on out

He's back to regular old red white and blue. There's no white in it. But for the purpose of America, there is great

Oh, no my copy of spider-man 1 and 2

Scratch Butler did you scratch these? No, but I've kept the third one in pristine condition

Leona retcon has two and that's actually is dada long Harry. I'm your dad

Sand would be in your ass crack for years if you were oh, yeah

Takes me a week. Yeah and I farts and four months after oh, yeah. This shot is cool


Why does Sandman so obviously cooler than anything else ant think about a movie where?

Sandman was the only villain if they doubled down on him trying to

Like get medicine for his daughter be way more effective. Look he turned to glass. That's awesome

Yeah, that's actually really smart. This would have been such an incredible payoff if they had really developed this but for now

It's just two boys on a stick fighting a big turd

The Hobgoblin just rise a rip stick

You gotta take it off what you lil pervert you wanna see my dick Parker oh

my god

This is less emotional that I remember. Yeah, I remember this. Damn

I really remember this being a good part when I said a second ago, I remember this being good

I thought that was the good part. I

Wanna feel so bad there. We really just don't cuz it's all just so crazy. So wildly put together at the end

I didn't sign up for a cage match


Feel like are they teasing what venom should have looked like right now? Yeah, this is right

I like I mean, this is bats venom. See like, where was that? Yeah. Where was that guy?

Why was he scanning make venom thick again?

Yeah, well that's the end of ennum I just feel like an actual weight was lifted off my shoulders a sad sandstorm

Dude they can make

If they can make a hype summertime sadness they can make a sad sandstorm. Is that it? That's it

This movie has good parts and I'm gonna stick to that. Yeah, it has good parts everybody

Thank you so much for joining us on this entire

Spider-man journey, really? Thank you. We couldn't done it without you. We wouldn't have done

If you'd like to listen to our entire feature-length commentary tracks

You can download all three at shop pretty much done it or you can get a brand new commentary track every single week at join

Dot pretty much done it. You can follow me Eli and Gabe on social media at dr

J key at Eli sauerkraut's and at lazer mouth respectively if you want to make sure you never miss a new video from us go

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