Microwaves are serious business. Please don't try this at home!
Once, I burnt my tongue on a Hot Pocket!
Jon: (winces in pain) Ooh!
Hello, and welcome to "Is it a Good Idea to Microwave This?" I'm your host for this particular episode only. My name's Jonathan Paula. And this is my sidekick, Riley McIlwain.
I'm not HIS sidekick! I'm JORY'S sidekick!
Okay, what the hell, dude?! Alright, I get it! I'm the annoying cameraguy no one wants to listen to! But alright, it's MY channel, I'll do what I want, I wanna host one episode!
So, clean that grump off your face, and just smile for the camera, okay?
This episode's already gone to the [beep]er! (flushes toilet bank)
Come on, man! What the [beep]?!
*theme song plays*
Jory: It smells like victory!
Jory: All hands to the deck!
Jory: Nobody likes roasted nuts!
Jory: Let's get outta here!
Jory: Ventilation is key!
Jon: What're you doing?! Put that out!
Jory: Stopping, stopping!
Jory: The masks- they do nothing!
Riley: The tin foil shield- it actually worked!
Jon: Does it still work?
Jory: You're dumb!
Jory and Riley: 2.6!
Jory: Is it a good idea to microwave this?
Let's go find out! Here at Jory Caron's Microwave Laboratory 2.6, safety is our number three concern. And, uh... (grunts) The reason that Jory isn't, you know, behind the camera, is because I kinda pissed... (grunts again)
Jory: Do you need help with that?
Jon: ...Riley off in the intro, so Riley's on camera, Jory's over... (grunts loudly, breathes sigh of relief, then flushes toilet bank)
What'd you just do?!
Jon: (laughs) Finished up! Are you ready to go microwave this now? Oh, sorry! There's a little dangler! (flushes toilet bank again)
*Jory fake vomits into toilet bank*
Oh, yeah, by the way, donated by Ziphorah14! And over here, not donated by anybody, is Penny, our Panasonic microwave.
We've got some fans, we've got a siren light. Safety all over the place! It's great!
Jon: So, we're gonna put this in there. There's the toilet, ready to flush. (to Jory) How long should we put it in there for, chief?
Jory: Brown goes down. Two...
Jon: Well, it's a number... The thing you do in a toilet most often is a 1 or a 2, so let's add 'em up, and put it in there for 3 minutes and 33 seconds!
Jon: (in falsetto) Let's get outta here!
Jon: Here we go!
Jory: Ooh! That bowl lights up!
Jon: The view is so much better from up here!
Jory: Yeah, yeah!
Jon: And when I put these goggles on, it's like I'm wearing nothing at all!
Jory: I usually don't wear anything at all when I'm on the toilet!
Jon: Yeah, I don't know about you guys, but when I take a poop, I like to take my pants all the way off!
Jory: I do it at public urinals, too!
Jon: It lets you just swing your feet when you're on the toilet!
Jory: I completely undress! Socks, shoes, everything in a public restroom! Yeah! Well, you don't wanna get wet, you know?
Jon: Now, I'm not sure if you noticed this, but part of the bowl was just glowing bright red! And I have to apologize that that was mostly from the Thanksgiving dinner from last week!
Jory: What'd you eat? Razor blades?! Did you just eat the whole, like, bones and all?
Jon: I'll be honest- there was a lotta corn! A lotta corn!
Jon: (to Riley) How's it goin' up there, chief?
Riley: This job isn't THAT hard!
Jon: I know, right?
Jory: I disagree! This job is hard half the time!
Jon: I can tell from your pants there! You wanna back off a bit?
Jon: Uh-oh! Okay, the water basin at the top of the toilet is now on fire!
Jory: I didn't know porcelain could catch on fire!
Jon: Well, apparently, this plastic piece of [beep]...
Riley: Whoa! Oh, my goodness!
Jon: Wow! It just completely degraded in seconds!
Jory: Well, that's what happens, usually, when I'm done with it!
Jon: You know what that is? That's diarrhea acid, eating through that!
Jon: Oh! It just spilled out!
Jory: Oh, it had batteries in it.
Riley: That's a very bad case of hemorrhoids!
Jon: Wow! That thing is going to town at this point.
Jory: Prostate cancer?
Jon: I'm gonna go ahead and sound the red alarm here, put on our fan. And that thing is intense! I'm gonna need to get the gloves! Thiis is serious business! Ooh!
Jory: It's off.
Jon: Okay, guys, masks on! Ready to go!
Jon: Alright, chief, I'm goin' in! And flush! Holy moley!
Riley: Oh, my God!
Jory: It's not on fire anymore. That's a good thing!
Jon: Wow! That is a mess! That looks like a pile of [beep]!
Jory: That's what happens, usually, when I'm done with it!
Jon: More nasty comin' in! Oh, there you go!
Jory: No! I'm just seein' if it still works! It doesn't!
Jon: No! The problem here with this toilet is, even if I did take a huge dump in this, it's all the way backed up back here!
Jon: That's why I'm gonna go ahead and say that microwaving a plastic toilet is neither here nor there, neither [beep] nor piss, neither good idea or bad idea!
I think it's just a flush! It's a flush idea! I'm comin' up with it right now!
Jory: A flush idea?
The graphic will be right here, it'll be brown in color! Flush idea! Right off the spot! I can do that as the director!
Jory: Can you smear it on there, too?
Yeah, just... (makes farting sound) Flush idea!
Jory: What the [beep]?!
That's how I take poos! You don't do this when you poo?
No? 'Cause it helps, I think, if you can't really get the velocity. It just kinda, like, throws it out there!
Jon: So, that about does it for this episode of "Is it a Good Idea to Microwave This?" I'm your host, Jonathan Paula. This is Jory, wearing the Riley sidekick shirt, and you'll be hosting again next week, won't you?
It's a sexy idea!
*end credits play*
Jon: (grunts) And also, I have Jory here as my... (laughs) Let's do that again!
Jory: Do you have a problem?
Jon: Have you ever been in a situation, Jory, where you clog a toilet, but you don't have a plunger handy?
Jory: Yeah, I usually just use my fist, though!
Jon: Just go in there with your fist and go, "Take that, [beep]!"