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Practice English Speaking&Listening with: America's Funniest Home Videos - Salute to Stupidity and Dog Park

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(cheering)

(Tom) HERE'S A SNEAK PEAK AT TONIGHT'S "AFV."

WE DARE YOU NOT TO LAUGH.

♪♪♪

(boy shouts indistinctly)

OHH!

AAH!

OH!

(screaming and laughter)

AAH! (laughs)

(man laughs)

(screaming)

(cheers and applause)

WELCOME TO...

AND NOW, HERE HE IS, THE HOST OF "AFV"...

TOM BERGERON!

(cheering)

♪♪♪

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

VERY NICE.

THANKS, GUYS. WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN SEE THIS GREAT COUNTRY

BY PLANE, TRAIN, OR CAR.

BUT ON "AFV," YOU CAN SEE IT BY VIDEO,

BECAUSE WE HAVE CLIPS FROM EVERY STATE.

IT'S FREE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PACK.

AND IF YOU HAVE TO USE A DIRTY RESTROOM,

YOU HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF.

(saw buzzing)

I DON'T KNOW THE QUICKEST WAY OFF THAT LADDER,

BUT THE TREE HAS A SUGGESTION.

(woman gasps)

(indistinct conversations and laughter)

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR CHEST BUMP

IS MORE OF A BELLY BUMP.

(laughs) OKAY THEN.

(laughter)

I MISSED IT! (laughs)

WHEN YOU'RE JUMPING ON A TRAMPOLINE,

MAKE SURE YOU AND YOUR SHORTS ARE JUMPING

AT THE SAME VELOCITY.

AAH! AAH! AAH!

(man) OH!

IT'S ON TAPE!

AAH!

MOM TOLD THEM TO PLAY OUTSIDE...

OH!

BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT

THE VIDEO GAMES WERE TOO VIOLENT.

(grunting)

HEY, YOUR GYM MEMBERSHIP IS UNLIMITED.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT ALL AT ONCE.

(man laughing)

THIS GUY NEEDS EITHER A BIGGER PAD,

OR BETTER AIM.

(metal clangs)

OHH! (bleep)

THIS POSSUM SHOULD HAVE PLAYED POSSUM,

BECAUSE THIS DOG IS PLAYING DOG.

(woman) GET HIM!

(child laughs)

GET HIM!

GET HIM, WOODROW.

(man) OOH, WATCH IT.

LOOK AT--AAH! (screams indistinctly)

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE HIGH-END DOG ACCESSORY BUSINESS

IS A MULTIBILLION DOLLAR A YEAR INDUSTRY?

THAT MEANS LOTS OF PEOPLE

ARE SPENDING LOTS OF MONEY ON THEIR DOGS.

EITHER THAT, OR THERE'S ONE DOG IN BEVERLY HILLS

WITH A SOLID GOLD FIRE HYDRANT.

COME ON AND SNIFF SOME NEW FRIENDS!

WE'RE GOING TO THE DOG PARK!

(whimpering)

NO, WE CAN'T HAVE IT ON. IT AIN'T RAINING.

(barking)

THIS WIENER LIKES WIPERS SO MUCH,

HE TURNS THEM ON HIMSELF.

GET AWAY--

(barking)

THAT HAIR CLIP IS DRIVING THAT POMERANIAN "INSANE-IAN."

(woman laughing)

OKAY. YOU BROUGHT A DOG IN, HUH? OKAY.

(barking and panting)

(clapping and speaks indistinctly)

OKAY. HERE'S THE QUESTION--

AS IMPRESSIVE AS THIS IS,

HOW DOES HE KNOW WHICH BRANCH TO FETCH?

GOOD BOY!

(clapping hands)

GOOD BOY! ALL RIGHT!

HEY, BUDDY, BASED ON WHAT I KNOW

ABOUT SLIP N' SLIDES, YOUR DOG IS DOING YOU A FAVOR.

(man shouts and laughs)

(gasps)

(laughter)

SOME DOGS BURY THEIR BONES.

SOME BURY THEIR FRIENDS.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE THE SKATEBOARD FOR A RIDE.

HE WANTS TO TAKE THE CAMERA FOR A WALK.

(thud)

NO! NO!

(shouting indistinctly)

(dog panting)

HYAH!

(panting continues)

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR SALUTE TO STUPIDITY.

WE ALWAYS BASE THESE ON REAL STORIES.

THERE'S THE WOMAN FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

WHO WAS ARRESTED FOR BURGLARY

AT AGE 82.

SHE WAS EVENTUALLY TRACKED DOWN AND APPREHENDED

AFTER THE WORLD'S SLOWEST POLICE CHASE.

(imitating elderly woman) "COME ON, COPPERS! I DARE YA!"

(normal voice) HERE ARE SOME OTHER PEOPLE

WHO DIDN'T QUITE THINK THINGS THROUGH.

AAH!

AAH!

OH!

YOU CAN'T BLAME THAT ON SPIDER MONKEY.

(men shouting indistinctly)

THIS DUNE DUDE IS DOOMED.

OH!

AAH!

OH, MY GOD! (laughs)

(laughter)

(screaming)

LIKE EVERY GREAT ATHLETE, SOONER OR LATER

YOU'RE GONNA HIT THE WALL.

(man gasps and laughs)

(woman) GET IT?

YEAH!

HOW CAN YOU RUN IN PLACE

AND STILL END UP GOING SOMEWHERE?

AAH! AAH!

YOU THINK SHOVELING SNOW IS TOUGH?

TRY RAKING IT.

(groans)

(laughter)

IT'S LIKE, MAKE SURE THAT IT... HITS.

COME AROUND. SO TRY AND RELAX.

HE'S PRACTICING MUAY THAI,

BUT IT DOESN'T GO MUY BIEN.

BAM!

WELCOME TO JOSEPH

AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR PARASAIL.

(motor rumbling, roaring)

(cheering)

THEY SAY YOU NEED TO FACE YOUR FEAR.

BUT WHAT IF YOUR FEAR

IS SOMETHING HAPPENING TO YOUR FACE?

("In Your Face" by Kevin Fisher playing)

I CAN DO IT

THERE'S NOTHING TO IT

JUMP RIGHT THROUGH IT

OH, OH, OH, OH

(laughing)

THE SKY'S THE LIMIT I'M DIVING IN IT

EVERY SINGLE MINUTE

OH, OH, OH, OH

AAH!

OH, OH, OH, OH

OH, OH, OH

OH

OUT OF THE SHADOW, INTO THE RACE

(screaming)

SNEAKING UP BEHIND YOU, TAKING YOUR PLACE

MY MIND'S MADE UP, MY BODY OBEYS

(laughs)

WATCH ME, I'LL BE

(cymbal crashes)

IN YOUR FACE

(laughing)

HEY, HEY, HEY

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, BUT I'M GONNA BEAT YOU

DEFEAT YOU, OH, OH, OH, OH

I'M A FAST TRAIN RACING DOWN A TRACK

YOU'LL BE LOOKING AT MY BACK, JACK

OHH!

OH, OH, OH, OH

OH, OH, OH

OH, OH, OH

OH

OUT OF THE SHADOW, INTO THE RACE

SNEAKING UP BEHIND YOU, TAKING YOUR PLACE

MY MIND'S MADE UP, MY BODY OBEYS

OH!

WATCH ME, I'LL BE THERE

OUT OF THE SHADOW, INTO THE RACE

SNEAKING UP BEHIND YOU, TAKING YOUR PLACE

MY MIND'S MADE UP, MY BODY OBEYS

OH!

WATCH ME, I'LL BE

IN YOUR FACE

♪♪♪

UPLOAD YOUR FUNNY VIDEO TO afv.com.

♪♪♪

WELCOME BACK. GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

I AM, UH... I'M NOT THE KIND OF PERSON

TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU HOW TO VOTE, HOW TO EAT.

I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU YOU SHOULDN'T JUGGLE CHAINSAWS.

THAT'S YOUR BUSINESS. BUT FOR THESE NEXT VIDEOS,

I AM GOING TO TELL YOU WHERE TO LOOK.

'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T LOOK IN THE BACKGROUND,

YOU'LL MISS ALL THE FUN.

HEY, THEY'RE PUTTING ON A PLAY.

AND IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME A BACKGROUND ACTOR

STOLE THE SHOW.

(woman laughing)

JUNIOR'S PLAYING AROUND,

AND DAD IS NUNCHAKU THE WISER.

(clangs)

OHH!

(boy laughing)

NOTHING WILL COME BETWEEN THE BRIDE AND GROOM--

EXCEPT FOR THAT GUY SLIDING DOWN THE STAIRS.

AND THAT CHOIR MEMBER'S GONNA NEED A "CHOIR-PRACTOR."

SHE'S WORKING HER ARMS,

HER FRIEND'S WORKING HER GLUTES.

HERE'S ONE CYCLIST WHO WON'T HAVE TO GIVE UP HIS TITLES.

(man laughs) OH!

(cheering)

OKAY, IT IS TIME FOR AN EPIC FIGHT--

OUT OF CONTROL OINKERS TAKE ON BELLIGERENT BEATERS!

(bell dings)

TONIGHT ON "VS."...

THIS PIGLET MAKES HIS POSITION CLEAR.

(pigs squealing)

WELL PLAYED, PORKY!

(whirring)

BUT THE MIXERS TAKE THE LEAD--

BY A HAIR.

(whirring stops)

AHH! AHH! AAH!

NO PIGGYBACK RIDES FOR JIMBO TODAY.

(pig squealing)

YOUCH!

THE MIXERS ARE STIRRING THINGS UP.

(whirring)

(speaking indistinctly)

UH-OH! THIS BACON WILL LEAVE HIM ACHIN'!

OI!

MIX IN HALF--AAH!

THE MIXERS WOULD LIKE TO BORROW A CUP OF VICTORY.

OH, NO! (laughs)

BUT THE OTHER WHITE MEAT JUST WON'T BE BEAT.

(pig squealing)

(whirring)

THE MIXERS HAVE ONE LAST CHANCE,

SO IT'S BATTER UP!

(whirring stops)

(bell dings)

AND THE WINNER IS...

PEOPLE WHO CAN'T USE KITCHEN MIXERS.

(man laughing)

JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN THE MIXERS TAKE ON...

ON "VS."

(cheering)

CAMPING MIGHT SEEM LIKE AN EASY, LAID-BACK WAY

OF EXPERIENCING NATURE, BUT LET'S FACE IT--

NOT EVERYONE'S CUT OUT FOR CAMPING.

IN FACT, "CAMP" IS ACTUALLY AN ACRONYM

THAT STANDS FOR "CITY FOLK AIN'T MENTALLY PREPARED."

YOU CAN TELL THESE TWO ARE NEW TO CANOE.

YEAH, YOU'RE FACING THE WRONG WAY.

AAH! OH, MY--

THAT MIGHT BE A 2-PERSON TENT,

BUT IT'S ONLY BIG ENOUGH FOR ONE CAT.

(cat yowls)

30 MILLION YEARS TO FORM THOSE ROCKS.

THREE SECONDS TO SLIDE DOWN.

UHH...

(laughs and groans)

HEY, PAL, EVEN THE DOGS KNOW ENOUGH

NOT TO TRY THIS.

(woman shouting indistinctly)

(laughs) ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

(giggling)

HEY, CHECK IT OUT--

A PUP TENT.

(woman laughing)

(woman) YOU GOT THAT?

(laughing continues)

AAH!

AHH!

(woman laughs)

AS A TRAINED MIME,

I KNOW A GOOD "WALKING AGAINST THE WIND" BIT

WHEN I SEE ONE.

(woman laughing)

IT IS BLOWING AWAY! OHH!

(men laughing)

COME ON, GUYS. THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY

TO TAKE DOWN YOUR TENT.

OHH!

(laughing)

WHOO!

(shouting indistinctly)

WHOO!

(woman) AHH! (laughs)

I THINK I GOT THAT, EXCEPT I MOVED.

(man) NO, IN THE MIDDLE.

THAT WAY, THAT WAY, BABE. QUICK.

(laughs)

IT'S GONNA BE QUITE THE VIDEO.

COME BACK. COME THIS WAY. COME THIS WAY.

NO...

JUST MOVE AHEAD A BIT BY--

OH, LOOK, THEY'RE SHOOTING THE COVER SHOT

FOR "GULLIBILITY MONTHLY."

AAH! (laughing)

(laughing)

EVERY SEASON, WE OFFER YOU, OUR VIEWERS,

THE CHANCE TO WIN INCREDIBLE VACATION PRIZES.

WELL, NOW IS YOUR FIRST OPPORTUNITY.

IF YOU ENTER THE FIRST "AFV" DREAM VACATION SWEEPSTAKES,

YOU COULD WIN A VACATION FOR FOUR

TO THE DISNEYLAND RESORT IN CALIFORNIA

TO CREATE THOSE SPECIAL MOMENTS,

THE ONES WE ONLY HAVE LIMITED TIME TO CAPTURE.

STICK AROUND, 'CAUSE LATER WE'LL TELL YOU

HOW YOU COULD HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN.

(Jess) CHILDREN GROW UP FAST,

AND FAMILIES HAVE ONLY A LIMITED TIME

TO CREATE THOSE SPECIAL CHERISHED MEMORIES.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME

TO EXPERIENCE THE DISNEYLAND RESORT IN CALIFORNIA

THAN RIGHT NOW.

THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH GETS EVEN HAPPIER,

AS THIS MONTH'S SWEEPSTAKES WINNER AND THREE GUESTS

RECEIVE THE VACATION OF A LIFETIME

AT DISNEYLAND RESORT.

THEY CAN STAY IN ONE OF THREE THEMED RESORT HOTELS,

ENJOY DINING AND SHOPPING

AT THE DOWNTOWN DISNEY DISTRICT,

COULD SEE THEIR DISNEY DREAMS COME TRUE

AT THE BELOVED DISNEY PARK, AND VISIT THE NEWLY EXPANDED

DISNEY CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE PARK.

THIS RE-IMAGINED PARK WILL IMMERSE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY

IN SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE DISNEY AND PIXAR STORIES

LIKE NEVER BEFORE.

START YOUR ENGINES, BECAUSE IT'S ON TO CARS LAND.

MOTOR THROUGH THE TOWN OF RADIATOR SPRINGS,

WHERE ALMOST EVERY DETAIL OF THE DISNEY-PIXAR

ANIMATED CLASSIC "CARS" HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO LIFE.

WITH SO MANY EXCITING NEW ATTRACTIONS

AT THE DISNEYLAND RESORT,

YOUR FAMILY WILL NEED SEVERAL DAYS

TO EXPERIENCE THEM ALL.

STAY TUNED TO HEAR HOW TO ENTER

THE "AFV" DREAM VACATION SWEEPSTAKES

FOR A CHANCE TO WIN THIS VACATION.

(cheering)

ALL RIGHTY! WHO IS GAME FOR A GAME?

WE'VE GOT, FROM PEPPERDINE UNIVERSITY,

COURTNEY AND COURTNEY.

THAT MAKES IT EASY FOR ME TO REMEMBER.

WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?

I'M AN EDUCATION MAJOR.

EDUCATION MAJOR. AND, COURTNEY?

UM, ENGLISH AND COMMUNICATIONS.

WOW. 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, WE OFTEN, ON THIS SHOW,

COMMUNICATE IN ENGLISH,

SO THAT SHOULD...

(laughs)

GIVE YOU A BIT OF AN ADVANTAGE.

AND EDUCATION RARELY FACTORS INTO ANYTHING

THAT WE DO ON THIS SHOW, SO...

THAT'S VERY TRUE.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, COURTNEY NUMBER ONE.

(laughs)

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL--

WHEN YOU SEE A GROUP OF PEOPLE

STANDING NEAR A BODY OF WATER ON OUR SHOW,

ONE QUESTION COMES TO MIND, AND THAT IS...

♪♪♪

YOUR JOB TO WATCH THE CLIPS AND TELL ME

WHO ENDS UP, UH, WET, ALL RIGHT?

YOU GOT IT?

WE GOT IT.

IT'S THAT EASY. FIRST UP, WE ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT.

OKAY.

COURTNEY NUMBER ONE, WHO'S GOING IN?

I WOULD HAVE TO SAY...

THE GUY IN THE FRONT OF THE BOAT.

THE--THE--THIS GUY HERE?

THAT ONE.

SITTING DOWN, VERY CASUALLY?

GOT THE--GOT THE-- LOOKS COMPLETELY--

COURTNEY NUMBER TWO, WHO'S GOING IN?

I THINK... THE GUY WHO GOT OUT FIRST.

HE'S GONNA FALL BACKWARDS AND FALL IN THE WATER.

ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU THINK THESE TWO PEOPLE...

YEAH, I THINK THEY'RE SAFE.

SAFE.

MM-HMM.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE...

I HOPE.

IF COURTNEY OR COURTNEY IS RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. GUY CLIMBING OUT.

LET'S SEE IF HE LOSES HIS BAL--

NO.

NO.

HE--HE MADE THE FENCE. UH, ALL RIGHT.

UH-OH. GUY WITH THE OAR. HE'S GOING OUT.

OH! OH, YEOW!

ALL RIGHT.

♪♪♪

COURTNEY...

I GOT IT.

YOU GOT IT.

I GOT IT.

EDUCATION COURTNEY 1,

COMMUNICATION COURTNEY BUPKES. OKAY.

LET'S TRY AGAIN WITH A POOLSIDE TUG-OF-WAR.

(shouts)

ALL RIGHT, NOW...

OOH.

I WOULD MENTION-- LOOK--LOOK AT THIS GUY.

HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S UP TO NO GOOD BACK HERE,

WITH THE HANDS OUTSTRETCHED.

WHO DO YOU THINK IN THIS TUG-OF-WAR,

COURTNEY NUMBER ONE, IS GOING IN?

(inhales) I'M GONNA GUESS THE LITTLE GIRL.

REALLY? LITTLE GIRL HERE?

MM-HMM.

SHE'S THE MOST VULNERABLE.

MM-HMM.

JUST FROM A-A WEIGHT PERSPECTIVE, I THINK.

(laughs)

YEAH. AND, COURTNEY NUMBER TWO?

SHE STOLE MINE, BUT JUST TO BE DIFFERENT,

I'LL SAY THAT THE THREE OF THEM--

THE LITTLE GIRL, THE GUY IN THE RED,

AND THE LITTLE BOY IN THE WHITE--

THEY'RE ALL GOING IN.

ALL RIGHT, BUT WE KNOW

DEEP IN YOUR HEART, YOU THINK IT'S JUST THE LITTLE GIRL.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BUT...

OH.

MAYBE. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

(both laughing)

COM-COMMUNICATIONS IS YOUR MAJOR?

YES.

LET'S SEE WHO'S-- WHO'S GOING IN.

(laughs)

(shouts)

(shouting in foreign language)

UHH! WHOA! THE LADY...

THERE.

SO...

COURTNEY...

(wah-wah horn plays)

COURTNEY NUMBER ONE, YOU WERE WRONG.

AND I'M GONNA GIVE YOU 1/3 OF A POINT...

YES!

FOR THAT, ALL RIGHT?

THANK YOU.

SO IT'S 1 TO A 1/3,

AND HERE'S YOUR LAST CHANCE, ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS A COUPLE OF GUYS HIKING BY THE SHORELINE.

(laughter)

♪♪♪

UH, ALL RIGHT, SO OF THESE THREE GUYS,

COURTNEYS, WHO'S GOING ON?

I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BE THE FIRST GUY,

SO MY GUESS IS GONNA BE THE NOT OBVIOUS--

ONE OF THOSE TWO IN THE BACK.

YEAH, LET'S NARROW THAT DOWN.

(laughing)

UH, WHICH OF THE ONE OF THOSE TWO

IN THE BACK DO YOU THINK IT IS?

I'M GONNA GO WITH THE RED SHORTS.

RED SHORTS, ALL RIGHT. TOO OBVIOUS, RED SHORTS.

ALL RIGHT, COURTNEY NUMBER TWO?

THIS IS SO HARD.

I KNOW!

I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME.

IT'S SO HARD!

(laughing)

UM, I--

WAIT TILL YOU GET ON

"ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5th GRADER?"

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, SO I ALREADY FAIL.

BUT, UM...

YEAH!

I GUESS SINCE COURTNEY NUMBER ONE GUESSED RED SHORTS,

I'LL GUESS GRAY SHORTS.

GRAY SHORTS. LET'S SEE WHO'S GOING IN--

RED SHORTS, GRAY SHORTS, DORKY DANCER.

(laughter)

WHOA! OH! RED SHORTS!

RED SHORTS.

THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO.

(speaks indistinctly)

OKAY. NOW...

YOU GUYS 2 POINTS, YOU GOT 1/3,

BUT NO ONE GOES HOME A LOSER ON "WHO'S GOING IN?"

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT. YES!

A TOM BERGERON...

OH, WOW!

BOBBLEHEAD TO CALL--

WAIT A MINUTE. HE HAS A NECK INJURY.

COME ON THERE.

IT SPEAKS.

LOOK AT THAT, HUH?

WOW!

THAT'S RIGHT, YOUR OWN-- YOUR OWN BOBBLEHEAD.

LOVE IT.

AND--

AND IF YOU LOOK REALLY CLOSE,

IT LOOKS KIND OF LIKE THE LOVE CHILD

OF PRINCE CHARLES AND GEORGE W. BUSH,

DOESN'T IT?

(laughs)

AND--AND IT'S ALL YOURS! YEAH!

HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR THE COURTNEYS?

(cheering)

NOW LET'S STOP PLAYING GAMES

AND START PLAYING VIDEO.

(woman) THEY'RE STANDING HERE. YOU CAN TAKE THE PICTURE.

(man) YOU'RE GONNA SEE MY FINGERS... (laughs)

IT'S NOT MY--

(screaming)

OH, MY GOD!

(man) IS EVERYONE OKAY?

OH, MY GOSH. OH, MY GOSH! IS EVERYBODY ALL RIGHT?

(woman) I THINK SO.

(man) WHAT?

(man) WHOO!

(woman) OH, MY GOD.

(man) YOU'LL REMEMBER THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

(indistinct conversations and laughter)

OHH! I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK.

OH, MY.

A LOT OF GREAT CLIPS START WITH THE SENTENCE,

"I'LL BE FINE ONCE I CLEAR THE ROCKS."

(screams)

(woman) OH!

LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO

BEFORE WE DEFEND THE GOLD IN RIO.

(boy laughing) GOD!

(laughs)

WHEN SOCCER MEETS BASKETBALL,

YOU BEND IT LIKE LeBRON.

OHH!

(dance music playing)

YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO COVER UP

WHEN THE KIDS COVER THEIR MOUTHS.

(cheering and gasping)

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A FIRE PIT OR A BARBECUE,

BUT I KNOW WHEN IT'S LIT.

(flame whooshes)

MASSAGES!

MASSAGE!

IS THIS MASSAGE... SWEDISH,

SHIATSU,

OR THOROUGHBRED?

(cheering)

THE KNEE IS THE LARGEST JOINT IN THE HUMAN BODY.

IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMEBODY BESIDES ORTHOPEDISTS

GAVE IT SOME PROPER ATTENTION.

(banjo music playing)

AHH!

AAH!

OHH!

OHH!

(laughs)

OW!

OW!

OHH!

(laughs)

OHH!

(laughter)

(cheering)

SEASON 23 OF "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS"

IS AVAILABLE ON iTunes.

DON'T MISS A SINGLE LAUGH.

♪♪♪

(cheering)

SOMETIMES BY DOING THINGS THE WRONG WAY,

WE DISCOVER WHAT COULD IN FACT BE

A WHOLE NEW WAY OF DOING SOMETHING.

SO, THESE NEXT PEOPLE AREN'T DOING IT WRONG.

THEY'RE INNOVATING!

(man) SHOW ME A TRICK.

ONE MORE TIME.

I'M NO EXPERT, BUT ISN'T POGO-ING HARD ENOUGH

ON SOLID GROUND?

(laughing)

(woman) LET'S TRY IT AGAIN. (laughing)

(laughing continues)

OW!

ARE YOU TRYING TO DO THIS, OR THIS?

OHH!

1, 2, 3...

FOR THE GIRL, IT'S A DANCE LESSON.

FOR THE BOY, IT'S JUST ANOTHER CHANCE

TO THROW HIS SISTER.

(grunts)

OHH!

(crying)

OHH!

(indistinct conversations)

OHH! (laughs)

AFTER MISSING THAT PIÑATA, HE'S PERSONA NON GRATA.

(woman) EVERY DAY I COME HOME, THIS LITTLE BUCKET

IS TIPPED OVER, AND IT'S GOT EXTRA LIGHTBULBS IN IT.

FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS,

IT'S BEEN LIKE THIS.

SO I PICK THEM UP AND I PUT THEM BACK.

AND TODAY I COME HOME, AND THIS IS WHAT I FIND.

OUCH.

(cooing)

WHAT YOU GOT UNDER THERE?

ONE EGG AND THREE LIGHTBULBS.

NICE.

CHECK OUT THIS KAYAK-CIDENT.

WHOA!

(man) WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LAYLA?

MIXING.

WHAT ARE YOU MIXING?

PANCAKES.

MMM!

(clicking tongue)

YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB.

OH, EXCEPT FOR THE NOSE DIGGING! COME ON!

THAT'S DISGUSTING!

(laughs)

"L.O.L., L.O.L., L.O.L." (laughs)

THIS MESSAGE IS FOR EVERYONE

WITH CAMERAS ON THEIR CELL PHONES,

NAMELY... EVERYBODY.

WHEN YOU'RE SHOOTING VIDEO ON YOUR PHONE,

HOLD YOUR PHONE LIKE THIS.

LANDSCAPE, OKAY?

AND NOT--NOT VERTICALLY LIKE THIS,

BECAUSE WHEN YOU HOLD YOUR PHONE LIKE THIS,

YOUR VIDEO LOOKS LIKE... THIS.

NOW THAT'S GREAT-- IF YOU LIKE HUGE BLACK BARS.

BILLY, GO HOLD IT FOR HER.

HOLD IT UNDERNEATH THERE FOR HER.

(children speak indistinctly)

(laughs)

LET'S COMPARE HER

TO SOMEONE WHO HELD THEIR PHONE LANDSCAPE.

(branch snaps)

BETTER LIKE THIS,

OR BETTER LIKE THIS?

(laughs)

BETTER LIKE THIS?

(man laughs)

BETTER LIKE THIS?

(laughs)

BETTER LIKE THIS.

(man laughs)

SEE?

SO, AMERICA, I IMPLORE YOU--

LANDSCAPE, BABY! LANDSCAPE!

NOW LET'S CHECK OUT THESE PEOPLE

AND HOPE THEY HELD THE CAMERA THE RIGHT WAY, TOO.

WHO WANTS IT?

ME!

I WANT IT!

LADIES, IF YOU WANT THAT BOUQUET,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WORK FOR IT.

(cheering and laughing)

OHH!

(clapping)

ONCE HE GETS THAT TREE OUT OF THE WAY,

IT'LL BE SMOOTH SAILING.

(man) WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TODAY, DYLAN?

YEAH, HE'S REALLY HARD UP FOR MONEY.

HE REALLY WANTS SOME CANDY, SO HE'S--

HE'S TRYING TO KNOCK HIS OWN TOOTH OUT.

IT'S KIND OF CRAZY. (speaks indistinctly)

SO, GO AHEAD. TRY TO KNOCK THAT TOOTH OUT.

(men screaming)

OH, YEAH!

OH, HE GOT IT!

SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!

HE GOT IT!

SPIT IT OUT!

SPIT IT OUT!

(panting)

OH, YEAH!

WHOO!

WHOO-HOO-HOO!

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH, HE GOT IT OUT!

WHOO!

MAKE THAT MONEY, BABY!

YAY, MONEY!

SHE'S DOING A FLIP,

AND THE BLANKET'S COMING ALONG FOR THE RIDE.

(girls laughing)

I TOLD YOU!

THIS BALLOON-POPPING GAME

TURNS INTO A CHAIR-BREAKING GAME.

(balloons popping)

(screaming and laughter)

DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

(cheering and laughing)

(speaking inaudibly)

(cheering and laughing)

AND NOW...

(drumming)

(man) WHOA.

THIS HAS BEEN...

(cheering)

YOU KNOW, A GREAT BASEBALL PLAYER

CAN MAKE SOMETHING AS DIFFICULT AS HITTING A HOME RUN

SEEM EFFORTLESS.

BUT THIS NEXT KID TAKES EFFORTLESS TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

HE DOESN'T EVEN MAKE AN EFFORT

TO SWING THE BAT.

THERE'S THE PITCH.

HE DUCKS AND MAKES CONTACT.

AND HE'S OFF TO FIRST.

THE THROW IS WIDE AND INTO THE OUTFIELD.

HE'S ROUNDING SECOND...

ON TO THIRD.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE ACCIDENTAL HIT

BECOMES AN ACCIDENTAL HOME RUN.

(man laughing)

YEAH!

(laughs)

IT IS SAID THAT DOGS CAN ACTUALLY SENSE EARTHQUAKES.

AND I THINK WE'VE ALL SEEN A DOG SENSE

WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO TO THE VET.

TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR DOG RIGHT NOW.

CAN IT SENSE WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW A MONTAGE

ALL ABOUT DOGS?

("Haydn Symphony No. 82" playing)

(toy rattling)

OHH! (laughs)

(teeth clacking)

(barks)

(laughing)

♪♪♪

(barking)

(yelps)

(man) OOH!

HALLOWEEN IS ALMOST HERE, AND IT IS THE SUBJECT

OF TONIGHT'S "ASSIGNMENT AMERICA."

WE WANT TO SEE YOUR FUNNY COSTUMES,

YOUR HALLOWEEN SCARES, YOUR PRACTICAL JOKES.

IT'S HALLOWEEN.

GO OUT, SHOOT SOMETHING-- WITH A CAMERA--

SEND IT IN, AND YOU COULD BE SCARING UP SOME CASH. JESS?

(spooky voice) GATHER YOUR GHOULS,

GHOSTS, AND GREMLINS.

(normal voice) GET THEM ON VIDEO

AND YOU COULD FIND $10,000 OR EVEN $100,000

IN YOUR TREAT BAG.

THEN JUST UPLOAD THE VIDEO TO afv.com,

OR YOU CAN SEND IT TO US AT "AFV"...

FOR FULL CONTEST RULES, LOG ON TO afv.com

OR WRITE THE ADDRESS ABOVE.

CAPTURE YOUR COSTUMES, FEATURE YOUR FRIGHTS,

AND SEND IN YOUR SCARES.

"AFV" WANTS YOUR HALLOWEEN BEST.

ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S THE ONLY THING BETTER

THAN MAKING GRANDMA SMILE?

OH, MAKING GRANDMA SHRIEK.

(man) GRANDMA IS ASLEEP.

AFTER ALL THOSE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES SHE'S BAKED YOU,

DOESN'T GRANDMA DESERVE TO NAP IN PEACE?

(girl) GRANDMA.

LOOK AT YOUR HAND. LOOK AT YOUR HAND.

OH, MY GOSH.

NO. LOOK AT YOUR HAND.

AAH!

(laughter)

YET ANOTHER REASON

THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS IS IN TROUBLE.

(speaks indistinctly)

(man) YEAH.

AAH!

(laughter)

NO ONE'S A BETTER TARGET FOR AN INTERNET JOKE

THAN SOMEONE WHO BARELY KNOWS WHAT THE INTERNET IS.

DID YOU SEE THAT?

YES, I SEE IT.

(speaks indistinctly)

(woman screams)

AAH!

AAH!

(groans)

SOME PEOPLE RUN AWAY.

SOME TRY TO FLY AWAY.

(woman laughs)

AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

YOU GET MOM TO DO YOUR LAUNDRY, AND THIS IS HOW YOU THANK HER?

AAH!

(speaks indistinctly)

AND WATCH AS A FAKE RAT LEADS TO A REAL SCREAM.

AAH! AAH! AAH!

(cries)

WHO DID THAT?

(laughs) I DID.

OH, HO HO.

OH, HO HO.

AAH!

(laughs)

THEY SAY THAT FACING ADVERSITY DOESN'T CREATE CHARACTER,

IT REVEALS IT.

I DISAGREE. IT'S NOT ADVERSITY,

BUT A WEB CAM THAT NO ONE KNOWS IS ON

THAT REVEALS THE CHARACTER AND CHARACTERS IN THIS FAMILY.

YEAH, THAT'S... (speaks indistinctly)

WHAT?

(types on keyboard)

(speaks indistinctly) IT CAN GO IN THE GARAGE OR SOMEWHERE.

WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

(boy) I DON'T LIKE IT.

PROBABLY OVER THERE NEXT TO THAT.

NO.

YOU COULD EVEN SCOOT IT OVER MORE.

(woman) WE'LL SEE.

(speaks indistinctly)

OH, THAT'S HOW GOOD-LOOKING MY ARMS LOOK.

LOOK AT HOW COOL MY ARMS LOOK.

(woman) MOVE THOSE BOXES OUT OF THE WAY.

THEY'RE SO LITTLE. LOOK.

IT'S LIKE A LUMP.

LOOK AT IT. IT'S SO COOL.

(woman) HERE. PUT THESE OUT IN THE GARAGE.

PUT THOSE OUT IN THE GARAGE.

YOU'RE RECORDING, YOU KNOW IT, HEIDI?

(girl) YOU'VE BEEN RECORDING US PICKING UP AND STUFF.

MOVE. LET ME SEE. DEVIN, MOVE. OUT OF THE WAY. MOVE.

WE'VE ALL BEEN CAPTIVATED BY THE IMAGES SENT BACK

BY THE MARS ROVER--

STUNNING VISTAS, BREATHTAKING LANDSCAPES.

ALTHOUGH, I-I GOTTA TELL YOU, DESPITE THE BEAUTY,

NOT A WHOLE LOT GOING ON UP ON MARS,

WHICH IS GOOD FOR US.

NO COMPETITION FROM "MARS' FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS."

(man) PETER, GET OUT, QUICK.

GET OUT HERE.

GET OUT.

(speaks indistinctly)

(laughs)

I CAN'T DO IT.

WHEN HIS FRIEND STEPS OUT,

HE GOES FROM SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE BOAT

TO SITTING ON THE BOTTOM OF THE POND.

AAH! AAH!

(laughs)

(dogs barking)

AAH!

I'M GOING TO GO DOWN THE STAIRS IN THIS BOX,

AND IT'S REALLY DANGEROUS, BUT WE DON'T GET KILLED.

(speaks indistinctly) READY?

SHE'LL BE ALL RIGHT IN THE BOX.

I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME FOR THAT VASE.

AAH!

(vase shatters)

(man) OH, MAN.

HUH.

USUALLY, YOU GET A DOG TRAINER.

(man chuckles)

(man) JUMP OFF THE DIVING BOARD.

NO. WAIT.

A RUNNING START--RUNNING START, FAST AS YOU CAN.

COME ON. I'M WAITING FOR YOU.

HAT, SHIRT, SHOES, WATER WINGS--

THIS KID JUST HAS TOO MUCH GOING ON.

OH! OH!

IN THREE, TWO...

MM-HMM.

(woman laughs)

(speaks indistinctly)

HOLD ON. I'M GETTING A GRIP.

HIS GRIP IS FINE. THE ROPE? NOT SO MUCH.

OH! (laughing)

AH.

(woman) JOSIAH, LOOK AT ME.

(sneezes)

AAH!

THAT'S DISGUSTING. (laughs)

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

PAY ATTENTION. PAY ATTENTION, BUT NOT FOR LONG.

AND NOW...

THIS HAS BEEN "SHORT ATTENTION"--

I'M SORRY. WHAT ARE WE DOING?

YOU MUST BE WONDERING HOW YOU COULD HAVE THE CHANCE TO WIN

THE DISNEYLAND RESORT VACATION TOM MENTIONED EARLIER.

WELL, IT'S ACTUALLY VERY SIMPLE.

JUST GO TO afv.com

AND ENTER THE FIRST "AFV" DREAM VACATION SWEEPSTAKES.

ONE ENTRY WILL BE CHOSEN AT RANDOM

TO WIN THIS INCREDIBLE VACATION PACKAGE.

ENTER THE SWEEPSTAKES, AND "AFV" COULD STAND

FOR "A FABULOUS VACATION."

♪♪♪

ALL RIGHT.

OH, I'VE GOT SOME MONEY BURNING A HOLE IN MY POCKET,

SO I GUESS I'D BETTER GIVE IT AWAY--

$10,000 FOR FIRST PLACE, $3,000 FOR SECOND PLACE,

AND $2,000 FOR THIRD.

BUT FIRST, WE GOTTA MEET OUR NOMINEES.

FIRST, A MAN TRYING TO MASTER THE MARTIAL ARTS

IN "FISTS OF FURY"

SENT IN BY ROCK PANTOJAN

FROM PISCATAWAY, NEW JERSEY.

THIS GUY NEEDS EITHER A BIGGER PAD

OR BETTER AIM.

(clang)

OH! (bleep).

THE NEXT VIDEO IN TONIGHT'S CONTEST

FEATURES A CANINE CLOSE-UP. IT'S...

"CINEMADOGRAPHER,"

SENT IN BY THE GLEASON FAMILY FROM DALLAS, TEXAS.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE THE SKATEBOARD FOR A RIDE.

HE WANTS TO TAKE THE CAMERA FOR A WALK.

NO! NO!

(thud)

NO!

(dog panting)

AND WHAT CAME FIRST-- THE CHICKEN OR THE LIGHTBULB?

IT'S OUR FINAL NOMINEE--

"HIGH-WATTAGE HEN"

SENT IN BY RACHEL JOHNSON

FROM EAST BETHEL, MINNESOTA.

(cooing)

(woman) WHAT YOU GOT UNDER THERE?

ONE EGG AND THREE LIGHTBULBS.

NICE.

(clucks)

(cheering)

OKAY, OUR AUDIENCE HAS SEEN THE THREE NOMINEES.

IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO VOTE NOW.

(beeping)

AND WHILE WE TALLY THE VOTES,

YOU CAN RELIVE TONIGHT'S SHOW WITH OUR VIDEO REMIX.

♪♪♪

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

WHOA!

(woman gasps)

WHOA!

(woman gasps)

AAH!

AAH!

♪♪♪

AAH!

(tape rewinds)

AAH!

AAH!

(screaming)

OH!

AND NOW THE RESULTS OF OUR VOTING.

OUR THIRD PLACE, $2,000 WINNER IS "FISTS OF FURY"

SENT IN BY ROCK PANTOJAN FROM PISCATAWAY, NEW JERSEY.

(drumroll)

AND THE WINNER OF THE $10,000

AND TONIGHT'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEO IS...

"CINEMADOGRAPHER"

SENT IN BY THE GLEASON FAMILY FROM DALLAS, TEXAS.

WE HAVE ALL THE GLEASONS HERE--

MOM JANE, DAD JAMES, LUKE, ISABELLA--

BUT IT IS REALLY HERSHEY THE DOG WE'VE COME TO TALK ABOUT.

TELL US THE STORY OF HERSHEY

AND THAT UNIQUE CAMERA STYLE.

SHE IS VERY TALENTED. SHE DIDN'T WANT TO SKATEBOARD,

BUT SHE WANTED TO FILM IT.

YEAH, AND REMARKABLY, THE WORST CAMERA WORK

FOR THE ENTIRE SHOW

HAS WON $10,000.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

WHOO!

AND... AND YOU GET TO COME BACK FOR THE $100,000 SHOW

LATER IN THE SEASON.

SO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT?

UH, I JUST--I'M REALLY EXCITED.

YOU ARE?

WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU, HERSHEY?

(sniffs)

(Luke and Jane laugh)

TH-THAT'S DOG FOR "IT'S ALL ME."

OH, YEAH. IT'S ALL HER.

GIVE IT UP FOR THE GLEASONS AND HERSHEY.

(cheering)

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL FOR NOW.

REMEMBER, THIS SEASON, IF YOU SEND US A VIDEO

AND IT AIRS ON THE SHOW,

WE WILL SEND YOU A STYLISH "AFV" T-SHIRT.

SO UPLOAD TO US, GET RICH, GET FAMOUS, GET CLOTHES.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

♪♪♪

The Description of America's Funniest Home Videos - Salute to Stupidity and Dog Park