- Hey guys, you are about to watch a compilation
of the best family sketches we've ever done on Studio C, so.
- Family. Isn't it about... time?
I just thought of that.
- Oh my gosh, Jason.
- I just came up with that.
- Just watch it.
James: Thank you, everyone, for joining us
for the 25th annual family Christmas Eve.
Now, every Christmas, we have added a new family tradition,
so we are quite excited about tonight.
- Oh, that reminds me: it's 7:15!
You know what that means!
Everyone take out your mistletoe
and kiss the person sitting next to you!
- Okay, don't mind if I do!
- Hey, uh, could we maybe
skip the mistletoe tradition this year?
- What did you say?
- I mean, this was cute like 20 years ago
when half of us were little kids,
but, I mean, we're full-grown adults now,
do you guys really feel comfortable
kissing extended family members?
- Don't question tradition!
Now, give your Aunt Margery some sugar!
- No. Ew, ew, ew, no.
- Why are you making this so awkward, Jason?
- I'm making things awkward?
What about Aunt Margery?
She's been staring at me creepily all night!
- Also a tradition.
- It is!
- Jason, you just have to learn
to accept things, like this!
- See how sweet that is?
- Uh, yeah, it would be sweet if they weren't second cousins
who suspiciously sit next to each other
every Christmas Eve!
- So, I suppose you would like it if we had no traditions!
- No, I'm just saying it would be nice
if we could consider cutting some of them.
- All right, I'm sorry Grandpa,
but Jason doesn't want you to read the Christmas story
- Oh. I understand.
I'd rather Jason be comfortable
than do the one thing a year that gives me joy and purpose.
- No, no, no, Grandpa,
you can read the Christmas story; that's a great tradition.
- That's the spirit.
Go ahead, Grandpa.
- Oh, I almost forgot tradition!
Stephen, come sit on Grandpa's lap.
- See, this is what I'm talking about.
We're not five anymore!
Full-grown adults should not be sitting on the elderly!
- Nonsense, it's tradition.
Adam, get on up here.
- No! The poor man is in agony, guys!
- No, these are tears of joy!
Come on, kids, there's plenty of room for everyone.
- Get ready for me!
Matt: 'Twas the night before--
Grandpa, oh my goodness, you guys, he's 97!
Get off of him! Get off!
Our stupid traditions killed Grandpa!
- He died the way he wanted.
Jason: I don't think his ideal death
was being smothered by 1000 pounds of human flesh.
- At least we were all by his side.
- You were all on his face!
- You know, I bet Grandpa would've survived
had Jason participated.
- Yeah! Jason's selfish pride broke his heart.
- No, your fat bodies broke his spleen!
- All right, you want to get rid of some traditions,
then we will forgo the giving of Christmas pajamas.
- Good! Those pajamas are ridiculous!
- And we will replace it with Christmas speedos!
- Okay, Max, I need you to put the game away.
Time for a Durphy family meeting!
So, how are things going, Max?
- Fine, I guess.
- That's great, sweetheart.
We wanted to do things a little differently
from our regular family meetings.
Today, we want to do a performance review.
- Okay. Sounds serious.
- Oh, no, it's just a formality.
Jason: All right, let us start with the report card.
- Oh, my. Is that--
- Uh huh, yeah.
Oh, I didn't even know it was possible to fail Study Hall.
- Mrs. Jones hates me.
- Yeah, and, uh, look at his performance at home.
- So that's how that got broken.
- Oh, using the family printer for personal reasons,
that's an infraction.
- Honey, I think we know what we need to do.
- Am I grounded or something?
- Oh, no, we're going to let you go.
- I'm sorry, what?
- This family is headed in a new direction,
and unfortunately, you're not going to be a part of it.
- I don't understand.
- When we birthed you into this family, we saw potential,
and you were really cute, so you had a lot of value.
- You were goal -oriented and on a trajectory to succeed.
I mean, right here you wrote,
"I want to be an astronaut when I grow up."
- I mean, we were so excited.
we sent out formal announcements at Christmastime.
Uh, where are ya on those goals?
- I guess I haven't been working toward that specifically.
- Yeah, you haven't really been working towards anything.
Uh, your cuteness--
Your cuteness has plateaued,
and your output has exponentially decreased.
- Yes, and in the most recent consumer reports
with the four grandparents,
you were ranked last in the favorite polls.
- What? I don't--
Who cares about them?
You guys still like me, right?
- Let's keep it professional Mr. Durphy.
- Mr. Durphy?
- Yeah, and it isn't just that;
I mean, the economy hasn't been so nice, either,
and you're growing.
There's no getting around that.
You've been eating more,
and that means it's been costing more.
- Plus, there are a lot of redundancies
in our organization,
and we just can't afford to pay you the increase in allowance
for the same amount of work your sister will do
for 3/4ths the salary!
- I mean, financially, it just doesn't make sense.
- It doesn't make sense.
- I could get a job!
- With your grades?
You really are stupid.
- What about the family memories?
The Christmas parties?
- Well, that's true, but as I recall it,
the last Christmas party you were rather unpleasant
and completely ignored your Aunt Susan.
- What-- She was trying to make me wear
that stupid sweater she made me!
- Hey, if there are any interpersonal conflicts,
you'll have to take that up with HR.
- You're HR!
- Well, I guess that's settled, then.
- Dad, who's going to go camping with you
and watch the sports games with you?
- Well, frankly, I've never really cared for those things.
It's just something we did to keep up morale.
Stephen: I can't--
- But, let's put it this way:
this is an opportunity for you to reinvent yourself,
so spread your wings and fly.
- I don't know what to say.
- Well, you don't need to say anything.
We are, however, prepared
to offer you some letters of recommendation.
There you go.
- You know, the Johnson family just had a kid move
off to college, so there's an opening there.
We'll put in a good word for you.
- And your 401K will kick in in about 50 years.
We've prepared a severance package consisting
of two months' allowance and an Xbox Live subscription.
- Your sister Jennifer will help you clean out your belongings.
- Guys, I'm like 15 years old!
- And that's the silver lining!
You have your whole life ahead of you.
- It was nice being your sister.
- Well, I guess this is goodbye.
- Goodbye, Mr. Durphy.
- Hey, in three months, you'll be glad this happened.
- I can't believe you fell for that!
- Oh, you mean none of that was true?
- Oh, no, dear.
- Oh, I'm glad everything's okay.
- Oh, no. Everything's not okay.
Your dog died.
- We just did this to soften the blow.
- I'm less sad than I thought I'd be.
- You're welcome!
Narrator: If you've ever wondered what life
on a farm is like, you're not alone.
Okay, maybe you're alone in life,
but other people wonder about farms is what I mean.
Well, then this story is for you.
Mr. Smith was a farmer, 'cause he liked having lots
of furry little friends and then killing them and eating them.
His wife, Mrs. Smith, had only an eighth grade education,
which wasn't much good,
since she didn't do grades 1 through 7,
but she owned her own pitchfork, so, yep.
The Smiths lived in Nebraska-- on purpose.
They also had two kids, not on purpose.
Johnny Smith was once a good boy,
but he became a teenager
and got into some weird stuff, like puberty.
Now, he and his friends hang out
behind the school squeaking their voices and doing acne.
Martha May was a girl.
Together, they all lived on the Smith farm,
which Grandpa Smith had bought.
Grandpa Smith died--
'cause that's also what "bought the farm" means.
But the farm life was a happy one,
and so things went, until one day--
[saloon piano plays]
Mr. Smith: Barnaby, you trying to steal my farm again?
- Not necessarily.
- Okay, come in.
Narrator: Barnaby and Mr. Smith had been brothers
ever since they were kids,
but when Mr. Smith turned farmer,
Barnaby became a pharmacist,
'cause he thought those were the same thing,
so Mr. Smith got the farm, much to Barnaby's chagrin.
Barnaby: Am I in time for supper?
- Indeed you are.
Martha May Smith, Johnny Smith, suppertime.
Narrator: Johnny didn't have a middle name,
'cause they couldn't afford one.
And if he did, he would've sold it
for deodorant money.
He had a problem.
- Uncle Barnaby, I can't shake the feeling
that you're trying to steal the farm!
- Maybe 'cause that's what he does literally every time.
Narrator: Said Martha May, the girl.
- Well, to make you all feel better,
let's drink a toast, except I ain't thirsty, so just you are.
Narrator: He poured from a special flask.
- All right, now, drink up.
[saloon piano continues]
Narrator: They tried to drink,
but the liquid had melted their cups.
- Time for plan B.
- What did you say?
- I said time for plan C.
- Oh, okay.
Narrator: After dinner, they all went to bed,
except Johnny snuck out back to shave his upper lip.
Grandpa Smith came to Mr. Smith in a dream.
- Beware your evil brother Barnaby!
- Because he's going to steal the farm, you nincompoop!
- This was news to Mr. Smith, just like it was every time.
- He wants to tear up the corn and plant prescription meds,
'cause he thinks a pharmacist is a farmer!
- Well, what do I do?
- Well, you make a bunch of hotcakes--
Narrator: Dream Grandpa died suddenly,
and Mr. Smith woke up in a cold sweat.
It was Mrs. Smith's sweat.
- Hey, sweetie.
Narrator: He couldn't help thinking
Barnaby was after the farm, or something.
He was nervous the whole morning,
nervous when he read the paper,
nervous when he cooked breakfast,
nervous when he signed away the deed to the land.
- Dang it!
[saloon piano begins]
- Papa, you done lost the farm!
We've been swindled!
- I'm- a take this farm and grow some prescription drugs,
Ritalin, Adderall, Benadryl, oh, I'll make a fortune.
- Farmers ain't supposed to make money!
- You get, brother.
'Bout time y'all left Nebraska.
Narrator: They loved Nebraska for lots of reasons.
Narrator: But the biggest one was bad judgment.
- Get that deed!
- No, sir!
Narrator: Barnaby started throwing rocks.
The first rock killed Grandpa again.
The second rock hit Johnny,
who was experimenting with growth spurts.
The third rock was actually the deed.
And so, the Smiths were saved by Deus Ex Machina,
and they lived happily every after.
Unless this video is popular on YouTube,
then they'll have more problems in a sequel.
- My dear family,
I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye on things,
but as I lie here at death's door,
all our differences seem so silly to me, now.
I want you to know that I love each of you very much.
- Dad, I don't know how to say this,
so I'll just say it:
Last year, when your credit card was stolen, it was me.
I took it to buy that Mercedes.
- I know.
I staged the whole thing, and now I have your confession.
I'm actually perfectly healthy!
This was my clever ruse to capture you in your lies!
- Clever, old man, but not clever enough, I'm afraid.
The joke, in fact, is on you.
You see, I am dying.
I've only been given six months to live.
I didn't want to say anything
until after we had mourned your passing,
but it seems that you find death to be nothing
but a tool to use for vengeance.
I hope you're happy.
- Matt, I don't know what to say.
Listen, when your Mercedes was stolen,
I was the one who took it.
- I needed to settle a debt with a man named Jose Delgado,
a powerful crime lord.
- Not as sorry as you will be.
- Oh, sister dear.
Only a fool would fall for the same con twice in a row.
- Well, I'm truly surprised, Matt.
You played me well.
Not that it matters, because I am dying.
- Oh, please, you can't possibly--
- This is my doctor, and a sworn affidavit
that states I will be dead within the month.
I've already had my tombstone engraved.
Whitney: You two should be ashamed of yourselves!
Pretending to be dying
when here my little girl is about to leave us?
Oh, Mallory, forgive me.
I was the one who put the bomb
in the trunk of the Mercedes which killed Jose Delgado.
It's my fault his family now seeks you for revenge.
- I knew it was you.
This man is actually a taco vender,
and this tombstone is made of candy.
Thank you, mother.
- It's as much as I deserve, not that it matters any more.
- Oh, here we go.
- I don't expect any of you to believe me,
not after all of this, but it doesn't change the fact
that I've been ill for some time.
I don't expect I'll live to see the next week.
- Mom, this isn't going to work; we're not idiots.
- I know you're not.
I raised such clever children.
- Knock it off, Mom.
- Just look at us all!
The stealing and the lies.
I let you down, didn't I?
I was never there for you enough.
- Honey, we're not buying this, right kids?
- I've been a poor excuse for a mother.
- Oh, Mom, it's not your fault.
- He's right.
If anyone's to blame here, it's me.
For twenty years,
I've been the right hand man of the Delgado family.
I've put this on all of us
because I wanted to take over the crime ring.
And now I have the proof.
Thank you, sweetheart.
- So, to be clear, no one is actually dying.
- No, I ran a marathon.
Okay, I suggest that we never speak of this night again.
If the Delgados hear any part of this story,
you know what will happen to each of us.
- [Mexican accent] I know exactly what will happen,
for I am Jose Delgado!
[audience cheering and laughing]
- Impossible! I thought you were dead!
- No, I am afraid I am very much alive,
but sadly, I only have a few more days to live.
Narrator: This story happens in a horrible place
where it's always Nebraska but never Christmas:
This is Mr. Smith.
It's his birthday, so he's sending out invitations,
and this is his son, Johnny.
It's also his birthday.
In fact, it's the whole family's birthday,
'cause the county hospital is open one day a year,
and you've gotta get the timing just right.
This is Mr. Smith's daughter, Martha May.
And his wife, Mrs. Smith.
She can't talk, because she was jinxed as a child.
- Who are you inviting to the party, Pa?
- My brothers.
- But Pa, they're evil!
- They always try to kill us and steal the farm!
- They are your kin, and it's their birthday, too!
- But Pa--
- Not one more word, Martha May!
You're in enough trouble already.
Narrator: Martha May had recently become a Democrat,
which broke her father's heart and Nebraskan law.
- Now, where was I?
- Greetings, brother.
We're here to--
Not kill you.
- Now, what'd I tell you?
Come on in!
Narrator: Mr. Smith's brothers had all tried
to become farmers, but missed.
So, they've all been jealous of him
ever since he got the farm, and the girl.
The only girl in Nebraska.
- Well, brother, we've just been dyin' to see you all.
- Yes, the wait has been killin' us!
- Now we're getting all choked up.
- We are going to murder you.
- I don't know that expression.
- So, brother, I understand
that your offspring has brought shame upon the farm,
mingling with liberals and what not.
- I bear no blame for that.
Martha May is only a Democrat
because Mrs. Smith and I carry the recessive gene.
- And 'cause times are a-changin'!
- Oh, hush. Nebraska ain't even got any Democrats on the ballot!
Narrator: But if there were, she would've voted for them
if she were old enough to vote, and women could vote.
- Well uh , we should all go wash up before eating.
[saloon piano plays]
- All right, boys, here's the plan:
I'll poison 'em with these pills.
- Then I'll hit them with my bat.
- And then, once they're dead, I'll sue them!
- Y'all need some ants?
- No one needs your ants.
Now it's settled, then.
Today, we kill them all and the farm will be ours.
-She's trying to say something!
- What is it, girl?
- I know! Text it to me!
Martha May was right!
Except about global warming.
Family, defend this farm.
Narrator: Mr. Smith had captured his three brothers.
The farm was secure.
- Martha May, your liberal cynicism saved our lives today.
- What do you intend to do with us?
- We don't want the farm, we just want the money!
- That's what this is all about?
Well, heck. You can have my subsidy checks.
I don't cash 'em,
'cause money takes all the fun out of farming.
Narrator: So, the Smiths lived happily ever after,
and the Smith brothers were once again rewarded
for bad behavior.
There were no lasting consequences whatsoever.
Jason: Oh, wow, this place is gorgeous!
- It is so much bigger than I thought it would be!
- Hey, we should take a family photo!
- Oh, good idea.
This is a good spot.
- Oh, excuse me, sir.
Jason: Would you mind taking a family photo?
- Ah, no problem.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
- Sure, sure.
- All right, come on, girls.
- All right, everyone say Cheese--
Burger on three!
One, two, three!
- Oh, I think you caught me saying burger,
kind of an ugly sound.
- Honey, it's fine.
- Do you mind taking one more photo?
- It's not that big of a deal!
- Look honey, I didn't travel all the way to London
to have a picture of me making
the most unflattering sound in the English language, okay?
- Sure, sure. Of course.
Okay, everyone, double cheeseburger!
All: Double cheesburger!
- Okay, I must have not made myself clear.
Could you choose a different word besides burger?
- Ah, ah. Let's try a few, then.
- Okay, all right.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- All right, everyone, say wart!
- Sweetheart, shut up.
- Try again.
- These are everyone's least favorite word!
- Oh, I've got it!
Everyone say ferdler-fer-her- mer-fig-newton-mer-pee!
- Okay. You are done, sir.
- Honey, just chill out.
- Why would you have us say that?
And why would you guys say that?
- He told us to!
- Oh, so if he jumps-- tells you to jump off a cliff,
are you going to say
- Honey, you are overreacting!
- All right, look, sir.
All you have to do is hold up the camera and push a button.
And all you guys have to do is sit there and smile--
Oh, actually, the fungal one turned out pretty good, so.
All right, sorry. Cheers.
- No problem.
- Son , could you come in here for a moment?
- Yeah , what's up?
- Have a seat.
Stacey, your mother and I know
that you've probably been wondering why you look different
from the rest of the family.
- Dad, Mom, I'm 18 years old.
I put it together a long time ago.
- Stacey, you're not adopted.
- I-- Wait, what?
I don't know if you guys are trying to spare my feelings
or whatever, but have you seen our family pictures?
I mean , stop trying to protect me.
- We're not.
We're telling you you're not adopted.
You were, however, switched at birth.
- When you were born,
there was a bit of a mix- up at the hospital, so--
- Did the doctor just give you the wrong baby?
- Not exactly. I was--
I was walking out of the hospital
and I bumped into this beautiful woman,
and we both dropped our babies.
We had a good laugh over that.
And, uh, when we picked you two back up,
we must have switched you.
- How did no one notice anything different?
- We only had daughters until you came along.
We were a little confused, but we figured,
"Well, he's a boy!
"He's not going to be just like his sisters.
Some things are going to be different."
- Not my skin color!
- I know this comes as a shock,
but if it makes you feel any better,
your biological mother reached out to us
as soon as she realized there'd been a mix-up.
- When did she realize it?
- This morning!
- What? How did no one put this together?
I put it together when I was four!
- Are you saying we're stupid?
- You make some fair points.
- Okay, okay. I did not expect the conversation to go this way,
but even though you're not my biological parents,
which should be obvious, you're still my mom and dad.
- Oh, Stacey-Pacey, we love you!
- Oh, that must be your biological parents!
- We invited them over for dinner.
- Uh, okay, what--
Natalie: Okay, guys, what do you want to do now?
That's the best part of Thanksgiving.
- No, let's do something!
Let's go around the room and say what we're grateful for!
- I would be grateful
if I didn't have to say what I was grateful for.
- Great, who wants to go next?
You tricked me?
- What have you done?
- I'll go.
I'm grateful to have such good friends
and that we can all be together for the holidays.
Whitney, why don't you go?
Let's go around the circle.
- Oh, uh, okay, um.
Well, I guess I'm really grateful
for my boyfriend, Adam.
He's really sweet, and I'm just the luckiest girl to have him.
- Well, I am grateful for the last Hunger Games movie!
Did not disappoint.
- That's a good one.
- Um, well I--
- Uh, Mal, wait a second!
I don't think Adam's done.
- Oh, yeah! How could I forget.
I'm also grateful
for Natalie's famous chocolate cream pie!
- So I guess I'm--
- He's not done, Mallory!
Whoa, cool it!
Adam, is there anything else
you would like to express gratitude for?
- Um, I am also grateful
for the big game today.
- You hate football.
- Yeah I know, I just couldn't think of anything else.
- You couldn't think of anything else?
- The, erm, dry erase markers?
- Adam, I think that Whitney is--
- Uh-uh-uh, no helping!
- Okay. How about I go again?
- I don't think that's allowed.
- Ahem. Adam, I am thankful for my sweet,
thoughtful, amazing boyfriend, Adam.
- Thank you.
- Now, what are you grateful for?
- I can't really talk with your hands like this.
- What are you grateful for, Adam?
- I'm grateful I'm not Adam.
- Oh, don't speak too quickly, Stephen.
Adam, my sweetest, my dearest, my love.
- I've already said six things.
- Then say a seventh, you lovely man, say it!
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay, it's just a brain fart.
- I am so, so thankful for Whitney's mom,
who made me this sweater.
- That's nice, that's nice.
- Um, where--
- We're over, Adam!
- Adam, go after her!
- Are you kidding me?
I've been trying
to get her to break up with me all year.
[audience laughs and groans]
So, I'm really grateful that this happened.
Hey, hope you're enjoying these family sketches!
- Yes, and guess what?
There's time to watch more family sketches.
Family, isn't it about... time?
- I'm so sorry.
- I just seamlessly worked that around.
- Hey, Mom.
- What is it, sweetie?
- I'm just working on a school project about family stories,
and I was wondering
if I could ask you a few questions.
Ah! First question is
how did you and dad feel the day I was born?
- Oh, that was a great day.
One of the happiest of our lives.
As soon as we came home from the orphanage with you
bundled in our arms.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Mom, did you just say orphanage?
- Oh, it's not what you think.
Your father and I were in the Peace Corps at the time,
volunteering at an orphanage,
and I went into labor and had you there!
- Wow. That's crazy!
- Well, as soon as we left,
we knew we had to treat you as our own.
- Okay, wait.
That sounds suspicious.
Was I not your own?
- Honey, you're not listening!
You didn't let me finish.
We had to treat you as our own daughter.
- Okay, how does that change anything?
- Because we thought we were going to have a son!
As soon as we got you, we knew we had to change our thinking.
- Okay, Mom, you've gotta speak a little more straightforwardly.
- Well, I'm being as straightforward as I know how!
Do you want help with your assignment?
- Yes, I'm sorry. Keep going.
- Well, as soon as we got home,
we immediately decided to thank your previous family--
- I had another family?
- Sweetie, you need to use your ears!
You're not listening!
- Yes, I am!
I am listening to the exact words you're saying!
- You know we're very religious!
We had to thank that family.
- Okay, just how did you and Dad feel when you brought me home?
- Oh well, it's difficult to put into words.
You know how Daddy Warbucks feels
when he finally gets Annie?
- When he adopted her?
- Or when Pharaoh got Moses?
- Also adopted.
- Or when nobody got Bruce Wayne?
- Mother, who may not be my mother!
It really sounds like you adopted me!
- We did!
- Okay, so you admit it!
- We adopted you into our lives!
- You are so confusing!
- I don't see why!
The word adopt has many meanings.
- Ugh, can we just finish this?
I need to reevaluate my life!
- Well, when we took you home, it was a hard transition,
since you didn't share our genes--
- For the love, Mom, I didn't share your genes?
- No, genes!
- We're saying the same word!
- Our jeans, like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!
- I didn't share your pants?
- Our jeans, yes.
Ever since your father and I saw that movie,
we always wanted to share a magical pair of jeans
with our entire family, but you were still too little for them.
- Okay, Mom, you are seriously freaking me out right now.
Am I, or am I not adopted?
- You are!
- In the trad--
In the traditional sense of the word!
- You're not!
- Oh, Mom, this almost makes me wish I were adopted!
- Well, you certainly don't share our jeans!
Forget it! Forget it.
- What? Honey!
- What was that all about?
- I was trying to find a way to tell her she was adopted.
- Into our lives?
- Of course!
Mallory: I bet that this is Grandma's!
Matt: I know, I know.
I can't wait to see.
Look what we found!
- Oh, oh my!
My old keepsake box!
Why, I've saved a hundred memories in this thing.
- Oh, you know what,
let me record this for posterity.
Okay, go ahead and just tell us all about it.
- Let me see here.
Here's an old ticket stub to the drive in picture show!
That was the first date your grandfather and I ever went on.
- No way!
Oh, and here is the key to our first apartment
as a married couple.
Oh, and lookie here!
Our first dollar.
From the first bank we ever robbed.
- Say again?
- Yes, those were the days.
We held up every bank west of the Mississippi!
Your grandfather, he carried the gun,
and I became pretty handy with a switchblade.
Now, careful, Mallory.
Now, you remember,
a lady is only as good as her stabbing implement!
Here we go.
I still got it!
- Well, that was a fun, if not unexpected story!
Why don't we move on!
What are these, Grandma?
- Mug shots!
Oh, yes, we were cornered down in Mexico,
and after three days of fighting and unspeakable carnage,
we gave ourselves up.
- How long were you in prison?
- Oh, not long.
They had to let us go on a technicality.
- But let me assure you, we were as guilty as they come.
- That's comforting.
- Yes, but we saw our freedom as a new lease on life,
so your grandfather and I decided to start a family.
- Okay, see, that's--
- A crime family.
- Yes, we ran the whole east side of Chicago,
and we trafficked all kinds of illegal goods, mm.
And the things we had to do to stay in power, hoo, hoo.
Let me tell ya.
Oh, there was this one time
I had a snitch tied up in the basement--
- Okay, Grandma, why don't we skip ahead to the part
where you and Grandpa completely changed
and became good law-abiding citizens.
- Ah, well, it all became too much for us,
all the violence, and all the blackmail,
and all the severed horse heads we put in peoples' beds.
It gets messy, so we went straight,
as they say, after a few short decades.
- We-- we're so proud of you.
- Yes, your grandfather, he became a schoolteacher
and I sold pies out of the house.
I know that's not as exciting as--
- Ah no, no, no, no.
- No, Grandma.
See, that's super sweet and picturesque.
Actually, when you tell people your history,
you really should just jump to that part, okay?
- Well, okay.
Well, thank you dears.
This has been quite a day.
- It has.
- Yes, I'm feeling kind of tuckered out.
I think I might go and take a nap.
Would you see
that my switchblade gets put back in the box?
- Yes, I will do that.
And I'll make sure this stuff gets put
somewhere safe and very deep.
- Sweet girl, sweet girl, Mallory.
Matt: Let us know if you need anything.
- Oh, yeah.
Maybe some Malt- O- Meal.
- Dom Capestroni.
- I've brought you the cash for the goods.
- I brought you the goods for the cash.
I'm just slowly--
- There's something wrong with that boy.
Well, give my love to your family, Dom.
- Sure will.
Thanks, Godmother, you're the best.
- Sweet boy.
- Affectionate nickname for husband asked in a question?
- Distracted affirmative answer.
- Question about whether or not
you completed a mundane task.
- Distracted affirmative answer.
Follow- up question about a small detail
of the task to prove that you actually completed the task.
- Sudden realization of what you are talking about.
Quick excuse about the small detail to hide
that I was both not paying attention
and did not do what you wanted.
- Accusing response.
- Defensive answer!
- Listing the times you've behaved this way before!
- Weak excuse!
- Explanation of all I do for you in a 24-hour period.
- Explanation of all I do for you in a 24-hour period.
Pausing moment where I realize I don't actually do that much.
- Escalating tone as I state my disbelief
that you did not complete the simple task from earlier.
- Raising my voice as I repeat my lame excuse
for not doing it!
- Telling you not to raise your voice
while raising mine as well!
Mallory: Calling for maternal parent!
- Ignoring my female offspring
and explaining how nagging you always are.
- Equally ignoring her as I gasp in disbelief.
Mallory: Yelling for paternal parent!
- Continuing to ignore her
and bringing up the fight from the summer of 2002
where it was decided that you were actually the one to blame.
Smugly inquiring if you recall said event.
- Reluctant acknowledgement.
- Sports reference, confirmation of points received.
- Frustrated grunt followed by a statement
about your brain capacity.
- Accidental agreement.
- Parental guardians?
Natalie and Matt: Frustrated and questioning response!
- Asking for permission to do something
you've already responded negatively to?
- Exasperated repetition of daughter's name.
- Focusing my pleading on my paternal parent
and changing my physical appearance
to remind him of when I was a little girl.
- Starting to side with my daughter.
- Negative response restating my disapproval from earlier.
- Statement about how differently
I will treat my own children someday
that will never actually be realized.
that you would take her side of the argument over mine!
Statement of finality explaining
I will not continue this discourse.
- Indifferent response.
- Beginning my brisk and dramatic exit.
- Request to stop exiting.
Question about dinner?
- Okay, guys.
Thank you so much for coming here tonight.
Paul and I really appreciate it.
- Michelle and I gathered you all here
because we have a very big announcement.
- You guys are getting a divorce, aren't you?
- No, why would we be smiling
if we're getting a divorce?
- Well, you complain about Paul a lot, so I just--
I figured you thought this was good news.
- No, okay--
- You complain about me to my mom?
- No, I don't!
I mean, what could I possibly complain about?
- His hair, his job--
- Rhetorical question, Janice.
- So, um, if you guys aren't getting a divorce,
what's the announcement?
- Well, Michelle and I--
- You're going to jail!
No, you murdered someone!
You killed the president?
- Troy, what are you doing?
- Sorry, I just wanted to guess before you told us.
- And you guessed assassination?
- I don't know.
You're always talking about how you want to kill Paul.
- How many people do you talk to about me?
- See I knew you guys were getting a divorce.
- No one is getting a divorce, Mom,
or going to jail for any reason!
- Guys, he's right.
Because we're going to have the best attorneys
in the business, right?
- I don't know, they could get Paul for perjury.
He's been lying since he was a kid!
You mean when I was four and said
that the dog drew on the wall?
- You see, Mom, he admitted it!
I've been telling my friends for years that our dog could draw.
I look like a fool!
- Okay , calm down, okay?
Paul doesn't lie, right Paul?
- Lie, son, lie.
- George, they are one screw-up away from getting a divorce!
- Come on!
We brought you here for a happy reason!
- You're getting married!
- We got married.
Five years ago.
You were all there!
- Oh, yeah. I'm not sure I was licensed at the time.
Are you saying we might not be married?
- Oh, good.
Then you won't need a divorce.
- No, no wait, no,
I can marry you anywhere 'cause I'm a boat captain.
- You own a canoe.
- Yeah, a canoe boat.
- Oh, I can't believe this.
- Okay, guys, please, just stay with us, alrght?
This is supposed to be a special moment for us,
so please stop shouting out all of your--
- You're moving to France?
- Is someone dying?
- Gambling addiction?
- You're getting married for reals this time!
- Oh my goodness, this is ridiculous.
- Well, since we're all just sitting around,
we actually have some news: we're expecting!
- We should probably get married again,
just to be sure.
Whitney: Okay, honey.
Here you go!
- I thought we weren't going to exchange presents
- I couldn't wait.
- As usual.
- Are you serious?
- This isn't a joke?
Are you happy?
- I want to go to Africa.
- You want to go to Africa?
- Well, no, not really, but now I can't!
Not with a kid.
- So, what, you don't want kids?
- A- ha!
- What "A-ha"?
- I knew you didn't want kids!
Every time I talked about it, you were always like,
"Oh, kids. Oh, well, whatever you like!
Oh, let's watch Lost on Netflix," but a-ha!
- Don't a-ha me!
- I knew you wanted kids, Miss "I don't know if I want kids,
"and also, I watch Lost without you
and then I rewatch it just to humor you!"
- So you did know that I wanted kids,
and that I already know the ending of Lost!
- A-ha! I knew you knew I knew you wanted kids and I don't!
- Well, let me tell you something you don't know.
- Oh, it better not be the ending of Lost.
- I'm not pregnant!
- You faked a pregnancy test?
I was really excited.
- You want kids?
The world needs more versions of me running around!
- Honey, I'm so sorry.
I don't want kids.
- A- ha!
- A- ha!
- [screaming] What is happening?
- I don't know!
I'm so lost.
- You wanna watch Lost?
- Yes! You wanna have kids?
- Yes, you?
- Now I wish I were pregnant.
- You are!
- I took your blood while you were sleeping!
- We need to communicate better.
- Let's finish Lost first.
Stephen: Almost done!
- It's beautiful!
Wow, this nursery is really coming together.
- Yeah, now all we need is a little baby to put in it.
- Oh, you're going to be such a good dad.
You're going to be so loving and fun.
I can just imagine you coming home from work
and popping your head in the kids' room
while they play with their friends from school.
- Oh, they're gonna have lots of friends.
- Yeah, and then you'll make one of those dad jokes
and say, "Better not be having too much fun in here!"
and then they'll roll their eyes and then they'll say,
"Dad, you're so weird."
- You're going to be such a great mom--
- And then I'll come in and say,
"Don't you talk to your father that way!"
- See you're going to be the funny one!
- And then they'll say--
- Some joke.
- "Dad was making a dumb joke,"
and I'll say, "Did I teach you disrespect?"
- And then you'll say,
"Relax, they're just being kids,"
and I'll say, "What do you know?
You're gone half the day at a dead-end job!"
- This is getting hurtful.
- And then you'll say, "I put bread on the table!"
- Do I talk like that?
- And then I'll say,
"Doesn't matter, because little Henry is gluten intolerant!"
- Why would you curse our son with that?
- And then there's a knock on the window,
and lo and behold, it's our nosy neighbor Mrs. Albright!
- And then she'll say,
"Getting a little noisy again, neighbors,"
and I'll say, "Don't even start, Cheryl,
" 'cause I have two mortgages, hips that won't stop growing,
"and don't think I've forgotten about our bidding war
for that black market Hungarian baby!"
- Have you been watching Lifetime movies again?
- I thought I could handle it.
- Oh, come here.
- Amanda and I just want to thank you all
for braving the snow
to come celebrate our wedding today.
- Cut the cake!
- Here we go.
- Sweetheart, did you remember to get a sugar-free cake, too?
- Oh, the bakery didn't make sugar-free cakes.
- Why would you do that?
- I didn't think it'd be a big deal!
He's a full-grown man, he hasn't had sugar for years!
- You know nothing!
Wait, don't eat the cake, Kyle!
- What's wrong, babe?
- What have I done?
- Blessed sugar!
My white granulated friends!
- Are you feeling okay?
- Isn't it so good?
I feel like I can do anything, like pay two mortgages,
work at a law firm, raise our family of six,
and be a spider monkey!
- Barbara, he's eating my face!
- It's okay, this has happened before!
Just play dead!
- Bringing a gift for my favorite--
Oh, not today.
Kyle, restrain yourself, or I'll be forced to take the--
- Where did you get that hat?
I thought we burned it years ago!
- That was a decoy!
I keep the real one in my sock!
I propose a toast!
Where does the term toast come from?
Should we all be raising slices of bread?
How do you drink toast?
If I could liquify toast and drink it,
I would say, "To the end of forever!"
- That was actually a really nice toast!
- Honey, we have to do something!
- Where's the getaway car?
- We have a horse-drawn sleigh!
- Even better!
When the horses break down,
we can use them as alternative sources of food!
- You're a monster!
- It's time for the first dance!
- Honey, we need to do something.
- I 'm sorry,
just this is the only time they'll have a first dance.
- Stay focused!
- Kyle, don't you dare lick that ice sculpture!
No! It's your wedding day, man!
You have a PhD!
My tastebuds are gone!
What dark magic is this?
[singing] Never-ending chocolate!
- Kyle, no!
It's too much, you may never come back!
-My life has led me to this moment!
- Not the fondue, Kyle!
- I feel so alive!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all, Reese's Pieces!
- Maybe Kyle and I would be better off adopting.
- Kyle was adopted.
- I was?
Cool, now I have two moms!
James: Hey, Matt.
Party's going pretty good.
- You kidding me?
It's my first guy-girl party
and no one's even talking to each other.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go.
Aubrey Parker's having a party, and she's, like, cool.
Natalie: Did someone say cool?
- Hey kids, we brought you some popular hip hop music!
- 'Cause we're the cool parents!
Both: Whoop, whoop!
- Mom, Dad, what are you wearing?
- We went to the mall!
- The girl who helped us had a nose ring!
- Why are you here?
- We heard your party wasn't going very well,
and we came to help.
- What? Where'd you hear that?
- Homeslice Mr. Allred here posted it on his Tweeter wall.
- Hashtag not a cool party, hashtag this guy,
hashtag why does their house smell so weird;
can they not find their cat?
- The hashtag is a pound sign!
Both: Whoop, whoop!
- Please just go upstairs!
- Not before we participate in some snapchatting!
Matt: That's not what that means!
- Hey kids, how's it going?
- Hi, did you hear Beyonce's with Jayz
and they have a blue baby?
- And Jimmy Fallon's eyebrows are on fleece!
- Oh, hun, you're so on the point.
- Cool parents!
Both: Whoop, whoop!
- Oh, will you take a picture of us for our instant gram?
- Let's make a duck face.
- It's the official time of death of my social life.
- Nailed it, hun.
- Thanks, babe.
Let's post it to my picture feed.
Oh, look at all the hearts I'm getting!
- Mom, that's not a picture of you,
that's my before picture from P90X!
- Oh, my bad, homes.
- I look so weak!
- Are you sure that's your before pic?
Please, please, just go.
- But, but we know all the latest celebrities!
- Jonathan Depp
- Ke-dollar sign-Ha!
- And Mr. Ryan Go-sling!
Hey, girl person!
- I know that me-me.
- Cool parents!
Both: Whoop whoop!
- Hey, kids, let's get some dancing going!
I've got the moves like Mr. Mick Jagger!
- Now watch her whip!
Now watch her neigh -neigh!
- No, Mom, Dad, that's enough!
You're making this party lame!
- Lame? But we're the--
- Cool parents?
Both [sadly]: Whoop, whoop?
- No! No whoops, alright?
You are not even remotely cool parents.
- All right. Hurtful.
But if you--
if you want us to go, then we'll go.
- Thank you.
- To Aubrey Parker's party!
- Who's with us?
We'll buy ice cream!
All: Whoop, whoop!
- Hey, Mrs. B, do the neigh-neigh!
- Okay, good job, mom!
I'm just going to take her for a second and get her cleaned up,
and we'll be right back!
Congrats, you guys!
- I can't believe we're parents!
- I know!
We get to keep her!
- Yeah, and--
Okay, can you imagine how cute it would be
if her and the boy across the street got together one day?
I mean, he's only six months older, it would be perfect!
- Oh, my goodness!
What if they got married?
- It'll end in divorce.
- Mom, why would you say a thing like that?
- I know you're excited planning her future right now,
but you need to be ready for reality, sweetheart.
- Carla, we invited you here for support.
- John, the reality is that that baby's divorce is inevitable!
The neighbor boy will stray.
- Okay, he's six months old.
- Yeah, and we just had our daughter 30 seconds ago.
Let us have this.
- Oh, she could be a doctor, or an astronaut--
- A sad trailer park lady?
A mother of three at 18?
- That is not what she will--
- A schizophrenic hobo who makes dolls out of her own teeth.
- Sweetie, you need to be ready for the world!
I know, I raised seven children.
- Carla, please.
- Listen, right now, she's a sweet little baby.
But soon, she'll be in elementary school.
- And she'll be sweet then, too.
I can just see her running around the playground,
chasing little boys--
- Yea, yeah. And when she throws a rock at one of them,
one of them, the retina will detach,
and he'll never see a playground again!
- Let's focus on the positive, please.
- You're right.
I've been too harsh.
I'm sure she'll turn out fine.
After her teenage years, and her 20s, and her 30s,
and most of her 40s.
- She'll end up in lady prison.
- Grandma, did I invite you here?
- You did.
- No, I didn't!
- What are you doing here?
- It's not until your babies get to their middle ages
like your mother here that they really start snapping.
Whatever's lurkin' in that baby's just waiting to come out,
and when she turns 50, bam, she's a killer clown!
Flying elephants up into her hot air balloon
and dropping them on unsuspecting wheelchair kids!
- Mom, you're senile!
- That is correct.
- That reminds me.
You better start putting anti-aging cream
on that baby right now,
because if she's anything like your Grandma,
she's going to age like a prune in a corpse's purse.
- Yeah, it's true.
- You're 89.
- How dare you!
- Mom, you are 89.
- Don't talk back to me!
- She talked back to you!
- You're evil, just like your dumb baby's gonna be.
- Okay, listen.
She's a baby!
She has a world of potential, good and bad.
- But we're good people.
I'm talking about me and John, here,
not you two creepos.
- So, chances are she'll be a good person, too.
- You're right.
- Okay, quick update for you, mom and dad.
Turns out your baby's a horrible person.
She bit off my finger.
I am pressing charges.
Hope she enjoys lady prison.
- My mother's in prison!
- Not anymore!
I'm taking this baby and going on the run!
- I can't believe it!
You watched the whole thing!
- The whole thing.
- Be sure to subscribe and comment on this video,
and, um, like our page.
- Yeah, you could comment something like,
I don't know, family.
Isn't it about... time?
- You don't have to comment that.
Comment whatever you want.
- But you should.
Or hashtag it!
Let's make this a thing.
Let's make it trend.
- Family, isn't it about... time?
- I don't--
- It's gonna trend.