I'm confused about myself. I'm confused about myself.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do anymore.
I thought I knew things. I thought I knew things. I thought I knew things.
and now I'm all confused. Now I'm all confused.
Breathe into my hand here.
I need to know who I am. I need to know who I am. I need to know who I am.
Keep saying that. I need to know who I am. I need to know who I am. I need to know who I am.
Into the belly.
I need to know who I am.
Okay, here's the problem: there is...what's happening is in order for you to know who you are, the energy has to be completely in your body, with the awareness.
What's happening here, up to here you need to know who you are. But here, there's fear.
From here down there's fear.
So how can you know who you are if you can't even go down into your feet?
Do you understand? So the fear needs to be looked at first.
You haven't really worked with that fear. It's almost like...
I'm afraid to work with the fear. I'm afraid of the fear.
It's like you don't even know what the fear is about. You know there's fear but you don't know what it is about.
It's like I'm afraid lose who I am, I'm afraid to not know myself.
It's deeper than that.
There is, there is, I would say that in your past life you've had an experience that scared you...it's almost like.
Or your ego wouldn't want to accept it.
What's the experience that we can have that the ego cannot accept?
Obviously, ego doesn't want to die. Right? So what will happen if ego dies?
I won't be anybody? Right!
So what's our greatest fear?
To not be anybody? Right! To be a nobody. The nothingness. Right?
Why are people afraid when they're dying? And they'd rather go into unconsciousness and die unconsciously?
Because suddenly you're disappearing into nothingness. It's the unknown. It's nothing. It's nothing there. It's the unknown.
But the paradox is, you are the unknown.
So you're afraid of the unknown yet you want to know it.
I want to know myself but I don't want to be a nobody.
But unless you prepare to be a nobody you cannot know yourself. The paradox.
But that's the thing, the fear, the fear the ego that's afraid to disappear. It's a real fear, it's like not an imaginary fear.
It's a real fear. You actually feel it, it's like, whoo I feel I'm disappearing now.
And it's like: I know I wanted to know who I am, that's great, but now it's happening...
and it's like, I don't know, wait a minute, wait a minute...
For now I have, I have work to do. I gotta enjoy myself here.
But then I'm so miserable.
Now this fear needs to be felt. You need to accept to be a nobody.
Lots of people come to this point and they shy away, then they run away.
They come to the point of, ooops, I'm becoming a nobody, and I don't want to, I don't want to be a nobody.
It's okay for you to be a nobody. But I don't want to be a nobody. Mada you can be as much
Mada you can be as much a nobody as you want.
Just give me what you've got, I'll be a somebody. You'll be a nobody.
I feel like I've been trying to be somebody else my whole life.
That's why I love that statement from you when you said I feel I'm becoming a man. I loved it.
Because that statement says, okay, I'm going to take responsibility.
Do you understand? It wasn't a silly statement. It was a great statement.
I didn't, didn't even understand the statement when I said it. I sort of felt it, but I didn't, I don't know.
Now you understand? Yes.
Good. Breathe here.
Good. I'm not going to postpone anymore. I'm not going to postpone anymore.
I'm not going to postpone being a nobody anymore. I'm not going to postpone being a nobody anymore.
So embracing the nobody. I am nobody. I embrace the nobody. I embrace the nobody. This is how I felt yesterday.
It feels good to be a nobody doesn't it? Ah, suddenly I'm relaxed.
Nothing to worry about, Nothing to fix.
There's this feeling, I felt yesterday, yesterday with Steph...
I actually had this breakthrough yesterday...
and then I turned and went inside and became a turtle all day.
and didn't want go into it anymore
because I was afraid of it, I was scared.
It's this feeling of being on the verge of laughing and crying at the same time.
So. Can't stop smiling when I feel like I'm just going to explode any second or something.
Because it's been a long journey and suddenly and it's like "Wow, I'm at the end of it,
and I don't know whether to laugh or to cry."
Because both are, both apply. It's like I'm crying something is kind of...it's like a crying
it's a crying with the joy. It's like a, it's, it's...It's not a sad crying it's like a...
"Where have I been all this time? What have I been doing?"