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Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week. I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Rhys James, Tiff Stevenson, and Ed Gamble,
Nish Kumar, Hugh Dennis, and Angela Barnes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We start tonight with a round called Picture Of The Week.
I show the panel a topical image, and ask them to tell me
what is happening. So, what's going on here?
Is this from an airline safety video
to tell you how not to put on an oxygen mask?
I think she looks so happy because she knows Africa is the one place
she definitely won't run into Boris Johnson.
My favourite thing is the person just to the right of her,
who is thinking, "How did they colonise us?"
Is she thinking,
"Just three more of these and I'll be able to have sex with Philip?"
She looks like...
She looks like she's about to do a rendition
of the Gloria Gaynor classic, I Won't Survive.
Is the special relationship now so bad
that that is her direct line to Donald Trump?
Is this Theresa May goes to Africa
to investigate a promising e-mail from a Nigerian Prince?
It's quite a bold move, to go to a country
where you played quite a big part in the slave trade,
and wear a chain on your wrist.
You do know Angela had no part in the slave trade?
Yeah, I didn't do it, it wasn't me!
Judging by everyone's reaction in the background, is this Theresa May
doing her stand-up routine in which she roasts blue hats?
Anyone know what it actually is?
Course we do, we're just being jokey!
How long have you been doing this show?
We have to dance our dance, you and I, Hugh.
Let us not act like we don't.
That is the current Prime Minister.
She's in Kenya, and she's doing a trade deal.
We're going to give them marmalade.
And they give us top class athletes.
Thank you very much, Hugh.
Yes, this is Prime Minister Theresa May
on a recent visit to Kenya.
This week, her so-called Chequers plan for Brexit,
which was agreed in July, has been attacked by her own MPs
and by the EU's chief negotiator, Michel Barnier.
Who was particularly scathing about May's Brexit plan?
Was it, by any chance, Boris Johnson?
By any crazy chance?
He's basically pushing to take Theresa May's job at this point.
So he can be PM. Who would see how difficult it is to be PM and go,
"Yeah, I want that job". It's like watching One Born Every Minute,
and immediately trying for a kid.
And also, why is he communicating with Theresa May
through Telegraph columns?
Has he not got a mobile phone?
Next week, is it going to be a column saying,
"Sorry I missed your call, Theresa, I was on the Tube"?
Two words for you, Angela.
# White people! #
That's how you guys love to chat. You can't ever explain your feelings
unless it's in the form of a Telegraph column.
If Nish was a little doll where you pull the string,
the catchphrase would be... # White people. #
It's a mess.
If the Conservatives were a family, they'd have a social worker by now.
Do you think if it was the Irish leaving the European Union,
it would be a much quicker thing? Cos you could do the Irish goodbye.
You just sort of leave without saying anything, and then just
text Michel Barnier saying, "Gone home, too pissed".
Dara's really offended.
I'm not offended, I'm intrigued. That's the Irish goodbye?
Have you not heard of that? No, we drag our shit out.
You say, "I'm going to the toilet,"
then you just get a cab without saying goodbye.
Weirdly, the Norwegians do do that.
They'll just turn round mid-sentence, and go.
No, no, no, they just didn't like you.
Like, that is a phrase I've heard,
the Irish goodbye is leaving quickly,
whereas now a British goodbye
is when you leave a party but you don't leave,
and instead you shit yourself, and then shower everyone.
That's always been a British goodbye.
This is your fault!
The British way of saying goodbye is you ANNOUNCE you're leaving,
and then, "Oh, they're still here, Jesus!"
The "exit" no longer makes sense in Brexit.
It should be called "Broverstaying our welcome".
The weird thing about him, though, is it doesn't matter how much...
Somebody keeps giving him more chances, though.
He's like Wile E Coyote. It's very strange!
He was the Foreign Secretary, and no-one, I think,
would say that he was a very good Foreign Secretary.
And so he left, and we went, "Fine, you're gone."
And then the Telegraph, like some weird regeneration point
in a video game...
IMITATES VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECT
..bumped his health back up again.
And he's back, like someone you cannot kill in Fortnite.
You are obsessed with Fortnite.
No, I will not stop playing Fortnite!
Don't tell me to stop playing Fortnite!
Trust me, if you've got Rhys telling you to grow up, that is worrying.
You said 30 minutes, and I have not had 30 minutes!
Do you want to know why Boris keeps getting chances again?
Pull my string, Hugh.
# White people! #
Was it Barnier was critical as well, though?
Barnier was, yes, yeah.
He said that we couldn't go round, British people couldn't go round
cherry picking what we wanted, and I thought, "That's ironic,
"because if we don't get a deal, that's exactly what we'll be doing".
Barnier, whose criticism is probably more salient in this situation
than Boris', also not happy.
We're not looking at the real important thing,
which they announced last week, is that if we don't secure a deal,
there's going to be a sperm shortage.
And that is...
Not in my house!
Not at Chequers either, there's plenty of wankers in there.
I think we should just go full in on Michel Barnier now,
and just show him what it's going to be like in post-Brexit Britain, and
only refer to him as Michael Barnes for the rest of the negotiations.
Mickey. Mickey Barnes. Mickey Barnes!
Mickey B! Mickey B!
Mickey B, get the pints in. Mickey B!
FRENCH ACCENT: "You have to take these negotiations more seriously."
"Oh, Mickey B, Mickey B, Mickey B!"
Yo, Mickey B, give us some sperm!
The deadline's quite soon, though.
It is coming up, yeah. Really?!
That is worth stressing. The deadline is pretty soon.
If university deadlines have taught me anything,
Theresa May is about to claim that her grandad died again.
It's just 10 weeks away, isn't it, the deadline?
If I was her, I'd stay in Africa and have a career as a dancer.
She looked like a Home Counties librarian
in a zumba class for the first time.
Shimmy your way out of messing up Brexit, love.
I don't think she was dancing to distract people from the mess.
"If I just dance, then they won't spot what's happening!
"Get the engine running, Philip!"
But Dara, you must admit it wasn't just people making fun of
an older person dancing. She's a really weird dancer.
She looked like one of the mops in Fantasia.
Look, look, listen, she was in Africa last week,
and many people commented on this.
OK, let's stop watching that now.
I love it! Yeah.
Hugh, do me a favour, you know what to do.
# White people! #
If she was just copying everything those kids were doing,
do you think we could get them to negotiate a trade deal?
I think she's in a bit of a no-win situation there,
because she danced, and everyone made fun of her bad dancing.
People would be really annoyed if she was good at dancing.
She should be running the country, not pulling off a flawless body pop!
The phrase is "dance like no-one's watching"
not "dance like a marionette puppet
"being controlled by someone being attacked by a wasp".
Moving on, why has Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn been under pressure?
He's been involved in anti-Semitism row.
Oh, God, really? Is that new?
I think it is unfair, you know, to expect Jeremy Corbyn to sort out
anti-Semitism or have a coherent strategy on Brexit,
because it is harvest time on his allotment.
And on top of all that, he's just caught his cock in his zip.
The funny thing about it is that, if you tweet anything about, you know,
critical of the way Labour has handled the anti-Semitism case,
and there is plenty to talk about with that,
they've really handled it poorly.
But if you tweet anything about it, you get people online replying
going, "Look, there's no problem with anti-Semitism.
"You've just bought into a conspiracy by the Rothschilds
"and George Soros." And you're like, "That is exactly..."
What you've basically just said there is,
"There's no problem with anti-Semitism,
"you've just been tricked by some lying Jews."
I don't see how... Can I just quickly say?
I would really appreciate it if no-one edited that out of context.
Follow that with you saying, "White people". White people!
It's a real shame when Hugh pulls the string on your back,
and in the edit, you go, "Lying Jew".
Do you remember when we were on here
talking about how boring and quaint Jeremy Corbyn was?
It's like someone has taken him aside and gone,
"Your image is a bit boring, maybe try and have a little bit of edge."
And he has just run with that to the end zone.
Like, "Jeremy, we sort of meant get a motorbike,
"not get embroiled in an anti-Semitism debate."
It's like a couple, isn't it?
Because Labour were looking like they were doing well,
they'd settled their differences, and it's like a new couple.
It's all going well,
and then suddenly he asks if he can wee on her feet.
Oh, that's what he's doing in the picture!
Angela, that was alarmingly specific.
Hey, we've all been there.
I tell you what, my feet are the softest in the business.
We really tackle the hard issues. Yeah, we do.
It is bizarre, though, cos it's been rolling along for months.
Surely this is not difficult to settle?
And it was only this week that they've actually taken on board
the level recommendations from the Holocaust Centre
that these are the definitions that they should go with.
And you go, "Wow, you've dragged this out.
"You know there is a whole thing, the rest of us are talking about
"Brexit while you're doing this mad whirl,"
and then the Tories have a problem with Muslims as well.
Apparently the Tories have a problem with Muslims. What...?
Are we going to find the SNP hate Rastafarians?
And the Lib Dems are bad on the Buddhists?
And the DUP...
Oh, wait, no, the DUP.
At the end of that, the points go to Angela, Hugh, and Nish.
Now we play a round called, Jewish You Hadn't Said That?
This game involves Angela and Rhys,
so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand-up challenge.
I'll launch the Wheel Of News, and wherever it chooses to stop,
one of our performance must step forward and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
And the first subject is exercise.
Well, I'm fairly new to the exercise game.
I tried it once a few years ago, I got myself a personal trainer.
I don't know if you've ever had one of those psychopaths in your life.
I knew it wasn't going to work out when the first thing she said to me
was, "So, Angela, tell me, what is your current exercise regime?"
If I had one of those, I wouldn't need you, love, would I?
Also, I don't like your use of the word "regime".
It makes it sound like my body's some sort of Communist state.
It isn't, it's just a state. Now sort it out.
Recently, I went to my first fitness class.
My friend took me to a fitness class.
I was very nervous going in, because I'm not a gym person,
and I thought it was going to be full of people,
pumped up gym bunnies, and I'd look out of place.
Then I walked in, and I was delighted to find it was full of
other overweight middle-aged women, and then three seconds later,
I thought, "Well, it don't work, then, does it?"
It's like going to AA and they're all pissed.
But I did it, and I loved it, and I love my fitness classes now.
I do two or three a week.
My favourite is one called body pump, which is brilliant.
It's a weightlifting class, but it's also very good for the core,
because you spend an hour trying to keep a fart in.
Recently, my boyfriend, he's an ultra-marathon runner, right?
We're very different.
And he said to me recently, "You should try running."
When I stopped laughing, he said,
"No, honestly, there's this app you can download.
"It's called Couch To 5K. It takes someone like you who's never
"run before, and it shoes you how you can run 5K in nine weeks."
And I was like, "You cheeky bastard, even I can run 5K in nine weeks."
Thank you very much, Angela!
That leaves us with Rhys. Let's see what your topic is.
And the topic is family.
There I am.
Really close, my family. Really close.
Growing up, my mum always used to say,
"If you masturbate too much, you'll go blind."
That's a weird thing to say to a child, isn't it?
That's what she used to say.
"If you masturbate too much, you'll go blind."
And then one week ago, she asked me to drive her
to get laser eye surgery.
Perfect. The other thing she'd say was, "If Dan jumped off a cliff, you'd do that as well, would you?"
And I said "Yes, Mum, what don't you understand about a suicide pact?"
My grandma as well, way too sassy at the moment,
way too sassy, my grandma.
She keeps banging on about how much better it was in her day.
Went to the cinema recently.
First time I'd been to the cinema since Orange Wednesdays collapsed.
Big day. Been saving up for a long time.
I thought, "You know what? I'm going to treat my grandma."
Because she's got Meerkat Movies, so it's still two for one.
And we went to see a film called Pride And Prejudice And Zombies.
I don't know if you've seen it, but if you haven't, you must.
Way to make a classic even more classic.
Perfect film to see with your grandma.
It combines popular things from different eras.
What's popular in 2018? Zombies.
What was popular in 1918? Pride, sure.
Prejudice, just a bit.
So it's marrying together our favourite parts.
She hated it, though, we left the cinema, she was whingeing,
"It was better in my day. Everything was so much better in my day".
Listen, we all know that's not true.
Does no-one else find that kind of rude?
To brag to me about a time period I will never get to experience
because I was not alive at the time.
I don't go and sit her down, look in her 84-year-old face and go,
"The future is going to be amazing."
"Robots bring us breakfast, and racism dies out."
Thank you very much. Well done, both of you.
Points go to Angela.
Our next round is called, If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
On the board are six categories.
Tiff, which category would you like?
Oh, er, can I have World News, please?
OK, your category's World News.
And the answer is 12 miles. What is the question?
Is that, "Under the terms of my restraining order,
"how close am I allowed to Ryan Gosling?"
Is it, "How far away from my house am I willing to say
"'Here's fine, thanks, mate,'
"when my taxi driver brings up immigration?"
Is it, "When Jeremy Corbyn says some of his close friends are Jewish,
"what does he mean by 'close'?"
Is it, "If you shave off all your pubes and lay them out end-to-end,
"how far must you remain from schools at all times?"
Also, what do you mean, "All your pubes"?
There are three, and they have names.
And they're Ed, Dara, and Hugh.
Trying to get the middle chair again.
It's the old captain of my pubes.
Is it, "The radius around Nigel Farage's house
"beyond which he considers you foreign"?
"How much of HS2 will ever be built?"
Is it, "If I put a pedometer on a teenage boy's wrist,
"how far will it say he's 'walked' in a day?"
Rhys? Don't look at me.
Oh, for God's sake!
I bought my grandparents a TV to watch this episode.
"If I bought all the things being offered to me in spam e-mails,
"how big would my dick be?"
"How deep would a Thai football team go for their coach?"
They were all fine!
How long is God's dick?
Does anyone have the correct answer?
Yes, it's a fishing question, isn't it?
It's, "How far off the French coast
"did British and French fishermen start fighting?"
Absolutely right. Thank you very much, Hugh.
Yes, the question I was looking for was,
"How far off the coast of France
"have French and British fishermen clashed?"
This is the news that a war over scallops has broken out
between fishermen from the two countries. What has happened?
It's being called the Scallop War,
which also sounds like the worst instalment in Call Of Duty.
Scallop War sounds like the sort of show Dara hosts.
Get your scallops ready!
When I first heard that the French were attacking us
because of scallops, I assumed we must be cooking them wrong.
It does sound like the poshest food fight ever, doesn't it?
Starts off as an Oyster Kerfuffle, moves onto a Langoustine Skirmish,
and ends up in a Scallop War.
If it's not quickly resolved,
there is going to be a small gap in Waitrose's seafood section
between crayfish tails and the langoustines.
I'm not prepared to put up with that.
You're very much a comedian of the people, aren't you, Hugh?
I don't think people realise
what a terrible hors d'oeuvres shortage this could lead to.
I'm not that upset, because I'm allergic to them.
To the French? Yeah!
I am violently sick when I have them,
so I literally can't keep them down.
It's like when I eat breakfast and then switch on Good Morning Britain.
As soon as I see Piers...
That would win us the Scallop War, we just put you on a boat,
and then you pop one in your mouth, and just spray the French.
The French boats were throwing stones, weren't they?
Throwing stones, that's a cheeky thing, isn't it?
Because where did they get the stones?!
And all the British fishermen could throw back were scallops!
They are trying to negotiate, but it's very difficult,
because each side thinks the other one is talking scallops.
That was a Carry On joke from 1964.
Is it sca-llops or sco-llops?
I think it's sco-llops, but then, I shop at Waitrose.
How did a Kuwaiti fishmonger get into trouble this week?
The Kuwaiti fishmonger has stuck googly eyes on his fish
so that they look fresher.
Yes. And by, "fresher," he presumably means,
"like they've just emerged from the bowels of hell".
This is how the fish appeared to...
They look like a wacky birthday card!
I know, but actually, if you tap the googly eye...
There's no news story that isn't improved
by putting googly eyes in there somewhere!
Nothing in the world isn't bettered...
Wanted posters - put googly eyes on it.
It doesn't work. I tried it after I ran over my niece's dog,
and she didn't fall for it.
I've not ever bought a fish because I got lost in its eyes.
It is supposed to be a sign of freshness, how the eyes deteriorate.
It's the equivalent of him going, "Ooh, it's such a fresh fish!
In other news,
which financial organisation ran into trouble recently?
This is presumably Wonga. It's Wonga.
But I do feel weird about describing Wonga as a financial organisation.
Just feels a bit like calling Greggs a patisserie.
It's a name that would sound ridiculous in the City.
It's not built to last,
like a good solid financial name, like Lehman, or AIG.
Or Northern Rock.
I feel sorry for them.
They'd already lost their chocolate factory.
Such a different version of that film.
Willy Wonga And The Chocolate Factory.
You find out, "I've found a golden ticket!
"Oh, I've got to repay this."
They're screwed, aren't they?
Basically, they've gone into administration.
If only they'd taken out some PPI.
To be fair, Wonga helped me buy my new car.
They did, because I put a 100 quid bet on them going under this year.
The reason they had the old people as the puppets is because they
wanted to make it seem like just your grandma lending you some money.
My grandma has never gone, "Here's a tenner, don't tell your mum."
And I've gone, "Why not?"
And she said, "Because if you don't give me 20 grand in a week,
"I'll break your fucking legs."
At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Tiff, and Rhys.
Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
I'll read out this week's topics,
and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is...
If Tony is 35, and Jane leaves him after a seven-year relationship,
why did she waste the best years of his life?
This is a picture of Napoleon Bonaparte.
Which part of Napoleon's boner is it?
What happens when you stand on an upturned plug?
If a bus leaves London at 7.00am, how far will it get
before Boris Johnson writes a lie on the side of it?
Please open your biology question books, where you will find an image
of the male sexual reproductive organ.
Mr Tyler keeps doing that. That's why we've had to let him go.
Why is Piers Morgan...?
If an apple a day keeps a normal doctor away,
how many apples would you have needed to defeat Harold Shipman?
Translate the following into German.
"Hello, I'm a British refugee. Please can I live in your country?"
If I mix two parts ethanol with one Whitney Houston CD,
will I get over my ex?
This is your PE practical exam. For 30 marks,
bully that little pale boy until he has to become a comedian.
Two, four, six, eight.
Who do we appreciate?
And that concludes your French oral.
Just pop your trousers up and I'll see you on Monday.
Identify the white powder.
Good, innit? 30 grand a kilo.
All right, you muppets!
If 8X minus Y equals 12, then what's 3X over 4Y?
I'm Danny Dyer and welcome to Britain's Hardest Exams!
How fresh is Dara, really?
What? What? What're you saying? What're you saying? What? What?
What is the value of pi
if you've just seen the bloke at Greggs pick it up off the floor?
If a train leaves a station and it's operated by Southern Rail...
So, you just turned 16, did you?
OK, the next topic is...
Yes, Piglet, I know you've been playing with Pooh in the woods
because you stink and it's all over your hands.
The brave little toaster's owner
was about to take him on his wildest adventure yet.
All the way to the brave little bath.
"Blbklkblblbklnyah-yee-eeow", said Pingu.
"Sorry," said his mother,
"what the fuck are you talking about?"
This is Blue Peter, and I think we can all agree
we should have taken him to hospital by now.
Oh, look, it's the Teletubbies,
or, as they're otherwise known, the fat family from Gogglebox.
Thomas the Tank Engine was happy.
He'd joined Thameslink and hadn't had to do anything for over a month.
It's the family with 11 fingers and 12 toes.
Yes, it's the Inbredibles!
So, it turns out Flowerpot Men is no longer politically correct
and it will be henceforth known as Bill and Ben, the Gays.
Buzz! Something's wrong with Woody!
I just keep pulling the string on his back and he keeps going...
# White people... #
"Up next, In the Night Garden."
"Can you stop calling it that? It really puts me off."
Kung Fu Panda, the least racist hero of all time,
as he is black AND white AND Asian.
ET send nudes.
Look, Bagpuss has been updated.
Now he's Dyson Bagless Puss.
"But, Quasimodo, what makes you think
"you need to see a back doctor?"
"Uh, I have a hunch."
Harry Potter, I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is I'm pregnant.
The good news is I've learned the abortus spell!
That won't go in. That definitely won't go in.
No, I'm Willy Wonga.
10 grand or I'll take your piano.
"Robin, do you know if Alfred has a charger for an iPhone 8?"
The Adventures of Low Battman.
What is Peter Rabbit doing in the garden?
Mummy was sure she'd left him in her bedroom drawer!
SpongeBob went to the Krab Shack and met up with all his spongy mates
and they could all agree
that Contraceptive Sponge had had the worst day.
This week on Paw Patrol, Rocky gets hit by a car
and the driver has to finish him off with a rolled-up A to Z.
At the end of that round, the points go to Angela, Hugh and Nish.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Rhys James, Tiff Stevenson and Ed Gamble.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Commiserations to Nish Kumar, Hugh Dennis and Angela Barnes.
Thank you for watching. I'm Dara O Briain. Goodnight.