Arin: Hey, I'm grump!
Dan: I'm not-so-grump!
Both: And we're the Game Grumps!
Arin: (singing) My asshole bleeds; bleeds everyday.
Arin: Because it's wide open from getting fucked in the ass. Yeah yeah.
[Dan laughs quietly]
Arin: (singing) I only accept
Arin: Large penises, because they're the only thing that can stimulate my prostate.
Arin: (singing) Hoo hoo, hoo.
Dan: That's like the world's worst Jamiroquai song.
Arin: (singing) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's bleeding constantly.
Dan: Oh, God!
Arin: (singing) I have to cure it, then!
Dan: Aw, did we start the episode?! Is this in the episode?!
Dan: Okay... Alright, we're here. Hello!
Dan: Welcome back to Game Grumps.
Arin: (singing) I'll never be satiated
Dan: (singing) I desperately want dick.
Dan: Oh, uh...
Arin: It's all coming back to me...
Dan: I love dick.
Arin: April, May, June...
Dan: All good months for dick.
Arin: My three girlfriends.
Dan: Oh yeah.
Arin: Ow! [Arin laughs]
Dan: Yeah, and girls have the name January?
Arin: (slurred) And then...
Dan: No, I think we're out. Oh, August!
Dan: August is one.
Arin: And everything after.
Dan: Not everything after. I've never met a girl named September.
Arin: Welp, you haven't met my daughter.
Arin: Cause that's my first plan for a name, yeah.
Arin: (drawn-out) Jenny September Johnson.
Arin: Didn't I already fight this fuck?!
Arin: Did I just like go to a level I've already been to or...
Dan: I think maybe that's what happened.
Arin: But I don't want to...
Arin: This was at the end of a level, wasn't it?
Dan: Yeah, maybe you gotta do it again.
Arin: But I don't want to.
Arin: Why would I want to do this again? I died.
Dan: Good job. Wow, yeah, why would you want to do it again? It's so beneath you.
Arin: I'm gonna go ahead and quit.
Arin: (sarcastic yelling) Well I've already done it! It's not something [unintelligable]
Dan: Go to the Sacred Shrine.
Arin: It's not a Sacred Shrine!
Arin: It's just a place on top of a hill that I go to to go to levels every so often!
Dan: And it's sacred.
Arin: What's so sacred about it, Dan, if a fucking blue hedgehog can walk in with his amnesiac friend?
Arin: Tell me this! Riddle me this! What's so sacred about it if nobody's in here a-prayin'?
(In-game audio) That door's glowing, Sonic! Maybe that means it'll open now! Let's go see!
Arin: Why didn't you say that last time, you fucking freak?!
Arin: You fucking one-inch freak!
Arin: I could put you on a shelf! Stuff you full of resin!
Arin: Uh-oh! I'm a werehog again! It was completely un-
Arin: Why did I change back into a regular hedgehog?
Dan: Are you getting... Are you controlling that?
Dan: Oh, it just happens?
Arin: Look at how fucking pretty I am. Oh!
Dan: Are you sure? Oh!
Dan: It's when you cross that threshold.
Dan: We've got it, Arin.
Arin: Hold on. I wanna try this... I just like kinda float.
Dan: Oh my goodness... Oh my goodness...
Arin: Alright. Anyway, I just like exploiting bugs in Sonic games.
Dan: In all Sonic games, yeah.
Arin: They have 'em! Every one does.
Dan: Every gamer or every Sonic game?
Arin: Every Sonic game.
Arin: Get the hang of jumping in werehog form.
Arin: Did it.
Dan: Seems like you got the hang of it!
(Arin make high-pitched jumping noises)
[Arin makes more high-pitch jumping noises]
Arin: Why? Why? Why?
(In-game voice) Move the Control Stick rapidly in the same direction twice to do a dash!
Arin: Okay. Look at me.
Arin: This doesn't seem like the kind of music that should be playing...
Dan: Do a dash, Arin!
Arin: I'm doing it!
Dan: Yeah, no, I'm just kidding.
Dan: Yeah, this is like Café del mar, like, one of those really chill, like um...
Dan: Ministry of Sound stuff.
Arin: Groove Armada?
Dan: Yeah, yeah, well that's a band. I'm just talking about the compilations.
Arin: Yeah, Groove Armada made a compilation called...
Dan: Groove Armada...
Arin: God-dammit, what's it called? Back to Mine
Dan: Back to Mime?
Arin: Mine. I think that's what it's called.
Dan: Sounds lovely.
Arin: It's what Sound of Music is from by Dalton.
Dan: No, that's from Broadway.
Arin: No, not that Sound of Music. It's like...
Arin: (singing) The sound of music makes me feel like dancin'.
Dan: That sound's like the Broadway version.
Dan: (singing) The hills are alive with the sound of music.
Dan: Yeah, I said the Broadway version.
Arin: (singing) The sound of music makes me feel alright. The sound of music.
(Arin makes guitar noises)
Arin: (singing) The sound of music!
Arin: You've never heard that song?
(Arin continues singing, but becomes hard to understand.)
Arin: (still singing) Deep inside I feel the music!
Dan: This has been a really singing-centric episode of Game Grumps.
Arin: (singing) Deep inside!
[Both Dan and Arin laugh]
Dan: You gotta put the fingers in your ears and close your eyes.
Arin: What do they call that? Do they call that fucking-
Arin: Dumbass shit?
Dan: Yeah, it's one of my least favorite things.
Arin: I know. I remember that was like one of the first things I learned about you.
Arin: You were just like "I hate that shit. I hate it so much."
Dan: Yeah, I don't mean to come down on anyone who sings like that, but it's just...
Arin: That was really popular in like the late nineties, right? Brittany Spears era.
Arin: (laughing) Elysium?
Arin: The 2013 movie starring Matt Damon? Elysium?
Dan: Yeah, I think, um... I can't remember if we've talked about this, or if we're allowed to.
Dan: We're probably allowed to. It's not really saying anything.
Dan: The director of our YouTube Red show, Danny, he, for some reason,
Dan: Elysium, that move just really cracks him up, so he wanted to create a world in our show
Dan: where, like, our show basically takes place in a world that's exactly like this show. I mean, exactly like this world except, uh...
Dan: Elysium was a gigantic Star Wars-esque hit.
Arin: Which I'm so on board for!
Dan: So we have a ton of alternate takes of various scenes...
Arin: Which I'm assuming they're not going to get used,
Dan: I'm sure none of them will. But it'll just, like... we'll say all the normal lines of the scene you'll be like,
Dan: "Dude. I just watched Elysium last night." And I'd be like, "Again?"
[Both of them laugh]
Dan: Wow! Your arms are crazy!
Arin: Well, I'm sorry, Dan!
Dan: No, it was a compliment...
Arin: Do you want me to make them normal for you?!
Dan: I was just saying it's impressive.
Arin: What am I doing here? Is that what I was doing?
Arin: You can climb the up and down the poles if you listen to the music and jive along!
Arin: Isn't "jive" a bad word? Isn't it like "You jive-ass turkey."
Dan: Uh, it can mean a lot of things. It can mean "grooving." It can mean, uh, "lame."
Arin: This is horrible.
Dan: What? Trying to get over?
Arin: Dan, this is a horrible.
Arin: Woo-hoo? I forgot who told me to play the Wii version. I think it was Jory.
Dan: Why? Cause it's so difficult?
Arin: Yeah, because, "You should play Sonic Unleashed." And I'm like, "Cool. Let's do it."
And I'm like, "What version should we play?" and he's like, "THE WII VERSION."
Dan: "There will be no further discussion."
Arin: I'm like, "Cool, alright,"
Arin: It's, uh, it's currently my favorite version. I'm sure there's not a single
Arin: Let's Play of people playing the Wii version because it's just too good!
Arin: It would make their commentary look bad in comparison with how good the game is.
Dan: It's a legit problem
Arin: Hold on. Hold on. Hold on...
Arin: You hear it like burling up my neck?
Dan: Ew! Yes! Ew!
Dan: What have you eaten- Oh, God!
Dan: It's terrible in here now!
Arin: I had Shake Shack. I told you when I was calling out Wendy's name.
Dan: Oh, that's right. That's right.
Arin: Motion controls! Yes!
Dan: Ugh, it smells terrible.
Arin: Yes! Eat my werefists!
Arin; Oh, yes! This is the hardcore, fast hitting gameplay I was looking for!
Arin: Hold on. What description does the game box use?
Arin: It's gotta be... Yeah, it's right there.
Arin: I want to read Verbatim how they decided to make this exciting in word-form.
Dan: (reading) The difference is night and day.
Dan: Go faster than ever before with new high-speed maneuvers.
Dan: Transform after dark with powerful combat skills powerful combat skills.
Arin: Powerful combat skills.
Dan: Race around the world and explore challenging locations.
Arin: (laughing) Challenging locations?
Dan: Boy, that's not... They're not even selling it that well on their own box.
Arin: (sarcastically) These are some challenging locations.
Arin: Yeah, cool. That's where I wanna go when I go on vacations.
Dan: A challenging location?
Arin: "Hey, Suzy, I wanna go on vacation. Where should we go? Should we go to like Hawaii?"
Arin: "Like, chill out on the beach?"
Arin: "No, I wanna try some challenging locations."
Dan: Like the fire pits of antiquity.
Arin: I wanna go to Apotos.
Dan: And punch werewolves.
Arin: and meet an amnesiac tiny beast who eats ice cream.
Dan: It looks like you're murdering, like, really intense versions of Lilo and Stitch.
Arin: (mumbling) Can't catch me
[Both of them laugh]
Arin: (mumbling) You can't catch me! You're too slow! You're too slow!
Dan: Oh my God, Arin...
(Arin baby-talks the enemies)
Dan: You're too mature for this game.
Dan: Arin, please kill them.
Arin: What? I don't want to.
Dan: You're running out of time!
Arin: No I'm not!
[Dan makes an alarm noise]
Dan: Time depleted.
Arin: (In a Sonic voice) I'm running out of time!
Arin: (Sonic voice) Oh no!
Arin: Aw, I died. How could I have failed?
Dan: Jesus, I don't know.
Arin: I was having too much fun. This game doesn't want fun.
Arin: It wants hardship and challenge, and challenging locations.
Dan: I'm sorry, where do you think you are right now? Did you think for one second that you're not in one challenging-ass location? You're sorley mistaken, my friend.
Arin: How do I get... oh.
Dan: How are we still in the tutorial? It's episode five already!
Arin: Can't get my box! Can't get my box!
Dan: Oh my God, Arin, please kill them, or I will kill you.
Arin: He's like, "Where'd he go? Where'd the box go? There he is!"
Arin: Aw, whoops. Oh well, I picked up the box, though.
Dan: Oh my God.
Arin: I could just go over here. See ya.
Arin: Oh, I have to get rid of the... God fucking... alright! Just die! For Christmas sake!
Dan: Oh boy...
Arin: And swing the Wiimote. There we go. Oh, that kills them instantly
Dan: Great! It's almost as if they wanted to create something that could teach you that.
[Both of them laugh]
Dan: Jesus Christ!
Arin: *punch sound* Here's your present from Santa!
Arin: You can't get my box! You can't get my box!
Dan: Wow. Outstanding.
Arin: I cleared the mission, Dan.
Dan: So well done. Next time on Game Grumps! This party continues!
Arin: I'm gonna play more fucking Sonic, yo.
Dan: I'm actually kinda into it.
Arin: Sonic, y'all. Playing Sonic, y'all. Playing Sonic, y'all.
Dan: It's still level one and it feels like we've been playing for a thousand hours already.
Arin: (rapping) Playing Sonic, y'all! Playing Sonic, y'all! Back to basics! B-b-back to basics!
Dan: biggitybiggitybiggitybiggitybiggitybiggitybiggitybiggity Back to basic! B-b-Back to basics!
Arin: Piggy piggy piggy back to b-back to back to piggy back back back piggy back to basics!