Today I'd like to show you someone who I hold near and dear to my heart.
This is Dr. Phil.
Phil: Shut the hell up-
and most importantly, the bullier of children!
Phil: Ｇ Ｅ Ｔ Ａ Ｊ Ｏ Ｂ ！
Also, did you know that Dr. Phil was a rock star?
(pyro laughing at what I can say)
Pyrocynical subscribers be like: Where's Petscop?
It's coming, okay?!
Pyrocynical, can you stoop lower than bullying children?
Yes I can.
By watching old men bully children!
Phil: You're ugly.
I'm gonna kill you.
Now, I can't bully children anymore because of the YouTube community guidelines.
So I'm gonna bully children in proxy by having Dr. Phil do it for me.
Now these Dr.Phil videos seem to do quite well,
you got a collection of YouTubers, they just react to it, (distant dolphin laugh)
not really giving much insight, occasionally laughing.
But I will be going in depth. I have been studying. Dr. Phil for a very long time.
My brain is now glowing with the wealth of k n o w l e d g e that Dr.Phil has given me.
What a great title.
It's almost as good as CAR SEX. Not quite though.
Spoiled girl: I have exactly 17 credit cards and I'm $25300 in debt.
I just like going out and being able to buy what I want.
It makes me happy.
Pyro: Why would you have seventeen credit cards?
a r e y o u d u m b , k i d ?
And also, she's talking about having a night out.
Who has a night out in 2018?
I know you don't, and neither do I.
All you do, is boot up a nice game of
and have a session with the boys.
That is all you need. You don't need clubbing, you don't- you don't need a partner,
Phil: Well, Joey says her spoiled entitled 19yo daughter Cherylin has blown 130 grand.
130 thousand dollars and going- (I can't understand what he's saying)
Pyro: Yes, my girl.
I would love to blow 130 grand of my parents' money.
Y E S .
Yes, I congratulate her, f-(oof) you. Dr. Phil, pussy!
Oh my god! Is that-?
Is that Dwayne Johnson??
Guys! I just found Dwayne Johnson!
What's that Dwayne? Did- did you want to say something to me?
The government is a lie?
We're currently inside the matrix?
Your wife left- ...?
It's meant to look like Dwayne Johnson, but it looks like every man from -game- ever
Phil: But Cherylin says it's not her fault,
because her lazy, moody, and mean mother raised her to be that way.
This is what happened when Rosie-
BUT HE'S A BITCH!!!
I'll - - him! I'll - - him! I'll fucking-
(Destroys the camera)
Pyro: Dwayne- Dwayne take your medication, Dwayne shush, It's okay.
I just curb stomped him.
Girl entering: Hi Cherylin!
Cherylin: How are you doing today?
Other girl: I heard you like to shop
Pyro: -Deep inhale- I HEARD YOU LIKE TO SHOP
YOU ALSO LIKE WATER?
I LOVE WATER
Oh it's all over my- fuck
I mean, what did you expect for real? It's nice shirt, man.
I'm keeping it on I don't care. I don't care at this point.
Girl: You think that you're spoiled?
Cherylin: I think I'm spoiled.
Girl: Do you blame your mom for that?
Cherylin: I mean I blame her, 'cause growing up,
I didn't have to do anything, didn't have to clean my room. didn't have to do my laundry,
I didn't have any chores. I was never disciplined.
Girl: do you appreciate any of the sacrif- Pyro: look,
Parent upbringing is so important. I game ended five people in Minecraft and I still came out okay.
I don't see the problem here.
Phil: So you have no ownership in any of this?
Cherylin: I didn't steal her identity. She gave me her social.
It's like if you got the pirates from Far Cry 3 and you got arrested,
like: what's all these passports doing here?
I do not knoww
My mother gave it to mee
Phil: You have 17 credit cards and you said you just throw the bills away when they come in?
Phil: That's theft!
Pyro: You- you shot someone with that revolver?
(dumbass voice): yes I did
Phil: What makes you think you're entitled to use somebody else's money?
Cherylin: Why not?
Phil: So, you're just a criminal they haven't caught yet.
Cherylin: I guess.
Phil: Okay, well, that's nice because you're on national television right now and you're confessing.
Cherylin: what's up yallll!!!!!!!
(and the crowd is actually cheering)
Pyro: "wasup yalll! I'm about to be thrown in prison"
"What's up yalll, I'm about to be on Orange is the new Black"
"what's up yalll!"
She's got very white teeth.
I'll give her that she's got white teeth.
Phil: And you say she's playing the victim because she let you get away with this right?
Cherylin: She's crying right now for no reason.
Phil: So you'd shove a fish sandwich in your mother's mouth?
Cherylin: . I mean, I threw a pizza at her too...
Pyro: Yes! Yes! That's right!
Like, I swear half the jokes I'm making this video, people are actually gonna carry out in real life.
And then it's gonna be put back to me,
And then I'm gonna get interviewed by BBC, and then I'm gonna get thrown in jail!
Cherylin: It's 'cause I ate faster.
Phil: It's 'eating', not 'ate'. Did you sell your fifth grade grammar book?
Pyro in weird country accent: I'm Dr. Phil. I'm gonna make a statement like this, and just...
We've got this thing, Jeremy Carl in the UK. I don't know if you heard of it.
Basically, he could say the worst quip ever, just totally unfunny, but 'cause the audience have a
Metaphorical Gun pointed to their head, they have to laugh.
(cocks gun) Metaphorical Gun pointed to their head, they have to laugh.
Metaphorical Gun pointed to their head, they have to laugh.
(Minecraft music over unfunny Jeremy Carl dialogue)
(generic laughing track)
Phil: Why do you think you did that? Cherylin: because I can, I could
Now, I can go get a job and I can pay all this off
It's not that much (It's 24,979 dollars, which is 18,990 pounds that she is talking about)
Pyro: Yeah, let me just- let me just get a job as a GPE with a doctorate and you know,
like one grand a day. Let me be a surgeon. It's cool. I'll pay it off.
Phil: But if you had a second chance, you would do better?
Cherylin: Probably, yes.
Phil: When they bought you a Ford Focus, why was that not okay?
Cherylin: It was ugly.
Phil: It was a gift.
Pyro: Just- I want a zoom in of his face, just that, the look of disgust there.
i t w a s a g i f t
Pyro with unfunny voice: It looked disgusting! It wasn't Thanos car!
shUt uP aBout tHat
Who said that?!
WHO said that about Thanos Car!?
Sorry, someone- someone was just talking about Thanos car.
Phil: If I give you this check to hit the reset button and start over...
Cherylin: I'd go to school.
Phil: You would go school.
Phil: That would get you out of debt. Pyro: Now the fact that she won't cash that in
for ROBUX just shows that she is a lost cause.
I DON'T WANNA WATCH THE VIDEO ANYMORE.
Next girl to bully, next girl!
Women expecting money? DI SG US TING
Mum: Nicholette turns 16 next month.
She's dead set on me giving her a car.
Nicholette: -See my G-Wagon.
It's pretty normal for people to get nice cars. I want one.
Mum: If I got it a nice-
Pyro: I wish I had a car.. -WHEEZE-
It's all these people like: "I wish I had a Tesla. Wish I had a Ferrari."
I wish- wish I had a fucking car, dude.
I'd just buy a tuk-tuk.
Mum: She's that much of a snob.
I want a Mercedes-Benz G-Wagon, matte black, AMG package...
Pyro triggered: I WISH I HAD A cAr!1q!
Him mocking her: Can I have a Mercedes-Benz, matte black, gloss on the inside, leather seats from real cows...
Also, a gold print on the finish, and a license plate that's been personalized.
Pyro: Can I have a job? huhuhuh
Mum: -Toyota or Honda, she would never set foot in it. She's that much of a snob.
Nicholette: I want a Mercedes-Benz G-Wagon, matte black, AMG Package...
Pyro: The f(OOF) is tha- AMG Packa- ?
(don't worry pryo i gotchu fam) Pyro: The f(OOF) is tha- AMG Packa- ?
I don't know anything about car- I don't know what that- SHUT UP. ShUT uP.
..Chanel's very special.
Pyro: That's-that's the saddest thing I've heard all week.
Nicholette: Turning it on.!
(revs of an angry V12 engine)
The car even shakes when you do that..
Pyro: The car shakes when you rev the engine...
I'm really happy that she's like, understood the concept of motion and friction. That is..
ThAT- Can we give her a round of applause- she understands how f(OOF)ng physics work!
ANd thAT'S whAT tHIS is ALl AbOUt
Nicholette: My favorite part are the doors,
because they're just huge and then they have this design right here.
I like the red and black a lot. Now I'm thinking that I really need-
Pyro: ME. That's me. Me when I get my cross-country Rover AMG,
with f(OOF)ng sunroof. That is me.
Also, alternatively, me when I get a skin on 🆎ortnite.
Nicholette: What's the price of this? Like, around..?
I need that.
Pyro: You don't need it. You don't need it!
This is why I never bought a car.
Why's that s(OOF)t so expensive, man?
Like, for real, like- just take public transport!
It's been doing me fine for years.
You want to get a car because you need to travel, that's fine. You know what this is again?
W H I T E P E O P L E
Nicholette: Because I can have it. I want the G-Wagon more than ever now.
I'm not even joking.
The exact G-Wagon I want is $231k. I'm a princess. I'm definitely worth the price tag.
someone says they're a princess, they are instantly not a princess.
I- I also do remember in uuh...
Ｃ Ｉ Ｎ Ｄ Ｅ Ｒ Ｅ Ｌ Ｌ Ａ ２
the straight to VHS movie, where Cinderella
pulled up in a G-Wagon.
That was- That actually happened.
Dwayne Johnson, what vehicle do you pull up in work to every single day?
That's great, I don't care.
Phil: You wrote in to me, tell me what you wanted me to get straight with your mom?
Nicholette: I want my mom to understand that I can't live off of a thousand dollars a month
and I grew up on a certain lifestyle-
$1,000 a month!
Imagine saying $1,000 a month is not enough for you.
i CaNt LiVe OfF oF a ThOuSaNd DoLlArS a MoNtH
Other people would have their moms
like, drive them places, buy them food, make them food
But I have to do everything myself, and I need the funds for that.
Pyro: This is so sad.
She doesn't even have a dedicated person to hold a selfie stick to take pictures of her.
This is so sad!
Can we reach- can we reach five doots, please? Five doots of the horn.
That is so sad.
Phil: When you have the money, are you in there, in the kitchen, frying up stuff and mixing up?
Nicholette: No, I'm buying food.
Phil: So you eat out a lot.
Nicholette: Yeah, I make food at home, but then I get bored,
just... I don't like cooking because it just-
Pyro: I get bored of responsibility.
I'm like Spider-Man when he's just Peter Parker
ordering pizza all the time.
What did you say? There's a child burning in the building?
Nah, it's p i z z a t i m e
Phil: Why do you- you said 'I need the G-Wagon'?
Nicholette: I really like the way it looks, I've wanted one for over two years now,
I- every time I see them, you see so many of them near my house, and I just...
Every time I see one I'm in awe. I love them. They're just- the interior's so nice.
And- there's no blind spots at all. Like, it's so big and open. There's so much trunk space.
It's amazing- and they look so nice inside.
When you're inside-
When you see the interior, the exterior- She wants to give me a Mercedes C-Class.
I... I will-
Pyro: Right, okay.
mercedes c class
mercedes c class price
Oh my f(OOF)ng God, it's still a nice car!
You're all idiots! Why can't you just spend the money on Fortnite?
Phil: That just seems like an exorbitant amount to spend on a car. It just seemed foolish to me.
I would- I just wouldn't spend it on a car. Nicholette: Well, I want to.
We're talking about me here. This is my show.
OH MY- OH-
It's no longer the Dr. Phil show. It's the...
what- what's her... ? What's her f(OOF) name?
I don't even know.
It's the 15yo that looks like a 35yo executive show. There you go!
It's her show now! Get rid of the Dr. Phil watermark, get rid of it!
It's her show now!
Phil: By the time I was your age, I had worked at A&W Root Beer stand on rollerskates, I had worked at
throwing a paper rounded, I'd worked at Pizza Planet, I'd-
Pyro: When I was your age, when I was 15, I was...
What was I doing? I was probably making Minecraft Let's Plays, unironically.
Phil: -she becomes
makes a contribution to society
taking from society.
Mom: I think the best thing would be to start with a job.
Phil: Yeah, absolutely she needs a job.
Nicholette: No... Phil: Yeah, absolutely she needs a job.
Phil: Yeah, absolutely she needs a job.
Nicholette: Nooooooooooooo! [crys]
T H I S 👏 I S 👏 S O 👏 S A D !
𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐚 𝐣𝐨𝐛!
It's kind of sad though, like,
I kind of blame the parent here, cuz it's like...
you spoil your kid for like 15 years and then it's like 'Wait,
they're not going to have any sense of money,
I need to take that away from them', and then, like, you've got all the repercussions,
like, I think the parent takes as much of an L as the kid does, to be quite honest, but honestly,
they're all just libtards, my boi Ben Shapiro vouch for them.
(no point of subtitling this, dr. phil has done his job)
Pyro: That is mean, like, listen kid, listen.
I'm gonna be real for you for a second.
I have worked SO HARD to get to where I am right now in my career.
The amount of children's heads, I've had to metaphorically step on...
So, may I say to you:
Godspeed, and I salute you in your...
Anyway, like the video, turn notifications on, smash subscribe button - physically smash your hand
into the computer monitor and break your fist pressing that subscribe button. Please, I need it!
Also. I want to give a fat thanks to Elgato for providing this green screen. It's convenient. It's amazing.
It helps me bully people and it makes it look like I'm putting more effort into my content
but I'm not really; so I'll leave a link down in the description, where you can cop self one.
I hope you enjoyed the video. I am now going to sleep. So yeah, hope you enjoyed.
(m a s s i v e explosion)
Get a job!
A very n i c e outro...
I've been staring into the ceiling for like a minute.